The well

Walking through the desert,
Pass the dual door,
I found

A well.
It called itself empty and dark
But it was full of stars.

***

It's been forever since I have posted. I had ideas but this one is perfect for a first post after so long

one day

The day will come when we won't have to cry,

When the only pain will be in our bellies after laughing too much

The day will come when we see only sunrise, and the sun won't hurt our eyes and it will not burn our skin

The day will come when our dreams won't be anymore, they'll be our life;

Nightmares will be over, the memory of a life that's so deep in the past that it might just be a legend

The day will come when our hearts will be light as a feather and songs will burst out of our chest

I have seen that day, it's in my mind, it is not a story, it is not a dream, it is a fact. The clock's ticking, taking us closer to the moment we long for

It is right ahead in our path, waiting for us to arrive, at the right time, when we are supposed to, right when all the planets align and the stars shine and the sun forgets whether it's rising up or sinking in

The time will come

Oct 2014

**** The funny thing is that I get these moments in which I glimpse these things and then... pain comes and life happens... And it's just a dream but I guess that when I wrote it, the few minutes it took me to do it, when it poured out of my mind, I believed it, I saw it

Envy

I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was telling me about how her life's been going. She's doing pretty good. She just came back from a business trip. I had seen her pictures in one of so many social media sites. She's starting ESL classes this week, she's getting ready for a promotion at her job, she's gotten a boyfriend who apparently is a complete gentleman and also comes from a good family, she's planning a date with him this weekend to celebrate his graduation from university... She sounds so happy and I'm so happy for her and proud of her. She's a great friend and an amazing, smart person...

But...

It makes me a little sad, it's like she pointed out with her happiness and success that my life is still and that I have nothing going on anymore. I can totally do without the guy and it's not that I want what she has or that I wanna do what she's doing but I want to be doing my own things, to be moving forward.

I think if we had yearbooks n stuff like that, everybody would've said I was the most likely to success; even I believed it and I felt successful, getting a good job even before graduating... On the verge to move to my very own place, not having time for those French and Japanese lessons that I've always wanted, helping my family...feeling like I was making a positive influence in kids' lives... It was so good that it pretty much over shadowed my darkness, my sadness, my pain. I didn't mind it.

And...

I lost it, lost all that in the space of a step and the next. All I have now is darkness, sadness and pain. And I don't want to see or be seen by anybody and I don't dream and I don't wish and I don't plan for the future anymore and all I want is the end. My life is winter, all rain and dark sky.

Still...

I'm glad that my friend is doing well and I wish her the best, she's worked so hard for it. Even though it points out, in my mind, that I'm dead even if I live, it feels a little like it's my success, my happiness. Who wouldn't feel grateful when the ones they love are happy?

Doves' Cry

Doves with their sad song remind me of you, Their delicate eyes make me think of your serious expression And of the smiles that you smiled only for me.

It's not night anymore but it's not properly day either, But I'm awake and writing with bleary eyes, You're on my mind. You don't believe me, I know.

I'm awake, It's not dawn yet,
Sitting on my bed still under the blankets
As if I have to write about you
At these unholy hours just because you're an early riser.
I smile.

