Double Life: Parting.

Josh was the first to get to the classroom, he checked that her stuff was still on her desk, he had been afraid that after that phone call earlier she´d ditch classes. The bell rang. Everybody got in but her. so she is ditching classes, he said to himself, a few minutes later she appeared. She had a note that the teacher took without a word. She sat and her eyes immediately went to the window.

 Chemistry was so hard. He had to keep his focus to get it and the teacher never ceased to ask questions to random students, he among them, therefore he couldn’t once speak to Nichole. Once that class ended he had the perfect time to talk to her but he couldn’t find how to open his mouth since he had realized he was not only going to apologize but to ask her out right after his brother had insulted her, it didn’t seem right. 

When he noticed history class was already starting, he had lost his chance, next class was art for her and no class for him. She did tell me to talk to her after her class, didn’t she? he asked himself. When the class ended she was the first one to go out. And there was the homeroom teacher asking him to talk right when he was about to go out. He needed to pick a class.
“Art -he said without thinking- art with Mike”
“Ah, so you already knew Mike?” “Eh, sort of” “Are you into painting?”
“Not really”
“Then?”
“The guitar, I play the guitar and I´ve heard he´s a musician as well as an art teacher”
“Ah, only a few know his class is actually art-slash-music. Nichole invited you?” Josh wondered a little about it. Had she invited him? or was he being some kind of stalker? would she think he was being a stalker? she didn´t exactly invite him but she said she wouldn’t mind, no, actually she had said that Mike wouldn´t mind
“She mentioned it”
“Will she tutor you? -Josh looked away for a second- aw I see that you haven’t convinced her yet” his expression gave him away. “All right, Art with Mike” the teacher wrote a note and told him to go to that class and give the note to Mike.

 When Josh got to the classroom the students there were doing their paintings or practicing in front of music sheets. A brunette man was talking to Nichole and she was nodding, he guessed that was Mike since after that he went to another student and gave comments on her painting.

 “Won’t you come in?” Mike said while showing another student how to get a note in his guitar. Josh came in and noticed all eyes were on him but Nic was still very focused on her painting. She must be mad at me, he thought. He handed the note to Mike who instructed him, as Nichole had done a while ago, to go and take a guitar. Being the new guy he was asked to show his skills so far and was complimented on them. There was no chance to talk to Nichole.

 “Here” she said handing him her chemistry notebook, right at the end of the class
“Nic, thanks. Hey listen I...”
“Later Josh” she said and left. Is she mad at me, but if she is why is she still giving me her notes? he wondered.

 At a quarter to four Josh was in front of Nic´s building entrance. “I have to apologize” he said to himself. He entered the doors.
 “Can I go and see Nichole Cristales?” he asked the woman there. She was the leader/supervisor/authority at that particular building.
 “Does she know you´re coming?”
“I want to surprise her” The woman observed him for a while as if deciding what to do next. She was remembering the time when Nichole was leaning on him...he never came down she thought.
“Does her father approve of you?” that´s blunt and so out of context, he thought.
“He does” he quickly lied
“Do you know that he´ll know about this?”
“Naturally” he said calm on the outside, worried that he could get Nichole into trouble.
“ok” the woman extended her arm in an inviting motion. He knocked her door, then he knocked again and called her name. No answer. He thought he heard footsteps inside but when he listen carefully they were gone. He decided to leave through the emergency exit like last time, he didn’t feel like seeing the woman downstairs.

 ****
Josh, Aaron, Michele and Brighton got to a fancy house after three hours. Michelle was very talkative and Josh wasn’t sure if she had a fetish for twins or if she just wanted attention since she was flirting with both of them.

The twin´s father introduced them to the host of the party, the wife and two daughters. The daughters were exactly like their mother: pretty, elegant but with a diminishing gaze, not everybody seemed to be at their level; however, they seemed to be ok with the twins as soon as they were formally introduced by their father as the sons of his father possible business partner. They knew their father wouldn’t be making business with the twin´s dad if the man wasn’t important or wealthy. They danced and they were actually nice, smart, but their diminishing gaze was a flaw in them that vanished all their good qualities. Michelle was forced to dance with Brighton when she wanted to dance with the twins but Ash and Jess as they insisted to be called had them busy.

 ****
It was a pain to be dressed in that white fitted dress, she loved the black long gloves though. She was used to “work” on her usual black clothes that were not a dress but those had been her instructions “wear what´s in the box on the bed” and the content of the box was what she was wearing now. Along with the dress and various accessories there was a picture and description of the target, information that she burned after read. She spot him. A woman to both his sides, the kind that would do anything for money but do not consider themselves a prostitute. He was looking at the feminine forms around him. His eyes were perverse yet he was among the “finest” people and he was one of them. “What money gets...” she sighed. She advanced walking ahead, the man´s gaze found her and he wanted her just like he had wanted the two women that now he displayed beside him. He moved to her and she felt disgusted.

