Farewell

Today`s the last time ever...
how sad...
Say goodbye,
say farewell as freshly and warmly as you said welcome.
Show me your smile to take that pretty image in my mind.
A smile and maybe a quick embrace to take them as tokens
carved in my heart.

I don`t want to say goodbye,
my mouth can`t say those words, not to you;
however, my innerself is already sweeping your scent
and your voice out of my heart
that`s why I need to have at least a happy memory of you.

Today`s the last time you`ll ever see me
so say goodbye please, `cause I miss you already...

You dont notice, right?
the depth of my words,
the cry of my silences..
you didnt notice and I let you stay blind like that.

In my own way, little by little I`ve been saying goodbye...
with one hand I`m waving goodbye and with the other
I`m holding your hand so hard
that my fingers are marked on your skin by now,
you dont notice that either, do you?

The last time ever...
and it doesnt give me the sense of completion,
it doesnt feel like closure...

Simetry... you know how I like those tiny silly things...
thank you for offering me your hand,
it was nice that you never stopped being you around me
even when I was other sometimes,
even when I was just... air... or pain.

Say goodbye, please, tell me goodbye
and give me a smile as a gift,
I`ll give you my best one too...
after all, they`re always only for you.

storm

Look what you`ve done to me,

even the sky seems to cry for me.

The storm that`s falling

is just a reflex of what`s going on in my soul.

a la orden

x Dios, las lagrimas estan a la orden del dia ultimamente... ya ni escribir las hace desaparecer....  Aunque el dia sea promedio, bueno no es suficiente, hay una sensacion de pesar todo el tiempo, mi vida se ha vuelto de plomo, gris y sin pulir....

Ha sido, dije, como si me hubiera en un punto quedado en pie, estatica y luego todo empezo a moverse, el escenario en el que estaba cambio mil y una vez y ahora estoy aqui y no se ni como ni cuando llegué aqui... Ya no sè ni como me siento, Dios!! ayuda!!

x cierto hoy cumple años KK, Feliz cumple a ti -no es q lo vaya a ver nunca pero he tenido la intencion asi q...- ah si feliz cumple pal tienito tuyo tambien hahahahaha

Fallen angel

Chapter 31 ***Goodbye***

A week passed. I couldn’t find the strengh to do what I had to and everytime I remembered it I cried and Ayon and Criss freaked out both trying to make me feel better.
In that week I learned to talk to Ayon using thoughts but withouth the need of having his head over mine. It was actually the string of energy that I had seen on the day Passio came. I also used it as hands but it only seemed to work with him. I tried to use it with Criss but he only seemed scared of the feeling, though he never knew what it had been.
It was a rainy afternoon. The house was empty but for me, Ayon and a nurse downstairs. Ayon said she was having a sound sleep.

“Criss likes you” Ayon suddenly said, still playing with my hair. I said nothing “do you like him too?”
“he´s ok” I said. He smiled. Sending thoughts and images to eachothers heads were now like talking for us.
“you don’t like him, then?”
“he´s my co-worker, the one in charge of my company and for what I see of everything I own. He´s fine”
“how come I don’t seem to get affected, injured, by your energy, Eimi?”
“you know better of this things”
“the other spirits, they only touched you and you…”
“you know I dislike to be touched by strangers”
“is Criss a stranger? Are your employees strangers? Or the people that see you in regular bases?”
“no friends only acquaintances”
“even Criss?”
“a different kind of friend”
There was silence for a moment.
“Eimi, do you love me?” he said reaching out to touch my face.

My heart skipt a beat and I wished I could move so I could go and not let him see my face. My thoughts threatened with scaping from my head. So this was it. I couldn’t tell him yes because he was going to stay out of pity and he was going to feel guilty and force himself to correspond me. Passio had said it ´if you make him love you´. I tried to denied it and then I tried sending as much energy as I could to him so that I could fulfill my wish of returning him to his home. This was it. I had to transform him. I had to send him back. Send him back, send him away.

No! was the word that sounded like echo in my insights. I couldn’t because I was going to be left alone and that moment of doubt was enough to hurt him. When I realize that, he was flying through the room. He went to crash with the wall and fall, all wounded. I had failed. I only caused him pain and I realized I was not capable of letting him go. He kept saying “I´m fine”
“forgive me!” I said
“it´s my fault, don’t worry” I guess he said so because of what he had asked me and because he touched me while my eyes were close… this scene was repeated many times along the next days, except the part where he asked me if I loved him. I wish I could let him go, but no, I´m so selfish. All I want is to have him here with me.

“Eimi, are you ok?” pain in his voice. I opened my eyes to see how like a bubble I had wrapped him in energy only that I made cuts to his skin and then healed them almost instantaneously. I screamed in my head and by doing so I heard him scream too. It was me that was hurting him. Eimi, stop, I commanded myself. This was harder than I had thought but I had to do the right thing. I had wished for him to go back to be an angel, for him only joy and happiness but why was I so weak? why was I so selfish? didnt I claimed to love him?

My love, I knew then, had to be bigger than my selfishness. Only love was going to allow me to let him go, because it was the right thing to do... because it didnt matter if I was left alone again I had have him for a moment at least.
“i´ll take you outside” I heard him say. My eyes were close “being here seems to make you feel bad” he carried me.

This was the one that I love, so beautiful, so passionate, my angel. If he was gone it was ok, my love was going to go with him even if he didn’t know but maybe that was not what I wanted. I wanted him to know those feelings. Even as a goodbye I need to let him know, I need to say it and then I´ll let him go with all my love in him. A couple of moth had to pass for me to get to that resolution.

"Eimi, do you love me?" I let him see my memory of him asking me the question that had made him suffer so much pain afterwards. He was startled by me showing him that particular memory.
“I do love you, my angel” and it was my voice the one who spoke. So my paralysis was like a safety mechanism to make me do what I had to do. Maybe it was not Passio who put it but my own heart.
“Eimi!” he said happy. His pretty smile and blushed cheecks made me strong. I felt how my energy was flowing to him, like when he met me, he was taking it eagerly. I could feel his energy coming to me too. It was like a warm, tender hug but a million times enhanced.

beauty

It`s been 3 days since I have this idea inside my head, it`s a two word idea "rare beauty" -called it a rare beauty, someone said to me, the moment I heard those words I liked them for some reason they  had some sort of a meaning to me; however, as sometimes it happens to me when it comes to that particular person who said those words, I seem unable to say -write in this case- the ideas in my head, but they`re there, prompting, nagging to get out.... I`m not sure of this but I`ll just write whatever comes first, maybe that way I can create some "rare beauty" or maybe just rare hahahaha

rare beauty

light and shadows

butterfly wings

rare beauty

tall walls

pretty eyes watching from them

harsh guards guarding its gates

rare beauty

one of a kind

so hard to find

yet founded completely unintentionally

a rare beauty

nothing else to say

since words can never be enough

to show how rare it is, how beautiful it is...

