Through my eyes: Weekend

A/N: He´s hard to write.... I hope this one´s good. He thinks a lot too haha in a way that I cant put it into words....

Aaaahhh who am I?! consistenly publishing this story -sort of- and reading it over before doing it? that´s not me at all lol but ofc there must b many mistakes in the story to compensate lol

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Finding this pix was so lucky! when I wrote this part it was what I had in mind so it saves a lot of description that I totally couldnt do hahaha Apparently this is Raven cliff falls, idk where that is but....

Marissa liked that concert a lot so I started to take her to music related activities, small live concerts, karaoke and we went to some more of Vic´s band presentation. I often sung a couple of songs but to be honest we didn’t go out much, mostly because of my schedules and all my reading and homework.

I was more than a little surprised that she didn’t seem to mind, that was what always caused friction between me and my dates. We didn’t go out much but we talked often enough, so it was fine, especially since she liked to talk, I liked to listen to her, she liked to listen to me sing, I enjoyed sharing music. It was going pretty good, like her smile, dating Marissa was easy.

“Hey, do you have plans for the weekend?” Marissa asked me, we were having lunch at a café close to campus. We’d agreed to meet there. I had no time to go out that week. We were having sandwiches, my books on the table and her art things on an extra chair next to her.

“No” I shook my head going over the things I had to do for Monday and calculating I’d have enough time to rest the whole weekend. She smiled her contagious smile which made me smile back at her.

“Great! –she chirped- you know, I was talking to Laura, a classmate, she was telling me that there is some lake around here and you can rent boats…” she went on telling me Laura thought it was beautiful and what things you could do there, what now I knew she wanted me to do this weekend, I should´ve asked what was it before telling her I was free. I wanted to sigh.

It’s frustrating that in every relationship I get to the point where I have to go through the choice of either letting the girl know I have an irrational, stupid, coward phobia to water which is a total struggle, what kind of man would have that? Or telling her some excuse, basically telling a lie.

With the first option, explaining the real reason, there comes the tortuous seconds or minutes to know their reply, never good because they don’t understand why I have it, what it is or why I don’t just get over it… and then if they do try to understand like that psychologist major girl I dated up to a little after this point, this type of girl wants to know what happened exactly in which case they’d think I ought to have gotten over it a long time ago or they take out their nurturing instinct and just want to “cure” me of it, that just makes me go through stressing situations that I don’t need, not to mention that now that I know the rest of what happened after my accident, my thoughts also go murky, who was my grandpa and why he’d ruined an innocent girl’s life and it was not like it had been solely for me, he’d done things to her even before that… No wonder the girl didn’t want to see me anymore, everybody said Aaron and I were just like him. Ironically, she’d been the one girl that hadn’t asked much about my phobia, that hadn’t tried to cure me, that hadn’t looked at me like I was crazy. The only girl that didn’t make me feel like it was such a bad thing was the girl that didn’t want to even be around me and I just couldn’t be thinking about her, of what happened to her when I was supposed to be listening to some other girl about how beautiful and romantic it’d be to go to the lake and row in a cute boat…

The safest thing to avoid awkward and stressing situations is something I hate doing: lying. There was a third option, the one I was going to take now to avoid lying but I was not going to tell the whole truth either, I was going to avoid that, I was going to offer an alternative to whatever water activity she’d planned.

“So, what do you think? Wouldn’t it be great if we go?” Marissa smiled excitedly; she thinks I’ll agree to her plan.

“You want to go rowing?” I chuckle, she’s told me before that though she likes walking, a need for her backpacking past, she hates exercise. She squeezed her eyes shut and pouted.

“Actually… -she says drawing her words- you were going to do that –her voice drops into almost a whisper, she wants to convince me- I really want to see you…” she trails off, her eyes go to my arms and shoulders. I chuckle, she’s one that’s not scared of saying she looks and likes my body.

“Ah, so, it’s about me exercising?” I said, she laughed

“It’s romantic and you’ll be exercising in front of me, doesn’t get better than that –she leans in and kisses me –except if you take that guitar of yours, you owe me a private concert” she winked. I pretended to ponder. I knew what alternative I’d offer her since she mentioned water.

“So… -I tilted my head back a little- romantic, private concert and me doing some kind of physical activity?” I said as if asking for confirmation, there is a shade of pink on her cheeks but she smiled unashamed, it’s refreshing at the moment.

“Not necessarily in that order –her voice again almost a whisper but not really- I could participate in some of that physical activity” she smiles her pretty smile. She likes to take the initiative and I don’t mind, her words tell me my plan will be perfect to make her forget the lake.

