Misery loves company

geez, my eyes are filled with tears and my chest feels tight. I have a million reasons to cry, good ones even yet not really ´cause why would you cry again for something that you´ve already cried for?

I might not be able to contain the stupid tears and that´s so very bad, it´ll only make my already hurting eyes hurt more, they dont like to endure the effort of producing the tears that they already have hard time making but stupid heart, emotions, emo mood seems to not care about tomorrow or later tonight.

Going to bed... too bad I just cant sleep whenever I want. I better go, though, find a place where it´s just me. Dont want to make others sad as well, we all know how misery loves company

Through my eyes: Tactics and Strategy (Eyes on You II)

A/N: This one feels like an accomplishment, perhaps, no, for sure, there are a lot of mistakes but I´m pretty excited that I got to write two Jmemories in it. I think in this post he´s spoken more than ever before. This post is much longer as well and has references of some songs and a poem, I´ll add a link of those below. 

This is the first of a few posts that I want to dedicate to some kids I met. This one I want to dedicate to Bry, he was one of my students and though he´s nothing like the characters in this story, I was reminded of him as I wrote the first Jmemory. Bry was an example of what dedication, effort and a bright personality can accomplish, also he had a beautiful, supportive family. A true example, he´d be a HS freshman this year, I know he's doing great. 

On less loaded things haha Saku, what did my girl do in the last post to make you dislike her? haha she was behaving well -for her- :p I wonder if you´ll get a glimpse of why J decided to go in this trip.

finally, to the post! ah, no, before that, Josh challenged me and I just had to accept. He knows writing flashback...I´m just not good at it but... haha ok, anyway, I hope it´s not too confusing, what I did, in case it was too bad, is to write in italics everything that is flashback. I hope it helps /////_//////

****

We parked on a dirt parking lot under a tree. There were scattered SUV´s and jeeps under trees. There was some kind of kiosk with benches made of logs where a group of people were chatting apparently waiting for more people to arrive. We took our things out, each one of us had a backpack, I had my guitar and the picnic basket. Marissa had the map and a camera and Nichole just her backpack. We stopped in the center of the place while Mari surveyed the area, like every other forest it was all green and it all looked similar to me.

“Lead the way, carina” Nic had a hint of teasing in her tone

“According to this –Marissa was still staring at the map –we have to go… -she looked at the many paths all around us –here” she walked to the one at her left as she extended her hand to me. We walked in silence for a while, Marissa and I walked hand in hand leading the way and Nichole walked a few steps behind us. At times Marissa stopped to either check the map or take a picture and she randomly pointed to flowers, birds or butterflies

“I hope I don’t get us lost” Mari said biting her lip after a while

“I thought we were following the map” I raised my eyebrows

“We are but this might have been the wrong path” she told me with some concern.

“As long as we can go back” I said. Getting lost was not something I wanted

“Mh…”

“It´ll be part of the adventure” Nichole said behind us in her calmed tone of voice, we both turned to look at her, she was looking up the trees and had her tiny smile in place. I think her confidence made us relax. I shook my head at how easy that had been I knew both Marissa and I knew how good she was at finding her way. I knew very well that she wouldn’t let us get lost. That I trusted that made me feel a little annoyed.

An hour later we were at the sightseeing deck. It was twice the size of the one at the log house. It was a beautiful place. The sky was blue without clouds. Birds chirped everywhere hidden in the tree tops that were green and yellow. I could see rocky mountains in the distance right in front of us. A click let me know Marissa had taken a picture of me watching the place. I smiled for her and she took another picture.

“It´s your turn” I extended my hand and she gave me the camera and stood still with a smile in place

“Nini, come here!” Mari called Nichole who was behind me watching down leaned on the wooden railing.  She turned around and rolled her eyes

“You come here” she replied and Mari rolled her eyes this time but she went to where Nichole was. Nic extended her hand motioning for the camera

“No, no, no, don’t give it to her –Marissa said- I want a picture with you, you silly” Marissa smiled

“Marissa, no. You know I don’t like getting pictures taken”

“Whatever. Josh, take her picture, please”

“Marissa” Nichole hissed

“Come on!” Marissa tried to hug her with an arm but Nichole moved away

“Mari, no, just no, I´ll take yours and Josh´s”

“Just one, come one, it won´t kill you”

“You´re allowed to draw me if you want” NIc offered with a smirk and Marissa scoffed

“If you stayed still for a second!”

“Can´t help it –she shrugged and took the camera from me- but I´m good at taking pictures” she smiled a mischievous smile as Mari extended her arms to me putting. Nichole took a picture of that and then anther as soon as I stepped next to Marissa and then one when she hugged me. She seemed to like taking picture without letting us know she was about to take them

“One picture, please –Mari pouted- I can´t believe no one has ever taken a picture of you”

“Only if they were going to kill me” Nic shrugged. Marissa frowned and shook her head

“The things you said to not get a picture. Make a better lie” Marissa rolled her eyes. I was almost certain that it was not a lie at all

“I have one and had no murderous intentions” I chuckled at the end, Nichole gasped making Marissa laugh and high five me

“Ha! Good one, tesoro! Now, I deserve one” Marissa pointed a finger at Nichole who sighed and narrowed her eyes at me as she gave me the camera, I shrugged

“Only one” she told me as she leaned against the railing, she had a smirk on face that contrasted with Mari´s happy one

“Now, you too –Marissa came next to me –don’t say no, Nini –Marissa scolded before she could talk –this one´s for lying” she poked her tongue out

“Is this ok by you?” Nichole asked me. It took me aback.

“Yeah” I furrowed my eyebrows. Why wouldn’t it be I thought she wouldn’t want one with me. I went to stand next to her and as soon as I stood there she pushed herself up and sat on the railing very quick. It startled me.

“Jesus! –I exclaimed as I took hold of her hand- you´re gonna fall!”

“I´m fine” she tried to suppress a chuckle

“Get off there” I insisted, it was a high

“If I fall, I´ll fall on my feet” she winked but I didn’t let go of her “You miss took more than one picture so stop it” Nichole said to Marissa who giggled

“They are blurred –she said innocently- plus you can always erase them later, now, look over here and say cheese” Mari instructed as I let go of Nichole bu still looked at her

“Look at the camera boy, I´ll hold on to you” Nic placed her hand on my shoulder. Mari counted up to three

After the pictures we sat down on the deck to just watch the sky, each one of us with a bottle of water and snacks. Nichole was just eating one of those tiny lollipops and had her drawing pad on her bent knees, a blue drawing pencil in her hand, her head slightly tilted to the left, her short hair covering part of her face, her hand moved as her face went from the scenery before us to the paper. I wondered what she was thinking about. I had always wondered what she thought while she draw, it was the only time that I had seen her face completely relaxed. She usually looked calmed but somehow not but when drawing and painting she seemed to be just a girl.

“You went silent on me –Marissa said in a sing-song voice next to me, my eyes expanded a little –what are you thinking?” she smiled her easy smile. I couldn’t help but smile back, all the time, I shook my head

“Your smile´s really contagious” I said still smiling. She blinked once and her smile grew making her eyes become smaller

“You have a nice smile, too. Perfect white teeth” she touched my cheek “Do you like it here?”