rare

beautiful

uncommon combination

maybe, the best of all

all right, that`s it, I`m not sure about it, it sounds mmmm rare I guess hahaha but maybe that`s good -or not (?)- anyway, I had to make it into words before I went crazy hahahahaha -more?- ¬¬

raro sueño

no me acuerdo si fue anoche o la noche anterior a anoche -hehehe q feo suena eso- como sea, tuve un sueño un tanto extraño y nada relacionado a nada d lo q me haya pasado recientemente o talvez si... veamos el sueño iba mas o menos asi:

    mi mamà, mi hermano y yo ibamos a salir a algun lado. como siempre yo no queria salir, pero igual me llevaban. Por alguna extraña razon justo al salir a la calle ppal, me fije que no ibamos en el carro sino en una moto, si una moto, los tres!! pero era una moto bonita, roja, como una de las nuevas harley davidson que han salido (eso quiza si tiene sentido xq el otro dia cuando iba conduciendo para la u vi una d esas y wow, q preciosa moto!!) como sea, llegamo a la gasolinera a poner  gasolina -obvio- y nos bajamos, le pusieron gasolina y resulta que aparece un hombre  y al parecer le ibamos a dar aventon y yo Q?? wtf? si no vamos a caber!! pero no, mamà dijo q si lo ibamos a llevar, ashhh, mi hermano se subio -el era el conductor- luego mi mamà, no topada a mi hermano, sino en el extremo despues el hombre ese y al parecer entre mi hermano y el hombre me tocaba sentarme a mi QQQQ? -dije- no! claro q no me estoy sentando ahi, ugh!  me negue rotundamente. en fin, el hombre se bajo y seguimos nuestro camino.

mas adelante nos fijamos que habia unos rotulos de reparacion de calle, ashhh y un trafico horrible, pero bueno cuando uno va en moto eso no importa mucho xq t metes en medio de dos carros y no pasa nada avanzas sin obstaculo, bien ibamos asi hasta q en eso veo a un lado del camino un monton d sillas, y un podio y un escenario y alguien hablando x microfono, y resulta que habian muchos funcionarios del gobierno y gente disk importante, pero super raro porque estaban ahi cerquita d la trabazon, en medio del polvo, y el piso lleno de lodo por las reparaciones que estaban haciendo, pero ellos como si nada, llevandosela de importantes, bueno en eso me fijo que ya no hay calle, asi es la calle acabo y en su lugar habia una vereda  pero super lodosa y con muchas piedras, pero al verla mejor no era en realidad una vereda era como una quebrada y mi hermano naa, seguia avanzando y yo con gran miedo porque habia abismo a ambos lados, horrible solo cerraba los ojos y me apretaba a su espalda.

a todo esto, los diske importantes funcionarios se volvieron para ver nuestra azaña y todos admirados por el coraje de mi hermano, pero nada ellos seguian en medio del lodo como si nada, sus zapatos se hundian cada vez mas en el lodo pero aun asi sostenian sus copas y actuaban superiores, una sillas estaban ya medio hundidas en el fango...

Mi hermano seguia avanzando por ese horrible camino, la llanta de la moto apenas y cabia en el camino y aun asi habia piedras que nos hacian saltar que miedo tenia, aunq a la vez sentia confianza en el.... y ahi termino... raro no?

pues ahi cuando ya estaba consciente que la cosa habia sido un sueño. pero aun staba medio dormida empece a ver otra vez partes del sueño y me parecio una buena secuencia para hacer una especie de novela grafica o una secuencia de pinturas de esas que son de tipo critico-social hahahahaha aunque en paret quiza si tiene que ver xq hace casi ocho dias q fui a oftalmologo nos encontramos a una sra q le habian donado la consulta resulta que puuu nos contro tantas cosas  sobre su pobreza y su condicion de vida y trabajo q por Dios q indignante como las leyes de nuestro pais pueden ser asi y dejar desprotejidos a nuestra gente ante esas grandes compañias de explotadores!!!! y ya hace dias estoy con la idea de escribir algo sobre esa sra y sobre todos los anonimos que como ella viven en la misma condicion me imagino q mi cerebro me esta exigiendo hacerlo hahaha asi q pronto dedicare alguna entrada a hablar mas en detalle sobre eso, o talvez una especie de poema a lo Roque Dalton talvez, me gustaria hacer alguno asi como los de èl, uh, s mas voy a agregar uno x aca hehehe
bueno basta por hoy, ya me siento muy cansada, se supone q deberia star descansando, mi vista sobretodo ashhhhh ya me quiero curar!!!! -y no coopero hahahahaha....

atm

how to say what I wanna say without saying it?
how to get an answer without asking the question?

whosh! a storm and a rainbow inside...

another sleepless night

insomnia... why that happens to me? *sigh*  I`m so sleepy and tired and the only thing I want to do is to sleep but I just cant, it seems that no matter how much I want to sleep I just cant... I heard somewhere that the lack of sleep can kill one faster than the lack of food... who knows...

Anyway last night I even started to write since I`m not feeling like  myself lately maybe the lack of sleep has to do with that, or maybe I`m just a feeling on the edge of my life, something like what ppl use to imagine the end of the world looked like though I know I`m not at the end of the world still I feel strange, but the the time being  I`m feeling the effects of the lack of sleep, I`m supposed to b resting since I`m a little sick but it`s not my fault to b unable to sleep. Everything hurts and I`m so cold...

I really need a way to fall asleep and rest....

Fallen angel

Chapter 30 ***the way back***

I clearly felt when Ayon got close to the door. He knocked too, apparently Criss and him had some kind of understanding of doing that and then waiting a minute to come in. It was funny because they were so civil when I knew they disliked each other. Everyone could see that, I`ve heard the nurses talk about it. They really gave a good picture of how those two were when I wasn’t around. “like ice and fire, miss, Eimi, it`s scary to see them together” one had said.
“come here!” the machine sounded making my thoughts audible
“I like better your voice” he said taking my hand out of Criss` hand and kissing it and twice. Then he took the funny hat from my head and kissed my forehead. “I`ll ask for someone to take him out of here” he said to me in his thoughts.
“no, you take him to his bedroom” I said to him in our silent way of speaking.
“Eimi?!” his inner voice like that one of a child who doesn’t want to take the trash out
“come on, Ayon, other people will mistreat him … and wake him up”
“ah, yeah, I don’t want him to wake up” a malicious tone in that thought. I laugh. “I`ll be right back, Ei”

A minute is all you need to see your life pass before your eyes like a movie. Now that I couldn’t talk or move or do nothing really, the only thing I had was thinking. If I had been able I would`ve chuckled at my present state. How my life had changed, how many things I didn’t know. How many things I ignored. I had never thought I was going to love, I never thought I was going to be loved. I never thought I was going to met a real angel or a real demon. I never believed in paranormal things and now not only I knew all these but I had to, through a paranormal action, destroy the one I loved and the one that loved me had no chance to win my heart because it was going to be destroyed when I get the courage to send the one I love away. Emotions can`t be denied, they can be more powerful than those things you can see, they are just like wind, invisible but sometimes deadly.

