A/N: This is a very long two-part post. I actually read it twice once again but I´m sure there are many more mistakes than ever before ha!
Also this one comes with a song, I think it´s kinda like the post. The song is Silence by Lucia. Ah, there is another song mentioned: Toccata and Fugue (that part was funny haha)
I decided to include a quote that I really like and that as soon as I saw it I knew it was perfect for this post, it also made me remember one of my writing teachers: Ada, she was so strict when it came to grammar and stuff hahaha she´d give me a bad grade for this post lol (we had a writing blog for that class, she graded our posts) One think that she said was that we should start our writings in an intersting way and one interesting way was to use quotes or some little phrase before the main thing. I have a couple of other quotes for this story.
I had to fight Josh to let me write this one but once I started I couldnt finish!
****
“Love me when I least deserve it,
Because that´s when I really need it.”
~Swedish proverb
The three
hours and thirty minutes to Crystals house were done in silence; only the whistling
of the wind against the car as we went through the empty street gave any indication
that we were moving at all. We were
going fast, I had glanced at the speedometer a couple of times but in no way I
felt uncomfortable about it, I didn’t think about it at all… I knew Camille had
been asleep for about an hour but at the time I didn’t want to risk saying
anything. My anger was still there below my shock of seeing people I thought
I’d never see again and of doing things I didn’t think I´d ever do.
I hadn’t
thought I’d see Crystals house again, not that day, not ever. It was strange,
like seeing a ghost. That place where I had celebrated my birthday and had
found Nichole not knowing she owned the place… thinking she’d come for my
party, finding out she was there for her sister, it was the same, she was her
for her sister.
“Do you
want me to carry her inside?” I offered once we parked just outside the front double
doors.
“No, it´s
ok, she’ll wake up anyway… -Nichole told me just above a whisper- Camille, baby
–she shook Camille lightly- we’re home” she cooed. The younger girl blinked,
yawned, stirred and got out of the car hugging her arms around herself. She
walked inside like someone used to this routine. Nichole and I followed with
our backpacks.
The last
time I had been there the entrance and living room had been emptied, it had
been some kind of dance floor now there were couches, tables, plants, vases
with flowers, paintings, a big mirror and even a piano all of it lit by soft
yellow lights and perfumed by the smell of the white flowers and roses that
filled the bases on some of the tables. Roses and …maybe they were the ones
Camille had said were her favorite. I wondered vaguely what were Marissa’s
favorite flowers, what were Nichole´s…
“Take a seat,
please, I’ll be back in a while” Nic followed her sister who was already going
upstairs. When Nic talked to me Camille stopped and turned around with slightly
flushed cheeks
“I´m sorry
–Camille said sleepily- I had forgotten you were coming”
“Don’t
worry –I smiled- good night Camille”
“Good
night, Josh, thank you for coming and keeping us company” she smiled sleepily and
continued going up
“Do you
remember where the kitchen is? –Nic pointed to the archway at my right- take
anything you want from there. I´ll be back in a while” she said again. She
seemed anxious with that little wrinkle between her eyebrows. I nodded. I saw
them until they disappeared as they went up and then I sighed and turned
around. It was all silence except for distant crickets and perhaps frogs somewhere…
it sounded like Burgeoys at night; it felt familiar but not comforting at the
time.
I sat alone for a couple of minutes in the
empty place, with how silent it all was you could say I was all alone in a
ghost house. All the lights had been on
as if the house was waiting for us, I half expected the piano to start playing
itself on its own at any second and then I laughed at the absurdity of my
thoughts; a house as big as Crystals house would need a lot of people to keep
it, that people left the lights on and put the flowers. “Invisible servants” I
muttered Marissa´s words and continued waiting until after a minute or two I
grew anxious. I checked my phone; I had a text from Marissa, one from Aaron and
one from my mom.
Marissa
wished me good night and to feel better; I had texted her that I wasn’t going
to make it to movie night, that I was sorry and that we´d talk tomorrow. I was
very glad that she and I didn´t need to know all the reasons all the things the
other was doing when we were not together. I was immensely grateful for her understanding
personality. Aaron asked where I was and mom said thanks for the flowers. I
didn’t reply two of the three texts.
