Showing posts with label inspiration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inspiration. Show all posts

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Lemonade

There are times in which life pulls the carpet from under your feet right when you were running faster, feeling yourself closer to the goal, yet life makes you fall and you break your legs, your teeth and scratch your hands and knees.... Maybe it even pulled the carpet so hard that it threw you so far from your way in a path you don't know, into what feels to be the valley of shadows and you are lost and alone and broken... Your will is broken, your confident is broken....

That is where I am... Trying to get up and back on my broken feet... On my broken confidence; scared of what might happen... Scared of more pain but it feels like just as I might end up with more pain and darkness I might get better, make lemonade, even.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

one day

The day will come when we won't have to cry,
When the only pain will be in our bellies after laughing too much
The day will come when we see only sunrise, and the sun won't hurt our eyes and it will not burn our skin
The day will come when our dreams won't be anymore, they'll be our life;
Nightmares will be over, the memory of a life that's so deep in the past that it might just be a legend
The day will come when our hearts will be light as a feather and songs will burst out of our chest
I have seen that day, it's in my mind, it is not a story, it is not a dream, it is a fact. The clock's ticking, taking us closer to the moment we long for
It is right ahead in our path, waiting for us to arrive, at the right time, when we are supposed to, right when all the planets align and the stars shine and the sun forgets whether it's rising up or sinking in
The time will come
Oct 2014
**** The funny thing is that I get these moments in which I glimpse these things and then... pain comes and life happens... And it's just a dream but I guess that when I wrote it, the few minutes it took me to do it, when it poured out of my mind, I believed it, I saw it

Sunday, October 26, 2014

sweet child.

Tomorrow you start a new phase in your life.
It feels like a little goodbye.
Your little hands couldn't be trusted upon me. That is sad.
But I know you'll be better that way.
You'll learn all sorts of things.
Maybe tomorrow you can tell me about them with your candid words;
I'll be so proud of you
Even if you are not mine
'Cause I love you so much
Tomorrow, at this time, you'll enter a new world
But you already had a glimpse of it
And you took it in stride
All confidence and curiosity,
You remind me so much of another sweet child I love.
Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be worried about you
And I'll be wondering if you feel lonely,
If you are crying, if you're scared
If you are hungry for a familiar face
I'll be wanting so bad to go to you and rescue you from my imaginary worries
Tomorrow, at the end of the day
I'll want to know all about your conquest and your success
And all about your tears and your fears
I'll long to hug you and tell you I'm so proud of you
That you're a brave, sweet child
That no matter how many others have done it already,this time is unique and especial,
Because it is you
So many quests await you,
So many journeys to take,
So many paths that'll lead you away and closer
So many wonders to discover
I wish I could be there to see you fly, to pick you up if you ever fall
From where I stay I'm worrying at the same time that I cheer for you,
I'm scared because the world is a scary place at the same time I know you'll be just fine because you're strong
Have an amazing day tomorrow, sweet child.

Oct 26 2014

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Meeting in Nuttyland

A/N: So this is some kind of fan-fiction from two stories, I have Josh and Nichole from my story, DL and Michaela and Dominic from my friend´s story LTMT. My two guests though didnt talk much so you could say they only have an appearance there... wich is gggrrrrrrrr >_< but hey, this is just having fun haha 
I have a song for this one hahaha it´s as crazy as this post --What are you waiting for? 

Get in the rabbit hole with me ;)
***

“Hey, Josh, come out here” I call Josh to the big white hallway that makes up my mind. I hardly ever get in there since it stretches long and wide, opening and closing doors that every time I see have doubled their number. I opened the door for him. I am not a corporeal presence there, I just am there. I transport him out of the DL room that more than a room is a galaxy of its own. I place him on the center of the hallway that leads to all of my thoughts. From the back of the infinite hallway there is a light overhead like a stage light and right in the middle of the hallway there is a tall wooden stool. Josh is now sitting there. I can see lights everywhere pointing at him, even camera flashes. He’s in a stage.

“Josh, what's this? Are you becoming more of a singer than a doctor?” I ask him in surprise
“I don’t know –he looks around in an adorable way- this is where you placed me” he tells me and the flashes and stage disappear. He stays there, sitting on the stool.

“Josh! I can see you!” I say as I observe his silhouette cut in the light, he´s now his seventeen year old self. I can see his shoulders and the shape of his body. He only smiles; I can see his perfect white teeth.
“Are you going to tell me about your childhood, that memory of you and your grandpa?” I ask carefully, he´s his younger self but there is the consciousness of the future somewhere in him, he could go there anytime if I´m not careful, he´s in a way, more in control in his older self, the younger Josh is much more private but the older Josh knows very well how to say no. He shifts on the stool and looks to a side where the DL door is, I know who he is looking for so I call her.

“Nichole, come join us” I say. She doesn’t respond but I can see her face with her bored expression. “Nic, come out to the hallway” I call her again. I know for sure that Josh is more than willing to talk when she´s around
“I´m fine where I am” her monotone replied. I pull her mentally closer to the door, she makes me stop “I´m not getting out of here” she threatens just to be difficult, I know, but I made her and this is my universe.
“I´ll make the wall recede so that you´re out of the door without moving” as I say it the shiny white wall on my left starts to move back, making the hallway wider. She rolls her eyes, I´ve made my point and she´s already very close to the door so she walks out and as she does I ask Josh “What do you see in her?” I speak to his mind so that she doesn’t listen. Tonight she's wearing a loose shirt, jeans, boots, and black gloves. My boy’s watching her walk, she looks way prettier from his eyes, she even walks in slow motion and although she´s only taken a few steps out of the door it seems a long walk from his eyes.
“Ah, Josh! Come on!” I complain in his mind and Whop! Like the sound of an elastic band going back to its original size, his mind and mine are in synch like when I write so we see the same thing: the girl standing there just staring at him. She can’t see me either. I'm just a presence everywhere.

“Here, have a seat” Josh stands up and lightly pushes the stool to the girl who’s just standing there
“Nope, I´m fine here” she refuses
“It’s ok, you can take it, don’t stay standing” he´s thinking it´s not polite to remain sitting while she´s standing
“You stay there” Nichole nods towards the stage light that is directed to the stool, he turns around to see it. Ah! He and I hadn’t notice it was still on but now that we do, the rest is obscured. He chuckles. Of course she doesn’t want the focus on her, he thinks, she´s never wanted it. So he sits and she leans against the wall and slides down until she´s on the floor sitting Indian style.

