Though My Eyes: eat me up, kill me now

A/N: I find it very annoying when authors write long long A/N but I dont care, I´ll freaking write huge author´s notes if I want ha! 

I´m feeling a little mmm excited, I think, I´m making this playlist with songs for DL -the few that were there- and for this story. I´ve found that in listening to Josh´s thought, more like in feeling his feels bc he barely ever talks (which is why I´m not sure if Im using the right words to express his feelings) anyway, music plays an important role... and also he likes my undivided attention so I really just need to b focusing in him and music when I write this one... and about music, it´s not even the songs that he likes but if there is music around where he is, it´ll b ok, like there is this future scene, many, in which there was music where he was and there is this one that he doesnt even like but it´s the background of the whole scene, or at least of the beginning of it and it my mind it fits even if he doesnt like the song or the singer hahaha 

Also, I was thinking of how Saku says this story is not really about him but about the girls -that she hates lol- and as I added this one song to the playlist... yeah, I agree but it´s what he sees, what he wants to see... I didnt even want to write it but he kept feeding my brain with his images... so yeah, I´m just doing what he wants and let me tell you he´s so erratic, he jumps from scene to scene and I just have such a hard time going back to the mood of the one before bc most of the times he doesnt give me time to finish it.... but it´s let me discover that, he´s no longer here, I mean, he´s just telling me what already happened, he´s way in the future, like he´s probably already and old man (for what the last images are) and he´s just telling me the story of his youth... it´s quite strange... he´s hard to understand, I dont think I´ve ever had such a character but I´ve never taken interest into a character like him before so that´s probably why he´s complicated for me bc this whole thing is new and that makes scared but kind of excited like this part I was writing yesterday... awww I liked it, it was sad but I liked it hahaha -ofc- lol

long long and boring author note is over

ah no, wait,

Dio mio!= oh, my god!

Ho dimenticato= I forgot...! 

Scusi!=sorry

********

“Do you wanna come up for a while?” Marissa invited me to her apartment. I smiled, I had never been invited but this was after the log house so I guessed it had to do with that.

“Sure” I said and she smiled brighter. We walked up the stairs hand in hand up to the third floor

“Hope you don’t mind the stairs” she said when we were on the second flight of stairs. I snorted and shook my head; she laughed “It´s good leg exercise” she winked

“Do you always take the stairs?”

“When I´m not in a hurry” she chuckled

She stopped at apartment 38 and opened the door. The place looked small. To my left there were doors that I assumed were their bedrooms, at the end of the rectangular space there was a window of half the size of the wall, there was a drawing tables against that wall, and on top of it canvases and paint cans, there were also two tall stools and two wooden easels. Against the wall next to the one with the windows there were pieces of colored cardboard and rolls of paper, more paint and brushes, small pieces of wood as well.

Right in front of us there was a blue couch, it seemed to have some stains of perhaps a drink or two that had been spilled on it, to its right there was an armchair, to its left a black leather ottoman with a small pile of books, in the middle of this arrangement there was a light brown coffee table with random drawings varying from stick figures to art-school quality type of drawings, there were also words written in the same random pattern, all done with a black marker, I assumed the guilty was the sharpie on the table.

“We like doodling on that” Marissa giggled as I read some of the words:

 “Hate you!!!”  There was the drawing of a broken heart next to it

“Here and there, I want you everywhere… Come to me, eat me up… kill me now” This looked like some kind of poem, it wasn’t in either girl´s handwriting so I guessed the guests also liked to write on the coffee table

“December 12^{th “}A date, a reminder of a birthday

“Carina” in Nic´s small handwriting

“Take me home” and “let me in…” those two in someone else´s handwriting as well, the last one had the drawing of a door next to it, a lot of detail in it.

“You can write something if you want” Marissa motioned for us to sit, I furrowed my eyebrows, I didn’t get why they liked their furniture ruined, even if some drawings were good.

“No, it´s ok” I leaned back on the couch. In front of it, against the wall there was a TV on a table, next to the TV there were more books, on the shelf below it there was a DVD player and a laptop, on the bottom shelf there was a microwave, it was odd. The walls of the place were bare, painted white. I had imagined a more artistic place or even bigger, this was pretty small, just enough space to live. Marissa sat next to me and moved closer snuggling herself against my side.