 Her feline way of walking tickled the man´s desire. Purposely and well practiced she pretended not to notice him and he thought she had not seen him coming to her when she started to walk in an opposite direction. He walked faster, he had to talk to her, he was convinced money could get him everything, everyone. Sure, she looked underage, but weren´t the two he already had like that at some point? He walked faster behind her. She had such a gracious way of walking. She took off her right glove, and when she advanced a man grabbed her nude hand, he thought “I got you my little prey” and she heard it. “You´re the prey in this game” she answered back, in thoughts.

 A fleeting life. The girl wore her glove again. The man fall over his face. The girl kept walking. People gathered around. The ambulance was called. A tragedy, a fine man had suddenly died of a heart-attack. Both his companions shedding fake tears, thinking of his will, were they in it?

 At the commotion of the dead guy Josh had escaped from the girls’ attention, they were being only good to them after they knew who they were. Aaron disliked that too but there was Michelle for him; however, three girls who are fighting politely for boys’ attention was tiring for Josh, to Aaron it was like watching some kind of a contest, amusing. Josh had wandered around, a little hungry, looking for the kitchen. When he finally found it he couldn’t believe his eyes.

out of make-up

once again, Im thinking that idea of creating an after-cry make-up thing lol ok, this time I dont need it so badly like before because I already had close to no hope this time...
I said I was not paying my house this month, I did, I went and ask how much was it and turns out they hadnt increased the monthly pay yet, idk, but surely next month they will -sigh-
Mom kept nagging me to ask for that loan to my afternoon boss, she hadnt been around to talk and I didnt want to ask her for that. Embarased, today I talked to her, she said no. I was close to no hope, I thought I had no hope but it seems I had a little bit and now, I have no hope.

I came home, while I was driving home I was crying, I made myself stop before comming home and my eyes were ok but mom noticesd... of course she did and of course she asked, even after I told her I didnt want to talk about it, she just kept asking and asking and asking and tears scaped my eyes. "Somebody must have rejected her" brother said -he was joking- "yeah, maybe that´s it" mom said. "That lezzy must have rejected her" he said again. "Ha! is that what happened -mom said- does it hurt to get rejected by a woman? I wouldnt know, since it´s all twisted who knows what´s the deal in that" --joking again? well, I dont care about their comments like that... "mom, it´s the same, feelings are the same, no matter if they´re directed towards a man or a woman..." I commented quietly. She kept asking me and looking at me straight to the eye.

"fine, fine -I said- I talked to my boss and she said no" more tears scaped my eyes, I was trying so hard not to cry.
"but why? what happened? what did she said?"  I wonder why does she feel that she has to ask me for reason that dont matter at all, the outcome was a "no" so what matters what happened in between specially if all that hurts me.
"please just take that answer, ok?, dont ask me more"   she didnt ask more but her eyes were piercing my face and  I know she wants to ask and she will eventually, she went downstairs where father was... and a few minutes later I hear her telling all that to my father, in the loudest voice ever. Nice, I thought, go around spreading my pain, talking about it to everybody, who cares if it hurts me? I wish she had at least be more quiet when telling him that so that I didnt have to listen... but no, things are never my way.

I told her, early, before she told her husband that I was quitting that, that I was not going to keep trying, that Im sorry for them loosing so much money and me loosing money on that but I just cant do it, that I shouldnt have paid this month because I could´ve used that money on me but she said to pay it and today again she said, that I must pay next month no matter the amount... than in a month we could have a solution... right... I dont have more time to get a third job, Im already working ten hours or something, my health is getting worse...Im tired and sad all the time I just cant do it and there´s no solution ,not for the ones like me... w/e seems like this is what it is...

Double Life: Short Temper

“Watch where your´re going” Nichole said to a guy that had poked her wound with his elbow. Instinctively, she pushed him a bit... maybe a bit more than just a bit.
“Who are you to push me?” the boy said and invaded her personal space which usually freaked her out, though no one would´ve figured she was panicking.
“Move” she ordered and tried to pass but he didn’t let her “just move, please” she said nicely yet firm this time, keeping her cool.
“or...?” the boy said trying to annoy her and prove her he had control. He was trying to intimidate her.
“Let me go” she said again and tried to go the other way. No success. The boy smirked, She sighed and in a fluid move she pushed the base of her hand to the boy´s nose, he was shocked by the blow that made him move. Immediately after it, he grabbed his nose between his hand. She ran, and ran fast. Josh saw her pass and went the opposite direction, towards the rest room. A few meters ahead, after the corner, he saw Aaron with a group of boys.