“There is someone I want you to meet” I say to Josh, he looks in the direction of my voice attentively “I don’t know if I can make it happen though” I say with hesitation, he gives me his “Why?” face, the one where he slightly tilts his head and his eyes shine with curiosity and attentiveness. Nichole fights a smile.

“Well –I don’t mind speaking to him- I have a hard time finding her and she doesn’t even belong to this universe, she doesn’t belong to me so she´s hard…-I start and he´s just looking in my direction-…although, I guess… -I ponder already standing with my non corporeal form in front of the door labelled LTMT- well, there´s a door with info about her, in a way she´s there” I say and go back to being sort of in front of Josh without really being there. Josh looks at me, even though he doesn’t really see me, expectantly, he´s seen her in my mind recently, when his thoughts take over mine, so in his young-self there is a Deja-vu kind of feeling when I talk about her

Silently I try to call her and I see her walking towards where Josh and Nic are, slow but not too slow, a little hunched but fighting to walk with head held high. She stops where I make her stop.
“Josh, Nic, this is Michaela, Mike” I am proud to say. I can see a very faint blush in her cheeks; Josh stands up with that feeling of Deja-vu in his mind
“Hi –he shakes her hand- I´m Josh” he smiles to her feeling that he knows her already but knowing this is not the case
“Hello, nice to meet you” my guest replies shaking his hand. I feel frustrated because I can barely see her
“Have a seat” Josh offers the stool to the new girl and she shakes her head no with a shy smile “It´s ok, you can have it” Josh smiles
“No, I´m ok” this Michaela keeps her polite smile, she´s touching her arm with her other hand but seems about to move to the stool anyways.
“You don’t have to sit there if you don’t want” monotone Nic tells the newcomer, she just looks at her, perhaps wondering what to do, reject the boy´s kindness? Or disregard the deadpan, blank stare of the girl?
“Nichole…?” Josh calls out the girl´s name with confusion
“The light, don’t make her sit under the spotlight” Nichole nods to the stage light and again Josh and I had forgotten about that. He chuckles, he´s always truly amused when he does this.
“Ah! Don’t worry then –he tells Mike- we need another chair” he says most likely to me but I just can’t make one at the moment. Mike looks around to the white hallway with many doors on both sides and their golden inscriptions. She's wearing one of her cute dresses. Should she sit on the floor?

This hallway is tricky. In a matter of seconds that no one noticed the doors have moved. Only a little while ago the DL door on the left and the LTMT door on the right were far apart, now they´re only a few feet away. As I notice this, we all look back to the door as it opens…maybe someone´s coming but no one appears there and my attention just don’t stay in one place…
“Josh, you should sing something with Mike, I´ve been wanting to hear you two” I say excited, since she´s here I might as well take the chance
“I don’t have my guitar” he shrugs a little, he´d have it if he could
“No problem” I say and materialize a brown simple guitar on his lap and a stool next to him for Mike.
In the distance I see a head peeking through the open door, it´s a boy of black hair. I wonder absently if I´m making him do this, he´d probably wouldn’t act this way, he´s all about keeping his cool but he´s done silly things in the past, in private, yes, but… hey, it looks cute and he was not planned to be here but maybe he wants in now that his girlfriend´s going to sing.

I see our newcomer so they all see him too. “Josh, Nic –I say- this is Dominic” I have a smile in my voice.
“Hey” Josh greets, Nichole nods observing the newcomer, she’s never been interested, and she gets bored easily. Dom only nods back to both of them and shows a little smile to his girlfriend. I want to laugh. I see similarities that I hadn’t seen before. Dominic leans against the white wall and bents his knee up, leaving his foot print on my wall.
“It´s nice to finally meet you and get to do this” Josh says now that Mike seems more comfortable and is sitting next to him on the stool. Mysteriously and like things happen in this place, Nichole now has her drawing pad and a pencil, she´s outlining the boy in front of her that´s watching Josh talking to his girlfriend. The girl seems bashful perhaps wondering why he´d want to meet her when she knows nothing about him until now.
“Thank you” Mike responds, she´s not much of a talker, not in Nuttyland and I just can’t get insider her head

Nichole keeps drawing; time goes by so differently in this place, sometimes so fast, sometimes so slow; it might give you a headache. She's currently staring at the pale boy in front of her, lean, leaner than Josh, also with more clothes, visible undershirt, shirt and jacket, three things at once while the other is just wearing a simple blue shirt.
The boy across from her catches her eyes and stares back, but she doesn’t care, it´s only fair. She´s now drawing his neck, having already outlined his face, his neck is partially covered by his untied hair. With her eyes she traces his neck, the slight bump of his Adam’s apple. He keeps staring back and she knows it but it doesn’t make her uncomfortable, she´s a starer herself whenever she finds something interesting to watch. This is the first time she´s seeing him so, a drawing is in order. She´s focusing now in his hands, hands are interesting to her; they say so much of the person.  She notices nails covered with black nail polish.
“A rebel” she thinks as she notices his girlfriend´s now staring at her and he has a raised eyebrow with a tiny smirk, maybe a “like what you see?” his jewelry reminds her of Ash and no! She growls to me in her mind
“No! No one compares to Ash” she tells me, now she´s mad at me and she lets me know it with a scoff. Careful Nic, I say, our guests might interpret that differently.

“She likes to draw –Josh explains to Mike- kind of like taking pictures, like you do”
“Oh” Michaela is curious to see what she´s doing; she doesn’t like how Nichole is staring
“You’re drawing us?” Joshua asks Nichole
“Not you” the girl smirks and nods to the boy in front of her. Said boy tilts his head slightly upward still with a raised eyebrow.
“Josh, Mike, you should sing now” I intervene because this is getting kind of boring.
“Ah, ok –Mike agrees, it seems like she´s got a hard time saying no- what do we sing?” she asks and I don’t think she wants to do this but maybe she wants to be a polite guest
“Everything has changed” I say
“Ah, but I don’t know the lyrics” she informs with a light blush. Nichole is still drawing but no longer staring at the boy, she´s started to work on the face of his drawing, shading here and there, correcting a line only on occasions she looks from it to the boy to notice details like the way he sees his girlfriend, there´s a shine that his eyes have, one that she particularly wants to capture. She shades the skin under his eyes
“He doesn’t sleep” Nic thinks and laughs in her mind. Of the four of them only the blush girl doesn’t have dark shadows under her big eyes. She´s not the only one to notice this
“Don’t worry –Josh smiles to Mike- there´s the lyrics –he pointes just ahead of them where a reflection like a hologram has appeared with the lyrics –they´ll go just like karaoke ones” he says making me do it his way but I´m happy to make it happen as he says.

