Through my eyes: My song

A/N: I really hope that this one´s not confusing... it has a lot of flashback I guess, a lot of people is talking in this one and a few times it´s telling memories... I´ve been using italics to distinguish Nichole´s thoughts, I hope that helps. 

Ah, once again, this is not from Josh´s eyes, he was being difficult but he did give me the songs and allowed Mari to tell me more about this one. I gotta say I liked him here but idk if he might look too different, ofc in this one he´s older so maybe not.

There´s a couple of songs mentioned in this one, I was wondering if to use a different font for those but idk. The songs part was kinda hard for me, I love music but I know nothing about it but he´s a musician so a lot of what´s happening in this part of the story seems to have music somewhere even if it´s not written down what song is it... I had to go and check the songs, and some other things about them and even played the 3 of them over and over while I wrote this part hahaha Josh, what you make me do.... 

*****

“Nini! –Marissa appeared on Nichole´s doorway- did you know he sings like a god!” she walked towards Nic´s bed, sat on the edge and then lay down on her side. Nichole was sat with her back against the headboard of the bed, she was actually hoping that Marissa didn’t get in her room, she knew she was going to tell her all about her date with Joshua Arlington, something she didn’t want to hear but that she´d been listening for the last month or so, gladly they didn´t go out much, Josh´s schedule prevented it but still, Marissa always felt like talking about the times they did go out or the cutesy text she´d gotten or a particular thing he´d said in a phone call or the worst of all, some question about him during his Burgeoys time.

Of course she could´ve lock her door or even just pretend she was asleep but then that´d mean Marissa would ask and she didn’t want to answer why listening about Josh wasn´t her favorite thing to do late at night or at any other particular time, that and Marissa really enjoyed talking and talking to her… and even though it could be annoying especially if she asked about her past, Nichole felt she owed Marissa, after all she doubted she would´ve gotten back to art without Mari.

“I didn’t know gods sung” Nic lifted her eyes from the book she was reading

“Agh! Whatever, the point is that he´s an amazing singer, but don’t think like one of those people who say they can sing and they sing ok, no he´s professional level, I´m telling you, he´s great!” Marissa smiled her easy smile. I know, Nic thought but she only raised both eyebrows as if inquiring.

“Today –Marissa propped her head on her hand- he took me to this club slash café thing, don’t remember the name, we were supposed to go see his friends´ band play…” Marissa started to tell as she relieved the events of the evening.

“Josh! You´re early” a man in black leather jacket with spiky hair that Marissa later found out was Vic had approached Josh right after they had found a table

“Hey Vic…” Josh greeted bumping fists with the guy

“I need to ask you a huge favor” Vic said before Josh could say anything else

“Ok?”

“We need you to sing instead of Kev tonight”

“I´m here with someone” Josh looked at Marissa who smiled at him “I can´t just leave her to go to the stage the whole night” he shook his head lightly, refusing.

“Sorry –Vic showed Marissa an apologetic smile as if Josh had accepted- but, -he looked at Josh- we totally need you. Kev ate who knows what, he can´t be puking as he sings, if he can sing now… Josh, man, you know we need this gig. We’ll owe you big time”

“Vic, sorry, man, I don’t know…”

“You sing?” Marissa inquired before Vic could say anything

“Yeah, sometimes” Josh responded, Vic snorted

“He´s lying, he sings more than sometimes –he made air quotation marks- and he´s good” Vic said, Josh raised an eyebrow

“It´d be cool to listen to you” Marissa said wanting to hear him sing but also not wanting to make him choose between his friends and herself.

“This will be pretty much all night –Josh said in his usual calm manner- won´t you mind being alone?”

“Not if you let me be right in front of the stage and dedicate me a song” she winked

“No problem with that –Vic responded, Josh narrowed his eyes at the man- I like this chick, I´m Vic” he introduced himself

“Marissa. Nice to meet you” she said

“Love the accent” he said to her but looked at Josh, he had smiled a little smirk that she´d liked a lot.

“You know –Marissa narrated to Nichole- I didn´t want to be alone but I wanted to hear him sing besides it seemed like his friends really needed him and it was totally the best thing ever, he was so hot! And in a way like he was another person, look” Marissa clicked on her phone and gave it to Nichole, there was a video recording, Nichole clicked the play button.