Ayon came back, he put me on my side, my right side this time, then he got onto the bed.
“I missed you” he said
“me too” I passed my thoughts to him now. “I`m not going to ask you to keep on telling me the story… if you don’t want to talk about it”
“I`m sorry Eimi, I`m sorry that all of that was in my head, otherwise it wouldn’t have been my hell”
“I know it was painful for you. It was as if I were you, while you were sharing your memory with me. I know it hurt you to hurt me. That’s why I`m not making you talk anymore”
“but you want to know, don’t you?” I said nothing for a moment.
“I don’t want to hurt you by making you remember it”
“down there, I harmed you in every possible way. I used you as a tool and then to make you cooperate I took out that small piece of the angel in me that I had. It was a torture to have it, because it only caused more pain. Do you remember the atmosphere of hate that I described you was hell`s air? Well, it was my air, it was my blood, hate was there in every part of me. I didn’t know who I was anymore. And then, I overheard the Eimi in my hell talking to the group of demons I had just vanquished. She was no Eimi and I had been a fool thinking that you could be there. Shiloe had taken a form to look as if she were you. She`s a good actress, I guess, but she slipped, and that allowed me to come back because the next time the army came, I was resolute to return to earth, to seek for you, to see if you were safe or if you had gone to heavens. It was just like the time you saw, the same shield, but this time I put my energy into capture them to be mine, and so I did. I was already a demon, so I thought to use that power that I had gained to return to you -`a demon to save you, right!´ I heard as a background sound in his head- And then when I knew you were not there I took Shiloe`s energy, the army`s energy and came back and found you on Passio`s arms. I`m so very sorry that I could not catch her. And I`m so sorry that I`ve put you through this…”
“is that angel side really gone? Am I really talking to a demon now?”
“I don’t know. i don’t know Ei. I really want to be good for… I really want to be who I was but I don’t know. I`ve done bad things, I`ve lead good people to the wrong path, I`ve encouraged bad people to be unafraid of being bad, I`ve spread my hate everywhere. I`m a demon.”
“and yet you want to be good and yet you regret all that you`ve done, and yet you havent left my side all this time… the desire of being good has to count for something”
“I`m happy that it counts for you… Now it`s my turn, right? Tell me what Passio did to you, tell me if you are in any pain, tell me what did you see while you were in comma”
“I don’t remember anything” I lied “I don’t feel pain, only distress at not being able to do nothing and I didnt see nor feel nothing when I was in comma and I don’t remember waking up and I don’t remember much since the time we went to bed that night. Thought I remember a dream from that night. I dreamed that I had a guardian angel and it was weird because you were here and he was too. I was wondering, in the dream, if you knew each other” I chuckled. And felt he was hiding a thought from me. it had become easier for me to see his thoughts, even those he tried to conceal, I wondered if it was happening the same with him.
“why don’t you want to tell me what happened when Passio stayed with you?”
“I don’t want to think about it. I was so worry about you”
“let me carry that burden with you”
“you`ll be back, my angel, you`re still an angel”
“Eimi?” I felt silent, he didn’t insist. I drift into sleep while listening to his heart rhythm. I already missed him.

Fallen angel

Chapter 29 *** facts****

Everytime Criss walkes in a room, he brings his happy aura with him. He came in smiling to me but somehow he managed to look Ayon in a contemptous way. How strange and diverse expressions can be. 

“Eimi, dear, are you ok?” he asked worried when he saw my eyes.

-yes-

“can I talk with you now?” I knew, as everybody else, that he meant withouth Ayon.

-yes- 

Ayon knew it too, he placed his forehead over mine “don’t go too far away, please” I said. He kissed my cheek and left. “finally” Criss murmured. 

“Eimi, I think you can try talking to me now, you think you can do it?” he had brought this new technology wich trhough a funny hat in my head made a computer verbalize my thoughts. It had been hard to learn, but I guessed I had to learn how to use it since only Ayon could listen to my thoughts and I wanted to know what had happened with me, what the doctors said about me, what was going on in my company, in my house… Criss put me in a seated possition on my bed, he fixed the pillows for me and then he placed the funny hat on my head. He took a chair and sat infront of me. He smiled.

“A smile for you too” the computer sounded. It was my thoughts but with that voice computers have programmed. It was so artificial. He smiled brighter, he was happy.

“can you tell me about the company, please?”

“is that what you want to know the most, Eimi?”

“is my job to know that, I know you are doing a good job but I want to be sure it`s all going well`” Criss sighed

“ok, as I told you I`ve taken your place, all the contracts are going well, all of what has happened to you hasn’t reach anyone`s ears, I`m the only one who knows and the people around here. The accounts you were…”

“you never went to that meeting abroad, did you?” I interrupted him. I remembered the last time I had been normal he came to say good bye before going abroad.

“I did, but only to get a plane back”

“tell me about that”

“hasn’t he told you about that?” I said nothing so he continued “I was getting off the plane when I heard my phone ringing. It was your number but Ayon was the one calling. He said to come back because Eimi has had an accident. I took the plane back home. I came here and he was at your side. I knew you trusted him so I asked him if he had done anything to you. He said nothing. I called an ambulance and the police. They wanted to take him but he didn’t let them, he resisted, they almost shoot him but he didn’t left your side. They took you to the hospital. Police men and then bodyguards were there all the time to make sure he did nothing. He went to kiss you one day but a guard thought he was trying to harm you so he hit Ayon and Ayon hit back broking the man`s arm in three parts. We argued. He didn’t got close to you from that day. The guard has pressented charges against him. You`ve payed for that not to become public. 

“thank you for that Criss” the machine failed to transmit the deep gratitude I wanted to imply in those words.

“After a day, I decided to take your place at the company because this could be a scandal. Two weeks passed, doctors didn’t know what had happened to you. Your heart failed a lot, we thought we were going to loose you. I thought he was going crazy. Sometimes he would suddenly call your name. I knew that you wouldn’t like to wake up in a hospital so I decided to bring you back. It tood a week to adecuate your room.

The day we brought you back you woke up for the first time. You opened your eyes and seemed like triying to talk or scream but no words came out, the doctors we had here didn’t know what was going on with you. It happened two more times, they find out then you werent able to talk. They said probably you have neourological damage, again Ayon was the main suspect. We never left him alone with you. One day you woke up but it was like only your body had woken up. We took you to the hospital, there we knew for sure that you were not going to be able to move or talk.” He started to cry.

“it`s ok Criss, don’t worry about me anymore than you already have”

“and instead of me conforting you, you are the one conforting me, ahg!”

“you`ve worry enough, you don’t have to, forgive me for being such a pain, make sure to compensate yourself” now that he had taken my place he could manage all the time, money and whatever in my company.