The song starts with the first notes that Josh plays, the light´s now solely on them. This has a short introduction during which the other singer took a deep calming breath. Nichole´s making notes on her drawing pad to remember to finish Dominic´s drawings. She moves to the next page by the time the lyrics start.

Soft voice, the girl´s nervous, very nervous with the stranger’s eyes on her but she can do this, it´s just another public speech kind of situation plus it seems that in Nuttyland her voice´s improved and that smile that she loves is in her boyfriend´s face as if he´s unable to contain himself at the sight of her.
The song gets to the part where both have to sing and Josh smiles to her when her voice picks up, it doesn’t seem to be liked by her boyfriend’s though and he just feels like shaking his head at this but he just sings his part now. “All my walls stood painted blue, I´ll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you” he sings and I think that this is a good song for these four people, there are all sorts of walls in their stories that they sometimes take down, a pair more than the other but still… walls. I laugh at myself.

“all I know is a simple name and everything has changed…” both my boy and my guest are singing now and I think how random it is that these four are here now, with me, yet not exactly all of them are with me. Josh glances to the girl to his right, on the floor whose eyes are now on them, he shows her a smile as his head moves a little to the rhythm of the song.

“Green eyes and freckles and your smile” the song says. Nichole and I agree that it´s like the two singing, they could be siblings with how well they look there –Nichole tells me silently- although the girl is sort of fidgeting, touching her hair at times as she looks at her boyfriend through her long lashes almost as if she couldn’t take his gaze but unable and unwilling to look away.
Josh is now easy to draw for Nichole, his tousled short hair, his smile showing some teeth, his jawline, his shoulders, even the type of clothes he wears, simple, clean, and light. He´s so different from the other boy, less thin too, sports kind of guy yet his hands, like the other ne also have some calluses, from something different, she knows but…. She diverts her eyes from Josh, to see Dom across the hall observing her; she meets his gaze, there´s intent there.
“Huh, observing me too, interesting” she thinks and then “Whatever” he can watch but she knows he won’t, his attention´s back on his girl. The song comes to an end.

“Keep singing” Nichole tells them making a motion for them to continue, the boy across the hallway raises his eyebrows. He dislikes her tone, he´s fierce, nice, she thinks.
“You haven’t finished your drawing?” Josh asks her, he knows that´s why she wants them to continue, she thought it looked interesting. He doesn’t understand her much but of all the people he´s the one who understands her better.
“Nope, just starting on Michaela –she informs- is it alright for me to draw you?” Nic asks to the blushing girl as she spares a glance to her protective boyfriend
“You´re pretty –Nic shows a little smile to Mike- I´ll give you the drawings when I finish” she promises
“What do you want to sing?” the girl asks perhaps trying to avoid more attention on her
“A song that you like” Josh offers and she seems to ponder not knowing what to say
“Play one of their songs” Nichole´s monotone suggests
“Yeah –Josh agrees- except I don’t know the old ones” Josh apologizes to Mike, Dom scoffs
“You seem to know a lot about us” he says with a blank expression to Josh
“We hear all about you two here when she´s excited about you” Nichole replies catching Dom´s eyes and motioning her hands to the hallway, to the roof, to me.
“Eh…Something in the way you are –I think I whispered that one to Mike´s ear- do you know that one?”
“Ah, sure… but it´s kind of too high for my voice range” he says apologetically. Dominic is now on the floor, in his usual sitting way, a little somber, maybe he´s not taking it kindly that Josh will be playing one of his songs, one that he actually sung.
“Oh…” is there a little disappointment in that exclamation? Mike hides herself well from me. I don’t know.
“How about that one about the coffee shop?” Josh suggests squinting an eye trying to remember.
“Falling in love in a coffee shop?” Michaela confirms; her eyes went wider. Is she uneasy that they know these things? Maybe she is.
“Yeah, if you don’t mind –Josh smiles- and if you don’t mind, as well” he addresses the other boy who shrugs
“Go on” he says to Josh´s surprise. So Josh starts strumming his guitar with the soft sound of this song. He wonders how they´ll start this, together? Taking turns? But he doesn’t have to wonder because the girl starts on her own and it all goes mellow in the hallway, soft lights, peaceful atmosphere, just music that feels like sunset. Josh sings the second part.

Big green eyes that look away, the profile of a nose, the light makes it just a line, lips, pink tinted lips with a pucker of light on then and cheeks, blushed cheeks framed  by wild curls and waves that fall on delicate shoulders and lean arms. Michaela sits lady like. She´s pretty, Nichole thinks, real pretty, porcelain doll pretty, kind of the picture of innocence and well-dressed too. In the back of her mind, my girl guesses guys must stare at her all the time but with how she seems nervous at her stare she must not like it.
She notices their differences, she´s heard them too, she´s been longer in Nuttyland and her mind´s been with mine longer so listening to me is as easy as it´s listening to her for me. “Why do people say I´m hot?” she asks herself as she draws the legs of the girl in her pretty shoes. She tries to memorize details of shadings making mental notes because the girl´s clearly hating to be stared at. She´s made a simple drawing; the dim lights have helped her to finish faster, in time with the end of the second song. So she stands up.
“Can we see?” Josh asks, Mike moves in to see as well, Josh takes the drawing pad with a smile and shows it to the girl next to him.
“You look pretty” he compliments the blushing girl, her boyfriend has stood up by now.
“Thank you” Mike replies bashfully as Nichole takes the drawing pad and cuts the pages
“They´re roughly done but you can keep ‘em… -she offers them to Michaela- if you want”
“Yes, thank you, I like them” she says as she takes the pages and observes the one of her boyfriends, only his face and neck are finished, his hands started.

