Through my eyes: About ghosts and nightmares

A/N: This is a very long two-part post. I actually read it twice once again but I´m sure there are many more mistakes than ever before ha! 

Also this one comes with a song, I think it´s kinda like the post. The song is Silence by Lucia. Ah, there is another song mentioned: Toccata and Fugue (that part was funny haha) 

I decided to include a quote that I really like and that as soon as I saw it I knew it was perfect for this post, it also made me remember one of my writing teachers: Ada, she was so strict when it came to grammar and stuff hahaha she´d give me a bad grade for this post lol (we had a writing blog for that class, she graded our posts) One think that she said was that we should start our writings in an intersting way and one interesting way was to use quotes or some little phrase before the main thing. I have a couple of other quotes for this story.

I had to fight Josh to let me write this one but once I started I couldnt finish!

**** 

“Love me when I least deserve it,

Because that´s when I really need it.”

~Swedish proverb

The three hours and thirty minutes to Crystals house were done in silence; only the whistling of the wind against the car as we went through the empty street gave any indication that we were moving at all.  We were going fast, I had glanced at the speedometer a couple of times but in no way I felt uncomfortable about it, I didn’t think about it at all… I knew Camille had been asleep for about an hour but at the time I didn’t want to risk saying anything. My anger was still there below my shock of seeing people I thought I’d never see again and of doing things I didn’t think I´d ever do.

I hadn’t thought I’d see Crystals house again, not that day, not ever. It was strange, like seeing a ghost. That place where I had celebrated my birthday and had found Nichole not knowing she owned the place… thinking she’d come for my party, finding out she was there for her sister, it was the same, she was her for her sister.

“Do you want me to carry her inside?” I offered once we parked just outside the front double doors.  

“No, it´s ok, she’ll wake up anyway… -Nichole told me just above a whisper- Camille, baby –she shook Camille lightly- we’re home” she cooed. The younger girl blinked, yawned, stirred and got out of the car hugging her arms around herself. She walked inside like someone used to this routine. Nichole and I followed with our backpacks.

The last time I had been there the entrance and living room had been emptied, it had been some kind of dance floor now there were couches, tables, plants, vases with flowers, paintings, a big mirror and even a piano all of it lit by soft yellow lights and perfumed by the smell of the white flowers and roses that filled the bases on some of the tables. Roses and …maybe they were the ones Camille had said were her favorite. I wondered vaguely what were Marissa’s favorite flowers, what were Nichole´s…

“Take a seat, please, I’ll be back in a while” Nic followed her sister who was already going upstairs. When Nic talked to me Camille stopped and turned around with slightly flushed cheeks

“I´m sorry –Camille said sleepily- I had forgotten you were coming”

“Don’t worry –I smiled- good night Camille”

“Good night, Josh, thank you for coming and keeping us company” she smiled sleepily and continued going up

“Do you remember where the kitchen is? –Nic pointed to the archway at my right- take anything you want from there. I´ll be back in a while” she said again. She seemed anxious with that little wrinkle between her eyebrows. I nodded. I saw them until they disappeared as they went up and then I sighed and turned around. It was all silence except for distant crickets and perhaps frogs somewhere… it sounded like Burgeoys at night; it felt familiar but not comforting at the time.

 I sat alone for a couple of minutes in the empty place, with how silent it all was you could say I was all alone in a ghost house.  All the lights had been on as if the house was waiting for us, I half expected the piano to start playing itself on its own at any second and then I laughed at the absurdity of my thoughts; a house as big as Crystals house would need a lot of people to keep it, that people left the lights on and put the flowers. “Invisible servants” I muttered Marissa´s words and continued waiting until after a minute or two I grew anxious. I checked my phone; I had a text from Marissa, one from Aaron and one from my mom.

Marissa wished me good night and to feel better; I had texted her that I wasn’t going to make it to movie night, that I was sorry and that we´d talk tomorrow. I was very glad that she and I didn´t need to know all the reasons all the things the other was doing when we were not together. I was immensely grateful for her understanding personality. Aaron asked where I was and mom said thanks for the flowers. I didn’t reply two of the three texts.

“I´m fine” I texted Aaron

“Drunk? I could join you” he texted a couple of minutes later as if he had been expecting my reply

“Not drunk” I replied

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure” I texted

“Call me if you need anything”

“I will” I replied. He was with our parents; I knew he´d let them know I was ok. I knew he’d keep his phone close just in case I decided I wanted him with me, I was glad about that, more than I could ever tell him. He wouldn’t let me if I wanted just like I don’t let him have to thank me for help. Helping the other is a given for us.