“It´s beautiful” I leaned back until my back touched the deck and then I placed my hands under my head and bent my leg. I looked up at the pieces of sky between the leaves of the trees just above us. It was very quiet but not really, the place hummed with its own quiet music directed by the soft breeze

“You go a lot inside your head” Marissa commented looking down at me, she was still sitting down. I wondered if this would be a problem with her eventually, so far she was ok with it but then most of my dates are, they like that I listen but when I didn’t speak enough they didn’t like it either “I think I´m into quiet people –Marissa continued without asking for a reply- this one –she pointed to Nic at her side with her thumb- is always quiet unless I force her to talk, she makes me become a jerk” she laughed quietly. I smiled and nodded a little, you tended to feel like you were forcing her to talk all the time

“Look at her now, I bet she´s pretending she´s not listening –she glanced at the other girl- but you won’t pretend you don’t listen, right?” Mari smiled and touched my arm; I shook my head as reply

“What are you thinking about?” I asked, she smiled

“That you go a lot in your head and that you didn’t tell me what you were thinking” her lips moved in a very gracious way, it seemed to me that every time she said “you” she was about to kiss someone

“Every time you say you, it seems like you´re kissing the air” I told her in almost a whisper, she laughed throwing her head back with delight

“I kiss the air that you breathe” she said it slowly emphasizing the word “you”. I chuckled

“I like that –I smiled showing all my teeth –it´s maybe even song material” I winked

“Don’t you think it was too much?” she smiled and touched her arm

“Nope, I don’t mind impromptu poetry”

“Even the desperate one?” she tilted her head. I chuckled

“It didn’t sound desperate”

“You are very soothing” again Marissa emphasized the word you and I touched her lips lightly with my fingers for a second

“Thank you”

“And you don’t even say much, how do you do it?”

“No idea, maybe it´s you, maybe it´s the place, it´s …soothing here, quiet but not really –I closed my eyes listening to the music of the air caressing the trees- there´s a lot going on” I opened my eyes

“Is it like that in here?” her finger touched my temple. I pondered

“Sometimes”

“What´s happening?” she asked

“The birds are talking” I replied, unsure of whether I meant in my head or around us

“What are they saying?” she followed my lead

“That they like this place -I thought of the waterfall for a second, it made me uneasy but I think I wanted to try, to see how close I could get, I always wanted to start facing that irrational fear but always ended up giving up –they also would like to capture this peace and take it everywhere with them” I finished with eyes closed

“They don’t carry it around with them?”

“I think they forget sometimes… it´s easy to forget with everything else…there´s not many trees in other places where they can find shelter”

“Oh, are they worried about shelter?” Mari frowned a little. I chuckled

“I don’t know what I´m saying anymore” I said truthfully. It had been about me but shelter was not something I thought I lacked of

“No more bird whispered?” she smiled her easy smile

“Oh –she pouted- do you think they´ll understand if I tell them that I have a window sill where they can find shelter any time they want?” her eyes were bright and her smile soft, like her words. I smiled

“I think they got it” I sat up to kiss her but she met me half way so I didn’t fully sit, it was a little like doing crunches

“Great –she smiled and I went back to lying on the floor- I think… mmm I think we´ve ignored Nini…”

“Oh, yeah, that… yeah” my eyes expanded a bit, we´d been talking softly and very close

“Nini…” Marissa started

“Carry on, carina, I´m not feeling left out at all” Nichole said as if distracted. I wonder if she was distracted, she´d basically let us know she´d been listening to our words even if they had been almost whispers. I sat up and looked over Mari at her. She was still with her drawing pad but she was no longer looking at the scenery but just drawing, she was very focused on it.

“Can we, like, have a conversation where the three of us talk?” Marissa said looking to Nichole and back to me. I shrugged my agreement.

“Can´t talk while I draw” Nichole said. Liar, I thought

“Then stop drawing, this is not an assignment”

“Neither´s talking”

“What are you drawing?” I intervened. I felt at that moment that my mind was a computer screen when you click something and some virus makes tons of windows pop up with videos or random stuff. In my mind, several images of me asking that same question popped up. Nichole paused; maybe the same happened to her, maybe not.

“The birds that left before Marissa could take a picture”

“Can I see?” Mari asked. Nic lifted her drawing pad, there were two birds, one next to the other on a thin branch, one was finished made in charcoal, and the other was just starting to be shaded

“They were not like that –I commented- but they´re good” I said, she raised both eyebrows

“Ouch –Marissa winced and laughed- you just stabbed her ego!”

“Oh, I…” I started

“Don’t listen to her” Nichole rolled her eyes, going back to her drawing, I looked at Marissa

“At school she usually gets a ‘ah, you´re talented’ or ‘you´re a natural’ or stuff like that…. Nini was really mad when one of the professors said one of her works was just ‘a good one’” Marissa related, Nichole scoffed

“He didn’t say it was good –she said not looking at us but at the scenery- he said it didn’t have feeling which is an entirely different thing”

“Nini asked for her grade to be revised, made other professors to look at it, she really didn’t want that failing grade” Marissa chuckled

“I thought you didn’t care about grades or taking courses twice” I said. She´d always said she didn’t care but I knew it was not true, she always did the work and did it well

“I don’t care about that but his argument was one I couldn’t respect. He couldn’t grade the feeling of it. You just can’t grade feeling –she made air quotation marks- it was too subjective”

“I thought all art was subjective” I replied

“It is” Mari chuckled

“Yeah –Nichole agreed- but technique is graded, quality and originality as well. That was the criteria to be evaluated at the time, so he didn’t even have that argument there” she lifted her chin a little

“Professor Fleming told her –Mari said- that her technique and finesse were great but that it had no feeling to it, it didn’t produce anything”

“What did you do?” I asked curious and amused

“She made a book; it was a small black leather bound book with three roses, two of them dead and, I think, a melted candle –Mari replied- sorry, Nini, but it wasn’t that good, I never got it. Why did you do that for such assignment?” Mari asked

“What was the assignment?” I inquired

“Something like showing your worst memory in a simple way” Mari explained shaking her head “I guess it was simple, what you did but…I don’t know” she told Nic with a small shrug

“Oh…” I said knowing what that book must have been “Did you get the failing grade?”

“Yes and after that Fleming did his best to get me the lowest possible grades –Nic said and grinned- and I did my best to make him give me the best grades”

“She loves contradicting people” Mari laughed

“It made me improve. It´s been one of my best courses” Nic smirked

“What did you do?” I asked Marissa

“Leaving home –she said and wrinkled her nose a little- but bad memories no more, we should talk about our best one. What´s your happiest memory, tesoro?” she asked, her smile lingered. Both girls looked my way.

"Mhh...-I hummed- my best memory is from the afternoon that my dad gave me my first guitar- I told the girls remembering being surprised that he was home early  -I was about six, maybe seven, I was having troubles in school and didn't want to go anymore" I explained distantly remembering my childhood heart aches. After my accident I hadn't been the same but I hadn't noticed until that week but it´s not like I have that many recollections of the first few years after my accident, only glimpses come to me from time to time, it's the feeling of what I lived and the nightmares that are the most vivid.