“See you around, kids” Nichole bows a little as she starts to walk back to her door, going away.
“Are you leaving?” Josh asks placing the guitar on the floor, she only nods as she opens the door and gets in

“I´m sorry, she´s….” Josh starts
“Jealous” Dominic says. Josh stares at him with furrowed eyebrows. Michaela stifles a giggle.
“You got it wrong” Josh thinks as he´s about to differ
“Guys, I really need to go to sleep…” I say, knowing it´s gotten late
“Oh!” say both Josh and Mike
“Well, it was nice to meet you, Mike. I had fun singing with you, maybe we could hang out sometime again” Josh stretches his hand to Mike with a smile
“Ah, sure, you too” she smiles maybe a little relieved… she´s not willing to talk much in Nuttyland. There is no commitment about another hangout either, which makes me sad.
“Dominic, nice to meet you too” my boy addresses the other boy
“Yeah” he simply says
“Bye” Mike waves as they turned to leave; their door is again far away so they´ll have to walk for a bit.

Josh gets in his door, it´s all green there, trees everywhere. “I think –he tells me- that Nichole is actually the kid among us, her birthday is the last one”
“Legally I´m the older” she retorts giving her location, placing Josh just next to her
“What are you doing?” Josh sits next to her
“Squirrels” she points up a tree where a couple of squirrels walk on the branches
“I thought you´d be doing your copy of the drawings….”
“I haven’t drawn squirrels in a while” she shrugs Josh smiles and takes his guitar to start playing. I close that door as I observe the two guests slowly walking through the long, white, wide hallway

“This place is strange” Mike comments as she touches the walks with the tip of her fingers as they walk, her boyfriend nods his agreement as he brushes his hand against hers, she looks around
“No one´s around” Dominic assures her and she relaxes. They walk hand in hand to their door until I can’t see them anymore and the lights start to dim…I know I´m falling asleep.


****
More A/N: The cool part about this meeting is that now I get to hang both Mike and Dom´s pictures on that hallway ha! they look really really hot btw lol lol 
Too much Nic, Saku? yeah, u r probably saying, yeah, she´s always there, let´s strangle her or something hahaha but she´s so much easier hahaha 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Infinity




A few days ago I found a piece of plasterboard in the garage and I thought it´d be good to paint something on it. Yesterday and today I´ve felt I needed paint to feel better. My mother enjoys watching design/DIY shows and there is one where this artist sort of teaches techniques to paint, I never see them unless it sounds interesting...I saw one yesterday, and said I´d try it but I ended up doing my own thing haha didn’t follow the technique they showed instead I decided to go by feeling which is what I always do when it comes to artsy stuff and that painting happened. I don’t know if it´s good, I never know if what I create is good.

It makes me happy when my family like the artsy things that I do, specially when it comes to drawing and painting and I always know when they like them for real (they always say it´s good but I know sometimes they don’t think so) I know that they actually like my drawings/paintings when they hang them on the wall or place them on the tables in the living room/dining room... Still with this, sometimes I don’t know if it´s good, they´re my family after all, they are supposed to support me haha. It also makes me happy to share my whimsy creations with my friend Saku (I was just thinking this morning that though we´re so very far geographically I feel like she´s one of the closest friends I have) I like her little comments and I kinda think that she´s just like my family, a little -a lot- biased towards my stuff just because they know me.

This friend I´m talking about has this amazing story. In it there is this boy, an awesome boy, he´s like my Mr.Darcy of the non-published stories hahaha sometimes I think that if I could meet only one of them I´d die of frustration because I wouldn’t know which one to choose haha In the story, this boy, Dominic is like the embodiment of confidence and deep thinking, the first he shows, no, it oozes from him, it´s impossible not to notice it; the latter though, he seem to keep to himself most of the times, he seems to share it with his girlfriend, the sweetheart Michaela, I think what he shares more is his confidence and since it oozes from him haha she´s kinda absorbing it for herself which is great since she really needs it. I think all of this has to do with that picture above these paragraphs since, both my dear friend and the hottie have given me one of those things I consider a gift. Words.

Saku, my friend, said this character is interested in abstract art...this is what he said about mine:

"What do you see?" I asked Dominic as we stood in front of the painting.
"It... It looks like stars. Not shooting stars but like the wind is pushing them. Does that make sense?" He narrowed his gaze and glanced my way.
"I can see that, I think." I caressed my chin with my fingertips. "Tell me more." I grinned at him.
"It's strange because the wind is pushing the stars towards space but the wind itself is spinning towards a different infinity."
"Infinity?" My eyes widened. "I want to know about that infinity." I stroked his arm. He chuckled and took a wide step away from the artwork and me.

He truly is the embodiment of confidence, it´s reached even me, now with that.

This is what my friend said about abstract art, I like it; she has a better opinion of it than me (haha)
"It could be seen as easy but it's mysterious and that's what makes people flock to it I think, that they could be right and anyone can guess anything."


There is nothing like hugs made words. Thank you Saku, thank you Dom and thank you Mike too ;)

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Double Life: Epilogue II, Closure.

Josh was staring at nowhere in particular, his lips moving silently, mouthing the information he needed to memorize for his pathology final in a week. The thick book rested on his bent knee.

At one moment he was staring at nowhere and in the next he was staring back at brown eyes. He was on the ground, in a clearing on a small forest in the outskirts of the city, the sun was light, he’d driven there like he’d been doing the weekend before his finals when he had a particular hard test to take. He’d done it since the first semester when it had been impossible to study in his room with his noisy flat mate; two years later he kept doing it.

Never in those years he´d expected to see those deep brown eyes, so much like their owner in there. Nichole obviously, by her first expression hadn’t expected to see him there either. He was sure he’d noticed her first; she hadn’t changed her way and she´d taken a step or two before abruptly stopping once she entered the clearing. As abruptly as she stopped she turned her head sideways, her gaze to him, he stared with wide eyes that he then made go back to normal as her jaw clenched, her hands became a fist.

