Acceptance

A bird with broken wings.

It will never fly again. 

It weeps. 

It learned to lock the door of its golden cage. 

It turns its back to the window. 

It does not look up to the sky anymore. 

Sing again, little bird.

Dream again, little bird. 

Acceptance.  

A fish in the wide cool ocean. 

It will never fly. 

It goes on swimming. 

It blows bubbles all around. 

It dreams fish dreams. 

It dares to explore the seas of the world. 

Go on your merry way, little fish.

Swim free, little fish. 

Acceptance? 

Pride instead of fear.

I gotta say first of all that it is quite funny to me that I created this space to run away from mysef while at the same time it was a space to be fully myself even if I only ever glanced at myself back then and didn't want to see or call things as they were. This post, is in a way, a closing of a moment, coming full circle, maybe. Over ten years ago, when i first posted, I never thought I'd be where I am now both in the good parts and the bad parts of my current life but unlike back then, I have at least the notion that I can be proud and not just fearful of what  and who I am. This is not what I had planned to write about but just opening blogger brought up the feelings of back then and I had to say them out loud especially with the tittle I had planned for this one.
So, here I am, fearful still but proud as well.
...

Now for the actual post I had planned:

I?ve been listening to different interviews by a page dedicated to LGBTQ+ topics in my country. It is qute rare and I found it by chance. Because of the global pandemic from the start of the month they announced that there was not going to be a pride parade as there has been for the last ten years apparently (Something I didn't know). Instead they were going to host these interviews online and they were going to stream music "live" and they posted videos of past pride events. This whole situation with  the pandemic is the worst but I am pretty happy that it forced the organizers of the pride parade to do something different this year. It has allowed me to learn about things I didn't know were happening, groups I didn't know existed in my country.

There has been a couple of interviews that have touched me . One of them was with a trans woman that has co-founded a non profit organization to help other trans women. In her interview she talked about how at 14 she was kicked away from home for being trans and how she had to work as a prostitute for quite a while to survive. Later on she mentioned her family was and is stilll religious and at both those moments I felt my heart squeeze, I remembered the fear I had back when I first opened this blog, the fear of not being able to even come out to myself let alone my family because as most people in my country they are religious people and just like it happened to my own mother when grandma didn't approve of my father for her and kicked her out, I thought I was going to have to live that hardship. AT the time I had done my best to have something to fall back . So I waited for some years from the time I opened the blog, enough time to have my own place and a job in case my mother kicked me out of te house.

She didn't kicked me out, she wsant happy either and that first night she turned her back to me so that I stopped talking about it, I know she just didn't want to hear it. For quite a while we didn't talk about it but by then she knew and thought I knew she didn't like it or understand it she still loved me and I was and I am grateful that her love was truly unconditional. The other night when I heard about this woman, that like many other LGBTQ+ people in my country are kicked out from their home or wosrse, I felt so grateful that I didn't have to go thorugh that.

Later when i talked about that with my mom, she told me she understand and that at the time she felt a ot of fear. She still feels a lot of fear. She fears for my safety. She is afraid for me because the world is cruel, because people are cruel, because there are no legal protections in my country for not straight people. She wants to protect me and as part of that sometimes she'd rather I didn't talk about my not being straight, at least not where other people could hear and know about it because she doesnt want anyone to hurt me.

I understand and I am afraid too but I think that we shouldnt be afraid, or at least we shouldnt let out fear keep us hidden. I remembered this story I?ve been told a thousand times.

Back when my father learned he was going to be a father and despite the fact that it got my mom kicked from her house, he was so happy and sure that he was going to be the father of a baby girl. Back then, when a man realized that he was going to have a girl they were always sad and disappointed. Even mothers got sad and disappointed, having a girl was no motive for celebration because a girl was less, because a girl came to the world to suffer, because being a woman was too hard.

My father was an exception to the usual, to the normal of back then, instead of being afraid, instead of thinking how tough it was going to be for me to be a woman in a sexist society, he was proud and happy and he wanted to celebrate the fact that I was going to be a girl.

That, I think, is what we all should do. We shouldn't be afraid that our children, our brothers and sisters might be part of the LGBT+ community we shouldn't be afraid to be part of it, we should celebrate and be proud because maybe, with time, like how nowadays fathers are happy to have little girls as little boys as children, maybe one day, parents won't feel the need to kick out their children, parents won't feel an overwhelming fear if their child comes out to them.

Of course, it is important to be cautious, fear is there for a reason, fear is there to protect us and keep us from dangerous situation but it is not there to keep us from being ourselves, from being proud of who we are.

On Love, Hate and Indiference

There's a song that has a line that says something like ther's a fine line between love and hate and another song that has a line that says something like I?d rather you hate me because  hate hurts less than indiference.

I try not to hate people and in general I'm not a hateful person. I do feel dislike towards some people, but not hate and whenever I've felt it, I've always thought that it is a waste of energy, of my own peace of mind, especially when thoe people most likely aren't spending any energy in having any thoughts on me, either positive or negative, so I've always strived not to hate people and to feel indifferent about those  who I've disliked so intensely and have hurt me so bad that I've ended up hating.

It is funny about love that it can make you so incredibly happy and give you this feeling of efervescence or a feeling of safety or a feeling of fullfillment and completion. Love can mae you feel strong and it can make you feel so weak. It can mae you worry so much and it always makes you have the object of your love in your mind. It makes you strong and it makes you weak. It can be your shield and it can be a weapon wielded agaisnt you. It is a blessing  and it is a curse.

I agree with the song that says that there is a fine line between love and hate. One time only, I've experienced this and I pray I never have this experience again.

