So much I know you that I want to forget Looking at you is like looking through a window Being between your arms is like having your heart inside me What kind of spell did you cast on me? Listen into your heart .. there is nothing else but the rhythmic music being played for me nice music that hurts so much despite all of that I know you´re still the same
So much I know you that I know you are and you´ll be who you have always been the one that breaks the one that forgets the one with the spell to cast on me.
There was a tree who had been there for quite a time. He had looked thousands of living beings crossing by; he even had held some of them. He didn´t care to stand there and just be. It was who he supposed to be.
There was a bird who had been captive for his whole life, but from a time up to now his wings started to grow. Without even noticing it, he flew out of his cage.
The bird stopped under the tree and started to sing without knowing yet he was free. The tree listened to the bird's song and he felt like he could sing along, even if he had no voice.
One day the tree realized he loved the bird. He wanted to tell it but there were no words in his sap. He wanted to hug the little bird but his branches were steady as always. The tree became desperate. The bird still felt imprisoned.
Because of the tree´s sorrow each one of his leaves started to move, creating a small breeze. The bird felt the blowing wind as a soft caress which made him realize he was not captive anymore. The bird flied away, now conscious of his freedom. The tree had to stay there, his roots were already too deep in the soil to even try chasing the bird.
The tree, once again, shook each of his leaves trying to whistle to call his beloved bird, but this made him to raise his wings farther. The bird got lifted by the wind without knowing about the silent cry behind.
After an hour or so, the angel that had been all the while on the roof came down to her bedroom. He placed himself next to me. He got close as if he was going to sniff me.
“stop it Niss! I can sense you here you know.” We knew each other. he was a guardian, I was a warrior but we were something like brothers.
“what are you doing, Ayon?”
“sleeping before you came to sniff me” I said without opening my eyes
“why are you here? A warrior? I was sent here. Why are there two of us when one is enough?” guardian angels can be very perceptive. That´s their job, so they´re good at it.
“then go away”
“did HE sent you too?” one per person is the rule unless the person asks for more or that the person is a potential target. In Ei´s case this was inconsistent. And apparently angels in heaven were oblivious to Passio´s existence. So Niss thought it was weird two angels to be there. First because not many got interested in her and the ones who did just went away when they found out that to get her energy you have to get really close to her. She dislike that therefore she rejects any that dares to touch her. So they thought she was supporting the `other party` and hardly no one knew she was a pure source, since they are not suppose to reject anybody but also in big amounts of exposure you can get hurt, sort of an implosion happens. I really know why no one before me had known she was a pure source and that is because she is able to manage the inner energy in her, unconsciously and bound to her emotions. What I don’t really understand is why I´ve been able to stay this long. Why I´ve been able to manage the exposure to that much energy… I think is her putting a limit to it so that I don’t perish but of course she doesn’t really knows what she´s doing.
Niss didn’t know about Passio, else he would have told me, so he thought it was inconsistent for a warrior like me to be there with her.
“stop asking so many questions and let me sleep.. I´m here and that´s it. You just do what you´ve to do” He said nothing for a while but I knew he was there watching me “I´d rather like you go back where you were” I said a little annoyed
“why do you like to be there so much? Does it has to do with the energy she provides you?...it´s so much!” he said as if he were talking to himself
“I just like to be here” I said in a murmur and I felt how he went to the other side of the bed and reached out to touch one of Eimi´s hand.
Everything was so fast. Niss had been expelled by her energy and thrown away. I was stunned. I was right next to her, my arm over her, her back touched my whole torax and I was just fine but he had clearly received an attack, pain. I didn’t move.
“what´s this?” he said placing himself next to me. He was certainly surprised.
“well…” I said “she doesn’t like to be touched” it was true but I didn’t expect it was carved to the core of her spirit.