“Hello, folks, this is Josh –the recording started- I´ve come to save your ears from a torture tonight… in spite of my beautiful date –he smiled a lopsided smile to the phone, to Marissa- Kev, the vocalist –he continued- decided to eat a rodent and some crème brûlée… the dessert didn´t please his stomach –he said glancing to a side, most likely to Kev who was still there. People laughed, Nichole heard Marissa´s laugh recorded as well- isn´t their band name fitting? –He asked with a slight smirk- ladies and gentleman, this is Decadence!” he announced as guitars started to sound and he put the microphone back in the pedestal to pull to his front the guitar that hung over his shoulder.

“Isn’t he dreamy?” Marissa closed her eyes tightly “and so different!” she commented as Nichole kept watching the video. This is Aaron she thought, confident, arrogant Aaron.  She felt like laughing because no, it was not Aaron, it was Josh´s side that was like Aaron, she knew it was there, she´d seen glimpses of it in Burgeoys but perhaps because Aaron was there he never let it out completely or maybe because she was there he didn’t do it, either way, she´d never seen his Aaron side in all his…rawness?…she wondered. Half way through the first song the video stopped, she looked at Marissa who was watching her with curiosity.

“Amazing, huh?” she ginned

“Yeah” Nic admitted

“Ever seen him that way?”

“I never saw him singing in a… concert” Nichole wondered why he´d never sung like that before… or why she´d never seen him or why… but then, she´d never asked anything, she´d done everything in her might to not ask or know… She felt like sighing but she didn’t.

“Look at this one. I recorded it complete” Marissa scooted closer and searched in her phone

In the video, guitars started to sound, the style of old music. Marissa was grinning next to Nichole kept watching the video. Pretty soon he got close to the microphone and Nichole started to laugh once she recognized the song, it was beyond her how she recognized it in the first place but she did and it was funny, she looked at Marissa still laughing.

“Isn´t it clever? –she smiled- he did as I asked”

“It says Maria, not Marissa” Nichole pointed out but of course it´d be like him to do as the girl said and to be honest he sounded good, even covering this song.

“You´ll see, pay attention” she motioned for Nic to watch the recording.

“Maria –although the recording was less than perfect, his voice going higher sounded smooth without cracking, not as high as the original song, his own pitch instead, lower. Not even the fast movements of his hands seemed to distract him from the wink and slight smile he showed Marissa and he continued –You´ve gotta see her, go insane and out of your mind –more high notes in the chorus, not one faltering –latina, ave María, a million and one candle lights…”

“Listen to that” Marissa moved to watch the video as well, she was excited

“Oh, don´t you wanna break her? Oh, don’t you wanna take her home?” he was smirking her way as he sung. From the corner of her eye, Nichole saw Marissa kicking her feet on the bed. Nichole on her part felt like she had to restrain her eyes from going twice their size, like Josh´s eyes usually went whenever she did something but this was no boy with open wide green eyes.

“wow!” she thought as she saw the Josh in the video taking two stpeps back from the microphone as he performed some kind of guitar solo. His eyes focused on the guitar, fast fingers making the strings sound, this was a Josh that Nichole recognized. The solo part brought her memories of the time she was in his house.

“dad gave me this one for Christmas” he had showed her a brand new black electric guitar, he´d told her, excitedly, the type of guitar it was, she still remembered the name, <modern player Stratocaster>, she didn´t know what that meant, if it was good or expensive but he seemed to be happy about it. He had played a couple of songs with it for her but it was not like this Josh in the video or maybe she hadn´t even noticed back then.

“Isn’t he great?” Marissa asked again

“Yeah…” Nic replied once again

“He should be a musician!”

“He´s a doctor” Nic said almost automatically, Marissa chuckled

“Wouldn’t he cooler as a musician?”

“He wants to save people, that´s cool” another automatic response “he´s not shallow” she was able to keep that last part for herself. Marissa grinned.

“He´s got it all, I know, the whole package” Marissa said. Nini cares, Mari thought almost giggling, she´d been thinking that Nic made herself look as if she didn’t really know Josh to avoid her getting jealous, she smiled, it was a nice way to care, a nice and hidden way to care, Marissa concluded in her mind.

