impressions

beyond the sound of my voice.

walking away, a particular walk that I could recognize anywhere in the world

familiar, calming and cream-like voice that makes any heart skip a beat

thoughs, letter, face and moon...only gratitude for those!

everyday

sun cames out
moon in the middle of the night
opened eyes, closed eyes
sounds, sounds, sounds.

the clock ticks
the rain falls
the wind blows
round, round, round

every day is just the reflecction of the other
over and over the same dance
no sparkle, no thunder, no beauty

plain and gray
it is always the same
it is never away
like a course on everything
like a never ending pattern...
plain and gray.

Fallen angel

Chapter 10***TearS***

Maybe I need to start working on not loving him, on getting my heart back. Maybe if I don’t stop it, I wont be able to be close to him. I wont  be able to act normal around him, whatever that is…despite everything what I want is for him to be happy and if I could I would like to fight and end anything, anyone that might hurt him… I wish I could hold him like a treasure locked in my heart so nothing wrong happened to him…

Eri. That was the name of the girl that took away Ayon´s attention on the ´cute someone´.

Julia, to whom he still had some contact had her her own someone. This someone had a friend, this friend was Eri. Julia and her sormone thought Eri and Ayon where the perfect match.

Despite the fact that Ayon is a high rank demon, a prince of darkness and  a former warrior angel, he, sometimes, is more naïve than the most innocent lamb. I guess its his good heart´s soul or maybe his non-lost angel side that makes him trust in people. I didn’t like the idea of Julia setting him up with someone. I felt a hunch, but I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t have the the right and Ayon seemend to like this girl Eri. I convinced myself it was only some stupid pinch of jealousy  in me that made me feel uneasy about this and about Julia being the match-maker. Well now that they were not together I had a lot of time without seeing her but Ayon apparently still trusted her despite the fact that she had hurt him, a reason big enough for me to dislike her, not big enough for him apparently. ´everyone deserves a second chance´he would say if I mentioned the topic. I didn’t like any of that but maybe, and I grew sure of it, it was that I was jealous even more because he had revealed his true identity to Eri –and I guess I consider myself the guardian of his secrets, how silly!- I didn’t want to ever met her and I didn’t mostly because of my little free time and maybe he knew how I felt because he only talked about her but never asked me to met her. However, I did know what they did, what they talked, it didn’t mattered to me, in fact I felt ok to know what was happening in his life, maybe I liked to be the one who knew the most about him, anyway, he seemed to be excited with her, so happy to have met another person and she seemed to have common things with him. They had lot of talking to do all the time. They talked everyday, mostly they flirted. Im not sure if he started to flirt or how he did it. With Julia, she had been the one after him though according to Julia he had been the first to confess his feelings for her so she had played along with those words, I told him this. He didn’t denied it nor accept it, his answer was ambiguous. I had doubtd because it sounded like something he would do, though I didn’t know if he really had feelings towards her at that time or if he was just trying to be… human. He denied that he ever loved her, it was all about fisical attractions, he said, so I guess he does have those hormones and all that in that body of his. Either way, he said that it was only a futile  infatuation.

He was kind of flirty though, in his own way.

Things whith them went well, for a while. Eri became someone with two personalities. She said he was suffocating her. He backed up. Then again she was all over him, then again she felt suffocated… it went like a cycle. She was something similar to a bipolar person on that behaviour. He liked her too much to my taste. One day he finally fed up of it, of her. He told her he wanted nothing more with her. She went into shock and left. She went crying to Julia. Julia went all crazy. She went to see Ayon. She had learned all about him, so now she used  it against him. Julia approached him and with all her energy she could project she rejected him. She hurt him, not so bad but enough. Like a punch, a hard one. He was surprised by that, he had been taken out of guard. On that same moment, Eri materialized behind him and stabbed him. Julia slapped him on the face while Eri pushed her hand through him, pressing his heart between her fingers. He was in pain, excruciating pain.

“Do you know who am I?” she said, as if they were friendly talking.

“Eri…” he managed to say

“almost, dear…” she said as if she were talking to her lover, now. She was so easy to change her mood.

“add an S” Julia said, with satisfaction in her voice “Eris!”

“what do you want with me?” Ayon said. The pain was growing.

“Well, I´m here as a favor to lovely Julia”

“Julia?” he asked pained

“I´m not done talking, you know” Eris said  “I´ve also come to wake you up, we all want our newest prince…”

He had been betrayed by Julia. He had been too naïve.

He gathered all his energy in order to resist the attack he was being put through. He knew Eris was not going to let him go so easily, she was the “goddess of chaos” yes, that one, the greek goddess of chaos, that is, and ancient demon, therfore a powerful and sadistic one and since he hadnt test himself in that way, he had never fought for a his freedom, to defend himself, he had never needed it. He knew power can be intoxicating specially whe use for oneself benefit, revenge –even worse- he, with his likes –so far unexploored- for excess, if he usde his power with the amount that he knwe he can summon he could end up crossing the line completely, loosing his senses and never coming back to what he is now. A dark prince he didn’t want that tittle on him but he was being crushed, not to death because spirits are energy and energy cant be destroyed after all… however it can be changed and in the process they can be hurt. Ayon had a body, he had made a phisical body to cover his energy. That body was linked to his spirit, so everything that happened to his body, his spirit felt it. And now evertything felt like burning.

Eris was merciless. One of her hands was crushing Ayon´s heart and the other was around his neck, making him bleed.