"My grandpa who always got me to do the unpleasant things -I shook my head clearing it from the double pain that thinking of Alexander caused me with the two opposite faces he had- like taking medicines, going to the doctor, eating my lunch, things like that –I explained- at that time, he just couldn't make speak of what was wrong so one day my dad came home and...” I smiled down to the floor remembering that afternoon.

“Hi son” My dad had said smiling to me

“You´re early, daddy” I had been surprised it wasn´t a usual occurrence that he came home before seven. I hadn’t known that mom had asked him to talk to me.

“I had a good day so I decided I could come talk to you – he sat next to me and slung an arm on my shoulder- we closed a great deal, money straight to your college fund –he chuckled- I had some problems while doing it, obstacles but I knew I could work it out. Do you know why I knew?” I had been excited that he was speaking to me about his day and that he had asked for my opinion

 “Because you’re good at what you do” I had repeated what my mom had always said and that had earned me a chuckle and squeeze

“That´s true but remember when mom wanted to redecorate the kitchen? –Six or seven year old me nodded- remember what happened when I moved the furniture?” he´d asked and I had laughed

“You broke the water pipe and mom was angry. She had to pick me up”

“Yeah –he had grimaced- and I couldn’t make it stop and ended up leaving us without water until the guy came. He was good at his job, don’t you think?”

“Yes, mom was happy”

“Yes, she was. Remember later that day the other guys came to help her make things pretty?”

“Yeah but Aaron and I helped, we picked the colors with mom” It had been important for me at the time that he remembered that we had helped

“Yes, of course you did –I almost laughed remembering how he laughed quietly and rustled my hair before speaking again- but I didn’t and that is because I´m not good at that. You see, son, I am very good at what I do but I´m very bad at other things, just like mom is very good at being a doctor but is very bad at closing deals, you too, are going to be good at some things and bad at others” he´d said as he touched my shoulder with his hand

“But I´m bad at everything –I replied- I´m the dumb twin –I cried bitter and angry tears.- Aaron is much better, he´s smarter and…” I had been in a different class, with much less requirements, less classes. I hadn’t noticed until it had been pointed out to me by the kids in Aaron´s class. Some kids can be mean to others; I had ended up believing they had been right about me.

“No, Joshua, that is not true –my dad had stopped me. I had seen how knowing what was wrong had hurt him too- You´re twins but you´re different and that is alright. We love you for who you are and we love your brother for who he is. Now, Josh, sometimes things are harder for some people, life puts more obstacles in their life, accidents happen –he had stopped to clear his throat- but that just means you are and you´ll be stronger –he hugged me tightly- you’re a fighter” He´d told me and I had just stared down at my lap not feeling strong at all

"He told me I just had to try my hardest because no one's good when they are just starting something new” I told the girls a short version of his speech but I remembered every single word dad had told me that afternoon

“It takes time to get good at things. When I was your age –he´d continued- I wasn’t good at closing deals, I lost money before I got good at it and mom puked at the sight of blood, she could´ve said she going to be a bad doctor, don’t you think? But she and I tried our best at everything until we figured out what we were good at and didn’t let what we weren’t good at make us sad. You just have to try your very best, just like you do everyday”

“Then he asked me to wait and went to get something, an old black acoustic guitar. He played a very complicated song and told me that when he was my age he couldn’t do it. I had just stared –I chuckled looking at the two girl looking attentively back at me- He touched a string -I took my guitar and touched the string he had touched- and asked me if that sounded like music, I said it didn't, then he played something like this -I played a small progression, just a few chords- and asked me if that sounded like music"

"Awww" Mari cooed, Nic's eyes were intense as if she was memorizing my every move. I smiled at Mari before continuing with my story

"I told him it did, and he explained that he wasn't good at it before but life was like playing the guitar, you keep practicing and trying until you get it right, until you get what you want” –I remembered he´d said to notice how one string along with the others made music, that life was the same, at first it might not be music but with time and practice it sounded like music, a melody you were good at. Dad told me I had been good at reminding him that he liked playing the guitar, which he hadn't played since I had been born.

“To never forget there´s always a new song to learn, but, that you have to remember that if you can't play the guitar there's always other instruments to make music" I related to the girls my dad speech and chuckled, I had been distracted by his skill and the shiny black guitar that I hadn't understood the full meaning of his word but they had always stayed in my mind.

"You make beautiful music, tesoro, with everything you touch" Mari touched my arm and smiled her easy smile

"Thank you -I smiled back- I got my first guitar that day and I decided I was going to be good at that –I shook my head- My dad and I practiced every weekend and every night he could come home early, in a while I was able to play the complicated song that wasn’t really complicated at all” I said

"Do you still have it?" Nichole asked in her quiet voice, it surprised me that she showed interest more than with only her eyes on me

"Yeah, it's in the basement in my parent's house" I replied

"Did you go back to school" Marissa asked me “Did it get better?”

"I went back for a while. But I didn't finish that year, I mean, I did finish it just differently, I was home schooled for a few years after that" I explained when Mari widened her eyes and Nichole stiffened "different instruments -I shrugged- but that's where I got my love for music and my liking of this one” I started to play the chords accompanied by some whistling like in the song

                “….take it slow

It'll work itself out fine

All we need is just a little patience

Said, sugar, make it slow

And we´ll come together fine

All we need is just a little patience…” To my surprise they both joined me on that portion of the song and whenever they knew the lyrics.

"Great as always!" Mari clapped her hands once I stopped singing

"It was a nice story -Nichole said with a small smile, not the one I knew was her real one but it didn't seem a rehearsed one either but I couldn’t tell because it quickly became a smirk- stubborn, I mean, persistent you was born there"

"Nini!" Mari pushed Nic away

"It's a compliment, carina" there was humor in her voice, I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"You remind me of Aaron -I told her- he can't stay mature for too long and you can't stay nice" I narrowed my eyes for effect but I knew she was afraid of letting even a glimpse of nice feelings coming from her, I felt like I had known her enough to be sure or maybe it was just the memory of our friendship in the past that didn’t let me stay mad at her

"I'm a monster" she winked in both Mari and my direction

"Uuh! -Mari laughed- I don’t think so, I think you found your match, Nini."

"No one bits me at that"

"It's been two times already" Mari said in a sing song voice, I chuckled, when had Nic been teased before?

"Josh's too nice to put in my place" she laughed quietly as she look at the scenery in front of us

"My instruments are others. My strategy instead is deeper and simpler" I winked after quoting a verse of a poem that had come to mind out of the blue, one that she´d shown me. I didn't have many memories of the time after my accident but I did have many of my teenager years. I had first heard that poem on a day after one of our Art club meetings in which as usual she and I had stayed behind. Maybe because I had let my mind take me back to my memories, it automatically too me back to this one too and I felt in the spacious room filled with easels and musical instruments

 "Are you going to stay here?" I had asked, she hadn't made an attempt to go but had kept working on her canvas

"Yeah" it was when she replied my questions, the easy ones at least

"Ok –my memory showed me I had motioned to go and had turned back- did you do the homework about the poem already?" we’d been studying poetry, metric and famous poets; it was our assignment to emulate them.