“I´m fine”
I texted Aaron
“Drunk? I
could join you” he texted a couple of minutes later as if he had been expecting
my reply
“Not drunk”
I replied
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure”
I texted
“Call me if
you need anything”
“I will” I
replied. He was with our parents; I knew he´d let them know I was ok. I knew
he’d keep his phone close just in case I decided I wanted him with me, I was
glad about that, more than I could ever tell him. He wouldn’t let me if I
wanted just like I don’t let him have to thank me for help. Helping the other
is a given for us.
I waited
for several minutes and then I just had to do something, anything. I had the strange
desire to go to the piano and play it, maybe to play Toccata and Fugue just
because that´s how eerie it was to be there. I could almost picture Karl and
Alexander walking through the double doors I had crossed a while ago. I had met
Karl Duchene only once before witnessing his death. He hadn’t been particularly
creepy or disturbing. He had been just a man in a suit, he hadn’t look
particularly threatening either, just like any other chairman or CEO, like many
I had met before, like many of my dad´s friends, maybe even like my dad or
Alexander, one of those men that knows how much his word is worth, how much his
time is worth.
When I had
seen him, both times, he had worn casual clothes, no tie, intense gaze, no
smile but the first time he’d projected a friendly aura, shaking both Aaron and
my hand with a firm grip. The second time I had seen him his gaze had been
fierce, decided… unapologetic and though he was dying, still, commanding. I
could almost feel the man there, walking through the halls alone as he plotted
my death maybe with a smile similar to his daughter’s.
In that
ghostly house it was also so easy to picture Alexander, not my grandpa, there
was no way I could picture my grandpa as the man that had died that day, no,
Alexander, the mad scientist, was another person entirely. That Alexander with
those cold eyes unlike anything I had seen before, a scowl distorting his face
that to me had always been gentle and wise. Hate in his face as he had steadily
aimed a gun to another person. The intention to kill had been clear in his gaze.
Until that day I had no idea that he knew how to shoot a weapon or that he
owned one. Cold eyes were the last thing I had seen of him before he’d closed
them as the bullet bit deep in his head. I hoped my eyes, so much like his,
never had that look in them. Alexander and Karl had been so similar, too
similar…
Instead of
playing that piano and instead of keeping with the idea that Karl and Alexander
belonged in that house, I ventured to the kitchen. I went through the living room
and then another living room and another room and then to my right I saw the dining
room, across it a door with a window in the shape of a circle, it was the
kitchen. I clearly remembered the first time I had been there. Nichole had
wanted cake and I had tricked my twin so that she and I went outside on our
own. She´d wanted to be with me but without him. I had enjoyed the silence that
we often shared back then.
I opened
the fridge and took a bottle of water, there wasn´t much food, perhaps enough
for the weekend, some already cooked and placed in transparent food containers.
“Invisible servants” I muttered again, perhaps because it was a distraction
from my older memories. I looked around the kitchen as I sat on one of the tall
stools on the other side of the kitchen island. When I had been there for the
first time the kitchen had been the one place where there was a picture of Nichole´s
mother. That had changed; as I had gone by the other rooms I had seen pictures
of her, pictures and paintings. She and Camille had the same amount of pictures
around, I couldn’t see any of Karl, Sheryl or Nichole but I hadn’t really paid
attention to the smaller ones.
Nichole
came to find me in the kitchen. She was now wearing a t-shirt and a sweater, no
shoes only her black socks. I noticed she kept that old habit; she´d never wore
anything but dark clothes, except the school uniform which required us to wear
a white shirt under our burgundy blazer but even then she was always wearing
her black gloves and black leggings or tights or stocking or whatever those
were.
“I´m sorry…
I waited for Camille to fall asleep again” Nichole said somewhat nervously. I didn’t
speak; I only stared at her, trying to make sense of what I had seen during the
afternoon, of what I was seeing then.