He had to do something fast, scape or summon his power.

“he´ll try to leave” Julia said.

“a former warrior angel won´t do that” Eris said spitting the words “his magesty prince Ayon will wake up as soon as he tries to send me back to hell” she said, first humble, when mentioning his tittle, then laughing at the last part. She was so good at changing personalities.

“no, Eris, I know he won´t” Julia said worried, after all she had spent quite a while with him.

“silence woman! We are no equals!” Eris said with a devilish energy that scared Julia, but still she approached to him a little, mabe unconsciously she felt sorry for what she had done.

“he won´t defend himself” she said in a whisper. Eris slapped her strongly. Julia felt to the floor. Her cheeck completely red, a little line of blood left by one of Eris long nails marked Julia´s cheeck. Tears came to her eyes.

Eris had made a mistake, because now Julia´s energy wasn’t helping her, she needed some mortal energy to stay on earth. Eris tried to soften the situation.

Ayon was still being tortured by Eris and he was also pondering despite the pain whether to liberate his power to help himself and wake up and complete his evil side of let Eris destroy his body.

It didn’t last long, his body reacted by itself. It deffended itself without his full power, but it still produce something like a thunder from his heart, burning Eris´hand to ashes.

“very good! Your magesty” Eris said, fixing her hand  “however you´ll pay for the pain you´ve inflicted on me” she said with eyes that could kill “you see, dear, he is no saint” she giggle, softening her eyes and tone for Julia “he was an angel, quite a long time since he is no longer one” she said and sigh, as if she felt sorry for that.

Ayon was on the floor, extremely weak, not wanting to use all his power, he didn’t want to become addicted to it. Julia´s face was on Eris´hands now. She got to Julias cheeck and kissed her wound, licking the blood that came out of it. She had her back, lost in her eyes.

Eris faced Ayon then, with renewed energy. She looked like a lioness about to pounce to her pray. Advancing little by little an aura of evil energy was forming around her.

Ayon could felt it even before it was noticeable. He closed his ees getting focus to fight or flight.

“I trust you” –a smile- “you´re the only one I trust” he heard my voice in his head. It was a memory; probably completely unrelated to what he was about to face but it brought clearness to his mind.

He was going to get out of it, he had to trust he could, he had to be strong, strong enough to hold his strengh to the necessary amount but still big enough to get rid of Eris.

He didn’t even open his eyes, he could feel Eris power only a few steps away. He didn’t summon all his power, he enclosed it as a drop of energy wrapped around the memory of my trust to him.

Blue light, violet light, something like nuclear energy came out of him the moment he opened his eye, the moment Eris reached for him. He was taking half of his energy to focus on not to get revenge, on not to surpace his grip and get intoxicated with the feeling of power, the smallest part was for Eris to get away from him. His samallest part of energy was enough to thorw Eris away, it hurt Julia too since their energies were linked. He got exausted and some of Eris attack had gotten to hurt him too. With the remaining enery of the smallest portion he dematerialized. The bigger portion was still struggling with the idea of going after Eris and also of getting revenge from Julia too, even more when she was on her own now.

It was about one hour to midnight. I was reading some book laying on my bed. A faint light appeared in one spot of my bedroom, the in a blink of an eye thousand of spots, like dust got together surrounding the growing spot of light.

It startled me a little bit. Ayon had materialized in front of me before but never like that, he just appeared, not form his body infront of me like he did that night; that was not the only reason though, he had a troubled look in his beautiful green eyes, pain in them too. I got to my feet, he pratically fell to my arms. He had bleeding wounds all over him. He looked so bitten up. Tears started to stream down his face. I held him tightly against my chest. I closed my eyes and it was my wish, I desired so bad to protect him from whatever had made him cry. I wished to wrap him… apparently I was doing it, my wish made my energy to surround him, it was even visible, it looked like a transparent thin fabric, more like the texture of a soap bubble. It was a first. His wound, though, didn’t seem to be healing, they only stop getting bigger. I led him to the bed and we sat there. He kissed my cheeck, I put one of my hands on his face. He looked down.

He started to tell me what had happened with Julia, she had set up an embushed for him, some sort of revenge after they broke up apparently she blamed him for that. Eri was no other than a high rank demon, more powerfull than Shiloe, who had come to the same thing.

He was extremelly sad. He was feeling everything went wrong for him. I tried to confort him as good as I could, considering I was bad at it and completely unexperienced on that. It seemed to work a little. He stayed for the night, the rest of it actually because we talked so much that is was the other day when we finally fall asleep. He stayed by my side and this time it was me who held him, it was me who hugged him. He closed his eyes. He fell asleep but it was not a quiet sleep, he moaned in his dreams, some tears came out of his eyes. I whispered calming words when that happended, it stopped but it was repeated constantly.

Angels or demeons do not need to sleep but when they have bodies –permanent bodies or when they clinged on them like Ayon did-  they have some of the basic needs humans have, even more when they´re wounded like Ayon was.

I woke up at about six thirty in the morning. I felt tired but his voice woke me up. He was singing a sad song. I didn’t understand his words but I could tell it was a sad one.

“sorry to wake you up” he said sadly when he noticed I had woken up.

“don’t worry” I said  “ I think she is the worst for doing that to you”

“I think so too”

“I wish I could do something to her so she could feel sorry for what she´s done to you” he smiled a little.

