Goodbye

I'm sorry mom. I just can't keep going. I don't want this life anymore. I'm sad all the time, wishing it was the end that never comes, I finally have the courage to bring it to me. You're sad and maybe I broke you with this. I didn't mean to hurt you though I know I've done just that. Please don't blame this on you. You are perfect, the best mother and teacher that anybody could wish for. It's just me. Please carry on, my bro needs you and my niece as well and you just light the world so don't let me bring you down. I'm sure I'll finally be happy where I'm going. Mom you are my all, my anchor, my life, my very best friend. I always valued the connection and closeness we had. I could tell you so much but I know I don't need to, you know I love you as much as you love me. Mom, you have no idea how hard you make this, have done it many times over. If I've stayed around it's been for you, your help and constant love and it's not that now it's less or less important for me, it's just that I'm very tired, so tired and I have been for a long time, you know that right? It's not your fault, my beautiful. Nothing was your fault. Too bad I won't know who my niece became. I know she'll be great though. Tell her that I loved her deeply. My baby bro will be mad at me, I know, I'd be too if it was the other way around, you're my soul Jo, I love you always. I always admired you, your faith and strength, your pure heart despite your wild nature. I'm so proud of you bc you prove everybody wrong, you became a great man and a great dad. Keep on being amazing. Thank you for all the great memories, you truly are my best friend. I wanna tell you so much and over and over that I love you. I'll miss your hugs so much and your jokes and how awesome you are. Don't let me bring you down, you're infinite times better than what I'll ever be. I felt loved, dad, your love for me since before I even existed was a protecting wall that I had. Thank you. You're my dad and no matter what I'll always love you. Memories of us together are very important for me. If not for you I wouldn't have the values I had, maybe I wouldn't have been a feminist, one that believed in equality and in being independent, you taught me that it didn't matter if I wanted things different or if I was different, that was even better. I know you were always proud of me, I was always proud of your success too, you're one of the smartest men I've ever met. Thank you so much for teaching me about god and faith and heaven, it's the best gift you could have given me. My family, my all. Outside you, nothing existed. I love you. If after my selfish actions I can ask you a favor it'll be to let know my friends that they were important, stars in a dark sky, even if I never said it but I felt loved by them as well. They taught me so many things. Bes, my very first friend, Xiomi always very patient, Cecy my bff, one that knew me well, I admire her faith, she's so smart. I only had one new friend in college and she totally won my heart, I wish her happiness. These women are so amazing, strong and independent, the best. I'll never forget them. I think in rl I sort of only have one guy friend, the most positive of ppl always trying to make me laugh, I thank him for always remembering my bday even if I forgot his. There are a couple of friends that I've never met in person but that feel as close, I cherish and appreciate them a lot. Saku with her great heart and patience. I'm always making her mad but she's so cool that always let's go of that, it was always so easy to talk to her and wow it was so great to share our writings, I probably never said it but her comments on my stuff made me feel anxious and giddy, her opinion was important for me. I'd never know how to thank her for being my sole companion in the times I felt alone and broken. There is one boy, years younger than me but wow he's admirable, so strong and focused. I know he'll do the great things he plans. I couldn't be more proud of him. I never met Matty in real life but I think we both wished it. I need to thank him for giving me the strength to finally accept all of me, to stop ignoring and hiding sides of me and though I'm always quiet about everything that has to do with myself, those who matter know me and that was something Matty helped me with. If he was such a great kid, I know he'll be a great man. This is a goodbye but it only makes it all harder by reminding me of the moments of light in the darkness, by reminding me of the people I love, my angels. If only I could make it better, I'm sorry to disappoint you all. I know most of you will think so much less of me, think of me as a coward and selfish person. It's alright, I won't contradict you. I'm tired, so tired. All I want to do is sleep forever. All of you are so amazing. Thank you for seeing me. Until we meet again, my lovelies and friends.

******

btw,I havent done anything...still around and all, writing this letter only had the effect of snapping out of the crisis I was in... not that things are perfect now but I´ll still b around for now