Ritual

Looking at the white ceiling,
Waiting to fall asleep,
Every beat of my heart says I miss you
Every brain cell scoff,
They remind me it wasn't real,
The unforgiving reason speaks up,
It points out it wasn't meant to be.
Still, the rhythm of my chest
Silently proclaims your name.
Only your name for the last half decade,
Your name said like a prayer
To a goddess that hears not
She isn't merciful, she isn't real.

*
Nov. 2014

Desires

I was chatting, smiling at my computer as I replied
Then, I was running, running away from her
I had never wanted to run away from her
I had been always following her, walking next to her at some point
and then doing my best to caught up to her
Not anymore. I was running away from her
Ignoring the pain in my chest as I put distance between us
I didn't want to tell her about it,
I´d do anything to avoid it...

I woke up. Wow. It was a dream...
right?

Dead Stars

My dear...
I still can´t say your name, it feels like a forbidden curse, a too powerful spell
Why you?
How did you become so important, so permanent?
I was asleep, not knowing I was dreaming and you awoke me
and showed me lights and colors and laughter
and slapped me with pain and tears and oblivion

Your sideway smile opened my eyes and I saw you
I saw beyond what I always saw, invisible blurs of what people is made of
I saw your eyes and your hair and your hands and your lips and your steps
and I loved you like the first time, like a gift, like fire

I loved you more than life
enough to deny myself, enough to be open to change, enough to hope and dream
Pouring all over with infinite words, pinning my heart on your skin, it didn't stay
You were asleep, dreaming of other lands, greener grass and a brighter sky
I wasn't loved

It rained on me and I clumbled like salt
My wounds hurt, everything hurt, your absence hurt, your presence hurt
I faded away. I was asleep, unaware that my night was nightmares
The morning light awoke me and I saw you, I see you
I see your shell and it´s changed to my eyes. I see your core and I remember I loved you
The shadow of you eclipses the shadows of the life after my heart died

I compare you to the light of dead stars
no longer there but their light´s still travelling the darkness
piercing memories of what it was and no longer exists
Not alive, not dead, the stars never knew my eyes gazed at them with love
How long will your light last? How much more will you cast shadows over me?


***
-some impromptu inspiration... plagued with mistakes no doubt
-my friend said writing poetry was like making confessions

Porque vivo/Because I live

 Me haces falta

En las noches cuando no quiero ver a nadie

Me haces falta cuando no me siento linda

Me haces falta en los días en que venias a mí por refugio

I miss you

During the nights in which I don't feel like seeing anybody

I miss you when I don't feel beautiful

I miss you on the days that you used to come to me for shelter

Te empujo al cajón del fondo de mi mente en los días que rio

Me digo que te he olvidado y ya no te anhelo cada día y lo creo

Y no te espero, y ya no te pienso

Y ya no te rio y ya no te lloro

Pero te extraño cuando el murmullo calla y el grillo canta

Cuando mi mente deambula como ebrio en un callejón

 I push you to the bottom of the drawer, to the back of my mind on the days that I laugh

I tell myself I´ve forgotten you and that I don’t long for you every day and I believe it

I don't wait for you, I don't cry for you anymore

But I miss you when there´s silence and the crickets sing

Whenever my mind stumbles like a drunk

Porque vivo todavía te conservo,

Porque te quedaste en mi recuerdo como otra pintura de hace tiempo atrás

Porque no estás te pienso en las noches en que no me tengo, en las noches en que no existo

Con corazón pesado y lágrima en mejilla toco la herida que ha sanado ya

No es la herida, es el recuerdo el que escoce la emoción

 Because I live, I have you with me

Because you´re stuck in my memory like one more painting from some time ago

Because you´re not here I think about you in the nights that I don't belong to myself, in the nights that I don't exist

With a heavy heart and a tear rolling down my cheek I touch the healed wound that you left

