Wandering: falling to blackness

A/N: it´s been so long... I hope next part takes less time... but who knows... 

looking out the window, feeling the air caressing her skin she  felt light, just a bit. “Finally over” Anna thought remembering the whole night,the guests and the praises they got at the nice Christmas dinner. It had been so tiring, it was so tiring to pretend she was ok and it was so hard to try to pretend she was happy, she was sure she didn't play that part well for her mother glanced her a couple of times and then frowned a bit at her. She had excused herself as soon as it was possible. She felt that couldn't fall asleep but she didn't want to be out pretending what she wasn't feeling any more.

Looking out the window at the blue sky stained with white cotton-look-like clouds she wanted to be able to freeze time, just for a little while at least. “Why can't I just grow up wings and fly away?” she thought
“That´s just silly” Scire stated. Anna said nothing “what makes you think being a bird is so good? haven´t you heard that the more cities grow the less home for birds, the less food as well. Human beings are so careless of other species, it´s not convenient to be any other”
“Human beings are careless of their own specie as well”
“True and it´s even worst for the rest, plus would you like to be one of those caged birds your family keeps in the back?”
“Are you really me? I mean you´re so annoying and contradictory, you must be some annoying ghost that got attached to me somehow” Anna said and they both half-smiled.

It was so quiet and nice. The sky was beautiful. Among all that piece she felt a little light, just a little because for the most part she was wondering “what will bring tomorrow?” and she was uncertain of that and felt no energy of knowing or anything at all, just to watch the sky . She knew exactly how she looked there watching the sky: sad with a lost stare. “Keep it together, girl” she said but it didn't matter today, everyone had left and she was alone. She didn't want to go out today, the happiness, pretended or not, the excitement of others only made her feel even sadder if that was possible. She smiled and even laughed but those never reached her heart, it was just a reaction, what was proper to do. “Going with the flow, ha?” Scire had teased her last night and she was right. It was just that.

“I don’t want to be like this, Scire”
“No wind will come to talk you and change you”
“Once again, are you here like my very own personal tormentor? I know there´s no talking wind, that was just the fever”

The madness of Christmas was over. It was really ironic because from the eyes of an outsider it all would´ve been normal, a nice family dinner, no incidents, people smiling, making jokes, hugs around midnight, watching the fireworks and opening presents, but for Anna who could walk backstage it was all a play in which they all were mere actors, playing a part, she at least was playing the part that had been assigned to her. She was glad it was over, Christmas and the end of the year were such sad celebrations for her now, they got sadder because they had been her favorite ones.

“one day they might be your favorite ones again” Scire chimed in
“who cares? I don´t think it´ll mean anything, anyways”  Anna swallowed another pill
“you should be careful with those pills” Scire adviced. Anna smiled humorlessly
“I´m not about to commit suicide if that´s what worries you. I´m sure it wouldn´t work anyways. I´d just get my stomach washed and people thinking I´m crazy”
“you are crazy”
“I´m not stupid” Anna said this time out loud
“so, suicide is out of the question?” a mocking tone came from Scire.
“it´s not that, just that … there´s no...effective way so far” Anna stared blankly out her window.
“ah, so you´re planning our suicide?”
“I don´t think it´s me that´s planning anything, the ideas come on their own”
“shouldn´t you be wanting to live?” Scire´s voice was hardly ever affected by Anna´s words
“life is overrated”
“no body wants to die, are you not afraid of death?”
“why should I be? I´m more afraid of living like this for who knows how long. Nothing makes sense and you know it perfectly well”
“then make sense of it”
“I´m too tired of trying to make sense of things, it´s so tiresome, even trying doesn´t make sense when it all ends up the same”
“have you always been this negative?
“I don´t know anymore, it´s been so long that I don´t remember a time in which I felt everything was right”
“ah, find it in that big brain of yours” Scire prompted
“does it really matter?”
“if it doesn´t then by trying it you won´t have gained nor lost anything, so... why not?”
“weren´t you my less wise side?” Anna chuckled a little
“I´ve always been the smarter side. Now go on, don´t go off topic. Think!”

Anna lay down, her eyelids felt heavy and she didn´t feel to be in command of her own body, her thoughts felt to be slower as waves crept from her feet to her head. She didn´t know what it was but, the waves were getting stronger as her mind was getting slower, until everything disappeared into blackness.

hours

wow! I´ve written three more pages of "double life" ha! it´s an accomplishment even though it took me 3 hours to write them hahah the inspiration came little by little but Im glad with what I got. now, to edit -at some point today or tomorrow- I like how the story is progressing so far. I do not have much vision of where it´s going to end but it´s going I guess.

Wandering is a whole another thing, Anna´s ending -I mean the story ending- is constantly changing so much that it´s overwhelming! I wish I had more time to write... or more inspiration to write faster hahaha

wandering 13: Broken glass

Once again on the go...I´ll try to correct any mistakes and stuff, but be aware that it´s Anna so, she´s not exactly reasonable or follows a pattern, this is just like what she finds most oppressing/bad in her brain. I really felt like explaining haha. I have a song for this part that fits also for parts 11 and 12: falling inside the black by skillet
*****

The white light made her face look paler than usual. Dark eyes on a pale face, closed mouth, a stare was what Anna was seeing. The mirror was squeaky clean and she was observing her face, her pale features, her dark eyes which seemed to hold darkness, emptiness... at that thought her eyes seemed to be made of glass about to brake. She quickly moved them away, enclosed her emotions, kept the emptiness inside, turned off the lights and stared at the shades and shadows in the room.

"What are we going to do for Christmas dinner?" Anna´s mother asked her the next morning when she went in the kitchen. The older woman was on vacation, Anna was on her way to school.
"I dont know" she said, wishing that she hadn´t come in the kitchen at all
"Come on, Anna! what do you want we to cook for that night?" her mom promted her
"I dont mind, just... anything would be fine"
"What´s the matter? You used to love planning Christmas dinner!"
"yeah..." She turned around to the door "Im leaving now" no answer.