Josh announced a break for the band and soon after that recorded music started to play, people started to sway to it, dispersing from the stage. Josh, instead, had jumped from the stage, his agility like that of an athlete, a smile on his face, his eyes shining, he ran a hand through his hair that now was all tousled.

“Damn, you´re hot!” Marissa had thought and when he chuckled she’d realized she´d said it out loud which was fine because she planned to say it anyway. They walked to a side, towards the bar where they ordered drinks.

“You´re amazing!” she leaned in to say over the music

“Thank you”

“I could go on and on about how amazing you looked up there. You should´ve been a musician!” she leaned in further

“Singer better than doctor?” he said, amusement in his voice, Marissa laughed

“You´ll make a hot doctor but you´re already a hot singer” she winked as she laced her hands around his neck

“Don´t mind the sweat?” he inquired, looking between her eyes and pouty lips. She kissed him and he returned it, pulling her close. She tasted the alcohol in his mouth and his hot breath and his smile. His hair was slightly wet, from sweat most likely but it didn’t matter, she didn’t care. It had been a deep kiss that had left her breathing raggedly; he had a satisfied smile on his face.

“You should keep this band” she said after drowning the rest of her drink, he chuckled

“Med school takes up all my time” he explained

“Ah –she pretended to pout- saving people or being a rock star…”

“Tough choice let me tell you –he shrugged- but had to make it” he said, she giggled

“You´d have groupies if you were a rock star, I´d be number one” she winked

“Ah, yeah… I might consider it then” he started another kiss

“When did you learn to sing and play so amazingly?” Marissa asked after some kisses, it seemed they were alternating drinks, kisses and bits of conversation, he stopped to think.

“I started with the guitar when I was around eight, singing came along with it”

“Wow! You really liked it then, I assume you keep practicing”

“I love it and yeah, whenever I can I play a few songs –he chuckled when he saw her expression- not like this, though, only for myself or with friends, karaoke, small stuff…” he clarified

“Private, you mean”

“You could say, yeah…”

“I wonder when I´ll get a private concert” she smiled and so did he

“Whenever you want… and my schedule allows it” he amended, she grinned

“Don´t like public stuff too much?” she asked after another kiss

“Mh?”

“You said you sing and play mostly privately, why?” she elaborated, he seemed to ponder

“This is cool –he motioned to the place in general- but I can´t imagine myself in places like this all the time, once in a while is fine, all the time… I don’t think so”

“Ah, but have you tried it?” she asked eagerly, it was not like she wanted him to change his career choice but it was interesting to know what he thought of this other possibility. He chuckled once again.

“Really want me to drop med school, huh?”

“No, no, no…” she started, he chuckled some more

“It´s ok, I get it –he took a sip of his drink- and not really, I haven’t tried, well, maybe…”

“You´ve maybe tried? How´s that?” she inquired

“Well… let´s say that I kinda was in a band…”

“Really?” Marissa said excitedly

“Yeah, with my brother, a friend and two of my classmates from high school, Vic and Kev”

“So they´re part of your richy rich band?” she poked her tongue at him, he chuckled again as he shook his head

“They were not Burgeoys students; it was before we, my brother and I, were transferred. Of course when we were sent to the boarding school, there was no more band, since we practiced in my house and really only Aaron and I had instruments…”

“Aw, why did you even transferred?”

“Got in trouble” he said still with his good mood but his shoulders tensed a little and he sat a little straighter, so she didn’t ask

“You didn’t want to make a new band?” she asked instead

“No, not really. I mean, I liked the whole band thing but it gets boring, imagine five boys trying to decide on songs and whatnot and my brother was bored of it, he liked the attention but not so much the practicing part”

“Is he younger?”

“You could say so –Marissa looked confused, Josh chuckled- we´re twins, but technically he´s younger” he shrugged, usually at this point girls got all excited about him having a twin, he almost expected to get questions about what it was like to have a twin at this point

“Your twin doesn’t like music” she sounded incredulous

“He does, just not as much as I like it. In Burgeoys he joined the swim team instead”

“Aw, he left you alone” Marissa pouted, Josh chuckled

“Nah, we didn’t want the band anymore”

“Did you become a swimmer too?”

“Nah, I got in an art club” he said, she gasped

“Do you draw, paint, sculpt…?” she was even more excited now

“No, none of those… I guess it was a…”

“Hey man –Vic interrupted- it´s time” he said patting Josh´s shoulder

“Alright –Josh stood up, extending his hand to help her up –let´s go” they had gone back to the stage

“Were you in a club in your fancy school too?”

