Ritual

Looking at the white ceiling,
Waiting to fall asleep,
Every beat of my heart says I miss you
Every brain cell scoff,
They remind me it wasn't real,
The unforgiving reason speaks up,
It points out it wasn't meant to be.
Still, the rhythm of my chest
Silently proclaims your name.
Only your name for the last half decade,
Your name said like a prayer
To a goddess that hears not
She isn't merciful, she isn't real.

*
Nov. 2014

Must be a dream

My feet hit the pavement making a sound that in my ears means I'm trying to go faster even as my eyes admire the fine day, sunny and fresh with a clear blue sky, the picture of serenity.

As I walk I realize I'm finally where I want to be. Three more steps will take me to the massive wooden doors that I can't wait to go through, my eyes are impatient to see her.

I grin at the sight of her in the white pristine dress that hugs her figure and falls down softly all the way to the floor.

She smiles back as she waits for me. She is wearing a dress, that's my victory; I'll say yes, that's hers... I can't walk fast enough to say I do to the rest of my life.

I have to get new and thicker curtains, I groan internally as the sun invades my room and tears me up from the soft embrace of my dreams. I turn around, on my side, wanting to go back to sleep, seeking to get more of the warmth I feel next to me but my mind is awake already and my eyes don't want to stay close anymore, not when they caught her sight.

The morning sun is kissing her face making her glow, her hair is making and abstract painting on the pillow, her delicate hands are resting under her rosy cheek.

"God, she's beautiful" I think as my mind goes back to the day she wore her white pristine dress for me, just for me.
I move away on of the strands of hair that sticks to her face, my fingers brush her skin and she opens her eyes, blinks a little. Her fluttering eyelashes sweep my heart away. Her brown eyes, almost black in this light, stare back at me as her mouth stretches to greet me with a smile.

"This must be happiness" I think as I reach for her hand trying to find my voice. Dreams do come true.

posted from Bloggeroid

Ella

When you sleep will it be with me?

That's a question in the song that's stuck in my head;

It's a question that once toyed with my brain.

She is dressed in a black elegant dress.

Only once she's let me see her curls, I mused, always straightened hair.

She's walking towards the stage.

In my eyes, she glides magnificently, she's a star.

I'm far apart, all the way across the ocean of people.

What if she calls me to her and I can't walk to her side, I fretted in my mind.

She's so beautiful.

She's ethereal to my eyes

You taught me that things don't have to be perfect for it to be perfect, I wrote for her.

From the distance, she looks at me, she smiles

I have a goofy grin. I love her smile, tiny smirk, it ignites her eyes.

I want to go to her.

I need her to come to me. She's smiling at me, and I think that she will come to me.

I'm all nerves, I'm all excitement

All I want to do is to look at her, in her black elegant dress.

I wake up with the warmth of her embrace,

Like when she used to hug me tightly

The sunlight bathes my room completely, it hurts my eyes 

It's five thirty in the morning

I want so bad to see her,

Only, Ella would make me wake up so early in the morning willingly

I shook my head and sighed. I hadn't dreamed of her in a while.

Ella.

Oct 25 2014

I dont like you anymore

I just wrote you another poem. It´s been over a year, I think, since I wrote an entry in this particular label. A letter to you. Thoughts I cant tell you because no matter what I say, it doesn't reach you, it will not reach you, you don't want it, you don't need it and I do not give you the chance to deny me of you, yet you do it, of course, you do as you please, always.

I don't love you. I´m convinced of that. I´m not attracted to you, not anymore. I´m no longer compelled to find you, to please you, to be with you but I remember how it was to love you, it hurts still, the memory of the feeling of it hasn't healed specially when you just don't find words to talk to me anymore. I´m not interesting to you anymore and I don't really care, it´s fine, I don't mind but the part of me that remembers feels the pain,the stab of it.

It´s really complicated to have loved. I wonder what would you say about this, do you think that once you stop loving someone you no longer feel them? Do you no longer feel them?