"Nope" her eyes had stayed on the canvas in front of her. I made a face

"I hate this assignment" I had groaned

"Don't do it then"

"Right, 'cause that's an option"

"It is"

"But you'll do it, won't you?" I had been sure she’d do it, as she always did.

"That doesn't matter, I don't hate the assignment but I won't do it if I don’t feel like it" she had shrugged a little

"I don't believe that, you never fail to do your homework"

"I feel like doing it" she'd taken a diff paintbrush

"That's the same thing" I had rolled my eyes, given up on standing and sat on the stool I had been using. I had been procrastinating.

"Nope, it’s a different tactic and strategy. My tactic is to be honest… My strategy instead is deeper and simpler…”

"Eh? You lost me there…" I had furrowed my eyebrows. She fought a smile

"That's a poem that just popped into my head; it's on the news board in the classroom"

"And you've memorized it?" I had chuckled, only Nichole Cristales would´ve done such thing "what else does it say?" I had thought she wouldn't tell me but after dipping her brush on pain and not making a stroke on the canvas, she had turned on her stool to face me and spoke the lines of the poem in her soft calm voice as she balanced the paintbrush between her gloved fingers, a drop of paint threatened to fall to the floor but she moved her wrist so that it wouldn't fall but that made the turquoise paint get too close to her burgundy gloves that matched our uniform.

“My tactic is to stay in your memory,

I don't know how

Nor with what pretext

But stay within you…” as she had recited she´d played with the drop of paint and I had seen rhythm in the movement and had heard music in the golden light entering the room through the windows. I had felt a beat in the poem like it had a heart.

“My tactic is to be honest

And know you are too

And that we don't sell each other illusions

So that between us there is no curtain or abyss

My strategy instead is

Deeper and simpler.

My strategy is that some day

I don't know how,

nor with what pretext

That finally you need me”  I had picked my guitar and played an improvised melody for the words she had spoken, had made a sign so that she said it again as I perfected the sounds, and when it ended and I wrapped up the melody, the drop of paint had fallen to the floor

"You write poetry all the time, play it..." the Nichole in my memory had nodded towards my guitar

"It's not the same, I don't go for numbers, measures, metric, whatever and… I don’t t always work with rhymes, my rhymes are not...they don't follow numbers, they're not… stiff" I furrowed my eyebrows

"You just made poetry; followed the metric. Different strategy" she had winked and turned back to her canvas. I hadn’t had an instant epiphany with an amazing and perfect poem but the next class I had sung my poem. My teacher had loved my creativity and strategy. By the end of that day I had printed and pasted the poem on the inside of my binder. It had reminded of the time dad had taught me the song Patience.

A memory can be relived in the blink of an eye, such was the case with this memory, no time had passed yet I had gone back to the past but in reality I had just quoted the verse of the poem and Nic had just looked away after looking into my eyes for a second too long. Mari was laughing oblivious that such line had taken me back in time.

"Ah, ragazza, he’s got you" Mari giggled and hugged me with one arm

"Funny" Nic said in her usual monotone

"I agree –Marissa teased as I laughed quietly- , this will be my new best memory" she poked her tongue out at Nic

"And the old one is...?" Nic prompted

 “Mmmm… well…after Josh´s beautiful, inspirational story, mine sounds kinda selfish…” Marissa wrinkled her nose

“It´s subjective, if it makes you happy, it´s happy” I winked; Marissa narrowed her eyes a little and a smile tugged at Nichole´s mouth

“Nini, you go first –Mari said- and don’t say no!” she pointed a finger to Nic who rolled her eyes but gave up with a dramatic sigh, dramatic for her.

“It´s not inspirational either –Nichole started- but one of the better times I´ve had was when Mike, my arts teacher, took one of my paintings to the teacher’s meeting. They chose among other art works made by students to be placed in one of the library halls. I was –she closed her eyes- happy when mine was chosen” her half smile showed in her face

“Which one?” I asked. I knew that by the time she left Burgeoys there were a few of her paintings in not only one of the school libraries

“Your teachers hung your work on the library? That’s so cute!” Marissa smiled

“More than cute, carina, it was a big honor to have one of your works next to a Monet or Kandinsky. It´s something that hasn’t happened again”

“Was this school a museum too?” Marissa raised both eyebrows and looked at both of us

“They had famous art works in the libraries and the art building” Nichole explained

“And the office buildings” I added. Mari shook her head

“An eye of my face wouldn’t have been enough to pay a month of education at your rich kids school, I bet –Mari said- but Nini, it´s so cool that you were good even back then” she smiled at the other girl

“It was Ash´s portrait on the road, the one that got chosen” Nichole chose to answer my question. I nodded my acknowledgement; Nichole and Aaron had ‘met’ under that portrait, under that one he´d broken his nose after tripping on her leg

“Ash? Who´s Ash?” Marissa looked between me and Nic

“Ashley, a friend –Nic said- now, talk” she smirked. I chuckled, I knew it was not a lie but I was sure she´d said the guy´s name to avoid saying who he was

“I guess this will be fine… it´s similar to yours –Mari nodded to Nic- my happiest one is from when I was 17, I had just left home and had no idea what to do with my life, I had nowhere to go, no one to go to –she shrugged- On a park, where me met –she looked at Nic- I made my first cartoon and I got my first client, after about a week of being there –she chuckled- I had been homeless for a week. Guess who was my first client? It was Anton –she didn’t wait for us to give an answer- he bought my first cartoon, took me to his house, scolded me for leaving home but didn’t send me back. He bought me pencils, paint, paper and an easel and above all he hung my cartoon of him in his living room. My brother supported me, he believed in me or at least he tried –she giggled- that´s the happy part, by the way” she finished smiling to the floor

“It´s a good story” I stroked her back

“The beginning of a dream” Nichole winked

“Yeah, look where you´re now” I hugged her and she beamed

“Look where we all are” Marissa chuckled and kissed my cheek


****
links:
Tactics and Strategy by Mario Benedetti  
Guns N' Roses Patience

Through my Eyes: Eyes on you

A/N: Originally I had planned that this part would include the first part of their plans but just now when I was going to modify some J memory it felt rigth to leave it where it stops, even if it makes it a short post

The place where they´re going... ha! it´s important, not bc of the story but it´s in both of my current stories now so yay! 

I wonder how this one will feel after the one before, this is the start of the 'woods trip' that I´ve been wanting to get to. I´m very nervous about it, so nervous but as always it hasnt been edited, who needs that? -right-

Some italian there... 

*Ti voglio bene troppo: I love you

*Ti prego perdonami: please, forgive me

******

“Tesoro, I want to take you somewhere, are you free this weekend?” Mari and I were eating out just talking about our day

“Where do you want to go?” I inquired as she sipped her red wine

“It´s kind of a surprise…” Marissa smiled and looked at me through her long lashes

“Darling… -I started- you know I don’t like surprises”

“I know, I know but I promise you´ll like this one” she leaned in closer

“I´m sure I´ll like it better if I know what we´re doing” I insisted

“Trust me, tesoro, you´ll like it” she took my hand. Trust… I trusted her but I just couldn’t trust myself to be ok if we went to certain places “But if you must know –she sighed heavily as if defeated but laughed afterwards- we´ll just go sightseeing. You like that, don’t you?”