“Everybody had to” Nic answered as if she´d been forced to be in one

“What were the clubs?”

“There were many… music club, drama club, cooking… basketball, karate, every sport was basically one club, even classic and modern music were a different club… gardening, decoration… a lot”

“Wasn’t there one for sculpting or pottery?”

“Yes”

“In which one you were?” Marissa smiled guessing the answer

“I was in the one where we painted and drew”

“The Art Club” Marissa grinned, Nichole sighed, rolling her eyes

“Yeah” she said reluctantly making Marissa giggle

“So Josh does paint or draw”

“Not that I know”

“But Art club…”

“Music is art too”

“Wasn’t there a music club…?”

“Tks… yes, but Mike, the instructor, had put together a room, a club for different kinds of art… he was good at many and it was mostly a collaborative thing so…” Nic explained to an excited Marissa

“So you taught each other!”

“That was the idea” Nic´s voice was monotone as if it made her bored to speak about this but Marissa knew she was just pretending or at least she expected she was just pretending

“Did Josh ever teach you to play the guitar?” Marissa asked with a smile, Nichole schooled her expression, because yes, he had but then Mari would ask and Nic just didn’t want to let her know about the time she had spent in Josh´s house.

“Each art form stayed in its group”

“Aw, so you were still apart”

“Unless you asked the others to teach you”

“And you never did”

“I have no musical talents. I only listened”

“Did he ever ask to be taught to paint or draw?”

“Not to me”

“It´s such a shame you guys were not working like in mixed groups of art” Marissa said. We did, Nic thought remembering some of the projects they did

“I did ask to be taught some computer animation” she said instead redirected the conversation

“Ah! So you could help me fix this video so that it has better quality –Marissa said somewhat excitedly- specially this one, see this song” she selected another clip. Nichole didn’t want to listen, to watch it but what could she say, according to Marissa she and Josh were friends and even if there wasn´t that, the guy was a good musician, she couldn’t say I don’t want to listen, Marissa would ask why. Well, I don’t want to think about him, listen to him, see him….  Yeah, that couldn’t go well, so she reluctantly took the phone and clicked on the play button as Marissa placed her head on Nic´s shoulder.

The song started with only guitars, of course Josh played it, a few seconds later the drums started and he started to bob his head to the drums but then he took a step closer to the microphone and started to sing the first verse.

“I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind…” the song started and the first line made her think of herself, exactly what she´d done. He was good like that. She smiled as this verse reminded her of that first time in the Art Club room where he´d sung a song that in her mind sounded similar to this one but she knew it was not. Like now, she´d also felt related to that first song.

She learned later that he´d been thinking of Eve when he had sung it but she too had been thinking of Ash, after all the “I love the way you laugh” and “I don’t feel right when you´re gone away” had been right what she thought and felt about Ashley, but now, she´d come to terms with Ashley´s ghost and the memory kept a tiny smile on her face as she admired his skills and thought that it suit him to sing this kind of songs. She listened to the lyrics, wondering if he´d chosen this one, his songs, the ones he chose to sing always seemed to have some meaning to him, as if they were the words he actually thought even if they were not his won but he owned the lyrics when they came out of his mouth.

Marissa wasn’t so bad at recording or maybe he´d been purposely seeing her because it seemed like now, he was staring straight at her.

“I really don’t mind what happens now and then as long as you´ll be my friend at the end…” the new verse said, her smile disappeared; this only made her think of his request. The way he hadn’t cared about anything, about her actions or even what she´d done to him, he still had wanted to be her friend.

“If I´m alive and well, will you be there holding my hand?” it seemed to her that she had him in front of her and he was talking to her, with a strength and will that he usually didn’t have because it was always doormat under his patience and kindness but not in this video.

The song continued and went to a small instrumental part in which he, once again, moved his head to the music and Nichole had to remind herself that this was not talking to her, just a song even though it hit her like a blow to the gut.

“You called me strong, you called me weak but still your secrets I will keep” in the camera Josh stared straight and at the last sentence he lifted his head up a little as if to make his voice end in the soft tone there but it felt like a gesture of reproach to her, it was not logical but it felt that way, especially with the next lines.