Walking out the door she could feel the emptiness she had seen the night before hitting her and throwing her down to the ground. It was so tiring to walk around with that. "I used to love it" she murmured. Her brain couldnt help but to remember all those hollidays spent with her family, she knew it was not the dinner itself nor the night even less the gifts, it was the whole process, all the little details that took them to that point: the grocery shopping, the planning what dessert was going to be served, the sample tasting at the supermarket, the small fights over the decorations, the cooking together... all those things that were so simple and unimportant but made the difference and that was gone, long gone. Anna just wished that her family didnt try to force her to pretend those things were still there, they couldnt expect her to pretend to be hapilly spending time with the family when they barely talk, when they were miles away even if they lived under the same roof. She couldnt understand why her mother wanted to force her to pretend that everything was ok.

"So, we´ll go to the grocery store tomorrow" her mother said when she came back in the afternoon
"I won´t go"
"Do you have anything else to do?" she inquired frowning
"I just dont want to go..."
"But it´s our tradition...that´s what we do" she said as if it had never been interrupted, as if it was all the same
"I dont want to participate... just please, dont make me... you know it´s not the same as before, why ..." Anna stopped herself, she knew her mother was trying, or forcing, to get some sense of normalcy back
"Anna, please, why dont you make a little effort?" the woman said with that voice that meant she disapproved her not wanting to participate in the "traditions"
"just, please, I... dont include me this time" Anna forced a smile and walked away before her mother could command her to participate...though she knew the whole thing wasnt over yet...just delayed.

"It´s amazing how good memories can turn to bad ones, right?" Scire said, a whisper
"I wish I didnt have memories..." her eyes, once again  were broken glass.

wandering 12 * Falling Down

"Im the one calling you to make sure you are ok" that part of her dream or delussion, whatever it was, had lingered in Anna´s memory. I guess I was truly sick, she thought, I was trully sick since I was listening voices instead of just my thoughts.
"you are sick indeed, you are always hearing me" Scire said. It seemed like she was trying not to laugh. Anna rolled her eyes.
"sicker than usual, then?.... I never knew you could tell such tales, usually you´re just contradicting me"
"I didnt tell you any tale"
Both of them kept quiet, Anna was about to cross a street. She was quite careful when crossing streets. She was very scared of cars, her hand closed in a fist everytime, perhaps if she had someone by her side she´d take their hand...but no hand was there to hold her and reassure her. She had have an accident when little, both her mother and her. She had ended under the car with a broken leg. The pain was a reminder of it in cold days.

"Scire I dont want to eat this anymore" she murmured at luch.
"Then eat something else" Scire said matter-of-factly
"No, you dont get it. I dont want to eat. I want to leave. I feel like laying down to never get up"
"We should´ve stayed home then"
"home, right, didnt you see how parents seen to think we´re faking it. I rather be out here than over there. You should know this"
"dont take it on me" At this point Anna made an exasperated sound and said no more, pass away the cafeteria and went to the garden, right through the pine tree. There she lay, feeling really cold. The fever was comming back. She took a pill out of the blister and drank it.

A moment later she opened her eyes and saw a ceiling, she felt herself laying on a stretcher. Her eyelids felt heavy. She blinked a couple of times. She saw water on the ceiling, her head felt heavy.
"The ceiling is made of water" she thought when she saw the waves in it. "No, that´s impossible, the ceiling cant be made of water, that doesnt make any sense" Scire whispered because she, too, saw as if water was floating over them. "We must be dreaming" she said softly
"Do you see what´s on the walls?" Anna half-smiled
"what?"
"red, red spatters...they´ve been painted, they´ve been tried to cover up but you can still see the pale red there. Blood" As Anna described it, Scire saw it too.
"That´s pink, it cant be blood, why would that be there?" Their heart started to pound.
"how would I know, Scire, but you can clearly see, it´s been painted white... ah, where am I?"
"I feel tired, Anna, we are tired"
"I dont want to close my eyes"
"are you afraid of closing your eyes?" they both heard the wind asking. Not knowing why Anna nodded and closed her fist taking the rim of the cover she had. She wasnt scared of closing her eyes but she couldnt manage a coherent thought or a way to explain what she was feeling or seeing. Her thoughts were rushed to her mind, they overlapped and collapsed into one another. Memories were being re-lived by her mind and it all seem to cause her laughter but she couldnt manage a smile.
"There´s smoke" she said after a while
"where?" Scire asked
"look, on top of the wall, there´s white smoke, as if there was a cigarrette there, if you look down there, close to the pink stains there´s some more smoke, purplish and pinkish, it looks like cotton candy. It keeps comming out of the wall. Why?" she heard herself laugh.
"Try to sleep" said the wind again and she thought she saw his eyes. Light eyes, clear eyes, blue like the sky "Close your eyes, Anna" the wind prompted her.
"why do you want me to sleep so badly?" she asked and blinked forcing her eyes to stay open watching the dance of colored smoke infront of her eyes. As the time passed she felt herself on a black carpet that melted and let her fall down, down, down to a shadow. She heard voices around her, farther; she was unable to understand what they were saying. She kept falling and falling through the slimy shadow.
Her eyes, ears and thoughts were oblivious to the world now. The wind kept talking.

***
written on the go... most likely to have many mistakes ...too lazy atm to correct them

wandering 11 * rest, Anna.

