raged

in days like this it is very evident that I dislike being alive. Today and basically this whole week I´ve being hating myself. Indeed, I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF. Im crying, Im crying because Im mad, because Im filled with rage because Im in pain, excruciating pain. Last time I went walking -it was at the beginning of the month- I was happy n felt like walking around the place in El Tazumal, it was great I was happy, it was the first time I was staying in my own house. I had gone shopping n it all felt right. After walking for a while on the grass I felt a slight pain in my right foot, it suddenly happened and I knew I had to stop walking. I had faith that it was going to go away soon. We went away n I spent the rest of the afternoon lying down, as well as the next day, my poor mother had to do everything for me, she had to bring everything for me. I tried to ignore the pain and I kept believing n having  faith that it was going to be better... We came back from my own house to the house we all live.... I tried to ignore the pain... I did put on some cream to aliviate it and I took some pain killers... I had to go to work the next day... driving and walking were a torture but I endured it because it´s been always like that for me...every time I´ve gone to the doctor they say there´s nothing wrong with me but it doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt... on tuesday that week I got a sore throught and I just got some medicine from the drug store...the next day it was worst n I barely could talk because I was coughing so much. That afternoon I didnt go to my second job instead I went to the doctor -to el seguro social- the doctor checked my through n said I was sick and prescribed some medicine and she also said I had to stay home for 2 days... I told her then to take a look at my foot because it hurt...she said she couldnt b/c she could only check me for one thing no more plus she said, Im giving you four types of medicine and Im only supposed to give u three... I asked her to at least tell me what could do she refused to help me... I went to the place where they give you the medicine and out of the four that were prescribed to me only two were available so they sent me to the other location of the seguro social n there they didnt have any medicine either which I found out after being in line for a while... I decided to go to the ER there the doctor there barely touched my foot and said it was ok, he said not to use the bandage anymore. I was mad b/c I was still in pain but had no money to go to another doctor. I was mad so I did it, I didnt wear the bandage the next three days...  then it was saturday and then monday that day it started to hurt again n more that day my car broke and then I had to pay for it with money that I dont even have and then it had something else wrong ...I´ve had to b a burden for my bro for these days... This morning the car was ok and I didnt care if my foot still hurt anyways it always hurt. The fucking car started to fail... bro had to take it to fix...apparently it was nothing it was just to make me get late to my morning job. Wonderful, isnt it?
The weather is really cold and I just cant stand the pain. I need money to go to a orthopaedist. Idont have money and the money of my next pay check is already spent. I cant stand the pain and I´ve been crying. I cant stand the pain and for the very first time I´ve wanted to hurt myself. Im raged. Im convinced that God hates me or ignores me or just hates me.I´ve thought that maybe he is punishing me for liking girls as well as guys but then, I´ve been in pain since I was 5 and back then I didnt even know what was to like someone. And it´s not that I like girls or guys. I´ve just liked 3 ppl in my whole life and I gave up on both girls b/c I knew he didnt like it and well the last one Im almost sure she doesnt like me like that, the other one was a guy, he was nice but ended up being a jerk. I´ve never had a boyfriend, I´ve never been kissed, I´ve never had sex, I´ve recentrly started -one in a while- to touch myself but I dont like it, I dont feel a thing, I´ve tried to be good and have a good heart, I´ve tried and tried but it seems that it ddoesnt matter for him. He loves watching me cry or so it seems. He hates me, I love him despite all.
Tomorrow I think I´ll end it all, Im not sure maybe Im too coward... I have this very sharp knife-like thing that I used when I was in architecture but to use that I´d had to bleed a lot before dieing plus I dont want to leave a bad memory for my family in my house. While driving I could hit the gas and close my eyes and let loose the steering wheel but that would make me crash and ruin the car and they need to have a mean of transportation so I think my best option , and I´ve never planned it thoroughly as today, my best option is to go to Los Planes, to the mountain called La Puerta del Diablo. It is perfect because I know how to get there, also I wont ruin the car and wont leave a bad memory at home, it is always lonely during the weekdays and I will do it after lunch so no one will be there. I will climb to the highest one, I´ll have to endure the pain of climbing the stairs but that will be the last fucking time.  I´ll take my cellphone w/me to text my bro n dad to go and pick up mom. after that I´ll turn it off so that they wont call me. I´ll climb over the safety cables and I will scream my lungs out. I´ll take my sharp knife and will slice my through then I´ll jump off the cliff and all the pain will be over in a  few seconds. I dont know what will happen next with me... my soul will go to heaven and my body will end up all torn up on the rocks. who cares... The night will come and there will be 7:30 pm... mom, father and bro will try to call me but I will be long gone... they´ll get worried and will call grandma then to my boss at my second job then probably to Cecy and maybe to Gaby since they are my only two friends. Father will get deperate and will go to via del mar to look for me but they will tell him that I didnt appear, he will go to my college but he wont find me there...maybe they´ll call the police. It will be days untill they find my body all rotten maybe eaten by birds and dogs ...who cares... I wont be feeling pain anymore but they will but only in their brains but it´ll pass I´ll explain them and they´ll think that I shouldnt had done it and maybe they´ll blame themselves but I´ll explain them... because when they find me they´ll try to look for a guilty person but I will be the one to blame... they´ll come and look in my computer and look in my stuff and they will find it... but they´ll have to understand that I was having unbearable pain. and this will be the explanation:

Im so so sorry that Im causing you so much pain. I promise it will pass because what you feel now is only in your brains, I know you will always remember me and probably cry a bit but you have to understand that I did this only for me, because I wanted to because I didnt want to feel pain anymore. During my whole life it´s been all about pain. My legs hurt so bad, even when I walked, driving was a torture and I didnt have money to go check it but dont feel guilty it´s not about money you know how many other times we´ve gone to docotrs and they always say that I have nothing wrong, they cant find the cause of my pain, so it´s not your fault at all, it was just my body hating me as I hated it. Dear, beloved mom please dont blame yourself, it´s not your fault, it´s God´s fault, he was the one who made me like that. I know that you will miss me, all of you but I will give you this confession to make you mad at me, to make you hate me so that you have a way to give meaning to what has happened to me, this is what will make you hate me, well not you my baby bro because you already know and accepted it as a phase or whatever but you accepted it and loved me the same you have no idea how relieved I was that you still loved me as much as before but mom n dad I know you hate this, specially you mom, well as you are probably guessing by now ... n no Im not gay lol however Im not completely straight... you might be thinking that such thing cant be but it can. I am able to like romantically anybody -technically it is called pansexuality- it means I dont mind the gender or whatever they have between their legs... this you dont know my bro, when I was at baptist school, right when the whole liking the opposite sex started I liked this guy, his name was Eduardo and you see, I see colors, I dont know how to explain it but sometimes I see color or tastes in things/ppl and this boy had this glow around him... well, this girl..also at that school had the same glow n i remember I thought she was so damn beautiful... I felt the same for both -at different times ofc- but I never realized what it was... years later in highschool I fell again for a girl... I wont tell her name I got crazy about her... also sick... I stopped eating completely. I was so scared of all of you and of God´s punishment...then I liked this boy and they also had this sort of glow but I denied liking the boy when mom asked dad, you were the first one to notice it -you all now know who he was- I denied liking him even to myself b/c it meant that I had fell for the girl too and that was painful....some years after, in college...n still now I´ve seen another girl...I love her and I wished I could´ve been with her but she doesnt like me and no I didnt do this for her, she would slap me if I´d ever do that... she´s one of my best friends and I know I´ll make her suffer for this too but she has to understand that I was in so much pain that my body was causing me so much pain. Im sorry my dear little prince. /(I ask you the favor to show this to Cecy and maybe she can show it to her, yes she knows who she is) n by now you probably know too but dont hate her b/c she didnt turn me I was the one who was like that already... I had prayed to God to make me fall in love for a nice guy next time but maybe that wont happen b/c Im not around anymore. You are mad at me now dont you? you see, it´s not that hard to  let me go.
I want to say to mom that ...well, I love you mom with all my heart, you are the best and that that was good in me and in my life was because of you. You never did anything wrong, if there is perfection in this world then your name is the definition of it. I love you more than anything and Im sorry that Ive made you sad and that I´ve made you cry and that I´ve disppointed you by what  I just confessed but you know I love you and Im still loving you,even now. I wish there were words to tell you how much I love you. Promise me that you´ll never blame yourself for my choices. I´ll see you in heaven. Live, live to see god comming to earth please.