“money is not all, Eimi” my words seemed to offend him

“I didn’t mean to offend you, I know your friendship is great and a blessing to me”

“friendship…” he sighed

“because of me, you havent rest, please rest a little, I`m sure you were by my side the whole time, too”

“I wanted to be here”

“what a great friend I have. Come, give me a hug. And imagine I`m hugging you back while smiling ok?” my voice sounded so funny on that machine and I felt so stupid saying what I had said.

 He came close and hugged me.

“I thought I was going to loose you Eimi” he whispered in my ear “I felt like diying” he moved away a little, but he was still close. His eyes looking straight into mine. I knew what was coming. I didn’t know what to do. “I don’t want to loose you. Eimi it`s more than friendship, you know? I love you Eimi, I`ve loved you since the first time I saw you. I`d do anything for you, anything”

I didn’t know what to say. But I knew my heart was no longer mine, so I couldn’t correspond him.

“I`m not the same anymore, Criss, look at me. You don’t want me”

“love doesn’t change for a thing like this or for anyother” I knew what he meant.

“you deserve better”

“Eimi” he said my name as if he was beggin me to love him back. Then he closed his eyes and kissed me. If I had been able to move I would`ve done it “I really wanted you to know what`s in my heart”

“Criss…”

“you don’t have to say nothing –he smiled his bright smile- now I`ll talk about everything else…” I couldn’t focus anymore. It was so hard to know for sure what I already knew but ignore. He kept on talking about the state of the company, bank accounts, my house, hospital bills, my own illness, Ayon name scattered here and there mixed with the word guilty or suspect or damage… “this is making you tired, isnt it?”

“yes…”

“I`ll read for you, is that ok?” He knew I love to read and I wasn’t able to do it anymore, my favorite book was still on my nightstand, as if waiting for me to come back.

“thank you, but I know you`re tired too, you work here, you work at the company, you take care of my business, you can go to rest” he, now, lived under my roof too, he had moved in since I got back from the hospital.

“I can go if you want me to” he sounded sad.

“I didn’t say that” it was so hard to deal with emotions.

He took my hand in his then he started to read but he read less than a chapter before falling asleep on my lap. He was so tired. Poor him.

puppet

I  wonder why I`m needing a reason to get up,
I wonder why is it that my eyes havent got dry even after crying almost incesantly.
I wonder why the  ones that I consider closer to my soul are the ones that forget.
I wonder why I let people get close to my soul when I`ve already promised myself not to allow that.
I wonder why I can get a star why I cant get a dream
I wonder why I didnt stay on that light.
I wonder why the most appealing path is the one that causes me, now, more pain
I wonder why I cant get through... that wall
I wonder why I cant see who you really are
I wonder why I keep trusting and waiting some kindness on you
when I already knew I wasnt gonna get that from you.
I wonder why I let you hurt me so much
I wonder why my heart has singled you out
it makes no sense at all, it´s the worst possible choice.
I wonder why my happy day doesnt come
I wonder about life and its purpose
I wonder about my own purpose:
just exists and be there as a puppet pulled by strings
I wonder why cant I rest in peace
why is it always ghosts and demons hunting my nights
and the memories of nightmares and wounds shadowing my days
why, why, why
I wonder if there`s any answer...
Can I get answers?
can I at least have a full happy day without the fear of paying for it later?

cursed moon

Cursed moon,
pale and frail:
a sign of pain.

Everyday, she dresses herself in light

but her house is a dark home

that makes her glitter vanish away, little by little

until she´s only a letter,

until she becomes dark

and no one remembers 

where she was last time.

Cursed moon
she weeps and sobs
silently, always silently
no confort for the cursed moon.

Despite all, she gathers her remaining strenth

she bathes in sunlight

and she shines bright again.

Cursed moon,
her pale face is all she has
the night is so strong
she cannot fight it,
and it all comes back again.

Cursed moon,

she faints and gets up,

she doesn´t give up.

She´s cursed

the sign of pain she bears.

Escondido a plena luz

Es un canto silente y desesperado

Que no tiene destinatario

Precisamente porque no hay nadie a quien dirigirlo

It`s a desperate and silent cry

that has no addresee

because there`s no one to listen to it.

Es un criptico escrito

Cuya piedra roseta se ha perdido

Por lo que el mensaje jamas sera leido

It`s a cryptic message

unable to be decoded

so, it will never be read again

Es un papiro en el olvido

Fragmentado por los años

Que conserva una fria llama azul

Encerrada en la oscuridad

It`s a forgotten papyrus

fragmented by the years

but it`s letters still have a cold blue fire

locked in it`s darkness

Escondido a plena luz

Secreto publico

Custodiado tras frágil cristal, en gotas saladas

Hidden where everyone can see,

a public secret,

it`s guardians, salty water drops, 

it`s behind a crystal wall. 

***

whoa! translation is kind of hard /s dificil traducir, quiero q signifique lo mismo!!

The worst fear

I think it already happened,

It hurt so bad, it almost killed me,

and I desired it

I thought it will set me free

To be, to fly

But it is forbiden

So I won´t be, I won´t fly

Not yet...

I hope soon,

My heart and soul scream for it

Beg for it,

No more here, no more now

No more me

When will it be?

It´s the question in my mind

How much will I wait?

It already happened

But it didn´t kill me

However I still desire it

I do, with all my heart

It will set me free

It will allow me to be,

No more cage, no more stay,

No more pain, no more me

MariAli

Now, for my not real books.... this morning I found this very sweet story!! I really liked it. To make it short, it`s a story where love surpasses everything even death, n oh, my! I loved that ending part!! where the two main characters find each other in the afterlife and they keep on being together there as well!! just lovely!

tuesdays with Morrie

I have a long time since I havent talked about any of my readings, I almost feel like I`m not reading as much as I used to which feels like not being me...of course I´ve had million things to do, so I guess it`s not only my fault, thought it`s true that I stopped reading real books -what unreal books have u read, ha?- because I lost my library id ¬¬ anyway, about the book, it`s actually intensive reading -haha using big words- that is I`m reading it for school but it doesnt mean it`s a bad reading in fact, it`s quite good and some parts of it almost made me cry.

The story starts with a graduation, a teacher and a student, both had became friends. The student promissed to always be in touch with the teacher. He never did. Time went by and then the student founds out his teacher is dying... many things happened and they met again. Morrie, the teacher is teaching Mitch, the student, again, teaching him about death and life... it`s a quite simple but emotional book.

Some quotes that I like so far -because I havent finished it- are:
"should`t the world stop? dont they know what has happened to me?
but the world did not stop, it took no notice at all..."

"Part of me is scared of leaving school. Part of me wants to go desperately. Tension of opposites."

