Double Life: Epilogue II, Closure.

Josh was staring at nowhere in particular, his lips moving silently, mouthing the information he needed to memorize for his pathology final in a week. The thick book rested on his bent knee.

At one moment he was staring at nowhere and in the next he was staring back at brown eyes. He was on the ground, in a clearing on a small forest in the outskirts of the city, the sun was light, he’d driven there like he’d been doing the weekend before his finals when he had a particular hard test to take. He’d done it since the first semester when it had been impossible to study in his room with his noisy flat mate; two years later he kept doing it.

Never in those years he´d expected to see those deep brown eyes, so much like their owner in there. Nichole obviously, by her first expression hadn’t expected to see him there either. He was sure he’d noticed her first; she hadn’t changed her way and she´d taken a step or two before abruptly stopping once she entered the clearing. As abruptly as she stopped she turned her head sideways, her gaze to him, he stared with wide eyes that he then made go back to normal as her jaw clenched, her hands became a fist.

“Are you leaving school again? Moving out of the country?” he spoke once his surprise changed into a strange feeling of annoyance. She held his gaze as she scoffed.

“You´re not that important”

“It happened before” he shrugged, she raised an eyebrow

“Are you lost?” she asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence, he knitted his brow

“Would I be reading a book if that was the case? -He looked up to her with a blank expression, she blinked her surprise away before composing her expression, he sighed- This is my studying spot. I´ve come here for the last two years”

“Oh” she mouthed, clearly surprised again

“No stream or river” he shook his head; she seemed somewhat taken aback, nothing much, only a slight twitch of her eyebrow. Josh was sure no one else would´ve noticed what it was especially after the surprised faced she´d shown earlier, he was sure she wouldn’t like to show any more expressions

“too bad, huh?” he said, she shrugged and started to walk forward in the middle of the small clearing, going away from him.

“I´m sorry –he stood up deciding to say what he´d been wanting to say- I don’t know if you heard the other night –she kept walking as if he wasn’t speaking- but if it makes it better to you, you can do it… -he sighed, he knew she was ignoring him but he knew she could hear him now so he continued- you can finish your father´s revenge –she stopped at that, turned over, she looked at him, she was closer to the other end of the clearing- just not my family –he sighed again- please” he finished and didn’t move, just waited.

 She stood immobile, but her countenance changed to something fierce, like a feline hunting. She started to walk toward him, piercing gaze pining him in place, lips in a thing line, narrowed eyes.

“What did you just say?” she was only a few steps away from him

“I´m sorry, I said I´m sorry –he repeated what he´d told her in his mind many times over, what he´d been wanting her to listen for such a long time- I apologize on behalf of my family, of my grandfather and myself”

“You want me to forgive Alexander?” she said through greeted teeth, leaning in a little

“No –he breathed- no –he cleared his throat –Alexander hurt you, he was a man I didn’t know, not even I can spare that man but I think I have to apologize on behalf of what my grandfather did to you because of me, because of what I did, I not only put my family through a lot of pain and distress but you too and for that I am sorry”

“Are you apologizing for having drown?” her eyes narrowed even more, and now they looked black, he blinked a couple of times considering her question, it truly sounded that way.

“I guess I am”

“You´re an idiot” she shook her head angrily

“Perhaps –he took a step forward –but I´ll take responsibility in what I´ve wronged” he said, she tilted her head slightly

“And how do you plan to do so?” she barely opened her mouth to speak

“I… -he inhaled deeply- I told you, if it makes it better for you, you can take from me what Alexander took from you for me”

“Life” she uttered after a moment in silence

“Yes” he whispered as he close his eyes and opened them after a second as if the small word had been exhausting to say

“Are you asking me to take your life from you?” she took a step forward, he flinched but didn’t move back, only inhaled deeply a couple of times calming himself, she knew what he was doing, she´d seen him do that whenever it was raining and he was out

“If you wish for that, yes” he responded

“Are you asking me to kill you?” she said through gritted teeth as she moved even closer “do you want to die?”

“I…no, but you…”

“You´re asking me to be the monster again! Ha! –she huffed- the only life I ever saved asks me to take it back!” she furrowed her eyebrows and looked up; in the sunlight her eyes seemed glassy. She turned abruptly and put some distance between them.