I saw your picture today, longer hair, curving at the tips, rounder face, wider chest, sunburnt, clothes lines where the sun didn't touch your skin... I didn't recognize the one I liked there. It was your mind that made fall; the last thing I noticed was your body. I never see bodies, I hardly ever notice how sultry and appealing some could be, how I liked your lips and your eyes. I couldn't see them anymore. I didn't like you anymore but I remember, it is so strange, so very strange

it still hurts that you no longer feel like talking to me but it goes away faster and faster, anxiety doesn't eat at me anymore, only chews a little on the edges of my soul but it lets me go, pain doesn't sting as bad as it once did. Should I congratulate myself? should I thank you for making me almost immune to you?

***
Trying this Blogger app thing. I couldn't copy and paste the stuff from my notes so I decided to try with a draft.
This one is kinda old, about three to five months ago...
So, to post and see what happens!

Science

I just found out what´s wrong with me. I just found out I´m addicted to you, for real, literally.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY&feature=relmfu

***
This was written on May 1sth 2012. It´s been in my drafts for two yeas now. It made me think that I should make a tag called "this was me a year ago" even though this wasnt a year ago.... the idea is that for some reason I didnt say these things when I thought about them and now years after that I think it should b out there even if it´s just a symbolic thing bc it´s just me and me over here. Today´s May 5th, I was wondering if I had a draft from that date but no, there is a may1st, this one, a may 4th and a May 6th so I´ll just post the first one and next time I feel like posting some of my drafts I´ll post whatever is closes to the date I feel like posting it

safe place

Ayon was here. Random huh?
I thought this day was not going to come, not again,
there you were
saying I miss you one day, and then not replying again
days later, you appear, telling me of your latest interest
someone that makes you curious and sad because she seems to run away from you
and you want my advice, you want my confort
and I will confort you as you pierce my heart, all over again
as  I realize again that you never looked my way
except as your safe place where you could hide for a moment before trying the world again.

****
Written on March 4th 2013, over a year ago. I´m not entirely sure why I want this out there mmm

another I miss you

I fucking miss you
people want me to meet people
I don´t want to meet new people
I like the people I already know
I miss you like crazy
my mom thinks you´re like my sin
funny, huh?
sin makes me sick
or that´s what everybody´s implying
the interesting part
you´re nothing but a thought in my mind
a memory that is going pale
the judges surely are strict
-sigh
I fucking miss you
I got told I was a straightforward type of person
can you believe that?
I would´ve never guessed that one


****
This was originally written on March 29th 2013, so over a year ago, the day I wrote it I wouldnt have thought I´d publish it, both because it´s not my best and because it´s my naked thoughts but then I said I wanted to publish my "seven days" post which were only on drafts why? so that I was convinced that I had let go and hey! I remember how this felt but it doesnt hurt so, here it is, letting go another page of this story which like my stories felt like a tragedy. Btw, I was looking at this other post under the seven days label tittled "seet little bitch" ouch, huh? I was mad, I want to publish that next, I could´ve done it instead of this one but I guess I still feel some mmm idk something that doesnt let me do it, it´s a  lot like embarrassment, nothing sweet or tender ¬¬

Also, ofc this post had to b about you, it´s post 666 perfect for something related to you. ha!

From My Senses

"Thank you for being you"

Your words were hot knife going through butter. I liked those words. I didn’t like your shoes. I loved the color of the sky layered over your pearl-like skin. You sat somewhat apart and then looked for excuses to squeeze yourself in the little space left at my right. You apologized for your smell; you had walked to school under the sun. I just shook my head “no”, yours is the best one I´ve ever smelled.

It was hot yet I was shivering by being next to you. I didn’t feel close enough even if we were only a couple centimeters away. I talked and talked to the rest of ears. I turned to see you and my mind went blank. I could only see your rosy, blushed cheeks. I wonder if blood rushed to mine as I watched you.

