no risks to take

I love rain...
but I had never felt it on me...
never the pleasure of the caressing drops on my skin...
never...
no risks to take...
always indoors, pressing my hands against the glass...
only looking outside...
no feeling at all...
never...
no risks to take...

Fallen angel

Chapter 4***Pain***

The park was still our place. He had stopped his hugs, something that he had been doing every time I came there, every time I left, every time in between those two, he didn’t need that much of a contact to collect energy anymore, he had learned to control both of his natures so, now he was able to collect energy from chaos and from goodness. I pretended it didn’t bothered me but I missed his hugs though I have never told him that. Sometimes he does hug me, and it feels good but it is not as frequent as before. I have certain theories about this but it´s worthless to think too much about it.

One day, we had been  friends for a little more than six month, we were at our place, the park, he was talking and feeding of my energy –the pure one, as he called it- he was a bit of a glutton, he had fed a lot, though I didn’t mind him being close. There was a voice, a girly voice. He stopped talking as if interrupted by a thunder.

“I had imagine you were the one” the woman said. She was a pretty brunette with dark eyes and cinnamon-color skin.

“Shiloe” he whispered. A mix of feelings in him. I sensed it.

“they told me I was going to find the new prince near a pure energy source” she said looking down at me. I didn’t care. “I see they were right”

“they?” Ayon said

“of course, do you think the king of us, demons, doesn’t know about you, or do you think HE, your former leader, the one you´ve betrayed doesn’t know his servant is now a fallen angel, therefore a prince of hell?”

“HE?!” distress in his voice. They were talking about God and the devil, they both knew about Ayon´s nature. “of couse HE must know, HE knows it all” Ayon said and sighed

“sure they know, you silly! And I´m here to take you with me. You´ll be a fine warrior to the chaos” she said smirking “I won´t be your servant though…awh! I´m almost jealous that now you are more powerfull than me”

“a fine warrior?”

“of course, what else” Shiloe said  “you know, once you embrace your nature publically and loose the last feathers you have you´ll be stronger… though right now you kind of are” she said frowning

“what do you mean?”

“you almost beat me last time, oh! Don’t look me that way! I was your last mission I was the one behind everything, all to bring you home, but you were so into your target that you didn’t noticed me… I was a bad bate I guess” she sighed faking dissapointment “that is why this time the king send me all alone to take you”

“but…but I…” he flushed and leaned his face towards the floor.

“I know Ayon, you are a fallen angel because of me, you know? I´ll tell you a secret –she winked- I tried every way to make you fall but in the end it was your own good loving heart that did it”  her voice had a hint of amusement mixed with pride

“y-you tried… you knew?”

“of course I tried to make you loose your wings and halo, it was my personal mission to bring  home a powerfull angel like Ayon, one that´ll produce strong heirs, after all not many can succeed at it, so I´m quite honored” she said proudly “however I didn’t know that it was your own heart that made you fall, it is so perfect, you know, you are so strong yet so weak, right now, you could kill me, a command and I could do it myself yet you rather kill your self than harm me” she smirked again.

He loved her purely and she didn’t care about it, it was a game for her. I could see his heart was broken. I could feel his soul crumbling inside of him. Shiloe had been everything to him, to the point of changing his angelic nature to become one like her, unconsciously of course.

After a moment, he was gazing at her, his expression hard. She extended her hand. He didn’t move.

“you´d better come” she said “soon they´ll know, all of them, let´s save them time and pain” she was pure evil.

“go away” Ayon said sounding hard

“let´s talk about it, like we used to talk” she said with a smile, clearly using herself as a weapon to destroy his spirit.

“I have nothing to talk to you, go away” he said and closed his eyes. Pain I sensed it.

She looked at me and giggled then she said “it´s amazing girl!” he met her gaze, but she was talking to me this time “you knew he loved me so you didn’t rejected me at first but now your comptempt almost annoys me” Shiloe said wrinkling her nose “I wish I could say it is because you are not a pure source of energy but he doesn’t seem to feel weak or annoyed while feeding so eagerly of you to hold himself together, so that must mean I´m the only demon you dislike, I´ve never seen one pure source do that…”

“go away!” I interrupted her and then I turned to Ayon and I hugged him tightly. He just closed his eyes. He was tired.