“Hi” he greeted, when he saw the boy with watery eyes and his hand over his face “what happened to you?” he asked.
“That freak who broke my nose hit him” Aaron responded
“Nichole hit you?” Josh incredulously asked to the boy “why?”
“I don’t know! who the heck she is? the boy’s voice came muffled “She´s crazy, she just pushed me and hit me but she´ll see...” the boy threatened an absent Nichole
“You better leave it -another boy said, he had years in hat school unlike Aaron , Josh or the boy -she....well, she just snaps like that whenever she pleases and...”
“Isn’t this school supposed to kick you out if you pull up shit like that?” Aaron asked mad -he was still angry at her for his broken nose but Josh had convinced him of leaving things alone.
“Well, yeah but I guess she comes from a important family -he made a money gesture with his hand- plus... haven’t you heard -all the boys got close to hear- she killed her room mate a few years ago and that´s why she doesn’t have one and truth to be told no body wants to be near her”
 “Oh, come on! -exclaimed Josh a bit exasperated, he was making seem Nichole like a monster- how could she had killed her room mate, and if she had done it, wouldn’t she be out of this school, expelled? more over, in jail or wherever young criminals go?”
“I’m just telling you what my room mate said, he´s been here as long as she´s been here and he was here when it happened and since then she hasn’t have another roommate, which is weird because everybody is supposed to have one”
“I don’t have one- Josh said- does that mean that I could also kill my room mate?”
“No -the boy punched Josh´s shoulder lightly- that is because you are living in the new building, it was finished this year so not all the rooms are full yet, same for the girls new building and that’s the weir part, she didn’t have a room mate even then when there were not enough rooms that they even made a new building”

The boys commented and added on how weird the girl was and kept adding to the story of “her snapping like that” whenever she pleased
“You´re exaggerating guys” Josh said, in the back of his mind he thought of Nichole bringing her father to make the lady in her building ignore his presence.
“Why are you defending her?” the boy with the punched face asked
“Are you crushing on her-Aaron teased him- geez! Josh why do you always crush on weirdos or needies? “Shut up Aaron! I’m not crushing on her, we just got here!” -And she saved my life he said to himself... someone that saves another person can´t be bad, right, he added to his thoughts. Aaron was about to say something but a girl grabbed his arm

“Are you sitting on our table today?” she smiled obviously flirting.
 “Sure, let´s go” he motioned to all the group of boys but looked to his brother
“Go on, I´ll catch up to you later”
 “Josh” Aaron said and Josh knew he was implying again that he had developed a crush on Nichole
“Later” Josh said and went the opposite direction of the boys.He didn’t see Nichole again that day.

***
 “Are you ok?” Josh asked Nichole while the class was solving some exercises the math teacher had assigned.
“Are you?” she said pointing to the exercise sheet
“Im ...working” he said with a grin, she smiled in return “but are you....healed?” he pressed the subject.
“it´s all good again. Remind me to give you the rest of my notes after my art class ok?”
“Art class? I didn’t know we had an art class” she half smiled
“we don’t, I have... and I assume you don’t have a class since you followed me last time” she teased
 “...and so this time you´re inviting me instead?”he felt a little embarrassed at her teasing but he couldn’t let it show.
“If you want to go, you’re free to go, I guess Mike wont mind” before he could ask who mike was she got up with her notebook and worksheet in hand and went to the teacher´s desk. She was done and he was barely in the middle of it as the rest of the group.
 “How do you do that?” he asked as soon as she got back
“What?” she said grabbing her i-pod from her bag
“Finishing so fast!”
 “Ah, mom... good with numbers...she taught me” she turned around and left the room. You were allowed to leave the room if you finished the assignments early.

 “Mister Arlington -the teacher said when he handed his exercise page- you need to caught up with the rest, I strongly recommend you to find a tutor”. The majority of the students had finished their work, the leaving class earlier was a big incentive. There were just a few students left behind, Josh among them. “I’ve noticed you and Nichole are in friendly terms, so you could ask for her help, I think it would be good for both of you” The teacher smiled pleased at his good idea, he wanted Josh to get help and Nic to get more friends, or friend being more accurate. Josh remained silent “I´d like you to do that as soon as possible... I know you are new but that´s only one more reason to try harder” Josh nodded and left the room.