The latter is me nowadays... btw, there`s this part that I really liked, when Morrie, the teacher founds out he`s dying he decided to do a living funeral, how cool is that, ha?, so that he could hear all the nice things ppl would say about him! I think I`ll do one of those some day haha

Fallen angel

Chapter 28 ***Hell***
Maybe it all had been some sort of nightmare that I had have while sleeping on Ei`s lap. I woke up and the sky was clear. She was good. I smiled at her. Her expression was empty. She was like a statue with a lost stare only a tear on her cheeck made her look alive. I got up quickly. I took her shoulders. She flinched. She was scared of me.
“Ei, are you ok?” she couldn’t talk out of fear. She was scared to death “Ei, what happened? Did Passio…?” maybe it hadnt been a dream.
“stop it! Stop it!” she screamed “just go ahead, don’t act like you care”
“wha…” I saw it. Her skin was different. It seemed just like the one statures have: hard. It also had little crack all over the place.
A small army was coming to us. One of them, the leader, advanced before the others. He spoke.
“we didn’t want to take her away from you. We went to you respecting you hierachi. We asked you for a little of her, just that, yet you refused and didtnt listen to reasons…”
“shut up!” I heard myself saying “I`d do it again and the answer`s no. she`s mine and no one can touch her but me” it was my voice but it was not me. It was a demon voice. I didn’t recognize myseft. I realize I was concious of every bit of her body as if it was my own.
I heard myself talking again, a course came out of my mouth followed by laughter. I made a dismissive sign with my hand sending with it a big amount of energy directed to the small army. Nothing happened. They were a small army only because they trusted their powers and above all their capability of tricking. The had set me up or so they thought. While the leader demon was talking, several of them were hidden, sneaking to get close to Eimi and to take her away from me. That plan of theirs had caused me to laugh. “when I say she`s mine, I mean it” my mouth said. I became invisible and got really close to Ei. They were stunned and as I thought they thought I had left. So little they knew me, when they got only a few steps away from Ei I did it. It was the worst thing that I could``ve ever done. I entered in her. She made no sound nor she resisted she only closed her eyes tightly and I, from her insights, forced her to open them. I took control of her body.
“you don’t have to be so hard, just ask what you want, you know I`d do it” it was her thoughts that I was listening. I ignored them. “where are you?” she continued “Ayon come back to me”
I was confused. It was like if I was two person at once, both the angel and the demon but separately, and for what I was doing I knew I had been the demon fo a long time.
“they`re coming to get you, love” I said in my thoughts too. I guessed she could hear them too. She said nothing but I could felt the pain ripping through her body. A blood line came from one of her temples and a tear from her eyes. No one had touched her, so it had to be me the cause of it.
“Eimi? Wh-wh” I couldnt talk, I couldn’t think clarly since we were one. I was in her body.
“Ayon!” she said, some kind of joy in her voice “Ayon come back” a dark shadow covered my mind “good” it said “I thought that one was dead” it was my own voice talking to me “I was tired of faking” I heard an evil laugh that came out of Ei`s mouth. She sounded like those possessed people in movies, she was possessed, by me, by the demon I was “don’t let him die, love…I`ll be the one to crush that lost angel…” “Ei, no, don’t listen to that” “will you let her get caught by all those others?” my evil side asked. i was having some sort of argument with myself.
“fight, Ayon, fight” eimi was tenderly saying to my good side. Another evil laughter came out of her. My evil side was using her voice.
“good, give him your strengh because that one`s only a shadowy memory of me” the evil side said using her mouth. Her voice sounded like echo on me. I was the cause of her tears I was the one that made her scared. It was me. It was me? Yet I was cushing a part of myself too. In the end I had became addicted to power. I had became completely a demon. “stop winning, she`s gone, yupe, Passio`s gone” it was my distorted voice coming from Ei`s head.
A song started to sound on our enclosed place, Eimi`s body, she was not alone there anymore. I had entered with my demon side ruling the scene. He was singing the song I used to sing for Eimi. She started to calm dow, so did I, it was like if we were connected, not my demon side, though.
“sing to me Ayon” she said. He, the other me, kept singing. It was soothing. I felt hwe so close as if our souls were blending into one. Then I saw though her eyes. A circle of energy exploding around her was what I saw. All the demon`s army fade away when she lifted her hand as if she were absrbing something with her palm. She was absorbing their energy, their attacks. I was absrobing the energy, the was the mean to do it. I sensed the damage this much energy made to her body, that was why her skin was lkie that of statues, her eyes blood-red.
“now” my other side said o the group of demons “give up at once, how many more times will we do this, you shoul`ve leant by now that you will never, ever be able to take what`s mine” he made Eimi to lift her hand again. He gathered her energy and put it out like a shield then with a small amount of my own power he pushed them away. He used her like an augmentation glass, with little of my energy all the army was binded. Blood strings started to fall from her temples, she had many cuts on her hands as if she had fallen into broken glasses. All of her was flooding in sadness now. The song had ended and she was fully aware, as I was,that I had used her in the most despicable way. He, my devil side, had turned his back to her after that, coming out of her body leaving her so badly injured that she fall to the ground and was not able to get up. I was truly a monster. I had become a demon
“why?” she asked in a whisper
“I`m a demon, Eimi, this is who I am” my evil side answered and somehow my sadness flooded that side too.
I leaned and picked her up in my arms, after a while. She did nothingbut to close her eyes the whole time. Her eyes were still close when I cleaned her body from the blood, when I put vandages to her hands, even when my most evil side arose and kissed her mouth. She was like a statue, hard and cold, only a tear coming from her eyes let me know wshe was alive. I put her on a bed and lay beside her, on my side, watching her. Her eyes closed withough moving. She was in the same pisition I had left her. I, that part of me that still loved her, got a share of energy too. It was like a rush of extasis on me, the highest pleasuer you can imagine. If liked ift a lot, in the moment it happened I liked it as if there was nothing else, as if nothing else mattered, but everything else mattered, she mattered and she had been used by me.
My evil side reapeared, gaining control again, he crushed my good side, or my half good side, the Ayon she had met. Still laying beside her, he said “I always liked the feeling of laying beside you” he got closer to her. She didn’t move. She was like dead. He hugged her and kissed her collar bone. The Ayon inside, that half good one, was troubled since I liked the feeling that action gave me, I hated myself for liking it and for letting my evil side doing that after having used Eimi.
“the Ayon you knew is enjoying this as well” my evil side said. It made her move and face me “he`s craving for more, I can asure you that… should we please him?”
“I still belive in you, my Angel” she said placing her hand in my cheek, looking at me tenderly.
Now it you time, you wimp, let`s haver her, you wante her as much as I do, we are one after all, so I know how badly we want her, it`ll be so easy for me if you were the one since the human is so into you.
“I`m sorry Eimi, I cant do this anymore” Ayon said and the whole image vanished. He got away from my side and I opened my eyes. How real it had been, I had lived, through his thoughts, his hell. We were crying. He saw my tears. He kneel down pleading forgiveness. I needed to talk to him. We heard a nock on the door and Criss` voice behind it.
“I`ll come in Eimi” he waited around a minute to come in, time enough for Ayon to clean my eyes and his.

classes

I feel a wind coming, it makes everything foggy. I´m seated on my desk. Students around paying attention to the class. The fog that comes makes my vision partly blind. Theories and opinions dance in the air infront of my eyes. I can almost see the letters that form the words, like images that knit a web, it all comming out of the teacher´s mouth... most of it passes away from my ears. My body is there even my voice: my posture attentive but I´m not really there. I´m going round and round untill everything mingles in my head. You´re there: you´re voice, you´re scent, the pictures of you that I have in my head... Everything slows down just like honey when it falls...