“Eimi” he said and sighed. We didn’t looked but I´m sure both of us felt the moment when she left.

She was still in his heart, I knew it, it was imposible to  think otherwise ´cause he had really loved her and that kind of love does not go away so easily, maybe it never goes away.

From that moment on, it was like some part of him had died or maybe he had enclosed that side. He didn’t talk about her anymore and when for some reason her name or something related to her came out he acted indifferent, as if he didn’t care for her anymore but I could see in his eyes that he was far from being over her though I didn’t said anything I felt it was better if I drop the topic and forget about that name so that he could forget a bit of the pain he was feeling. I was there for him, I wished that could be enough but I knew it meant nothing. Still I stayed by his side, as he stayed by mine.

Beautiful

warm, warm, warm

soft, calming, easiness

eyes close, skin contact

smiles...

feather, sky, fragrance

light, sweet, breath

all interwoven to make

a masterpiece

closeness, care and love.

Beautiful!

mirage

I cant see anymore, my eyes dont work anymore...
I see two differente things at once
I feel two different things at once
tenderness and comptent
so intense
my heart aches

am I just watching a mirage?
I´ve put myself in the desert?
am I so about to die that I´ve create a vision?

mirage so clear, so real while away of myself
nightmare so scary when the sun is high in the sky
damage...

Everywhere

I hug you with each word

I kiss you with each letter

my soul is printed in the paper

waiting to be received by open arms

waiting for a sight full of your dancing light 

hidden under a dark blanket of fears

oh! you with your misterious and seductive touch

you! so full of color and magnetism.

I miss you. You wait for me

you demand of me...I give in

you walk and I follow you without hessitation

you mock me and I hold in silence

I see right through you and you bleed 

you talk and I´m yours

I loose control of my senses...you just see me

mumbling what I need to hear, 

surpassing any noise, any scream that my lost soul might cry.

With the same power, in the same amount,

you are able to rip my groins

but that is you, you, intriguing ´till insanity,

inhabitant of a dreaming world,

you, the one with the ice-fire touch

with broken-mirrors eyes.

**tú y everywhere son el mismo poemita...traducido nada más o algo así**

All over the place

Feeling my heart  all over the place.

Palpitations spread through my whole being.

Warm cheeks, redish lips, sad eyes.

How much silence! How much absence!

I am chain to an  instant, standing in the middle

While everything go spinning around

Like a blurry and nonstopable image.

Is it time, already?

So soon, so late…

Sighs, blushings, sadness…

So little, so much, so intense and so empty.

Mixed feelings come to my heart

Ther´re waves against the rocks...

Like saltpeter to the steel

Like acid to skin.

And no matter what, so sweet, so simple

No matter what so ethereal, so satisfying

Like surrounding light, like blinding darkness

Just like a  vandage for the eyes and just like a telescope,

All at the same time.

Weak heart pierced by a drop and tore apart by a ligthning!

Fallen angel

Chapter 3****Energy***

His life had gotten very complicated. He had passed many moons without having contact with Shiloe, she had left for a mission, at that moment he realized and embraced his love, though he couldn’t tell her. He didn’t know where she went, after all, they were enemies, and he had been sent for a mission too, to stop a demon, it was his first mission by himself, that was convinient for him because he knew he had changed into the enemy. The mission he was assigned was located in earth, he was looking for a demon because he was supposed to be an angel, the kind that fight against them.

He was getting weaker because as a demon, one that was transforming into one, it was harder to use his angel powers, his angel tools –so to speak- but he couldn’t use demon powers because he was going to expose himself by doing so, and then the demon´s kindom was going to come and pick him to his new place, to start working for them, he didn’t want that, he didn’t want to be a mere tool of anybody.

He was in pain, phisically and emotionally. His energy was decaying. That had been the reason of his state when he found me.

Now I was the only one in the entire universe who knew about the true Ayon.

The fact that I knew made him stronger because he fed of the energy that I projected towards him.