 He walked down the hall. “She´s too weird” he mumbled thinking on the bits of information she had about her, the rumors he had heard from the boy about the reason for her not having roommate.
“Who´s weird?” a voice startled him. He looked in the direction of the voice. It was Nichole
“You appear at the oddest times!”
“ah... so you were indeed talking about me”
“What? how did you know that?” she laughed as they walked together without direction
“I didn’t” he blushed deeply. They walked in silence for a while and then she walked faster than him so after a short time she was a couple of steps ahead.

 “I need a math tutor” he said, speaking louder than normal
“There´s a list of available tutors on the library” she said without looking back. He walked faster to walk next to her again
“Are you in that list?”
“Nope” They got to the lunch line in the cafeteria
“Wouldn’t you like to be in it?”
“Nope” A girl tried to get in the line, right before Nichole “Don’t dare” she said, the girl looked her up and down and huffed, Nic ignored her. When the girl saw Josh she smiled.

“Aaron!” she said. It was annoying when people thought he was his twin but Josh was used to that, no body ever noticed the small differences between them
“Aaron doesn’t have a mole at the end of his eyebrow” Nichole said to the girl. She figured it was annoying for twins to be confused like that. The girl stared at Josh who stared at Nichole
“You noticed?” he said to Nichole
“You´re twins?” the girl asked overly excited for some reason. The line had advance and Nichole was already leaving with her food tray.
 “Yeah” he said hurriedly and run behind Nichole leaving an angry, not used to be ignored Michelle.

Nichole was fast even with a food tray but he was able to keep up to her this time. She didn’t stay at the cafeteria but went outside to one table close to a tree. When she saw him she half smiled and shook her head a little.
“You ignored Michelle? bad for me...”
“eh?”
 “Where´s your lunch?”
“I... eh...” he didn’t want to say he had forgotten it to come after her.
“Here” she said giving him her extra slice of pizza and and apple “it doesn´t look like a good combination but, hey, you should eat fruits or vegetables in every meal, right?” she laughed “Don´t you want it?” she asked when he just stood there watching her.
“ah, no, I mean, yes, I want it, thank you” she smiled again
“You´re really funny”
“I live to make people laugh” he said sarcastically but glad at the same time “did you bring this food...?”
“For you? -Nic saved him the trouble to finish the question- no, not really, I just eat a lot -Josh made a look that clearly said: I don’t believe you to her- yeah I eat a lot and what I don’t eat I just save for dinner.... sometimes I just can’t get on time...”
“Why did you said it was bad that I ignored..what´s her name?”
“Michelle... and only because she wouldn’t forgive any girl that robes her the spotlight and you left her there when she was flirting with you”
“She thought I was Aaron” he said dryly
 “I bet he doesn´t ignore her”
 “By looking at the way that you never pay attention to classes one would think that you are not a very observatory person but it seems that it´s the opposite”
“ha! what a way to give compliments... and here i thought you wanted me to be your tutor because I payed attention to classes but anyways I don’t need to pay that much attention to notice your brother´s character” she lifted and eyebrow
“But you do need to pay attention to notice Aaron doesn´t have a mole and, I do want you to be my tutor” She seemed like she was going to say something but she didn´t, not for a while.

“You don’t want me as your tutor, there´s a lot of good tutors in the library´s list, they know how to teach stuff...”
“Your notes are flawless and easy to get, you just need to explain me that”
“I need?” her eyebrow went up again
“I mean, you´d just have to explain me that” he blushed.
 “I...” she started to talk when her phone rang.

She picked it up, just like the first time he had seen her on the phone, she din´t talk just listened and her eyes became ice, her smile was lost. After a few minutes of listening she hung up.
 “Is everything ok?”
 “Yeah...”

“Josh! -an excited Aaron called his twin- we´re going to a party tonight!”
“What? aren´t we here grounded or something?”
“We are, man, but this time, dad´s making us go because the business partner that he wants invite his family to his party and.. guess what´s the best part! we can take someone with us! -he answered his own question” Josh´s gaze went quickly for a second to Nichole. Aaron noticed it and quickly spoke: “No weirdos ok? plus I already invited Michelle and Brighton”
“You´re and asshole Aaron -he turned to see Nic and apologize, Aaron had seen her when he spoke before, but she wasn’t there anymore- what? when did she go? You´re so stupid Aaron!”
“Oh, come on! she broke my nose, hit Brighton, killed her roommate and yet you still like her? I’m your brother she´s just some creepy girl you met”
“Go away Aaron, I don’t want to see you”
 “Fuck you, Josh, all that for a girl that doesn’t even pay any attention to you! moreover you ditch the ones that do pay attention to you” Josh got up and faced his twin, pushing him away.
 “Now you wanna fight me?” Aaron half-yelled, his stance ready to push back and hit first.
“Right, to what school we´ll be going this time? you should have a list of schools that would take a trouble-maker by now.” Josh´s gaze pierced into his twin´s eyes. Aaron´s short temper had gave him the label of trouble-maker and got him kicked out of their prior school, despite that, his twin´s angry words disarmed him, he knew it was because of him that they had been exiled from home. Though Josh had never said a thing he, too, was feeling unwanted and all of it was his fault. “It´s my fault and I treat him like this” he thought to himself while lowering his head, a clear gesture of surrender.