This perosn that I loved intensely, that was my safety, my shield, my rock, hurt me and turned my love into hate, my most precious memories into nightmares  and my life upside down. To my eyes, this perosn had an acomplice in breaking my heart.

With time and many circumstances, I forgave this person I loved and then hated so much. I forgave them because it took my energy to hate them. It was a cloud of polution in my soul and frankly I was tired of wasting so much energy into this black hole that was my hate. Instead I became indifferent. I recover my memories and they were not nightmares anymore but pictures of a once happy time. This person made a mistake, like humans do. My love for them will never be the same but in all that time while going thorugh many emotions and lvoing and hating and being indifferent and now caring again, I always thought this accomplice should receive some punishment for willingly hurting me and then gloating for the hurt they had caused.

It's been so many years since all that happened so I dont actively think of this accomplice and I dont really hate them but I alwys found it so unfair that they had been doing fine, or seemingly fine when I had suffered so much because of them.

At the beggining of this week I learned that this accomplice happened to see one of my vlogs and they learned I have fibromyalia ....it turns out that they have it too. They even contacted a person close to me to let them know that they had been diagnosed a couple of years ago nd that they understood my suffering, that they knew how awful the pain was. They even said that it was such an awful illness that they wouldn't wish it even on their worst enemy. Those last words are some that I've said plenty of times, however, I have wished for some very bad things to happen to this person.

For amoment I didnt say anything whenI learned of this person having the same illness. I blinked and waited another moment. I realized I didnt feel anything. I didnt feel anything good or bad. I was completely indifferent. I laughed and told mom I wished I could feel happy because this person is suffering as I once wished but , I couldnt and I can't. I dont think this is finally them getting what they deserve. I don't even care if theyever regretted having hurt me because it doesnt change things, it wont give me anything, it wont take away from me. It will not make things better or time turn back. In fact, it is something I wouldn't want to happen. Having had my heart broken and having been left drifting  and unprotected and forgotten by this prson that I then loved was good for me, in the end.

I am glad I didnt feel happy or self righteous. I don't want to be that kind of person. I guess I am not actually a good person either becaue despite knowing exactly how it feels to have fibro i didnt feel sympathy either (unless sympathy was me thinking "mmh that's bad"). There is someone nowadys which I intensely dislike. I never loved this person but they use these people that I love with all my heart to manipulate others that I love. I've been wishing very bad things to happen to tis person, even this illness but only because I get angry with this person.

Mom often tells me not to wish these things because it wont make a difference in the end and I joke and tell her that it'll give me some satisfaction but  (and this is kind of disappointing) now, I see mom's most likely right. Whatever happens to people that we dislike or even hate won't bring any satisfaction, won't bring any peace, won't make things right or take them back to how they were. It is us, me, who have to overcome the pain and the anger and learn to find a way to keep going and to find hapinness and satisfaction in ourselves, in the lives that we have, in the good things we still have because that is what is good for our minds and souls.

Having fibro makes it so hard to remember that, however, I'm hoping that one day, just like it feels with having my heart broken in such a way is now a blessing in diguise, I can say that I've found a new life, strength though fibro and that I've learned so much and that I've become better and freer because of it. Right now though I'm still in the journey from hatin this illness and even my body for having loset to it to loving this body which is doing its best to survive.

A Decade: Just a Second And an Eternity

I'm not sure when exactly, but I've noticed that some people are either writing or talking about the higlights and downs of their lives in this decade that's coming to an end or they'reposting pictures side by side of them in 2010 and now that we're nearly on 2020. As far as I know, people didnt do this when we went from the 2000's to 2010.

Anyway, I listened to this couple of vloggers (Nekojitavlog) who talked of the best and worst thing of each year in this decade and that made me start thinking about it for my own life. I am tempted to think that in this whole decade there's been nothing but fibromyalgia and all of the words that are now a synonym of it: pain, lost, depression and shame.                                         

But I cant let myself go there, not just there. It is hard though but recently  made this little video where I talked about a little epiphany I had. It was simple but so big and so hard to keep in mind. My big epiphany is that (When you have a chornic -so far- incurable illness) happiness is a choice you have to make every single day. And this choice doesnt mean there wont be sadness and pain. It doesnt mean you're going to ignore the bad thing and smile all the time. It only means that you have to chose to experience all of it, feel the feelings, cry if necessary  crumble and go through the pain and in the pain remember that there's still good in life, that there is love in your days, that though your body might not be working right, or your life might not be what you thought it would be, you're doing your best and you'll keep doing your best and finding peace in the knowledge that you've made it so far...finding peace in accepance and knowing that maybe the next moment you'll go back to anger or denial and that it is ok becuase you're only humanand cant be expected to be always strong, to be perfect. It is simple. it is so very hard.

With this in mind, I went quickly thorugh my phone, thorugh my pictures from 2010 until now (I dont have pictues from 2010 there or anywhere else apparently) and in pictues it's mostly all smiles, but that's ok. I have a tendency to take pictures when I'm not feeling well at all so I remember those days and what was going on even if I am smiling in the pictures. Still, no pictues from 2010 and despite the smiles on most pictuesI couldnt make myself remember good things in those years with a few exceptions. I've pretty much have to force myself to realize that fibromyalgia hasnt always been the biggest thing in my life....

....And then I remembered, 2010 was a big year for me. I graduated from college, got my first full time teacher job, got my first very own house, got my tattoo, got over coming out to myself, my brother and my mom. It makes me smile fondly to remember all of that. I was busy!