“Are you leaving school again? Moving out of the country?” he spoke once his surprise changed into a strange feeling of annoyance. She held his gaze as she scoffed.
“You´re not that important”
“It happened before” he shrugged, she raised an eyebrow

“Are you lost?” she asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence, he knitted his brow
“Would I be reading a book if that was the case? -He looked up to her with a blank expression, she blinked her surprise away before composing her expression, he sighed- This is my studying spot. I´ve come here for the last two years”
“Oh” she mouthed, clearly surprised again
“No stream or river” he shook his head; she seemed somewhat taken aback, nothing much, only a slight twitch of her eyebrow. Josh was sure no one else would´ve noticed what it was especially after the surprised faced she´d shown earlier, he was sure she wouldn’t like to show any more expressions
“too bad, huh?” he said, she shrugged and started to walk forward in the middle of the small clearing, going away from him.

“I´m sorry –he stood up deciding to say what he´d been wanting to say- I don’t know if you heard the other night –she kept walking as if he wasn’t speaking- but if it makes it better to you, you can do it… -he sighed, he knew she was ignoring him but he knew she could hear him now so he continued- you can finish your father´s revenge –she stopped at that, turned over, she looked at him, she was closer to the other end of the clearing- just not my family –he sighed again- please” he finished and didn’t move, just waited.

 She stood immobile, but her countenance changed to something fierce, like a feline hunting. She started to walk toward him, piercing gaze pining him in place, lips in a thing line, narrowed eyes.
“What did you just say?” she was only a few steps away from him
“I´m sorry, I said I´m sorry –he repeated what he´d told her in his mind many times over, what he´d been wanting her to listen for such a long time- I apologize on behalf of my family, of my grandfather and myself”
“You want me to forgive Alexander?” she said through greeted teeth, leaning in a little
“No –he breathed- no –he cleared his throat –Alexander hurt you, he was a man I didn’t know, not even I can spare that man but I think I have to apologize on behalf of what my grandfather did to you because of me, because of what I did, I not only put my family through a lot of pain and distress but you too and for that I am sorry”
“Are you apologizing for having drown?” her eyes narrowed even more, and now they looked black, he blinked a couple of times considering her question, it truly sounded that way.
“I guess I am”
“You´re an idiot” she shook her head angrily
“Perhaps –he took a step forward –but I´ll take responsibility in what I´ve wronged” he said, she tilted her head slightly
“And how do you plan to do so?” she barely opened her mouth to speak
“I… -he inhaled deeply- I told you, if it makes it better for you, you can take from me what Alexander took from you for me”

“Life” she uttered after a moment in silence
“Yes” he whispered as he close his eyes and opened them after a second as if the small word had been exhausting to say
“Are you asking me to take your life from you?” she took a step forward, he flinched but didn’t move back, only inhaled deeply a couple of times calming himself, she knew what he was doing, she´d seen him do that whenever it was raining and he was out
“If you wish for that, yes” he responded
“Are you asking me to kill you?” she said through gritted teeth as she moved even closer “do you want to die?”
“I…no, but you…”
“You´re asking me to be the monster again! Ha! –she huffed- the only life I ever saved asks me to take it back!” she furrowed her eyebrows and looked up; in the sunlight her eyes seemed glassy. She turned abruptly and put some distance between them.

“Nichole” he called her in a whisper
“You´re an idiot!” her tone chocked, she was angry
“Your actions made me believe you hated me” he said, she said nothing but didn’t attempt to go either. Silence surrounded them “I did my best to look for you, to apologize. You never answered my texts, you never called back. Even now all you want to do is leave” he accused, she stood still, expression unreadable, studious eyes

“Do you hate me?” he asked after another silence, his green eyes took the shade of the surrounding trees
“Don’t you?”
“Hate you? I´ve been –he closed his eyes for a second- very angry at you but why would I hate you?”
“That day, when I was at your grandfather´s home, I went there to kill him” she spoke slowly as if to make sure he heard. He stared.

“You didn’t do it”
“I could have. I wouldn’t have any regrets on it” she confessed. Josh closed his eyes again, he thought it was like going back to when they didn’t know each other, her coldness could be too much yet this was worst, they did know each other.
“If I –he breathed deeply- aim a gun, any weapon at you, would you stay in place even if you knew you could avoid getting hit?” he stared, remembering how even after his grandpa had said he was going to shoot her, she didn’t attempt to move then, she stayed there as if welcoming that.
“I panicked” she shrugged
“You panicked? You panicked and then you just walked away like nothing?” he raised his voice a little but stopped himself, she hadn´t answer him, he needed her to do it, he shook his head, he wouldn’t let her go on without that this time “Do you hate me?”
“Do I have reasons to do that?” her voice was quiet, he blinked, he´d thought of that a lot in those first months after it all happened
“I guess –he looked down to the ground- but you never acted on it, on that, you saved me from that thief the other day… Mrs. Strasberg said she´d promised you she wouldn’t hurt me” he was looking at her now, he wanted to see her face, her expression, she blinked surprise away quickly
“You've spoken to Natasha?” there was an edge to her voice
“Yes, the day you left me –his voice sounded bitter even to him- and then one more time a while after that” he confirmed, she shook her head, disappointment in her features
“You´re lucky, then” she said back to her nonchalant voice, it made him angry
“Not lucky but thankful to you and confused. You don’t make people promise they won’t hurt someone you hate but you don’t just walk away from someone you don’t hate either”
“Maybe I just wanted to change my ways” she shrugged
“Walking away and pushing people away was your way… -look, -he started, frustration tainting his voice- I don’t know your reasons and it seems you won’t tell me now but I do want to talk to you, we shared a part of our lives... I owe you a lot and I´d like it if you, if the little girl was part of my life, only you, only her, can understand that part of me and only with the other we can share that… if that is not an option then at least I want some kind of closure”