“I´m sorry” he said quietly, his head still lowered. No answer. When he lifted his head the piercing angry gaze of his brother was still there. “I´ll apologize to her” he said looking to a side. Josh sighed, he knew how hard it was for his brother to apologize and he also knew that he was feeling guilty due to the reference of him being the cause of them being there, and even though he had deserved it, it hadn’t feel right.
“At the very least” he said holding his anger a bit more though it had died when his brother´s stance changed to one of surrender. He turned to leave, he wanted to get to the classroom before people came in to apologize to Nic without any eyes to witness it.
“I´ll apologize at the car” Aaron smiled. He knew Josh would want to invite her to the party. “The car will be here at four, don’t put on too much make up”
“The one who takes a long time to get ready is you”

hours

wow! I´ve written three more pages of "double life" ha! it´s an accomplishment even though it took me 3 hours to write them hahah the inspiration came little by little but Im glad with what I got. now, to edit -at some point today or tomorrow- I like how the story is progressing so far. I do not have much vision of where it´s going to end but it´s going I guess.

Wandering is a whole another thing, Anna´s ending -I mean the story ending- is constantly changing so much that it´s overwhelming! I wish I had more time to write... or more inspiration to write faster hahaha

Te pienso.

Te pienso. Los viernes te pienso. Te cuelas con el aire y me llenas los pulmones.
Te siento. Al ver tan solo tu nombre te siento. Te atraviesas en mi ombligo, me mueves.
Amanece y estas presente, te has vuelto sello de agua. Como agua no te puedo retener.
Mantengo mis ojos centrados en derrames de tinta, en voces pasajeras, en ambiciones vanas y en dolores absurdos. Ahí estás al fondo, vigilante, como humo, como cielo.
Pocas horas puedo observar el cielo, pocas horas mis ojos se apartan de la frivolidad de la existencia terrestre.  Esas horas me perteneces, esas horas me pertenezco, te tengo presente. Los viernes, los viernes te pienso.
Una burbuja, un aroma, una luna... tus regalos, efimeramente eternos. Los clavas a mi cuerpo.
Tus manos me hablan, me sacas los ojos. Te derramas en blancas invisibles fibras al tiempo que cual Sansón me cortas el cabello y yo, sonrío. Es viernes, te pienso.

I think of you.

I think of you. I think of you on fridays. You sneak in with the air to fill my lungs.
I feel you. Your written name makes me feel you. Going through my navel, you move me.
The sun rises, there you are, water mark you are. Like water I can´t hold you.
My eyes are focused on ink stains, fleeting voices, vain ambitions and ridiculous pains. There you are on the background, watching, like smoke, like the sky.
Only for a few hours I can look up at the sky, for a few hours my eyes look away from the frivolity of being alive. During those hours you belong to me, during those hours, I belong to myself, I have you in my mind. Fridays, I think of you on fridays.
A bubble, a scent, a moon... your gifts, fleetingly eternal. You pin them to my body.
Your hands talk to me, you pull out my eyes. You melt yourself in white invisible fibers while like Samson you cut off my hair and I, I smile. It´s friday I´m thinking of you.

there should be an "after-cry" make-up or something...

I just don´t know what´s wrong with me! Why am I not the one I used to be? things are the same, life is the same, my world did fall apart and then I got a new one from the ashes of the prior one but, life´s like that, Im very aware of that, but how come only the bad parts of me came with me to this new "world" of mine? ah? whre´s the strong, organized, set-to-the goal girl that I used to be? .... instead I´m just shadows and tears.

NOT WORTH READING SO JUST SKIP TO SOME OTHER POST, PLZ ---if anybody ever reads this stuff.... w/e

I was planning on making this post like my usual rants: a bunch of un-specific words related to how I feel, and by reading the first paragraph one could see  I was nailing it... but now, Im other, no Im the same boring me but right when I was finishing the first paragraph mom knocks on the door dressed as a dark angel -not literally, of course- and taking the word "dark" as an anticipation of bad news or similar to that.