“How about taking this list to a weekend long trip?” I observed her reaction attentively, a twinkle in her almost black eyes

“I’m listening” she said as if she might refuse but her smile told me she already decided

“The private concert will take place in a cabin a few hours away from here, leaving on Saturday and returning Sunday” I summarize my plan, my offer.

“We’re staying overnight” she narrowed her eyes at me, her long lashes casting shadows on her cheeks

“If you don’t mind” I brushed her hands, she kissed me and I kissed her back, we both knew she’d forgotten the lake.

“Don’t you have a class?” she moved away

“Bored?” I chuckled

“Wanna make time go faster” she smiled and she was right, I had a class and so did she. We both grabbed our things as we agreed the time in which I’d pick her up. We kissed goodbye.

“Wow! This place is amazing!” Marissa told me as we walked towards the front door of the log house. She spun around once taking in the surrounding trees as well as the house. I waited for her at the porch where I had placed our bags as I opened the door.

“Is this yours?” she asked walking inside

“It´s my family´s” I led her to the kitchen where I put the food we had brought. She smiled at me when I said that, one of her nice, easy smiles but surprisingly she didn’t say anything.

We had lunch there, after lunch I showed her around the house, the first floor only, we went outside for a walk after that.

“What way? It´s all trees here” she was standing close to where my car was, in front of the house.

“We’ll follow this trail” I took her hand and walked forward. The trail was formed by flat gray rocks on the dirt; grass grew around and between them.

“This is beautiful –she smiled- I’ll have to thank Nini when I go back home, before her I had never liked being away from the city”

“You don’t like this?” I inquired a bit worried that she wouldn’t enjoy our stay. I ignored the bit about Nichole; I knew well that she enjoyed the woods. I still remembered her half smile when she’d been here… I remembered too well, especially now.

“I learned to appreciate it as we were backpacking but if it’s a frozen woods then that I can’t appreciate” she chuckled, I guess she’d been in a frozen woods

“No ice anywhere near” I assured

“Great! Having walks in such places is not nice”

“You’ve been in frozen woods?”

“Yeah, we actually went camping in one, once, well, that was the idea but I just couldn’t take it and before the night came I made us leave, it was too cold and wet. I was shaking. We were looking for a frozen river but I just couldn’t stay there. I think Nini did go back though and found her river; she made this drawing of it so I think she made it. She’s crazy.” She smiled fondly as she shook her head

“Camping in frozen woods can’t be good” I commented, again dismissing the rest

“It’s the worst but looking for rivers or streams was sort of fun, even now, you know, I’m wondering if there is some river somewhere out here” she looked around and I wanted to sigh, I knew well Nichole loved water bodies, she’d liked the stream in these woods but I was not going to tell Marissa it existed, she’d probably want to go and see it and that’d defeat the purpose of bringing her here, besides, the first time I had seen that stream had been also the last, I was in no mood to go there again.

“There is not any river around this trail” I explained

“We could explore” Marissa said what I was afraid of

“If you don’t mind getting lost” I shrugged, she laughed quietly

“Getting lost? …With you? Mmmm” her sultry lips were slightly pouted as if ready for a kiss, so I kissed her “I don’t think I’d mind that” she said against my lips. I chuckled, going back to walking. That was crazy and more than a little…, Aaron would love this girl.

“You’ll mind when it gets cold and dark” I told her, she blushed a little, embarrassed “but –I continued- that’s why we have this trail and the house” I offered and she smiled

“So, where does this path will take us?” she asked after a while

“You’ll see” I smiled.

She gasped once we arrived to the wooden deck. I knew the view but I also stopped for a moment to take in the scenery. The platform was on the edge of a cliff. Yellow and green trees covered the ground, there were reds and oranges here and there, flowers on the trees, on the background there were mountains that were covered by fog, it gave a purplish tone to the mountains, the sun behind them, lighting the top, fighting the fog.

“This is breathtaking” Marissa smiled taking a couple of pictures of the view and one of me. I extended my hand to take the camera she’d brought, she settled herself against the railing of the deck and smiled, I took a couple of pictures of her with the trees as background.

“This is worthy of a painting” she commented as she sat next to me, I nodded and didn’t say a thing because I had assumed she’d take out a pencil and paper and start drawing. I guessed I was judging her by the other artist I knew, it was unfair. I made myself stop.

“Do many people come here?” she asked after a while, a bit anxious. I realized I had gone silent; maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to bring her here.

“Only I come here” I said, she looked incredulous “My brother came sometimes too but it’s mostly just me”

“Do you mean this is yours? These woods are yours?!”

