Acceptance

A bird with broken wings.

It will never fly again. 

It weeps. 

It learned to lock the door of its golden cage. 

It turns its back to the window. 

It does not look up to the sky anymore. 

Sing again, little bird.

Dream again, little bird. 

Acceptance.  

A fish in the wide cool ocean. 

It will never fly. 

It goes on swimming. 

It blows bubbles all around. 

It dreams fish dreams. 

It dares to explore the seas of the world. 

Go on your merry way, little fish.

Swim free, little fish. 

Acceptance? 

dāḇaq

 Ellos me cerraron las puertas de sus edificios vacíos.

Yo pensé que eras tú quien me daba la espalda. 

Ellos le llamaron pecado. 

Yo lloré de rodillas, pidiendo perdón cuando todo el tiempo fui tu reflejo.  

Te rogué la alejaras

Cuando fuiste tú quien hizo sus ojos, su sonrisa, su voz,  sus manos que dibujaron estrellas en mi alma. 

Nos diste poesía y le llamamos pesadillas. 

Me coronaste de mariposas la cabeza y les llamé demonios, como ellos me enseñaron.

Y todo el tiempo, eras tú moviendote en mi alma. 

Eras tú tocando nuestros corazones con tu esencia.

*

They closed the doors of their empty buildings to me. 

I thought you had turned your back on me. 

They called it sin. 

I cried on my knees for forgiveness. 

Yet, I was your image all along. 

I begged you to take her away from me. 

But it was you who created her eyes, her voice, her smile, her hands that drew stars in my soul. 

You gave us poetry, we called it nightmares. 

You crowned my head with butterflies, I called them demons as they had taught me. 

And all along, it was you moving in my soul. It was you touching our hearts with your essence. 

Garden

Rosy sky, black forests,
At the mountain where Afroditis rests.
Worship at her feet,
Among quivering orchids retreat.

Cielos rosa, bosques negros

En la montaña en la que Afrodita descansa.

Adora a sus pies,

entre temblorosas orquídeas reposa.

Refuge warm and ready,
Blank mind, galloping heart, knees unsteady,
Silky pearls and many treasures,
fountain of life and pleasure.

Un refugio tibio y listo,

Mente en blanco, corazón galopante, piernas débiles,

Perlas como seda y un gran tesoro,

Fuente de vida y placer.

The embrace of quiet darkness,
Dance of stars and fire caress
Forbidden, covetted, sacred deviation
My garden of creation.

El abrazo de la serena oscuridad.

Prohibido, codiciado, sagrada desviación,

Danza de estrellas y caricias de fuego,

Mi jardín de la creación. 

Pride instead of fear.

I gotta say first of all that it is quite funny to me that I created this space to run away from mysef while at the same time it was a space to be fully myself even if I only ever glanced at myself back then and didn't want to see or call things as they were. This post, is in a way, a closing of a moment, coming full circle, maybe. Over ten years ago, when i first posted, I never thought I'd be where I am now both in the good parts and the bad parts of my current life but unlike back then, I have at least the notion that I can be proud and not just fearful of what  and who I am. This is not what I had planned to write about but just opening blogger brought up the feelings of back then and I had to say them out loud especially with the tittle I had planned for this one.
So, here I am, fearful still but proud as well.
...

Now for the actual post I had planned:

I?ve been listening to different interviews by a page dedicated to LGBTQ+ topics in my country. It is qute rare and I found it by chance. Because of the global pandemic from the start of the month they announced that there was not going to be a pride parade as there has been for the last ten years apparently (Something I didn't know). Instead they were going to host these interviews online and they were going to stream music "live" and they posted videos of past pride events. This whole situation with  the pandemic is the worst but I am pretty happy that it forced the organizers of the pride parade to do something different this year. It has allowed me to learn about things I didn't know were happening, groups I didn't know existed in my country.

There has been a couple of interviews that have touched me . One of them was with a trans woman that has co-founded a non profit organization to help other trans women. In her interview she talked about how at 14 she was kicked away from home for being trans and how she had to work as a prostitute for quite a while to survive. Later on she mentioned her family was and is stilll religious and at both those moments I felt my heart squeeze, I remembered the fear I had back when I first opened this blog, the fear of not being able to even come out to myself let alone my family because as most people in my country they are religious people and just like it happened to my own mother when grandma didn't approve of my father for her and kicked her out, I thought I was going to have to live that hardship. AT the time I had done my best to have something to fall back . So I waited for some years from the time I opened the blog, enough time to have my own place and a job in case my mother kicked me out of te house.