"I hate being sick!"
"I told you to hurry but you wanted to enjoy the rain, didnt you?" Scire said mockingly
"and that helps me how?" Anna turned around in her bed. She was so cold but she was burning, she had a fever. No one was there to tell her or to force her to take off the many covers that were warming her...The ceiling started to move, she was dizzy and the wind sounded like it had a voice.
"are you talking to me?" she thought she had asked to the voice.
"yes, dear, let me tell you a tale, is that ok?"
"go on, I have no where to go... would you sit close so that I stop feeling cold?"
"will you let me tell you the tale or not?"
"who´s stopping you?"
"alright-a little laugh- there was a little girl home alone and sick..."
"this is like grandpa stories, isnt it? -Anna said in a hoarse weak voice- one where you are really saying what´s going on right now but you make it sound like or try to make it sound like it´s someone else, right?" she smiled "what a weird feeling-she thought- to smile because you are having a happy memory"
"will you listen or not?"
"mh"
"ok, so there was a little girl home alone and sick, but you know she was not so little but she was innocent and sweet as one however not so many had discover that side in her. Home alone, once again, she was sad and sick, she has been sick so much that her family return to their normal life while she was locked -metaphorically, of course- in that empty cold house. She was in the verge of tears all the time, she knew she had the love of her family but that´s a given she used to think, they have to love her because she was part of them but that was it... she couldnt keep a friend because she was always sick so she couldnt go out much or hang out with them. On the verge of tear, with pain,  all kinds of pain. The world would be better without me-she constantly thought- and then, one day, the phone rang. She picked it up but she never imagined that it was for her, no body had ever called her before. She heard a voice asking her how she was, how she was feeling, she was shocked "maybe this person needs something from me" she thought to herself as she answered she was not feeling well. After a small talk she realized she had been called only to know how she was doing. It was a nice surprise wasnt it?"
"is this some kind of joke? are you implying someone will call me because they care for me? are you high or something? well maybe Im the one who´s high talking to ...who are you again?"
"Im the one who´s calling you, talking to you making sure you are ok"
"right"
"you are the wind? or.... Scire?"
"rest, Anna"
Anna´s eyelids felt heavy, her body relaxed under the covers, she thought it was a stupid tale but it made her drowsy. She fall asleep and the darkness and the emptyness didnt chase her on her dreams that night.
"rest, Anna"

wondering 10* Drenched

Anna had cried herself to sleep, her soul was darkened by sadness, rage and abandonment. She threw herself to sleep and she dreamed. In her dream she didnt feel a thing, not even fear. She felt she was free, she felt that it didnt mattered if there was nothing meaningful in her life, she felt there was nothing that could hurt her but when she opened her eyes the next morning she realized that it had been a dream and that she was imprisonedin the million of cells that made her body which was no blessing.

Loneliness was always present in Anna´s life. She had taken her lunch alone in one of the many cafeterias scattered around the campus. She really liked this one, it was in a corner and instead of walls it had a few metal bars well located that gave the sense of one of those modern buildings, on this bars there were green-leaves plants hanging. She liked to sit right next to those plants but not today because all the tables were taken. She had to sat on one of the tables in the middle, it was awful. "you always need someone, it´s very bad to be alone" she remembered her mom saying "Im wont deny that" she had said with a tinge of sadness. It made her notice how lonely she was, in the middle of the room eating alone with no one waiting for her, not there, not at home, nowhere. She kept her eyes fixed on her plate, what else could she do? "just keep breathing" Scire said. "sure, it´s a reflex after all" Anna said bitter.
"keep your heart beating" Scire spoke again
"absoultely, after all I cant control that one"

Existencialist questions, had said one of her teachers, we all had have our time with those but there´s a moment in which we get over them. "Bah!" said Anna to herself "Im sure that´s the moment in which you convince yourself that you have to keep breathing no matter how miserable your life is... I dont like that, what´s the meaning of that?" she never said that out-loud, she didnt want to gain the reputation of being a suicidal person, not infront of all those people that barely knew her. Re-thinking that class she found herself infront of her classroom again. It was too early so it was pretty much empty. She sat and a few minutes later the sun was shinning over her. It was so annoying, she moved, and then again. A couple of classmates arrived, a small talk that she couldnt remember anymore.They all went to the class and then the next class. It was ok, she was good at it because it kept her mind busy, it kept her away of the emptiness her life was.

The sky turned gray, the rain started to fall, it was a heavy rain, it even hurt a little when the drops hit her skin. She was drenched, she didnt have an umbrella. She didnt even bothered to run or to find for a place to cover... "who cares?" she thought "it´s cold just like me"
"I wonder if someone could give me a ride home...." she thought
"no body knows you Anna, do you think they´d do that for a complete stranger?"
"I know, it´s my fault after all... I dont make any effort for knowing them, I dont make any effort to open up myself but...I dont think it´s worth it, I mean, who´d care for a heart that´s not their own?"
"mh"
"maybe Im a hypocrit, right? yeah, I dont show how I really feel, no ones knows how many nights I´ve cried, they only see the shy girl who sits in the corner of the classroom"
"you dont have to be that hard on yourself, Anna...just ...." but Scire didnt have words to confort Anna who was walking slowly under the heavy rain.
"who cares about the real me, after all it´s all dark, empty and gray...what a person! ha" she laughed
"we should hurry up, Anna, I dont want us to get sick"
"shut up, Scire, let me enjoy the rain..."

one more day...

It was too much this time. Anna left school. She ditched school. She walked quickly though the almost empty street with nowhere to go. Her eyes were filled with tears, too many to be swallowed back. The few people that were on the street saw how her own tears were humilliating her because no matter how much she wanted to stop them they kept flowing like rain. Her lips were red... and she knew that probably her nose too. It was embarrasing. She had to scape, she had to run away, she wanted to be alone... or not...

She walked for a while without direction until she found a park. On the farthest side of the park there were some swings under a couple of trees. Anna sat on one of the trees. There was a little boy on the other swing, when he saw Anna he left. The park was empty now. Anna was alone as she wished but what she really wanted was some confort, she wanted to know there was someone that cared for her but there was no one for her. Her tears kept on comming.

She didnt want to believe yet the hope had crept to her soul and now she was mourning over another broken promise. It was ok, she didnt even care about what the content of the promise was  but the fact that it had  been broken just killed her... He had promise to be there and then he was not there and she foolishly had believed him.
"dad, why do I keep believing on you? you never keep your promises" Anna said. She hated him for making her believe in him and she hated herself for being naïve.

She was not going to cry for his broken promises anymore... they were strangers nowadays... but memories hurt and a hurt soul does not trust any other anymore. She was not going to cry anymore, her tears were not going to humilliate her anymore but the feeling of being left behind was still there but now, she was stronger or strong enough to push it away while she lived through the days.