Since this morning, actually before that, I´ve been sad because Im troubled. This month I won´t be paying my brand new house, nope, my salary is not enough, and by that I mean that the monthly pay of the house exceeds my salary but aprox 20% if Im practical it exceeds my budget by a 50% since I need to have money for gas and food at the very least and I have to have certain food for my diet else I just go and pass a night a the hospital. Why is healthy food so expensive??

Father and therefore mother thinks I dont get the solution because Im pretty much stupid and let go oportunities -ok they have never said Im stupid but that´s how what they say makes me feel- they just basically want me to get a loan from one of my bosses wich by the way just re-hired me two days ago.... if I do get that fucking loan I´d be not only paying it but also the mmmm what´s it called? mmm mortgage I think that I´d b also getting so... I´d be pretty much working my ass off to pay both of those things of course to keep that beautiful house in which I just cant live until the time I pay the full price of it because it´s too far from both my jobs and I cant quit them and find one close because I need the money to pay in the first place.

Why the heck did I get the house in the first place then? well, ´cause Im an idiot who apparently thinks too much of herself, quite simple... right. Actually supposedly I was going to be able to pay for it but turns out that business are like that, somehow the monthly pay is more than what it was supposed to be but of course there was the little print that was invisible who said that could happen and by "could" they meant it was going to happen... and well, Im alone, no one can help me, before I thought to ask help from my mother but, awesome, mom got fired from one of her jobs and she´s loaded with debts that father made her get into and father, I just can put my hopes on him, he´s been jobless for the past what? 3 or 4 years but of course he just has his "you should do this and that to get a better job" phrases but he seems unable to get one... which only add to my problems... awesome! mom cant pay for everything and the only other person working is me... so yeah, money comes from my wallet to pay for stuff  yet my father says he "doesnt know what I do with all the money I make"

God! I feel so useless and stupid and just down on the ground with the weight of the world -perhaps that´s an exaggeration though- but yeah, I shouldnt have taken that house, I dont know why I thought I was going to be able to make it, not with my carreer. I feel so guilty that I let my mom do some investments/renovations to it and now it might go to waste I feel so bad that father lost the downpayment money and the money that he spent to put furniture to my bedroom there... I feel so guilty that their big hopes and dreams and expectations they had of me are not going to become true because Im just too ulseless.... I guess they think too much of me thinking that I can do great things, that I can be settled at a young age and I guess I´ve dissappointed myself once again thinking that I can do more than what I actually can do.

I guess I´ll end up asking for that freaking loan to my boss, n I´ll feel totally embarrased, but Im going to try for them, for mom, and my boss probably will give it to me or not but in the end I just know in my heart that it wont work and there will be even more to loose and yet, without a thing to hold as the product of my work I´ll be unable to dissappear... yeah, such is life... living without actually living....

And somebody should create and "after-cry" make-up ´cause I need to make my eyes and my ugly nose seem as if I havent been crying, ´cause I have a meeting tomorrow... ´cause I had to go to the store and everybody saw my red eyes and ugly red nose.... but of course I have to embarrass myself like that showing how weak I am as well as make myself uglier with those swallow eyes that I will have tomorrow.

But I just want to drown in sadness, I guess Im hitting depression soon since lately I dont even want to get up from bed and I just want to sleep, I dont want to talk to anybody or see anybody, I dont even want to do the things that I like and inspiration rarely comes to me... but most of all I just dont want to listen that everything is going to be ok, that God is great and will help me, that there is a purpose to what´s going on, that I´ll become stronger due to this, that life´s gonna get better, I just dont want to hear shit like that because it´s not true, life is what it is. I dont want to hear that stuff that ppl say -n that I´ve said at times too- just to apeace others because it´s not true and I dont want to pretend that I think that way as well, I just dont want fake shit. I just want to sleep forever. And yeah, seeing the real me is kinda scary but w/e this is what it is... I´ve had enough of fake smiles and possitive thinking. That´s just useless shit.

Bubbles

Bursting bubbles:

plop-plop-plop

Fantasies are dying. 

They were never meant to last

They were born as fragil beauties.

Double Life: Sewing buttons

They walked like that. At the entrance there was the woman in charge. “My father send you his regards” Nic said in an implying tone, forcing herself to have her usual demeanor. The woman blushed and turned around as if she hadn’t seen a thing but with the corner of her eye she followed them. Nichole forced herself to step all the stairs to the second floor but half way through she couldn’t. Josh carried her up. Luckily at this time in the morning no one was in the hallways.
 “Where to?” Josh asked
 “At the end” she said motioning the last door in the hallway. Once they were inside he placed her on the bed and tried to take off her shoes. she didn’t let him. “Just go, go, please” she begged
“No! you have a fever... let me help you”
“Don’t touch me!” she tried to yell “don’t get near me”
“I.. I won’t do anything to you but you should take off that jacket and gloves” He was really concerned but wasn’t sure what to do, he didn’t want to invade her privacy. From Nichole´s point of view he was getting closer to her and she knew she was not going to be able to resist and stay awake much more time.
 “All right, all right -she said shaking due to the fever- I need you to go to the bathroom and get me the aid-kit there” He went, when he came back she had taken off her jacket. He noticed her shirt was stained with blood
 “What happened to you?” she half smiled
“Have you ever sewn a button?”
“eh?” what that has to do with anything- he thought- she´s so random.