“Oh –I combed my hair with my fingers; she sometimes teased me because of my lack of financial worries. I wasn’t sure if she only joked about it or if she resented it somewhere in her mind- eh, well, a part of it, I guess…It was my grandmother’s parents’ parents. She gave a part of it to my father and the other to my aunt” I explained.

“Wow, so, many generations have come here, lived here?” she asked, only curiosity, no resentment, I was glad about that

“I don’t think they ever lived here, at least not my grandmother but yeah, they’ve come to the log house”

“But not to this deck”

“No”

“No? why not? This is beautiful” she motioned to the view

“Because of the cliff, there was not a trail or deck before”

“Ah, so the recent generations built it?”

“Yeah”

“But you said only you came…” she said furrowing her eyebrows

“Yes… I found this place, well, I actually, I got lost and ended up here” I chuckled at myself

“You got lost? But the trail…”

“There was no trail back then. My dad had it put there so that I wouldn’t get lost. I’m not known for my good sense of direction” I said, she laughed quietly

“You must be the only man that admits that” the humor lingered in her voice, I shrugged

“Wasn’t born with a compass, would die as a pilot” I repeated what my mom always said about me. Marissa giggled

“I like your honesty –she kissed my cheek- it’s refreshing, men these days are not honest”

“People these days are not…” I corrected her

“Yeah…”she agreed, we stared at the view for a while

“How did you do to go back?” she asked going back to my story

“I called my brother”

“Does he have a compass?” she teased me, I chuckled

“Actually, he developed one –I said- and he knows how to use one but even if he does know that, it wouldn’t have worked, I don’t know how to use one, if this is north or south…”

“How did he found you then?”

“Well, I described the way I had taken, more or less straight from the house, he called me every few minutes to try to listen to my ringtone, at last he did but it took him a while… As you noticed this way is not straight at all” I laughed quietly at my memory and so did she

“Wasn’t he mad?”

“No, he was worried and then he was relieved, once he found me”

“If I had wandered alone like that my brothers would’ve been mad at me and would’ve rat me out to my mom” Marissa pouted as if imagining this happening to her

“I guess under different circumstances he would’ve gotten angry”

“What circumstances?” she tilted her head

“My grandfather had passed away recently, after that I sort of wandered on my own a lot, they were worried” I shrugged

“Aw, I’m sorry –she made a sad face and hugged me- were you two close?”

“Yeah –I sighed- his death affected me a lot” I said, it still did, it still made me upset, so far I just did my best to separate the man I had known to be my grandfather and Alexander, the one that was a mad scientist and killed people if he thought he had to.

“I’m sorry” she tightened her arms around me, I hugged her back, rubbing her back absently

“It’s ok, I found this place” I pointed out, it really didn’t make me think of him, he’d never been here, no one, that I knew of, had been here and that made this place perfect.

“What did you do to find it again?” she asked “I mean you said you…” yeah, my bad sense of direction

“Aaron helped me”

“Weren’t you afraid to fall, I assume this wasn’t here” she motioned to the deck

“I stayed away from the edge but when my parents saw where we kids often came they worried. Mom wanted us to stay away especially since it was the rainy season but I liked it here… The next weekend I came from Burgeoys they had made that trail and this deck, as well as the railing along pretty much all the extension of the cliff”

“They made it?!” there was surprise in her voice, I chuckled

“No, I mean, they hired people to do it. I don’t think my dad knows how to build things” I chuckled, my dad is a very good business man, he knows when to invest, when to buy and when to sell, how to make and keep money but he doesn’t know the first thing about building, repairing or putting stuff together.

“Oh, I see… it sounds like you have a very good family” she smiled

“I’m lucky” I agreed, she was right, I have a great family

“You took the best of them, I’m sure, you’re a great guy” she complimented me, I smiled and squeezed her shoulders a little

“Are you still close?” she asked

“Yeah, well, Aaron and I talk often, as often as we can and the same with our parents, we try to have a dinner at least every other week, sometimes it’s not possible but I try to visit and so does Aaron. He visits them more although I live closer than him”

“Because of your major?”

“Yeah”

“How is it to be away from your twin? Is it …hard? –I stared at her- or is it rude to assume you were always together, I mean, I’ve always seen twins dress the same way and talk the same way… ah I’m sorry if…” she babbled, I was still staring at her but I chuckled, it was funny.

“We’re very close but I don’t think we ever wore the exact same clothes. My mother and my aunt are twins too and their parents made them wear and do the same things, they hated it so my mom never wanted to treat us as if we were the same person… our personality is different though, everybody always say I’m the calm one”

“So you do act like the older brother”

“Sometimes, I think… How about you –I asked, the conversation had gone on too long about me- are you and your siblings close?”