“thanks for concerning that much about me, you´re a good girl, but don’t stain your soul with that…”

“ok, but I´m still mad at her”

“I know… thanks for being there when I need you, if it werent for you I don’t know where I´d be now”

“don’t mention it, you´ve been there for me, you were there when I needed it the most” we fell silent after that. My heart was divided feeling comptent towards Eris and Julia but I also was happy for Ayon words. I wished so much he could see how much I loved him. I wished so much that he could be mine. I wished so muched that he saw me not only as the pure sourse of energy but as Eimi, as a girl, as a pretty someone though it didn’t really mattered at that moment, above all, what I wanted was for him to get better, to feel better, for his wounds to heal.

Fallen angel

Chapter 9***SleepinG***

With every passing day I keep on getting more involved in the meetings, on the things there are to do there, on decisions to make, i´m getting confortable there, it seems  I got talent for that but I still resent the time that I cant spend with him. He has made me change in so many ways. I can feel it. I´ve become a little more confident, a little more livelier, creative in some other areas too, I was but I´ve expanded my creativity too.

Sometimes in the middle of a meeting I needed some idea to solve the problem there and I had no new ideas and for some reason my thoughts drifted to him, when I made myself go back to what I was doing I had some idea, sometimes it was it, the idea I had gotten helped me to solve whatever needed to be solve.

I´ve reached some kind of compromise, an unspoken one with my job and Ayon. Since I cant spend too much time with him I took a day per week to be with him. Fridays are our days, it is a big deal to me. I become sad if I don’t have my Friday close to him.

This week started ok but then I got sick. I caught the flu or a cold I don’t know. I had fever and I was in pain. I couldnt see him. Something told me he was going to be waiting for me so I decided to call him. I reached for my phone. My heart started to pound in my chest. I started to feel nervous. I closed my eyes and mentally I repeated what I was going to say to him. I laughed at myself. I was getting all nervous over a phone call. I dialed his number. It only rang once

“hello?”

“hi” my voice hoarse

“Eimi! What has happened?”

I told him about me being sick and how I felt so bad. I found some confort in his voice. He wished me to get better.

It was funny how before I dialed I was very nervous, when I listened to his voice I was calm and almost at the end before saying goodbye I got nervous again, I felt content though, despite that I still felt bad due to my illness.

I was in the park with Ayon, we were going to part for the day, we were standing, suddenly I felt cold, very cold. I hugged him wrapping my arms to his waist and leaning my head on his chest. He put one hand in my back.

“I´m cold” I said, he chuckled

“so, you´re looking for a blanket?...I´m not one of those, you know” he said. A smile in his voice

“nope, not a blanket…mmm a warm pillow” I said, he chuckled once again

“how´s that, you crazy little girl!” I laugh and move away

“I´ll show you how. I´ll made the drawing of it for you” my mind had the drawing all done, I only needed the paper, I had imagine him in the form of a pillow!

Suddenly I smiled and took him under my arm. He had become a pillow. I took him and leave with him in my arms. I woke up, I guess the fever had made me delusional. I wanted to tell him about my dream though I knew he was going to say it was so silly.

It was darkening so the lights in my room where dim, that was the reason I hadnt see he was there, standing infront of my bed. I had a blanket over me, one that I hadnt put there.

“so, is it a good idea to appear in girls room uninvited?” I said smiling and happy to see him

“sorry for coming so late” he said, as if he knew I wanted so much to have him with me

“I just had a dream about you”

“tell me…”

I told him about my silly dream. He did said what I thought he would say. He also rolled his eyes.

“silly Eimi” he said, smiling and a little blushed

“I guess I was cold… and since you are so warm…” he made a gesture for me to move over. I did it. He hopped to my bed. I got close to him. I put my head  on his chest filling my nose with his nice smell, I smiled and close my eyes. He started to caress my hair, taking strands of it.

“what you´ve been doing today?” I asked, my voice barely audible.

“I was with a cute somebody”

“you demon!” I said amused. He had found another girl that had fall for his looks. He chuckled.

“what am I? a demon? A blanket? A pillow?”

“you are my warm pillow” I said “…Your heart sounds strange.. the way it pounds…you have a heart!”

“of course I have one!” for his voice tone I knew he had rolled his eyes

“I mean you, being an angel…not… human..”

“this is a human body hat I have, like a shell that helds my spirit in it”

“so, you have e-everything there?” I said hesitant

“yes I do” he smiled “ I like heart beat sounds particularly. I wanted to get one, that´s why I gathered a `full`body for myself –well mostly ful-”

“it has a weard rythm” I said, ignoring the thousand questions that had risen from that last information

“how come?”

“it sounds different. At first it was pounding so fast, then it lowed  its rhythm to normal, then it went way too fast and then it went very slow, and then it all went again, after a moment it went back to normal. It seems the cycle is starting again”

“so you like the way it sounds?”

“I do” I said very sure of it though I could have never imagined he was going to ask such thing. “tell me about the cute someone” I had heard about her a few days ago, back then I noticed how he had liked her.

“well” he started, pride in his voice “she thinks I´m cute. I was talking to her today and…”

“did you told her who you are?” I interrupted him

“I wont do that” he said “cant I flirt with cute girls?”

“you perv!” I said teasingly, he laughed

“well as I was saying…”

His voice started to sound away, farther and farther. I was feeling bad but his warmness was so nice, the sound of his heart in my ear and the music of his voice now very very low made me fall asleep. I guess I didn’t hear a thing of the cute someone. Normally I would feel a pain through my heart when listening to him talking about ´a cute someone´but I knew somehow I shouldn’t worry this time.

