Through My Eyes: Down the rabbit hole

A/N: nothing much happens in this one... yet it´s taken me forever to post it. Never again I´m going over the posts twice!! >_< specially bc I´m sure there´ll b a lot of mistakes even if I did...

***** 

This was a bad day, a day I hated.

Last year it had been a Thursday.

It had been the two year mark.

I don’t think I had ever been so drunk, except perhaps the year before.

“I won’t pick you up” Aaron had said when he called me earlier; he’d done so the year before. If I needed it, he would do it again. We both knew that.

“It won’t be necessary” I had said and I hoped it wouldn’t be. I’m not unpredictable but I get my moments….

Last year it had been a Thursday and this year it was a Friday. Marissa had asked me a couple of days before to come to their movie night again which had sounded like a good way to distract myself and I wasn’t in the least opposed to the cuddling that I knew we’d be doing afterwards, like it usually happened … although I had wondered if it was actually a good idea or a good distraction considering the other person that was going to be there, even with that thought in mind, I hadn´t cancelled and on that Friday, there I was…

I sighed and reached to knock on the door; before I could do it, the door opened.

“What are you doing here?” Nichole had her backpack on.

“Well, hello, nice to see you too –I raised my eyebrow- Marissa asked me to come”

“I didn’t think you’d come- she opened the door the full way to let me in- Marissa’s not here, it’s early” she walked inside to the coffee table where she had her keys

“Leaving before I came?” I sounded angry.  She raised both eyebrows.

“Like I said, -she put emphasis on the words- I didn’t think you’d come”

“You’re not staying?” I asked. She was already on her way out.

“No, but you can wait here for her”

“Why are you always in such a hurry to leave?” I sat on the armchair.

“I have somewhere to go”

“Away from me…” I said dryly, she stared at me for a moment.

“Are you…? – I thought she was going ask if I was ok but she knew I was not. She knew why I wasn’t ok.

“I´m going to see Camille -Nichole said instead of finishing her question- It´s… not a good day for her” she explained. Of course not, today not only I had lost loved ones.

“Not a good day” I repeated

“Yeah, that’s why I thought you wouldn’t come. I thought you’d be with your family” she was talking more than usual. It was like a contrast between our moods. She was right though, that day my family was together and they wanted me to be there with them….

“…Mourning a jerk….” I finished my thoughts out loud with a scoff; she seemed startled by my words.

“How do you do it? –I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head- how do you do to not feel anything?” I scowled and the minute I said it I knew it was unfair but I just couldn’t stop myself. Her eyes turned glassy but she blinked once and it was as if I had imagined it, it went away as fast as if it had never happened.

“That’s how I am” she didn’t meet my eyes but her use of that monotone made me angry.

“Why did you leave?” I asked. Now that I look back in time it was almost out of nowhere and with no context, I don’t know how I expected her to know what I was talking about but of course, she knew. At the time she just stared.

“I really have to go” it was as if she hadn’t heard my words but of course she’d decided to ignore them. I laughed humorlessly.

“Of course, you always have to go –I sighed- that’s who you are, always leaving, not feeling… great, you should teach a course on that…” my jaw clenched.

“Do you really want to be talking of this, now? Here? You´re obviously not doing well, Mari will come any minute now if she asked you to come and I have to be with Camille” her voice was unaffected, as if my words hadn’t had any meaning to her.

“If you just answered at once you could go away like you always do” I felt angry. I knew she made sense, in any other day I wouldn´t have started this knowing that I wasn´t feeling well and that Marissa would come soon. She shook her head no

“Tell me why you left me to deal with two dead bodies and a murderer! I deserve to know!” I stood up as I raised my voice. She looked like she was worried about people hearing, she scratched a spot on her forehead and then combed her hair with her hand

“Yes, I owe you answers, I know –she took a couple of steps towards me, her hands raised in a calming gesture, her voice leveled, calmed- ….but right now…”

“I want to know now, I don’t want to wait anymore!” my voice getting louder than what I intended not that I had intended to raise my voice though. She squeezed her eyes shut and touched her forehead again.