***
written: oct 12th

Goodbye

I'm sorry mom. I just can't keep going. I don't want this life anymore. I'm sad all the time, wishing it was the end that never comes, I finally have the courage to bring it to me. You're sad and maybe I broke you with this. I didn't mean to hurt you though I know I've done just that. Please don't blame this on you. You are perfect, the best mother and teacher that anybody could wish for. It's just me. Please carry on, my bro needs you and my niece as well and you just light the world so don't let me bring you down. I'm sure I'll finally be happy where I'm going. Mom you are my all, my anchor, my life, my very best friend. I always valued the connection and closeness we had. I could tell you so much but I know I don't need to, you know I love you as much as you love me. Mom, you have no idea how hard you make this, have done it many times over. If I've stayed around it's been for you, your help and constant love and it's not that now it's less or less important for me, it's just that I'm very tired, so tired and I have been for a long time, you know that right? It's not your fault, my beautiful. Nothing was your fault. Too bad I won't know who my niece became. I know she'll be great though. Tell her that I loved her deeply. My baby bro will be mad at me, I know, I'd be too if it was the other way around, you're my soul Jo, I love you always. I always admired you, your faith and strength, your pure heart despite your wild nature. I'm so proud of you bc you prove everybody wrong, you became a great man and a great dad. Keep on being amazing. Thank you for all the great memories, you truly are my best friend. I wanna tell you so much and over and over that I love you. I'll miss your hugs so much and your jokes and how awesome you are. Don't let me bring you down, you're infinite times better than what I'll ever be. I felt loved, dad, your love for me since before I even existed was a protecting wall that I had. Thank you. You're my dad and no matter what I'll always love you. Memories of us together are very important for me. If not for you I wouldn't have the values I had, maybe I wouldn't have been a feminist, one that believed in equality and in being independent, you taught me that it didn't matter if I wanted things different or if I was different, that was even better. I know you were always proud of me, I was always proud of your success too, you're one of the smartest men I've ever met. Thank you so much for teaching me about god and faith and heaven, it's the best gift you could have given me. My family, my all. Outside you, nothing existed. I love you. If after my selfish actions I can ask you a favor it'll be to let know my friends that they were important, stars in a dark sky, even if I never said it but I felt loved by them as well. They taught me so many things. Bes, my very first friend, Xiomi always very patient, Cecy my bff, one that knew me well, I admire her faith, she's so smart. I only had one new friend in college and she totally won my heart, I wish her happiness. These women are so amazing, strong and independent, the best. I'll never forget them. I think in rl I sort of only have one guy friend, the most positive of ppl always trying to make me laugh, I thank him for always remembering my bday even if I forgot his. There are a couple of friends that I've never met in person but that feel as close, I cherish and appreciate them a lot. Saku with her great heart and patience. I'm always making her mad but she's so cool that always let's go of that, it was always so easy to talk to her and wow it was so great to share our writings, I probably never said it but her comments on my stuff made me feel anxious and giddy, her opinion was important for me. I'd never know how to thank her for being my sole companion in the times I felt alone and broken. There is one boy, years younger than me but wow he's admirable, so strong and focused. I know he'll do the great things he plans. I couldn't be more proud of him. I never met Matty in real life but I think we both wished it. I need to thank him for giving me the strength to finally accept all of me, to stop ignoring and hiding sides of me and though I'm always quiet about everything that has to do with myself, those who matter know me and that was something Matty helped me with. If he was such a great kid, I know he'll be a great man. This is a goodbye but it only makes it all harder by reminding me of the moments of light in the darkness, by reminding me of the people I love, my angels. If only I could make it better, I'm sorry to disappoint you all. I know most of you will think so much less of me, think of me as a coward and selfish person. It's alright, I won't contradict you. I'm tired, so tired. All I want to do is sleep forever. All of you are so amazing. Thank you for seeing me. Until we meet again, my lovelies and friends.

******

btw,I havent done anything...still around and all, writing this letter only had the effect of snapping out of the crisis I was in... not that things are perfect now but I´ll still b around for now

DL-cover

My sweet sweet friend made something that I really love. I really wanted to post it here, I´m glad she let me. It´s her idea of a cover for DL if it were to be published.
I´m very glad that you took the time to make this one, Saku

Fifth floor

really wanted u to c this one :)

I had always been worried about tie

I had always care if I’m on time

I never cared about the world turning around

I never checked sunlight other than right outside my window

I only cared about my way

I never cared about distances

I always wanted to go outside

But in reality, in the present, 21000 kilometers have been my limit

Here I am counting differences,

Here I am thinking about day and night somewhere away

A thousand and nighty five days, twelve hours, the minute that just passed…

It all got together and shouted me to open my eyes to another world

I’m missing a warmth I’ve never felt

But that is real, often much more real than the ones next to me

One more day… I wonder what you´re doing

I wonder following your words, somewhere where I can’t see

Things that I´ll never know,

Time that we´ll never share

A cliff, a gap that right now feels huge…

At the fifth floor I see the sun hiding behind the never ending mountains

I see gray skies as I turn my swiveling chair just once

I wonder, are you busy now?

Are you looking at the sky just like I’m doing now?

Like a boss :p

I always find it strange how sometimes you get to feel things on behalf of someone else, it seems to me that it shouldn´t be possible because it´s not your feelings to feel, if that makes sense -probably not. Im saying this because sometimes I find myself feeling certain things, like sadness or pride, not because something bad or good has happened to me but because it has happened to someone else. This is not the only part of it that makes me wonder but also the fact that I´ve gotten to care so much for that/those other person/people. It often makes myself question, how on Earth that happened?

This post is not about me wondering but it is about feeling accomplished and about caring. I want to make this post for my writer friend Saku as a celebration/congratulation note on, once again, completing the 50000 words writing challenge. 