"stop thinking about that, Anna" Scire said hidding the fact that it affected her too.
"what do I have, Scire? what?"
"Anna, dont..."
"I dont have anything, no wait, I have a fake confidence, a fake strenth, more broken promises than the starts and lost hope..."
"it´s been a while since you dont think on the <>" Scire said, she was desperate to change the mood so even though she also felt a little annoyed for not knowing exactly who this "one" was she reminded it because there was something, a memory perhaps that told her it made Anna´s heart to be a little at ease...plus they had fantasized with this unknown person for quite a while.
"What are you talking about?? -Anna said annoyed- the "one"that´s just some childish fantasy based on lies, something that doesnt exist, someone that does not exist... it´s only in  this sick mind of mine"
"but..." Anna was really upset today... having to pretend she was happy and fine with her fake family always made her upset.
"no buts! stop that! I dont want that...I know it´s been ...fun -Anna said before Scire´s reply- it´s also cause anguish for us... I know it annoys you to feel it´s so real and so reachable when it´s not"
"it´s real, it´s in you therefore it´s real, just like the pain in you that no one sees, feels or understands. The "one" is real I know you can feel it too, it´s real because you feel it, because there´s a memory you have, because you see it!" Scire was mad, she was having flashbacks of a person smiling, of someone hugging her, the feeling that someone had cared. Anna didnt understand what was going on. Was she having a nightmare?
"what kind of comparisson is that? my pain is real, those images that you are creating are just that, imagination or a serious mental illness. Stop it now, it´s enough!"  Was she having a nightmare? was she thinking or sleeping? is this hell?

wandering 8* scaping

"aaaahhh Im the worst!!  why cant I feel what I want to feel! -Anna said angry at herself- the worst part is that Im drowning in a glass of water" Scire only laughed. "Im mental!"
"at least you´re now in a good mood" said Scire in a matter-of-fact way. They´d been having one of their endless dialogs.
"well, yeah, there´s nothing else left to do" Anna shrugged "plus, it´s not that someone can give me happiness, I cant entrust that to a single person or feeling... things always end"
"right" Scire agreed
"plus...it´s not like I know that many people, I dont even have friends" Anna sighed
"right" Scire agreed again
"you´re being so calm and rational, Scire!"
"I am" and that made Anna laugh.
They were a little better, maybe it was true that laughter makes one feel better, they were only together when they were feeling bad, they were ok now so probably it was only going to be Anna for a long while. Sleep tight Scire!

"oh come on! leave me alone- Anna said to the open space the sky was. The sun was over her, again it was as if it was chasing her. She didnt move this time, she had moved before, it wasnt that hot anyways. She was today in a different place, there was a path and at the end of it there was a table, she was just looking at the few people that were going by, not so many, just a few that were still on campus. A group was comming through the path towards her. The girls of the group only saw her from the corner of their eyes and the boy looked straight to her but he seemed to be looking at her without really looking, as if she wasnt really there. Why does it always seem to happen that way, Anna wondered, but she didnt care to know the answer.

Some rain cloud covered partially the sun beam that seemed to be over her. "maybe it´ll rain tonight- Anna thought- I hope it doesnt start this afternoon, I dont have an umbrella, I dont want to get wet"
Suddenly, Scire woke up and said:
"Think about how on T.V shows they made the rain seem like a romantic stuff -Anna smiled a little to herself- imagine this scene, two person under the same umbrella, is that so romantic?"
"yeah! you only get your shoes wet and you get cold" Anna rolled her eyes
"but whatever Anna, it´s not like you are going to do it -Anna sighed quietly- she knew very well that Scire wanted to try out some of what´s supposed to be romantic"
"with pheromones, hormones and chemicals flooding our brain, anything would be the most wonderful thing in the world, silly! but you know very well that I dont want to be one more of the crowd, I wont give up my will and freedom to someone who´s intentions are unknown -it was Scire who sighed this time- "
She was quiet, completely quiet this time, no more talk to herself.

After a while, she heard a voice singing loudly, probably he was singing at the school next to the campus. The man had a strong, very manly voice but he sounded young, maybe he was a student at the school. He was singing popular songs and he substitute the original names on the song for girl´s name, you could hear girly screams right after that.

-"That´s cheap" Anna said annoyed for some reason
"it´s kind of sweet" Scire said
"it must be unconfortable for the poor girl"
"what do you know, Anna? maybe you´d be glad if someone sang a song for you"
Anna shook her head when she realized how a part of her wanted something so... cheesy and another part of her felt disgusted by that.

"What am I doing here? -she asked herself in a whisper- I guess this is better than being ...home" it was painful to think of  a home for her. She waited for a while there to leave. She wanted to get home late enough to not have to fulfill duties of pretending nothing was wrong.

wandering 7 *lost

The night went by, the night came, another day to live, another day the clock was ticking away. It was midday, Anna laid down on her bed.
"It´d be nice that you talked to me first once in a while" the inner voice, Scire, said first expressing the longing for company they had at times.
"it´d be great if you really existed! that´s what you have to consider" Anna sighed sadly

Life is like water between your finger, you cant stop it, it runs away and waits for no one, life goes on and on until it goes away.
Anna kept living, Anna kept dreaming, Anna kept waiting, Anna kept having those moments of reverie, those moments of being half sleep, half awake, Anna kept Scire for herself..... anything changed, anything could´ve changed now, after all she only had the silver-like ghosts of a purplish past that´d never come back, a past that now was like a knife stuck in her soul.

