Porcelain Doll

Unique, different, undefined, special: my love. So beautiful in whatever he chooses to wear; in whatever he chooses to be...so elegant and perfect.

Time slips by... always there, always unnoticed.

He tries and tries, it's not that my love doesn't support him; it's that he just can't stand his existence anymore. I know as I look at him across the table, pale, no make-up, matted hair that once shone in waves, white nightie, too thin to be healthy.

His eyes are tired of tears, tired of lack of sleep, tired of his now gray days, too much fighting, too much trying. The world is too heavy on his shoulders. I'm not with him but even in my sleep I can tell he's sitting at the dining table in the dark, listening to the ticking clock marking too long minutes in the middle of the night.

Tick-tock tick-tock. The pendulum clock was banished of the house but we can still listen to its echo, marking, cutting the air and our skin.

I go to him, sit on my place across from him. There is nothing to say. I wish I knew how to make him better. From the seat next to him he takes something and places it on the table. I gasp in horror.

"Please don't" unshed tears fill my eyes

"Please, let me go" a whispered plea; big colored eyes showing me his pain. I shake my head, reaching for the gun that now points at his temple

"No, no, don't do this..." I talk. I don't know what I'm saying; all I know is that I have to make my beautiful stay. I say it all, I plead, I beg, I promise...

There's a gloom around him from then on, as if the coldest of winters settled eternally on his soul. He sits by the picture window and looks outside with a loss stare, withering away. Can't be left alone, he doesn't sleep anymore, he doesn't eat anymore, he doesn't smile anymore.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.... you never realize when the countdown is about to be over.

Just a second later and at the same time a long time after that night in the dining room, I'm in my room, trying to sleep, my mind on him who refused to go to bed. My mind knows, my soul knows and even if my eyes didn't see it through the walls I can tell the exact moment that he pulled the trigger just as his care-taker came in the room. My scream and the ripping sound awake me and I run to him. I didn't see it happen but the part of me that is in him did and it showed me.

And I feel his pain, not only through our minds but through his moans of pain, bad aim, not enough strength. He's on the floor; I can't get to him fast enough, his caretaker glued in place.

The first thing I see is his thick scarlet blood staining the floor and the side of his face ripped away. He's shaking, too much pain. His white chiffon nightie is pristine; he looks like a porcelain doll that now is broken by her own doing.

I carefully pull him to me as I urge the caretaker to call the emergency number but my beloved and I know that it's too late. NO! My mind screams even as it feels his pain and his life escaping away from that hideous hole on the side of his head

"No, no, no, no, no -I rock back and forth with him half on my lap as if that will stop the unavoidable- no, no, my love, my love, don't leave me, no, no, no, my love, love, don't go..." My tears run free and there's sadness and regret in his eyes, not because his wrong doing but because he feels it's killing me too, the part of me that is in him is screaming in pain. Why? Why did you do this? Love, why? It cries as my audible voice keeps imploring him to stay with me even as I know it's in vain.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, his mind, his eyes speak to mine. I didn't think it'd hurt you as bad. I didn't think...

"No, no, no love, my love, please, stay, no, no, no, oh, please, no..." My words melt into the next

Why does time doesn´t stop even as life stops even if you breathe and move? Why is it so cruel and takes you back and forward in the blink of an eye?

I wake up crying, reliving those nights. The echo of my voice and his haunted eyes are always filling my dreams. He sleeps his eternal sleep in his white chiffon nightie, his favorite, looking like a porcelain doll. I still beg him to stay.

****
written dec/22/2014.
A/N: not sure why or where this one came from but I had to write it, like a day or two after I hastily wrote it on my phone right after I woke up saying that line of "no, no, no..." I saw that picture and it felt kinda like a sign. Perhaps it´s not the best thing to post as the first post of a new year but... it´s what I have.

I have to say my brain did this on its own, like the whole thing as I slept.... You might say that it´s not wonder that it´s so bad haha