“The study
–she said opening the fridge and taking two water bottles- we´ll talk there” I
stood up and waited for her to lead the way. I wondered if she was going to try
to do something to distract me from my questions, from honoring her word. There
in her house, in the middle of nowhere it wouldn’t matter if I shouted or
accused her of anything, if she didn’t want to talk she wouldn’t and there
would be nothing I could do about it.
Nic turned
off the lights of the rooms we crossed; we went back to the first living room
and passed it by, she turned off those lights too, there were a couple of doors
and it felt like we circled the place before she opened a door to her left, got
inside and turned on the lights. The room had shelves filled with books and
some pictures I couldn’t make up. At the back of the room there was a big desk,
behind it a huge window partially covered by red curtains. On a side there was a
fire place and in the middle there was a lounge chair, an arm chair and a
rocking chair that didn’t match the rest but I didn’t comment on that. I sat on the arm chair as she closed the
door. I glanced at the clock above the door, it was ten to eleven. Nichole sat
in front of me, looked at me for a moment as I looked back at her but she didn’t
say anything, neither of us said a word for a long time.
“Do you
live here too?” I broke the tense silence. I had wanted to ask “who are you?”
instead.
“No, but I
come sometimes. It´s mine now” perhaps she thought of the time we saw each other
there when she denied this was her. It was her fathers and that, to her, didn’t
mean it was hers.
“You have a
lot of houses now” I’m not sure why I said that
“So do you”
she stated. I only had one house… well, my parents’ house, the place where I
lived for school, the log house I used… technically there was grandpa´s house
too, I nodded reluctantly
“Why do you
avoid me so much now?” I asked after another moment in silence; it was obvious
she wasn’t planning to say a thing if I didn’t ask. We’d spent some time alone
back in Burgeoys and pretty much everywhere we went but it had never felt so
tense.
“You don’t
want a friend like me” she said and my anger resurfaced. No, I didn’t want that
person, no. I huffed. Had she been that person all along and I had just met the
mask, I thought- that couldn’t be.
“You said
answers…” I shook my head lightly. I wanted to know what had happened three
years ago
“Yes” she
nodded
“What
happened three years ago?” I asked, she opened her mouth “No –I interrupted- no
–I closed my eyes- I saw you a Saturday, we visited Ashley… was that goodbye?”
I had always wondered if she’d planned that, if that´s why she’d told me how
he’d died.
“No” she
said softly
“Why did
you take me?”
“I wanted
you to know… him, to know me; I guess I wanted you to see me…” a tiny wrinkle
on her forehead
“To push me
away in some other way?” I said dryly
“No, to beg
you to be careful” she looked into my eyes; she looked calmed, I didn’t feel
calmed at all, how did she do that?
“What
happened… if that wasn’t goodbye… you totally left without one”
“I know”
“Why?
Wasn’t I meaningful enough for that?” I raised my eyebrow
“I knew
–she sighed- I knew Natasha would go to you, I didn’t want her to have a reason
to hurt you, she’d have known if you lied, you couldn’t know…”
“I wouldn’t
have told her anything” I shook my head. She hadn’t trust me, not enough, that
hurt back then and I found out that it kept hurting.
“I know
–she smiled weakly- but she would´ve known you knew, you’re a bad liar…”
“So, not
being a proficient liar is bad?” I spat
“No, of
course not, it´s great… but I didn’t want her to hurt you” you expect to get
some kind of change in the other person´s voice when yours change but Nichole´s
voice remained steady and calmed. Rehearsed? Faked? That thoroughly annoyed me.
“She
kidnapped me anyway” my jaw clenched. I had seen a few hours earlier the woman
that had kidnapped me and had gotten away with it as if it had meant nothing. Back
then, her ring had cut my cheek; it had constantly reminded me that I had been
taken against my will and that no justice had been made.