When I awoke it was completely dark. The crickets were singing and everything was silent except for Ayon. He was talking in some language I´ve never heard. His hands wrapped around me. His heart with a regular rhythm. His beautiful voice sounded like a chant on that language. I listened to it for a bit.

“what are you doing?” I asked when my curiosity grow over my patience

“I´m talking to Him” he said

“Him?”

“yes” at that moment I understood, he was praying

“can you do that?!” I said a little surprised

“anybody can do it” he said matter of factly

“does He answers you?”

“I don’t know, how do you feel?”

He was worried about me, then, I felt touched, I extend my arm arround him and squeeze him. A hug.

“thanks” I finally said  “is that your real language? Angel? Demon?” he chuckled

“in the beginning we were all angels, you know, so even now we al speak the same language.”

“I see, were you singing just now? It sounded beautiful!”

“mh? Really? Well I guess I havent lost all of my angel side… it sounds like that in angels because it is designed to sound beautiful for Him, to sing melodiously for Him”

“it would be nice to listen to you singing again” he said nothing “sorry for falling asleep while you were talking”

“yeah… you left me talking alone”

“sorry”

“it´s ok, you were feeling bad and…” he chuckled once more “werent you the one that said I shouldn’t appear in girls room? Yet you are all over me!”

“that´s because you are very warm and I was cold, besides you are my angel, so it´s ok” I said it playfully but my heart seemed to gain volume. It was pounding so hard that I could listen to it in my ears. I´m sure I was blushed. I could felt it.

“you should eat something” he said, braking my focus, I was glad for that!

“you cook?” I said raising one eyebrow, of course he couldn’t see nothing more than the top of my head, that he continued to caress

“how hard can that be?!” he said. I laugh “let´s order something ok? You do it” he got up. As soon as he left the room I got up too. My hair was a mess and my eyes were just like those of someone who has been sick, horrible!. I went to wash my teeth. I combed my hair and washed my face, all in time. He came back.

He left after dinner. I wanted so much for him to stay bu I couldn’t ask. I was feeling lonely in that big house but I couldn’t ask. I was feeling –and looking- much better.

“don’t push yourself, rest Eimi” he said with a smile

“see you, my angel!” and then he was gone in a blink

Broken spirit

NOT LETTING ANYTHING TO BREAK MY SPIRIT

TRYING

FAILING

WAKING UP TO A FAMILIAR UNWANTED SUN
SALTY WATER

VOICES, FAMILIAR AND UNWANTED VOICES

FALLING

AVOIDING THOUGHTS

TRYING

FAILING

CLOSING MY EARS TO ANYTHING 

CLOSED, PAINED SOUL INSIDE

FEELINGS, FAMILIAR AND UNWANTED FEELINGS

LOST

NOT LETTING ANYTHING TO BRAKE MY SPIRIT

NOT AN EASY TASK

WHEN A HAMMER IS CONSTANTLY BEING USE AGAINST ME

HOW LONG MORE?

TRYING

Fallen angel

chap 8***DreaminG***

My work, the company owned by parents before they were gone, is taking all my time. I hardly see Ayon now, that makes me sad. Not being able to be with him is so sad. I become gloomy and when I miss him that much my brain compensates by dreaming with him.

Last night I dreamt we were close and he was telling me something I can´t recall. This image,  I woke up with his image in my head and the feeling in my skin of the last time we hugged. I don’t know why I feel like telling this to him, but I guess it would be strange that I, being his friend, dream so frequently with him and no body else, only him, so to avoid any suspicion I just kept it to me, but now I wish I could talk to him, I don’t really have anything to say and actually so much to share with him. I must be crazy and some days I´m just crazier, on those days I just wish, I long for him to feel the same way about me. I miss him. I´ve been missing him a lot lately…

I was seated in some stairs in the usual park. It was four or five pm, the weather was nice, not hot, not cold either. The trees were dancing to the wind. The one I was thinking came with a smile and a bit blushed face.

“Hi, Eimi” Ayon said looking into my eyes briefly.

“hello” I said softly.

He sat next to me. There was silence then, not an unconfortable one, but neither of us said  a thing. I rested my head on his shoulder, then I closed my eyes.

“I´m so damn tired of those meetings” I said and sighed. “I never expected to work there… there are so many things to do and averyone seem to be against me, like saying `she shouldn’t be here in one of the most powerful positions, she hasn’t earn anything`… as if I asked for  it…”

“be strong” he said. Not what I have expected at all but he wasn’t good for conforting people consciously –even being an angel-  so he would only say things like ´be strong´or ´hold  in there´ but it was ok, I wasn’t good at conforting either. He leaned his head and touched mine with his. That gesture was much more of a confort than his previous words. I smiled. We were in silence for another moment.

“would you be my friend no matter what?” he asked, lifting his head.

“of course, you will always be my favorite” I said, still with my head on his shoulder.

“I like you” he said

“I know, I like you too, that´s why we are friends, isn´t it?”

“yeah.. but I like you more than that” My heart skipped a beat “I´ve tried to fight against it but  I can´t, I´ve tried to do everything to erease that feeling but I can´t…I can´t keep it to myself either, not anymore”

I was speechless and my heart was pounding. I lifted my head and saw him for a moment. I met his gaze. He was flushed. His eyes sincere and firm. I looked away. This was the moment I had been longing but also the moment I had been fearing and despising.