I do not know what I was doing in 2011 other than working the whole day as I kept my job from the years before. I was always thinking about how little time I had for things like art and learning. I was worrying over wanting to continue with another degree but not having time for it. I was heartbroken yet again because I knew it was going to be the last time I'd see my friend which at the time was still my crush. I was conflicted about the fact tht though my mom had not reacted badly to my coming out she woldnt want to talk about it and basically made it as if it hadnt happened. I wasnt planning on being with anyone but I felt it was so cruel thaf if I had someone it would've had to be in hiding because with my line of work it would've most lilkely gotten me fired. Among all this worry, I was fully immersed in my ob and though it had been tough at first, I was enjoying it by then and I was feeling so accomplished over the fact that I had my own place. It made me feel safe to have a place to go that was my own.

2012 was the year that everything changed. It feels that this year has been the worst in my entire life. I was never the same after this year. Earlier that I was looking at my pictues from that year I couldnt help to think that those pictures from january and february and all of them up to may are like a countdow to a tragedy. I see myself there, in one graduating from an online course I took the year before and I think, if only i could've known to somehow stop it from happening but that is not possible and it did happen. May 2012 was the month and year of when I stopped walking on my own and my life became pain.
It wasnt all entirely bad, well, it was, I think it's been one of the years in which I've been the most suicidal ever but in the midst of all of this an angel was sent to me: Bita, my niece was born four months after my life got turned upside down and with her I learned you coudl fall in love at first sight and that my heart could expand in a second and that in all that pain and death inmy head I still had a little sunshine when I saw her face

2013
If the year before had been awful , in a way this one was owrst. It was full of hospital visits, doctors poking me and not believing in my word, when I said I couldnt walk, it hurt so much. It was a year for being looked like I was lying and of being told that I was too young to be feeling that way. It was a year of being told that if I had enough faith I'd be well and if I wasnt it was ecause I had done somehitng wrong and didnt have faith. It was the year of going to doctor after doctor and to church after church, none helping at all. It was a tough year at work. It was a year that I had to get accommodations and though people were accommodating at first they soon tired of it. They expected me to get well soon and when I didnt their kindness and patience ran out. It was a year to realize that kids are so much kinder and open minded than any addult out there. It was the year that I got told that if I didnt get back my health my contract wouldnt be renewed for the next year. It was also the year I stopped watching TV and reading physical books as well as using glassess full time. The pain in my eyes incredibly bad. I think the only good thing to come from this year was that my mom started to talk about lgbt things and about my not being straight and because of my illness she somehow accepted it, thinking it could somehow help me get better. Another good thing was that my best friends stuck to me. It was tough as I was sad all the time and coldnt talk as much but I'm so glad they were there, I'm especially thankful for Saku.

2014... sadness, no job, lost my house as I couldnt work anymore and therefore was unable to pay for it. i lost my insurance so no more doctors for a while.I believe that this was when I started going to my current doctor (a regular MD but that practices 'alternative medicine' too) the only one that has been able to help some. This year I think, i learned the pain in my eyes, the dyness and all the symptomps were fibro related. I think the one good thing of this year was that I started to draw and paint again.

2015 Another angel in my life, my nephew and though I wasnt too close to him since his family lived far, it made me so happy to meet him for the first time and everytime he came to visit was so nice. I think it was this year in which I had to stop actually writing, handwriting was just not possible anymore for me. Only a few words caused me excruciating pain. It was touh because it felt like I could do less and less with every passing year and the pain was as bad as ever. I had to take out my old typewriter and content myself with what little I could do. (i as not ever content, even less happy)

2016-2017 i know I went to some places and did a few things but life felt stagnant and I felt trapped. AS a way to let out a little of this, I started my youtube channel where I talked a little about what it was like living with fibro.

2018 The biggest thing, even though at the time it made no difference, was that I started to see a therapist: Xenia. I posted a picture of me in crutches and in a wheelchair for the first time and though it was nervewracking I was no longer (so) ashamed of needing them. The suicidal thoughts were a little less thanin all of the privous years. I realized that even before getting sick I wasnt happy and in fact, I had been pretty miserable inside even if I had been ok outwardly and apparently successful.

2019 One of the worst things this year was that my other leg, the one that wasnt as bad became the worst of the two. So in a way it was another lost, something else that the fibro took away from me. This year, like last year it's been mostly about working in my mind, on trying to be well emotionally and though it's been really tough because ife and fibro seem to test me at every turn, I think I've given big steps in the journey to acceptance. I realized a couple of month ago that I had started planning thing again, wanting things again. Not big things, not big plans but I was tentatively excited about designing a new item of cloth and the challenge of making it, I was a little excited about painitg a new piece. I've had some of those little big epiphanies like the one I mentioned at the start and it's been the year in which I sometimes, often times dont hate my legs, dont hate my body. I've even thought things like 'nah, it's my body, it's doing the best it can' which I never thought I'd think. Something big has been that I barely think about dying or commiting suciide anymore despite the pain which has been really bad sometimes. I do not know if it is my perception and my mind getting stronger somehw or my body getting used to it but somehow the pain sometimes feel less than in previous years. One huge thing is that I got my onw wheelchair, one that I wanted and that I use because I thinkk it helps me to get around places I didnt visit anymore because I couldnt walk and I'm not ashamed of being in it (that last part is the big thing) .
Today, the last day of the year, I found myself thinking about the next thing I'll do, I was making a plan. I hope I can accomplish it during the next year.

So, this is me for 2020: I'm still sick, I'm still in pain. I dont know what I'll do to make things right and back on track. I'm still depressed sometiems but for the first time in years I think i experience moments of happiness and peace too.

To end this very long post, I want to thank all those people that have been by my side during this most difficult decade of my life: first of all my mom, Jo, dad, Saku, Cecy, Nury, grandma, my niece and nephew, all my pets. I know I woudln't be here wihout your love and support, your patience and the strenght you all gave me when I had none. Here's to having you all another decade and more.