It´s not the wound that hurts but the memory that stabs my emotions

Es un instante que se estira en espiral desde donde contemplo el ayer

Donde tus manos rozaron el espacio en que no estaba

Y el mañana en el que de nuevo olvidaré tu ausencia

 It´s just a moment that stretches turning in spirals from where I glance back at the past

Where your hands grazed against the space in which I was not

And the future in which I´ll forget your absence once again

****

****

I liked this one, it just happened a few weeks ago haha it feels nice when poetry comes back to me, it´s been such a long time since my poetry muse has left me but hey! I’ll take what I can get haha Btw, my mom loved this one lol lol she says I got in her head and wrote her thoughts hahaha 

Rainy

Light is raining

Standing still

Dead

It bathes every surface

It hides so much

Pretty and unmoved

Words that will never get to you

Sunlight makes me invisible

Pierced words of affection

Delusion of a mirrors house

Light keeps raining

Damping my days

Washing you away

Hanging you like a corpse on display

It´s your shape but it´s all me

Spiders knit memories for me

A fake smile under the light rain

Never true, never real

As tangible as my heart

The mirage my mind decided to show me

Light is raining...

Stranger

You were...

You were warmth spreading inside me in a cold winter day

You were gentle breeze caressing me in a hot summer day

You were...

You were that silly song that made me smile

You were the lyrics that touched the fibers of my heart

You were...

You were all that I wanted but didn´t know

You were what I´d never dare to take by force

You were...

You were a mirror that was kind without distorting my figure

You were a sweet hidden secret that never got to be a sin

You were...

You were the one thing that I thanked God for in my prayers

You were the one thing that I made a pledge to leave behind whenever another Hail Mary was said

You were...

You were so transparent

You were so thick

You were so weak

You were so strong

You were so blind

You were...

You were the cure and the dagger

You were what made me rise and what made me fall

You were...

You were what still a second ago brought a sweet memory to my mind

You were what the next second shattered it all

You were...

You are no more

You are still around but are no longer part of my present

You are a stranger now

You were...

…

.

Despite life

I was great

Yesterday was good, fun

Despite the pain, despite the walking, despite life

I woke up today to a warm bed, a comfortable pillow, a smile of my brother

I wanted to have a good day

But it seems it´s starting with a lot of drama

I´ve been throwing the word love this whole week

And it just keeps stabbing me

It´s as if what I give is never enough

I just can´t break myself and put me back together to fit what others want

It hurts and it has me broken and cracked and withered

I can´t do it anymore

But that seems to be what others want of me

Maybe they think I´m some kind of clay that they can mold to fit in the spaces they want

When will they mold to me?

Perhaps that's something that someone like me shouldn´t expect

And I don´t

And my heart confuses my mind

And I do

And they expect it from me

And they take chunks of me

I never learn....

Things are still the same, people´s just people, just men, just women...

I could give them names but they´re just what they are

I shouldn´t expect and I don´t but I do

I set myself for things like this

But it´s Saturday and I was wishing for a good weekend

I won´t mold to them anymore, be sad for them, 

Go on loving them despite the pain, despite the stabbings, despite life

And I know I lie

I can´t just forget them like they do once I´m of no use to them...

Tissue Box

You think I´m your personal never-ending Kleenex box don´t you? 

Well, guess what? I´m emptying and soon no more tissues for you

And I think you just took the last bit of my soul

You threw dirt to my eyes

And stepped on my heart

Just go away

I don´t want to see your face

Or ever listen to your voice again

You could tell me how to find my own tissue box though

That might be useful

I won´t feel bad to wipe off on someone´s heart

You got me with no soul to sympathize

I´ll walk this way

Go find some other to clean your tears

Who cares, right?

Yeah, you were right, I´m the stupid here

I gambled my goods for you

What else could I have expected?

You jump and you hit the ground

Silly me thought I would conquer gravity

Well, I´ll put my heart in a cast

Humans heal their wounds all the time

Back to my business

And good bye stupidity, 

It was not nice to meet you at all 

My Beautiful

You just show up,

A word or two:

No time has gone by.