“you like me? Me? Romantically? Why?” I couldn’t avoid to ask. I said it without looking at him. I couldn’t make myself look at him but I couldn’t find a reason for him to like me like that either. My eyes were wet, tears had started to come out without my permission. He stood up and moved to face me, kneeling on the lower step, the prior from the one I was seated. My eyes were looking down, the tears were like a stream coming down my face. He didn’t touch me.

“I do like you romantically, as you said, I love you Ei. I do not need to have a reason for that but I have reasons. I love you because…”

He didn’t finish his sentence maybe because there were no reasons for him to love me or maybe because my brain couldn’t place words in his mouth.

The alarm clock woke me up. It all had been a dream, despite that I knew, during my dream, what the answer to his words were –the one that my brain and desires had put in his mouth to say- I was his already I was going to yield to him. He didn’t even need to say nor ask for it. It was a dangerous feeling because in my heart I kenw I was going to ditch everything, even myself for him. I cant help to move my own head dispprovingly because I sound so much like the women´s I dislike, giving up even themselves to be with a guy that –as most of the times- will end up hurting and messing them up. I sound so mcuh like them. I wonder if we are the same. There´s a saying that declares `all men are the same` I kind of believe it, but maybe it applies to women too, maybe sooner or later we all become the same. How awful! From that point of view it is good that all of this is only in my head and I´m the only one who knows about it… however in my craziest, lonely nights I feel like telling it all to him.

I think I will loose him though, I feel he would go away from me if I were to tell him. I would make him uncomfortable and he would hurt me by rejecting me. I can´t loose him, not him, the one who saved me from darkness when I needed it the most –even though he didn’t do it consciously or so he says. Somehow he knows everything about me and at the same time knows me so little. All this time he is the one that has been in my mind, he was the one I wanted to talk to earlier this day while for some reason I started to shed tears for my lost family. I wanted his confort but of course I didn’t call  him. I don’t want to bug him. If he were to call me in the middle of the night or way too early in the morning I would gladly answer him, wich I have when he has done so, and I guess he may do the same for me… I just don’t want to test that theory. I wonder if I give him too little credit.

Ayon, Ayon, Ayon, my fallen angel. Mine…

Tears keep coming down my eyes, like in my dream, that had been the only real part, the tears in my face…

again

It doesnt matter how hard she has tried
the shields and walls are not strong enough
without noticing
she has fall again
and her stone heart is really as soft one

The wounds are not yet heal
but the knife is cutting though them again
its blade sharper than ever,
maybe it´s easier to cut through scars

old wound, new wounds
one blade, a sword, a knife
all of them in her heart
motionless she is now,
there´s nothing left to do

again, again, again
why?....

Fallen angel

Chapter 7***LockeD***

I´ve realized that I like him, not like a friend but like a woman likes a man. I like him in a romantic way. It has taken me forever to say that, to admit it. Now I don’t know what to do with that truth. I don’t think it would be wise of me to tell him, besides I´m way too coward for such a thing. Sometimes I feel like he might have the same feelings for me but I´m sure that´s just my imagination. The bright side of this all, is that it doesn’t cause me pain, some uneasiness maybe but not unbearable pain, most of the times, that is, and at least my mind keeps those feelings locked while being with him though he may feel that I´m a little distant because of that.

Only today, the first time ever… We had have lunch, only the two of us –he ditched his company to be with me, wich made me a little happier- we had finished. He was telling me something and suddenly I found myself sinking in the depth of his eyes. I was no longer listening but I was watching his face, studying his lips, thinking how beautiful they are, that thought brought me back. I blinked twice or so, smiled and then I moved my sight to the folliage of the trees “oh my!  What am I doing?!” I asked myself in my thoughts. It was a first. I really hope that he hadn´t realize… maybe not because I´ve stared at him before though that time my intention was to look into his through, his eyes, he got unconfortable and asked me to stop while blushing a little but this time I was just day-dreaming while looking at him. Now I knew that somehow but more than his “shell” as he calls his body, I like his spirit, his soul, his mind, his energy, who he truly is. My feelings are beyond any labels or classifications. It doesn’t matter if he is a demon or a man or an angel I just like Ayon. Of course he is a demon and that fact won´t ever change but it is just not a decisive point for me. My heart has set on him despite that and I know I should feel guilty for saying and feeling so but I just don’t… but of course that doesn’t imply  that I´ll do something about it.

“what about you? Would you be after me if I were a man?” he said once to me. We were having a conversation on how many girls were after him due to his looks, I guess, of course non of them knew he was a demon, a being capable of ending their lives with a thought, only I knew but I also knew as he had said many times before that he could never look at me that way.

“no” I said  “I probably wouldn’t even be friends with you if you were a human, don’t you know how antisocial I am?” I said rolling my eyes “so I like you better the way you are…”

I wonder sometimes if he meant to imply something not only with that question but also with him saying reapeatedly the words “it could never be you”, so much that I wondered if he felt like convincing someone, I was convinced though, but he pressed on the subject, on the sentence. Some other comments that felt so…so different, but I´ve always ended up thinking it is all in me.