“So…” she started, I looked at her “What do you think?” I guess it had been obvious that I had been checking out the place, I shook my head

“Your walls are boring” I said, she laughed

“I know, we never have time to change the color or to put anything on it”

“All art goes to that corner” I pointed at my back, towards the drawing table

“Exactly” she gave me a quick kiss, I smiled and returned the kiss which was what we did for a while, slow and almost sleepily

“Are you falling asleep?” I asked Marissa after a while; it was beyond me to understand how she could do that

“Sorry, sorry –she kissed me again- it´s just that with work and projects this week I haven’t slept much” she explained, she did look tired and I knew that as part of her scholarship she had to help in the office of her art faculty and in the library on weekends and of course keep her grades high to keep the scholarship

“You can take a nap” I offered

“No –she pouted- I asked you to come up not for you to just watch me sleep. I want to spend time with you”

“I don’t mind, maybe I´ll take a nap too” I smiled, I could do that, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t tired

“You´re just saying that –she started to shift, placing herself at my side, my arm around her shoulders- so that I don’t feel like a jerk for falling asleep on you”

“You´re tired, you can go to sleep.  I truly don’t mind”

“You´re too nice” she closed her eyes and I did the same as I tried to fall asleep but it seemed I just couldn’t. I just kept opening my eyes and looking around, at the coffee table and the bare walls. We were alone, she had told me her roommate, Nichole, wasn’t around and that she´d come later in the evening. After the conversation at the coffee shop the other day I wondered what face she´d made if she found me here. I was here first so she couldn’t know; she´d be surprised unless Marissa had told her. I shook my head, this didn’t matter.

Marissa was already asleep and I just couldn’t fall asleep and I was getting bored but didn’t want to wake her up so I reached for one of the books on the ottoman, careful not to wake up Marissa and not to drop the other books. I just took the first of the pile, it was about Greek Mythology, there was a bookmark on the story about Prometheus; I knew this story, at least what it was about. The bookmark wasn’t really a bookmark but a piece of paper with the drawing of some crows on it, very detailed crows, one on a branch, one flying and one in the distance, it made me want to read the story so I read it.  At the end of it there was another slip of paper with another drawing, it was of a hand with a flame coming from it, I think it was Prometheus giving fire to human kind.

I continued looking at the book, trying to see if there were more drawings, there was only one more and it was not an interesting one, just a squared simple box. I wondered what it was, the myth it bookmarked was the one about Echo, so it didn’t seem to be related, I knew because I read it and then the next one and the one before, it didn’t relate to those either.

I was still looking at the simple image when I heard a key in the door. I looked up and as expected there was the other person that inhabited this place, she immediately saw me, reigning surprise, I knew because there was a pause in her entering as she took in my presence, Marissa on my side, the book in my hand and the slip of paper in the other. She closed the door.

“Hi” I mouthed and smiled, she nodded and walked towards the coffee table, she was carrying a plastic bag

“You can have her portion” she put the plastic bag on the coffee table and took out two of the boxes, it was Chinese food, the smell told me so. I blinked. She had brought Marissa food and now she was giving it to me. I started to shake my head no, she raised an eyebrow, I was still holding onto the book and the slip of paper and then I realized…

“Oh, is this yours?” I put the slip of paper back and looked at the first page of the book, her handwriting and initials on it told me that, indeed, it was hers “sorry I didn’t know…” I put it on the pile of books

“It’s just a book –she lightly shrugged- they’re to be read” she started to retire, to her room, I guessed

“What’s the box?” I asked before she left, still half whispering, not wanting to awake Marissa

“Food?” she raised both eyebrows and I chuckled, it was funny, she thought I spoke of the bag and the Chinese food when I meant the drawing

“No, the one in the book” I clarified, she fought a smile

“Pandora´s box”

“Looks pretty simple…” I frowned, if it was that infamous box, it should´ve looked mysterious not like just a box

“Simple stuff tends to be complicated” she said, I furrowed my eyebrows, she seemed to be speaking of more than just the box but before I could say anything Marissa stirred giving the chance to Nichole to walk away

“Nini…?” Marissa sat up and turned back to her roommate

“Yeah?” Nichole had stopped. This was the first time I had seen them together. Marissa blinked as if she wasn’t sure who her roommate was. She turned to look at me

“What time is it?” Mari asked as she tied her hair in a pony tail

“Seven” Nichole replied before I could. Wow.

“Oh, mio Dio! Ho dimenticato…” she started in her native language

“Not Italians” Nic interrupted her motioning her finger from her to me, I chuckled, I found it endearing that she was so sleepy that she´d forgotten we couldn’t understand, Mari´s eyes grew big for a second

“Scusi! I´m sorry, Josh! I´m sorry I wasn’t planning to actually falling asleep, you must be so bored and sore” she told me with blushed cheeks as I stretched, she´d finally sat up

“It´s fine” I said even if I was frowning, my arm had fallen asleep

“Sorry –she told me again- Nini, you brought food” she focused on the coffee table

“Didn’t tell me you had company” Nic told her, not a reproach, just a fact, feelings don’t know of facts though.