“I know –she
closed her eyes for a second- and I´m sorry about that”
“It could’ve
been avoided if you had said anything, something” I reproached, she looked down
to her lap
“Maybe…”
her voice grew quiet, changing for the first time. I wanted to make her say I
was right but there was no way to know for sure if I was actually right. I
sighed in frustration
“You called
me once and told me not to contact you… did you already know…?” Who I was and my part in your strange ability
was the unsaid part. My heart raced a little, I wanted to know the answer but
at the same time I didn’t want to.
“No” she
said at once and shook her head as if to make it clear
“Then what
made you leave? I don’t understand…”
“I told you
I´d see Camille that next day –she looked at me in question, I nodded letting
her know I remembered- ah, Natasha was supposed to take Camille to see me… they
never came. I was mad. I had gone out of Burgeoys very early and she just
cancelled –she shrugged, her lips becoming a thin line-… somehow the journal
fell out of my bag, I saw a picture and I just read the journal, a part of it,
the first part, the part about Nat… -she inhaled deeply, quietly- I had asked her
many times if she knew how I got this –she showed me her hands- about who I was,
maybe with the hope that it could be changed…” she said and it was like a blow
to my chest, it was sad, well I had guessed she longed for that to be changed
but to hear it in her voice made it an entity of its own.
“She always
said she didn’t know anything about it, that she´d always just been the coffee
bringer, an assistant without any access to any document –she continued- I knew
she lied not just how much… -she sighed and paused studying my face for a
second- you know I wanted to leave that year… I just couldn’t take it anymore…”
“You said
we’d graduate together…” I reminded her; after everything that had happened I
thought that particular promise wasn’t important… every promise is important I
heard in the back of my mind.
“I know
–she frowned- but you saw what I did; I would´ve kept doing that… I felt
terrible doing it and it scared me that someone knew so much about what we did,
what I did. I had to stop it. I couldn’t stop it if I stayed”
“If it
scared you that I knew going away like that didn’t ensure my silence” I
narrowed my eyes
“I knew you
wouldn´t use what you knew… and you just said you wouldn’t have said anything”
she reminded me
“You didn’t
have to tell me not to call you, to ignore me so thoroughly to make it stop
either…” I furrowed my eyebrows
“Yes, I
did. Nat, like everybody else thought we were together and even if she didn’t,
she knew you were my friend –I noticed the word “were”, it hurt- she… -Nic
closed her eyes- she checked both your phone records and mine… trying to find
me, your brother’s as well…” she looked appalled to tell me this; my eyes were
huge and my jaw had dropped.
“What?!
How…?”
“She´s good
with computers” Nichole shrugged. We
were in silence for a moment. I couldn’t believe just how much that woman had
been so informed about my life.
“But you
called me, I texted you, I had texted you before, you once or twice did too.
Wouldn’t she…?”
“I always
erased those records” she looked ashamed
“You what? –I
said through gritted teeth- Why? How?” I asked in rapid succession
“That’s why
I never gave you my number, it was always traced… when you gave one, well, you
didn’t accept my negative –she smiled a little- so I just erased the records
between our phones… since the beginning, just in case…” she once again looked
embarrassed
“How…?” was
she some kind of hacker? I would´ve never guessed that
“Ah… well…
I got in the phone company´s computers…”
“You hacked
in…?”
“Ah… yeah…”
she admitted in a quiet voice
“You can…?”
I stopped myself, it shouldn’t surprise me, this girl could kill with her touch
why not hack and erase records that weren’t hers… well, half of them at least
were hers…
“Did you… did you see everything I texted?”
anger, betrayal and alarm in my voice. She shook her head
“I filtered
my search between your number and mine, I never saw anything else. I didn’t do
it to spy on you just to avoid her and my mess getting to you. I know you
probably don’t believe me but it´s true”
“Why didn’t
you just tell me?” I growled
“Josh… we
were seventeen, you were the first friend I´d had after what felt like a long
time, you knew what I did, I didn’t want to have to see the look of terror in
your eyes again or … -she scrubbed a hand over her face- or the one of distrust
you just gave me…which I deserve I know –I was about to protest, she didn’t let
me- I was a freak, a weirdo, everybody knew but you didn’t want to think so, I
didn’t want to give you any more reasons for you to start thinking they were
right… -she inhaled deeply again- also
the more you knew, the more danger for you” she held my gaze as if trying to
convince me, I stared, shut my eyes close and shook my head trying to
understand.
