Though my Eyes: Sunday Morning

 A/N: my eye hurts but I´ve been dying to post smthg... Unedited. Up and down kinda post. 

Saku if u ever get to see this: thx for your last comment on this one, some parts of them were kinda funny. I agree in what you said about Nichole being a bit nicer because of his last freak out. 

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Whenever I had time I liked to go running in the park, usually this was on Sundays. After high school I hadn’t practice any more karate but I missed the exercise but I didn’t think I could commit to a gym, it wasn’t like me, so I ran and occasionally worked out a little at home. I knew Aaron missed the karate too; sometimes when we were together we practiced a little but we always ended up being too playful and then stopping altogether.

In the end the best exercise I could get was through running. I preferred the mornings when there weren’t as many people to bump into. Sometimes I found Nichole there, we didn’t talk and she often stayed after I left. It was both strange and familiar. Strange because it felt we purposely avoided talking especially after the going to Crystals house but it also felt familiar because we often stayed quiet when we were friends before.

After finding out that she could hear me I started to wonder if she avoided my trail, from how far she could hear me; some other times I wondered why she didn’t take another trail but maybe like she´d said I wasn’t that important so probably it wasn’t worth it to change trails. However, I noticed some times when we found each other she ran at a slower pace than me after I had spotted her, as if waiting for me.

The Sunday a couple of weeks after the last movie night I saw her running, I was sure it was her ahead of me. I didn’t slow down or sped up, I kept my pace, maybe I´d catch up, maybe I wouldn’t,  maybe she’d turn to another trail, maybe not. In the back of my mind I wondered if she’d heard me. I wondered if she felt that I was sort of looking at her, she was after all in my line of vision. It was early so it was just the two of us. After a little while, maintaining my pace, I caught up to her.

“Hey” I could not avoid greeting her.

“Hi” I thought I saw the start of a smile but then it was not there. She kept her pace. I noticed that maybe for the first time she wasn’t wearing a sweater or a long sleeved shirt; she wore a white tank top with her dark gray leggings and her sweater tied around her waist. Bare shoulders and arms, I had never seen that. She still had the black gloves; that made me sad. She could do so many things yet she couldn’t take those off.

“Did you hear me?” since I was already next to her I might as well ask I thought. She nodded twice, yes. “Even with those?” I motioned to my own earbuds; I had one out and one on. She had both on, she nodded again.

“How far away did you listen?” I voiced my curiosity; she took out her right earbud, the one closest to me

“Why do you want to know that?” she glanced my way, there was not any identifiable emotion in her voice. I shrugged

“Just curious, it´s interesting” I said, she slowly nodded twice but didn’t say anything for several minutes

“From five to ten minutes before you caught up to me” she finally said in a soft voice. That had been pretty much since I had started to run, we´d been apart about the length of a soccer field

“That’s a lot! Did you know it was me?” she just nodded her answer this time “How?”

“I already told you that” same tone, no inflection, not a reproach just a fact. She had told me that it was like hearing a family member coming closer, sometimes you could identify them

“Do you hear other people?” it seemed that it was ok to discuss the things I already knew so I´d ask about it as long as she kept answering or maybe even after that, she nodded her answer again. “Now?”  I asked, I couldn’t hear anyone but the two of us and the birds chirping, she nodded “I don’t listen anything”

“I know” almost a whisper

“Do you know them?” I asked, she´d compared this to knowing your family´s steps. A tiny wrinkle on her forehead appeared, she shook her head no and the wrinkle disappeared

“Then how…?”

“I hear them”

“You said it was like listening to your family´s footsteps”

“Yeah, that´s knowing, not listening”

“So you would listen to anybody even if you didn’t know them?” I rephrased, she nodded

“How far do you listen?” she looked at me and raised her eyebrows

“Wanna test me?” her lips became a line, she looked the other way, placed her earbud back on and for a moment I didn’t get it; I had pretty much asked the same earlier and then I got it. Tests, experiments, I think  fascination with it was what she always got, why Alexander, Karl and Strasberg treated her like a lab rat, as she´d said once.

“I didn’t mean it that way –I spoke a little louder, she had her earbuds on and then I felt a little stupid, she´d hear me before with those- I´m sorry” I spoke normally, maybe a little softer, quietly. “I was just curious, I´d never…” I said she lifted a hand to stop me

“I know” she still looked away, her voice quiet. I furrowed my eyebrows, she´d always spoken in a monotone, a quiet monotone, sometimes just barely above a whisper.  What if all voices, all sounds were too loud and she compensated by making her voice quiet like when you can’t hear, you speak louder. Maybe that´s why she was always, before at least, in the woods, like escaping she’d said, maybe she escaped from sounds too. It must´ve been overwhelming, like a loud party 24/7 since… forever?