Fallen angel

Chapter 27 ***Conversation***
While being on the other room we didn’t really talk, we were just lying on the bed. Me looking at the ceiling and his eyes looking at me. His hand holding mine, at least I could felt that. He sang the song, now I knew what it meant. I only closed my eyes because now it made me remember of what I had to do.
“I don’t like to see you with that thing over your face” he said pointing at the oxygen tank. I smiled, I felt like smiling but I know I didn’t, because I couldn’t. “I`ll take you back so that you can take that off” he said already taking me in his arms. I kept my eyes closed. I fall asleep for a moment. His voice woke me up. He was calling me “Ei?, Ei?” I opened my eyes and he was leaned over me. He gave me a big hug. “where were you, dearest?” he put his forehead over mine. My heart raced a bit and I felt the impulse of moving away, of course it didn’t happen. Instead he was thrown away… by me. That was bad. My eyes were wide open, and so were his. He got up and got closer to my bed “should I leave?” he asked.
-no- I blinked twice.
“may I get close to you?”
–yes-
He got onto the bed and move me to my side. We were forehead to forehead now.
“I don’t know what happened, I`m so sorry, Ayon. Are you hurt?”
“I scared you, it`s my fault for not asking you first”
“no, Ayon, that was not it… it`s just that this thing I don’t know how to control it. It seems to work on its own”
“you can practice with me as much as you want”
“are you a masochistic now?” the tone of the voice in my thoughts teasingly. He`s laughter in my head as well as in my ears.
“Ei? Can you tell me if you have the feeling of being somewhere else when you are sleeping?”
“you mean just a moment ago? I just feel tired, close my eyes and sleep. I don’t see nothing and I don’t dream nothing, why?”
“well, whenever you were sleping I knew you were here, that your spirit was in your body, I could even see a blur of your dreams, not images but energy. Now when you sleep like that I cant sense your spirit anywhere, it`s like if you were…”
“dead?”
“gone” he said and I could sense on his thoughts that he was worried.
“is it always that way, now?”
“no, that`s why I want to know if you feel like going somewhere else… or maybe I`m no longer able to see your spirit because I`m no longer a light spirit but a dark one”
“you`re listening to me now”
“yeah, but only because you`ve chosen to let me hear your thoughts”
“so, before, when you were a complete angel you didn’t need people permission to barge into their thoughts?” I said a little angry since he kept saying bad things about himself
“no, but I could sense them all the time”
“a demon can do that too, right? Just stop saying silly things ok… maybe I`ve become mute in my spirit too, maybe this thing that I can control prevents you from feeling my spirit.” He felt silent for a while, so I opened my eyes. We were really close. His eyes were still closed, his mouth trembling. He wanted to cry. “tell me all about it” I said, closing my eyes again.
“about?”
“what happened to you after you chose me. I want to, no, I need to know” I heard words coming to his brain, a thought, an excuse for not telling me. It was like listening completely to what was inside his head. It was amazing “just tell me and stop thinking about excuses for not doing it. I have time to wait. You know I wont go anywhere” I pressed the subject of my sickness because I knew that would made him talk. It worked.
“I …” again I could listened into his unprocessed thoughts, he was trying to make things less hard first to tell them to me.
“say things as they were. Be honest with me, please” I pleaded. I`m not so sure why I wanted to know about his suffering, maybe it was selfish of me to make him re-lived all that or maybe deep inside I thought talking about it could help him or could help me to destroy him because I was going to see him not like a half demon, half angel but only as a demon.
He took a deep breath and then I didn’t listen to his voice but watched an image. It was my bedroom floor, then I could sense a hand caressing my face, a woman hand, pain in my back, a burning pain, then I listened to my own voice calling Ayon`s name. I realized it then, he was really re-living the memory of what happened to him for me, he was giving me his perspective of things but in a very literal way. I was seeing and feeling things through his eyes, through his body. So now, in the memory I was Ayon.
I saw myself crying. Motionless. I couldn’t get up of the floor and the pain kept on burning. Shiloe was laughing her evil laugh and all of them were getting close. I had to get up. I had to get up. I took the hand that was caressing my face and saw that she was holding a sword. A sword, that was the burning pain, I had been hit by Michael`s sword then this was no… this is hell. The hand that I was holding got gray and decayed. I saw her face now. It stared to distort. the mouth went bigger and the teeth were rotten, the eyes red-blood. I moved away and it became to its true form. A demon that laughed at me. Far away I saw four person. I knew now that I was in hell, so probably this was my own personal hell, it all was a vission. The pain that the sword caused was getting worst, like burning, I felt the running blood staining my back. When I got closer I saw the four person better, Eimi and three versions of Passio. Eimi was being killed. She screamed my name and I ran to her but the distance kept on growing. As soon as I was about to get to her, I lost her. Then I remembered where I was, so I stopped. The scene was played again, like a movie. It was emotionally painful to see that, but I knew Eimi couldn’t be here. If I had lost her, she had to be in heavens. “she`s not” Passio`s voice sounded everywhere “she`s here, with you, after all, if you are with demons, where do you think you belong?” is that possible I asked myself. She`s here and I made that? “you made that” Eimi! I screamed. It all became black. The pain, both phisically and emotionally, was unbearable, yet I resisted it. It was hell after all. The scenery changed. She was on top of a hill all wounded. I started to run to her. I was close but so were thousands of demons. I fired them with my energy. It was not enough, I did it over and over but they were too many. They got her, it was like watching hienas eating a deer. She screamed and I did my best to fight the demons but it was useless. I knew I had no power. She kept screaming. They were hurting her. They were hurting her because of me, it was my fault she was here. I`m surely are a demon I thought, and I`m one of the worst, I made an innocent to come to hell and now I`m too weak to help her. Now the pain was only half of my anger towards me. I hated myself now, the pain and the anger were nothing compare to my hate. I screamed and it happened. I pulled my hair and all my skin started to burn. Light, fire started to come out of me. “I hate you all!” I screamed and a light bubble went to the demons eating Eimi`s energy. Many of them got hurt. “I hate myselft the most!” a louder scream and another energy bubble bigger than the first not only destroyed my body but threw away everydemon close to Ei. I was no longer Ei`s Ayon. I was a demon.

-----
agh! how awful it`s been to post this one ¬¬ stupid slow computer. Just when I finally found a picture good enough for this chap, I realized the blog was closed ¬¬ I`ll keep on looking for images to this chapter, I`m not completely satisfied with the one I found... and like five mins later, I found one, the first one... though I`m not sure..