“Alright,
if you didn’t say goodbye to protect me, if you hacked my phone to protect me,
if you severed our friendship to protect me –by then I was talking through
gritted teeth- why didn’t you say anything when I was kidnapped? Why I was sent
with some thug back to school? Why did you leave me with that murderer when Alexander
died?” I noticed I had raised my voice by the end. She drank half of the water
bottle, put it on the table between us, tilted her head a little to a side like
listening for something
“When I knew
–she moved her finger to her mouth as if she was going to bite her nail but she
couldn’t do that, she was wearing gloves. She seemed to realize it immediately
and proceeded to place her hand on her lap, sat a little straighter, squared
her shoulders, lifted her chin up slightly before she continued- whom I was;
who you were… I debated what to do about it…” she’d gone back to her calmed
ways. I know I was blinking madly because I started to see her cut, like one of
those old movies: her image, darkness, her face, darkness again
“…What to
do with the information, with … -she sighed- it was mind blowing to find out I
had acquired this … -she pursed her lips- ability… and that it was… eh… linked
to you. I spent days wondering if you knew; if things would’ve been different
if I didn’t have it…. I spent days and nights thinking what it all meant, what
to do with what I knew…” her voice had gone quieter as if she was going back to
that time. I blinked, what to do, did she mean, kill me, yeah, most likely.
“…But in
the end –she continued- you’re, somehow, the only life I ever saved…” she said
those words again, she´d said them the time she’d agreed to not avoid me. My
life being saved cost so many lives. I felt small and for a second I had wanted
to stop her
“So I couldn’t…
-she continued- I didn’t want to follow Ibsen or Karl or Nat’s plans, not anymore.
At the time, I was the mean for them to get what they wanted, so if I stayed
away, if I left, you and your family were safe, safer. I had decided to
disappear from everything I was, to start all over again somewhere else, to
just forget it all –she shrugged lightly- until Natasha took you… she didn’t
know I knew, she had the idea that I’d come for you no matter what… -she
sighed- and… well, I thought it was safer, better, for you to go back instead
of being there with Nat and me, I was more the danger to you than Nat and I
knew the driver wouldn’t harm you”
“There was
no way for you to know that!” I raised my voice as I ignored all the rest of
the information, starting by the fact that she had debated whether to kill me
or not.
“There was
an unspoken bargain, your safety for my coming back….”
“What? You
trusted Strasberg not to give the order to shoot me?!” I hissed
“No, I
didn’t trust her, but I knew her plan, her ways and I sent you with only my
driver…”
“And a dagger
–I scoffed- the man could’ve had a gun!”