She didn't kicked me out, she wsant happy either and that first night she turned her back to me so that I stopped talking about it, I know she just didn't want to hear it. For quite a while we didn't talk about it but by then she knew and thought I knew she didn't like it or understand it she still loved me and I was and I am grateful that her love was truly unconditional. The other night when I heard about this woman, that like many other LGBTQ+ people in my country are kicked out from their home or wosrse, I felt so grateful that I didn't have to go thorugh that.

Later when i talked about that with my mom, she told me she understand and that at the time she felt a ot of fear. She still feels a lot of fear. She fears for my safety. She is afraid for me because the world is cruel, because people are cruel, because there are no legal protections in my country for not straight people. She wants to protect me and as part of that sometimes she'd rather I didn't talk about my not being straight, at least not where other people could hear and know about it because she doesnt want anyone to hurt me.

I understand and I am afraid too but I think that we shouldnt be afraid, or at least we shouldnt let out fear keep us hidden. I remembered this story I?ve been told a thousand times.

Back when my father learned he was going to be a father and despite the fact that it got my mom kicked from her house, he was so happy and sure that he was going to be the father of a baby girl. Back then, when a man realized that he was going to have a girl they were always sad and disappointed. Even mothers got sad and disappointed, having a girl was no motive for celebration because a girl was less, because a girl came to the world to suffer, because being a woman was too hard.

My father was an exception to the usual, to the normal of back then, instead of being afraid, instead of thinking how tough it was going to be for me to be a woman in a sexist society, he was proud and happy and he wanted to celebrate the fact that I was going to be a girl.

That, I think, is what we all should do. We shouldn't be afraid that our children, our brothers and sisters might be part of the LGBT+ community we shouldn't be afraid to be part of it, we should celebrate and be proud because maybe, with time, like how nowadays fathers are happy to have little girls as little boys as children, maybe one day, parents won't feel the need to kick out their children, parents won't feel an overwhelming fear if their child comes out to them.

Of course, it is important to be cautious, fear is there for a reason, fear is there to protect us and keep us from dangerous situation but it is not there to keep us from being ourselves, from being proud of who we are.

On Love, Hate and Indiference

There's a song that has a line that says something like ther's a fine line between love and hate and another song that has a line that says something like I?d rather you hate me because  hate hurts less than indiference.

I try not to hate people and in general I'm not a hateful person. I do feel dislike towards some people, but not hate and whenever I've felt it, I've always thought that it is a waste of energy, of my own peace of mind, especially when thoe people most likely aren't spending any energy in having any thoughts on me, either positive or negative, so I've always strived not to hate people and to feel indifferent about those  who I've disliked so intensely and have hurt me so bad that I've ended up hating.

It is funny about love that it can make you so incredibly happy and give you this feeling of efervescence or a feeling of safety or a feeling of fullfillment and completion. Love can mae you feel strong and it can make you feel so weak. It can mae you worry so much and it always makes you have the object of your love in your mind. It makes you strong and it makes you weak. It can be your shield and it can be a weapon wielded agaisnt you. It is a blessing  and it is a curse.

I agree with the song that says that there is a fine line between love and hate. One time only, I've experienced this and I pray I never have this experience again.

This perosn that I loved intensely, that was my safety, my shield, my rock, hurt me and turned my love into hate, my most precious memories into nightmares  and my life upside down. To my eyes, this perosn had an acomplice in breaking my heart.

With time and many circumstances, I forgave this person I loved and then hated so much. I forgave them because it took my energy to hate them. It was a cloud of polution in my soul and frankly I was tired of wasting so much energy into this black hole that was my hate. Instead I became indifferent. I recover my memories and they were not nightmares anymore but pictures of a once happy time. This person made a mistake, like humans do. My love for them will never be the same but in all that time while going thorugh many emotions and lvoing and hating and being indifferent and now caring again, I always thought this accomplice should receive some punishment for willingly hurting me and then gloating for the hurt they had caused.