When he was an angel he didn’t need this, because he used to feed of the energy that other angels provide him, even from Shiloe´s when they were younger, but now that he had changed it was harder to get, to digest those energies because his body rejected it, he couldn’t feed from other demons because he was going to be discovered, because that feeding is a two way thing. He said it used to be ok to feed from Shiloe when they were young, and that now he could trust her with his secret but she was away, they were not toguether.

He was alone in the world just like me.

Humans can be a neutral source of energy, he said, that is since they are nor angels nor demons, in theory anyone can feed from them, though this might hurt them because they are not use to the two ways feeding, they don’t receive the energy coming from the other, they even die in the process. Demons don’t care about that, angels do. Ayon did.

In theory is the key word, though, because they can also harm angels or demons and that happens when they reject them, that is what happens in church for demons. It is worse if the person is aware of their own energy. Either they die or kill.

Ayon didn’t want that, nor to kill nor to be killed but he needed someone to feed from. A neutral sourse. He was becoming weaker and weaker when he saw me at the park, he said that something in me made him get closer despite the pain he might have felt if I rejected him wich was another reason for his weakness, he had been rejected a lot but  he had also nearly killed people by accident, uncapable of controlling his new nature.

Since I was numb to everything, since I didn’t care if people live or die, or help or not help, my energy was neutral, pure, as he described it, that is why he got even closer and touch my shoulders. That was, getting closer, getting to touch my skin, an even more direct  way of colleting my energy. I didn’t rejected him nor his feeding hurt me.

“why didn’t you went to a church?” I asked once “over there, there must be a lot of energy” he rolled his eyes.

“because I´m a demon, ya´know”

“then why didn’t you go to those other mmm churches or what ever they´re called, I´m sure there must be a lot of those” I said and opened my eyes a little more. He rolled his eyes again and he answered as if the answer was so obvious.

“because I´m supposed to be an angel…and yeah, there are a lot of those in this planet”

“then…” I said stopping in the middle, interrupted by him

“I am a demon that acts as an angel…but you are the only one who knows and the only one that can prevent that I get weak without me killing you, so far you are the only one”

For some unknown reason those words made me feel light for a little while, in fact I had been feeling better since his presence was with me. The feeding thing, me giving him energy was not as neutral as we thought, I was having his energy too. He just didn’t realize it, maybe because humans couldn’t do it but as I told him many times I was not a common human, I guess non of us was a common being in our species.

Once that I knew about him, about his true nature it was easier for him to discuss demon stuff, the things he was craving for, the nature he was discovering. He said they had some sort of collective memory or thoughts. We discussed this memory, this new knowledge, his new desires, his craving for certain things. “good or bad, it all depends on your perception” I told him once. He sometimes felt guilty, but I tried to make things easier for him. I did believe in my words, I do think it all depends on the approach one have of right and wrong.

He was a demon, a prince of them, one of the highest ranks, he was one of the successors to the kingdom, on top of the list because he was a hunter type of angel…, it didn’t matter they didn’t know yet, he was going to be more powerfull than a mere demon. He knew this, now he was even stronger than Shiloe, who was one of the top class demons, but she was his weakness…

He was looking for her in that collective memory he shared with demons now, but he hadn´t found her, no matter that he was a prince, no matter that he had my energy now. He felt he was losing her and I felt that way about him too, maybe that energy thing made him know me so much but also the other way around. There were times that I cried when he was sad for not finding Shiloe  or when his family sent him messages, they were growing suspicious of him. He was in pain again but this time it was his heart that ached. My energy couldn’t reach that far, he had said that himself, that made me really sad, so much that I felt almost like crying.

Fallen angel

Chapter 2: ****Principles****

During my conversations with him –the only ones I had, at all- I learned that he was scaping his reality too. He didn’t say it explicitely but it was clear to me. I didn’t ask. I didn’t feel the need to do it. Neither of us asked those type of questions. I guess we liked that from each other.

Without noticing I stopped going to the park, to the same spot, just to get away from my house but also I started to go to listen to this guy that had somehow befriended me, an almost impossible task. My heart didn’t ache so much in the afternoons anymore and when I felt gloomy I wished for afternoons to come. I was so accustom to him that when he started to hug me tightly I just hugged him back as if he were one of my lost beloved relatives.

