sleep

God wherever you are -I keep imaginning you sitting next to me, just looking at me, thinking "how naive" and I blame you for making me like this, a vivid imagination that´s not vivid enough to feed me, how nice, huh? thank you very much- I wanna sleep forever. Nights are not enough, I don´t even sleep, can you allow me that one thing? I just want to sleep, no sound, no thoughts, no "have to", no clocks, no light, not nothing, just the darkness of nothingness where not even darkness exist because your mind isn´t awake to know it´s dark.

I want to forget and to keep laughing at the irony of my realizations... I´m all alone, I´m so small...I´m broken and you don´t care... why should I? would you care enough, just one bit, I don´t ask for your full attention, just a second to let me sleep with the measure of all the troubles, of all that´s gone wrong, of all that´s been lost, of all the bad luck, add that... that much time, space or whatever... that´s the lenght I want to disappear of myself...

Do I ask a lot? I see that I might not be one of your favorite. I´m sorry I´m so far from what you asked... I promised I´ve tried... but you know me, maybe it´s not enough and perhaps even this is a waste of time and you´re rolling your holly eyes wondering why are you even listening to this, you´ve got better to do, way better things to watch... I don´t know what else... I took enough of your time, you and I, both know how to ... you know....

I´m scared

I´m scared and the tears have made a pool of my eyes and I can´t cry, I have to go to work tomorrow, I can´t afford having ugly eyes for everyone to stared at me more than what they already do without it. I see myself in the mirror and there´s a tear that went out of my eyes and down my cheek, I don´t want to cry and my brains reminds me that tears are a way to realise some chemicals that are in our brains that makes us sad or so said some scientist according to the book I´m reading, "The Cry; a philosophical, antropological, biological and historical study" I just asked my boss to lend it to me to see if I could do something about crying....or not crying... I also remember that people with severe depression is unable to cry, so me crying can´t be completely bad from that point of view... but in any way I see it, it still doesn´t feel good. Tears have been overproduced by my eyes because I¨m scared -and because I´m a human, humans are the only animals that can produce tears because of feelings as a psichological manifestation and not just a biological one- and I´m scared because I have my dreaded doctor´s appointment this Thursday. It´s not much of an appointment, well it is, but just to get tested... my doctor sent me to the Oncology hospital.... I´m just getting a test, if I was sent there it must mean she suspected I might have....but this is just a test and it doesn´t mean it´s true or that it´ll be possitive but I don´t know if I´m more afraid of it being possitive or of it being negative because that will mean they still don´t know what´s wrong with me after so many months, after so much pain and I just can´t pray... and I just can´t tell this all, who would I tell? my family? they´ll be crushed if they knew how I really felt and I can´t pray because I don´t know what to say, I´ve asked for the pain to go away, it´s still there, for the pills to work, the pain´s still there, for the doctors to find out what it is...so far they've say I´ll b like this forever because this might be something I was born with  and the pain will be there and they can´t tell when it´ll end. I don´t want to pray for the test to be negative because that´ll mean I don´t know what it is or more accurate, it´ll mean that maybe the other doctor was right and I´ll feel like this untill the day I die but I can´t stop being afraid of it being possitive not because I might die, I really don´t mind that at all but because I know my loved ones won´t let me go easily.
I can´t keep going like this, I´m cranky and sad and mad and scared all the time and I can´t help but to notice how everybody stares at me when I walk into places, who wouldn´t look at a person with crutches and no cast? and even worst as young as I look? and at work people steal glance I know they must be wondering how it´s been so long and even some comment about it, it hurts me so much, I´ve lived every second of it.

my happy pills are gone, the ones that are supposed to make me feel better in the head... they must´ve helped, I look pretty normal, I do everything I´m supposed to do...I even smile and laugh for real at times... I see the baby and feel a great love inside but then it´s just me and the pain and the fear and the hopelesness. I was taught to believe that God is always by my side no matter the circumstance and I believe but it´s so very hard to believe when I feel abandonned or maybe even forgotten and I remember how it´s said that when you feel most alone... well, it´s not like that, God is there but how to feel ok and comforted by that when I feel this way? and I´ve felt that He isn´t anwering my prayers before, when our family was destroyed but back then I had my mother and my brother, we could lean on the other because each one of us understood, I´m in this alone and ofc I don´t want them to feel this way, I rather have than to see someone of the ones I love with it, but it leaves me ....