 It was one of the scariest experiences for him. She unbuttoned her shirt and there it was a large cut, bleeding. She made him clean it and then stitched it. His hand were shaking but he tried not to. She didn’t scream nor cry, she just closed her eyes tight every time the needle went in her skin and then opened them again to instruct him what to do next. Eight stitches, they both had to endure that. Once it was over she asked him to go again. He refused it.
“No matter what, do not touch me ok?” and with those words she closed her eyes tighter as if the pain was getting worse. She laid motionless for a while, barely breathing, after a while she fall asleep. She seemed to had bad dreams but when the day was turning night she started to talk in her sleep “no, no, no please, no” she begged crying “don’t make me do it, please, please. Nooo” she yelled. Her body twisted and her features contorted in pain. Josh wanted to wake her but he had promised not to touch her. She kept crying in her sleep and he started to get closer and called her name. “Guilty? no!” she whispered and her eyes went open. He saw Josh close to her

“I told you not to touch me!” she yelled angry, her eyes wet.
“I- I didn’t I just called your name. You were having nightmares” she looked away and sighed
“I’m sorry I …”
“What happened to you?” he asked worried
“It´s unimportant. You must go”
“Look at you! I should´ve taken you to the infirmary...” he raised his voice
“I apologize...I can’t do anything more”
“Yes, you can! you can tell me what happened!”
“I...” she started to talk when her phone rang. She took it out of her pocket and listened to it.

“Gone” she said as an answer. “Because I got a cold” was her next answer. “Can´t” she reply later. Some one started to yell. It was a male´s voice. “He cut me with a blade -she saw Josh while saying this- the nurse would ask too many questions...” The male voice kept yelling, she stayed quiet until she hung up.

 “Someone will come in a while to check on me... it´s best if you go. Thank you for everything” she said. Her eyes were watery.
“Will this person stay with you?”
“Of course not” she huffed
“Then no, I wont go”
“Stop it! just go! why don’t you go?!” she was on the verge of tears now
“You saved my life. I owe you this but more than that I want to help”
 “How stupid!” and she couldn’t contain her tears anymore. When he walked towards her, she held up a single finger to ask him to stay where he was. She closed her eyes and lowered her head, placed her hands over her temples and breathed slowly. Once she opened her eyes and saw him again she was another person, her eyes were a bit swallow but she seemed harsh and cold, all trace of emotion was gone from her eyes and face. This was the second time he had seen her do that. It was unbelievable that she could pull herself together despite all that she had gone through.

 After a couple of hours, Josh heard a knock on the door, then steps and then a voice greeting. He couldn’t see the person since the closet was too dark. She had instructed him to hide there and to look to the wall. “Nichole, your father was very upset. What happened?” Nichole didn’t answer “All right, let me see you”. There was the sound of fabric, clothes being removed. “For God´s sake, did you do this alone?”

Josh started to panic thinking that maybe he´d done something wrong with the stitches. Nichole didn’t answer again. For a while the scene was the same: Josh hidden in the darkness of Nic´s closet, the woman asking questions to Nic that were not answered. “Take care of yourself, ok?” she said and then there was the door sound. She had left. Josh didn’t move, his mind was blank, he didn’t know what to think... the answers she gave on the phone were so strange, he couldn’t stop replaying them on his head trying to figure out what they meant exactly.

 “You can come out now” Nic said dryly. He obeyed.
“I’m sorry that you couldn’t talk to..., who was she anyways?"
“Do not worry about her... she just helps me with... -she looked down at her wound, Josh furrowed his eyebrows wanting to ask again what had happened and why she didn’t want to go to the infirmary and above all who was the man that called, yelled at her but he understood that she didn’t want to talk about it and that perhaps she wasn’t used to have someone to talk to, after all , even though he had only been in the school for a few days he hadn’t seen her hanging out with any body besides himself. “No girl friends like every other girl that are always going in groups, like birds, yeah they are very much like birds or guys, even them have a group to hang out... now that I think about it -he thought- I am being just like her... except that first day that I got late due to Aaron’s friends.. I hadn’t been around many people though some girls seemed to be interested in me...maybe...they were- he hesitated at that part of his thoughts.