I started to smile again and to talk a little more, to question him about himself, about his likes mostly, about things he enjoyed. I loved to listen to that for some unknown reason.

By that time he felt so much like  a friend, like family that I guess I would have been able to handle any confession of a sin from him without flinching, without running away, without moving, not even an inch.

There was not any confession of a sin but a confession of his true nature.

“what do you think about demons?” he said once

“I don’t know, why?” I answered. He stayed in silence for a moment, like pondering whether to say something or not.

“what would you say if I tell you ...I´m a demon?” he said at last. His sight away from me.

It took me a minute to anwer, because I had to assess such nature with my life principles. They said to held in comptent those beings called demons but I knew I could never despise this demon, the one that for some reason hadn´t get bored of me, the one that didn´t prompt me for answers but gave me answers. No matter that he was calling himself a demon he had been like an angel to me.

“nothing” I said firmly “it doesn’t matter. You are still Ayon, the nice guy I met in the park, you are still my friend”.

That was my answer, I finished with a smile and the realization that my words were real, they felt good when I said them, it was true, I didn’t care no matter if my ´so called´principles –not made by me but taken as a mere copy of my ancestors- said they were bad or that it was no good to be friends with them. Just like that the set of principles in my head changed.

“thank you, Aka Eimi, I knew you were a nice girl” he sounded relieved, more peaceful, almost happy I can say.

Now that I think about it, he had been saying that he was a demon practically since we first met. I couldn’t understand why he said certain things. For example he used to say that I was good and he was bad, that I was light and he was darkness. At the moment I just smiled but I was the one that felt like darkness.

I had only noticed that he was running away form his reality but I hadnt thought what kind of reality that was.

 He used to mention Shiloe, an acquantance of him, more than that actually,  first I thought she was a friend of his, his dearest. He talked about her a lot, every day I would listen to her name mixed in our conversations, his eyes got lighter when he said her name, and his cheecks became  a little blushed, I could tell that he really cared about her.

As time went by, after knowing who he truly was, I learned that Shiloe was more than his dearest friend, she was the one he loved. She knew it somehow and lured him, tempt him all the time. He fell in love with her but it was a one side love. She didn’t love him, not that much.

He not only fell in love with her, he FELL.

He used to be an angel, I said, well he stopped being one when he fell for Shiloe, when he decided that love was bigger and more precious than anything else, when he felt in his heart that nothing mattered more than Shiloe.

Angels can love, and they do it, but his love for Shiloe was beyond barriers, beyond all expectations, she was a demon. Angels sometimes have friendship with demons specially when they´re young, it is ok, but after certain time those bonds always dissapear and they must never fall in love with any demon, that´s just unthinkable for all angels. If they do, they fall from heaven just like the first angel that revealed himself before God. If they do it, they stop being angels, they become demons…and loose everything they had.

That was the reality Ayon was running form. He had fallen, he was no longer an angel, his love for Shiloe made him ignore this, but he was in pain, both phisically and emotionally. He hadn´t confess his love, something very hard to hide for angels, he hadn´t obey the rules, he was getting weaker because of this. His heart ached because he wasn´t sure if Shiloe could ever love him the same way. His family, he was afraid of loosing his family of angels, in fact, he knew he had lost them already, they just didn’t know about him, but to tell them was to loose them twice.

I love this song!!!

Lyrics | Paramore lyrics - Playing God lyrics

on the back of a rose

you blew it!
no matter how hard your heart beats
I feel nothing but emptyness.
our skin is so close however
to me you´re gone.
I see your face
but my heart does not recognize your soul.
I feel nothing but the echo of your heart in my ear.
thump, thump, thump... nothing else, just the sound.

*I found this forgotten little poem, well, on the back of a bookmarker, one that has an ink-black rose drawing that I made a while ago*

Fallen angel

chap. 1

***Loneliness***

“Above everything, keep your heart safe, because your life comes from it” it was, it is my favorite bible quote, my mantra, my motto.

            I never had problems in living by those words, no, not someone like me. Eimi never had problems for keeping her heart safe, it was a done deal. No body could reach it ever, or so I thought.

            I am Aka Eimi Crusos, for nineteen years I´ve kept my heart safe and for that long I´ve thought it was going to be that way for ever. I was so wrong.