“The little girl doesn’t exist! –she cut him- I refuse to wallow over any part of my past in which I had no control, no more of that” she sounded angry, only by looking at her and the amount of feeling her words carried he understood he´d upset her and it leaked through her attempts at not showing emotions
“It´s not just that, there is that, our past, it can’t be changed, I agree, but –at this point he didn’t want to continue voicing some of the thoughts he´d forced himself to forget- I´ve missed my friend, I only met her for less than a year and haven’t seen her in more than two years, I didn’t know if she hated me or not or if I even wanted to see her again or what had happened between us… even then, even with that, I am still grateful for all she did for me and that part is one that I´ve missed and that makes me want to have her in my life again” he said thinking all the while “I´m so stupid”
“Gratitude” she repeated
“Don’t make it sound like it´s the only reason, you´re pretty good at seeing in darkness but it seems you can also be pretty blind… gratitude is just one of the reasons”
“There are reasons… –she said slowly with her eyes closed-… you are better without this friend”
“No, I’m not” he said firmly
“You are. You don’t need a friend who could kill you at any given time!” she said with a little more feeling
“Come on, Nichole! You´ve had many opportunities for that and you haven’t done it, no, more than that, there have been times in which you just had to step away and let someone else do it. You´re not bad like that” he stuck to his argument, she laughed humorlessly
“Didn’t you read the journal I left you?”
“I did, that very same day”
“Then? You saw the list, I –she stressed the word as she pointed to herself- killed all of them and more, those where just the ones she knew of. I am a cold blooded murderer, didn’t you get that from the list of dead people, and… at least a couple of them were your relatives!” her voice was even but it felt as if she´d shouted that last part. He´d thought of that, of the man that was his supposed uncle, of his grandmother…
“You were used, even the journal said it”
“That doesn’t make me less guilty… I had you sleeping in my room as I went ahead and murdered people… I came back to you as if I had just gone to take a walk, smiling back at you as if I really was who you think I was –her eyes were glassy again, she licked her lips and bit her bottom one- I am a monster, Joshua” she said in an angry voice, a tear came out of her eyes, furiously she wiped her eyes with the back of her gloved hand

“Why do you try so hard to make me think you´re the worst person ever?”
“Because you don’t seem to get it!” she raised her voice and threw her hands up
“Is that why you left? To convince me you were bad?”
“It doesn’t matter”
“It does to me”
“Please, stop this” she inhaled deeply
“I won’t do such a thing, I owe you but you also owe me a few answers… You are back and for some reason you ended up in the same school I chose… but you know, even if I don’t get all the answers…-he looked up to the sky- ah, Nichole, maybe you´re right and I´m an idiot but I want my friend back”
“Why?”
“Maybe it´s because of the same reason that you have to keep helping and saving me” he looked straight into her eyes and for the first time ever she looked away

“Will you be my friend again?” he took a step forward, she looked back at him
“If I say no…”
“I will ask why not”
“If I don’t answer…”
“Then I´ll keep asking”
“I´ll have to leave then”
“You said I wasn’t that important”
“Why are you so stubborn?”
“Because I know what I want”
“You don’t want me back”
“I decide that”
“I get a choice in that too”
“Yes –he smiled, a memory coming back to him- but I know right now I am to you what the rain is to me. –she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion- You told me that all I had to do was to keep many good memories from rainy days to make it better, I´ll do that, I´ll make rain better for you too”
“I do like rain” she protested

“and that gives me the advantage” he smiled and saw a tiny space being opened between her lips as if she hadn’t found any more arguments against him or as if she´d lost the will to look for them, just like that but he knew it wasn’t that simple, her words about him being the only life she´d saved had been the ones that had really broken all her arguments. She didn’t hate him, she just didn´t know how to be loved.

******
A/N: ha! so that was the actal end of Double Life. Wow! it´s been such a journey. 
As Saku was saying yesterday, Josh is pretty much flawless and he did that on his own, I totally didnt plan it to be that way. I did plan her to be a jerk haha but that he turned out to be so mature and with this deep understanding in people´s actions was all him. 
All the way, it made me glad that he was the only one able to break her "mask" it was cool and she hated it haha but if that hadnt happened she wouldnt have had such a wonderful friend, wonderful and forgiving.
I´ve decided that I am going to post the part that Josh decided to tell me, Saku, that´s your influence there ;) his part is shorter than DL though, and he´s not quite willing to tell me that many details but it´s going, the things is that he´s got a mission on that so he can be a one track mind when he wants something.
I dont know how to tittle his part, I was thinking of "In my life" or something but keeping at least one of the words in the first story -waaahh! seems like I´m doing a small serie! it makes me feel excited, I´ve always wanted to do that and so far this one looks solid enough for that haha -at first I was going to name it "New Life" but that only because it was going to be from Nichole´s perspective, again, but then Josh's pov got loud and this is no new life for him so it doesnt suit him. Suggestions?

Now on it being a small serie... mmm well, I havent even post any part of the Josh pov part but I can already see a third one, I was trying to make it one with Josh pov but it doesnt go well with it, so if by the end of his pov I still have those ideas in my head, then I´ll make in which case there will be a new -important- character that I cant decide if to name him David or Leam and Camille might be more in the story if there is a story ah, but she´ll definitely be at least in some way in Josh´s pov.

ah, another thing, I think, my dear friend Saku has influenced my writing in many more ways than what I thought... I´ve been thinking about that this week. It seems that the DL ff that I´ve published are not so ff but more of bit of their future life, I just didnt know that when I wrote them and then I´ve been getting these other glimpses of future scenes and even been writing a line or two about them. Ha! two nights ago, also, I got the full detailed scene of what´s next after the last scene in the ff: Lucky -geez, I guess I wouldnt be able to do explicit stuff -the most explicit I´ve ever done has been Hell Circles- but wow, I kinda like how things happend lol lol LTMT hot scene put my mind in pervy mood lol lol  I hope I get to write that as well, we´ll see

and one more important thing, Happy birthday Saku!! te quiero mucho! I hope you have a great day today! (btw, you´ll get your own post, but I felt like saying this here too :D)

Friday, July 26, 2013

A Prince´s Lessons

The Little Prince


                The Little Prince is one of my favorite characters of all books. First of all, because it was the first book I ever read, so I have special memories about it. Second, I really like the way he is. He is so curious; however, he is a shy little guy. I guess I used to feel somehow related to those characteristics. I like that he is always wanting to know the reason of things, he is always asking questions; I like how he insists so much in order to get what he wants, and above all, I love the way he found out the meaning of friendship. Tame was the word the author used; I found that scene very captivating. I really enjoyed reading The Little Prince as much as I did about almost thirteen years ago when I first read it.