CONGRATULATIONS ON SUCCEEDING FOR SECOND YEAR IN A ROW THE WRITING CHALLENGE!

This was and is supposed to be posted on Saturday, when the month´s over but it´ll get edited because today, six days before my amazing friend has completed and more -since again, Saku, you went and wrote more- the challenge she set for herself. I am elated at her accomplishment, as if it was mine, that´s how I feel it, as if it was me who got to do it and Im in any way trying to put the spotlight on me hahaha but what Im saying is that it gives me so much satisfaction that she made it. 

Saku, didn´t I told you you´d get to it before the month was over? Im so very proud of you. Im very proud of your writing skills and of your perseverance and effort. Also, I feel very honored, yup, honored that you let me be a part of your success and in a way, part of the process, I guess. This 50000 words have been more than amazing!

You made it beautifully!! and now Im thinking about the other writers who are pulling their hair struggling to get another word out of their dry brain, and you got to the end of it with extra words and days before ha! 

oh, *talks to the internet* and she keeps writing, right now hahahaha isn´t she awesome?!

mint and smoke (ff)

A/N: I´ll post this one before I lose my nerve! hahaha This is a slash-y fanfiction of two of my fav boys from one of my dear friend´s story: Dom and Pat. It´s really like a scene more than a real ff. It´s a bit scary because I dont know if I did them well but here it is. It sort of makes me happy because it´s the first thing I publish after a long long time!!
Have a laugh at this Saku!!!
****

“You´ll pay for that so you better start explaining!” narrowed brown eyes stared at me with that familiar piercing gaze

“Yeah?” I raised an eyebrow, not recoiling an inch, that piercing gaze that was being directed to me had no effect on me. No. it did have a huge effect just not fear, no, those brown eyes could never make me fear. I held Dominic´s gaze as a barely imperceptible smile formed in my lips. whoopps too late, he noticed it.

The lean boy right next to me narrowed his yes even more as he jumped on me. Wresting, playfully fighting, it was only the two of us, late at night. We´d been playing some racing video game and I had cheated out of boredom making my best friend lose the game right when he was about to win.

I laughed as I wrestled with Dominic, he´s smaller but strong. I’m sure that despite our size differences if this wasn’t playing we´d be pretty much even. Dom´s inner strength makes up for whatever size or strength difference we might have, but playful or not, I had to win and I know he feels the same way.

I managed to pin Dominic under me, my legs on either side of his hips, my forearms pressing his shoulders and my hands around his wrists, because he was strong I had to use all my body and in a second I noticed how close we were, I noticed my best friend´s messy hair, his brown eyes that reminded me of some kind of drink we´d had together, a drink that´d scorched our tongues and throats but that would make us take another drink and another, such were those eyes.

A glint of one of Dom´s many piercings brought me back to reality. Dominic´s eyebrow had gone up ever so slightly questioning, his eyes moved a little, studying my face. I did the same until I noticed he was wearing a smirk as he looked at my mouth which was slightly opened and who knows for how long it had been that way.

“So, how do you like to have me pinned under you?” he said as the side of his lips curled up. It was like the wind had been knocked out of me. I needed air. I needed a cigarette, badly. I will forever wonder how he manages to be the one in control even when he´s not the one in control.

“Seems like you like it just fine from up here” I said not backing away. I could be lightheaded but I wouldn’t buckle, though in a way I did because without noticing I had lowered myself onto him. Our noses practically touching, our chests did touch every time I breathed. Dominic raised both eyebrows, like a “what now?” or a “do you dare to…?” and I dared.

I leaned all the way down at the same time that I let free on of his hands. I took his mouth in mine, savoring his smirk, minding much the hot shape of his lips that drives girls and guys equally crazy. This was no soft kiss; this was a hard kiss where I took my chance to finally explore his mouth.

Finally.

such a hard pix to find >_<

We´d kissed before, on dares, on drunken nights after a party, on the insistence of the girls but never like this. He´d never had any scruples invading my mouth when those times happened, my mouth or anybody´s mouth for that matter, the guy likes kissing hard and good and he never left unsatisfied but I had never kissed him, not like this. I had always been able to feel his snaky tongue and taste afterwards but this time I wanted my taste to linger in him, smoke and mints in his mouth, I wanted to turn his lips red with mine and so I went for it, unapologetic, he didn’t complain, he kissed me back, playfully at first like all those other times and then he was with me, only with me like when we talk about everything and nothing.