I´ve got your back

A small light you are,

Playing the strings of my soul

You know it well

You tuned it to your heartbeat

I can´t deny you

A verb that carries no action

I am your subject

Won´t you be my complement?

You show up

I was convinced I had forgotten

I was convinced of never again

You pushed it all away like dominoes

With such delicacy

With such economy

With so much power

You messed my mind,

My senses, my everything

And it´s so much better

And I like it

And I wanted it

Splinter

everything´s you

it all sings your name

and you hurt all over the place

you´re like a splinter in me

it wasn´t enough for you to shatter my heart by you also went for my mind

in reverse order, 

there´s no one stranger than you

and that just makes you so much better for me

but you just ran away from me

with that smirk on your lips

you knew you were going to be missed, didn´t you?

you were candies, non sweet candies

and bitter chocolate and hot scorching tea

I was so into my bubble

you didn´t have to break it

but you touched it and 

now I can´t breath

you just grin 

as you make me think of you 

with every heartbeat

Rain in the desert

Oh my friend...this is what you do to me

You make me melt in sighs

And you make me rise in bubbles.

You are there in my head 

Even when I´m trying to keep it free from you

You got me up and down

And there´s never been a better antidepressant than you

And there´s never been a more effective depressant than you

You make me hallucinate

You make me walk straight while walking all over the place

There are thousands of things I´d like to tell you

And in my reveries I go all out for you

But I just can´t talk to you

Just ignore it all, the advices go

Do just the same, make that one go crazy

It seems, my friend, that I have the effect on you

That a fallen leave has on earth.... I just wither away

Nothing that I might say is enough

I never reach you enough

I never have you enough

Yet you got me too much

And you make me go insane, so much more

How did you carved yourself a home in my heart without working for it at all?

It´s unfair, my friend, you have that space abandoned, dark and waiting for you

While I have nowhere to go

Not even to you because there´s no room in you for me...

Sure, you´ll give me shelter whenever it rains... 

But I´m just a temporary guest... 

Or maybe a decorator and even a healer or a builder

Sometimes a fire for when´s cold

Or a ice for when´s too hot

A blanket for winter and sweet tea for summer

A doll if you want to play...

Whatever you want me to be, I am

Never what I want to be for you, that´s not to be reached by me

And this, my dearest, is what you do to me

You make me bleed words

And make me cry thoughts

And make me dream of illusions that turn to nightmares

All while gently uttering a word or two, 

Like rain in the desert

Lead me not into temptation

Remind me, God, to never utter an "I do"

Lead me not into temptation

of having my head in the clouds

the falling´s so easy 

but the bottom´s so hard

Deliver me from evil

the evils that feel so tender and sweet

that then come back to bite your heart out of your chest

to spit it on the ground for everybody to walk over it 

free my heart of pain

You holy, pray for me and my random heart

so that it´s death hour doesn´t fall upon it just now

and you gods don´t rejoice on the weak´s mind

have you ever felt a heaven like that?

However once is enough

two´s to fed up by it

gluttony is you sin, oh heart,

don´t you see, 

the same path leads to the same cliff?

Untouched

You´re too fresh on my mind

and it´s been so long

just when I thought 

the feel of your embrace was a healed wound

it still burns as it did when your arms were around me

but the cold edges make me shiver in pain...

I bet I still fit inside your embrace

I know your arms are still perfect 

There´s no doubt that no matter how hard I try

everything´s placed right where you left it

real, exciting,scary and unique

only you could paint me that...

A day goes by and I convince myself it´s all gone

Another day and I know it´s still there

paralizing my heart, 

stopping my life

but my heart´s still beating

and I keep adding days....

It all changes but the space left by you.

You appear at the most random times

yet you´re always there

lingering around me, inside me

your warthm hasn´t left me

scars are open wide

they were never closed

how I miss you

you´re never there, 

not a single of your fingers ever touched me

how can someone get so deep in you without even touching you?