I waited for several minutes and then I just had to do something, anything. I had the strange desire to go to the piano and play it, maybe to play Toccata and Fugue just because that´s how eerie it was to be there. I could almost picture Karl and Alexander walking through the double doors I had crossed a while ago. I had met Karl Duchene only once before witnessing his death. He hadn’t been particularly creepy or disturbing. He had been just a man in a suit, he hadn’t look particularly threatening either, just like any other chairman or CEO, like many I had met before, like many of my dad´s friends, maybe even like my dad or Alexander, one of those men that knows how much his word is worth, how much his time is worth.

When I had seen him, both times, he had worn casual clothes, no tie, intense gaze, no smile but the first time he’d projected a friendly aura, shaking both Aaron and my hand with a firm grip. The second time I had seen him his gaze had been fierce, decided… unapologetic and though he was dying, still, commanding. I could almost feel the man there, walking through the halls alone as he plotted my death maybe with a smile similar to his daughter’s.

In that ghostly house it was also so easy to picture Alexander, not my grandpa, there was no way I could picture my grandpa as the man that had died that day, no, Alexander, the mad scientist, was another person entirely. That Alexander with those cold eyes unlike anything I had seen before, a scowl distorting his face that to me had always been gentle and wise. Hate in his face as he had steadily aimed a gun to another person. The intention to kill had been clear in his gaze. Until that day I had no idea that he knew how to shoot a weapon or that he owned one. Cold eyes were the last thing I had seen of him before he’d closed them as the bullet bit deep in his head. I hoped my eyes, so much like his, never had that look in them. Alexander and Karl had been so similar, too similar…

Instead of playing that piano and instead of keeping with the idea that Karl and Alexander belonged in that house, I ventured to the kitchen. I went through the living room and then another living room and another room and then to my right I saw the dining room, across it a door with a window in the shape of a circle, it was the kitchen. I clearly remembered the first time I had been there. Nichole had wanted cake and I had tricked my twin so that she and I went outside on our own. She´d wanted to be with me but without him. I had enjoyed the silence that we often shared back then.

I opened the fridge and took a bottle of water, there wasn´t much food, perhaps enough for the weekend, some already cooked and placed in transparent food containers. “Invisible servants” I muttered again, perhaps because it was a distraction from my older memories. I looked around the kitchen as I sat on one of the tall stools on the other side of the kitchen island. When I had been there for the first time the kitchen had been the one place where there was a picture of Nichole´s mother. That had changed; as I had gone by the other rooms I had seen pictures of her, pictures and paintings. She and Camille had the same amount of pictures around, I couldn’t see any of Karl, Sheryl or Nichole but I hadn’t really paid attention to the smaller ones.

Nichole came to find me in the kitchen. She was now wearing a t-shirt and a sweater, no shoes only her black socks. I noticed she kept that old habit; she´d never wore anything but dark clothes, except the school uniform which required us to wear a white shirt under our burgundy blazer but even then she was always wearing her black gloves and black leggings or tights or stocking or whatever those were.

“I´m sorry… I waited for Camille to fall asleep again” Nichole said somewhat nervously. I didn’t speak; I only stared at her, trying to make sense of what I had seen during the afternoon, of what I was seeing then.

“The study –she said opening the fridge and taking two water bottles- we´ll talk there” I stood up and waited for her to lead the way. I wondered if she was going to try to do something to distract me from my questions, from honoring her word. There in her house, in the middle of nowhere it wouldn’t matter if I shouted or accused her of anything, if she didn’t want to talk she wouldn’t and there would be nothing I could do about it.

Nic turned off the lights of the rooms we crossed; we went back to the first living room and passed it by, she turned off those lights too, there were a couple of doors and it felt like we circled the place before she opened a door to her left, got inside and turned on the lights. The room had shelves filled with books and some pictures I couldn’t make up. At the back of the room there was a big desk, behind it a huge window partially covered by red curtains. On a side there was a fire place and in the middle there was a lounge chair, an arm chair and a rocking chair that didn’t match the rest but I didn’t comment on that.  I sat on the arm chair as she closed the door. I glanced at the clock above the door, it was ten to eleven. Nichole sat in front of me, looked at me for a moment as I looked back at her but she didn’t say anything, neither of us said a word for a long time. 

“Do you live here too?” I broke the tense silence. I had wanted to ask “who are you?” instead.

