Heavy

This is so sad and it makes me angry. I have only like a minute for my break to be over but I can´t shake the thoughts of my mind. Last night I had a dream that haunts me now. Such a bad timing for my brain to be having dreams like that... it was a couple of minutes past midnight when I finally felt sleep come to me and then, a dream the kind that feels so real, the kinds that makes my heart feel heavy and my mind unsettled. It feels like a premotion and my rational self keeps telling the scaredy silly girl in me that it was just a dream and nothing more. But, and it´s most likely just a coincidence, my dreams like that seem to become real.

In my dream I was in the waiting room of some hospital, that´s no surprise, I´ve been in hospitals waiting room the past year enough time for a life-time, I know which hospital it was, the one in which I first got treated for my illness, the doctor there transfered me to the one I go these days-back to what I was saying,I was in that waiting room in hard blue chairs feeling cold, hospitals always feel cold- I was waiting on my own and then in my dream, I appeared in an examination room, at my back someone said some pitiful comment, they were sorry for me and then I heard what they said, it was my diagnosis. My eyes grew wide when I learned it and I inmediately began to cry. In the dream I imagined my leg being split open, I saw my bones and muscles and the whole thing inside... I didn´t know if the disease had a cure. I just stayed there sat listening like echo the comments the others made of me, to other doctors.

I was told what I had, in my dream, and I just can´t remember the name of it, it´s like only that piece of information is lost. It annoys me and scares me. The exam prior to the MRI was an electromiography, a very painful procedure with needles and electricity, as it was being done to me, I knew something was going to be wrong, I knew it was going to tell in a way what might be wrong with me... unlike the other tests -I feel a lot like a lab-rat with so many things done to me- that had been "normal" this one was not and I knew it was not going to be as soon as I got put the stickers with wires.

But then I might be thinking to much and pain doesnt make it better. The only thoughts that I seem to have are of pain and of that forgotten diagnosis I was given in my dream.... Pain is unavoidable, I do not control it and though I don´t control what I see in my dreams either I do control what I make of those and it seems I am refusing to control that letting it control me instead when it´s nothing but a dream.