            I´ve been in denial… for over a year. A peculiar year. My heart is not safe anymore. My heart is not even mine anymore. Now it belongs to a demon, a prince of the demon world, not “The” prince of it, just one of them. The only one for me though.

            He does not know my heart is his, not that I know, and certainly his heart is not mine. He does have a heart, he used to be an angel; some of his angel traits are still with him.

            Until a few days, a bit more, I´ve been willing to accept that my heart is his –still only at the darkness of my room- I knew it somehow for a while but I, as I said before, was in denial. I didn’t want to believe that a cold heart like mine, uncapable of loving, uncapable of intimacy with anybody, even less with men, could be capable of loving a fallen angel. It is so intense now that I cant hide it from myself anymore.

His heart is not mine, and never will be. Ayon came to me one summer day with his clear eyes set on me from the distance. He was walking slowly. As he got closer I saw a pained expression piercing his white feautures, his face.

He was weak. I was indifferent to that.

“could you help me, please?” he said with his pretty deep voice that I like so much. I was indifferent to everything at that time, my family had been slaughtered just a year ago and I hadn´t recovered from that, so help him or not meant nothing for me. I didn’t answer, I just smiled less than a little trying not to be rude. Despite of his pain he smiled brightly, then he put his hands on my shoulders. I flinched. I wasn´t used to human contact, I had never been.

To my surprise, I didn’t dislike his –at the moment, of course, I didn’t know what he was- the contact didn’t last long but it seemed to releave him. I didn’t care. I didn’t even think about it. I was numb, I had been like that for a long year.

I used to go to the same park every afternoon. I had never hated my house but I just did it at that time, it had too many memories of my lost family. Their voices seemed to linger in the walls and that was like a torture.

The next time I went there I found Ayon, in the same table where he had found me. His expression this time was serene, he almost seemed happy to see me, or so I thought. I didn’t care.

“You´ll stay with me for a while more, right?” he said when I started to get up to leave. That whole afternoon I hadn´t said a single word. It didn’t bother him, he even invited me to stay longer.

I prefered to stay there, now that someone had asked, than to return to the house, once my home, full of ghosts, even I was a ghost when being there.

Many days went by that way. We spent our afternoons together. Me without saying a word or just uttering monosilables “then?” or “ah” only to let him know I was listening and to prompt him to keep on talking.

One day I started to think that the guy was going to get bored of someone like me pretty soon but that day didn’t seem to come.

dejaboo

dream or memory? something like that happened to me today.... of course not the inviting part but the feeling is quite the same, though I was not the one hugging but the one being hugged...it was nice...

 *I´m refering to my little Isolate piece of march 20*

light

This is how I feel today....
light
as if I could fly
able to caress
soft
colorfull in contrast to the background
light...
just dont know how to say it...

One day

Yesterday I was about to burst in to tears constantly and the loneliness in which I am became even more real but now, we, she and I are in silence with eyes that do not look at anything because they´re filled with sadness and comptempt just like our hearts... and here I am, again, sinking in what I thought couldn´t hurt me anymore but now it is far and beyond...´cause now I no longer feel my pain but hers.

That wounds me and takes me to the edge of death without really letting me die, it only presses me there in the ground without the hope for merci.

 *I found this in a forgotten piece of paper I was feeling someone else´s pain that day, a pain that once had been mine too, and that day, the scar that I have plus her open wound made it worst, made it return. I wanted confort and I didnt get it...I didnt ask for it either....*

Kaguya hime

Siempre se aprende algo!!! de todas partes... Kaguya hime es un personaje de un cuento japones, quien envía a sus pretendientes a misiones imposibles a fin de que no volvieran pues no se quería casar con ninguno de ellos pero no sabía cómo rechazarlos.
Genial no?!
Me haré como Kaguma Hime jajajajaja no marriage!!

*encontré la historia x ahi: http://genzoman.deviantart.com/art/Kaguya-Hime-127666728?moodonly=158

Answers

Her thoughts are no longer hers, they are his
All of them were learned from him...
What she listens her mouth say
is nothing but his words
and the images her head dreams about
are the images his voice has told her about...