Soup for lunch.

The soup´s almost done
I´ll do my best to be quick.
Tell others so that the knowledge you told people forces you to actually do things,
some advice said, I´m telling the internet, what a loner,
that I´m going to try to go over one of my completed stories,
to make it better, to fix and edit, easy little things, to me like climbing a mountain.
I dont exactly want to do it but I think I´m losing some parts if I just go on writing the second part of it without remembering all details,
over 500 pages would do that, right? or maybe I´m just a terrible writer who cant remember her own stories...
but names have never been my forte and fantasy grows big and fast, I´m light years away from Nicky´s first arrogant comment. I need to see it again and though I wrote it, it feels kinda boring, maybe it´s boring, a boring story... oh, well, I just read that it doesnt matter if what you write is crap as long as you write.
And I want to write, I´ve had two days of wonderful writing bliss, words flowing from my mind to my hand to the paper, my handwriting imitating that of the character´s hand... A bit of a frenzy, writing up to one in the morning when I had to tell him to stop, it was time to rest... I knew what would happen, now my hand hurts, and no, I´m not just weak, hurts even to move, even to touch.... maybe that´s why I´ve gone and thought about editing, in another attempt to ignore the pain but hey, maybe ignoring things is just not good, they become like a big pile of stuff that at some point you just cant ignore...

Books can only last for a while, too much writing ends up hurting my hand, I read and read instead until of course my lack of tears makes me stop. How ironic that someone so sad has no tears, said by doctors, lived by me and although I hate them, tears seem to be quite important, fake one, meaning the ones I have to get from the drugstore, are not as effective as the normal ones....

The soup´s done and I´m not complaining for once I dont want to complain, I know that´s all I know how to do but it gets old as well.... ignoring and overlooking though.... mh but really what can you do?

because I´m here now slowly letting go of things, my body´s a frustrating little thing, my mind´s kinda weak too and geez I havent stopped thinking about "the talk" I got on friday. Because saying you dont mind what body someone is in to feel atracted to them automatically puts you in the "in danger" people, those who are easily "lost" and end up bad and lonely and just really, really bad. And it´s concern, I know, but how it seems that it´s the worst thing I could´ve said, not like I exactly chose it, I chose to be ok with it though and I am but hearing constant comments of how wrong it is... trully scares me sometimes, not because I think I´ll get harmed but because I know I dont want to disappoint people, religion, society...
"Do you wanna be a man?" no, of course not. "You´re half man so you get it" no, I´m not. "Lately there are way more... it´s like they´re recruiting..." from one that doesnt know a thing. The truth is that it doesnt really matter, it doesnt really hurts, it only annoys.
"For the things that you say, you must be really disappointed on me" I said to my mother after the talk, it hit me hard then, for a moment. She came and hugged me, said that she loved me, just wanted me to be happy... It was not a good day...

I felt a lot like the poor and the goverment, goverment takes what the poor barely has. Ha! I´m the poor, one who has took away what I barely had and I cant even be angry, because I love the jerk and he had an advocate who said, I´ll make it better, all that I have is yours. It´s not the action but the lack of thought, I dont know.

I dont even know what I´m saying anymore, there´s a knot in my throat... maybe I´m just messily pouring down my thoughts.

I dont want May to come.

This is no longer about writing, come on! I really wanted to stay on track this time, feel detached... I feel like posting today, not this, this is crap but something else. I´ll see if I start reading Nic and Josh´s story, feeling embarrassed about all the mistakes, maybe I´ll just keep listening to that audiobook instead, once my tears run dry, quite fast, I gotta say... Maybe I´ll start that next Josh pov, after all I made my hand all bad for it.. I hope you´re happy now Josh.

My head hurts. Chicken soup for lunch.