“You took for granted all the times I never let you down” the song continued, she fought the feeling on her eyes; she knew they were getting glassy, she blinked. Blinking what he was always doing back in Burgeoys, now he had her blinking.

“You stumbled in and bumped your head; if not for me then you would be dead. I picked you up and put you back on solid ground” his voice said as if forcing her to remember this was actually the case, she even had a scar to prove it. She closed her eyes willing tears away, she couldn’t be crying in front of Marissa, she´d want an explanation or would assume something other than what was actually the reason for her tears.

Nichole hated now more than ever to have to call the monster to let it take over. She had to be very careful, Marissa´s head was still on her shoulder but she did it. Half of the song had been so powerful, who knows what the other half would do to her but the monster took over, licking her tears from her eyes, swallowing memories away and crushing feelings between its claws. Its skin was hard and it barely got scratches but even the monster wasn’t completely immune to the singer… a singer that had known, had seen the monster and yet had accepted it, had even seen it with those kind and patient green eyes of his.

“Focus!” Nichole commanded the monster and it did, after all, it was highly trained to endure pain, all kinds of it, to the point it thought it was immune to it by now but it had to realize that less than four minutes of perfectly sung lyrics could crumble it to the ground. Both the monster and Nichole were glad when the recording finally ended.

“I think Cam can help you with this vid better, he knows more of that” Nic started to lay down, yawned, Marissa sat up and nodded in agreement.

“I totally wanted to bring him back here!” she added

“Why didn’t you?” it sounded dry to Nic eyes but it was out there so she couldn’t take it back

“Don´t you think it´s too soon?”

“Is there a standard for that?”

“Well, yeah… I guess”

“Then follow it”

“But I really don’t want to…” Marissa pursed her lips in that very characteristic pouty mouth she had

“Then do that” Nic shrugged as she yawned again and adjusted her head on her pillow

“What if he thinks I´m easy?”

“Are you?”

“Mmmm I don’t know, I´d be for him –she giggled- but I don’t know…. What would you do?”

“What do you think?”

“Well, you… I don’t know if you… now…” Marissa kept starting and stopping, Nichole laughed quietly

“If I want to do something, I do it. I don’t care about anything, even less standards” she turned to a side, her back to Marissa who was silent for a moment as if considering this.

“You´re kicking me out, aren’t you?”

“Finally you get it!” Nichole faked an annoyed tone of voice

“Aw, I wanted to talk to you…”

“You talked, it´s almost four in the morning, carina, I have to be up before eight, unlike you…”

“Alright, alright, miss responsible, I´ll let you sleep now. Rest well” Marissa leaned and gave a tiny hug to her roommate

“You too” Nichole murmured as Marissa left. Once the lights were off and the door closed, she curled in the bed, covering herself up to her head, eyes closed tightly, letting go of the monster, letting it take away with it the memory of the song.

“So you stopped practicing music in that new school?” Marissa had asked Josh as he drove her home

“No, but I played just for myself or with the guys in the club, we still had a couple of presentations but there was no pressure… we did practice, but –he smiled happily- it as mostly about fully enjoying what we liked, which was something that I really liked about that club” he had explained

“So… you don’t like to be pressured?” she´d said meaningfully, he had chuckled, surely getting her meaning

“It´s not that… you could say it´s some kind of stage fright”

“You looked nothing like you had stage fright tonight! –she twisted in her seat to fully look at him- you were all confidence and sex appeal!”

“I enjoyed it tonight –he was smiling, amused- but if it was every night or every other night I wouldn’t enjoy so much”

“Don’t like to have an audience?”

“You could say that”

“Aw but why? You´re so good”

“Having all eyes on you can be tiring” he explained, a tinge of what might have been sadness in his otherwise calmed voice

“Aw, so I won´t get to see you sing anymore?” she pouted

“Pretty eyes are fine” he said with amusement

“Ha! Pretty eyes, that´s you! –she´d said and kissed him, they had arrived to her building- so, I´ll get a private concert?”

“Sure” he kissed her again and she grinned as she was grinning now with the memory of it.

“I should´ve asked him to come up” she murmured going to her room after speaking with her roommate and laughed to herself. 

***

A/N: the songs: 

Maria by Blondie

Kriptonite by 3 doors down

Broken by Seether