“He didn’t,
my drivers weren’t given guns, knives, yes, but I had taken out of the cars
before I got in the cabin … I trusted you could defend yourself if he acted but
he wouldn’t. He knew what I did, how my other driver had died, he was scared of
me… they all thought…they thought you were mine” she winced
“I thought
you were a secret” I ignored the you were mine part
“It´s… it
was like some kind of cult, Josh, the closer to the higher ups, the more things
they knew, if they drove me, they were trusted, if they got to see me and know
who I was they both knew I could kill them easily… most didn’t know exactly it
worked but if they knew how I looked like they´d seen it happen…”
“You
could´ve told me all that…” I remembered being scared to death with the creepy
man, she shook her head
“It had to
end, I couldn’t say much, let Nat know anything”
“Were you
still debating, knowing who I was?” I said bitterly
“I was sure
I didn’t want to end your life… I debated giving you the journal but I hoped to
spare you the knowledge” she said, I scoffed
“Didn’t
trust me with the information?” I said, she frowned
“It… talked
about Alexander, the man you loved like a father. It talked of your little
girl, how she was real and you´ve been made to believe she was not…” she trailed
off, she was right, that little book had destroyed all my trust in my grandpa,
he was, had been a twisted man, he´d lied to me and everybody but was it really
better to live in the fantasy that he was angel like, savior of my life, good
family man? I guess I wasn’t the one to talk; I had and still have the resolve
to never tell Aaron or my family about it, the truth about him. I had decided
to let them mourn and remember the man that my grandpa had been, the one we all
thought he was but that he hadn´t been. I could understand this part. I was
doing the same. I nodded
“When you
left… -Nichole continued, slow, quiet and reluctant- I wanted to know the truth
from Nat, I was… I think I was going to kill her but she told me something that
only Alexander could confirm and that was why I knew, once Karl and Alexander
were dead that she wouldn’t hurt you, she wouldn’t shoot you” she addressed my
accusation back in her apartment
“I don’t
think that woman´s word is reliable” I spat, anger doubled
“No, but in
a very wrong way she´s always been planning to… eliminate those who she thought
wrong me and her, in a very twisted way… she´s wanted to keep me close –she
looked down- to harm you then would’ve been to lose me”
“To lose
you? You’re speaking of her as if she loved you, the woman that sent you to
kill people, that kidnapped your friend to manipulate you, that traced all your
calls, that lied to you, that didn’t let you see your sister, that stabbed you
when you were a child –I had leaned in closer as I said and steadily raised my
voice making myself stop when I heard my own voice echoing in the room- Do you
have some kind of … do you have one of those Nightingale or Stockholm kind of
syndrome?”
“I am very
stupid, I know –she sounded sad- and I’ve asked myself countless times if I
have one of those syndromes you´re saying but she really didn’t want to lose
me, I´m not saying it´s love more like –she bent until her face touched her
knees, she inhaled deeply- more like a pathologic sense of belonging… I might
have it too” she said slowly going back to her prior position, I stared
“Do you
love this woman? Is that why you keep her around?” I had stood up by now, it
was so wrong.
“No –her
quiet voice got a little louder and then back to normal-, I don’t. I wanted to
kill her, she´s… one of the few that I´ve wanted to but I really didn’t want to
kill another parent and keeping her close is safer than letting her plot
somewhere I can’t see”
“Another
parent? She´s not your mother” I growled
“Yes, she
is”
“What? –I
sat, this was bad, she was…ill- your mother´s dead”
“In a way
both Miriam and Natasha are my mother”
“What are
you talking about?” this was bizarre, too crazy, she was saying crazy things,
it was not coherent but something told me she was telling the truth, maybe I
was crazy too for believing her. I knew she was trained to do certain things;
maybe she was using her training to trick me.
“Do you
remember Ibsen said Miriam was a… donor, as was Karl –I nodded- they were going
to have an in vitro so… -she trailed off- you know how that works… -she shook
her head, of course I knew, many fertilized eggs are implanted, multiple
pregnancies are more likely… I made a motion for her to continue- Nat was also
a volunteer, both Miriam and Nat got implanted fertilized eggs, Miriam children.
Nat´s baby was born first, a couple days later Miriam´s baby was born, Miriam´s
died… The crew, the head of the crew –she avoided saying Alexander´s name- took
Nat´s child and gave it to Miriam because they wanted to keep Miriam in the
project, both children were girls, one a couple of days older… Natasha was
actually the one who named me Nichole…”
“Are you
saying you´re Strasberg’s kid? Do you believe her?”
“That’s why
I was at Alexander´s… that time, so he could prove it”
“He
wouldn’t have proved it if you asked” I wasn’t like him but if I had been him I
wouldn’t have done anything for her
“He thought
I didn’t know. I pretended that when he said it… it looked like it had been the
first time, I pretended that it had hurt me to know I wasn’t Miriam’s daughter
–she stopped talking and started breathing in and out as she blinked a couple
of times, it did hurt her even now- I didn’t…I really didn´t have to pretend
that much…”
“He
could´ve lied to make a point, to hurt you” he was a good liar; he´d fooled me
and all my family.