Fallen Angel

Chapter 27 ***Conversation***

While being on the other room we didn’t really talk, we were just lying on the bed. Me looking at the ceiling and his eyes looking at me. His hand holding mine, at least I could felt that. He sang the song, now I knew what it meant. I only closed my eyes because now it made me remember of what I had to do.

“I don’t like to see you with that thing over your face” he said pointing at the oxygen tank. I smiled, I felt like smiling but I know I didn’t, because I couldn’t. “I`ll take you back so that you can take that off” he said already taking me in his arms. I kept my eyes closed. I fall asleep for a moment. His voice woke me up. He was calling me “Ei?, Ei?” I opened my eyes and he was leaned over me. He gave me a big hug. “where were you, dearest?” he put his forehead over mine. My heart raced a bit and I felt the impulse of moving away, of course it didn’t happen. Instead he was thrown away… by me. That was bad. My eyes were wide open, and so were his. He got up and got closer to my bed “should I leave?” he asked.
-no- I blinked twice.
“may I get close to you?”
–yes-
He got onto the bed and move me to my side. We were forehead to forehead now.
“I don’t know what happened, I`m so sorry, Ayon. Are you hurt?”
“I scared you, it`s my fault for not asking you first”
“no, Ayon, that was not it… it`s just that this thing I don’t know how to control it. It seems to work on its own”
“you can practice with me as much as you want”
“are you a masochistic now?” the tone of the voice in my thoughts teasingly. He`s laughter in my head as well as in my ears.
“Ei? Can you tell me if you have the feeling of being somewhere else when you are sleeping?”
“you mean just a moment ago? I just feel tired, close my eyes and sleep. I don’t see nothing and I don’t dream nothing, why?”
“well, whenever you were sleping I knew you were here, that your spirit was in your body, I could even see a blur of your dreams, not images but energy. Now when you sleep like that I cant sense your spirit anywhere, it`s like if you were…”
“dead?”
“gone” he said and I could sense on his thoughts that he was worried.
“is it always that way, now?”
“no, that`s why I want to know if you feel like going somewhere else… or maybe I`m no longer able to see your spirit because I`m no longer a light spirit but a dark one”
“you`re listening to me now”
“yeah, but only because you`ve chosen to let me hear your thoughts”
“so, before, when you were a complete angel you didn’t need people permission to barge into their thoughts?” I said a little angry since he kept saying bad things about himself
“no, but I could sense them all the time”
“a demon can do that too, right? Just stop saying silly things ok… maybe I`ve become mute in my spirit too, maybe this thing that I can control prevents you from feeling my spirit.” He felt silent for a while, so I opened my eyes. We were really close. His eyes were still closed, his mouth trembling. He wanted to cry. “tell me all about it” I said, closing my eyes again.
“about?”
“what happened to you after you chose me. I want to, no, I need to know” I heard words coming to his brain, a thought, an excuse for not telling me. It was like listening completely to what was inside his head. It was amazing “just tell me and stop thinking about excuses for not doing it. I have time to wait. You know I wont go anywhere” I pressed the subject of my sickness because I knew that would made him talk. It worked.
“I …” again I could listened into his unprocessed thoughts, he was trying to make things less hard first to tell them to me.
“say things as they were. Be honest with me, please” I pleaded. I`m not so sure why I wanted to know about his suffering, maybe it was selfish of me to make him re-lived all that or maybe deep inside I thought talking about it could help him or could help me to destroy him because I was going to see him not like a half demon, half angel but only as a demon.

He took a deep breath and then I didn’t listen to his voice but watched an image. It was my bedroom floor, then I could sense a hand caressing my face, a woman hand, pain in my back, a burning pain, then I listened to my own voice calling Ayon`s name. I realized it then, he was really re-living the memory of what happened to him for me, he was giving me his perspective of things but in a very literal way. I was seeing and feeling things through his eyes, through his body. So now, in the memory I was Ayon.

I saw myself crying. Motionless. I couldn’t get up of the floor and the pain kept on burning. Shiloe was laughing her evil laugh and all of them were getting close. I had to get up. I had to get up. I took the hand that was caressing my face and saw that she was holding a sword. A sword, that was the burning pain, I had been hit by Michael`s sword then this was no… this is hell. The hand that I was holding got gray and decayed. I saw her face now. It stared to distort. the mouth went bigger and the teeth were rotten, the eyes red-blood. I moved away and it became to its true form. A demon that laughed at me. Far away I saw four person. I knew now that I was in hell, so probably this was my own personal hell, it all was a vission. The pain that the sword caused was getting worst, like burning, I felt the running blood staining my back. When I got closer I saw the four person better, Eimi and three versions of Passio. Eimi was being killed. She screamed my name and I ran to her but the distance kept on growing. As soon as I was about to get to her, I lost her. Then I remembered where I was, so I stopped. The scene was played again, like a movie. It was emotionally painful to see that, but I knew Eimi couldn’t be here. If I had lost her, she had to be in heavens. “she`s not” Passio`s voice sounded everywhere “she`s here, with you, after all, if you are with demons, where do you think you belong?” is that possible I asked myself. She`s here and I made that? “you made that” Eimi! I screamed.

It all became black. The pain, both phisically and emotionally, was unbearable, yet I resisted it. It was hell after all. The scenery changed. She was on top of a hill all wounded. I started to run to her. I was close but so were thousands of demons. I fired them with my energy. It was not enough, I did it over and over but they were too many. They got her, it was like watching hienas eating a deer. She screamed and I did my best to fight the demons but it was useless. I knew I had no power. She kept screaming. They were hurting her. They were hurting her because of me, it was my fault she was here. I`m surely are a demon I thought, and I`m one of the worst, I made an innocent to come to hell and now I`m too weak to help her. Now the pain was only half of my anger towards me. I hated myself now, the pain and the anger were nothing compare to my hate. I screamed and it happened. I pulled my hair and all my skin started to burn. Light, fire started to come out of me. “I hate you all!” I screamed and a light bubble went to the demons eating Eimi`s energy. Many of them got hurt. “I hate myselft the most!” a louder scream and another energy bubble bigger than the first not only destroyed my body but threw away everydemon close to Ei. I was no longer Ei`s Ayon. I was a demon.

Fallen angel

Chapter 26****love***
Ayon stayed motionless. His back to me. He was like that for over a minute. I started to cry. Passio had done this and I now knew that I needed to do as she said. Ayon shoulders started to move up and down faster. He was sobbing. He was sad. I couldn’t move. ´Energy, Eimi´I heard Passio in my head. If I had been able to move I would have taken off the ribbon in his hair and caressed his head. The ribbon broke in two pieces and his hair floated over his back. He turned startled. Our faces tear-stained.

