Sunflowers

Lay me down among the sunflowers
To look up at the sky forever

First day of September

God, I'm plagued with fears.

I used to feel like I could do whatever I wanted. The world was full of possibilities and I was smart and strong enough to go take it. 

Now my nightmares show me how I lose it all and I wake up crying about lost things that I never even had, about past regrets that I didn't even lived. It feels like even in my unconscious mind I've lost myself.

With a heavy heart and tears in my eyes I wake up and tell my brain that maybe I'm not that small, that I'm not useless, that I'll prevail in the end, that I can walk on water.

I am nothing; I have nothing it's the song that the echo in my head chants. I see how others are getting the dreams I dreamed and I ache and make myself wish them well as I pray for the dream that no one has because it's a given to them.

I am told that as many other times, as with many other hardships it'll pass and in time it'll feel just like a bad dream. I want to believe that, it just feels it's been so long and I know that's exactly how it feels when the earth is shaking under your feet and everything is crumbling and there is nowhere you can escape but it still feels like an eternity.

I am perceived as someone very loved, as a priority, as important...maybe it's to compensate for how withered I become everyday even as I smile and laugh, even as I fight and build a wall of strength that I don't have

The clock keeps ticking. Am I still asleep?

August 30th

Pain bids me good night

I go to bed

I wake up

Pain rises with the sun,

It's been playing with my dreams, chasing away sleep

Four letters that are the perfect descriptive for 27 months of misery

Pain is my jailer and cruel companion,

It reminds me of our too long anniversary every day

With every sunset, the count grows heavy over my shoulders, over my soul

It's like a vice, tight and hot, debilitating and heavy

It's here keeping me alive enough to keep killing me

It whips me careful not to completely break me

It exposes me for everybody to throw stones at me

Pain

It keeps dictating words

It wishes to wrench loose vowels from my mouth.