I´ve given some thought to what  I want with this, to what I might want to happen. I´ve reached the conclussion that if he ever were to have romantic feelings towards me and he told them to me –he is strange on saying his feelings… sometimes he just say them so freely but sometimes he imprison them in his heart, which causes him pain but in the end he put them out, only after a battle with himself about the consequences, always the same: loosing someone important- if he were to have feelings for me and if he were to tell them to me it would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me but it would also be the best of all things that could ever happen to me, both at the same time. My heart and mind would be tear appart because I would like to be his and have him but I would also feel guilty as if I would be dishonoring the person I´ve loved the most.

Mom, she was my beloved one, my everything. The memory of her is the most important thing to me, my most precious possession. She hated demons whole heartedly. She had known one who hurt her so she hated them and I feel that if I ever were to be with one I might be dishonoring her, I would be betraying her. I still think she is with me. I even talk to her as we used to, it feels like she is there. I can feel her approving voice when I do something good or her disapproving eyes when I do something wrong, like not going to the tiresome meetings. I am sure now that she is here with me, after all, I hang out with a demon almost all the time so how could I doubt about her soul being near me as she promissed she would be…

How could I let her know I have feelings for Ayon, a demon, even my eyes fill with tears with the thought of her getting mad at me, of her stopping to love me, it just crushes me. If I were to tell her I´m sure she would vanish me from her heart. I would be an outcast, no longer her daughter…the worst thing that has happened to me has been to get to care about him, to get to love him; however, I don’t want to go away from him. I want to have him near, sometimes I feel the urge to have him only for me. Some part of me feels this is the best thing that has happened to me because he makes me smile, he eased my pain, he has been an angel to me.

Like echo, mother´s voice sounded in the back of my head  “despicable, that´s how they are” she usde to say. She despised them though she didn’t know not every demon is the same. Each on of them prefers to deal only with one type of sin, so there are demons for the vanity, others for lust and so on.  The ones with more power, the princes, could do as many as they want but they too prefer only one type of sin. Ayon, as demon, has one type too. He has or prefers arrogance in the form of comptent for rules. I guess it´s that way because he has fallen after disobeying the rules of not falling in love with a demon. He restrains himself, though, he tries not to overdo his temptations so people have the opportunity to surpace the prove, still he does no more thatn use what they give to him, their own thoughts and feelings. I wonder if I am not one of those persons…since mom rules said “no demons” I, by being with him –the guy that was forbiden for me- I am being proved to commit the sin of breaking the rules… thought in a way I´ve already broken it since I already love him, it´s just that it is not noticeable and probably will never be.

Fallen angel

Chapter 6***AyoN***

Angels do not have bodies nor demons, he said in one of our conversations, that is because both of them are energy only, a way to compare us, so you have an idea of how we look, he said when he saw my questioning expression, is the image of a thunder. A thunder is pure energy and they have different forms, maybe a line only or something like a tree with many branches…

“so you guys are bluish?” I said. He laugh ed at my silly, simple question

“just like energy, Ei, just like energy”

“so, what is this warm skin of yours then?”

“well, as thunders, we have different forms too. My real form is quite like what you see now, only bluish as you said it, of course we don’t have shells-skin- like you humans nor all the inner things of you; however, we can summon all the elements that form you and join them with our energy to create a shell for us, wich will cover our true `bluish` form and will make us look like you…”

“you summon…?” I said confused “ah! You extract iron, zinc, carbon and all that? Wow! You create all of it from nowhere? You create a body…”

“that´s right” he said a little hesitant 
“but ...you do not look like us”

“what do you mean?” he sounded a little worried

“well, you know, normal human male do not look like you” he didn’t get that I was half teasing him “you do look like an ANGEL” I said. This time he understood.

“aah! Yeah! That…of course I´m sexy!”

“ah, yeah, the prince of darkness is so sexy!” I laughed

Though indeed he was quite beautiful. He was an angel, well a demon…what I mean is that sometimes it seems demons are much more alluring phisically. This demon-prince was a tall man, his skin so white that made him look like an angel, the kind that are made of marble. His eyes emerald-green, small…he had long eye-lashes, like the ones models have. His forehead was man-like, square like, his cheecks where woman-like, they got easily colored, he looked so cute when that happened, thought I had never heard of Regi or Julia nor even from Shiloe say such a comment of him getting blush. His mouth, my favorite part of his face, was small, pinkish, his lips were thin but had a beautiful proportion, they were not like man lips but they were not like woman lips either. Maybe it made sense for him to be ambiguous in some of his body traits, after all angels and spirits are not supposed to have gender. His hair was long, to his shoulders, a little more, he had a wavy hair that he always tied with a ribbon, two colors only: black or white.

His body was pretty too but it is hard to tell how, or to compare because as a whole his looks were quite androginous. He could pass as a woman if he choosed to wear woman´s cloth and make-up but he looked like a too beautiful man while wearing man´s cloth, maybe like those young models that walk on the runways of fashion shows. I don’t know it´s hard to tell.

He had long fingers but they were delicate as woman´s hands, he also liked to leave his nails long, like woman use them, even longer than I use them –the thought of that comparison made me chuckled- he has pretty nails. His feet do not look man-like they are quite delicate too, all white, without defects. I guess, the right way to describe him is say that he didn’t look human. I wouldn’t know about the rest of his body, only that he is truly beautiful, wingless of course, they do not have that, that is only a metaphor. He doesn’t have horns and tail either, that is only another metaphor.