It's been so many years since all that happened so I dont actively think of this accomplice and I dont really hate them but I alwys found it so unfair that they had been doing fine, or seemingly fine when I had suffered so much because of them.

At the beggining of this week I learned that this accomplice happened to see one of my vlogs and they learned I have fibromyalia ....it turns out that they have it too. They even contacted a person close to me to let them know that they had been diagnosed a couple of years ago nd that they understood my suffering, that they knew how awful the pain was. They even said that it was such an awful illness that they wouldn't wish it even on their worst enemy. Those last words are some that I've said plenty of times, however, I have wished for some very bad things to happen to this person.

For amoment I didnt say anything whenI learned of this person having the same illness. I blinked and waited another moment. I realized I didnt feel anything. I didnt feel anything good or bad. I was completely indifferent. I laughed and told mom I wished I could feel happy because this person is suffering as I once wished but , I couldnt and I can't. I dont think this is finally them getting what they deserve. I don't even care if theyever regretted having hurt me because it doesnt change things, it wont give me anything, it wont take away from me. It will not make things better or time turn back. In fact, it is something I wouldn't want to happen. Having had my heart broken and having been left drifting  and unprotected and forgotten by this prson that I then loved was good for me, in the end.

I am glad I didnt feel happy or self righteous. I don't want to be that kind of person. I guess I am not actually a good person either becaue despite knowing exactly how it feels to have fibro i didnt feel sympathy either (unless sympathy was me thinking "mmh that's bad"). There is someone nowadys which I intensely dislike. I never loved this person but they use these people that I love with all my heart to manipulate others that I love. I've been wishing very bad things to happen to tis person, even this illness but only because I get angry with this person.

Mom often tells me not to wish these things because it wont make a difference in the end and I joke and tell her that it'll give me some satisfaction but  (and this is kind of disappointing) now, I see mom's most likely right. Whatever happens to people that we dislike or even hate won't bring any satisfaction, won't bring any peace, won't make things right or take them back to how they were. It is us, me, who have to overcome the pain and the anger and learn to find a way to keep going and to find hapinness and satisfaction in ourselves, in the lives that we have, in the good things we still have because that is what is good for our minds and souls.

Having fibro makes it so hard to remember that, however, I'm hoping that one day, just like it feels with having my heart broken in such a way is now a blessing in diguise, I can say that I've found a new life, strength though fibro and that I've learned so much and that I've become better and freer because of it. Right now though I'm still in the journey from hatin this illness and even my body for having loset to it to loving this body which is doing its best to survive.

Mind-reading and Projecting

A little annecdote:

Person A got to their home, left some things and was about to leave again when person B asked where they were going. Person A glared and said they were going to give a ride home to their friend who was with them. Person B was hurt and offended at the attitude from person A. Person B felt like they had just been asking a question because they didnt know what were person A's plans. 

When person B told me about it, I commented how unfair it had been that they had gotten a glare when it is clear that they asked because they didnt know. They are not mind readers after all. 

Later that day my words made me remember how a few weeks ago, despite feeling pretty bad, I decided to accompany my brother grocery shopping. When we arrived to the parking lot of the place we were going, my brother was about to park on the disabled parking space when the security guard came over with a glare and asked him why he was going to park there. My brother told him that I needed the space. The security guard stayed there looking at the car as we parked and then came around to the passenger door where i was to , I presume, make sure I was actually disabled. He only seemed satisfied when he saw my wheelchair. 

"Why do they always come to veryfy only me?!" I complained to my mom and brother. Mom gave me some sympathy words and my brother told me to remember how there are people who take advantage of the reserved parking spots and that the security guard was probably just doing his job. It is not personal, he reminded me. 

"I'm just so not in the mood to prove to anybody that I am sick" I sighed and I wasn't. Pain gives you a lot of patience but it is all used in trying not to snap at people or just chew off your own leg trying to escape the pain so, in the end, to everyone, you are impatient and sometimes a very angry person. And not just that but you tend to take things personal and forget that sometimes people just ask questions because they dont know. 

To me, in the situation with the security guard, it was obvious that I was taking the disabled parking spot because I needed it and in the situation of person A and B, it was obvious to person A that they were going to take their friend home but not to person B. The security guard was probably thinking of all of those who use those spaces without needing them.