My dear baby bro, you know your are the one that has all my trust. I know you will miss me too but honey you are young and great and hot haha and you have a great life ahead of you.. go on and have my beautiful niece -I know her already- Abby will be so beautiful. I want you to be the best man you can be and thebest dad and the best husband and the best lawyer. You are and will be great. I know it. You are the best I love you so much that I even tattooed something that represented you -among other stuff- Im sorry if I made you cry baby but you know I never meant it... plz dont do nothing irrational, think what I would do -excepting this last crazy thing ok- plz I beg you. I love you I love you I love you
Dad: wow, you and I have had our ups and downs... I adored you for most part of my life you were the greatest dad until you were not but even so I want you to know that I´ve forgiven you whole heartedly and that though the love that I had for you changed and hide in the depth of my heart it never ceased to exist and you might b thinking that I dont love you even know but that´s not true Im thinking on those nice happy moments that we had...Im thinking on my baby journal that you made for me... this blog that I have is sort of the extension of it. Thx for being so careful of details...n never blame yourself for what I´ve done, plz I know that probably you will be the most affected one n I really appreciate that you love me so much but it´s not your fault at all. It´s all mine and my pain ok? plz be strong for mom and Jo and your future grandchildren, you´ll be a wonderful grandpa. Dont get mad at God either... you thought me to believe in him and even though I am convinced now that he hates me I still believe in him and his power and all that you thought me of him so dont get mad at him and dont get drunk please you know how much I hated when you did that so dont do it and dont go to bed and stay there for days either, get up and b happy, be happy b/c thanx to your faith Im in heaven now ^^ happy and with no pain ok?
now for all my family tell them I love them and dont tell them much or do as you please they´ll think I´m stupid n will talk shit about me but who cares dont mind them ... if you make me the favor of passing this to my only friends I´d appreciate that...
to Cecy: Dear friend I love you a lot, thx for accepting me as I am. You are and were very important in my life you know I always admired you for your faith, b strong and plz dont think badly of me... great things will come for you I know.
To Gaby: I love you for real, thank you for giving me reasons to smile... for helping me get out of that black whole in which i was whe you met me. You are the best never let anybody to tell you otherwise, not even yourself.... idk if you´ll want to read this blog since you were in a way the reason for me to create it...and many of the post/poems were made for you or thinking of you... you dont have to read them though and you might hate me now for doing what I did I beg you to try to understand me Im sorry if Im causing you pain I never meant to do it. I beg you to be you and just you since who you r is great. I´ll miss your hugs the most but the memories of you n the nice/funny moments we spent had been a confort for bad days. Bear hug dearest. Love ya dear little prince.
now for my manga fox/facebook friends: Matt, Saku,T and Kari. You are great guys! You helped me so much. Matt never give up ok? too bad I never got to meet you in person or being who you want to be but I know you´ll get it... too bad I wont see how hot you´ll get :p yeah I had planned flirting a bit w/u ahahaha a little shotacon hahaha jk I´ll miss you piggy pig :p Saku thx for reading my stories, my only reader thx for encouraging me in that n for reading my rants Im sorry that I complained so much. You are a great girl! T so cute! take care T, too bad we didnt make that vid call again. Kari though by now we´ve lost contact I want you to know that I miss you n that you were a great friend, you were the first one to hear my unrequited love ramblings im sorry ´bout that... plz find a way to smile ok dont follow my lead ok? I´ll miss you. Bear hug!