“Yeah… What are we going to see?”

“Josh!” she pouted

“I´m just curious and impatient” I winked

“I know, but I want to surprise you even if a little, a good surprise like the kind you always give me” she said in a soft voice with a shy smile on her face. The kind I gave her would be a concert, a song played for her, walking through a park, sightseeing, a nice dinner like tonight. I could do it I thought

“Ok –I smiled- what time do you want me at your place?”

“Eight in the morning on Saturday” she beamed

At eight o´clock the next Saturday I parked on the vacant space next to the jeep in which Marissa was loading a picnic basket.

“Good morning” I went over to Marissa

“Buongiorno, tesoro” we greeted with a small kiss, when I opened my eyes a second later I saw Nichole standing a few feet away from us; she was standing very still. I stared perhaps standing as still as her. Mari looked up at me and then turned around

“Sorpresa! Surprise!” Marissa smiled from Nic to me

“Did you know about this?” Nic asked me with a raised eyebrow

“Nope” I shook my head as Mari giggled

“Ah! I thought you´d suspect, especially you –she motioned to Nic- you guys are not upset about the three of us going together, are you?” Marissa asked a little hesitant looking from me to Nic

“I don´t mind” Nich said at once throwing her backpack on the trunk of the jeep. That was a surprise to me

“It´s ok –I smiled, it was unexpected and who knew how it´d be to hang out outside their apartment with no TV to pretend being deaf to the rest- so, we´re going in this one?” I nodded toward the jeep

“Yeah, it´ll be better, I think” Marissa told me and went with me to get my things, a backpack and a guitar

“I´ll drive” Marissa extended her hand to Nichole to get the keys

“In your dreams” Nic snorted and got in the driver´s side of the car

“Then Josh and I will leave you all alone there” she poked her tongue out and we got in the back of the car

“See if I care” Nichole said with a straight face but with humor in her voice.

We stopped on a coffee shop on the way. I hadn’t had breakfast and neither had Marissa, she´d insisted in going alone so that I didn’t insist in paying since according to her this trip was her idea so it was her treat to us for making her feel welcome and cared for. Whenever she said stuff like that it hit me that she didn’t know many people, she was very far from home and had been away from family and friends for a long time. I couldn’t imagine what it´d be like to be isolated like that.

“Do you know where we´re going?” I reclined my back against my seat and looked at Nic through the rear view mirror, she looked back at me in the same fashion

“Vukasin Natural Reserve” she replied pulling a map out of the side pocket of Marissa´s backpack on the floor

“She told you!” it made me a little resentful, she hadn’t wanted to tell me

“I made her, she was unwilling to tell me” Nic unfolded the map

“You made her?” I wondered exactly what that meant, Nic shrugged

“I wouldn’t come unless she told me –she explained examining the map. I guessed it was like her to make such a bargain and to not retreat from it until she got what she wanted- she´s chosen two places, one, I think, for you and one for me” Nic passed me the map. It had a marked path that led to two circles, one was a sightseeing deck of sorts and the other was a waterfall. I groaned closing my eyes.

“Ever done rock climbing?” Nichole turned to see me. I frowned, she pulled the map down a little to be able to see it too “There´s this rock climbing site opposite the waterfall…” she explained making an invisible line with her finger from the first location away from the waterfall to the climbing place. I cleared my throat.

“Don’t you want to see the waterfall?” I should´ve just said yes to the rock climbing

“I´ve seen it before”

“Have you seen the rocks before?” I asked, she shrugged

“You can see them from the sightseeing deck”

“I meant…”

“The waterfall´s beautiful –she interrupted me- the river´s wide. There is sort of flat land on the sides, several feet of it but there is a slope before that, there isn’t a way to slip in by accident though” she looked outside the window towards the coffee shop door as it opened and some woman came out with a child

“Have you ever been inside the river?”

“Yeah, the water´s pretty cold, I´ve never crossed it though, it´s deep but the current´s not that strong unless you get closer to the waterfall” she explained and I closed my eyes, I was sure Marissa would want to get inside and close to said waterfall “Rock climbing´s kinda hard but I don’t think you´ll have any trouble at it…”

“Mari won’t let you change her plans…” I interrupted this time. Marissa seemed to get away with things even with Nichole

“This is for me. I wanna go rock climbing” she shrugged as if it was really because she wanted it and not because of me. The knowledge both made me grateful and angry

“If I hadn’t come you´d go to the waterfall” I said dryly

“You´re here”

“And you´ll do this for me? Out of kindness or pity?”

“You don’t have to go to places you dislike” she said softly as if comforting, I narrowed my gaze

“I´ll be fine” I rolled my eyes. I was insane.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah”

“100% sure?” she asked again and I snapped

“I said it´s fine –I scoffed- you don’t have to take care of me now. I don’t need it. You were away for two years; don’t you think I had to deal with things like this while you were gone? You´re not my babysitter” I practically growled and quickly, roughly folded the map and threw it on the passenger seat to my left. Nichole tugged some invisible hair behind her ear

“It´s just one less…to deal with –soft almost placating tone- just remember there´s an alternative” she adjusted herself on the seat and opened the map that she´d taken from my side. I was being stupid and stubborn; she was right, I didn’t have to deal with it, in any other time I would’ve done whatever necessary to get out of going there

“Hey –Marissa came back before I could think about what to do next, she gave me the bags she was carrying- is everything ok?” she looked between Nic and me. I must´ve been frowning, Nichole looked back at her; she was the picture of calmness

“What took you so long?” Nic asked and I composed myself

“Sorry but the place was full! Here” she gave Nic a coffee cup

“Thanks, Carina” Nic threw the map, perfectly folded on the passenger seat

“Nichole Cristales, don’t tell me you saw that map!” Marissa pointed a finger to Nichole

“I didn’t see the map, carina” a smirk on her face

“Liar! –Mari accused- it was supposed to be a surprise, Nichole, why…?” Marissa sighed with exasperation

“I´ll act surprised once we get there, I promise” her smirk grew. We were on our way now

“Did you see it too?” Marissa looked at me with upturned lips like it really made her sad that her surprise was no longer a surprise

“I´m sorry”

“It was my fault –Nic snickered- I showed it to him”

“Of course you did, you jerk” Marissa narrowed her eyes and glared at Nichole who grinned

“Ti voglio bene troppo, carina” Nichole said with humor in her voice

“No points on that, it sucked, I´m mad at you” Mari crossed her arms over her chest

“Ti prego perdonami, tesoro” Nic said making puppy eyes, something I had never seen before

“No! You spoiled the surprise”

“What if I surprise you?” Nic grinned, Mari snorted “There is a rock climbing spot, the distance´s the same from the sightseeing deck. Didn’t you want to try that?”

“But that´s opposite the waterfall, you love waterfalls”

“The water will be cold” Nichole said looking back at us through the rear view mirror for a second. Mari snorted

“You made me go to a frozen lake and now you have a problem with cold water? No, stop, don’t try to do this for me –Mari shook her head. I furrowed my eyebrows, Marissa thought the change of plans was because of her and I thought it was for me- this is about you, doing something that you like, not something I want to do. We´re going to the waterfall thing”

“Ha! As if I ever do anything for you. This is for my own entertainment” Nichole said in her monotone. I don’t think neither Marissa nor I believed it

“We´re going as planned” Marissa rolled her eyes; Nichole caught my eyes for a second on the rear view mirror and then shrugged. 