I felt him free his other hand from mine; it went to my neck, his rough fingertips brushing the bones in my back. I pulled him closer to me and touched under his jacket, under his sweater.

“Enjoying yourself?” his breath tickled in my ea. I felt him smile against me as clearly as the cool metal bars and rings in his face contrasted with my hot skin

“You´re not bad, man” I chuckled because I sound less cool than what I had expected. We had managed to sit up, his body on my lap. I pulled him again to me and by the look in his eyes I could tell he was having a great time with my insistence, the jerk loved it.

It was a kiss that left me out of breath, my chest rising quick, he let go a little and kissed me one more time. I took his lip between my teeth and he tasted me, he chuckled, ruffled my hair as I was still trying to catch my breath.

“You should consider quit smoking –he said with a serious expression. I raised an eyebrow slightly annoyed, his expression melted into a relaxed, a playful one- you´re out of breath too quick. Can’t keep up” he smirked as he adjusted my discarded gray beanie back on my head. I watched him with a blank expression as I blew the smoke of my recently lit cigarette in his face. He popped a mint in his mouth; it was my time to smirk…

Mirror

Shine like night,

An oxymoron, 

What´s better than that?

What you got it´s all you need...

Go to the mirror and see it

There´s you and your shy smile

Down-casted eyes that hide a kind heart

Go on and see past your eyes

See yourself in me if you prefer

What do you see?

I see a mellow light,

Kind words, a few unintended jokes

Just be, does it get better than that?

No need to fit in the mold

I´ve seen

I never said I´d change

A mirror that talks from the other side

I want to talk to the reflex there

To tell what I see

Because I never noticed a few things

Maybe the image behind haven´t either

Thinking

My dear friend, Saku:

You see so many flaws in yourself. You are so not a waste of time. Such a beautiful heart shouldn´t be tossed aside as if it was nothing but air.

What I find most interesting is that what you see as your flaws –and I might be wrong but it seem that those are not your thoughts but what the world full of insensitive people has been shouting and whispering at you in every step of the way and so the echo of their stupidity is now crashing inside the walls of your soul… but I´m going far from my original thought, so again, what you seem to think your flaws are make such a great person and I´d never call those a flaw but completely the opposite.

Kindhearted and caring, I always say it –and I guess I´ll keep saying it, sorry but you know I´m a stubborn person- I wish there would be more people like you, there´s too much selfishness… It is so refreshing to find someone so selfless. There´s too much talking. Everyone speaks louder trying to be heard above the many other screaming voices and there surrounded by a forest of mouths there´s someone who´s willing to listen and listen and listen…

It is so sad that because of that, the world has kept you captive inside your own mind…and have made you forgot how to talk and has made you forget how your thoughts do matter, how what you have to say should be heard as well…

I want to close my mouth and open my ears, but before closing my mouth, I want to say again how important what you have to say is… even if it´s little… after all little things made big things.

***

These were just some of the thoughts I had last night... because I´m bad at spontaneously speaking, I wrote it down.

Amazing

This is you writing :p

November´s been a great month reading-wise.
Today that is the last day of November, I want to celebrate my favorite current reading, LTMT, getting an extra 50,000+ words!

Yay! I feel happy that my friend got to make the challenge, I know it wasn´t easy, but she made it and she made it beautifully, she´s shown -even more- how creative and talented she is -and also that she sticks to her words like the main characters in the story.

I´m amazed, I´m proud -and I´m smiling.

Saku, thank you for letting me be part of this story -as your reader and your n°1blogger stalker lol
As I´m posting this, less than 100 words are missing, my friend will be completing the challenge and making more words. I knew you could make it! Congrats again! --please make another month writing moth!! hehe

Jealousy? me?

There´s someone that I care for a lot, a lot... At some point this one person and I became friends and we were close -I hope we still are as close as before- it´s been periods of time with no talk at all... at times it seems that we have nothing to say anymore but it´s not true, at least my mind, as always, is boiling with tons of thoughts that my mouth just can´t form in spoken words and somtimes that´s extended to my fingers... I can´t even write anymore and to say a simple "hello" or a more meaningful "I´ve missed you a lot"...