“you should go” Nichole´s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “Because of me you´ve lost not only todays morning classes but lunch as well... now you´ll have to buy something else instead... and you might loose dinner again” she sighed and her voice sounded tired and distant “There are some chocolate bars in the desk drawer... I think there are some other candies there too and cookies maybe... just go and take anything you want” her eyes were close and Josh could notice she was in pain.
“Does it hurt much?” he asked getting up from the chair he was seated on and going to the desk she pointed. There were indeed many candies and chocolate bars as well as some bills....not a small amount.
“duh!” she said and opened her eyes, a smile playing in her lips. I didn’t reach her eyes though.
“Do you want some cookies?” he asked, she shook her head , no. “You should eat something”.
 “You should do it too”. He couldn’t fight that
“then let´s go and get something to eat”
“mmm -she hummed- I´ pass...I´d rather not walk for now”.
“ok, I´ll go and bring something for you to eat”.
“don’t be silly -her eyes still closed, her right hand over her head, still laying on the bed- there´s no way you´d be able to come in again, you were lucky to get in here the first time kid” Again there was that playful tone in her voice, Josh wasn’t sure how she managed to pretend to be teasing him as if nothing had happened to her and then to go back to her emotionless demeanor...
 “Just go and have lunch I promise I´ll eat something later, ok?” she spoke again, maybe just to make him go. He got to his feet again and left a chocolate bar next to her. When she felt him she flinched, maybe she was afraid of getting hurt
 “It´s ok, just wanted to leave this clos- she stared at him and followed every movement he made as if she didn’t trust him and since she was making so much effort to make him go he decided to grant her wish.
“See you later”, he said and turned to leave.
“Take the emergency exit, I mean the fire latter ok?....that door has no fire alarm, but you gotta make it to the end of the hall”she instructed .
 “See you at later” he said again and left.

flowers -II

 These lillies were a present -not a present to me- but a present anyways. They were so beautiful.

 I just love flowers, they´re so beautiful but quite practical... there´s not a single person who doesn´t like them

 and they just don´t mind if they´re liked or not, though because of their beauty they get cut...and die eventually

and no matter what they fight to keep their pretty colors and nice smell... I like them.

I love you

My mother was cleaning her shoes, putting them in order, she was squatted down. I bent and hugged her. I was very shaken after our conversation. It´s not easy to reveal or confirm a secret and feel vulnerable about the outcome. She didnt hug me back but she got up, turned around and then she hugged me. "I love you and I just want you to be happy" she said, I started sobbing and as she repeated it I couldnt help but crying but I cried like a child, I felt so vulnerable and moved by her words. She kept hugging me "maybe that´s how God is, He hugs us and tells us that he loves us and want us to be happy" she said and I just kept crying until I forced myself to stop. 

I am so grateful for my mother, despite her disagreement with my point of view she is willing to deal with it and despite that  I know that I´ve disappointed her she didnt say a thing, she just said she loves me. I dont want her to feel sad because of me though, that´s what makes me feel bad and would make me do whatever it takes to make her happy but it seems that she feels that way about me too since she wants me to be happy and I want to be happy but right now I just feel sad for making her sad. I feel conforted by her words though.

Help

You have to help me to be strong,
You have to help me to hold on,
I have no one but you to be there for me
and give me support
I really need you here
to take away the fear
Please be always near
I beg you for light in my life
A bright light to be a nife
to cut the darkness
that I feel inside.

first day of the year

wow! Can´t believe it´s another year...but of course I can, since that the course of life, one day comes and goes...and this is just another day.

I woke up in a new bed in my very own place. That draw a smile in me. I pray  to God to help me find a way to keep it because my options are gone and I like it here.
In a day or two I have to go back to work I want to have energy for that, I want to put all my energy into that so that I can stop wasting energy in useless stuff. I want to do good there I want to help the kids there.
I want to be healthy and that might be the hardest struggle this year because I need to start by my state of mind and for some reason Im usually more on the sad side than the cheerful one.
Last night I got a call, well like five, but I didnt answer, I didnt know to whom that number belonged and it was around 1 in the morning and though it´s the tradition to go to bed way past midnight the last day of the year, I was feeling down last night so I went to bed rather early for the tradition but I got some texts wishing me a good year and I hope those wishes come true...
I want to go back to college for another major this year, Im not so optimistic in having the economic posibilities for it but maybe a miracle will happen. I want to believe it.
I want to learn to drive a stardar car and not only an automatic one -hahaha

I need a miracle. God I need you.