“No, but I come sometimes. It´s mine now” perhaps she thought of the time we saw each other there when she denied this was her. It was her fathers and that, to her, didn’t mean it was hers.

“You have a lot of houses now” I’m not sure why I said that

“So do you” she stated. I only had one house… well, my parents’ house, the place where I lived for school, the log house I used… technically there was grandpa´s house too, I nodded reluctantly

“Why do you avoid me so much now?” I asked after another moment in silence; it was obvious she wasn’t planning to say a thing if I didn’t ask. We’d spent some time alone back in Burgeoys and pretty much everywhere we went but it had never felt so tense.

“You don’t want a friend like me” she said and my anger resurfaced. No, I didn’t want that person, no. I huffed. Had she been that person all along and I had just met the mask, I thought- that couldn’t be.

“You said answers…” I shook my head lightly. I wanted to know what had happened three years ago

“Yes” she nodded

“What happened three years ago?” I asked, she opened her mouth “No –I interrupted- no –I closed my eyes- I saw you a Saturday, we visited Ashley… was that goodbye?” I had always wondered if she’d planned that, if that´s why she’d told me how he’d died.

“No” she said softly

“Why did you take me?”

“I wanted you to know… him, to know me; I guess I wanted you to see me…” a tiny wrinkle on her forehead

“To push me away in some other way?” I said dryly

“No, to beg you to be careful” she looked into my eyes; she looked calmed, I didn’t feel calmed at all, how did she do that?

“What happened… if that wasn’t goodbye… you totally left without one”

“I know”

“Why? Wasn’t I meaningful enough for that?” I raised my eyebrow

“I knew –she sighed- I knew Natasha would go to you, I didn’t want her to have a reason to hurt you, she’d have known if you lied, you couldn’t know…”

“I wouldn’t have told her anything” I shook my head. She hadn’t trust me, not enough, that hurt back then and I found out that it kept hurting.

“I know –she smiled weakly- but she would´ve known you knew, you’re a bad liar…”

“So, not being a proficient liar is bad?” I spat

“No, of course not, it´s great… but I didn’t want her to hurt you” you expect to get some kind of change in the other person´s voice when yours change but Nichole´s voice remained steady and calmed. Rehearsed? Faked? That thoroughly annoyed me.

“She kidnapped me anyway” my jaw clenched. I had seen a few hours earlier the woman that had kidnapped me and had gotten away with it as if it had meant nothing. Back then, her ring had cut my cheek; it had constantly reminded me that I had been taken against my will and that no justice had been made.

“I know –she closed her eyes for a second- and I´m sorry about that”

“It could’ve been avoided if you had said anything, something” I reproached, she looked down to her lap

“Maybe…” her voice grew quiet, changing for the first time. I wanted to make her say I was right but there was no way to know for sure if I was actually right. I sighed in frustration

“You called me once and told me not to contact you… did you already know…?”  Who I was and my part in your strange ability was the unsaid part. My heart raced a little, I wanted to know the answer but at the same time I didn’t want to.

“No” she said at once and shook her head as if to make it clear

“Then what made you leave? I don’t understand…”

“I told you I´d see Camille that next day –she looked at me in question, I nodded letting her know I remembered- ah, Natasha was supposed to take Camille to see me… they never came. I was mad. I had gone out of Burgeoys very early and she just cancelled –she shrugged, her lips becoming a thin line-… somehow the journal fell out of my bag, I saw a picture and I just read the journal, a part of it, the first part, the part about Nat… -she inhaled deeply, quietly- I had asked her many times if she knew how I got this –she showed me her hands- about who I was, maybe with the hope that it could be changed…” she said and it was like a blow to my chest, it was sad, well I had guessed she longed for that to be changed but to hear it in her voice made it an entity of its own.

“She always said she didn’t know anything about it, that she´d always just been the coffee bringer, an assistant without any access to any document –she continued- I knew she lied not just how much… -she sighed and paused studying my face for a second- you know I wanted to leave that year… I just couldn’t take it anymore…”

“You said we’d graduate together…” I reminded her; after everything that had happened I thought that particular promise wasn’t important… every promise is important I heard in the back of my mind.