“I was just leaving” I stood up

“No –Marissa pouted- stay, we´ll watch a movie, movie night tonight, please” she took my hand in hers, I quickly looked at Nichole, I didn’t want to impose my presence there “Nini, help me convince him” Marissa told her, Nic raised an eyebrow

“I think your drool is telling him to go” she teased Marissa

“I don’t drool!” she replied offended as she surreptitiously checked my shirt anyway

“Josh, please, stay –Marissa pleaded- we´ll order food, let me make it up to you. I shouldn’t have used you like a pillow, you´re a good one by the way” she gave me a quick kiss

“Will it be ok? Seems like you had plans” I said, Nic had gone into her room

“Yeah, the plan was to invite you to movie night, I just happened to fall asleep and forgot to tell you and Nini… pleeeeease, Josh, yeah, tell me you´ll stay?”

“Ok” I smiled; she smiled brightly and kissed me once again

“Nichole, come on out, movie!” she raised her voice

“Changing” I heard the other girl´s voice. Marissa asked for pizza and I just sat there a little uncomfortable, I both wanted and didn’t want to be there, I guessed Nichole didn’t wanted me there either although she hadn’t say anything, not like Marissa had given her a chance either. Her usual rehearsed manners from when she was just enduring something were dulled, not entirely there; they were mixed halfway with her more real ones, new ones maybe.

Nichole came out of her room at the same time that Mari put a DVD. She´d brought three water bottles from somewhere and placed them on the coffee table and sat on the armchair. She was now wearing pajama pants, a white t-shirt under a black sweater

“I don’t want water” Mari complained coming back to her seat next to me

“Go get your stuff yourself then” Nic replied in monotone “what are we watching?”

“The Bourne movies” Mari replied not going anywhere to change her water bottle into something else. Nic wrinkled her nose

“Again?”

“Can’t put a chick flick, can I?” Mari motioned to me

“I´m fine with anything” I said, Nic snorted

“She´s just using you as excuse, she loves those movies” she rolled her eyes and started to eat

“Have you seen them?” Mari asked

“Only the first one” I said, I am not into sagas, they´re never as good as the first one

“Cool, then we´re watching from the second one” she handed me one of the food boxes “We´ll share until the pizza comes” she said with a smile. And then, in a warning voice “No talking during the movie” she said to no one in particular as she pushed the play button. We were all silent after that. Nichole watched the movie without looking away once.

Thirty minutes later, the pizza man came, I said I´d pay for it but Mari didn’t let me, the three of us ended up splitting the bill

“You should´ve let me pay” I opened the box

“Shhh, no talking during the movie” she kissed me once and then once more after seeing my narrowed eyes.

After a while, after we were done eating, we heard the sound of a candy wrapper coming from Nic´s direction

“Gimme” Mari extended her hand, Nic searched in her sweater´s pocket and threw her a mini chocolate and then another, Mari gave me one. “I want a minty lollipop” Mari extended her hand again

“I´m already eating it” Nic stated the obvious

“It´s ok, gimme…” she insisted, it seemed to be ok to talk when she did the talking, I shook my head

“No”

“Nini, you know I rather have the lollipop than the chocolate –Nichole only shrugged, not even looking at her- ok, give me another then, I know you have more”

“Eat the chocolate”

“If you don’t wanna get up, I’ll go get it”

“No talking during the movie” Nic mimicked the way Mari had said it to me, accent and everything, Mari laughed quietly

“Josh wants one too –she lied- how about you give one to him?” Mari insisted, she had a teasing tone, Nic didn’t reply, I guessed I wasn’t the only one that didn’t get answers at times.

“Was she always such a weirdo –Mari asked me- I don’t know why she treats those tiny lollipops as if they were treasures, she doesn’t even let me touch them” Mari laughed

“Shut up, Marissa” Nic had an annoyed tone in her voice, the girl just giggled as one of the lollipops hit the side of her head and fell to her lap. I noticed the wrapper; there were the ones I had bought her for her birthday, both when I knew we were in the same school and back in Burgeoys.

“Thank you, jerk –Mari pocked her tongue at Nichole whose eyes were glued to the TV screen- do you want one?” she said to me

“I´m fine” I smiled noticing a sigh from Nichole. It seemed like Mari liked to tease her and for once she didn’t seem mad about it, she was still there, although I don’t think she liked Mari telling the part about the little candies being treasures, I wondered if she wondered if I had had noticed… I knew they were the same; they were exclusively made in that bakery, although she could´ve bought some on her own; she knew the place…close to my parents’ home…

When the movie ended Nichole stood up to put the next movie, Mari was snuggled against me and by the end of that second movie Mari had fallen asleep again. I felt drowsy too, especially with being in silence and with dimmed lights. Nichole turned the lights on, the TV off and shook her head when she saw Marissa

“Can you take her to her room? –she tilted her head, I raised my eyebrows, slightly concerned- she won’t wake up… her bed´s more comfortable than that couch” she shrugged. I stared for a second or two too long and then slowly I moved away and carried Mari to her room, Nichole opened it and turned on the lights.