“stop mocking me! You´re all aver her and you are fine. I only put one of my fingers on her palm…”
“I´m not mocking you” I said and reach for her hand, a bit scared I must confess. Nothing happened. He went again but this time he only pur his hand above hers, an inch apart. Both of us could sense how her energy was there ready to kick him off. I put my hand in between them and nothing happened except that she closed her hand over mine. I smiled. Niss narrowed his eyes and tood my hand, trying to take it from Ei´s. he couldn’t. as if a blow had hit him, he flown away. He stood then by the bed corner, thinking. I was smirking. I guess I felt so important and exclusive. Her hand let go and she turned over. I wondered if she had felr what had happened .
“why? Why?” he was saying”h-how?” Niss couldn’t talk right “what´s this?” a human cant do this. She´s asleep and I´m her angel… sure nothing can get to her soul if there´s one that has it already but to touch her, that much is possible…. Why? Why..you? a human cant be this pow..”he interrupted himself while finding the answer. “she´s a pure source, isn´t she?” I only smiled. “is that why you´re so close to her?” my smile vanished completely. I was glaring at him now. His question made it seem as if I was taking advantage of her.
“are you not?” a voice sounded. Passio. She was in the room. I stood up trying to see her.
“what? It was just a question, Ayon!” Niss said, since he saw me in an offensive possition. He hadnt felt Passio either. He hadnt heard her.
“not yet, Ayon” she said when I cought a glimpse of her energy. Then she went away throughthe window causing a lightning; only then Niss found out there had been other with us.
“Ayon?” he said
“someone, I´m not sure with what purpose” I said
“I see. Wich demon it might be? isn´t Eimi strong enough to do to him what she did to me?”
“don’t know” was all I said.
“I cant protect her if she rejects me even asleep.. it should happen with everyone if she has managed to control it somehow, even you should be flying away from her by now and all I can see is you there and she sharing energy with you.. almost with the same potency that she used with me but more” he fell silen for a secon with a loss stare. I had no time to solve his puzzles now. I needed to solve my own ´not yet´what did Passion had meant by that?
“love” he said. Now I was puzzled by the word Niss had uttered. It didn’t match the scene. “you´re there and so strong and so safe and able to stay there because you are all wrap in her love… this is were you´ve been all this time isnt it? You havent gone home ´cause you have been here every single day, right? Don’t you ever thought why you hadnt lost your mind and become nothing by spending this much time with her?” he could be so annoying sometimes.
“of course she loves me, we´re friends!”
“look at you! Look at her! You know friends don’t act that way” he said smiling “even if you were her friend you should be nothing by now for the amount of energy she posseses. Love is the only thing that keeps you alive, like a shield, or a protective film.it has made you stronger.” I saw her so quiet there. My heart racing `love´my heart bit said. I kissed her cheeck. ´love´kept me there. A flow of all our moments together came like a stream.
“you must leave” Niss said
“eh?!”
“you must leave now, before you wretch her.. you´re her angel. It is you duty to protect her. To put her away from temptation. To whisper to her ear not to sin”
“why would I leave then if I´m her angel? That would be leaving my duties!” how awful those words sound. She was no duty.
“she will sin if she trespases the limit of her love to you… she cant love you that way… you know it. You are different beings” it was like receiving a punch to my stomach. The roles had inverted. She was me when falling for Shiloe. What had I done? “go!” Niss, said “I´ll stay with her”
“no,” I said despite myself “ I wont leave”
“Ayon! You cant be here anymore!”
“I can and I will”
“are you trying to hurt her?”
“I wont hurt her. I wont her the only one that has trully loved me!”
“you must go, she´s not like you!”
“leave!” I shout.
“who are you?!” he said surprised
“leave” I said glaring. He closed his eyes and lifted his face to heavens, then he bowed lightly. He had received a comand. He saw me. He got close to me.
“may wisdom accompany you, brother” he said after kissing my forehead. Then he went away.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
ok... entrada numero uno. La cosa más dificil q voy a hacer. A poner todo fuera de mi. Vulnerable, expuesta y desagradable. Para q empezar con el principio, mis males vienen de hace ya algun tiempo, mejor digo lo de hoy lo de este segundo que con eso bastará para bastante.