“I know –she frowned- but you saw what I did; I would´ve kept doing that… I felt terrible doing it and it scared me that someone knew so much about what we did, what I did. I had to stop it. I couldn’t stop it if I stayed”

“If it scared you that I knew going away like that didn’t ensure my silence” I narrowed my eyes

“I knew you wouldn´t use what you knew… and you just said you wouldn’t have said anything” she reminded me 

“You didn’t have to tell me not to call you, to ignore me so thoroughly to make it stop either…” I furrowed my eyebrows

“Yes, I did. Nat, like everybody else thought we were together and even if she didn’t, she knew you were my friend –I noticed the word “were”, it hurt- she… -Nic closed her eyes- she checked both your phone records and mine… trying to find me, your brother’s as well…” she looked appalled to tell me this; my eyes were huge and my jaw had dropped.

“What?! How…?”

“She´s good with computers” Nichole shrugged.  We were in silence for a moment. I couldn’t believe just how much that woman had been so informed about my life.

“But you called me, I texted you, I had texted you before, you once or twice did too. Wouldn’t she…?”

“I always erased those records” she looked ashamed

“You what? –I said through gritted teeth- Why? How?” I asked in rapid succession

“That’s why I never gave you my number, it was always traced… when you gave one, well, you didn’t accept my negative –she smiled a little- so I just erased the records between our phones… since the beginning, just in case…” she once again looked embarrassed

“How…?” was she some kind of hacker? I would´ve never guessed that

“Ah… well… I got in the phone company´s computers…”

“You hacked in…?”

“Ah… yeah…” she admitted in a quiet voice

“You can…?” I stopped myself, it shouldn’t surprise me, this girl could kill with her touch why not hack and erase records that weren’t hers… well, half of them at least were hers…

 “Did you… did you see everything I texted?” anger, betrayal and alarm in my voice. She shook her head

“I filtered my search between your number and mine, I never saw anything else. I didn’t do it to spy on you just to avoid her and my mess getting to you. I know you probably don’t believe me but it´s true”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” I growled

“Josh… we were seventeen, you were the first friend I´d had after what felt like a long time, you knew what I did, I didn’t want to have to see the look of terror in your eyes again or … -she scrubbed a hand over her face- or the one of distrust you just gave me…which I deserve I know –I was about to protest, she didn’t let me- I was a freak, a weirdo, everybody knew but you didn’t want to think so, I didn’t want to give you any more reasons for you to start thinking they were right… -she inhaled deeply again-  also the more you knew, the more danger for you” she held my gaze as if trying to convince me, I stared, shut my eyes close and shook my head trying to understand.

“Alright, if you didn’t say goodbye to protect me, if you hacked my phone to protect me, if you severed our friendship to protect me –by then I was talking through gritted teeth- why didn’t you say anything when I was kidnapped? Why I was sent with some thug back to school? Why did you leave me with that murderer when Alexander died?” I noticed I had raised my voice by the end. She drank half of the water bottle, put it on the table between us, tilted her head a little to a side like listening for something

“When I knew –she moved her finger to her mouth as if she was going to bite her nail but she couldn’t do that, she was wearing gloves. She seemed to realize it immediately and proceeded to place her hand on her lap, sat a little straighter, squared her shoulders, lifted her chin up slightly before she continued- whom I was; who you were… I debated what to do about it…” she’d gone back to her calmed ways. I know I was blinking madly because I started to see her cut, like one of those old movies: her image, darkness, her face, darkness again

“…What to do with the information, with … -she sighed- it was mind blowing to find out I had acquired this … -she pursed her lips- ability… and that it was… eh… linked to you. I spent days wondering if you knew; if things would’ve been different if I didn’t have it…. I spent days and nights thinking what it all meant, what to do with what I knew…” her voice had gone quieter as if she was going back to that time. I blinked, what to do, did she mean, kill me, yeah, most likely.

“…But in the end –she continued- you’re, somehow, the only life I ever saved…” she said those words again, she´d said them the time she’d agreed to not avoid me. My life being saved cost so many lives. I felt small and for a second I had wanted to stop her

“So I couldn’t… -she continued- I didn’t want to follow Ibsen or Karl or Nat’s plans, not anymore. At the time, I was the mean for them to get what they wanted, so if I stayed away, if I left, you and your family were safe, safer. I had decided to disappear from everything I was, to start all over again somewhere else, to just forget it all –she shrugged lightly- until Natasha took you… she didn’t know I knew, she had the idea that I’d come for you no matter what… -she sighed- and… well, I thought it was safer, better, for you to go back instead of being there with Nat and me, I was more the danger to you than Nat and I knew the driver wouldn’t harm you”

“There was no way for you to know that!” I raised my voice as I ignored all the rest of the information, starting by the fact that she had debated whether to kill me or not.

“There was an unspoken bargain, your safety for my coming back….”