The lunch line at the caferia. Everyday it was the same, like a river that goes over and over through the same path. There was nothing particularly appealing, so once again, it was going to be the usual, a taste-less sandwich and a soda.
"the food that tastes better is the one made with love" Anna heard as she passed close to a couple of people talking. Hearing that phrase made the knife, the ghosts, to hurt even deeper in her soul, it was like she was bleeding due to those words. The echo of an old conversation screamed in her ears:
    "it tastes so good!! what does it has?" a younger Anna was saying in the memory
    "yes hun, it tastes delicious!"
    "well, it has my secret ingredient!" the man grinned
    "what is it! I want to know so I can use it too" the younger Anna asked
    "when I cook for you two -said the man with a warm voice- I use love as the secret ingredient"
    "love as the secret ingredient!" the younger Anna in the memory repeated smiling

the scene was repeating itself in Anna´s mind and over and over the words "love as the secret ingredient" were stabbing her. The food that tastes better is the one made with love, that had made her remember one of the memories she had buried, a happy memory that was, now, a sad one, dyed with pain and betrayal, the secret recipe was spoiled now, lost.
she hated to admit it but it was true, that damn ingredient di made wonders in the kitchen and maybe in everything. She´d been the one in charge of the kitchen for a while and she had been good at it, she liked it, and the damn secret recipe had worked but then it was all lost and now she hated to get close to the kitchen because even though she followed the recipe, even though she did the same the food didnt taste the same, the damn secret ingredient was lost and now it all was tasteless.

The emotional side of Anna, Scire, got sad, on the verge of tears.
"no! you know very well that I dont cry, you know that I dont cry even less in a public place, you know today´s not Saturday, we can only cry on a Saturday night. Scire, let´s cry some other day"
Anna shook her head twice as if trying to shake away the memories in her head. It worked... the memories went away but not the pain, the tears stayed unshed, storaged for a Saturday that never came, not since her mother married again, not since she was no longer important in that house, not since she was alone.

Anna kept walking, head high, looking straight without looking, longing in her thoughts, hatred in her thoughts. She sat under the pine tree, today, finally the sun didnt seem to be chasing after her. A sip from the soda can.
The pain of thousand swords lingered in her soul and there was no painkiller for that pain, she couldnt cry out for Scire to tell her a story with the misterious person she didnt know yet missed because it was only going to make things worst and she was not going to be able to fall to that dark state of semi-consciousness that let her to dream and more than that, that state that made the emptiness of her life oblivious to her. A heavy sigh escaped from her, she leaned against the tree, looked up to the sky, sighed again and smiled sadly, all the sadness in the world in her eyes.
"what do I have" she wondered. This time there was no inner voice, this time it wasnt someone who thinks she´s crazy talking, this time it was two half of one, it was Anna and Scire, it was one person screaming without producing a sound, this time it was two half of one bleeding invisible blood. This time it was a question, a cry, a question.
"what do I have? I have anything, I only have emptiness, never-ending darkness that imprisons me. What do I have? I have two desires, one like the sunny day, the other dark as the night, I have to get one so I dont get the other. I have two prayers, both carved in my soul, both present in every second of my life. What do I have? I want to go away, I want my sould to fly to the never-ending space. What do I have? I want to be found by the one I dream about, I want to be found and have someone who cares. What do I have? I dont want to love, I dont want to need anybody, I dont want to need anybody. What do I have? I dont want to hurt anybody, I dont want to get hurt, I dont want to run away, I dont want to break anybody´s heart. What do I have? I hate missing you, I hate missing and talking to you when you dont even exist, I hate looking out for you without looking and I hated dreaming of you without seeing you, I hate longing for you and I hate hating you. What do I have? I have words, useless words, I have broken smiles, fake smiles, akward silences, false confidence, self-control that´s only a mirage, I have letters and writing, I have my proud looks, I have won over fear, I have hate on my side, I have an invisible sign of ´dont get close´, ´Im so perfect that´ll judge your weaknesses´, ´Im so stupid that I wont notice when you stab me´ yeah, that´s what people see in Anna. What do I have? I dont have what I want, I dont have what I want because to get what I want I have to shatter my heart, that or shatter my body.

For a moment Anna felt some warm drops rolling over her cheeks but the stopped quickly, there was only silence, silence outside and silence inside, silence inside for the first time in a long time, a quiet and calm silence that meant something worst was to come... calm before the storm, yes, that was it. What do I have? I have two wishes, two longings. The main one will make me fly free, at last, my soul cries for that one... the other wish... it has grown... I miss that misterious person, I want that person to be mine... I want that person I hate that person.
"Scire? Scire?"
"Im always here, talk to me" Scire answered to Anna
"Scire, what´s going on? what have we just said?"
"we? -Scire curved one eyebrow- you said it not me" both laughed.....

*********
I think this will need to b written again =/ idk it´s confusing I think but it´s late n w/e I need to see it posted there haha but it´s weird b/c Anna is weird, Anna dont know what she´s thinking, Anna doesnt know what´s going on w/her so her thoughts are chaotic.

wandering 6 *Scire

She went to sleep peacefully but it was Anna so it couldnt last long, it wasnt so easy for her, it was never easy for her. Like nagging drops the images of the day came to her mind. Her brain seemed to have something wrong why didnt it let her sleep? it even showed her that he cloth, that one day was tight on her now was loose, was she loosing weight? She remembered some article she had read about the metabolism of some people, about how they easily loose weight. At some point, the other Anna, the other voice in her head woke up to show her an image of certain someone, someone that she didnt even knew, someone she knew didnt exist but she knew that she loved, she adored that someone or at least she had the need of that person. The truth was that this misterious person her inner voice was making her remember did existed, Anna did knew that someone, it had have a face, she just didnt know it, not just yet.
After a little while Anna realized she wasnt dreaming, she wasnt sleeping, she was in the middle of one of her conversations with her inner voice.
she growled internally "do something productive!!" but she couldnt think of anything of use that she could without having to leave her warm and confortable bed. She knew that if she moved she wasnt going to find that nice spot again. If anyone had seen her the position in which she was would´ve seem incredibly unconfortable but it was heaven for her. Since she didnt found anything to do she gave up and started to talk to her inner voice.
"Im your conscience" the inner voice said
"I dont think so... if what you are is my conscience then...." the inner voice laughed with amusement
"what am I then?"
"you´re problably the first symptoms of schizophrenia"
"do you really think so?- the inner voice had taken a serious tone- but after so much time -almost thirdteen years, because she had no memory from before she was three or four- dont you think that the schizophrenia would´ve taken control of you, that I´d have taken over you?"
"you make me go nuts!!"
"ok, but I dont think that I, whatever I am, am a symptom of some desease, Im not a symptom of you going crazy, not like that at least" the inner voice had now an amused tone of voice.
"I dont know, remember that in our family medical record ther are those types of deseases"
"yeah but they never thought they were sick, they thought they were healthy, they never admitted it and you, all you do is to think that you are getting crazy"
"don´t like, we dont do either, it´s true that I say that but never in public, I´d never admit that to strangers" Anna sighed "see, even know Im talking in plural, as if I am not one but two. I must be metal"
"No, you are not! plus it sounds better when you talk in plural because, at least, crazy or not, there are two voices, two sides of you that talk, you have someone to talk, dont you?" the inner voice said trying to confort Anna
"you encourage my insanity! and now the only thing I can think about is that I should give you a name!"
"awesome -the inner voice said cheerfully- that makes me happy"
"obviously! my insanity grows exponentially now!!"
"tell me my name" the inner voice prompted
"I dont know what to name you, you know Im bad at that"
"mmmm what about if you name after a color"
"a color? "
"yeah, like mmm our favorite color is blue, what if you use a contrast color?" said eagerly the inner voice
"then it´d be orange? that the contrast color of light blue" Anna´s brows furrowed a little