Cold Morning

cool pix that I don´t own

A cold morning

I look for you

you´re not around

I miss your warm arms

As I fainted

I heard a drum: 

my beating heart

and my soul went to yours, 

the music of your heart

I lost consciousness with a smile

the night was dark and cold

I dreamed of you

the sun´s out

I want to run back to my dream

spinning

you´re never there
you´re never anywhere
I keep repeating myself
living in a house of mirrors
where the clock never moves
when you fall
you enter into my house
that you know as the back of your hand
expecting me to welcome you with open arms
my arms are opened
but the feel of you there has faded
and you´re just a distant memory
you pull me to you but you just don´t feel me
where do you want to go?
you scatter my thoughts
just as I start grasping meaning
you leave again not even saying goodbye
the carousel keeps spinning
my eyes are still searching for you
but you´re not there
you were never there
it was only the mirrors´ shimmering

When it was what it isn´t now

I´m down again
won´t you please tell me
everything´s going to be ok
like when I believed
like when I thought I´d be

I´m shivering
´cause that´s what tears do
they make one cold from the core
won´t you please hug me tight
like when you cared
like when you wanted to hold me always

I´m alone again
loner than before
like when you saw me
like when I didn´t care
tell me you´re here for me

Just let me lay my head on your shoulder
I apologize for my tears
I just don´t know where else to take them
I want to feel it´s then and not now
just a little while....
like when it was what it isn´t now...

Lights off

She turned on the light

when I wanted it off

I was contemplating they gray sky

as the day died

just like me

when she and her soft pace came

with light in her hands

I saw her

ignoring the dead sky

who´d see that 

when the sun´s paid them a visit?

I wanted darkness still

and the sun went away

leaving the shine

of the light on 

it hurts my eyes

it burns my skin

I keep looking at the gray sky

the lights don´t go off 

I welcome darkness

it´s engulfing it all inside out

her light is as strong as ever

Turn off the light, Sun.

Let me go

as the day dies away

Grain of Sand

Damn me!
I shouldn´t love you.
I laugh with irony,
there it is,
I´m already damned:
I love you.

Nevers and forevers don´t exist.
I wish I had been wrong on that.
But I believed your nevers and forevers
and here I am
crying over the castle I built on them.

I knew the whole time,
I knew it´d end this way,
but I wanted to believe
for once, for you
I hope you are laughing now
I have to smile even when that´s the last expression
that´d show what´s going on
what you failed to see
what you failed to feel

I´ll hate you
that´s how it´ll end
I know, I won´t doubt again
I´ll hate you so much,
with the same amount of my current love
and then, when you don´t mean a thing for me
I´ll stop
and you´ll be nothing, no one for me
just a shallow mist, a sudden rain, a dream that I forgot.

You´ll never know
you never see
and if you see, you don´t realize
you don´t care
your words must be empty
I must be nothing, no one for you
it hurts now
it´ll make my hate greater later
and then, it´ll mean nothing
it'll be a nightmare from which I woke up

But I love you now,
I care now, even if you don´t.
The castle was so beautiful.
I weep knowing that I´ll hate you
I lament the time when you won´t have a meaning
...a grain of sand in the beach...
You´re oblivious
Don´t worry, I learn that one too.

Absent

You'´re absent

but you´re here.

Silent but so loud

Sweet but very mean.

I can't feel you

yet my senses remember you

the memory of you assaults me

I think you´re gone

you´re there, you're here, you're everywhere.

No one's been able to erase you

you are the pattern that measures every single one after you

how the world has changed!

so unnoticed its new shape is.

When did you invade the very esensence of me?

How did you build houses and dungeons in my heart?

Why you, subtle knife, found shelter in my mind?

Porcelain

I was on the ground.
I had fallen.
With great difficulty I climbed back with bare hands.
I got to a ledge.
There, you came and see me,
gently, you pushed me back, step by step
until I fell all over again to the bottom from where I had just got up.

Such a delicious way to fall:
all colors and feather.
My mind hasn´t registered the hard bottom just yet,
only the falling.