“I can’t stay and you obviously can´t either -she maintained her calmed, infuriating tone-, what will Marissa make of you? I´m not blaming you –she cut in before I said anything and then sighed- you should go home… have some rest –she looked at my eyes… yeah, she had noticed the marks of my sleepless nights- I´ll go to you later and give you your answers”

“No –I shook my head, I knew she wouldn’t honor that, besides I was tired of waiting and giving her space- just say you let your assassin to do your dirty work” I spat. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply

“You’re coming with me –she said barely opening her mouth once she opened her eyes- can you, please, behave around Camille – she pleaded, her voiced changed, it startled me, was it a rehearsed one? Was it real? - she doesn’t know…” Nic motioned between us. She threw me on a loop, my eyes were wide and I had just registered that she was taking me to where she was going with her sister; that was crazy. I said nothing

“Let´s go…” she went to the door and my feet, without me followed her. I grimaced at this, always following her. It was not a good day.

“Where did you park your car?” she asked once we were in the elevator.

“I walked” I said, she had a little crease between her eyebrows as if that confused her but it was only a ten minute walk from campus.  After that little crease disappeared she raised an eyebrow, probably because that would have meant me walking back home at after one am and I didn’t live ten minutes away from them… although I would´ve probably stayed with Marissa, like I had done a few times.

“Good” she walked towards a silver car, an ordinary car, new but not what she could’ve had. She got in, threw her bags on the back seat. I kept my backpack on the floor, at my feet. We left.

I was too flabbergasted to say anything at this point which was inconsistent the outburst I had before. She was all business.

“Let Marissa know you won’t be there… if you can don’t tell her you’re with me, that’d… be hard to explain” she kept her eyes on the road, I nodded

“Just not now –she said when I took my phone out. Why did my hands do what she said? I just furrowed my eyebrows- at what time did she ask you to meet her?”

“Four” I replied, I saw her glancing me from the corner of her eye.

“It’s too early, it’d be strange and she’d probably would want to see you if you tell her you´re not going right now” she explained. I glanced at the clock on the dashboard, it wasn’t two pm yet, movie night was usually at seven or eight; Marissa had suggested we should meet a little earlier but... I totally hadn’t been thinking when I went to their apartment. I nodded again.

“We´re going to meet Camille –Nichole spoke again after a while in silence, she sounded tense- at her school, we’ll go home to get her a change of clothes, then we´ll go to a flower shop –she shrugged a little- after that we´re meeting her mother and possibly her sisters at the graveyard where Karl is –she explained, I noticed she didn’t call him father like she used to… but then I didn’t call Alexander grandpa anymore either- it´s likely that Natasha will be there too, you don’t have to get out of the car if…”

“Why are you still with that woman?!” my anger resurfaced. I couldn’t understand how she still associated with someone that she feared before.  She sighed twisting her mouth.

“Not now, please, we’re ten minutes away from Mii, you and I need to calm down. I know I don’t have the right to ask you to be civil with my sister but … -she swallowed- I couldn’t think of another faster way to… give you what you want today… you’ll still have to wait though…”  there was a heavy silence after that. I breathed in deeply and nodded once. Of course I’d be nice to her sister, it was not her fault, she didn’t even know.

“After spending some time at the graveyard, we´ll go to dinner –she shrugged- I´ll make sure Nat doesn’t go. Do you mind Ash and Jess?” she looked at me for the first time, I shook my head, they were not my favorite people but they were ok.

“Are you friends with them now?” I asked and she shook her head

“They probably won’t go but ….-she trailed off- after dinner, you, Camille and I will drive to Crystals house, where you had your party, do you remember? –I nodded- Do you have anything to do tomorrow morning?”

“Why?”

“So that I can bring you back tonight or early tomorrow or have someone bring you back” she said and I didn’t like the have someone bring me back part, it reminded me of the time I had been kidnapped by one of her people

“I will take a cab” I said, she nodded her agreement.

“I expect Mii to fall asleep quick… We´ll talk then” she blinked and looked out her window for a second. I was angry still but at that point I was starting to feel remorseful. I didn’t have to shout, I didn’t have to pry in her little sister’s pain and I had waited for a while I could´ve waited for a couple of hours without having to tag along.

“I…” I was about to tell her I’d take a cab back, we were about 45 minutes away from school now.