Why the sound of our voice becomes a whisper when talking to the other? Being next to me had some effect in you? You were so unfocused. Where were you? I asked. What were you looking at? I teased you this time.

Ah, love, I´ve missed you. I wonder if I will ever stop loving you. Being with you is wishing time to stop. Being with you is coming out of my body and levitating towards you. Being next to you is forgetting how to think. Being with you is wishing to see with my skin and touch with my ears.

So little, we say so little and I feel so much. I only stole glances of you right next to me, but I saw everything on you. I saw that you changed your glasses. I saw you had a green rubber band on your hair. I saw you changed your converse shoes for other type of sneakers. I saw that your hair is longer and I saw that your hands are as lovely as they´ve always been. Your nails are shorter than they use to be. I heard each one of your words. I heard you being a little embarrassed. I noticed you changed your perfume. I felt you are as warm as ever. I noticed you were unfocused, almost babbling, almost mumbling, and almost stuttering.

You said goodbye more than once but didn´t move to go. I was very aware of our shapes after saying and hugging goodbye for the third time. We were hugging so tightly, like a magnet. Electricity and who knows what other nature powers working their magic. You didn´t leave until I turned my back to say hi to someone else. You were gone when I turned back. I missed you since the first goodbye. We´ve missed each other, I concluded.

Later, I spent time re-living the afternoon. I noticed I had ignored some people. I saw something in her eyes. I saw her looking at us. Does she feel deep inside something for you? For a fraction of a second I could see something in her eyes. It felt tense for a second. I know you see her. You´ve talked a lot about her, but does she see you?

She was included in your trip. You told me about it. I saw the pictures. You said you wanted me in your trip but knew you were going to be glued to me. You said you preferred to keep that idea on your mind. It´s like you can´t avert your attention from me if I´m around, that´s what your words told me. I would´ve loved to have you glued to me.

I don´t know if I´m happy. I am happy but somewhere inside it hurts that so many emotions are going through me, yet they are nothing, they’ll never fully reach you. Thank you for thanking me for being me. You always manage to be the one with the nicer compliments in such economy of words.

****

-Original tittle: Visit

-Written on May 4^th 2012

-Another one found under the "Seven Days" label. I wish I could´ve done it better... A more diluted version of what it is hahaha 

Our Time

You made me addict to you,

And everything you wanted and love…

Every time we say good bye a little bit of me dies

To be born again when I hear your voice calling my name…

It´s the middle of the night

I whisper for you,

You don´t listen to me anymore…

You hide from me

As I play at trying to erase you from my mind

The memory of you lingers in my chest…

Our time´s intertwined with my beating heart

It´ll forever belong there…

****

I hope this one feels consistent. The first four lines were written on August 22nd 2012, almost an exact year from today. The last part, except the last line, was written on January 15th 2013. The last line was written today and though I did edit the whole thing, it´s the same ideas that it had when it was originally written. 

These two little angsty pieces were in my drafts, under the "Seven Days" label, a more poetic type of thing than what I´ve done there mostly. Four months ago I wouldn´t have thought in publishing a few of the last things I´ve published  that were under that label, but somehow I always knew I´d end up doing it. I´m going to delete the original drafts and just leave this one here. I think I´ll continue to publish a few more things that are there.

Stranger

You were...

You were warmth spreading inside me in a cold winter day

You were gentle breeze caressing me in a hot summer day

You were...

You were that silly song that made me smile

You were the lyrics that touched the fibers of my heart

You were...

You were all that I wanted but didn´t know

You were what I´d never dare to take by force

You were...

You were a mirror that was kind without distorting my figure

You were a sweet hidden secret that never got to be a sin

You were...

You were the one thing that I thanked God for in my prayers

You were the one thing that I made a pledge to leave behind whenever another Hail Mary was said

You were...

You were so transparent

You were so thick

You were so weak

You were so strong

You were so blind

You were...

You were the cure and the dagger

You were what made me rise and what made me fall

You were...

You were what still a second ago brought a sweet memory to my mind

You were what the next second shattered it all

You were...