Goodbye

I'm sorry mom. I just can't keep going. I don't want this life anymore. I'm sad all the time, wishing it was the end that never comes, I finally have the courage to bring it to me. You're sad and maybe I broke you with this. I didn't mean to hurt you though I know I've done just that. Please don't blame this on you. You are perfect, the best mother and teacher that anybody could wish for. It's just me. Please carry on, my bro needs you and my niece as well and you just light the world so don't let me bring you down. I'm sure I'll finally be happy where I'm going. Mom you are my all, my anchor, my life, my very best friend. I always valued the connection and closeness we had. I could tell you so much but I know I don't need to, you know I love you as much as you love me. Mom, you have no idea how hard you make this, have done it many times over. If I've stayed around it's been for you, your help and constant love and it's not that now it's less or less important for me, it's just that I'm very tired, so tired and I have been for a long time, you know that right? It's not your fault, my beautiful. Nothing was your fault. Too bad I won't know who my niece became. I know she'll be great though. Tell her that I loved her deeply. My baby bro will be mad at me, I know, I'd be too if it was the other way around, you're my soul Jo, I love you always. I always admired you, your faith and strength, your pure heart despite your wild nature. I'm so proud of you bc you prove everybody wrong, you became a great man and a great dad. Keep on being amazing. Thank you for all the great memories, you truly are my best friend. I wanna tell you so much and over and over that I love you. I'll miss your hugs so much and your jokes and how awesome you are. Don't let me bring you down, you're infinite times better than what I'll ever be. I felt loved, dad, your love for me since before I even existed was a protecting wall that I had. Thank you. You're my dad and no matter what I'll always love you. Memories of us together are very important for me. If not for you I wouldn't have the values I had, maybe I wouldn't have been a feminist, one that believed in equality and in being independent, you taught me that it didn't matter if I wanted things different or if I was different, that was even better. I know you were always proud of me, I was always proud of your success too, you're one of the smartest men I've ever met. Thank you so much for teaching me about god and faith and heaven, it's the best gift you could have given me. My family, my all. Outside you, nothing existed. I love you. If after my selfish actions I can ask you a favor it'll be to let know my friends that they were important, stars in a dark sky, even if I never said it but I felt loved by them as well. They taught me so many things. Bes, my very first friend, Xiomi always very patient, Cecy my bff, one that knew me well, I admire her faith, she's so smart. I only had one new friend in college and she totally won my heart, I wish her happiness. These women are so amazing, strong and independent, the best. I'll never forget them. I think in rl I sort of only have one guy friend, the most positive of ppl always trying to make me laugh, I thank him for always remembering my bday even if I forgot his. There are a couple of friends that I've never met in person but that feel as close, I cherish and appreciate them a lot. Saku with her great heart and patience. I'm always making her mad but she's so cool that always let's go of that, it was always so easy to talk to her and wow it was so great to share our writings, I probably never said it but her comments on my stuff made me feel anxious and giddy, her opinion was important for me. I'd never know how to thank her for being my sole companion in the times I felt alone and broken. There is one boy, years younger than me but wow he's admirable, so strong and focused. I know he'll do the great things he plans. I couldn't be more proud of him. I never met Matty in real life but I think we both wished it. I need to thank him for giving me the strength to finally accept all of me, to stop ignoring and hiding sides of me and though I'm always quiet about everything that has to do with myself, those who matter know me and that was something Matty helped me with. If he was such a great kid, I know he'll be a great man. This is a goodbye but it only makes it all harder by reminding me of the moments of light in the darkness, by reminding me of the people I love, my angels. If only I could make it better, I'm sorry to disappoint you all. I know most of you will think so much less of me, think of me as a coward and selfish person. It's alright, I won't contradict you. I'm tired, so tired. All I want to do is sleep forever. All of you are so amazing. Thank you for seeing me. Until we meet again, my lovelies and friends.

******

btw,I havent done anything...still around and all, writing this letter only had the effect of snapping out of the crisis I was in... not that things are perfect now but I´ll still b around for now

Over the Moon: Cherished Olivia

Someone named Marcia Baldwin signed this pic. I found it online and it´s amazing and perfect for what I imagine Dani´s wolf form to be and the look in his eyes as well and I think the way this pix was made is perfect for this post.

Cherished Olivia,

                I am thinking of you, trying to imagine what you might be doing now. Probably resting, I really hope so, maybe soon you´ll be reading this letter. I am sorry to inconvenience you with it but I couldn’t find another way to reach you.

                Lately I´ve been thinking of regrets, I think I’m probably too young or too careless to have many regrets but one thing that I deeply regret is having hurt you that first time I met you, well, second time, do you remember the first time we ever saw each other? At this very moment I can see your smile in my mind. I can only hope that you let me explain one day why I did it. If you can believe in my word, I promise you that I´ll do whatever necessary to make it up to you, even if it take ´till the end of my life.

                Oli, you are a great cook. I´ve enjoyed every single meal I´ve had at your place; your left-over burritos are brilliant, I´d pay to eat those any day. I have to say though that your singing isn’t that good though. Forgive my honesty. I´ve been trying to find the songs you sung the other day, despite what I said before, they sounded calmed and nice but I don’t seem to find them anywhere, that´s most likely because I didn’t really understood a word of them.

                Olivia, you have a beautiful name, it´s nice to say it, it sounds green, the kind of green of the orange tree that we planted. I bet it´ll be awesome when the tree blossoms, it´s a great smell… I keep thinking of you.

                                                                              Yours always,

                         Daniel Covin.

Olivia had ignored the letter for three days before even attempting to look at it, then she opened the envelope but didn’t read it, it been in her mind through the day, showing itself in the unoccupied times of her day so on the fifth night, Olivia took the letter to her bedroom, closed the door as if she wanted to keep it a secret from the rest of the empty house that she was reading the man´s letter.

Once she opened it, she closed her eyes tight for a couple of seconds and then read. She frowned at the greeting but kept reading. The part about her cooking and singing had made her laugh, albeit reluctant but still real. She disliked the part about the orange blossoms, he´d mentioned he had one and apparently he liked that smell, she didn’t want to have anything in common with the man even if it was something so inconsequential. The way he signed troubled her majorly.  She didn’t want him and he was saying he was hers and in some weird way it was like she could tell he meant it, it hadn’t been for show or to flatter her, it was a fact for him. Olivia rolled her eyes at her thoughts.

Olivia was biting her lip hard enough to draw blood when she got to the end of the small letter all written in capital squared letters. She stood up and sat down, scratched her ear, put the letter away and pick it up again. No one had ever taken the time to write her anything for the sake of communicating thoughts related to her in any way. It was the first real letter she´d ever received. “Well, in this day and age writing a letter is antiquated” she said out loud and smiled shaking her head. Silly old fashioned things like that had always been favorite things in the back of her mind. She shook her head again as if sending the thoughts back to the back of her head and then tossed the letter and the envelope in a drawer, under random papers with the intention to forget all about it.