His skin is always warm and it smells really nice. A delicate not-sweet smell lingers on his skin and hair, a bit more sweet in his hair, like fruits. It´s not strange that I´ve notice that much of him, I love to see details on people once they´ve become familiar, smell is one of those details I tend to notice a lot, mother used to be like that…

His voice is soft and deep but not as low, as monotone as man´s but it is definitely not a woman´s voice, it is simply beautiful. His eyes deep, his mouth, gorgeus, and his voice are the things I like the most about him. I like everything about him but those traits are my favorite ones, not that it matters anyway I wish I knew how he sees me. Once he said I had beautiful hair, so, he, I guess, he likes my dark, long, straight hair. Other day he said I was ok, because I smelled ok – I had told him lightly that I liked his smell- so I guess he likes the way I smell too. Those are the only things I know, besides the part where he is always praising my inteligence –my brain, of all things- and my ability to accept him.

I really miss him today.

Fallen angel

Chapter 6***RealizatioN***

Once, I remember, Julia and I were talking. Ayon wasn’t there. She said that since I was getting busier and busier with every passing day at my job, so much that I couldn’t see Ayon as much as before and she was no longer his “girl” –we had this talk after they broke up, before she started dating some one else. They were only friends by this time-  she said, that this other girl, Regi-a new acquantaince of the three of us-, was going to be there for him.

“I don’t like her” I said without thinking “not her” I continued.

“why not” she asked curiously.

“I don’t like her” I said again without thinking.

“are you jealous?” she said, suspicion in her voice.

-thump- my heart skipped a beat. I hadn´t stopped to think in what she might have infered from my words… I hadnt been thinking at all.

“that can´t be” I said, trying to sound rational and calm

“I´m not saying that way” she said, really meaning the opposite “friends get..”

“no, they they don’t” I interrupted her “friends can´t get jealous of friends…”

I don’t really remember the rest of the conversation but that part of it kept me awake the whole night. Was I jealous of Regi? After many moons with the thought I got to the conclussion that I was but only because she got to be so much around him and I couldn’t do it anymore. Sometimes she even came and iterrupted my time with Ayon. Of course he didn’t thought the same way and I was not going to say anything about that. I just sucked it up.

He had met Regi in the park. She used to follow me but of course at a time when I wanted nothing with anybody. I just couldn’t become her friend at the time and I got to dislike her for following me so much. Now she was following Ayon, actually that started some time after he met Julia, when they were dating. Julia liked Regi. Regi liked Ayon and she was after him. Ayon knew but had not any interest or feelings towards her, in fact, I could say  that his demon side came out with her. When she annoyed him too much he could almost be mean to her but she didn’t seemed to care, of course I felt some kind of relieve when I saw he didn’t consider her at all in a romantic way. They´re still friends. I try to be polite with her but sometimes I just cant, sometimes even he makes fun of her, his evil side, I guess, but she doesn’t give up. She holds on to her feelings for him.

Shiloe appears some times challenging him. He is still undercover. Only HE, the devil, Julia, Regi and I know the truth about him. Ayon is getting a bit stronger in resisting Shiloe but his true nature keeps coming out and something strange is growing inside my heart…denial… I´ve been sighing without reason. Sighing without apparent reason I meant.

Some days I felt gloomier than ever before. I dint know why. Those days I was more sad, mad, tired. I was with a lost stare most of the time. Some other days I was happier, livelier, smiling the whole time, energetic, better. I didn’t know what was the reason of these mood swings.

One day in wich I was particularly sad, a thought, my own voice sounded in my head “don’t you miss me?” it sounded sad and slowly in my mind, it was a weird thing for me to think, to whom I was asking that? It had been months since I hadnt feel like talking to my family in my thoughts, I had accepted their death a while ago, beside them I had no one to want to talk to, beside them there were no one for me to miss, or to be missed by.

“Ayon” and then again “Ayon”, “Ayon” “Ayon, don’t you miss me?”. It was almost a week since the last time I had seen him. We had have no communication. As soon as a realized to whom I was asking the question I got really desperate. I wanted to see him but my schedule was full of stupid meetings. I wanted to talk to him but when I was about to press the call button my mind went blank and I couldn’t think of anything to tell him and it seemed silly to only say something like

“hi”

“hi” he surely would echo me

“how are you?”

“fine” he never said nothing more to that question

“…” and then silence, I would get mute.

No, I couldn’t talk to him. Then I thought in texting him but everything that I texted seemed  incredibly shallow. I was about to send the text when I thought why on earth would he want to know that? Or anything I might say…I erased the message over and over. I ended up not sending nothing and feeling more desperate than before.

Since I couldn’t see him or call him or text him I wished with all my heart that he called or texted me. The silliest of all options. Sometimes out of casualty, I guess, he texted me and I felt happy and my desperation desapeared, some other times –because this started to happen quite often- he didn’t called or texted and I whished so much for him to do it, repeating in my thoughts “please, text me, please, call me, listen to me, Ayon, please, I miss you, I´m bored here…” I repeated that over and over. Sometimes, like that day, I endep up falling asleep.

At the beginning I hadnt make the connection between the days that I saw Ayon and my happy mood and the days that I didn’t see him and my gloomy mood. One day it just occurred to me that he could be the reason. I didn’t want to believe so but it didn’t matter because it still happened. I decided to ignore the reason. It worked but only when I was awake, when I was conscious but many times in my sleep I could find myself thinking about him. I would dream of him without realizing it. He started to be the first thought in the morning when I woke up and he was the last thing in my head when I fall asleep. He owned my dreams most of the times. At first I was just surprised for this behaviour of mine then I started to feel annoyed with myself, then I was upset because the thoughts wouldn’t go away! Finally I decided not to do anything about them.