                The Prince got to know all sorts of people, people who forgot about the little meaningful things on life. At first he met a king who was alone; however, he felt the universe belonged to him; then he found a conceited man who never listened to anything but praise; then there was a tippler who drank in order to forget he was a tippler, he lived unwillingly to change his addiction; later, in the next planet, the Little Prince found a business man who was so busy trying to own everything that he never enjoyed anything; in the next stop the Little Prince met a lamp-lighter, a good man, but his planet shrunk from time to time, so there was no room for anybody but himself; finally he met a geographer, a man who had never explored, a man who had never left his desk. All those types of people inhabit Earth as well, each one live like they inhabit their own planet, alone, each one so busy on their own ambitions that they have forgotten about happiness and companionship. Although the Little Prince didn´t understand any of the men he knew, he practically met all type of personas.


                The Little Prince, through his journey, shows the valuable things in life. The Little Prince´s most valuable possession was a rose. On the outside his rose was just like any other rose; however, the time they spent together, the time he wasted on her made that rose completely different to any other rose. Such thing: time wasted on something or someone, memories, words…; that´s what makes someone or something really valuable. “…What is essential is invisible to the eye”; therefore, happiness, worth and value are not in what we see with our eyes but they are in what we feel with our heart. That is, indeed, the most valuable truth in life. 

***
This was a paper I presented for some English class. I found the paper last night in some folders... 
"Your comments are very inspiring!!!" was my teacher´s comment -yet I got a nine lol I had four spelling mistakes haha

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Mad to a sixteen yr old...

I´m going crazy. I´ve been wanting to write something for about two weeks now and then I just don´t. I don´t really want to turn it into another rant, there´s too much of that in here already.... I´d like to make it into something creative, something that actually makes some -even a little sense- but nothing´s happening.

During the day I´m constantly feeling like I want to write and that I really really need to write, and that´s not me exagerating, I have the actual need of writing but then I don´t, granted, it´s quite hard to do it when I have to stay flat on my back and the small movements with my arms hurt but still... no good writing´s happening, my ideas are everywhere and nowhere, I keep chasing them and they just keep running away from me. And then, at night, these little scenes for stories or poems pop up in my head and I like them and I want to use them and they could be good, I know but in the morning... I´m so tired and I just can´t write during the day. I can´t do it and it´s so sad...

The week before last week I was in the restroom -nice place to have epiphanies- lol - I thought as I made my pony-tail again that I wanted to write some sort of idk post talking about writing but at that time I thought that I wanted to say that I wanted to dedicate more time to writing. I read something everyday, that´s what I want to do with writing but then I just can´t and I love it and I can´t .... and this blog was supposed to make me feel good and now I feel so bad for not writing at all and I´ve been wondering if I should take everything down...

Here I am, again, I have so much to say and I just.... it seems I can´t do it, I don´t know what else to say. There´s a multiverse of thoughts in my head yet there is nothing there, nothing but space.....

I had a little meeting with one of my bosses yesterday, it made me mad, there was this paper I had graded and I took away 15% because it was given to me a day after the due date and that 15% was there to reward giving the paper on time...anyway the boss said no, I couldn´t take away that 15% no,no,no, it was too much blah blah blah... I said my reasons for not wanting to put any of that porcentage to that girl but whatever in the end the boss is the boss so I had to put some.... I guess I´m kinda mad with the girl, the irresponsible girl who didn´t give her paper on time, and it´s completely irrational, I´m not mad at her being late, she´s a senior this year, and really,  I care about my students but this girl has been this irresponsible since I met her so I don´t care, and that´s exactly what I thought "I don´t care, she could go into life being irresponsible, I hope she gets fired at her jobs for that" -such a good teacher I am- but then, her family has money and ...wait for it..

wait...

she writes -bam! there!- some teachers say she´s good at it, she´s always saying she´ll show me her work but she´s never done it anyways I was thinking after the "I hope she gets fired at her job when she works" part that she´ll probably never work, she´s wealthy enough to not do that, no, that´s just something us poor people have to do but... mmmm she´s quite interested in writing and she says she can see herself doing that so maybe she´ll become a writer and I bet she´ll even publish because she´s rich and rich ppl know ppl -geez am I being horrible or what? I´m mad at a 16yr old girl, so inmature of me but I´m angrier at myself... I bet if by a miracle I´d get a contact to be published or something I´d probably be one of those authors who have only one book because I can´t even keep up with my own stuff, I don´t write, I just want to write, I DONT write, at all

I´m so bitter right now....and I turned this thing into one of my complaining parties agh -good thing my back hurts like hell now ´cause that´ll make me stop, now!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Dark Art

I´ve been thinking of this post since yesterday! >_<

But this is useless babbling, I strongly advice you to skip it until you see the tittle of this post again

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I wonder...

"And my name's Saul. Saul Aiken. If anyone's really interested in who I am. But people aren't. They don't see me anymore. They see this wheelchair. Which I am slowly getting used to. Doesn't mean I like it, but…what can I do? I can't pretend I'm not this way. And I have to get used to it. Because it's most definitely permanent."

I´m wondering if this person has experienced this or if it´s just everywriter´s gift to have such a huge imagination to be able to get into the mood of things sometimes they haven´t even lived...

Friday, November 30, 2012

Amazing

This is you writing :p
November´s been a great month reading-wise.
Today that is the last day of November, I want to celebrate my favorite current reading, LTMT, getting an extra 50,000+ words!

Yay! I feel happy that my friend got to make the challenge, I know it wasn´t easy, but she made it and she made it beautifully, she´s shown -even more- how creative and talented she is -and also that she sticks to her words like the main characters in the story.

I´m amazed, I´m proud -and I´m smiling.