You are no more

You are still around but are no longer part of my present

You are a stranger now

You were...

…

.

EMG

a bit of disdain, that´s what I feel
I´m in a lot of pain
what a week
a broken heart, a broken health, a lot of pain
I got my EMG today
electricity shocks were sent through my legs
needles were stabbed in my muscles
I can´t begin to describe the pain, that hours later still lingers
I got the results today, I got a paper cut from them
it said nothing good...
That´s what´s going on with my body
this, though, is what´s going on with my heart
it´s in pain too, a lesser pain that is like the soft rain in a tropical storm
it usually ends up killing and damaging more than a thunderstorm
you cut me just like that paper did
You were there when it was for me to listen to you loving someone else
I was there to listen to you and though my broken heart didn´t let me stick until my heart turned into dust, I was there to let you know it was ok...
You said you thought you´d lost me too
and I assured you I wasn´t going back on my promise
 of giving you my friendship with no time limits...
once you got that assured... you´ve dissappeared again...
since it´s not about the one you "love" you leave me behind even though you got mine
but I´m working very hard.... I seem to have a blind and stupid heart, always wanting what it can´t have but maybe that´s what it wants... not to have no one to actually kill it
but again, I´m working very hard,
I´m letting you go and it is like having to walk around with the EMG needles
which is a pain I don´t wish for a single soul
but as the places where the needles tore open,
my stupid stupid heart will have to heal,
wether it wants or not... because I´m pulling you, the needle, out of it.
and I pulled you off of it and just like those needles in my legs
it hurts so bad, even without them in, and I can´t help but cry
and I feel as if they are there, as if the electricity is pinching the inside of my legs,
that´s how you feel in my heart, the space you left is in pain,
a pain that also makes me cry
but as time goes by, at least the ones in my good leg will heal
I will make my heart heal...
I have a scar on my leg... on my good leg...
I bet you´ll leave an ugly one in my heart but at least in won´t hurt
it won´t be pretty and complete anymore
and ppl will look at it with disgust or pity perhaps
but at least it won´t hurt and you won´t be nailed at it
and I´ll walk away, on my own and free.

Tissue Box

You think I´m your personal never-ending Kleenex box don´t you? 

Well, guess what? I´m emptying and soon no more tissues for you

And I think you just took the last bit of my soul

You threw dirt to my eyes

And stepped on my heart

Just go away

I don´t want to see your face

Or ever listen to your voice again

You could tell me how to find my own tissue box though

That might be useful

I won´t feel bad to wipe off on someone´s heart

You got me with no soul to sympathize

I´ll walk this way

Go find some other to clean your tears

Who cares, right?

Yeah, you were right, I´m the stupid here

I gambled my goods for you

What else could I have expected?

You jump and you hit the ground

Silly me thought I would conquer gravity

Well, I´ll put my heart in a cast

Humans heal their wounds all the time

Back to my business

And good bye stupidity, 

It was not nice to meet you at all 

My Beautiful

You just show up,

A word or two:

No time has gone by.

I´ve got your back

A small light you are,

Playing the strings of my soul

You know it well

You tuned it to your heartbeat

I can´t deny you

A verb that carries no action

I am your subject

Won´t you be my complement?

You show up

I was convinced I had forgotten

I was convinced of never again

You pushed it all away like dominoes

With such delicacy

With such economy

With so much power

You messed my mind,

My senses, my everything

And it´s so much better

And I like it

And I wanted it

Untouched

You´re too fresh on my mind

and it´s been so long

just when I thought 

the feel of your embrace was a healed wound

it still burns as it did when your arms were around me

but the cold edges make me shiver in pain...

I bet I still fit inside your embrace

I know your arms are still perfect 

There´s no doubt that no matter how hard I try

everything´s placed right where you left it

real, exciting,scary and unique

only you could paint me that...

A day goes by and I convince myself it´s all gone

Another day and I know it´s still there

paralizing my heart, 

stopping my life

but my heart´s still beating

and I keep adding days....