“forgive me” he said, pleading. I had expected a big hug. “forgive me, Eimi, I- I” ´no´ I said in my mind ´where´s my hug?´
“Eimi?” he said looking at his arms “is this you?”
-yes- I think so… I said to myself
“how can you still want me close?” he hugged me for a long time. “I promise you I´ll find Passio and make her paid for what she´s done to you” he said looking straight to my eyes.
-no-
“oh, Eimi, I´ll be fine” it was so awful not being able to talk. ´Energy´I heard again in my head. I remembered that when we were closer the better he took my energy. The problem was how to make him get closer. I try to summon those strings of light or energy that I had have when I met Passio, I wanted to have those `hands`. It worked. They took his hand.

“when did you learn to do it?!” he asked. I rolled my eyes. How was I going to answer that? He smiled “yes, I´m being the moron now” the strings of light were weak but he followed them. They were pulling him to my bed then close to me. Gladly, he understood and took me. My ear on his chest. I could listen to his heart. I tried to send a thought to him. I hurt him. He moaned in pain but he didn’t move. Maybe it was not his heart but his head. I pulled out the strings again and pulled him down but it was not strong enough to move him or me. Then, I touched his forehead with it.
“head to head?”
-yes-
“thoughts?”
-yes-
“ok, I know how”

He got up then pulled a big chair. He got me in his arms and he sat with me on his lap, then he put his forehead on top of mine and closed his eyes.
“my heart just dopped to my stomach again” his voice sounded in my head. The sound of his laugh in my ears. He was passing me his thoughts. I was afraid of passing all of mine to him.
“don’t be afraid, it´s just like feeding” again his thoughts in my head. He gave me confidence because when feeding I could felt some of him and viceversa but never all of it.

“no vengeance!” I said, no response from him “no vengeance” I tried to scream on my thoughts because I thought he hadnt listened.
“ouch!” he said “I heard, sorry for not answering”
“I´m sorry!”
“it´s ok, it´s my fault”
“no vengeance, no friendship with those spirits, no hurting people or no one and no gloomy face, my angel” tears in his eyes. I felt his pain.
“I´m no longer an angel, Eimi”
“you are here, you chose me ´cause it was right to protect the weaker one`, so I say you are my angel, and that´s what you are. Period.”
“no, look what I did to you”
“I´ll be ok… I´ve missed you!”
“where were you, Eimi, all this time, you´ve waken up only to faint again, and when you were fainted it was like you weren´t here, where were you?, I couldn’t sense you here or anywhere?”
“I don’t know. I thought I was here… you havent feed!” I could felt his weak spirit starving. A flow of energy went from my skin to him. I had so many thoughts in my head, I wanted to ask so many questions it was like a flood inside of me and even in my head I had to chose what to say next.
“no! I don’t deserve it!”
“take it!”
“no!” I got mad at his attitude and sent it anywyay. I knew he was in need of it. He tried to fight it but couldn’t. I chucked in my mind.
“I´ve missed your laughter” he said
“you heard that?”
“this is like talking, dear”
“ I see. I´m sorry you had to choose. I´m sorry that your choice sent you to that place”
“I´m not. I´d do I again if I had to”
“only an angel could say that… choosing to save the weak”
“choosing love” I wasn’t sure to get that line.
“about that… I kind of …got mad at Shiloe…”
“don’t mind about her”
“but I…”
“Niss came and told me that he had heard about what happened to Shiloe…no he doesn’t know the rest or about me either…yeah, I´m sure and if he knows he didn’t say anything…”
“the spirits?”
“sorry about that, I ordered not to touch you”
“they hate you!”
“I know, it works that way there, it´s only a matter of power”
“loose them”
“done”
“how long has it been?”
“a month and a half”
“how long it was that night?”
“it all happened quick, in no time really but a lot at the same time… the concept of eternity”
“what time it was here when you came back?”
“almost seven in the morning”
“you´ve been here all this time”
“yes”
“why?”
“how could I not be here?”
“it´s not fair for you… you don’t have to”
“I do” it hurt my heart that he felt obligated to be there. Maybe that was what Passio meant when she said that I didn’t have to made him love me. She had meant out of pity. It really made me sad and in a way it made me feel clautrophofic, a big pressure on my chest, maybe, it`s hard to describe.
“take me out to the garden”
“doctors say it´s better to have you inside the house, your inmune system, they think, is weak”
“everything feels numb…”
“hold on” he got away. I opened my eyes. He smiled and moved his hand. He had created the illusion of the park for me. I closed my eyes. He returned to me and put his forehead over mine.
“thanks”
“the least I can do after all I´ve caused”
The door was being knocked. “no! tell them to go” he chuckled and did as I told him.
“it´s time to check on her” a voice said
“what time is it?” I asked
“eight a.m…bath time”
“w-what?”
“it´ll be fine” he said. When he lifted his head, the illusion of the park vanished
“come in” his voice was more like I remembered it now, more calm.
Two nurses brough in a strecher and a screen. They set it
“sir?” one said. He took me there
“I´m always here. I was anxious so I didn’t like too many people to touch you. I put you here always and stay here and that´s why they brought in a screen. I can go this time though and forgive me if you didn’t like me being here. Should I go?” he said half appologizing.

I pondered it for a while. I blinked twice –no- he smiled and I felt he went to sit away, his back to the screen. I don’t know how I was so sure of that but I knew it.
“miss Crusos, you´re so lucky!” a nurse said whispering in my ear after a while. It was so horrible to so dependant, so awful to be touched by those strangers that were talking to me as if the knew me. “he´s so handsome! –she continued- And the way he looks at you! I wish someone love me like that!” love! This was not it, it was regret. I started to cry, gladly they were finishing “oh miss, don’t worry he wont leave you, he really loves you. He never leaves you side. I don’t think I´ve ever seen so much love!” was this woman here to torture me? Ayon! My mind shouted.
“Eimi!” he came quickly to the other side of the screen
“she´s ok, sir but maybe she´s sad. She started to cry”
“Are you done?” worry in his voice
“yes sir” they both said taking the screen quickly, I could sense fear in them.
“what happened?” he lifted me while putting our foreheads close
“oh my! Look how lovingly he is!” one told the other nurse. I couldn’t talk or move but my hearing was fine.
“I want to be alone” I said to Ayon
“go” he said to the nurses “leave that, I´ll pick it up”
-no- I blinked twice. He put his forehead on mine again “take me to the other room….when they´re done, we´ll be back, please” I couldn’t stop crying. He kissed my forehead. The two women were in awe. They were torturing me. Saying love when the words were pity and regret.
“please send someone to clean this room after you´re done picking that”
“yes sir…i´ts so happy that she woke up, right? You seem very happy!”
“I am” he said with the beautiful voice I loved, no more harshness. More tears came to my eyes “it´s ok Ei” he was trying to calm me down while taking me to the other room. The doctors scolded him for taking me out, they were scared of him, but apparently my room had been modified to keep the environment free from bacteria even dust. Criss wasn’t there, so they couldn’t fight him, in the end they put me on oxygen. But it wasn’t long because I returned to my bedroon too quickly to my taste.