“What? You trusted Strasberg not to give the order to shoot me?!” I hissed

“No, I didn’t trust her, but I knew her plan, her ways and I sent you with only my driver…”

“And a dagger –I scoffed- the man could’ve had a gun!”

“He didn’t, my drivers weren’t given guns, knives, yes, but I had taken out of the cars before I got in the cabin … I trusted you could defend yourself if he acted but he wouldn’t. He knew what I did, how my other driver had died, he was scared of me… they all thought…they thought you were mine” she winced

“I thought you were a secret” I ignored the you were mine part

“It´s… it was like some kind of cult, Josh, the closer to the higher ups, the more things they knew, if they drove me, they were trusted, if they got to see me and know who I was they both knew I could kill them easily… most didn’t know exactly it worked but if they knew how I looked like they´d seen it happen…”

“You could´ve told me all that…” I remembered being scared to death with the creepy man, she shook her head

“It had to end, I couldn’t say much, let Nat know anything”

“Were you still debating, knowing who I was?” I said bitterly

“I was sure I didn’t want to end your life… I debated giving you the journal but I hoped to spare you the knowledge” she said, I scoffed

“Didn’t trust me with the information?” I said, she frowned

“It… talked about Alexander, the man you loved like a father. It talked of your little girl, how she was real and you´ve been made to believe she was not…” she trailed off, she was right, that little book had destroyed all my trust in my grandpa, he was, had been a twisted man, he´d lied to me and everybody but was it really better to live in the fantasy that he was angel like, savior of my life, good family man? I guess I wasn’t the one to talk; I had and still have the resolve to never tell Aaron or my family about it, the truth about him. I had decided to let them mourn and remember the man that my grandpa had been, the one we all thought he was but that he hadn´t been. I could understand this part. I was doing the same. I nodded

“When you left… -Nichole continued, slow, quiet and reluctant- I wanted to know the truth from Nat, I was… I think I was going to kill her but she told me something that only Alexander could confirm and that was why I knew, once Karl and Alexander were dead that she wouldn’t hurt you, she wouldn’t shoot you” she addressed my accusation back in her apartment

“I don’t think that woman´s word is reliable” I spat, anger doubled

“No, but in a very wrong way she´s always been planning to… eliminate those who she thought wrong me and her, in a very twisted way… she´s wanted to keep me close –she looked down- to harm you then would’ve been to lose me”

“To lose you? You’re speaking of her as if she loved you, the woman that sent you to kill people, that kidnapped your friend to manipulate you, that traced all your calls, that lied to you, that didn’t let you see your sister, that stabbed you when you were a child –I had leaned in closer as I said and steadily raised my voice making myself stop when I heard my own voice echoing in the room- Do you have some kind of … do you have one of those Nightingale or Stockholm kind of syndrome?”

“I am very stupid, I know –she sounded sad- and I’ve asked myself countless times if I have one of those syndromes you´re saying but she really didn’t want to lose me, I´m not saying it´s love more like –she bent until her face touched her knees, she inhaled deeply- more like a pathologic sense of belonging… I might have it too” she said slowly going back to her prior position, I stared

“Do you love this woman? Is that why you keep her around?” I had stood up by now, it was so wrong.

“No –her quiet voice got a little louder and then back to normal-, I don’t. I wanted to kill her, she´s… one of the few that I´ve wanted to but I really didn’t want to kill another parent and keeping her close is safer than letting her plot somewhere I can’t see”

“Another parent? She´s not your mother” I growled

“Yes, she is”

“What? –I sat, this was bad, she was…ill- your mother´s dead”

“In a way both Miriam and Natasha are my mother”

“What are you talking about?” this was bizarre, too crazy, she was saying crazy things, it was not coherent but something told me she was telling the truth, maybe I was crazy too for believing her. I knew she was trained to do certain things; maybe she was using her training to trick me.

“Do you remember Ibsen said Miriam was a… donor, as was Karl –I nodded- they were going to have an in vitro so… -she trailed off- you know how that works… -she shook her head, of course I knew, many fertilized eggs are implanted, multiple pregnancies are more likely… I made a motion for her to continue- Nat was also a volunteer, both Miriam and Nat got implanted fertilized eggs, Miriam children. Nat´s baby was born first, a couple days later Miriam´s baby was born, Miriam´s died… The crew, the head of the crew –she avoided saying Alexander´s name- took Nat´s child and gave it to Miriam because they wanted to keep Miriam in the project, both children were girls, one a couple of days older… Natasha was actually the one who named me Nichole…”

“Are you saying you´re Strasberg’s kid? Do you believe her?”