Cuando trato de decirlo por un momento solo me parece que estoy haciendo una hiperbole de algo q ni siquiera existe y como siempre he dicho tanto y en realidad no he dicho nada. Me siento ahora más adolescente que cuando en realidad era adolescente, es cierto. Cuando era adolescente nunca estuve confundida, bueno si lo estuve y fue duro pero sabia lo que tenia que hacer y tenia decision sobre el estado en el que queria terminar. Hoy no, esta vez en realidad estoy confundida porq no sé del todo en el estado en el que quiero terminar... un día quiero llegar a cierto punto al otro ya no.
Las lagrimas se han vuelto una constante para mi y no tengo ninguna excusa para derramarlas. No soy ya la misma y lo detesto pues ya habia llegado a un lugar seguro a un espacio de paz y ha sido como que estupidamente me lancé al vacio lleno de espinos y guijarros... pronto vendrán las aves de rapiña sino encuentro solución a esto.
Estamos programados. Nacemos con muchas cosas que pensamos que controlamos pero no es asi... viene dado, siempre he pensado eso... pero parece que en algo no habia pensado... y es que sin importar que vengamos programados o no... igual se siente y se vive y se llora y duele... no es como si pasara desapercibido, no cada segundo se siente, cada infimo detalle s como hecho a bajo relieve. El diseño que se está haciendo en mi vida es uno que representa caos. Cada trazo duele...hay algunas partes que duelen más..otras más marcadas otras un poco mas superficiales pero tengo conciencia de todas y cada una de ellas. Son muchos trazos. Casi pareciera que el artista que los hace es un sadico.
Before going to the kitchen I took of my jacket and shoes, I felt more confortable that way. I know my way to the kitchen and everything there and if not I could just seek for it. I´m more sensitive to materials and to everything actually, since everything is energy and I´m only energy.
I made her a large chamomille hot tea with some honey, I know she likes it that way. When I got to her bedroom she was sat on her bed reading a book already wearing her pajama pants and her gray sleevless t-shirt, simple but practical, confortable. We smiled at each other. She sneezed again.
“rest Ei” I said taking away the book and giving her the cup of tea. She drank half of it and saw me. I had already decided I was going to stay there by her side in case Passio decides to appear.
“drink it all” I said and sat on the floor, my back touching the edge of her bed. She put away the cup and laid still on her bed… not that I know for sure since my back was to her though I could feel her right next to the back of my head. After a moment she softly took away the ribbon that tied my hair and started to comb it with her fingers, softly as if she was afraid to touch me, as if she was afraid to hurt me.
I started to sing a song, a slow one. Her hand stop going through my hair. She had fallen asleep. I thought she was.
“you´ll get cold there” she said not oppening her eyes, sleepy. “come, come” she continued due to my lack of response. She said that twice, softly, with a barely audible voice.
“come” I repeated and did as she said. I was at her left side now, her back to me. Then she turned around and got closer to me, my heart acted strange.
“I think my heart just dropped down from its place” I said. She chuckled.
I could really rest there by her side. It was a confortable place to be. I didn’t need to sleep and I hardly ever did it but when I was there with her I just felt like doing it. It felt good to close my eyes and see nothing. Sometimes even I dreamend but in a way I was still awake.
This time I had a dream. I was in a mission. I had to save Shiloe. She was no demon. She was only a woman. I was in a small boat in a big lake that was under a cave. It was dim. Suddenly a spirit came to warn me. I was wrong. I dint have to save Shiloe. I had to save my beloved person from Shiloe. I panicked. I knew what Shiloe was capable of. My beloved one needed me. I had to get to her. I was desperate but I was confident. My beloved one trusted on me. She was waiting for me. She had faith so I was able to have faith too.