At times I see a few conversations... geez I must be some kinda stalker... yeah, I´ve read that someone´s wall on fb and conversations that are not mine... I have thoughts on it and I could just jump into them and I don´t think this one person would kick me out of it but I just can´t... there´s something that stops me... the thing is that I just feel hurt when I see this, a dear person for me being so familiar with other people, people that by any means is bad people, they´re good people, but I want  it too. I feel a bit childish for that and that just adds to that weird inability of mine to say things. I have tons of things to say but I just wonder "what if this person doesn´t care? is this or that thought too silly?" and so on... what is wrong with me? words -at least written- used to be so easy for me ... ok, I know, I´m just shy and though I care, talking first is not an easy thing to do even if I know I´m cared for... Things should be easy and I shouldn´t feel ignore or less close to my friend because I still care and my friend must still care... if not at least a little for sake of memories...

Am I jealous??! I cringed at the idea of that and the first time I was asked that about this particular topic my answer was a big NO NO but I was and I am but it is awfully hard to admit specially for someone who claims that doesn´t like people, for someone that claims she´s cold and heartless -oh, there´s still some heart there... I guess I´m jealous and it´s weird to admit, I´m only saying it this time and I would never, ever, ever post this one thing...

but...

I want to show some other very important friend that...

she is not alone...

there´s this other nutty -oh, my I love that, sounds so much like a candy :) - that feels the same way even if she -I´m talking of myself ok? (just don´t stare at me)- seems to be a bit absent at times or less caring... that´s just what life does to her but

ok, I´m making this too long... I ramble too much...so let´s cut to the chase

my point is, it´s ok to feel hurt and like this, it´s a bit crazy but even that is part of who we are and it shows that we care and it doesn´t mean we can´t change it... a simple hi might look scary for someone like us...
but you see, I´m taking a first step, a huge one because I´m opening my mind/soul here telling something I just wouldn´t admit...

did it make sense what I wanted to do? probably not... I´m no good at these things -sigh-
oh well, I tried
it´s the thought that counts

you see, once again, I´m feeling very shy about this and I have to try and make myself feel that it´s ok, that it doesn´t matter

oh, well
I´ll just stop now

July good stuff

Gauss made a mathematical discovery -geez this guy made students life way more difficult...

Neptune was discovered -ha, this makes me think on how I never thought of this.

Fist public schoolhouse -yay! though kids at times think there shouldn´t be schools at all

Smoking in public places is banned in England -great thing! and better that now this has happened in my country too

The first coin to honor a woman is introduced: Susan B. Anthony, she was a leader and played a huge role in the fight for women rights. Awesome, I wish women were honered like this over here.

First cultivated strawberry -so they were only wild before? 0_o

U.S independence day-- many streets were closed this year in my country because of this. I wonder if streets are closed in some other country when our independence day is celebrated mmm

Lewis Carol creates Alice in Wonderland -Awesome!! I like this story, I even want a costume like Alice´s. I like the book and the Disney version too!

Hard Days Night, Beetle's premiere --ha, so there´s a movie? well, I love the song! -happened in July ;)


First woman enters naval forces-- ok, I´m so against military stuff but I think it´s important because women should be able to do what they want to do and not be stopped just for being women.

Che comes to my country --ok, Che was a reviolutionary leader, he had good thoughts -or so I think

The declaration of independency was read in Pensilvania-- isn´t this nice? independence is always good

Disneyland opened in California --I´ve heard this place is cool

There was an eclipse-- I have faint memories of this, it became really dark as if it was night, I was like three or something

There´s a meteor shower! --ok this will be happening at the end of this month! I should get something to watch this

My bro and little cousin were born-- which is the best of July :p

and finally....

I took the time, on July, to research good stuff to make a list of July good stuff and found out that for some reason it seems that we -human- tend to register mostly the bad things, very little good things are remembered and that´s so bad, more good things should be remembered. I´d like to start making a list of good things, to remember not everything can be that bad right? -and that´s a lot comming from me, the oh-so-ever pessimist hahaaha....

---ok, so I did this one for my friend Saku, because it seems July´s been a bad month for her for a while now and I want to giver her a reason -even a very tiny tiny one- to think better of July ^^ --maybe I won´t make it but it´s worth the try, right? --even a little smile would make it worth it ;)

Another ending, a new beginning

I want to dedicate this post to my friend Mira! yay, Mira! and that´s because at this very moment she might be receiving her diploma!!

Congratulations on your hard work! keep up the good work for what comes next ^^

I´m so happy for you, you made it!

Enjoy this success and get ready for many more to come as well as many new and exciting experiences in college and do not dismay if you find yourself in diffucult moments, because you can conquer them, you´ll  see ^^

Once again, Congratulations!