Lemonade

There are times in which life pulls the carpet from under your feet right when you were running faster, feeling yourself closer to the goal, yet life makes you fall and you break your legs, your teeth and scratch your hands and knees.... Maybe it even pulled the carpet so hard that it threw you so far from your way in a path you don't know, into what feels to be the valley of shadows and you are lost and alone and broken... Your will is broken, your confident is broken....

That is where I am... Trying to get up and back on my broken feet... On my broken confidence; scared of what might happen... Scared of more pain but it feels like just as I might end up with more pain and darkness I might get better, make lemonade, even.

Envy

I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was telling me about how her life's been going. She's doing pretty good. She just came back from a business trip. I had seen her pictures in one of so many social media sites. She's starting ESL classes this week, she's getting ready for a promotion at her job, she's gotten a boyfriend who apparently is a complete gentleman and also comes from a good family, she's planning a date with him this weekend to celebrate his graduation from university... She sounds so happy and I'm so happy for her and proud of her. She's a great friend and an amazing, smart person...

But...

It makes me a little sad, it's like she pointed out with her happiness and success that my life is still and that I have nothing going on anymore. I can totally do without the guy and it's not that I want what she has or that I wanna do what she's doing but I want to be doing my own things, to be moving forward.

I think if we had yearbooks n stuff like that, everybody would've said I was the most likely to success; even I believed it and I felt successful, getting a good job even before graduating... On the verge to move to my very own place, not having time for those French and Japanese lessons that I've always wanted, helping my family...feeling like I was making a positive influence in kids' lives... It was so good that it pretty much over shadowed my darkness, my sadness, my pain. I didn't mind it.

And...

I lost it, lost all that in the space of a step and the next. All I have now is darkness, sadness and pain. And I don't want to see or be seen by anybody and I don't dream and I don't wish and I don't plan for the future anymore and all I want is the end. My life is winter, all rain and dark sky.

Still...

I'm glad that my friend is doing well and I wish her the best, she's worked so hard for it. Even though it points out, in my mind, that I'm dead even if I live, it feels a little like it's my success, my happiness. Who wouldn't feel grateful when the ones they love are happy?

Goodbye

I'm sorry mom. I just can't keep going. I don't want this life anymore. I'm sad all the time, wishing it was the end that never comes, I finally have the courage to bring it to me. You're sad and maybe I broke you with this. I didn't mean to hurt you though I know I've done just that. Please don't blame this on you. You are perfect, the best mother and teacher that anybody could wish for. It's just me. Please carry on, my bro needs you and my niece as well and you just light the world so don't let me bring you down. I'm sure I'll finally be happy where I'm going. Mom you are my all, my anchor, my life, my very best friend. I always valued the connection and closeness we had. I could tell you so much but I know I don't need to, you know I love you as much as you love me. Mom, you have no idea how hard you make this, have done it many times over. If I've stayed around it's been for you, your help and constant love and it's not that now it's less or less important for me, it's just that I'm very tired, so tired and I have been for a long time, you know that right? It's not your fault, my beautiful. Nothing was your fault. Too bad I won't know who my niece became. I know she'll be great though. Tell her that I loved her deeply. My baby bro will be mad at me, I know, I'd be too if it was the other way around, you're my soul Jo, I love you always. I always admired you, your faith and strength, your pure heart despite your wild nature. I'm so proud of you bc you prove everybody wrong, you became a great man and a great dad. Keep on being amazing. Thank you for all the great memories, you truly are my best friend. I wanna tell you so much and over and over that I love you. I'll miss your hugs so much and your jokes and how awesome you are. Don't let me bring you down, you're infinite times better than what I'll ever be. I felt loved, dad, your love for me since before I even existed was a protecting wall that I had. Thank you. You're my dad and no matter what I'll always love you. Memories of us together are very important for me. If not for you I wouldn't have the values I had, maybe I wouldn't have been a feminist, one that believed in equality and in being independent, you taught me that it didn't matter if I wanted things different or if I was different, that was even better. I know you were always proud of me, I was always proud of your success too, you're one of the smartest men I've ever met. Thank you so much for teaching me about god and faith and heaven, it's the best gift you could have given me. My family, my all. Outside you, nothing existed. I love you. If after my selfish actions I can ask you a favor it'll be to let know my friends that they were important, stars in a dark sky, even if I never said it but I felt loved by them as well. They taught me so many things. Bes, my very first friend, Xiomi always very patient, Cecy my bff, one that knew me well, I admire her faith, she's so smart. I only had one new friend in college and she totally won my heart, I wish her happiness. These women are so amazing, strong and independent, the best. I'll never forget them. I think in rl I sort of only have one guy friend, the most positive of ppl always trying to make me laugh, I thank him for always remembering my bday even if I forgot his. There are a couple of friends that I've never met in person but that feel as close, I cherish and appreciate them a lot. Saku with her great heart and patience. I'm always making her mad but she's so cool that always let's go of that, it was always so easy to talk to her and wow it was so great to share our writings, I probably never said it but her comments on my stuff made me feel anxious and giddy, her opinion was important for me. I'd never know how to thank her for being my sole companion in the times I felt alone and broken. There is one boy, years younger than me but wow he's admirable, so strong and focused. I know he'll do the great things he plans. I couldn't be more proud of him. I never met Matty in real life but I think we both wished it. I need to thank him for giving me the strength to finally accept all of me, to stop ignoring and hiding sides of me and though I'm always quiet about everything that has to do with myself, those who matter know me and that was something Matty helped me with. If he was such a great kid, I know he'll be a great man. This is a goodbye but it only makes it all harder by reminding me of the moments of light in the darkness, by reminding me of the people I love, my angels. If only I could make it better, I'm sorry to disappoint you all. I know most of you will think so much less of me, think of me as a coward and selfish person. It's alright, I won't contradict you. I'm tired, so tired. All I want to do is sleep forever. All of you are so amazing. Thank you for seeing me. Until we meet again, my lovelies and friends.