So, from this, a reminder: as obvious as something might seem, it won't be obvious for everyone. Most of the time people are just asking questions because they don't know and not because they are trying to pick on me.

A Decade: Just a Second And an Eternity

I'm not sure when exactly, but I've noticed that some people are either writing or talking about the higlights and downs of their lives in this decade that's coming to an end or they'reposting pictures side by side of them in 2010 and now that we're nearly on 2020. As far as I know, people didnt do this when we went from the 2000's to 2010.

Anyway, I listened to this couple of vloggers (Nekojitavlog) who talked of the best and worst thing of each year in this decade and that made me start thinking about it for my own life. I am tempted to think that in this whole decade there's been nothing but fibromyalgia and all of the words that are now a synonym of it: pain, lost, depression and shame.                                         

But I cant let myself go there, not just there. It is hard though but recently  made this little video where I talked about a little epiphany I had. It was simple but so big and so hard to keep in mind. My big epiphany is that (When you have a chornic -so far- incurable illness) happiness is a choice you have to make every single day. And this choice doesnt mean there wont be sadness and pain. It doesnt mean you're going to ignore the bad thing and smile all the time. It only means that you have to chose to experience all of it, feel the feelings, cry if necessary  crumble and go through the pain and in the pain remember that there's still good in life, that there is love in your days, that though your body might not be working right, or your life might not be what you thought it would be, you're doing your best and you'll keep doing your best and finding peace in the knowledge that you've made it so far...finding peace in accepance and knowing that maybe the next moment you'll go back to anger or denial and that it is ok becuase you're only humanand cant be expected to be always strong, to be perfect. It is simple. it is so very hard.

With this in mind, I went quickly thorugh my phone, thorugh my pictures from 2010 until now (I dont have pictues from 2010 there or anywhere else apparently) and in pictues it's mostly all smiles, but that's ok. I have a tendency to take pictures when I'm not feeling well at all so I remember those days and what was going on even if I am smiling in the pictures. Still, no pictues from 2010 and despite the smiles on most pictuesI couldnt make myself remember good things in those years with a few exceptions. I've pretty much have to force myself to realize that fibromyalgia hasnt always been the biggest thing in my life....

....And then I remembered, 2010 was a big year for me. I graduated from college, got my first full time teacher job, got my first very own house, got my tattoo, got over coming out to myself, my brother and my mom. It makes me smile fondly to remember all of that. I was busy!

I do not know what I was doing in 2011 other than working the whole day as I kept my job from the years before. I was always thinking about how little time I had for things like art and learning. I was worrying over wanting to continue with another degree but not having time for it. I was heartbroken yet again because I knew it was going to be the last time I'd see my friend which at the time was still my crush. I was conflicted about the fact tht though my mom had not reacted badly to my coming out she woldnt want to talk about it and basically made it as if it hadnt happened. I wasnt planning on being with anyone but I felt it was so cruel thaf if I had someone it would've had to be in hiding because with my line of work it would've most lilkely gotten me fired. Among all this worry, I was fully immersed in my ob and though it had been tough at first, I was enjoying it by then and I was feeling so accomplished over the fact that I had my own place. It made me feel safe to have a place to go that was my own.

2012 was the year that everything changed. It feels that this year has been the worst in my entire life. I was never the same after this year. Earlier that I was looking at my pictues from that year I couldnt help to think that those pictures from january and february and all of them up to may are like a countdow to a tragedy. I see myself there, in one graduating from an online course I took the year before and I think, if only i could've known to somehow stop it from happening but that is not possible and it did happen. May 2012 was the month and year of when I stopped walking on my own and my life became pain.
It wasnt all entirely bad, well, it was, I think it's been one of the years in which I've been the most suicidal ever but in the midst of all of this an angel was sent to me: Bita, my niece was born four months after my life got turned upside down and with her I learned you coudl fall in love at first sight and that my heart could expand in a second and that in all that pain and death inmy head I still had a little sunshine when I saw her face