“I know but
he showed me papers, proof, pictures… then later, before the funeral Nat showed
me this…DNA sequence, I don’t know, the eggs implanted in her… well some genes
were not Karl or Miriam´s but Nat´s… so even if she actually lied about giving
birth to me, even if Alexander did it just to hurt me and faked the proof…
blood doesn’t lie, I have something of hers in me, besides being mental and a
terrible person” her voice faltered and a stream of tears stained her face, she
angrily cleaned them with the back of her hand. She seemed sad, it touched me
but if I were her I wouldn’t want to be related to that woman, to have her near
like she did, to me it is awful to be related to Alexander… to hear that I am
the spitting image of him when he was young.
“You didn’t
have to leave me with her, with two dead bodies” I couldn’t erase that image
from my head despite her tears. In my head I could still see the blood staining
the carpet, the wooden floor, I could still feel my heart pounding hard against
my chest, the fear of being the next dead body, the worry of being left alone
with the woman who had kidnapped and hurt me without consequence. It had been
the worst experience of my life, maybe the second worst after drowning and then
even that related to all of it making it even worst… one huge nightmare. For a
minute, as I thought about it, it was like I was there again, my back against
the bookshelf as the afternoon fell and the wind picked up. The bushes outside
the window brushed and hit the glass; that had brought me back. She hadn’t said
any other word.
“Do you
have any idea of what I went through? -I shouted and half stood up, she closed
her eyes and still didn’t say a word- Why? –I shouted, the wind made it sound
less than what it was- why did you leave me alone? Ignored? Forgotten? Why?” I
hardly ever shouted. I did it a lot that day. Her head hung down.
“You had
seen me –she said in a quiet voice- the monster I had been hiding, you were
going to see more of it with that journal. The only life I ever saved, the only
one that thought I wasn’t just some weapon or experiment or asset or belonging
would see what I really was, what monster I really am…” it was as if when she
let her tears fall freely the sky also cried, it poured, wind throwing the
heavy and sudden raindrops against the window. Rain was the only sound after
her words died. It surrounded us, swallowed every other sound.
It brought
back memories.
I wanted to
keep shouting, to say that was stupid, that I was never given the opportunity
to react, to say something about the whole thing; that it was unfair I was a
prop for how it all was planned. That it was unfair that I had to lie so that
the whole thing looked like it had been thieves when I had seen and heard
exactly what had happened; that I had no one to talk about it, that I had been
treated like a pariah, as if I was being punished, pointed out that I had been
the cause and that it all made my nightmares worse as she was freaking partying
in Europe with Vincent of all people and….
“Fuck! –I
shouted- why did it have to rain tonight?!” I sagged on the chair. That night, three
years ago, when I was back home, after witnessing death thinking I´d die next;
being abandoned with a psycho; learning my beloved grandpa was another psycho
that was basically some kind of Frankenstein, that my best friend was actually
an experiment and an assassin; after having lied to the police about the events
it had rained, hard, long and I had been paralyzed, had a panic attack, one of
the worst after so many years of keeping it more or less under control. I hadn’t
been able to breathe to the point that I passed out and as I had fallen to the
floor my brain had fed me images of my nightmares, of the pain that had been to
drown, to die. I had found out I had died, was I who I had been before that?
Would I be different if it hadn’t happen? I wondered…until it was all darkness.
And it
happened again in that ghostly house... I started to feel my throat closing, my heart
beating faster. I could hear my ragged breaths. The lack of air was painful.
The memories hurt me. Everything crashed and fell on me and I was in deep
waters. I tried to focus, it wasn’t real, it was just rain, I wasn’t in the
pool, I wasn’t being pointed with a gun by my grandpa, I wasn’t falling. I told
myself I could control it. I had forgiven and forgotten… I tried to tell myself
so many things, to put order to my thoughts, to rein my emotions, to stop my
memories but in a second only one thing mattered. I had only one thought: I was
in the pool and the water burnt my lungs.
I…
Couldn’t…
Breathe.
Air…
Air, I
needed air. Air...