I told my boss I was going to b late on Thursday because of that appointment, the way she saw me....I could have started to cry right there just for that...

I´m scared and it´s a stupid feeling, we only developed it through evolution as a way to survive, this fear won´t help me to survive but it plots together with the pain to hinder my life. I´m not sure what I´m most afraid of... the test being possitive or negative.

Preaching?

I feel a little -a lot- like a hypocrit... I was watching some videos. I clicked this one, the song was about God -the one I posted last time "open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart, I want to see you...- I scrolled down to the comments and see this person who wrote something complaining about God and how he didn´t understand how God could do bad thing to ppl. This person said he´d been bullied his whole life in school and that he had to move and when he did that he contracted a desease that kills 60% of the ppl who contracts it, he survived but lost the ability to use his right leg and he´s in pain all the time, he said he´d be better dead.

For some reason I answered his comment, someone had said that maybe he lived so that he changed his attitude towards God, I thought that was kind of mean, I don't think God would do that but I answered, I answered even though I´ve said and thought those same things. I said that pain makes us angry but that God hadn´t given him that desease... as I wrote I thought I could understand that man... one day I was able to walk normally and the next I couldn´t use my right leg anymore and I´m in pain all the time. I am angry. Every Friday I sort of pray and tell God that I´ll go to church that Sunday but I don´t go... And I often cry and wonder why He´s let me live when I was supposed to die before being born and then when I was 7 in the ocean, it was beautiful what I saw but I´m still here and now I´m in pain and I believe but I said things that I don´t do that sometimes I don´t feel. Mother´s said that this all has a purpose and I tell her angrily that I want no purpose. She tells me that God doesn´t want to have me like this and that he didn´t give me this desease and I tell her how come if He´s allmighty He let it happen...

I told this guy that it was our choice to focus in what we do have and that I knew pain was too much sometimes but why to let it engulf everything else? I asked.... I try, I try a lot to see what I do have, the ppl that loves me, the blessings I do have, the fact that my other leg and hands are fine, I try to do what I can with what I have but sometimes it´s too much and I get angrier yet here I am telling that to this person. I feel like a hypocrit...

I wanted to say that I´d pray for this person. I didn´t. I don´t know if my praying will help, it´s even hard to pray for myself because it always makes me sad that pain doesn´t go away, that my leg is weak and that I have to use that horrible croutch ... But, God, he claimed to be atheist and I guess that´s fine but maybe we all need something bigger and powerful to believe in... with all my heart I pray for this person to find peace...

I want to see you

For some reason this song reminded me of back when I and my brother were little... We were at church, I remember this song, just a part of it that they taught us in Englihs "yes, Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me.." I can´t remember the rest. I remember us playing that we could speak another language, I don´t know why we played that, it was all gibberish and now when our parents remember they laugh at our silly games. I´m glad we ended up learning... I remember when I was little I used to think I wanted to go to many places to share God's word to all those that didn´t know him. I haven´t done any of that... I wonder if I should feel guilty about it. Back then I remember praying to God so that people saw him in me, I wish and pray that I´m doing that one at least, showing tolerance, compassion, empathy and support.

Spare Me

why do you keep pushing me down?
I'm already on the ground
I´m sorry I can´t make myself invisible

I´ve done it all with you on my mind
with the thought of what might please you
of what you might dislike

All of my thoughts and actions are
thoughroughly kept at rein
because they are supposed to affect your image
I don´t mind at all
but please don´t keep pushig me down
have some mercy
I think I´ve proven to be of some worth...
please, see that...

What more do you want?
you have it all of me
every day you drain me from life
I´ve been fighting to walk away from the cliff
why do you keep pushing me closer to the edge

What else?
I´ve denied myself many times so that your pride be satisfied
I´ve held back words and desires for you
and I´m not regretting it,
I´ve done it on my own will
I just beg you to spare me some pain

Am I not worthy of your compassion?
your is the only one that I ask
what will be of the image you cherish so much
if I´m seen like this?
I try, you know that, I need a little help
and if you don´t want to give me that
at least stop punishing me for what I haven´t done

Beautiful rain

God,
thank you for the beautiful rain
that is music for a peaceful night

God,
please let it be blessing
to all your children
making food grow
and the land to quench its thirst

Lord,
make it so that what is a blessing
don´t become death
give a roof to all those who
feel the drops and cry in pain and lost

Father,
I´m thankful for all the sounds
and gifts to the senses that
the heaven´s tears bring to me
I hear you in it...
Beautiful rain
do not become a feared giant

Be

If you are not with me, I got no one.
If  you are not there to back me up, the whole world will want to make me fall.
They´ll push me down to the ground, I need you to be there to pick up the pieces that are left after being crushed.