******

btw,I havent done anything...still around and all, writing this letter only had the effect of snapping out of the crisis I was in... not that things are perfect now but I´ll still b around for now

Thinking

My dear friend, Saku:

You see so many flaws in yourself. You are so not a waste of time. Such a beautiful heart shouldn´t be tossed aside as if it was nothing but air.

What I find most interesting is that what you see as your flaws –and I might be wrong but it seem that those are not your thoughts but what the world full of insensitive people has been shouting and whispering at you in every step of the way and so the echo of their stupidity is now crashing inside the walls of your soul… but I´m going far from my original thought, so again, what you seem to think your flaws are make such a great person and I´d never call those a flaw but completely the opposite.

Kindhearted and caring, I always say it –and I guess I´ll keep saying it, sorry but you know I´m a stubborn person- I wish there would be more people like you, there´s too much selfishness… It is so refreshing to find someone so selfless. There´s too much talking. Everyone speaks louder trying to be heard above the many other screaming voices and there surrounded by a forest of mouths there´s someone who´s willing to listen and listen and listen…

It is so sad that because of that, the world has kept you captive inside your own mind…and have made you forgot how to talk and has made you forget how your thoughts do matter, how what you have to say should be heard as well…

I want to close my mouth and open my ears, but before closing my mouth, I want to say again how important what you have to say is… even if it´s little… after all little things made big things.

***

These were just some of the thoughts I had last night... because I´m bad at spontaneously speaking, I wrote it down.

Naked

I felt naked, very early in the morning and in a cold morning... I was wearing all my clothes, even a scarf and a thick sweater, a black one and loose one, yet I was naked and sort of without my will.
How is it that someone can fell naked while being fully clothed? very easy, feeling exposed and being exposed to someone you don't really know and if you, my exposer, are reading this, well, hello but yeah you made me feel naked.

At the beginning of January, we had to take this personality test of sorts, it was just a true or false one... I event rant a little about it...it´s me after all, anyways, back to the topic at hand, today I was given the results back. It´s me so I was a little skeptic about it, despite liking psychology a lot, I started to listen to the psychologist and well, she was trying to be kind, I could see it and I was like, right, I appreciate your kindness but...

As she was speaking... my heart started to beat faster, specially when she got the affective side of it. Those almost two hundred questions exposed me completely to her and it takes me years to open up to people, of course with one exception and just because this person was many times more effective than a test and years of psychology, and out of nowhere this person whose loyalty is and must be to the school knows those things that others never see. I must study psychology....

She was right in everything and though she tried to use the least strong words for my personality, she still had to use words like "severe" and something that only makes me think of the word uptight and some other that screamed "emotionally distant" and  I just had to talk and tell her I´ve always felt love, I don´t like that my parents get the blame for my emotionally distant self, because they love me with all their heart, even my father who´s gone... oh well...

She talked about my emotionally distant self being a possible hinder in any romantic relationship, she said that that distance and that I didn´t need to have shows of affection was what the significant other would like of me but that then this very same thing was going to be a problem because of how hard is it to me to open up and show affection... sigh... that was... She mentioned a "man" and "marriage" and automatically I wrinkled my nose and she scribbled something on her file of me.

She told me she knew that I was pretty intelectual and that I like to read -every body knows I love reading- but the other... that´s the disadvantage of me having her as my classmate in one class back in college, she told me that I got deep into the characters of the books/stories that I read, but, she said "when are you going to be Mezt?" and that hit me hard. I know I scape to my favorite characters... but, I´m me in here so I told her about my blog, she asked me what my stories were about... I said it depends, she asked me for the address of my blog and she wanted me to write it on my own file of the school and I felt my face blush but I had to say something but I couldn´t completely denied her the address but I don´t want my work-self to get mixed with myself and specially not with Meztli -which ironically was something she said about my personality, she said I liked to separate myself in areas or something like that- so I told her, if it´s for the school then no, I can´t give it to you, I don´t like my life of work to get mixed with my life out of work and she scribbled something again... I sort of didn´t want to give her the address because I don´t know her and she knows me but I did, mom has told me to take a few risks in showing myself to others...

so here I am making a post while at work because all that information is to much to digest for me, but mostly about the blog thing... I wonder if she´ll read it and I wonder if she'll go and give it to my boss, I certainly don´t want that, not because I don´t like my boss, no, she´s pretty nice and a good boss but again, I don´t want my personal life, my writing life, and my most true self to get mixed with my job -despite me being my true self at work as well, but I just hate feeling naked and exposed like that... it leads -most of the time- to pain

I wonder...

"And my name's Saul. Saul Aiken. If anyone's really interested in who I am. But people aren't. They don't see me anymore. They see this wheelchair. Which I am slowly getting used to. Doesn't mean I like it, but…what can I do? I can't pretend I'm not this way. And I have to get used to it. Because it's most definitely permanent."

I´m wondering if this person has experienced this or if it´s just everywriter´s gift to have such a huge imagination to be able to get into the mood of things sometimes they haven´t even lived...

Neutrality

This is an essay made by a friend of mine. It´s for a class he has and is based in some sort of handouts. I think it´s pretty interesting, mainly because I had never really thought of this until last night that I read this and it made me think of a few things. Mainly on how sometimes we all just stay quiet to not  get in trouble or to not support one or the other but... is that the best? I´ve been thinking of a few situations in which maybe it´s not so good to just stay quiet.