A week passed went by. What Daniel knew happened: there was no response to the letter he´d sent Olivia and though he hadn’t been expecting one he still felt some disappointment about it. He didn’t write another letter. The day Daniel showed to Olivia's door on the day prior to the full moon he didn’t see a sign of the letter; Olivia didn’t say anything about it either.

"Hello, Olivia" he greeted her with the idiotic grin he always got when he saw her, she looked beautiful in that black dress with sunflowers pattern

"Hi" she moved away opening the door for him, he'd arrived at around 3 in the afternoon again. He placed the bags of food and ingredients on the kitchen and his bag on the floor, near the bathroom door.

"Did you get the paint for the doors? -he asked not wanting to be doing nothing- I can start with the front door today" last time when he´d checked all the house for the repairs they´d agreed that she could start with the smaller and urgent. The most urgent was the roof but it was also the most expensive so she needed to start saving but in the meantime the smaller ones would be done. One of the smaller ones was fixing the doors; some that didn’t close properly, most creaked. The walls needed painting but the plaster needed to be fixed first, parts of it removed and reapplied.

"You really don’t have to do these things" Olivia looked troubled

"I don’t mind at all, I should do something since you let me stay and cook for me" he gave her reasons

"I guess..." She said but she still felt like she was taking advantage of him "ok" she said finally after some thought. This was the guy that had kidnapped her, he should be useful, make it up for what he´d done in some way. It didn’t feel entirely right but she needed help and he could do it and he was offering it, so why not? She told herself.

Daniel changed to his work clothes and started with the front door, he had to fix the creaking and clean it before painting it, still he managed to work on the kitchen door, the one that opened to the backyard and started on the folding ones that divided the kitchen from the dining room before the early dinner that they always had when he came. Olivia had made crepes, both salty and sweet. So he’d been given two different plates.  He'd brought vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and strawberries and those were the sweet crepes filling ingredients and the meat was part of the filling of the salty ones.

"You are not eating sweet crepes?" Dani asked once she came back to the kitchen to serve the other dish, she´d only taken a bowl of vanilla ice cream and had poured coke on it

"I’m allergic to strawberries" she explained

"Aw! I’m sorry. I didn’t know"

"It´s fine" she shook her head a bit as she went out of the kitchen.

When Daniel went up to the attic for the night, he noticed that once again she'd placed a clean blanket and a bowl of water; he smiled despite the pain of the first spasms that signaled the change was happening. He quickly got rid of his clothes and soon after his body started the process of shifting from human form to a wolf. Olivia didn’t shout to him to shut up that night even if he couldn’t help but sniff and scratch at the door and floor. He could smell the negative feelings towards him on her which only cause little whining noises and barking escape his control. She turned on her music and after that she fell asleep pretty quick and that was soothing to the werewolf because the smell of aggression and dislike was no longer there but the scent of his mate dreaming. He knew they were good dreams when her scent laced with happiness and peace. It lolled him to sleep.

Olivia opened the door of her attic at around seven thirty in the morning. She didn’t understand why the man didn’t use the couch to sleep but instead chose to sleep on the floor; on top of the blanket she'd left for him instead of using it to cover his naked body. She didn’t paused before opening, she shouldn´t have to, she´d excused herself but she still wished she had knock on the door before opening because even if it had been only a glance before she turned her face away with hot cheeks se still couldn’t help but notice the way the man´s skin stretched over his back muscles and how his spine marked the planes of his back. She couldn’t help but think that he had the body of someone that despite being lean could lift heavy things; someone that was active maybe that's was why... Oli groaned; cursing herself for even letting herself glance at the man's form, at this said man stirred.

"Good morning" Daniel said with a breathy deep voice that complimented nicely the beautiful smile he had. His long black hair cascaded over his shoulders as he stood up

"'G'morning" she mumbled and sighed with annoyance at herself and at the situation and decided to just walk away to the kitchen. It was unlikely that he´d be waiting to attack her since he had had many opportunities already.

"Don’t like oatmeal?" Oli raised both eyebrows when she saw Daniel's disappointed face; she'd made it as he took a shower.

"Ah..." Dani didn’t know what to say, he didn’t want to upset her, she laughed quietly

"It's good for your belly -she had a laugh in her voice and amusement laced in her scent- and –she stared at him with a serious face but the amusement didn’t leave her -it's all that there is for breakfast"

"Ok" he looked appalled

"There are still some strawberries and bananas in the fridge, you could eat that, make a milkshake if you really don’t like oatmeal" Oli suggested.  She hated to be forced to eat things she didn’t want when she was little so she didn’t want to do that to people. If you didn’t like something, you didn’t like it.

"I'll try this" Dani half smiled, not wanting to waste what Oli had made.

"Ok" she exited the kitchen. He ate the oatmeal; it was not that he didn’t like the taste but the texture and look of it, no matter who made it, wasn´t appealing to him.

That day Daniel fixed most of the doors and painted most of them. The one that he didn’t touch was the one in Oli's room, she'd said she'd do it herself. "It looks pretty good" Oli complimented with a smile and the sweet smell of gratitude all around her

"Good" he said. That afternoon she made cookies, peanut cookies, really good ones. He loved them

"You are a great cook!" He complimented her when he tasted them

"Thank you" she said with a tiny smile

Cherished Olivia,

Tonight I’m thinking of you again. Will you read this letter? I don’t know if you read the last one. I thought I wouldn’t want to write any more but it feels like a good way to reach you even if it doesn’t do it in the end.

                Are you cold, Oli? Joel, my brother, well, he´s actually my cousin but we´ve always been more like brothers, anyway, we talked earlier and he told me it’s windy at Woodhills tonight. I know it can get cold pretty quick in the woods. I hope you are warm, under many blankets. The temperature has dropped a little out here too, in the city, I mean, where I live or sort of live, I still consider Woodhills my home even if I spend most of my time over here because of school.

                I´m using your ribbon now, my rubber band broke, I´ll give it back next time I see you. I might get a haircut, maybe it´s time; most of the people whose opinion matter to me dislike it. I think you might be one of those who dislike it as well. I guess that makes sense, yours is really short after all, it suits you. You mentioned my dyed hair again, the truth is that I never really liked it blond, it´s silly but the guys in my family have dark hair, my two sisters do have it light, so yeah, can you see why I get it black?

                I’m procrastinating with this letter. I need to go back to my paper soon. What’s your favorite hot beverage? Random, I know, I don’t really remember what´s the proper way to write a letter. I bet I´m screwing many writing rules. Have a great week Olivia.

                                                Yours always,

                                                                      Daniel Covin

"No, I don’t dislike your hair -Oli thought as she rolled her eyes when she read Dani's letter- in fact..." She grumbled to herself and threw the paper away in the drawer. She didn´t want to admit that she liked it, it suit him. Absentmindedly she started to picture him in his natural hair color and she laughed. His dog-self had light brown fur, golden with just some sprinkles of black on top. Was that the dye?  