“Nichole” he called her in a whisper

“You´re an idiot!” her tone chocked, she was angry

“Your actions made me believe you hated me” he said, she said nothing but didn’t attempt to go either. Silence surrounded them “I did my best to look for you, to apologize. You never answered my texts, you never called back. Even now all you want to do is leave” he accused, she stood still, expression unreadable, studious eyes

“Do you hate me?” he asked after another silence, his green eyes took the shade of the surrounding trees

“Don’t you?”

“Hate you? I´ve been –he closed his eyes for a second- very angry at you but why would I hate you?”

“That day, when I was at your grandfather´s home, I went there to kill him” she spoke slowly as if to make sure he heard. He stared.

“You didn’t do it”

“I could have. I wouldn’t have any regrets on it” she confessed. Josh closed his eyes again, he thought it was like going back to when they didn’t know each other, her coldness could be too much yet this was worst, they did know each other.

“If I –he breathed deeply- aim a gun, any weapon at you, would you stay in place even if you knew you could avoid getting hit?” he stared, remembering how even after his grandpa had said he was going to shoot her, she didn’t attempt to move then, she stayed there as if welcoming that.

“I panicked” she shrugged

“You panicked? You panicked and then you just walked away like nothing?” he raised his voice a little but stopped himself, she hadn´t answer him, he needed her to do it, he shook his head, he wouldn’t let her go on without that this time “Do you hate me?”

“Do I have reasons to do that?” her voice was quiet, he blinked, he´d thought of that a lot in those first months after it all happened

“I guess –he looked down to the ground- but you never acted on it, on that, you saved me from that thief the other day… Mrs. Strasberg said she´d promised you she wouldn’t hurt me” he was looking at her now, he wanted to see her face, her expression, she blinked surprise away quickly

“You've spoken to Natasha?” there was an edge to her voice

“Yes, the day you left me –his voice sounded bitter even to him- and then one more time a while after that” he confirmed, she shook her head, disappointment in her features

“You´re lucky, then” she said back to her nonchalant voice, it made him angry

“Not lucky but thankful to you and confused. You don’t make people promise they won’t hurt someone you hate but you don’t just walk away from someone you don’t hate either”

“Maybe I just wanted to change my ways” she shrugged

“Walking away and pushing people away was your way… -look, -he started, frustration tainting his voice- I don’t know your reasons and it seems you won’t tell me now but I do want to talk to you, we shared a part of our lives... I owe you a lot and I´d like it if you, if the little girl was part of my life, only you, only her, can understand that part of me and only with the other we can share that… if that is not an option then at least I want some kind of closure”

“The little girl doesn’t exist! –she cut him- I refuse to wallow over any part of my past in which I had no control, no more of that” she sounded angry, only by looking at her and the amount of feeling her words carried he understood he´d upset her and it leaked through her attempts at not showing emotions

“It´s not just that, there is that, our past, it can’t be changed, I agree, but –at this point he didn’t want to continue voicing some of the thoughts he´d forced himself to forget- I´ve missed my friend, I only met her for less than a year and haven’t seen her in more than two years, I didn’t know if she hated me or not or if I even wanted to see her again or what had happened between us… even then, even with that, I am still grateful for all she did for me and that part is one that I´ve missed and that makes me want to have her in my life again” he said thinking all the while “I´m so stupid”

“Gratitude” she repeated

“Don’t make it sound like it´s the only reason, you´re pretty good at seeing in darkness but it seems you can also be pretty blind… gratitude is just one of the reasons”

“There are reasons… –she said slowly with her eyes closed-… you are better without this friend”

“No, I’m not” he said firmly

“You are. You don’t need a friend who could kill you at any given time!” she said with a little more feeling

“Come on, Nichole! You´ve had many opportunities for that and you haven’t done it, no, more than that, there have been times in which you just had to step away and let someone else do it. You´re not bad like that” he stuck to his argument, she laughed humorlessly

“Didn’t you read the journal I left you?”

“I did, that very same day”

“Then? You saw the list, I –she stressed the word as she pointed to herself- killed all of them and more, those where just the ones she knew of. I am a cold blooded murderer, didn’t you get that from the list of dead people, and… at least a couple of them were your relatives!” her voice was even but it felt as if she´d shouted that last part. He´d thought of that, of the man that was his supposed uncle, of his grandmother…

“You were used, even the journal said it”

“That doesn’t make me less guilty… I had you sleeping in my room as I went ahead and murdered people… I came back to you as if I had just gone to take a walk, smiling back at you as if I really was who you think I was –her eyes were glassy again, she licked her lips and bit her bottom one- I am a monster, Joshua” she said in an angry voice, a tear came out of her eyes, furiously she wiped her eyes with the back of her gloved hand

“Why do you try so hard to make me think you´re the worst person ever?”