What´s interesting, as well, is that the author of this essay says he doesn´t completely agree with what´s in it and I find that, in a way, to be a good thing because the examples are pretty powerful and convincing, so I think he did pretty good.

It was thought provocking, so I´m posting it. -also because I can, ha!

**

Neutrality by Matt D.

Neutrality, the basis of being neutral towards conflict or decision. What is neutrality and what does it mean to you? When we compare neutrality to equality, both terms seem to collide with one another. You cant be neutral and also solidify equality because it would mean “ignoring personal context” of each individual which defeats the purpose of equality. In order for neutrality to be seen as a positive than a negative, the decision will have to justify the ending result.

Leaders who have power, often hinder the public’s decision by manipulating them with lies. There capable of anticipating what people want to hear and deliver the message in a way that it makes sense to the common citizen. Society is “dominated by their immediate desires” often too ignorant to look beyond the obvious truth. Those who comprehend what's happening are purposely keeping quiet. To them, neutrality is a motto, but fail to see that “..neutrality is nothing more than official indifference. Indifference always benefits the aggressor, never the victim.”

When Hitler came to power, he spread antisemitism all across Germany, in means to genocide the Jewish population, along with a few other minority groups. Switzerland vigorously enriched their pockets with money, using the simple term “Neutrality” as their excuse to blockade Jewish from shelter and reinforcing Hitlers troops. Spain, Brazil, Turkey, Portugal and a few other countries used the same excuse, allowing the cremation, torture and dehumanization of millions of people.

In the book “Night By Elie Wiesel” the author describes the amusement of the common Germans when they throw pieces of bread into the wagon there traveling on as the devastated Jews would brawl to the death for a piece of bread. All turned a blind eye on the perversion of the Nazi party. Engulfed by the lies fed to them by Hitler, Germans view Jewish as filth, some of them stand up for the Jews but met their graves sooner than planned. Neutrality and submission became a must in order to survive during World war II. In conclusion, neutrality is driven by fear, when people are capable to stay neutral to abhorrent man made calamities, neutrality becomes nothing but a cowardly decision.

Suicide Room

I just watched this movie. I wonder if it´s popular, I guess it must be, the trailer has scenes of kisses between two girls and another between two boys and there are so many videos with that part only. The tittle says a lot, but I thought Dominik, the main character, and Aleks, the guy that he kissed on a bet, were going to be bullied together or something like that but I was wrong, ironically it all was about Dominik.

It was ironic because he was pretty much invisible there, always, even in the bet, he was just put there to be the one kissed by the other guy. He was so alone, with workaholic parents that even when they saw things were going bad for him they refused to see there was a problem there that needed to be addressed, they care about their meetings and reputation...

I think the internet played a huge role in the movie too... I think many people have gone addict to the internet -I know I've spent a lot of time on line- and the down side of the internet is that as it can be in a way comforting -you can say what you want without being judged because no one knows you and you don´t care what they say- it can be very destructive, that happened to this guy, in one video he was "hot" in the next he was the one to laugh at, but it can be good too, it connects people in some way at least -which it did for this kid too- ofc that this "connections" can consume people as well. I never thought it was possible to make friendship or any kind of bond through the internet to someone you have never met or even see and I guess for someone who hasn´t lived it that part of the movie would seem stupid... I think like everything, balance is the key.

I got a headache due to the movie, but by no means that means that the movie is bad but I didn´t enjoy it either, it was too intense, how the girl Dominik met online wanted to kill herself and how he became tangled in her ways, she wanted to die so bad and he tried to convince her to stay but she couldn´t find meaning I guess, even with how they seem to get along. He didn´t want to die, he said that you should give all that you can give to your loved ones but I guess, in the end everything else became too overwhelming, his depression made him forget what he felt, what was real and what was not... a very sad thing is that his parents never saw him, even with all that, they just wanted him to go according to schedules and according to plans.

There were many comments about the movie, many said that this person was a coward or just plain stupid for commiting suicide for a kiss but I feel compasion for this person, that is fictional but I´m sure there are so many out there, feeling lonely and invisible and maybe even depressed. "I want to hug you" said the girl Dominik met online, it only made me think of all the times I´ve "hugged" and been "hugged" on line, at the beginning it was so weird, the it was just an expression and now, sometimes, it´s like it is real, the thought is...

so...

if there are any Dominiks out there that happen to read this, I want to hug you no matter if you think life is a gift or if like is shit. One day at a time as some other fictional Dominic said.

Fairy tales

Have you ever heard of a prince locked in a tower waiting to be saved?
Have you ever imagined a king needing a queen to be king?
Does it matter if the prince is not beautiful, delicate, virtous? or if he knows how to keep a house?
Does it matter when the king takes another wife? why does the queen never gets another husband chosen just because he´s handsome even though at the end a sorcerer?

Boys

Boys: they come in every size and color, it is said that they´re usually stronger than girls, taller as well. Grandma says that they are all the same. Mom as been saying so, as well, for a while now. I´ve heard they are driven by getting something, like a runner wanting to get to the finish line. Only that matters, the outcome and then they go and find for something else to get. I wonder...

I don´t know many people, let alone boys. There´s one very important for me and that is my brother who´s always given insight in guy´s perspective of life, I must say I don´t share many of their opinions. Then, there´s my father, someone I admired for a long while and then broke me to pieces. We ended up in good terms though. He´s the reason why mom says they are all the same. Then there are the rest of the ones I´ve met, so far they´ve been the same.