She had not been expecting another letter. It had been a coincidence to find it, she´d check the mailbox because it was around the time that the electricity and water bills came. The letter had been there for a few days; it´d been slightly damp and stained with the rust of the mailbox. She’d considered letting it there and pretend she´d never seen it but after a minute she’d decided to take it and get rid of it properly. She hadn’t been able to throw it away though; it had felt rude not to at least open it before but “that´s like doing what he wants” she´d thought with annoyance. For a while she´d let it on the coffee table and then moved it to the kitchen because it taunted her but then in its new location it did too. After a day or two of avoiding it, she´d taken it to her room and opened it after closing the door.

Oli lay on her bed watching the ceiling, it was old with flower patterns carved in wood painted white that now looked gray, all of it surrounded by molding with similar patterns. The words of the letter seemed to be written on her mind. It felt like the wolf-man had wanted to make each word to say so much more than it could say. “Maybe that´s just my imagination” Olivia sighed. After a few minutes she took the letter again and read it again, skimmed it, stopping for a second on the paragraph before the last, not reading the words but just seeing the strokes of ink.  He´d said before that black hair had more personality, he´d mentioned the difference between his sibling´s hair color, he´d said his brother was not his brother but his cousin, he called chief Covin, dad but Ale had said it was his uncle… it was like a puzzle. She could ask Alejandro about it, he probably knew but that might be some family business and it would be disrespectful to ask anyway and if she asked the wolf-man he might get the idea that she wanted to get to know him which she didn’t think she want. He seemed and felt harmless but you never knew with strangers but then if he stopped being a stranger and still turned out to be a bad man… that´d be something she wouldn’t forgive herself for, being too naïve. She had to be careful, she was all alone in the world, there was no one looking after her.

Olivia felt a lot like she was now a werewolf too, in the most annoying ways, although for what she´d experienced there was nothing pleasant about the whole thing, it was not that she´d been bitten and had suddenly transform into an animal; everybody –Daniel, Covin and Alejandro- had assured her that she was not in danger of being turned but she couldn’t keep that worry away, for all she knew it might be their plan. It was more than a little worrisome but worries apart, it was more annoying to be reminded that she was in the middle of a myth town where myths were true and there was nothing romantic or fairy tale-like about it. She had to live for a few days with a werewolf that kept her awake at night and that she had to feed during the day and keep occupied because he didn’t seem to like to just sit around and contemplate life. She couldn’t really complain about what he occupied himself with, it was beneficial for her and truth to be told, she didn’t mind cooking and he brought his own food, more than necessary even but that she had to do it without having agreed to it bothered her, sure she´d agreed to him staying there but only because there was the possibility of him harming someone else, she´d been under pressure and the pressure of her decision became more apparent as the moon grew. Olivia didn’t really know how it worked but what before had been a beautiful night wonder was now the bringer of a myth, an overgrown wolf with the ways of a puppy that she couldn’t trust because he was a man, some kind of human and human can show many faces but she did her best to live her life without the influence of what the moon now meant for her but the letters… those had added something… something that she couldn’t name. She hated them, she liked them, she didn’t want them, she got curious about them… Only one thing was certain, she wouldn’t respond them.

A week before the full moon another letter arrived, the two prior had arrived after the full moon, after the man had been in her place, this was one was more unexpected than the other and she´d only known it had arrived because she saw the mailman putting it in the mailbox, she´d been out, in front of the house cleaning the windows. The mailman had come to her, greeted her politely and made small talk, he was middle aged, he´d jokingly complained about the long walk he´d had to make to deliver one single letter; maybe he hadn’t been joking at all, he´d said he was glad she was there, for a second he´d thought she was one of the Belcourt ghosts and had laughed as if making a joke that only he understood. She´d taken the letter, she recognized the letter but even without that she knew who had sent it, no one else wrote her, no one ever wrote letters anymore, that part she liked, at that she was tempted to crumple the letter before opening it but curiosity won and she took it inside, went to her room as if carrying something that needed to be hidden from curious eyes that were nowhere in sight.

Cherished Olivia,

                I’m thinking of you. You´re not here yet you are a constant presence in my space. It´s almost as if you keep me company while your remind me that I am alone. Despite what does to me I wouldn’t change this feeling because that would mean not getting to meet you. I know the timing, the circumstances and my actions were all wrong. I cannot change the timing or the circumstances but I´d do anything to change my actions back then. At this point, though, that is something impossible so I can only try to make it up to you.

                I saw you yesterday. You were going out of work. I was on my way there, to the restaurant. I was on the other side of the street just turning the corner. It was lucky, to at least get to see you. I hadn’t been sent to pick up our food there for a while. Leah, my aunt, was in charge of preparing the food for our family dinner that night. She´d called home and I was the only one available. I’m sure you helped with the food we had last night, the sauce had your taste; it was great as I knew it´d be. I don’t think you see me. All I wanted was to hurry up and catch up to you but thought better of it. You wouldn’t have liked it.

                 Thank you. Thank you for everything you do for me, even if you don’t intend to do things for me I am still grateful. You’re a good person, more than that. I am certain. I only wish, if I can ask that of you, that one day you let me explain my actions and what I´ve brought to your life without your wanting part of it. Even if that day doesn’t come I am still grateful that I met you, still grateful to you.

                Oli, I hope you are resting now. In my mind it’s night time when you´ll be reading this letter, of course, in my mind you read my letters. If it´s night time as I imagine, I hope you´re having sweet and peaceful dreams. Have a greet week.

                                                                Yours always,

                                                                                Daniel Covin.

"How can he say ‘yours’ if we don’t know each other!" Oli grumbled throwing the letter in the drawer along with the other two. It was unsettling that it was night time like he´d imagined and that she had read the letters at night time. It made her feel paranoiac, that and the knowledge that he´d seen her without her seeing him but that made sense. Leah, her boss was his aunt so it was perfectly normal that he went there. Paranoia, however, was a something that ambushed her since she´d met him, she was glad that she hadn’t seen any other person of Woodhills go wolf but she often wondered who else was like that, maybe the whole town was made of people that turned to wolves but then at night, even in the full moon, she hadn’t heard that much wolf howling

The letter had felt different, urgent, it felt like it had more of him in it than the others, it felt less light and it also made her feel like he saw her like some kind of ideal person. “For all you know, wolf, I could be the hunter and not little red riding hood” she shook her head and closed the drawer clearing her mind of thoughts of moon light and wolves and long haired men with amber eyes. 

****

Another post!!!! well, it´s a special week, in my country there´s some mmm celebration, a holiday, so it feels right to post a bit more hahaha

On the scale of 1 to 10, 1 being my poor attempt at re-reading and doing the Word spell check thing as some awful proof-reading/editing and 10, the impossible, which would be actually editing, I´d say this is a 3 which in this case is a lot! I´m sure there´s a lot of mistakes, as much or more than when I got for a 1 but it´s not that that changed but the order of things, there´s stuff that was added that was not in the first draft and some that wasnt to be there until later and there was a gap that was filled so I´m pleased with myself even if it´s as bad writing as it´s always been lol 

The pix for this one, though... atm (now that I´m writing this) I havent added it bc I have two or  three pix for it but I cant decide which one to use... I´ll add the other two below this A/N, I think. 

The tittle´s something that I´m not sure about, in Word it´s "Letters" but I think it´s too simple...