“We’re here” she said before I could say anything, she unbuckled herself  “I´ll be back in a moment” she got out of the car and walked towards the school, a private one of modern buildings and green lawn all the way to the entrance.

After a few minutes she came back with Camille in her uniform. The little girl had grown up, of course, it had been about three years since I had seen her, she´d have to be about eleven now. She was taller and like a younger version of her older sister, they were startlingly similar, even their walk was similar except Camille´s was relaxed. I doubted she’d been taught to walk like that. Nichole carried her little sister’s backpack as one of her hands rested on the younger girl´s shoulder. Camille’s hair was a little messy, at least a difference from her older sister that never seemed to have a hair out of place.

Once they were closer I got out of the car. Camille didn’t seem surprised; I guessed Nichole had told her I was there. I tried to compose myself.

“Mii, do you remember Josh?” Nic asked, the younger girl nodded and smiled a small smile

“Hello, Josh” she still had her cheerful tone, dulled, I guessed by what the day represented

“Hello, Camille – I smiled- I hope you don’t mind my intrusion” I said apologetically, she shook her head, her eyes going glassy, Nichole pulled her closer to her side.

“It´s ok, it´ll be ok” Nic stroked her sister´s back

“I´m sorry” the little girl said to me

“Don’t worry… I get it” I tried to smile but I couldn’t

“Josh´s grandfather was the other gentleman that was with father…” Nichole explained gently, Camille stared at her sister and then at me

“I´m sorry for your lost” she said, came to me and hugged me tight. My eyes were wide open at that; it took me a second to hug her back

“I´m sorry for your lost, too” I said once she let go, I had the strange sensation that I meant it, despite being about a man who had planned my whole family´s death

“Are you guys ready to go?” Nic intervened; I moved away to let Mii have the front seat but she didn’t let me… The little girl had been raised to be friendly. Her ways were so contrasting with Nichole´s but then their lives had been the opposite as well so I guessed it made sense.

“Maybe we can visit Josh´s family… or something” Mii said after a little while in silence, Nic opened her mouth but no sound came out.

“Don’t worry –I said, looking back at her- it´s not close but thank you” I smiled and she smiled a weak smile too.

We drove back, well part of the way back, ten minutes back from where Camille’s school was, to a building of expensive apartments, doorman and everything... The three of us took the elevator to the third floor. Home, Nichole had said, we’ll go home, so I guessed this was where Camille lived.

“Did you bring my dress?” Camille asked as Nic unlocked the door

“Yes and an extra one” she opened the door, Camille got in first, then Nichole motioned for me to get in. The place said Nichole everywhere, unlike her place at school, this was how I had imagined hers and Marissa´s place.

Both the wall against which the door stopped and the one that made up the back of the living room had shadows of trees painted as if trees were somewhere close, the wall on the left side was completely made of glass from where I could see a terrace where plants hung from the ceiling, casting shadows to the black furniture.

“Have a seat –Nic told me as Camille disappeared in one of the rooms. - do you want anything to drink?” who was this woman?

“Ah…” I sat

“Oh, but there’s just water, I didn’t bring anything else” a small crease formed between her eyes

“Water´s fine” I said, she’d sounded nervous. She left to the kitchen.

 In front of the couch where I sat, the one opposite the front door, there was a cabinet with a TV and books on top. Over the cabinet, on the wall, there was a large painting, I knew it, well, kind of, it was the picture of a ballerina, I had seen a child ballerina on a page in Burgeoys; this was the same except the ballerina was older. It was Camille dancing. To my left I could see the dining table, it was made of dark wood, behind it, a cupboard of the same dark wood and the wall on the other side had some painting that I could make up from that angle. Nichole came back with the glass of water.

“I´m going to change, I´ll be right back” she said and I stayed there drinking the water and staring at the glass. I had fallen in the rabbit hole, I wasn´t sure who was who.

Nichole really came back quick, didn’t take more than ten minutes. She’d been wearing blue jeans, a t-shirt with a shirt over it, a beanie, her usual boots; her usual outfit. She came back still wearing jeans except that they were black, a ¾ sleeve blazer, a gray top under it and formal shoes.

“Do… do you live here?” I felt a little stupid asking this but it didn’t seem like anybody else lived here, there weren’t things that could belong to anybody else, although I had only seen the living room and part of the dining room.