n that´s it. Im sorry that all of you have to read so much but ... that´s me... Im sorry that I made you pass a bad time... plz try to understand ok? plz but you know I´d rather you all hate me than you all feel sad/guilty so plz instead of being sad/guilty hate me or just remember the small good parts of me. Mom, Jo n dad I love you, believe still in heaven I know I love you. <3

unable

I have a story in mind! n I think it´s good... but I have no time atm and it´s late Im so tired but it´s a story that I want to post, I really want to and I dont want to forget about it or the feeling of it, the images that come like a stream to me ...but Im afraid that maybe tomorrow they´ll be away from my mind and that I´ll never b able to recover them again and I think it´s worth it I thik it should b here... but it´s late... aaaah why time goes by so fast when one is having fun or similar to that...

Motivational speaker

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RC-4DP_cYc&feature=uploademail wow 
 I  love this man -not really-what I mean is that he is indeed so motivational, he has a gift... I dont know how he does it but he does it. Im glad that he´s a motivational speaker and motivate me at least a little to "keep swinwing..." I think I´d like to b in one of his speaches someday though that´s unlikely....
He and chicken soup for the soul are the only motivational stuff/books/ppl that has gotten to me hahaha often I dont like it hahaha

again today

I . want. to. die.

that says it all. There are many ways of dying and thereare so many ppl that dies everyday, why not me?
In the movies/plays or stuff like that the one in charge or possession of somebody else´s life sometimes said before killing them that they were going to b merciful by giving a quick death.
Suposedly god is the one that possesses my life and it seems that he is not merciful because he gives me a long, slow,painful death -are you dieing? we all are, after all every minute that we live is a minute that we die.
Nature is so cruel.
The worst part is that I become a burden for the ones around me. I made mom sad...
I should die

Archeological site/church and and "hacienda"

La divina misericordia church

altar at La Divina Misericordia church. All made or marble

windows at the church

hand made embroidery in a tablecloth at La Divina Misericordia church

Two ladies praying to "La divina Misericordia"

small platform at archeological site "El Tazumal"

catholic and ancient religion: a cross next to the platform in "El Tazumal" which used to be a temple for the god of fire

flowers and the main piramyd in El Tazumal

flowers of an arbol de fuego -tree of fire

blue print of El Tazumal

next to the archeological site there´s a cementery... in the temple there used to be a cememtery of the people they sacrificed to the gods... nowadays there´s also a cementery next to it... funny ha?

in the temple of El Tazumal they found a statue of a fungus, it was revered since it was an hallucinogen fungus ofc that these are not the ones but I thought it was interesting

some miles away from the archeological site, an "hacienda" another part of my county´s culture/history

technology is so hard!!

I just changed the template of my blog... my God! that was hard n now idk how to bring back more like adjust my stuff from the side bars to this new template ....it says how over there -in the instructions but it seems that I just cant... I bet my 5 year old cousin could do it ¬¬ I guess Im becoming illiterate T_T but I wont give up!! I´ll keep trying!!!

wandering 11 * rest, Anna.

"I hate being sick!"
"I told you to hurry but you wanted to enjoy the rain, didnt you?" Scire said mockingly
"and that helps me how?" Anna turned around in her bed. She was so cold but she was burning, she had a fever. No one was there to tell her or to force her to take off the many covers that were warming her...The ceiling started to move, she was dizzy and the wind sounded like it had a voice.
"are you talking to me?" she thought she had asked to the voice.
"yes, dear, let me tell you a tale, is that ok?"
"go on, I have no where to go... would you sit close so that I stop feeling cold?"
"will you let me tell you the tale or not?"
"who´s stopping you?"
"alright-a little laugh- there was a little girl home alone and sick..."
"this is like grandpa stories, isnt it? -Anna said in a hoarse weak voice- one where you are really saying what´s going on right now but you make it sound like or try to make it sound like it´s someone else, right?" she smiled "what a weird feeling-she thought- to smile because you are having a happy memory"
"will you listen or not?"
"mh"
"ok, so there was a little girl home alone and sick, but you know she was not so little but she was innocent and sweet as one however not so many had discover that side in her. Home alone, once again, she was sad and sick, she has been sick so much that her family return to their normal life while she was locked -metaphorically, of course- in that empty cold house. She was in the verge of tears all the time, she knew she had the love of her family but that´s a given she used to think, they have to love her because she was part of them but that was it... she couldnt keep a friend because she was always sick so she couldnt go out much or hang out with them. On the verge of tear, with pain,  all kinds of pain. The world would be better without me-she constantly thought- and then, one day, the phone rang. She picked it up but she never imagined that it was for her, no body had ever called her before. She heard a voice asking her how she was, how she was feeling, she was shocked "maybe this person needs something from me" she thought to herself as she answered she was not feeling well. After a small talk she realized she had been called only to know how she was doing. It was a nice surprise wasnt it?"
"is this some kind of joke? are you implying someone will call me because they care for me? are you high or something? well maybe Im the one who´s high talking to ...who are you again?"
"Im the one who´s calling you, talking to you making sure you are ok"
"right"
"you are the wind? or.... Scire?"
"rest, Anna"
Anna´s eyelids felt heavy, her body relaxed under the covers, she thought it was a stupid tale but it made her drowsy. She fall asleep and the darkness and the emptyness didnt chase her on her dreams that night.
"rest, Anna"