"I cant be named ´orange´!!" both bursted out laughing
"no, I dont like that" Anna said
"yeah, we´re crappy at this" the inner voice laughed
"what about Noir?- before the inner voice could say a thing, Anna interrupted her with a word- Scire, that´d be your name" and she smiled pleased at the name she´d come up with
"Scire -the inner voice laughed a little- and you say Im not you conscience!"
Anna and Scire laughed as they feel they were falling in the middle of the night and it´s quiet sounds. Anna and Scire let themselves be wrapped in a magic dream while repeating as if she was going to forget, as if she was calling someone she´d lost ´Scire... Scire... Scire...Anna...Scire, Sci..´

wandering **5: chatting

Her mother knocking at her door woke Anna up, she opened her eyes and unlocked the door, her mother came in along with her perfume, so characteristic of her. Anna remembered, just a year ago, when her mother came in they hugged, her mother gave her a kiss or carresed her cheeck now she only talked to her to check again the daily activities, the schedule. Anna blaimed that painful change to the new marriage of her mother. Anna burried herself under the blanket, she didnt want to get bitter so early in the morning.
"will you go to school today?"
"mh"
"in the afternoon? what time will you leave?"
"mmm..." she started to think, there was no other option but to wake up for real, she had to check her schedule. She told her mother the daily agenda, then, her mother, left the room. "one more day..." Anna said to herself and sighed. Suddenly she remembered the tale her innervoice told her the night before. A sharp feeling of guilt went through her "how can I do that? there must be something wrong with me, Im sure I`m the only one who does this kind of stuff, maybe I`ve gotten mad, mental, maybe I`m getting schizophrenic" there had been some people in her family with that desease, she was scared of getting that but once she was talking to her inner voice, she didnt really care about it, she was too addicted to her own tales.

Her day was like any other day, except for the sun that seemed to be chasing her, but then, that wasnt real maybe only something she wanted to see to avoid thinking about the monotony of her life, today is just like yesterday and the day before and the day before: classes, taking notes, asking questions, comment, en of classes, next class, home where she didnt seemed to be noticed, where everything was staying still as if the time wasnt going by. A monotonous life on the outside, on the inside, in Anna`s innerself every day was different because her tales and fantasies danced around her mind all the time, if there was no tale to tell, her voices were there always chatting and fighting and making peace again and again.
"I feel lonely, I think I need someone to keep me company" Anna said
"you dont need anybody! -her inner voice scolded- arent you enough for yourself? you know we cant trust in people, there no one who we can trust on, they always let us down" the inner voice said with a tinge of sadness
"really? do you really think there`s no one worth of our trust?"
"yes I do, you know very well how pople had let us down, how people has made us cry, how they`ve wanted to take advantage of us, how can I let you feel that miserable again?"
"I know..." Anna sighed
"you see, that`s enough reason to keep our distance, to keep your heart to yourself"
"to myself? to myself only?" Anna asked again knowing her innervoice answer already
"yes, even your father has betrayed you, he`s the one`s who`s supposed to keep you safe and he hasnt done it, he`s the one`s who`s supposed to take care for you and we know nothing of that, or, am I wrong?"
"no, you`re right but maybe we`re making it bigger than it really is, I mean, just because he does or doesnt do something, it doesnt mean Im going to take it as if he was the whole world, he`s not that important"
"do you really think, Anna, that the rest of the world is better than him? better than your mother who changes you for his new hubby?"
"no -Anna sighed- no they`re probably the same... but..."
"but you still want to find someone that cares, someone to trust, that`s what you were going to say right?" said the inner voice "and you are supposed to be ther rational voice here" both laughed not really feeling amused
"right, right, just a thought, we`re only starting to live" Anna said, forgetting she was talking to herself
"yeah and ...well, if we feel like trusting in someone, we`ll do it together, when it feels right" the inner voice said, it was as if it was smiling
"obviously -Anna said rolling her eyes- we`re the same person"
"yes, we are but so far you are in control, but you know very well I cant take over you" her inner voice teased
"are you saying you`re stronger than me?"
"no, Im just saying you can get tired"
"you`re going to make me go weak, tired?" Anna asked
"I know it`s no good for us that you brake away, because you`re the one who looks stronger, but it`s ok we have a good system as it is, after all you end up doing what I want, and dont try to deny it, in the end I win, not as loud as I wish but it`s as good as it`s going to get, I dont complain" the inner and overly-emotional voice said
"are we feeling better now?" Anna smiled
"mh"
"we dont need anybody" Anna said
"we dont need anybody" the inner voice echoed
and that was the end of he talk with herself while she was on the bus back home. Before getting off the bus she looked around to the other passengers, they were looking her with a weird look and she realized that maybe she had been muttering words, she smiled to herself.
That night she was exhausted but it was a "delicious" type of exhaustion, the type that makes one enjoy the feeling of the bed against your skin. She slowly closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling, it had been a long time since she had felt that she was going to sleep well....