“Yeah…” she breathed out

“I thought you lived with Marissa…”

“I come here when she has company or during the weekends that I spend with Camille”

“This is your house –I said stupidly, she nodded a little mortified. I didn’t think she ever intended for me to know about that place. I wondered if Marissa knew about it- since when have you lived here?”

“Well… I haven’t lived here for more than a couple of weeks at a time…”

“But you always returned here”

“Yeah… It´s close to Mii’s school and home”

“You didn’t have it before…” I said sure that I would´ve known but maybe I really didn’t know her at all.

“I didn’t have a thing before –she smiled a sad smile and I guessed now that it probably had to with being the heiress of her father, that, I was sure of. Another thought came to me, it meant she’d been 30 minutes away for the last two years; no, it was three years on that day.

“You´ve been 30 minutes away all this time” I said almost to myself, she opened her mouth to talk but Camille came, she was wearing a black dress and a hairband and a sad expression.

“I´m ready” she announced, Nic nodded, I stood up noticing that they were now dressed up and I was not. At least my jeans were dark and the shirt that I wore over my dark green t-shirt was black as well. I was wearing sneakers…I looked down at myself.

“You´re fine like that” Nichole told me as she motioned for us to leave.

According to what Nichole had said we went to a flower shop. Camille did most of the talking.

“What do you think of this one?” she showed Nic a wreath of white flowers

“I like it” Nic replied

“Can I choose another?”

“As many as you want, Mii” we walked behind Camille who observed and smelled the flowers before picking anything

“Pick something for your mom” Camille instructed Nichole

“A bouquet of white Casablanca lilies, please” Nic said to the florist

“Why don’t we send some flowers for Josh´s grandpa?” the little girl tilted her head as she asked her sister, she had a sweet voice

“Sure, baby, pick something” Nic seemed startled at first but it seemed she didn’t say no to her little sister

“Josh, what do you think your grandpa might like?” Mii came closer to me, took me by my arm, it was my turn to be startled, the sisters were nothing alike.

“Well… I don’t think he had a favorite flower” I told Mii

“Ah, do you have a preference?” she asked and I wanted to chuckle

“No, I don’t really have a preference, do you?”

“I like roses and gardenias but I think… I don’t know about roses…”

“How about this one?” I pointed to one with white flowers and bright green leaves, it had some sort of a cross shape.

“That´s pretty” she smiled to me “Nic, this is the one for Josh´s grandpa”

“I like it” she said as we all went to pay for the flowers

“Mii, why don’t you help me with the lilies? Josh and I will take the others as soon as he tells us the address, ok?”

“Yeah, write something nice on the card and sign both our names” the little girl took the car keys and left us.

“Sign your name, please … -Nic said- we don’t have to send them if you don’t want though…”

“It´s ok… -I signed the card, I knew Nic wouldn’t sign her name on it or her sisters- I´ll pay for these” I said, she shook her head

“It´s a gift from Camille… please, accept it” she asked, I nodded, feeling somewhat numb. The little girl brought out a different Nichole. I had seen how much she loved her, how she spoke about her but I guess after seeing a harder side of her behavior stood up even more.

At the graveyard I didn’t want to get out of the car, my stomach twisted and all I could see in my mind was Alexander shooting Karl and Natasha shooting Alexander dead…Nichole leaving me the journal, blood and gunpowder smell. I felt like puking but I pushed it away as I walked slowly behind the two girls. Nic carried the wreath and a bouquet, Mii carried another.

As Nichole had told me, there was Karl´s widow, I recognized her even if I had met her only once, she wore black as well and didn’t really seemed so hurt, next to her there were also Nichole´s step sisters, Jessica and Ashley, they recognized me at once.