It all changes but the space left by you.

You appear at the most random times

yet you´re always there

lingering around me, inside me

your warthm hasn´t left me

scars are open wide

they were never closed

how I miss you

you´re never there, 

not a single of your fingers ever touched me

how can someone get so deep in you without even touching you?

Jealousy? me?

There´s someone that I care for a lot, a lot... At some point this one person and I became friends and we were close -I hope we still are as close as before- it´s been periods of time with no talk at all... at times it seems that we have nothing to say anymore but it´s not true, at least my mind, as always, is boiling with tons of thoughts that my mouth just can´t form in spoken words and somtimes that´s extended to my fingers... I can´t even write anymore and to say a simple "hello" or a more meaningful "I´ve missed you a lot"...

At times I see a few conversations... geez I must be some kinda stalker... yeah, I´ve read that someone´s wall on fb and conversations that are not mine... I have thoughts on it and I could just jump into them and I don´t think this one person would kick me out of it but I just can´t... there´s something that stops me... the thing is that I just feel hurt when I see this, a dear person for me being so familiar with other people, people that by any means is bad people, they´re good people, but I want  it too. I feel a bit childish for that and that just adds to that weird inability of mine to say things. I have tons of things to say but I just wonder "what if this person doesn´t care? is this or that thought too silly?" and so on... what is wrong with me? words -at least written- used to be so easy for me ... ok, I know, I´m just shy and though I care, talking first is not an easy thing to do even if I know I´m cared for... Things should be easy and I shouldn´t feel ignore or less close to my friend because I still care and my friend must still care... if not at least a little for sake of memories...

Am I jealous??! I cringed at the idea of that and the first time I was asked that about this particular topic my answer was a big NO NO but I was and I am but it is awfully hard to admit specially for someone who claims that doesn´t like people, for someone that claims she´s cold and heartless -oh, there´s still some heart there... I guess I´m jealous and it´s weird to admit, I´m only saying it this time and I would never, ever, ever post this one thing...

but...

I want to show some other very important friend that...

she is not alone...

there´s this other nutty -oh, my I love that, sounds so much like a candy :) - that feels the same way even if she -I´m talking of myself ok? (just don´t stare at me)- seems to be a bit absent at times or less caring... that´s just what life does to her but

ok, I´m making this too long... I ramble too much...so let´s cut to the chase

my point is, it´s ok to feel hurt and like this, it´s a bit crazy but even that is part of who we are and it shows that we care and it doesn´t mean we can´t change it... a simple hi might look scary for someone like us...
but you see, I´m taking a first step, a huge one because I´m opening my mind/soul here telling something I just wouldn´t admit...

did it make sense what I wanted to do? probably not... I´m no good at these things -sigh-
oh well, I tried
it´s the thought that counts

you see, once again, I´m feeling very shy about this and I have to try and make myself feel that it´s ok, that it doesn´t matter

oh, well
I´ll just stop now

Distracted

Damn!

I close my eyes

and a collage

of your pretty face

is what I see.

The only one.

You.

Ivory and Peaches

You squeezed yourself between me and the air around,
You lightly and akwakdly swept my skin,
You glanced me and quickly looked away.

Hot knife going through butter, that´s what you are.
A bonfire that makes me cold while my skin burns.
Whispers that shout echoing inside my ears, that´s your voice.
Melted caramel, bled honey that bathes the esence of space.

I leaned towards you, magnetism dragged me.
I watched you carefully learning you are the same: ivory and peaches.
I heard you calling me and it all vanished, you were there.

Three times you said goodbye and then you flied.
There was the same, the peace, the trust, the warthm.
There were quiet memories storming through my pores.

Lights, lights, lights, will they preserve the fleeting smile?

impressions

beyond the sound of my voice.

walking away, a particular walk that I could recognize anywhere in the world

familiar, calming and cream-like voice that makes any heart skip a beat

thoughs, letter, face and moon...only gratitude for those!