On the way in there were shoes scattered around, clothes on the desk chair and pictures of people and places over the desk, which was covered with papers and sketches, the bedside table was covered with jewelry.  I placed Mari on her unmade bed and covered her up to the shoulders.

“Do you need help?” I asked Nichole, she was in the little living room, clearing the coffee table of the boxes and bottles

“I got it”

“Alright, I´ll be going” I announced taking my backpack from the floor; she only nodded as she placed the bottles and the Chinese food boxes on the bag. It was a tense moment, as if only because of Mari she´d reigned her new dislike of me, it was so weird that in the texts it felt sort of normal and whenever we were face to face it was like she didn’t like me at all. I preferred talking face to face instead of texts or calls.

“Do you make yourself tolerate all her dates?” I huffed, she raised an eyebrows

“I don’t make myself do anything…”

“Really? Because you were tense all through the movie” I sighed, she raised an eyebrow

“Did you stare at me all through the movie? I don’t think Marissa will appreciate that” she said with calmed, measured tone, I snorted

“I don’t need to stare at you to know”

“Is that so?” she tilted her head to a side

“Not once you looked away from the movie”

“I like the movie” a light shrug

“No once you said a thing”

“No talking during the movie” once again she imitated Marissa

“You never stay fixated in one thing, specially a movie, you always look away, daydream at times” I told her, I knew, we´d watched movies at Burgeoys, she either talked about whatever movie we were watching or let it go to the back of her mind, today she had been too focused on it. Her brow wrinkled a tiny bit and she stared at me, we were silent for a while

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” I broke the silence

“I hadn’t expected to see you”

“So, that’s a yes, -I sighed, she said nothing- I won’t come up here anymore” I said adjusting my backpack strap on my shoulder

“Because of me? –she asked with a slightly raised eyebrow- if Marissa wants you here and you want to be here, come, this is her place too” she shrugged

“And you´ll make yourself tolerate me?” now I raised my eyebrow, she sat on the coffee table

“She asked me to stay to movie night because we know each other” she motioned between us as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear “I was the guest, I was meddling in your plans not you”

“You shouldn’t accept it if it makes you uncomfortable”

“I don’t have a reason to not want to hang out with an ex-classmate, do you?” she asked, ouch, I thought, she hadn’t used the word friend

“But you…” I started, thinking, just ex-classmates, huh?

“Unless you told her she doesn’t know about … -she wiggled her gloved fingers- she´s been wanting to know about my past since we met, I think she’ll ask you about what you know about me like she’s asked me what I know about you… I don’t have to tell her everything but it’d be … -she trailed off- hard to keep… details… and why wouldn’t I want to hang out with you?” her voice was quiet

“What have you told her?”

“You and I were classmates, just that…”

“She hasn’t really asked me anything about you” I said she looked relieved

“Good”

“I wouldn’t…” I was about to assure her that no matter what and how mad or not I might be I wouldn’t give away her secrets, ours either

“I know” she interrupted

“So you´ll just be uncomfortable every time I come?”

“I think she´ll mostly take you to her room… -I guessed that was not a secret- and if she wants movie nights…. You´re ok” she shrugged lightly

“It´ll feel like a …” lie, I thought, she nodded as if she knew what I was thinking

“Monsters hide in darkness…” she sighed and then inhaled deeply, she sounded tired

“I´m sorry…” I took a step forward, closer

“Not your fault. You don’t keep stuff from people –the left side of her mouth curled up in some kind of sad smile, I wanted to say that I did, sometimes, but I didn’t say anything. We stared for a moment, neither of us saying a word.

I wondered how much Marissa knows of Nichole, I wondered if there is anyone that actually knows her, if there is anyone that she allows to know her. It is hard to pretend and keep secrets. I have only one, my phobia and tough it´s not exactly as big as hers, it´s tiring to have to keep it to myself, to go around it. Nichole’s eyes closed for a second as if she was falling asleep and I snapped out of my thoughts.

“Good night, Nichole” I walked to the door

“Good night, Joshua” her voice was right behind me, it startled me. I went out of their place and heard the lock turn. I sighed and walked away wondering what I´ll say if Marissa asks me about Nichole, about how well we knew each other.