Saku, thank you for letting me be part of this story -as your reader and your n°1blogger stalker lol
As I´m posting this, less than 100 words are missing, my friend will be completing the challenge and making more words. I knew you could make it! Congrats again! --please make another month writing moth!! hehe

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Yo soy (I Am)



Soy la tinta que colorea tus mejillas
recorro tu piel de terciopelo hasta tus rodillas
donde una sonrisa retorcida las hace ceder a la gravedad
I´m the ink that tints pink your cheeks
I go over your velvet skin down to your knees
where a crooked smile makes them give up to gravity forces
Soy alas de mariposa en tu espalda
me escurro entre tus oídos
donde un susurro ininteligible desata tu voz
y me pintas un sueño de suave resplandor.
I am buterfly wings on your back
I drizzle in your ears
where I whisper my words letting lose your voice
that paints me a mellow dream
Soy la miel que escurre de tu boca
y el crescendo en tu corazón
cuando revoloteo en tu espacio
tragandote con las pupilas
I´m the nectar that drips from your lips
and the crescendo in your heart
when I travel your space
and swallow you with my irises 
He dormido luego de noches en vela
mis parpados se cierran para dejarme verte
soy el sueño que te arruya
y la utopía de la que ries
cuando caminas con la frente en alto
y miras de reojo a la fantasía
I´ve slept after many sleepless nights
my eyelids close to let me see you
I´m the lullaby that leads you to sleep
and the utopy that makes you laugh
when you walk with your head held high
while looking at fantasy with the corner of your eye
soy las notas de tu canción
que me cantas con tus manos mientras aspiro tu alma
y robo tu sangre que con tanta gracia construyes
Soy ese brillo en tus ojos cuando tu imaginación vuela
y te invito a explorar, te tomo de la mano y mis dedos te hablan
los oyes y vibras belleza.
I´m the keys of your song
that your hands sing me as I breath your soul
and steal the blood that your body delicately makes
I´m the gleam in your eyes when your imagination runs wild
and I prompt you to explore taking you by the hand
My fingers talk to you, you hear then
and shiver beauty.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Born this way

ppfffft stealing that singer´s song tittle hahaha well in my defense, I do like that one particular song and yeah, like many, I´ve sang it at the top of my lungs lol -I might´ve broken a few windows with that though lol-
--********Rant warning*** skip to the last paragraph, that might be interesting, maybe, but better, skip it all, this one´s meaningless****

I had planned to write this one last night but my internet was like crazy and it just didn´t work. I had plan to make a post of a new story as well but no however I think it´s better this way, it´ll sound less negative -as if- ha. My eyes are so puffy and red! I look horrible. I went to bed last night around seven pm and I was in so much pain, every part of my body hurt, my head was killing me and since it was a friday night I let myself cry to sleep with the help of two very strong pain-killers/sleep pill and even with those it took a good two hours to make me fall asleep. I kept waking up during the night, it hurt too much I guess. It was weird ´cause I wanted someone with me but at the same time I wanted to be all alone, I could´ve used a hug though but I think I would´ve refused to it and with that in mind I had closed myself in my bedroom. I started to pray and it was all worst, not only my body hurt but my mind/soul as well. I wished I could run away somehow but I knew -n know- I can´t.

Now to what happened... I went to the hospital yesterday, something dreadful to me, and though there´s still no answer for the biopsy they took last time, I did get a diagnosis this time and the veredict: well, said the doctor, this is a genetic thing -he didn´t use that word ofc- and there´s not a known reason for it, you´ll be getting pain like this but don´t worry it won´t compromise your life --at that I just wanted to shout "and that´s supposed to be the comfort you´re giving me?? that I won´t frigging die even I feel like wanting to die just for the pain??" but of course I didn´t shout, I didn´t really say a thing... until a few minutes later "is there anything I can do for the pain?" he basically said that I could keep taking pain-killers but at the same time he said that in the end I had to be very careful because that could cause damage to my kidneys... and of course, he kept making emphasis to the part were "my life is not compromised" as if that was such a nice thing when he just said I´ll have to live with pain up to the point where I die from natural causes -of course now I¨m just taking it out on him but it´s not his fault, he was just the messenger --this is in me, in my genes -sigh- I think now, that it´s always been a very nice thing that I´ve never felt the wifey type or the mom-type ´cause I´ve never felt the need -so far- to have kids and that´s an awesome thing I´d hate myself if I had to pass this onto innocent babies of course in a way and Im being me by thinking stupid things when not necessary but still, it makes me think that this might also mean that I´ll be alone -which cant be that bad but still at times everybody wants some company right? but who cares about that now?

Now the thing is that I know why I've spent in pain many months of my life at a time, pains that come as they go, out of nowhere. My family -in their way- were trying to make me feel better but I was angry at everything, at life mostly -and precisely because of the "consolation" of not compromising my life"- so I might have treated them badly at some point, mom specially... she said she was going to call this friend of mine to arrange me going out today or even yesterday night I said no, it´s ok, and she insisted and well... I ended up yelling "I don´t want to see him!!" of course I wanted to see no one and still I dont think I´d want to see no one or more accurate, to be seen.

In a week or so, I have to go back to the hospital again... to the neurologist, he'll make some more tests -mostly to document, this other doc said- but maybe he can help a bit... but yeah... they already know that this thing is cause by genes and no body knows which one or ones and there´s nothing to be done but to handle the pain as best as possible --meaning, sucking it up which to be honest, has been what I´ve done the other times, except for those, now, three times in which it´s been so much that it´s made me lose mobility.

Now, I´ll reveal a secret hahaha nah, not really but in a way, my story, Double Life, it started because of this. A few years ago, instead of my legs it was one of my hands that was in pain that I couldn´t move or touch a single thing. I was always wearing a bandage, not because it helped matters but because that way ppl didn´t hurt me by touching me. So, one lonely day in college behing a building in which I spent pretty much most of my college years there is like a garden. I was seated on one of the tables, my notebooks all over it. I was tired my hand didn´t feel better and so I started to observe my hand as if that´d help and then I laughed thinking that it´d be cool that instead of having to use a bandage because I was in pain, I had to use one because I had powers and that´s how Nichole was born hahaha as soon as my hand got better, like a month later, I started to write and the first scene of that first draft was that afternoon in that table alone with notebooks everywhere at the school. Aaron was the first to appear though and by that time his name wasn´t Aaron... her attitude was the total opposite as well, what DL is today though is nothing similar to what it was when I started -it´s been years since the day I first thought of it. I´d like to think, as I´ve always have, that somehow I´ll manage to turn all the negativity in my life, all that energy to make something worth it -and I guess this is what no body sees, for it is the only bit of me that´s actually positive but no one sees it- so yeah,that´s my attempt because "my life´s not copromised" at all -too bad but as my brother told me the other day --mom told him what I had said (and that was that I was not going to keep living like this if I was not good by this Sunday-yes tomorrow) he told me that even if I tried to cross over to the other side by my means, if it was not my time no matter what I was not going to make it and I might end up making my life worst and that´s something I´d hate... so, I guess I´ll just have to exercise my patience.