And this is how it goes: at the begining they´re all nice and friendly. Conversation gets interesting. They start to praise me. Some time goes by between conversations and me thinking I´m getting to know someone that posibly wants to be my friend. I get more praises.... then, what always happens, they say they like me. And for a while I might be suspecting that such thing is going to be said but I want to think it won´t, but they do it and I hate it, because all those who have said it haven´t gotten to know me for real, because all those who have said it seem too eager to say that without really being close to me, without me having shown any interest of that kind. Why do they confuse my kindness and education?

This is how it follows: I´ll usually ask "how do you say that if you don´t know me that well?" and they try to convince me they do no matter what. They keep saying it. I ask them not to, some might even want to persuade me that it is real, but it always ends up like this: I say I don´t like them back, that I want only a friend and I don´t hear from them ever again.

It seems grandma is right. I just went throught that. This one was even mad, so I have had the ones that keep insisting, the ones that say get depressed and then appologize but keep with the same thing and now the ones that get mad. Are guys just driven by their primitive impulses and not their rational minds? The worst part is that some of them have just known me through the internet!!!

Afraid

This song reminded me that I sort of wanted to write about what I´m about to write:

-Flashback-

"agh! this girl really annoys me!"

"why?"

"She´s always writing things like 'aw, thank you -name of her bf-for an amazing day/time. I love u' and stuff like that. It´s like eating a whole cotton candy, that sticky overly sweet taste in you mouth, that´s what I feel when I see those things she writes - I got a look from my mother- I know it´s stupid and  I shouldn´t care because it has nothing to do with me but it bothers me"

"why?"

"it´s stupid, just a bunch of hormones messing with people´s brains, it fades -I got another look from mom- ok, I´m not saying it doesn´t feel real, I´m just saying it´s chemicals"

"but it´s nice, when you feel like that, it´s great" she said smiling

"I guess but it always ends"

"not always"

"yes, it always ends, experience shows me that" I said and she slightly looked away, she thought I was making a reference to her and father´s divorce "statistics show it" I said to prove my point. She stayed quiet for a minute

"It will eventually happen to you"

"well, I´m not saying I don´t want to feel like that of course, I´m not saying I want to either, it´s just that it´s too complicating, and it always ends, that´s the down side of it and I don´t want it"

"you are too afraid of pain"

-----

I am afraid of pain and I think in a way it only leads to more pain...

bad person

I wish they all died! A lot of the times that I come from work I feel down. My second job is in one of the places where the wealthiest people live, they have it all, they waste it all, they spend money in the same amount that I lack of it.

Their cars are the latest models, the most expensive ones. Mine is really old, it looks old and ugly. The people that live there look at it with bad eyes, last time some old ladies even called the police to report me and my ugly car, I got kicked out of the park there.

Today I went to the gas station there, I never use the self-service thing because I don´t like touching the hose. I waited. I felt I was being watched, I turned, it was this person that knew me, an expelled student from the school I work, he waved, I nodded.

I always secretly dislike him somehow. He drove a BMW, he had lots of money and he lives there at that place where the rich people live. He did awful at school, he thought he could buy everyone, he thought that because he had money he was handsome and therefore even I was going to like him. I secretly hated him. He had all that money. Yes, I´m a bad person... I don´t care.

At the gas station, today, the guy helping customers came and me, being the first to get there, get no attention, instead that guy, the BMW guy got the attention even if he was in the self-service line. I started to get mad. I waited. The seller walked my way, I thought he was going to sell me the gallon of gas that I was going to buy -I really can´t afford more than that- but no, he went just to get something more for the BMW guy and said, "wait just a second" to me. I waited. He came back but again just to get something for that guy. I got mad. He was getting the attention and not me, even if I had gotten there first... and just because I drive an old, ugly car. I´m better than that BMW guy, and I might be a bad person for saying that, but I don´t care, I´m smarter than him, I know that guy´s IQ because he was at my school, he has not the appropriate one, I´m better than him, I´m smarter, I kinder, I don´t pretend I can buy people, I don´t think people are less than me and I might be bad for hating him and saying to the internet some part of his information but I don´t care, it´s not fair that people like that get the best just because they have money, only that money and people like me have to struggle through life even though we have good and even better characteristics but not money.

I wish they all died, that BMW guy, the old hags that called the police on me and made me get kicked out of that stupid park, the people that drives those fancy cars and exploits people, the people that steals money and get rich like that. I wish they all die! though it could be better if it was me, after all it only bothers me and if it was me I´d be free of all those ties that I can not control, like money, I don´t have and maybe I won´t have and it´s not like I want to have money and then become like them, no I just want to not have to worry or stop getting things just because I don´t have.

Even so, I´m 100% sure that I wouldn´t like to change my brain for the money of that guy, never. I rather be smart than stupid even if I don´t have money. I will live every second w/my brains but he might lose his money because of his stupidity. I still hate him though and probably it´s not him that I hate, it´s just that he´s like an image to hate since he represents all those that have a lot in their pockets and nothing in their heads but still step on us, the ones with nothing in our pockets, every single miserable day.

Clases

No me quieren cerca. Soy solo alguien a quien sacar, a quien temer, por nada más que por haber nacido sin riqueza. 

Porque mi auto no se llama como la primera letra del alfabeto griego combinado con el nombre del amor de Julieta por eso hacen venir a aquellos que aun estan en menor condición que yo para hacerme ir.

Oprimidos, meras herramientas de aquellos que a todos nos aplastan, ellos siendo pocos, solo por tener cifras de muchos ceros en el banco. 

Ninguno de mis méritos ha sido estimado, no, simplemente por el hecho de no usar ropas de marcas, autos con modelos del año, o una cuenta bancaria, eso ha sido el detonante para que sea expulsada de un lugar que en primer lugar es público. Un parque del cual fui sacada simplemente por la chatarra que conduzco, porque no tengo dinero porque los habitantes de alrededor creen que la pobreza se contagia. 