2013
If the year before had been awful , in a way this one was owrst. It was full of hospital visits, doctors poking me and not believing in my word, when I said I couldnt walk, it hurt so much. It was a year for being looked like I was lying and of being told that I was too young to be feeling that way. It was a year of being told that if I had enough faith I'd be well and if I wasnt it was ecause I had done somehitng wrong and didnt have faith. It was the year of going to doctor after doctor and to church after church, none helping at all. It was a tough year at work. It was a year that I had to get accommodations and though people were accommodating at first they soon tired of it. They expected me to get well soon and when I didnt their kindness and patience ran out. It was a year to realize that kids are so much kinder and open minded than any addult out there. It was the year that I got told that if I didnt get back my health my contract wouldnt be renewed for the next year. It was also the year I stopped watching TV and reading physical books as well as using glassess full time. The pain in my eyes incredibly bad. I think the only good thing to come from this year was that my mom started to talk about lgbt things and about my not being straight and because of my illness she somehow accepted it, thinking it could somehow help me get better. Another good thing was that my best friends stuck to me. It was tough as I was sad all the time and coldnt talk as much but I'm so glad they were there, I'm especially thankful for Saku.

2014... sadness, no job, lost my house as I couldnt work anymore and therefore was unable to pay for it. i lost my insurance so no more doctors for a while.I believe that this was when I started going to my current doctor (a regular MD but that practices 'alternative medicine' too) the only one that has been able to help some. This year I think, i learned the pain in my eyes, the dyness and all the symptomps were fibro related. I think the one good thing of this year was that I started to draw and paint again.

2015 Another angel in my life, my nephew and though I wasnt too close to him since his family lived far, it made me so happy to meet him for the first time and everytime he came to visit was so nice. I think it was this year in which I had to stop actually writing, handwriting was just not possible anymore for me. Only a few words caused me excruciating pain. It was touh because it felt like I could do less and less with every passing year and the pain was as bad as ever. I had to take out my old typewriter and content myself with what little I could do. (i as not ever content, even less happy)

2016-2017 i know I went to some places and did a few things but life felt stagnant and I felt trapped. AS a way to let out a little of this, I started my youtube channel where I talked a little about what it was like living with fibro.

2018 The biggest thing, even though at the time it made no difference, was that I started to see a therapist: Xenia. I posted a picture of me in crutches and in a wheelchair for the first time and though it was nervewracking I was no longer (so) ashamed of needing them. The suicidal thoughts were a little less thanin all of the privous years. I realized that even before getting sick I wasnt happy and in fact, I had been pretty miserable inside even if I had been ok outwardly and apparently successful.

2019 One of the worst things this year was that my other leg, the one that wasnt as bad became the worst of the two. So in a way it was another lost, something else that the fibro took away from me. This year, like last year it's been mostly about working in my mind, on trying to be well emotionally and though it's been really tough because ife and fibro seem to test me at every turn, I think I've given big steps in the journey to acceptance. I realized a couple of month ago that I had started planning thing again, wanting things again. Not big things, not big plans but I was tentatively excited about designing a new item of cloth and the challenge of making it, I was a little excited about painitg a new piece. I've had some of those little big epiphanies like the one I mentioned at the start and it's been the year in which I sometimes, often times dont hate my legs, dont hate my body. I've even thought things like 'nah, it's my body, it's doing the best it can' which I never thought I'd think. Something big has been that I barely think about dying or commiting suciide anymore despite the pain which has been really bad sometimes. I do not know if it is my perception and my mind getting stronger somehw or my body getting used to it but somehow the pain sometimes feel less than in previous years. One huge thing is that I got my onw wheelchair, one that I wanted and that I use because I thinkk it helps me to get around places I didnt visit anymore because I couldnt walk and I'm not ashamed of being in it (that last part is the big thing) .
Today, the last day of the year, I found myself thinking about the next thing I'll do, I was making a plan. I hope I can accomplish it during the next year.

So, this is me for 2020: I'm still sick, I'm still in pain. I dont know what I'll do to make things right and back on track. I'm still depressed sometiems but for the first time in years I think i experience moments of happiness and peace too.

To end this very long post, I want to thank all those people that have been by my side during this most difficult decade of my life: first of all my mom, Jo, dad, Saku, Cecy, Nury, grandma, my niece and nephew, all my pets. I know I woudln't be here wihout your love and support, your patience and the strenght you all gave me when I had none. Here's to having you all another decade and more.