***I hope I didnt make too many mistakes... I was freaking out b/c I thought I had lost my notebook, where Im writing this but gladly I found it, finally I`ve gotten a little time to write a little but... I`m being nagged to go n help at the kitchen ¬¬ 

Wandering **4: telling tales

Today the sun seemed to be chasing after her, Anna was lying down over the grass and after a moment the sun was right above her face, she moved, again, and this time she opened her arms completely, making a cross with her body, she closed her eyes for a while but again, there was the sun right above her face "the sun`s chansing me today" she thought. It felt that way for her; even at sunset she could felt the red sun rays, it was weird or maybe not, "it might be all just a coincidence, you know" her inner voice said.

That night she woke up again in the middle of the night. When she realized she was awake she growled "dont think about anything, just go back to sleep!" it was too late, she was awake already.
She remembered a face, she remembered the ghost of a name, the faint scent of someone, "someone" who that was? she knew she knows that "someone" she`s not completely awake to tell who is it but she feels stupid for having the thought. Her inner voice was awake too "dont feel stupid maybe there`s someone thinking about you too" Anna wanted to believe that but she just couldnt "you know, as much as I do, that it is not possible... for some reason that someone is in my thoughts even before Im totally awake, I just wish I could remember the name..." her inner voice stayed quiet for a while then said "it`s true, probably no one think about us and smile at the thought of our name but it doesnt mean we cant dream a little" the inner voice smirked "let me tell you a story ok? dont say no Anna, after all is not like it`s real.
The answer was going to be "no" but both of them loved the stories of that dreamy and fearless inner voice. "The same "someone"? " Anna asked to her inner voice
"you already know the answer to that question, that someone that invades our brains like narcotic, untraceable narcotic..." Anna payed attention to her inner-voice whispers "listen to this, Anna" it said " a soft soft breeze, the leaves playing music for you, a calm place, you`re sat with "someone" there are no words between you too but your skin communicates, your fingers caressing his hands..."
"what are you saying??!!" Anna interrupted the inner voice "I dont like it `my fingers caressing his hands?!` I wouldnt do that!"
"no you wouldnt but you`d like to, if not, the thought of it hadnt occurred to me -the inner voice laughed- if you were a bit more daring you know you`d do it"
"shut up!"
"oh, you know I`m right, Anna! now, let me finish ok?"
both voices stayed quiet for a bit, thinking perhaps
"your fingers caressing his hands, electricity through your fingers, hands, through all your skin -Anna was able to feel what the inner voice was describing and little by little she was wandering in her own reverie- he turned to look at you. <> 
<
The scene was filled with midst and the inner-voice tale got to an end, the images got blurred, slowly, Anna had fallen asleep, with the lullaby of her own voice.

wandering **3. Midnight talk

Ana was about to get to her home. She got off the bus but she had to walk a few blocks. It was getting dark and the street was empty which was strange because usually by that time of the day lots of people were walking by, comming from their work places, but not today. She could barely see some shadows ahead and behind her, the mist made them a blur in the distance. It`s so strange that the street is so empty at this time of the day, she thought and her innervoice answered "so what? do you know any of those people or something?" she smiled bitterly and looked up to the sky, despite the fog, the pale moon was visible, beautiful and right above her.

When she got to her house, she took out her keys and opened the door, her parents were there already, her mom lying down on the couch and her dad right in front of the T.V. Neither of them turned to see her when she came in.
"I`m home" she said quietly, and she only said it because her mother hated it when she didnt but the truth was that it was her father`s rule, her mother didnt care if she said it or not, it was silly "to say I`m home should be because you are happy to be back" she thought.
Both her parents answered with a murmur, without looking at her, her mother told her that her dinner was in the fridge. Ana went straight to the kitchen, took the plate, reheated its contents and went to her bedroom. She hated it, she hated that routine, getting home and eating alone in her bedroom, she could remember that just a few month ago it was all different but she could do nothing. "Just look at the bright side of it, Ana" her inner voice said.
***

She woke up in the middle of the night without a reason, she got mad at herself since she knew she was not going to be able to fall asleep again "go back to sleep" she commanded herself... she was there staring at the ceiling, listening to the crickets trying to fall asleep, instead of that, her inner voice woke up, this night it was a bit nostalgic.
"do you remember that wall you used to climb?" the inner voice said
"of course I remember. Why does it matter?" Anna said, annoyed.
"it was a very thick and strange wall, dont you think, that house was really old, right?"
"mh.."
"do you remember the first time you climbed it? the inner voice asked
"what does it matter! go back to sleep!" she said "Oh my god! I must be going crazy" her inner voice didnt listen to what Anna commanded and kept on talking
"You were sad, I dont remember why, but I felt like dying"
"what? you dont remember??!!" Anna interrupted her inner voice "how can you say that when it was you the one in control of me?"
"oh, come on! you know you love me! -most of the times-" her inner voice answered and laughed "and you always back me up, dont you?"
"stupid voice! we`re the same person!"
"I know that however, I also know that you do nothing to shut me down...there must be a reason, right?" Anna rolled her eyes "anyways, where was I?...ah, yeah... the first time you climbed that wall..."
"that you climbed??" Anna said
"ok, ok that we climbed it, happy?, you were so sad, we were so little, I dont think we are crazy, I just think we are different, we share a wish that no one else wishes... back then, we lifted our hands to heaven, remember?"
"yes... I was looking up to heaven, it was weird, we felt like a little bird in a cage, and that place did look like a cage right?" her inner voice chuckled "we closed our eyes but we could still see the sky, right?"
"yes, it was so conforting!" the inner voice said
"I dont think so" Anna disagreed
"well, but at least we were able to cry in that peaceful place and to say our pray"
"I know... we thought God would listen to us..." Anna sighed
"he listens to us... he just doesnt want to..."
"yeah..."
without noticing Anna`s body relaxed and the sounds became silent...she was finally falling asleep.