“Josh!” both girls said at once and came to hug me, gave me a kiss on the cheek “long time no see!” Jess said

“We missed you!” one of the sisters added cheerfully, I only nodded and smiled, this was the graveyard not a catch up meeting, their cheerfulness seemed out of place to me but I wasn’t at my best so I can´t be sure about my assessment of how cheerful they actually was. Behind them and now next to Karl´s widow, was Natasha Strasberg, she saw me and glanced at Nichole who gave her a look of “don’t say a word”

“Sheryl, this is Joshua Arlington” Nichole introduced me to her step mother

“Arlington…” she furrowed her eyebrows as if trying to make the connection

“Mom –one of her daughters said- remember we went to his party, daddy introduced us once, Mr. Erick Arlington is his dad” they were too cheerful for the occasion

“Oh, yes, I remember you now” Sheryl had Ashley´s smile or maybe it was Jess´ smile “Thank you for joining us”

“You´re welcome…” I didn’t say I was sorry for their loss, I was not.

The two sisters, Nichole and Camille went closer to the place where Karl was, Camille placed the flowers. I noticed Nichole placed only one of the white lilies, bending quickly and stranding up as quickly while Camille knelt down, after a few minutes, Sheryl and her daughters joined them placing the flowers they had.

“Joshua Arlington” Natasha stepped closer to me “I didn’t think I´d see you again” at this Nichole´s head turned to a side as if she´d heard, Natasha smiled her creepy smile

“I didn’t want to see you either”

“Are you and my girl back together?” she raised one of her perfect eyebrows

“Shut up, Natasha” without our notice Nichole had come back. Strasberg looked hurt

“I´m just asking” Natasha replied in that sweet tone she had, I wanted to puke, or to punch her, she´d used that tone as she either hit me or pointed a gun at me

“You´re not coming to dinner” Nichole told her

“Sheryl invited me, Nicky”

“I couldn’t care less”

“But Nicky….I haven’t seen you…” she seemed sad

“No, you´re not coming” Nic shook her head as she interrupted her, the woman looked wounded, then looked at me, looked back at Nic and closed her eyes for a moment, she sighed and went back to her creepy smile, so fast, so easy.

“Ok” she sighed and walked to the others. Like Nichole she only had one flower that she let fall to the grave from where she stood. I stared at her from where I was several feet away. Nic had said she´d make sure Natasha didn’t come, she´d been quite blunt and rude but I couldn’t feel any sympathy for the woman

After a while they came back to where Nic and I were. Strasberg said goodbye. Jess and Ash announced they´d join us for dinner. Nichole sighed.

“So, Josh, what you´ve been up to?” one of Nichole´s stepsister asked. We were not in a restaurant; our orders had just been taken

“I´m in school”

“Oh, what are you studying?”

“I’m in med school”

“A doctor, how cool” one of them said, I smiled

“How´s your twin?” a hint somewhere in her voice

“He´s fine, thanks”

“We´ve got to get together to catch up” one said, not sure now which one, they were similar when they acted this way, finding opportunities to touch my hands or arms, my knee even.

“Sure” another smile from me

“I want dessert” Jess said to Sheryl

“I don’t want to get to Crystals house too late –Nic said, it was surreal that we were eating with these people that hated her before, maybe they had changed too- so Mii, if you don’t mind we´ll skip dessert”

“Can we have it to go?” the little girl said

“Sure” Again, Camille didn’t get a no for an answer. They ordered their desserts

“Josh, Josh” I heard my name, I hadn’t noticed I wasn’t listening

“Yeah?” I looked at Nic

“Want anything?” she asked. I furrowed my eyebrows. Where was I?

“No, thanks” I didn’t want dessert, I just wanted to get out of there

“We can give you a ride home” Ash or Jess offered

“Nichole´s taking me, thanks” I declined

“Ah, I bet she wouldn’t want to have to detour…” one of the sisters said

“He´s coming to Crystals house, Ashley” Nichole replied, the three women gasped and stared at me, then Camille´s mom stared at Nichole

“Don’t worry” Nic said to the woman who narrowed her eyes but when Nichole glared she looked away with a huff, she asked for the check; when it came, Nichole placed the money on the tray they waiter had brought, the money for the other women too. So she paid for them now, were they… a family now? Nichole was that forgiving with people that had actually hurt her? Probably, after all I had also heard she´d been traveling with Vincent… but of course, neither of these people had given her the ability to kill people, I had…

“My…” I took out my walled, Nichole shook her head

“I´ve got it, let´s go” she stood up, Camille did the same and I followed them. Camille said goodbye, hugging and kissing her mother and waving to her other sisters, I just waved.