 Somehow…sometimes I even humor them. At night when I was half sleep, half awake I would think on Ayon and instead of stopping myself I started to imagine we were talking like we used to, of course I imagined his answers, the same would happen in some mornings, specially in cold ones. This was my secret. No one knew. Sometimes I felt guilty when I was fully awake not because I thought so much about him but because I used him, his image, I put words in his mouth, I used him in my fantasies. So, for example, when I was cold and that had awoken me in the middle of the night I would think that he was by my side and that I got closer to him looking for his warm skin. I dreamt that he hugged me and smiled his half-arrogant smile. I dreamt that I buried my face into his chest and then I fell asleep… indeed that happened, well the falling asleep part only. I felt my self getting insane. I think I was getting insane…I guess I´ve gotten insane already.

One day he was called back to heavens, he had to fake being an angel, of course, he had been called by his family. He went away and we didn’t get in touch for a while, almost an eternity to me. I felt so lonely without him. My thoughts intoxicated me. He was all the time in my mind. Ayon, Ayon, Ayon the demon, the fallen angel. I would listen to our conversations in my head over and over, they were sort of carved in my brain, maybe they were a confort to me, and listening to them was a way to confort myself. Ayon, Ayon…

Fallen angel

Chapter 5***Three is a crowd***

Arround those days my life got a bit complicated. Since I was the only one left of my family I had to deal with everything by myself. According to the law, I was an addult, I was more than 18 so, I could be in charge of the assets my parents left as well as their financial affairs, now mine. They had a construction company, them and this other family. I was supposed, even before I knew how to talk, to take care of the family business but certainly nobody thought I was going to take over this early in my life. Anyway, they were gone and I had half of the company and that meant I had to be in the board meetings, take care of important decisions. It was a torture for me to be there, it had so many memories of what I had lost but I couldn’t run from it, I had to do it in order to live and satisfy my needs, also for my family memory.

Because of my new responsibilities I couldn’t be in the park as much as before, before the board had given some time to “recover” a spare time from my duties but it was over, that meant I couldn’t be with my precious friend anymore. I was upset because of that but there was nothing I could do. He didn’t seemed affected, not that I wanted him to be, he had enough with his own pain.

He kept on going to the park, I went only the days  I could, as a result of him being alone in the park he found some new people. I don’t know if that had to do wit feeding or not. I wasn’t there and he had the right to be with other people, though I felt somehow excluded.

Julia was her name. she was ok, though I didn’t like her, I was just nice to her because Ayon seemed to be quite fond of her. She didn’t seem to like me either, but she was polite too. I used to think that the only thing we had in common was Ayon.

One day I decided to step out a little, to leave Julia and Ayon alone for a while. I sensed how she liked him, romantically, and I sensed how Ayon didn’t realized it but he had started to feel certain interest for her too. I had to let him forget Shiloe, maybe Julia could help him to get over her because there had passed too many moons since that day, I thought.

Eventually, they discovered each others feelings, though they were not sure of it. Ayon told Julia all about him and she accepted it, she asked him about me and him, and how come we where so close, he told her we were only friends. Ayon told me about this, also he told me how he thought Julia had feelings for him “I know” I said, “and so do you…. You have feelings for her too, don’t you?” he was surprised that I said it but he knew I was right. I wonder now if it was ok for me to help him see he had feelings for her too…

More days passed. I left them alone. One day I learned that Ayon was dating Julia. I couldn’t beleve that a demon could date a simple human but it seemed it was possible. They werent so expressive to each other, not so much, other than hugs I never saw them being expressive of their relationship, at least, not infront of me. Despite that, both of their energies had changed, I could feel it, their energies were different when they were together.

No matter that he had Julia, I was still feeding from Ayon and vice versa, so I knew what happened between them. He was bit livelier, like some part of his Shiloe wound was getting better. Those days I noticed I was gloomier for some reason.

I didn’t want to be near Julia but I knew Ayon wanted to be with her all the time, as much as possible, but he wanted to be with his friend, me, as well, so both of us, Julia and me, tried to be good to each other, what else could I do after all? Ayon had been nice to me by not forgetting me or leaving me behing in favor of  his girlfriend. I couldn’t be impolite to him therefore I couldn’t be impolite to Julia.

One day, Ayon said she and I had many similarities, that took me aback. I was offended, I didn’t said it, not like that at least but in the end it was true, some traits were similar in both of us. We realized this after I quit trying to be away from Julia and when she finally stopped being somehow jealous of me or at least she hid it.

She was ok but in the end she was not. She never really stopped being jealous so she gave bad references of me to Ayon. He asked about it. I clarified things and of course I demanded an explanation from Julia. We never talked anymore after that though she appologized. Ayon forgave her, I did it too, though it didn’t mean I wanted to talk to her anymore. We lost contact.

Ayon is a demon, a prince of darkness but he has most of his angel traits. He forgave Julia countless times. After she rejected his energy once and left him pretty injured –because he was so linked to her- he stopped dating her but he dept being her friend. She asked him to go back to dating to the point where he got quite annoyed but he forgave her this too. In fact, he was very happy when she started dating somebody else. She said awful things of him to that person. She treated his reputation like trash and yet he forgave her… another wound to my angel, to my precious friend, still he held no resentment towards her. It is a different story for me. I really dislike her for making him suffer. Ayon had been quite sad after she was so mean to him.