Que ironía y que injusticia. Ellos, los ricos tienen miedo de que les robe cuando ellos han venido robando al pueblo desde generaciones, roban nuestra paz, nuestra seguridad, nos dejan solo el sudor.

Los odio! Jamás había sentido ese sentimiento y ahora me han manchado. Los odio y deseé en ese momento encender el parque hasta que todo fuera cenizas... a pesar de que los pobres arboles no tienen culpa alguna.

Los maldije y deseé para ellos lo que yo tengo, lo que les hizo sacarme y más. Oré a mi Dios para que se vengara por mi... espero que el dios de ellos no le gane  al mio.

Los maldigo, una y otra vez por la humillación que sin causa me han hecho. Conciencia de clase, jamás la había sentido tan propia.

Valentine's Day

These chocolates seem nice but I must say I don´t like chocolate

I´ve drawn and cut papers in heart shape today for the whole life. I had to decorate for valentine´s and I´ve never cut or drawn heart shapes or even mind about it.
Back in highschool me and my bff at that stage of my life used to say that we were going to get a guy to give us presents for that day and then dump him right after... yeah, heartless but it was only because we liked to mock of the crazy romanticism of that day.

I´ve never had a "valentine" and I´ve been ok with that.

My brother´s just come today with a shell, the box of his wedding rings is a shell shaped box. It´s such a beautiful velvet box. The rings were beautiful and what he engraved in them is beautiful as well. In a while he´ll be going to his fiancé house with serenade for her to celebrate this valentines...that´s so close to their wedding day. It´s so hectic for him but he seems so excited, happy and looking forward to please his soon to be wife.

I´ve never had a "valentine" and I´ve just started to think about that.

I read a card my other bff once made for me to celebrate our friendship -we were still highschoolers- and I decided to e-mail my friend to express how much our friendship means to me. It seems that as we grow older, we loose that innocence in which friendship is crucial. Gladly she answered me back. Non of my other friends made any mention to this day. I don´t mind really but it makes me wonder when did we loose that innocence in which we celebrated those little things that are so big, one of them being friendship.

I´ve never had a "valentine" and I´ve been wondering what´s it like

Everyday friendship and love should be celebrated. Everybody says that. No body remembers. But what happens when those invisible things are not even celebrated on the day that every business and company advertises products for people to consume? Is it just business?

I´ve never had a "valentine" and I´ve never really thought about it.

I saw a boy today, he was carrying two pink roses. It was very early in the morning. I asked him who were the roses for... A couple of hours later I saw him comming back with the flowers, almost running to go and hide them. The girl hadn´t accepted them.

I´ve never had a "valentine" and somehow I was glad about it.

My mind has drifted for little bits. It´s gone away to dream, to fantasize about today about that martir who died close to this date for whom today´s called valentine´s day. I wonder why, though. Maybe the mass media has gotten to me, after all I´ve been shoot by their advertisements for years.

I´ve never had a "valentine" and as one of my dear friends said to me once: happy chocolates and spending-money-on-some-gift day.

****
PD: This is my 300th post! yay! but not techinically since it´s my 300th post if I count the drafts which are 50 so far, all of those belong to one label but I´m not really to publish them just yet but I´ve been thinking on making some special post for the official -meaning published- post. -or maybe not- idk haha
PD2: -if that exists- I really liked this poem, it´s very irreverent but nice, it kinda inspired me for this post so I must include it here too 

wisdom or silly words?

I really want to write about this I want to do it as fast as I can though, it´s already late and I have an early day tomorrow. Im tired and my job for today is not done yet.

Mom said something pretty interesting today while seeing a movie about Marie Antoinette "life is recicled" she meant that it seems that no matter how much humanity advances the flaws, failures and bad traits are still the same: hate, narrow-mind, injustice... no body cares about no body. It´s all the same, and the worst part is that when revolution comes, when great efforts and lost lives happen to make things better, the victims become the villains. Why does that happen, I wonder...

Now, the other thing I really want to write about is part of the after-movie conversation I had with mom... making it short, I told her I hate Job´s story -yeah, Job from the bible, to be honest, the bibble, God and faith are a big part of our lives- when she asked why I said that I told her that God is a kind of a bloodthirsty Good since everywhere on the bibble you can find him killing someone, killing as punishment, allowing deaths, even after Jesus, when the first Christians appear he was like that but somehow he always had mercy, he always saved some, he took it back afterwards -like in the flood- but with Job it was a whole different thing, in the other stories, the humans had sinned or being bad or similar but Job, he was "perfect" or so my bible says yet he felt the need to let the devil destroy him without really destroying him since he didnt let him kill the man, just to play -n in the worst way- with him, just to make a point. Somehow I feel like Job sometimes and though I know Im far from being perfect I try my best to be a good person but lately it seems that the weight of the world is over my shoulders and it keeps getting heavy. It seems that this time is not like before that the bad moments came for us as a family, as a whole, no, now it´s specially n custom made for me and that´s another level of pain, I mean when it was for all of us, it was like I had someone to lean on but now, Im all alone and that makes it harder...

so, just as a conclusion I guess, life is static even though it´s constantly changing and, as I grow old and meet more people, the lonelier I am. Things get harder.

in the morning

A beautiful landscape. At first it gives me the impression that it´s the sun rising but then, maybe it´s the sun setting and there lies the beauty of this picture -in my opinion, of course- the sun might be rising or setting, depends on what you see...

I owe this beautiful picture to my friend Cecy, esta genial, C! I guess I like to collect beautiful/thought-provocking stuff and this is one of those things.