I'm not sure when exactly, but I've noticed that some people are either writing or talking about the higlights and downs of their lives in this decade that's coming to an end or they'reposting pictures side by side of them in 2010 and now that we're nearly on 2020. As far as I know, people didnt do this when we went from the 2000's to 2010.
Anyway, I listened to this couple of vloggers (Nekojitavlog) who talked of the best and worst thing of each year in this decade and that made me start thinking about it for my own life. I am tempted to think that in this whole decade there's been nothing but fibromyalgia and all of the words that are now a synonym of it: pain, lost, depression and shame.
But I cant let myself go there, not just there. It is hard though but recently made this little video where I talked about a little epiphany I had. It was simple but so big and so hard to keep in mind. My big epiphany is that (When you have a chornic -so far- incurable illness) happiness is a choice you have to make every single day. And this choice doesnt mean there wont be sadness and pain. It doesnt mean you're going to ignore the bad thing and smile all the time. It only means that you have to chose to experience all of it, feel the feelings, cry if necessary crumble and go through the pain and in the pain remember that there's still good in life, that there is love in your days, that though your body might not be working right, or your life might not be what you thought it would be, you're doing your best and you'll keep doing your best and finding peace in the knowledge that you've made it so far...finding peace in accepance and knowing that maybe the next moment you'll go back to anger or denial and that it is ok becuase you're only humanand cant be expected to be always strong, to be perfect. It is simple. it is so very hard.
With this in mind, I went quickly thorugh my phone, thorugh my pictures from 2010 until now (I dont have pictues from 2010 there or anywhere else apparently) and in pictues it's mostly all smiles, but that's ok. I have a tendency to take pictures when I'm not feeling well at all so I remember those days and what was going on even if I am smiling in the pictures. Still, no pictues from 2010 and despite the smiles on most pictuesI couldnt make myself remember good things in those years with a few exceptions. I've pretty much have to force myself to realize that fibromyalgia hasnt always been the biggest thing in my life....
....And then I remembered, 2010 was a big year for me. I graduated from college, got my first full time teacher job, got my first very own house, got my tattoo, got over coming out to myself, my brother and my mom. It makes me smile fondly to remember all of that. I was busy!
I do not know what I was doing in 2011 other than working the whole day as I kept my job from the years before. I was always thinking about how little time I had for things like art and learning. I was worrying over wanting to continue with another degree but not having time for it. I was heartbroken yet again because I knew it was going to be the last time I'd see my friend which at the time was still my crush. I was conflicted about the fact tht though my mom had not reacted badly to my coming out she woldnt want to talk about it and basically made it as if it hadnt happened. I wasnt planning on being with anyone but I felt it was so cruel thaf if I had someone it would've had to be in hiding because with my line of work it would've most lilkely gotten me fired. Among all this worry, I was fully immersed in my ob and though it had been tough at first, I was enjoying it by then and I was feeling so accomplished over the fact that I had my own place. It made me feel safe to have a place to go that was my own.
2012 was the year that everything changed. It feels that this year has been the worst in my entire life. I was never the same after this year. Earlier that I was looking at my pictues from that year I couldnt help to think that those pictures from january and february and all of them up to may are like a countdow to a tragedy. I see myself there, in one graduating from an online course I took the year before and I think, if only i could've known to somehow stop it from happening but that is not possible and it did happen. May 2012 was the month and year of when I stopped walking on my own and my life became pain.