“Because you don’t seem to get it!” she raised her voice and threw her hands up

“Is that why you left? To convince me you were bad?”

“It doesn’t matter”

“It does to me”

“Please, stop this” she inhaled deeply

“I won’t do such a thing, I owe you but you also owe me a few answers… You are back and for some reason you ended up in the same school I chose… but you know, even if I don’t get all the answers…-he looked up to the sky- ah, Nichole, maybe you´re right and I´m an idiot but I want my friend back”

“Why?”

“Maybe it´s because of the same reason that you have to keep helping and saving me” he looked straight into her eyes and for the first time ever she looked away

“Will you be my friend again?” he took a step forward, she looked back at him

“If I say no…”

“I will ask why not”

“If I don’t answer…”

“Then I´ll keep asking”

“I´ll have to leave then”

“You said I wasn’t that important”

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“Because I know what I want”

“You don’t want me back”

“I decide that”

“I get a choice in that too”

“Yes –he smiled, a memory coming back to him- but I know right now I am to you what the rain is to me. –she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion- You told me that all I had to do was to keep many good memories from rainy days to make it better, I´ll do that, I´ll make rain better for you too”

“I do like rain” she protested

“and that gives me the advantage” he smiled and saw a tiny space being opened between her lips as if she hadn’t found any more arguments against him or as if she´d lost the will to look for them, just like that but he knew it wasn’t that simple, her words about him being the only life she´d saved had been the ones that had really broken all her arguments. She didn’t hate him, she just didn´t know how to be loved.

******

A/N: ha! so that was the actal end of Double Life. Wow! it´s been such a journey. 

As Saku was saying yesterday, Josh is pretty much flawless and he did that on his own, I totally didnt plan it to be that way. I did plan her to be a jerk haha but that he turned out to be so mature and with this deep understanding in people´s actions was all him. 

All the way, it made me glad that he was the only one able to break her "mask" it was cool and she hated it haha but if that hadnt happened she wouldnt have had such a wonderful friend, wonderful and forgiving.

I´ve decided that I am going to post the part that Josh decided to tell me, Saku, that´s your influence there ;) his part is shorter than DL though, and he´s not quite willing to tell me that many details but it´s going, the things is that he´s got a mission on that so he can be a one track mind when he wants something.

I dont know how to tittle his part, I was thinking of "In my life" or something but keeping at least one of the words in the first story -waaahh! seems like I´m doing a small serie! it makes me feel excited, I´ve always wanted to do that and so far this one looks solid enough for that haha -at first I was going to name it "New Life" but that only because it was going to be from Nichole´s perspective, again, but then Josh's pov got loud and this is no new life for him so it doesnt suit him. Suggestions?

Now on it being a small serie... mmm well, I havent even post any part of the Josh pov part but I can already see a third one, I was trying to make it one with Josh pov but it doesnt go well with it, so if by the end of his pov I still have those ideas in my head, then I´ll make in which case there will be a new -important- character that I cant decide if to name him David or Leam and Camille might be more in the story if there is a story ah, but she´ll definitely be at least in some way in Josh´s pov.

ah, another thing, I think, my dear friend Saku has influenced my writing in many more ways than what I thought... I´ve been thinking about that this week. It seems that the DL ff that I´ve published are not so ff but more of bit of their future life, I just didnt know that when I wrote them and then I´ve been getting these other glimpses of future scenes and even been writing a line or two about them. Ha! two nights ago, also, I got the full detailed scene of what´s next after the last scene in the ff: Lucky -geez, I guess I wouldnt be able to do explicit stuff -the most explicit I´ve ever done has been Hell Circles- but wow, I kinda like how things happend lol lol LTMT hot scene put my mind in pervy mood lol lol  I hope I get to write that as well, we´ll see

and one more important thing, Happy birthday Saku!! te quiero mucho! I hope you have a great day today! (btw, you´ll get your own post, but I felt like saying this here too :D)