***
mmm Anna is so strange right? lol

wandering 2: Pine tree

Ana was shy and lonely. She often considered her shyness to be a big deffect sometimes, she liked it though, because it was good to have time for herself without the influence of others but in her alone time, there were times that she felt like falling off a cliff "there´s always a need of another sould to keep us company" she thought at those moments... "nothing I can do about it" she told her other half while trying to shake off the feeling of emptyness.

She spend pretty much all her time at school. It was so tiresome. One of many times while she was in the line to buy her lunch she heard a voice calling her name, it was a classmate, Mary who waved at her and then asked her to have lunch together, Ana just followed her. It was strange that Mary talked to her, she had never done it, but she noticed this time Mary was not with her usual friends that were like glued to eachother "I wonder where are the other two" Ana thought. Mary walked towards one of the gardens. It was a quiet place, scented with the smell of pine trees; the needles of the pine trees made some kind of carpet over the grass. It was a nice place. They sat.

Ana listened to everything Mary said, she answered all the questions Mary did and as soon as they part she forgot all about the conversation. Since that day every time that she wanted to get away of the noise in the cafeteria or the voices of the students that constantly walked by the halls, she went to the pine tree garden. She liked to sit under the shadow of one of the pine trees. It was a perfect place... most of the times... she was always like that, one moment something could be perfect and the next moment it could be the worst thing ever... the quietness was the best of the place but also the worst. Ana... always on the fence.

It became a habit for Ana to go to that place, so much that sometimes she felt like crying "why? am I sad? why? because I keep coming alone here? why? I dont really have a reason to be sad... that means I should be happy...am I happy? have I ever been happy?" It was like an inner talk, almost a fight...it was like that most of the times. The scene was always the same, Ana sat under the same pine tree, eating her tasteless sandwinch and after eating, she used to laid on the grass to rest, to exist only.

One of so many days, her pine tree was being used by a couple, she was mad, it was her tree "are you crazy? the tree is not ur property! just sit somewhere else!" her inner voice told her. Mad at her inner voice she went to sit somewhere else, it was some kind of a small hill. An inner street of the campus was visible there.
That day before going to the garden she went to the cafeteria but she didnt found anything "eatable" so she just bought a drink and a cookie. Her lunch was almost finished when she heard an ambulance, it was louder and louder. It was comming up from the inner-street of the campus.
Quickly the paramedics ran carrying a stetcher towards the cafeteria after a while they came back with someone in the stretcher, probably someone that had fainted because one of the person`s hand was hanging out, moving at the quick pace of the paramedics.

Ana tried to see who that person was but it was too far, however the hand hanging on a side of the stretcher was too delicate and thin to be a man`s hand so she figured it was a woman. Ana had a tradition whenever she heard an ambulance she would pray a little prayer for whoever was in it. "Lord, please welcome that person in heaven and if they dont know you then give them a chance to know you, Amen" the prayer had changed over the time, she used to pray for the life of the people but since she didnt want to be on earth anymore she thought that maybe there was others with the same wish, but for they`re souls to be saved, that was what mattered after all, she thought.

Ana stared for a while at the place where the ambulance had been and for a second she felt a weird sensation inside her "I hope she didnt left anyone that needed her" she said in a whisper and then she forgot about it while lying on the grass again and staring fixedly at the blue sky.

when the clock turned two she woke up, took her things and walked towards the building of her next class, right when she passed in the place where the ambulance had been she felt the same weird sensation "maybe it was one of the cafeteria ladies, maybe the one I talked to..."  she stopped a little "forget about it Ana!" her inner voice said, she half smiled and kept walking slowly, her eyes looking to the ground.

***
I think this one`s a little weird...

wandering ** 1. Ana

***A new story? idk maybe, maybe not... this is the first part of it, I have some more written but I`m not sure if it`s good or not... I`ll see. I think there r lots of spelling mistakes n errors but it`s really late n I dont feel like editing at the moment... sorry `bout that...
well, here it is...

"I know I dont belong here, take me home, take me somewhere I can belong" she said from time to time as a prayer, as a wish, as a certainty. It was not like she said it over and over; however, it was there inbetween every breathing. It didnt make her life any different, not usually, but that longing was everything. In silence, everynight she expected it. She expected to be taken "home". Probably what she wanted the most was to disappear without watching the time leave marks all over her. It leaves all kinds of marks, on your skin, on your mind, on your heart...why to let it happen?

Ana loved intensely and gave it all when her heart set in caring someone; however, she didnt loved many, but since she loved intensely her heart was fragil and the wounds seemed to never heal, that`s why she prefered not to love anybody or maybe she just didnt want to love too many people that could make her stop wanting to "go home".

Reason and being reasonable was very impotant for Ana she had decided that in the meantime, while she was not being taken "home" she was going to live a good life, the best that she could, basically she didnt wanted to have a miserable life though she was very miserable sometimes, during those times she just wanted to sent herself home but for religious reasons and cowardness she decided to wait, because despite the fact that she denied it, deep down she was very religious and such thing always broke her own will but it just avoids me many problems she would lie to herself. She did thought it was boring though but better safe than sorry.

Ana was not only Ana, she was also someone else, but that someone else was her. She had a voice inside her head, it was almost like she was two people at once. Ana and that inner voice were completely different, the inner voice was emotional and questioning and annoying, and Ana was reasonable, she kept herlself together no matter what, Ana was the one that calmed down the inner voice telling herself it was only her teenager hormones going crazy... Ana was a complex person but she seemed to be quite simple, hardly anybody ever guessed who she really was and that made her very happy but also very sad. A contrast, always on the fence, never completely happy, never completely miserable, she loved that about herself but, of course, she also hated that about herself... "why cant I choose between love and hate, good and evil, be quiet or shout?" she wondered but never too much, she didnt want to think to much about her reasons because maybe she didnt even had reasons to start with, maybe she only wanted to be seen and be go enough. The latter was some kind of childhood trauma that evolved into pride because she was actually quite good for many things but never good enought for herself, she was always looking for more, to be better and no matter how much she accomplished, it never seemed to be enough... it made her feel empty somehow, always empty.