“Am I loud?” I made my voice quiet. She´d said once she heard me because I was loud, I thought she´d been teasing but maybe she´d told me what she actually thought. She raised an eyebrow at me. Maybe I was. She had her headphones on and she still heard almost a whisper “Do I… -I started normally but then spoke quieter- do I speak too loud for you?” this time she raised both eyebrows and took out her earbud again as if to listen to me better, this confused me

“You heard me from afar, you hear people around, clearly, for what I guess… so close things must sound louder –she stared at me- is my voice too loud?” I asked, she still stared at me but suddenly she looked ahead, I could see the corners of her mouth tugging up

“What if it was?” she said after a couple of minutes, there was a tinge of humor in her voice

“Ah… I don’t know –my voice went quieter- I…” I didn’t know what to say… I won’t speak in more than whispers, perhaps. The memory of me shouting at her stabbed me. I saw her half smile make an appearance.

“Your voice is fine” the smile colored her voice and reached her eyes

“It doesn’t bother you?” still in quiet voice, she shook her head “how is it? –I asked- closer sounds don’t bother you…? You did say…”

“I go like a bat –back to her monotone- a loud sound knocks me out”

“What?!”

“Josh, if that was the case; I’d be knocked out all the time. Your voice, in its normal volume is… fine… it´s really ok” she shook her head

“But….” How? I was going to ask but then she might think of tests and experiments again

“Not like a bat, like a dog” she rolled her eyes

“Like a dog?” I furrowed my eyebrows

“Loud sounds don’t knock them out but they still have a fine hearing” she explained

“I see…ok” I said thinking it was such a weird way to explain it, a cat she called herself and now a dog. I could´ve laughed.

“If you´re going to speak use your usual volume” she said and edge of irritation in her tone. I stayed quiet for a while.

“Marissa doesn’t know about what you did during the weekend” I broke the silence. I had been wondering why she´d let Marissa give her a penalty for skipping movie night. She didn’t say anything “right?” I prompted.

“She doesn’t need to know”

“Why didn’t you tell her you were away because of Karl´s death?”

“It doesn’t concern her or you” her monotone sounded harsh even though it had no inflection

“It does concern me” my voice did have inflections, for a second her lips moved into a line but she relaxed them quickly

“Is that so?”

“Yes, his death and Alexander´s are linked, as well as Strasberg, the journal, Burgeoys, you and me”

“Me and your accident” she corrected, wow, she did not want to be linked to me. Ouch

“Same thing” I said stubbornly

“In spite of how much it concerns to you or not, it does not concern Marissa and I´d like to keep it private”

“She’s your friend, why not let her know you were home comforting your sister?” I don’t even know why I was saying this but to me this was the logic thing to do

“I don’t mourn Karl. I don’t need to tell anybody if I don’t want to”

“If I hadn’t been there you wouldn’t have told me right?” it bothered me

“That is the most likely” she said at once, blunt and harsh honesty

“Why not? I was, am, your friend”

“Josh, I killed my father! Do you think I want to talk about that?”

“You didn’t kill him” I said flatly she scoffed

“You were there…”

“He got shot by…”

“Yeah… that didn’t kill him”

“You didn’t kill anybody… -I insisted, she stared at me as if she couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth- You never trusted me” I said randomly. It made me so angry and bitter, why did that made me feel that way?

“That´s how you see it” I couldn’t tell if she was asking or making a statement

“That´s how it is, you just left” I was starting to get tired of the running; she didn’t reply “even now it´s like you´re not here” I shook my head

“What do you want from me?”

“The truth! And explanation, a clear one”

“I already told you why I didn’t go back to you that night and why I left after Karl and Alexander died” she said in her quiet voice like remembering that night, it leveled me, I didn’t want to start shouting like that again

“You left many questions unanswered…” we´d gotten to the part where I usually turned right, to turn back and she kept going, it meant we´d been running for an hour

“Do you want to know …now?” she emphasized the last word

“Yeah, now is as good time as ever”

“There are things that are better unsaid” she used one of her phrases from before, one that used to make me back down but it was different now

 “You owe me this” I reminded her, she didn’t say anything just fixed her low pony tail, drank some water

“Shoot” for some reason her word made me feel like she felt that I was actually going to do that, to shoot her. I thought of what I wanted…I wanted to ask a lot of things

“Why didn’t you tell Marissa?”

“I don’t owe you that” she reminded me this time and I sighed

“At the funeral –I started again- you acted like I wasn’t there. I know you knew I was there… why didn’t you talk to us?”

“I didn’t talk to anybody”

“We went to pay respects to your father… I was there, I knew who he really was and you didn’t care what it might have meant…”

“You didn’t have to go, you didn’t have to do anything for him” she interrupted me with her flat tone, my jaw set, I couldn’t help but make my hands into fist, this was inconsiderate

“I didn’t want to go either -she continued in a slightly sad tone- I wouldn’t have been there if not for Camille. She´d lost her father…”

“I couldn’t just stay home, that would’ve been rude –I said- no one else knew what really happened, he was my father´s business partner… that meant we had to be there, I thought friendship was a larger reason to at least spare us a glance” I reproached

“It´s not fair that you had to be in the lie; that is something I regret. I didn’t know you were coming to see Alexander that day. If I could´ve avoided you being there to witness I would´ve prevented it”

“And I would’ve known nothing, right? You would´ve just disappear”

“Would you rather know all the horrors that you witnessed and now know than to have been free of them?” she stared at me, a little wrinkle on her forehead. I had thought about it. What if I was like before, what if I didn’t know of who Alexander was, who the little girl was, what Nichole did, would it be better to be ignorant?

