Así somos

Un día nos reímos,
Al siguiente discutimos,
Y volvemos a reir;
Así nos amamos.

Eres la misma niña de cabellera medianoche y ojos felinos,
Mi musa de risa fácil y alma sencilla
Y aunque tu cabello empieza a brillar con plata,
Y tu cuerpo muestra las marcas de nuestros sueños,
Te veo; no has envejecido un día.

Me diste lo que nunca soñé,
Me enseñaste lo que buscaba,
Cuando la oscuridad robó mis recuerdos, tu nombre aún resonaba en mi memoria fracturada;
Una y otra vez y aún una más no me dejaste partir

Una sonrisa de tu boca alegre, esa mirada que solo ve almas,
Tu corazón generoso,
tu voz que no sabe mentir...
Estoy atado a ti con un vínculo cuya influencia no sabe de tiempo, distancia, vida o muerte Es todo lo que pedí,
Es lo que solo con vos encontré

Nunca te vi,
Otros ojos y una boca ajena apuntaron en tu dirección,
Uno y otro pretexto,
Te dije si, luego que no,
No te cansabas, no te rendiste;
Tu cabello crespo, nariz perfecta, tez de luz, abrazo fuerte... Tu imagen no volvió a dejar mi cabeza

Eres mi hogar,
Con quien soy fuerte, con quien soy bueno, con quien soy yo
Y aunque vuelo,
Y aunque vague,
Te llevo en el centro del corazón, en mis pupilas;
Si no te tengo, me pierdo, desaparezco. 

*have no idea why I ddidn't publish this back in 2015when I seem to have written it  h

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Ritual

Looking at the white ceiling,
Waiting to fall asleep,
Every beat of my heart says I miss you
Every brain cell scoff,
They remind me it wasn't real,
The unforgiving reason speaks up,
It points out it wasn't meant to be.
Still, the rhythm of my chest
Silently proclaims your name.
Only your name for the last half decade,
Your name said like a prayer
To a goddess that hears not
She isn't merciful, she isn't real.

*
Nov. 2014

Talk to me

Have you seen, darling, how in every story plot we've ever read and watched not saying what the heart wants has brought so much trouble?
It's a superfluous example, I know, but life is art and even the most vain movie started as a spark of art.
Don't assume that your heart's whispers have been understood.
Assume, darling, that the world is blind and deaf.
Tell me loud and clear what your soul wants me to hear
I'm a child, darling, I barely know the world,
Tell me like you'd tell a child,
Weave a story that keeps my lips parted and my eyes on you.
Tell me so that our world becomes crystal clear.

*
Oct. 6th/2014

Must be a dream

My feet hit the pavement making a sound that in my ears means I'm trying to go faster even as my eyes admire the fine day, sunny and fresh with a clear blue sky, the picture of serenity.

As I walk I realize I'm finally where I want to be. Three more steps will take me to the massive wooden doors that I can't wait to go through, my eyes are impatient to see her.

I grin at the sight of her in the white pristine dress that hugs her figure and falls down softly all the way to the floor.

She smiles back as she waits for me. She is wearing a dress, that's my victory; I'll say yes, that's hers... I can't walk fast enough to say I do to the rest of my life.

I have to get new and thicker curtains, I groan internally as the sun invades my room and tears me up from the soft embrace of my dreams. I turn around, on my side, wanting to go back to sleep, seeking to get more of the warmth I feel next to me but my mind is awake already and my eyes don't want to stay close anymore, not when they caught her sight.

The morning sun is kissing her face making her glow, her hair is making and abstract painting on the pillow, her delicate hands are resting under her rosy cheek.

"God, she's beautiful" I think as my mind goes back to the day she wore her white pristine dress for me, just for me.
I move away on of the strands of hair that sticks to her face, my fingers brush her skin and she opens her eyes, blinks a little. Her fluttering eyelashes sweep my heart away. Her brown eyes, almost black in this light, stare back at me as her mouth stretches to greet me with a smile.

"This must be happiness" I think as I reach for her hand trying to find my voice. Dreams do come true.

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Unknown

Standing in front of the mirror
Who is the one that stares back at me?
Looking out the window to the city lights
A thousand lives being lived
Always asking, silently shouting
Where is mine?
Floating in the darkness of the night
There's no lighthouse in sight, no guiding star in the sky
Why was mine taken away?

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Works?

Does this work?

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Lemonade

There are times in which life pulls the carpet from under your feet right when you were running faster, feeling yourself closer to the goal, yet life makes you fall and you break your legs, your teeth and scratch your hands and knees.... Maybe it even pulled the carpet so hard that it threw you so far from your way in a path you don't know, into what feels to be the valley of shadows and you are lost and alone and broken... Your will is broken, your confident is broken....