Eimi getting closer to me awoke me. A storm had begun. Thunders and lightnings were sounding. She was cold. I woke up to find another blanket and put it over her. She opened her eyes.
“don’t go… I´m scared of storms like this” she sounded so sad, so weak, so needed “they died on a night like this… I´m scared of storms like this” I knew she wasn’t fully awake, since she never talked about the death of her family, only inbetween her sleep.
“it´s ok… I´m not going away I was just looking for a blanket” she stretched her hand calling me back. I went back to her side and pass an arm around her. After a minute or so, she was again sound asleep. For some reason I smiled. I closed my eyes again thinking on the dream I had have. I wondered what it meant.
where´s the old me??? I dont know who am I anymore! I just cant recognize myself!!
I feel sad all the time, everything looks gray, just dark and cold... not all the time gray, dark and cold are bad but this kind the kind that is invading my life is bad, the worst.
I need guidance. I have to come back or at least to be able to be slighty similar to whom I was I miss the one I was just a few moons ago...
When I got to her home. I didn’t bother to knock. I only appeared where I felt her. She was still in the same place where she had been when I left. She had a smile on her face. I could see her even before she could see my shape, since for her I was only a dot of light. Somehow I felt her smile got bigger when she saw me. I like her so much better when she´s like that because she seemed to smile only when she feels like, so when she smiled at me I knew she meant it. It was not a mere formality.
Passio was not there. I didn’t feel her, wich reminded me I hadn´t felt her the first time we met. I had to be sure she wasn’t there hiding somewhere. I was thinking all this, while my body was forming itself around my escence. When I had my body completed I opened my arms as I do when wanting to get a hug from Ei. She´s never left me waiting. She got up and walked towards me smiling her honest smile and she cuddle herself between my arms.
“hi again” she said not questioning me coming back.
“hi back”
I said nothing more. I was looking for Passio. I needed to scan the whole thing and for that I needed her close, I wanted to have her close too, her energy increases my power exponentialy when I´m close to her. And it seems that as much closer we get the more energy I get from her. I wanted to be completely sure there was no danger for Ei so I decided to use the new trick Passio had taught me. As if I created more arms strings of light started to go out of me but only I could see them. It was easy to create this invisible strings. I could sense how her energy was coming to me and getting away to search for any other energy.
An angel was close. He didn’t notice me, the strings coming from me, actually. He was sat on top of Ei´s roof. He knew I was there. He had seen me appear and now he was looking us together. It was so cool to see me there holding Ei between my arms and her so –I don’t have a word to describe it- but we seemed so close, our energy flowing between us, into me out of her, into her out of me, almost like our energies could become one. It was in a slightly visible way though it was no visible for human eyes but I think she could felt it.
I was up, next to the angel that was seated on the roof, he was like a guardian angel that had been sent for her. I was down, too, holding Eimi. I was back, in the garden too and out front and pretty much everywhere around. Passio wasn’t there. No where near my Eimi.
“are you ok?” Eimi said breathing on my chest “has something happened to you?” I guess we had embraced for longer than ever before. I didn’t need to have her like that anymore but I didn’t seem to be able to let her go. Her arms were locked behing my back too.
I let her go.
“are you ok my angel?” she asked again. Worry in her eyes. I love when she pay that much attention to me. I loved to know that she was worried about me ´cause that meant she cared about me.
“I´m ok” I said all pleased inside for having her safe and also for her concern about me. “arent you sleepy?” she looked confused for a moment, that had been very random of me but it was the first thing that came to my mind, besides it was late.
“I´m a little tired…” I noticed she had been working after I had left. There were papers scattered over the table.
“go to bed and rest” her expression seemed to decay, as if she was sad of going to bed, of me going.
She sneezed. Most likely it had to do with our little trip under the rain.
“go get ready to go to bed. I´ll make you some tea” she opened her mouth to say something but she didn’t say anything, only smiled and went to the stairs.