I got no one.
I really need you to hold my hand through the darkness.
I want you there to make me feel it´ll be ok. If you are there, I know I´ll make it through...

grateful

If there´s something I need to be grateful for is for my mother. Despite the misery and darkness in and around my life, she´s there supporting me strong with all her love, no matter what.
*****I felt grateful**** no need to read this one though****

I´ve been in pain, I´ve been scared, I´ve been down and depressed and she´s been there to try to ease all of that. I know she blames herself for many things that have gone wrong in my life but I really want her to be aware that she´s been the one thing that´s made me achieve the good things I´ve achieve. I´d be nothing without her.

I´m grateful from the bottom of my heart that God gave me such a wonderful mother. A mother that gives me everything and more, a mother that loves me, and loves me in spite of everything. The biggest blessing ever.

If there are two things that I should pick to be the best of my life, I have to say that my mother and my brother are what keep me alive, really, nothing else. Of course, I´m grateful for my family because to be honest there´s never been a day in which I haven´t felt their love and now having a little epiphany I want to thank God for that because, yeah, it won´t make me walk or won´t take away all my problems but things could be way worse if I didn´t have that, if I didn´t have my mom or my brother, if I had to be not only in pain and down but also uterly alone and scared.

...And as I keep thinking on this, I feel blessed because I hear voices and see faces and I know that I´m not uterly alone as it seems at times. I must be getting better for I see reasons to be grateful now, and just that makes me feel a tiny fraction better than a minute ago. Sure I´m still in pain but it could be worst without them.

Thank you, God, for them.

Help

You have to help me to be strong,
You have to help me to hold on,
I have no one but you to be there for me
and give me support
I really need you here
to take away the fear
Please be always near
I beg you for light in my life
A bright light to be a nife
to cut the darkness
that I feel inside.

first day of the year

wow! Can´t believe it´s another year...but of course I can, since that the course of life, one day comes and goes...and this is just another day.

I woke up in a new bed in my very own place. That draw a smile in me. I pray  to God to help me find a way to keep it because my options are gone and I like it here.
In a day or two I have to go back to work I want to have energy for that, I want to put all my energy into that so that I can stop wasting energy in useless stuff. I want to do good there I want to help the kids there.
I want to be healthy and that might be the hardest struggle this year because I need to start by my state of mind and for some reason Im usually more on the sad side than the cheerful one.
Last night I got a call, well like five, but I didnt answer, I didnt know to whom that number belonged and it was around 1 in the morning and though it´s the tradition to go to bed way past midnight the last day of the year, I was feeling down last night so I went to bed rather early for the tradition but I got some texts wishing me a good year and I hope those wishes come true...
I want to go back to college for another major this year, Im not so optimistic in having the economic posibilities for it but maybe a miracle will happen. I want to believe it.
I want to learn to drive a stardar car and not only an automatic one -hahaha

I need a miracle. God I need you.

creeme

Ayer dije q jamas dejaría de creer en ti... y por eso hoy pruebas mis declaraciones no? siempre me pides fe, que crea en lo que dices, te estoy pidiendo lo mismo, por favor, cree en mi, por qué me quieres alejar de ti, por qué me quieres hacer creer que no estás aquí, por qué lo permites... no crees en mi, cierto? quién sabe cuantas veces has sido traicionado y por eso quizá tampoco confias... esta bien, supongo. No sé si fuiste tú pero alguien me dijo que tú también querias ser aceptado tal cual eras, pues yo lo hago, si no crees en mí, en que no dejaré de creer en ti está bien porque así como tú me has amado a pesar de lo que soy, yo también te acepto tal cual eres y aunque no me creas, porque constantemente me pones a prueba, aún así, yo creo en ti. Yo creo en ti y no dejaré de hacerlo.