“Well… -she stopped to think about it- I guess I’m closest to Anton, my older brother, poor him had to even change my diapers –she shook her head- he left home soon, moved to Milan and when I left home, I went to live with him, we fought sometimes though, because he didn’t like me painting on the streets to make my living and then he didn’t like the idea of me backpacking with a virtual stranger –she smiled fondly- but now he’s happy that I’m in school even though I’m far from home. Better than losing your time like a nomad” she quoted her brother, imitating his voice, she laughed. I smiled.

“He hated it when I left to go backpacking with Nini but I guess mama would’ve been angrier or maybe not, we never got along –she said dismissively and I didn’t ask about it- with my other siblings… one older sister, Elena, she’s older than Anton and Gianluca, older than me –she explained- I’m not close to them. I love them but I haven’t talked to them since I left home” she said looking as if she’d told this story many times, like she didn’t mind not talking to her family. I couldn’t imagine myself not talking or seeing my family for months even less years at a time.

“Don’t you miss them?” I said pretty much without thinking, she smiled

“Sometimes, but mostly Anton I’m the youngest but contrarily to what people say about the youngest kid, I’m quite independent and have always been”  she said, I nodded.

“Is that a reason why you didn’t pursue a musical career?” she broke the silence that had fallen between us. I raised my eyebrow “You don’t want to be too far from your family?”

“Oh –huh, I guessed I was easy to figure out- yeah, it was probably among the reasons”

“You don’t like traveling?”

“I do but not on my own and not for long periods of time unless…” I wondered if to tell her what I was about to say

“Unless…?”

“Well, I want to join a humanitarian organization to go and help people in need, once I start dealing with patients on my own, of course” I explained, she smiled

“When will that be?”

“I’m already going to the hospital, as you know, but I need more practice so it should be at the end of this year or next year”

“You wouldn’t mind traveling on your own then?”

“I wouldn’t exactly be on my own but even if I was, I wouldn’t mind as much, I’d have a purpose to go like that and I’d be helping and then I’d come back home” I reasoned, she hugged and kissed me

“Nini’s right, you want to save lives” she said still smiling. So they had talked about me, Nichole had. I wondered what else they had said about me.

“Yeah?”

“Mh, she said you were a good boy and that most likely you are now a good man” she told me

“Is that so?” I remembered Nic had always called me good boy in a teasing way

“Yeah, but I think she’s wrong”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, you’re not a good man, you’re an amazing one” she complimented me, I chuckled. She paid me compliments, I hadn’t so far, she ought to be ticked about this but she didn’t seem to mind so far. I stood up and extended my hand to help her up. The sun was setting, it had gotten chilly.

“We should stay until after the sun sets, to see it all” Marissa went to the railing

“You don’t mind it getting dark? It’ll get dark pretty soon after the sun goes down” I said, she turned to look at me

“Nichole told me that the first time she took me to a forest, she used pretty much the same words” Marissa giggled and my eyes widened. I guess I had forgotten but it was her who told me about that too, before her I hadn’t ventured where there was no electricity at least not during the evening.

“But if you don’t mind, I don’t mind” Marissa turned to look at the sunset again and then somewhat worried she added: “I’m assuming you know your way back…?”

“It won’t be so hard to go back to the house following the path…” I said, she seemed to think about it

“Come here –she motioned for me to get closer- I want to take some pictures of you with this light” she motioned to the hiding sun. I smiled, she was an artist after all, I was expecting this, somewhere in my mind something told me I had gotten used to this back in Burgeoys and though I had never thought much of it, I had liked the attention. I stood there looking at her.

“Look at the sunset” she instructed, I did, I could hear her taking pictures. I sighed once she went behind me and took a picture of my back; I remembered I had in this very same house a window size painting of my sixteen year old self in this exact same position, but in my karate uniform. It was one of Nic’s paintings, one she made for her art project. She’d sent it as a gift to my mother that Christmas. To this day, it was still hanging on the wall up the stairs, I wondered if Marissa would notice it or recognize it somehow.

Maybe it was not a good idea to date Marissa, being with her brought me many memories and Nichole was there, either because Marissa mentioned her and that made sense, they were roommates, they’d spent a lot of time together also supposedly we were friends but then, she was also in my head.

Marissa was not the first girl I had brought to the log house but it was the first time that I had thought so much about Nichole since I got in med school… I wondered if I’d get used to this and finally forget or maybe I’d only forget once I got my answers.

“Josh” I heard Marissa’s voice at my side, I looked at her, she took a picture

“Now it’s your turn” I smiled asking for the camera “against the sun?” I asked, she shook her head no and stood on a side, next to a tree, I took a couple of pictures and then the two of us took a picture together. The sun was gone by the time we came back to the log house, hand in hand.