It wasnt all entirely bad, well, it was, I think it's been one of the years in which I've been the most suicidal ever but in the midst of all of this an angel was sent to me: Bita, my niece was born four months after my life got turned upside down and with her I learned you coudl fall in love at first sight and that my heart could expand in a second and that in all that pain and death inmy head I still had a little sunshine when I saw her face
2013
If the year before had been awful , in a way this one was owrst. It was full of hospital visits, doctors poking me and not believing in my word, when I said I couldnt walk, it hurt so much. It was a year for being looked like I was lying and of being told that I was too young to be feeling that way. It was a year of being told that if I had enough faith I'd be well and if I wasnt it was ecause I had done somehitng wrong and didnt have faith. It was the year of going to doctor after doctor and to church after church, none helping at all. It was a tough year at work. It was a year that I had to get accommodations and though people were accommodating at first they soon tired of it. They expected me to get well soon and when I didnt their kindness and patience ran out. It was a year to realize that kids are so much kinder and open minded than any addult out there. It was the year that I got told that if I didnt get back my health my contract wouldnt be renewed for the next year. It was also the year I stopped watching TV and reading physical books as well as using glassess full time. The pain in my eyes incredibly bad. I think the only good thing to come from this year was that my mom started to talk about lgbt things and about my not being straight and because of my illness she somehow accepted it, thinking it could somehow help me get better. Another good thing was that my best friends stuck to me. It was tough as I was sad all the time and coldnt talk as much but I'm so glad they were there, I'm especially thankful for Saku.
2014... sadness, no job, lost my house as I couldnt work anymore and therefore was unable to pay for it. i lost my insurance so no more doctors for a while.I believe that this was when I started going to my current doctor (a regular MD but that practices 'alternative medicine' too) the only one that has been able to help some. This year I think, i learned the pain in my eyes, the dyness and all the symptomps were fibro related. I think the one good thing of this year was that I started to draw and paint again.
2015 Another angel in my life, my nephew and though I wasnt too close to him since his family lived far, it made me so happy to meet him for the first time and everytime he came to visit was so nice. I think it was this year in which I had to stop actually writing, handwriting was just not possible anymore for me. Only a few words caused me excruciating pain. It was touh because it felt like I could do less and less with every passing year and the pain was as bad as ever. I had to take out my old typewriter and content myself with what little I could do. (i as not ever content, even less happy)
2016-2017 i know I went to some places and did a few things but life felt stagnant and I felt trapped. AS a way to let out a little of this, I started my youtube channel where I talked a little about what it was like living with fibro.
2018 The biggest thing, even though at the time it made no difference, was that I started to see a therapist: Xenia. I posted a picture of me in crutches and in a wheelchair for the first time and though it was nervewracking I was no longer (so) ashamed of needing them. The suicidal thoughts were a little less thanin all of the privous years. I realized that even before getting sick I wasnt happy and in fact, I had been pretty miserable inside even if I had been ok outwardly and apparently successful.
2019 One of the worst things this year was that my other leg, the one that wasnt as bad became the worst of the two. So in a way it was another lost, something else that the fibro took away from me. This year, like last year it's been mostly about working in my mind, on trying to be well emotionally and though it's been really tough because ife and fibro seem to test me at every turn, I think I've given big steps in the journey to acceptance. I realized a couple of month ago that I had started planning thing again, wanting things again. Not big things, not big plans but I was tentatively excited about designing a new item of cloth and the challenge of making it, I was a little excited about painitg a new piece. I've had some of those little big epiphanies like the one I mentioned at the start and it's been the year in which I sometimes, often times dont hate my legs, dont hate my body. I've even thought things like 'nah, it's my body, it's doing the best it can' which I never thought I'd think. Something big has been that I barely think about dying or commiting suciide anymore despite the pain which has been really bad sometimes. I do not know if it is my perception and my mind getting stronger somehw or my body getting used to it but somehow the pain sometimes feel less than in previous years. One huge thing is that I got my onw wheelchair, one that I wanted and that I use because I thinkk it helps me to get around places I didnt visit anymore because I couldnt walk and I'm not ashamed of being in it (that last part is the big thing) .
Today, the last day of the year, I found myself thinking about the next thing I'll do, I was making a plan. I hope I can accomplish it during the next year.
So, this is me for 2020: I'm still sick, I'm still in pain. I dont know what I'll do to make things right and back on track. I'm still depressed sometiems but for the first time in years I think i experience moments of happiness and peace too.
To end this very long post, I want to thank all those people that have been by my side during this most difficult decade of my life: first of all my mom, Jo, dad, Saku, Cecy, Nury, grandma, my niece and nephew, all my pets. I know I woudln't be here wihout your love and support, your patience and the strenght you all gave me when I had none. Here's to having you all another decade and more.