“That’s why I was at Alexander´s… that time, so he could prove it”

“He wouldn’t have proved it if you asked” I wasn’t like him but if I had been him I wouldn’t have done anything for her

“He thought I didn’t know. I pretended that when he said it… it looked like it had been the first time, I pretended that it had hurt me to know I wasn’t Miriam’s daughter –she stopped talking and started breathing in and out as she blinked a couple of times, it did hurt her even now- I didn’t…I really didn´t have to pretend that much…”

“He could´ve lied to make a point, to hurt you” he was a good liar; he´d fooled me and all my family.

“I know but he showed me papers, proof, pictures… then later, before the funeral Nat showed me this…DNA sequence, I don’t know, the eggs implanted in her… well some genes were not Karl or Miriam´s but Nat´s… so even if she actually lied about giving birth to me, even if Alexander did it just to hurt me and faked the proof… blood doesn’t lie, I have something of hers in me, besides being mental and a terrible person” her voice faltered and a stream of tears stained her face, she angrily cleaned them with the back of her hand. She seemed sad, it touched me but if I were her I wouldn’t want to be related to that woman, to have her near like she did, to me it is awful to be related to Alexander… to hear that I am the spitting image of him when he was young.

“You didn’t have to leave me with her, with two dead bodies” I couldn’t erase that image from my head despite her tears. In my head I could still see the blood staining the carpet, the wooden floor, I could still feel my heart pounding hard against my chest, the fear of being the next dead body, the worry of being left alone with the woman who had kidnapped and hurt me without consequence. It had been the worst experience of my life, maybe the second worst after drowning and then even that related to all of it making it even worst… one huge nightmare. For a minute, as I thought about it, it was like I was there again, my back against the bookshelf as the afternoon fell and the wind picked up. The bushes outside the window brushed and hit the glass; that had brought me back. She hadn’t said any other word.

“Do you have any idea of what I went through? -I shouted and half stood up, she closed her eyes and still didn’t say a word- Why? –I shouted, the wind made it sound less than what it was- why did you leave me alone? Ignored? Forgotten? Why?” I hardly ever shouted. I did it a lot that day. Her head hung down.

“You had seen me –she said in a quiet voice- the monster I had been hiding, you were going to see more of it with that journal. The only life I ever saved, the only one that thought I wasn’t just some weapon or experiment or asset or belonging would see what I really was, what monster I really am…” it was as if when she let her tears fall freely the sky also cried, it poured, wind throwing the heavy and sudden raindrops against the window. Rain was the only sound after her words died. It surrounded us, swallowed every other sound.

It brought back memories.

I wanted to keep shouting, to say that was stupid, that I was never given the opportunity to react, to say something about the whole thing; that it was unfair I was a prop for how it all was planned. That it was unfair that I had to lie so that the whole thing looked like it had been thieves when I had seen and heard exactly what had happened; that I had no one to talk about it, that I had been treated like a pariah, as if I was being punished, pointed out that I had been the cause and that it all made my nightmares worse as she was freaking partying in Europe with Vincent of all people and….

“Fuck! –I shouted- why did it have to rain tonight?!” I sagged on the chair. That night, three years ago, when I was back home, after witnessing death thinking I´d die next; being abandoned with a psycho; learning my beloved grandpa was another psycho that was basically some kind of Frankenstein, that my best friend was actually an experiment and an assassin; after having lied to the police about the events it had rained, hard, long and I had been paralyzed, had a panic attack, one of the worst after so many years of keeping it more or less under control. I hadn’t been able to breathe to the point that I passed out and as I had fallen to the floor my brain had fed me images of my nightmares, of the pain that had been to drown, to die. I had found out I had died, was I who I had been before that? Would I be different if it hadn’t happen? I wondered…until it was all darkness.

And it happened again in that ghostly house...  I started to feel my throat closing, my heart beating faster. I could hear my ragged breaths. The lack of air was painful. The memories hurt me. Everything crashed and fell on me and I was in deep waters. I tried to focus, it wasn’t real, it was just rain, I wasn’t in the pool, I wasn’t being pointed with a gun by my grandpa, I wasn’t falling. I told myself I could control it. I had forgiven and forgotten… I tried to tell myself so many things, to put order to my thoughts, to rein my emotions, to stop my memories but in a second only one thing mattered. I had only one thought: I was in the pool and the water burnt my lungs.

I…

 Couldn’t…

 Breathe.

Air…

Air, I needed air. Air...