On Love, Hate and Indiference

There's a song that has a line that says something like ther's a fine line between love and hate and another song that has a line that says something like I?d rather you hate me because  hate hurts less than indiference.

I try not to hate people and in general I'm not a hateful person. I do feel dislike towards some people, but not hate and whenever I've felt it, I've always thought that it is a waste of energy, of my own peace of mind, especially when thoe people most likely aren't spending any energy in having any thoughts on me, either positive or negative, so I've always strived not to hate people and to feel indifferent about those  who I've disliked so intensely and have hurt me so bad that I've ended up hating.

It is funny about love that it can make you so incredibly happy and give you this feeling of efervescence or a feeling of safety or a feeling of fullfillment and completion. Love can mae you feel strong and it can make you feel so weak. It can mae you worry so much and it always makes you have the object of your love in your mind. It makes you strong and it makes you weak. It can be your shield and it can be a weapon wielded agaisnt you. It is a blessing  and it is a curse.

I agree with the song that says that there is a fine line between love and hate. One time only, I've experienced this and I pray I never have this experience again.

This perosn that I loved intensely, that was my safety, my shield, my rock, hurt me and turned my love into hate, my most precious memories into nightmares  and my life upside down. To my eyes, this perosn had an acomplice in breaking my heart.

With time and many circumstances, I forgave this person I loved and then hated so much. I forgave them because it took my energy to hate them. It was a cloud of polution in my soul and frankly I was tired of wasting so much energy into this black hole that was my hate. Instead I became indifferent. I recover my memories and they were not nightmares anymore but pictures of a once happy time. This person made a mistake, like humans do. My love for them will never be the same but in all that time while going thorugh many emotions and lvoing and hating and being indifferent and now caring again, I always thought this accomplice should receive some punishment for willingly hurting me and then gloating for the hurt they had caused.

It's been so many years since all that happened so I dont actively think of this accomplice and I dont really hate them but I alwys found it so unfair that they had been doing fine, or seemingly fine when I had suffered so much because of them.

At the beggining of this week I learned that this accomplice happened to see one of my vlogs and they learned I have fibromyalia ....it turns out that they have it too. They even contacted a person close to me to let them know that they had been diagnosed a couple of years ago nd that they understood my suffering, that they knew how awful the pain was. They even said that it was such an awful illness that they wouldn't wish it even on their worst enemy. Those last words are some that I've said plenty of times, however, I have wished for some very bad things to happen to this person.

For amoment I didnt say anything whenI learned of this person having the same illness. I blinked and waited another moment. I realized I didnt feel anything. I didnt feel anything good or bad. I was completely indifferent. I laughed and told mom I wished I could feel happy because this person is suffering as I once wished but , I couldnt and I can't. I dont think this is finally them getting what they deserve. I don't even care if theyever regretted having hurt me because it doesnt change things, it wont give me anything, it wont take away from me. It will not make things better or time turn back. In fact, it is something I wouldn't want to happen. Having had my heart broken and having been left drifting  and unprotected and forgotten by this prson that I then loved was good for me, in the end.

I am glad I didnt feel happy or self righteous. I don't want to be that kind of person. I guess I am not actually a good person either becaue despite knowing exactly how it feels to have fibro i didnt feel sympathy either (unless sympathy was me thinking "mmh that's bad"). There is someone nowadys which I intensely dislike. I never loved this person but they use these people that I love with all my heart to manipulate others that I love. I've been wishing very bad things to happen to tis person, even this illness but only because I get angry with this person.

Mom often tells me not to wish these things because it wont make a difference in the end and I joke and tell her that it'll give me some satisfaction but  (and this is kind of disappointing) now, I see mom's most likely right. Whatever happens to people that we dislike or even hate won't bring any satisfaction, won't bring any peace, won't make things right or take them back to how they were. It is us, me, who have to overcome the pain and the anger and learn to find a way to keep going and to find hapinness and satisfaction in ourselves, in the lives that we have, in the good things we still have because that is what is good for our minds and souls.

Having fibro makes it so hard to remember that, however, I'm hoping that one day, just like it feels with having my heart broken in such a way is now a blessing in diguise, I can say that I've found a new life, strength though fibro and that I've learned so much and that I've become better and freer because of it. Right now though I'm still in the journey from hatin this illness and even my body for having loset to it to loving this body which is doing its best to survive.

Mind-reading and Projecting

A little annecdote:

Person A got to their home, left some things and was about to leave again when person B asked where they were going. Person A glared and said they were going to give a ride home to their friend who was with them. Person B was hurt and offended at the attitude from person A. Person B felt like they had just been asking a question because they didnt know what were person A's plans. 

When person B told me about it, I commented how unfair it had been that they had gotten a glare when it is clear that they asked because they didnt know. They are not mind readers after all. 

Later that day my words made me remember how a few weeks ago, despite feeling pretty bad, I decided to accompany my brother grocery shopping. When we arrived to the parking lot of the place we were going, my brother was about to park on the disabled parking space when the security guard came over with a glare and asked him why he was going to park there. My brother told him that I needed the space. The security guard stayed there looking at the car as we parked and then came around to the passenger door where i was to , I presume, make sure I was actually disabled. He only seemed satisfied when he saw my wheelchair. 

"Why do they always come to veryfy only me?!" I complained to my mom and brother. Mom gave me some sympathy words and my brother told me to remember how there are people who take advantage of the reserved parking spots and that the security guard was probably just doing his job. It is not personal, he reminded me. 

"I'm just so not in the mood to prove to anybody that I am sick" I sighed and I wasn't. Pain gives you a lot of patience but it is all used in trying not to snap at people or just chew off your own leg trying to escape the pain so, in the end, to everyone, you are impatient and sometimes a very angry person. And not just that but you tend to take things personal and forget that sometimes people just ask questions because they dont know. 

To me, in the situation with the security guard, it was obvious that I was taking the disabled parking spot because I needed it and in the situation of person A and B, it was obvious to person A that they were going to take their friend home but not to person B. The security guard was probably thinking of all of those who use those spaces without needing them.

So, from this, a reminder: as obvious as something might seem, it won't be obvious for everyone. Most of the time people are just asking questions because they don't know and not because they are trying to pick on me.