That is where I am... Trying to get up and back on my broken feet... On my broken confidence; scared of what might happen... Scared of more pain but it feels like just as I might end up with more pain and darkness I might get better, make lemonade, even.

Feminine

He wakes up in the middle of the night,

the too many drinks he had chew his insides mercilessly.

He comes back to his bed, it feels cold,

it always is when you're alone.

He sits on the edge of the bed, head

hung, a clear view of his empty belly.

He reaches and places a hand over it,

wishing it could be home for a life.

He curses his name again and again.

Hands too big, too much hair, body all wrong.

If only he could add an S to the way

he's called, three letters instead of two.

He mourns for what wasn't given to him,

for what he longs.

It's despair walking in his shoes, not the ones he wants.

Girl, woman, girlfriend, bride, wife,

mom, grandma, sweet melody he'll never listen.

Empty belly, empty

heart.

****

Not only I wasn´t able to post this before but also I´ve been wondering if it´s...if it could be offensive, of course it´s not my intention, not at all

Porcelain Doll

Unique, different, undefined, special: my love. So beautiful in whatever he chooses to wear; in whatever he chooses to be...so elegant and perfect.

Time slips by... always there, always unnoticed.

He tries and tries, it's not that my love doesn't support him; it's that he just can't stand his existence anymore. I know as I look at him across the table, pale, no make-up, matted hair that once shone in waves, white nightie, too thin to be healthy.

His eyes are tired of tears, tired of lack of sleep, tired of his now gray days, too much fighting, too much trying. The world is too heavy on his shoulders. I'm not with him but even in my sleep I can tell he's sitting at the dining table in the dark, listening to the ticking clock marking too long minutes in the middle of the night.

Tick-tock tick-tock. The pendulum clock was banished of the house but we can still listen to its echo, marking, cutting the air and our skin.

I go to him, sit on my place across from him. There is nothing to say. I wish I knew how to make him better. From the seat next to him he takes something and places it on the table. I gasp in horror.

"Please don't" unshed tears fill my eyes

"Please, let me go" a whispered plea; big colored eyes showing me his pain. I shake my head, reaching for the gun that now points at his temple

"No, no, don't do this..." I talk. I don't know what I'm saying; all I know is that I have to make my beautiful stay. I say it all, I plead, I beg, I promise...

There's a gloom around him from then on, as if the coldest of winters settled eternally on his soul. He sits by the picture window and looks outside with a loss stare, withering away. Can't be left alone, he doesn't sleep anymore, he doesn't eat anymore, he doesn't smile anymore.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.... you never realize when the countdown is about to be over.

Just a second later and at the same time a long time after that night in the dining room, I'm in my room, trying to sleep, my mind on him who refused to go to bed. My mind knows, my soul knows and even if my eyes didn't see it through the walls I can tell the exact moment that he pulled the trigger just as his care-taker came in the room. My scream and the ripping sound awake me and I run to him. I didn't see it happen but the part of me that is in him did and it showed me.

And I feel his pain, not only through our minds but through his moans of pain, bad aim, not enough strength. He's on the floor; I can't get to him fast enough, his caretaker glued in place.

The first thing I see is his thick scarlet blood staining the floor and the side of his face ripped away. He's shaking, too much pain. His white chiffon nightie is pristine; he looks like a porcelain doll that now is broken by her own doing.

I carefully pull him to me as I urge the caretaker to call the emergency number but my beloved and I know that it's too late. NO! My mind screams even as it feels his pain and his life escaping away from that hideous hole on the side of his head

"No, no, no, no, no -I rock back and forth with him half on my lap as if that will stop the unavoidable- no, no, my love, my love, don't leave me, no, no, no, my love, love, don't go..." My tears run free and there's sadness and regret in his eyes, not because his wrong doing but because he feels it's killing me too, the part of me that is in him is screaming in pain. Why? Why did you do this? Love, why? It cries as my audible voice keeps imploring him to stay with me even as I know it's in vain.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, his mind, his eyes speak to mine. I didn't think it'd hurt you as bad. I didn't think...

"No, no, no love, my love, please, stay, no, no, no, oh, please, no..." My words melt into the next

Why does time doesn´t stop even as life stops even if you breathe and move? Why is it so cruel and takes you back and forward in the blink of an eye?

I wake up crying, reliving those nights. The echo of my voice and his haunted eyes are always filling my dreams. He sleeps his eternal sleep in his white chiffon nightie, his favorite, looking like a porcelain doll. I still beg him to stay.

****
written dec/22/2014.
A/N: not sure why or where this one came from but I had to write it, like a day or two after I hastily wrote it on my phone right after I woke up saying that line of "no, no, no..." I saw that picture and it felt kinda like a sign. Perhaps it´s not the best thing to post as the first post of a new year but... it´s what I have.

I have to say my brain did this on its own, like the whole thing as I slept.... You might say that it´s not wonder that it´s so bad haha