“What happened can’t be changed” that was the conclusion I got every time I thought about it. She nodded

“You did have control over your actions on the funeral” I said her shoulders slumped a little

“I did”

“You purposely avoided me”

“Yes”

“Why?”

“Think about it –there was emotion in her voice- your lovely family would´ve wanted to give me their condolences on a man that I had killed. They would´ve seen me wondering how and why I was there, why I hadn’t say anything about who I was, why I hadn’t been presented at your party, why I was now the heiress of this man, the niece… I was someone…I am someone that had caused grief to their family… and they don’t even know …” her voice got quiet

“They would´ve meant well”

“I know –she breathed in deeply- they would’ve given their condolences to a murderer, one that might’ve killed them, one that murdered some of their family and …you –her voice a whisper, she breathed in again- I knew you´d read that journal, the list, you knew exactly who I was, there is no way you would´ve been able to hide your thoughts. I didn’t want to see you see the monster” she breathed like she was tired.

“Do you want to sit down?” I was tired too

“No”

“I just wanted to know your side of the story… I didn’t have the intention to judge you”

“I didn’t want to tell the story”

“That´s like accepting whatever I might have imagined, no chance to defend yourself from that woman´s accusations” I referred to the journal

“She was right. I am the things she said I am”

“You….-I sighed with frustration- It doesn’t feel likely that you are, not anymore not even then, you were made to do those things…”

“You were better without me”

“Stop that! Why not tell your side of the story? That´s all, it might make things better, give you closure, it´ll put things behind us”

“It´s still true the fact that I am a monster” she said, I took a calming breath

“You didn’t give me a chance to react, to speak; you just assumed I´d feel a certain way; that is not fair” I went from a different angle

“Speaking there wouldn’t have been the best”

“No, but ignoring me afterwards wasn’t either. You didn’t have to, I don’t understand, why?”

“I didn’t want to talk about any of that”

“You could´ve said that”

“You wouldn’t have listened” she had a point there

“You took it to the next level when you didn’t come back to school”

“I didn’t want to be there”

“But why? You seemed happy there, you said we´d graduate together” it was stupid but I had felt betrayed

“You knew I wanted to leave before you were there, Burgeoys was a prison to me, a place that I had been sent so that Karl didn’t have to see me, but convenient enough that I could still go out and do his dirty work. Yes, in a way I had been almost normal there but come on, I think you knew the rumors… even when I left there were others… It might´ve seem like I didn’t care but believe me years of the same end up having a toll on people, even people like me…. Nat sent my things to the fire…my memories… there was nothing for me in Burgeoys”

“Apparently no one either…” anger and bitterness in my voice

“I couldn’t make you any good, Josh.  You would´ve wanted to know about your grandma, about the uncle you never knew, about the little girl… even now you still want to…” she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. She was crying. She was right. I did want to know those things but mostly…

“The little girl…”

“I don’t remember Josh!” she wiped her tears away

“Look, I´m sorry…”

“Why it´s not your fault I don´t remember or that I had to kill people” she was angry

“It did happen because of me” I sighed

“You were dead” she sighed

“And I should´ve stayed that way…” we were closer to the main trail were many people ran. She stopped abruptly and so did I

“Don’t say that” her eyes were fierce, they had the gaze that drills a hole in my skull

“It would´ve…”

“No” she pretty much growled. I blinked, this was confusing, she didn’t have any problems in leaving, not answering, saying she didn’t want to talk to me, being curt and mean and then she went and acted like my life was so important. It hadn’t been the first time

“You are so confusing” I ran my hand through my hair, she didn’t say a word; instead she started to run again, entering the main path…

“Will you go silent now?” I caught up to her

“As you´ve pointed out, I owe you this, I doubt you want to discuss in public crowded spaced though”

“About owing me… I´m sorry it feels like I´m forcing you but…”

“No –she interrupted me as she stopped abruptly again- you don’t get to apologize for that, you either use it or don’t but you don’t get to apologize” she panted lightly

“Do you get to do that?” I said dryly

“No” she whispered and walked out of the park. I didn’t follow; my car was parked just outside. I could see her shoulders going up and down quickly as she crossed the street; it was most likely due to the running, we´d run, mostly jog for a long time. Once she got to the other side of the street; she wore her sweater and quickly got lost among the people there.

What had she meant, that she didn’t think she had anything to apologize for? No, she´d said I´m sorry the last time; she´d sort of said she was sorry I had to know these negative things but then… why…

“You are so confusing” I mumbled scrubbing a hand over my face as I walked towards my car.