Heavy

This is so sad and it makes me angry. I have only like a minute for my break to be over but I can´t shake the thoughts of my mind. Last night I had a dream that haunts me now. Such a bad timing for my brain to be having dreams like that... it was a couple of minutes past midnight when I finally felt sleep come to me and then, a dream the kind that feels so real, the kinds that makes my heart feel heavy and my mind unsettled. It feels like a premotion and my rational self keeps telling the scaredy silly girl in me that it was just a dream and nothing more. But, and it´s most likely just a coincidence, my dreams like that seem to become real.

In my dream I was in the waiting room of some hospital, that´s no surprise, I´ve been in hospitals waiting room the past year enough time for a life-time, I know which hospital it was, the one in which I first got treated for my illness, the doctor there transfered me to the one I go these days-back to what I was saying,I was in that waiting room in hard blue chairs feeling cold, hospitals always feel cold- I was waiting on my own and then in my dream, I appeared in an examination room, at my back someone said some pitiful comment, they were sorry for me and then I heard what they said, it was my diagnosis. My eyes grew wide when I learned it and I inmediately began to cry. In the dream I imagined my leg being split open, I saw my bones and muscles and the whole thing inside... I didn´t know if the disease had a cure. I just stayed there sat listening like echo the comments the others made of me, to other doctors.

I was told what I had, in my dream, and I just can´t remember the name of it, it´s like only that piece of information is lost. It annoys me and scares me. The exam prior to the MRI was an electromiography, a very painful procedure with needles and electricity, as it was being done to me, I knew something was going to be wrong, I knew it was going to tell in a way what might be wrong with me... unlike the other tests -I feel a lot like a lab-rat with so many things done to me- that had been "normal" this one was not and I knew it was not going to be as soon as I got put the stickers with wires.

But then I might be thinking to much and pain doesnt make it better. The only thoughts that I seem to have are of pain and of that forgotten diagnosis I was given in my dream.... Pain is unavoidable, I do not control it and though I don´t control what I see in my dreams either I do control what I make of those and it seems I am refusing to control that letting it control me instead when it´s nothing but a dream.

Double Life FF: Lucky

A/N: I found the tittle hilarious hahaha oh, and I finally got to the part where the other FF was supposed to go... It was fun to do this one and that´s the only reason why it got done, just because it was fun to do it. I think that I pushed Josh´s character too far, though, so this might be the first real ff... I just wanted to make him talk and he reluctantly did so and some parts might have not been told by him hahaha -sorry Josh
Also, this one is special... It feels like I haven´t posted in forever >_< inspiration was runing away from me but I hope it comes back and stays forever with me

***********

I glanced at my watch for the second time and an inadvertent sigh came out of my mouth. I was taking off my coat and wondering if it wouldn´t be too much of an invasion to go to where I wanted to go. It was a little over one in the morning, my shift had just ended. I had spent a little over 48 hours in the hospital which meddled in the amount I had talked to and seen my girlfriend. I hadn´t seen her for a week now. I really wanted to see her but if I went to my apartment I´d probably sleep for most of the day and would end up not seeing her until next week.

Already in my car I wondered if I should call her since I had already convinced myself that going to her apartment was more practical than going to mine, it was closer to the hospital. I didn´t call her. I wondered if she had heard me when I got out of the elevator already in her floor, probably not, she had to be sleeping. I chuckled a little thinking how back when we met it seemed to be me the one who always got sleepy first and I often fell asleep while she was there with me and now I was the one who spent most of the time awoke while she slept.

Right on her door I hesitated and considered turning around and leave but then the nagging in my mind to just be with her made me ignore that thought and I opened the door. Mitch´s eyes greeted me, the cat I had given her was lying on the white couch, it meowed as I closed the door, he came to me and rubbed itself against my leg.

I silently walked to Nichole´s bedroom and felt a little like a creeper, and regretted  not having thinking better this decision...maybe calling would´ve been better. It felt strange to just go to her bed and lay there next to her. We were not even living together. She looked so much in peace, her face relaxed and her breathing even. I adjusted her comforter, which was low on her hips. She sighed and I kissed her temple and decided to leave -which would still made me feel a little like a creeper- I motioned to leave and suddenly felt her nude hand on my wrist, I turned around and saw her hand holding mine, her eyes were closed and if she hadn´t been grabbing my hand I could´ve thought she was still asleep.

"Where are you going?" she asked in a sleepy voice

"Did I wake you up?" I said with some remorse

"I am asleep" she said and I chuckled

"I didn´t mean to wake you up...I just missed you" I said she was still holding me in place

"I heard you since you got out of the elevator"

"Oh...weren’t you asleep?" I furrowed my eyebrows

"I was and suddenly in my dream I heard you..."

"Are my footsteps that loud?" I asked with amusement

"No -she breathed- but I´d recognize them in my sleep or in any crowded loud place" her voice sounded as if she was back to being asleep, her grip on my wrist was softer. I only felt like holding her but instead I kissed her temple again.

"Don´t stay standing there, come to bed already -she startled me by her words and by her slightly irritated tone- I´ve missed you too" she ended up softly letting go of my hand. I moved around the bed to the other side to lay on it. "The bag you left with your clothes is in my closet, go get changed... I don’t like your hospital clothes"

I chuckled, she always said she didn´t like me in my hospital clothes which could be any clothing item that I had used in the hospital. I went to her closet and opened it and as she´d said, there it was. I had forgotten it the last time I had gone out of town and had come here first before going to my apartment; what I have brought for her that time was in that bag, I had left it forgotten when I left and never took it home the other times I came... I think it was a good thing.

"You are quite hot" I heard her voice; I smiled looking back to her. Her eyes were open, watching my back. I had just taken my shirt off. I took my shoes after that as well as my socks "Should I politely look away now?" she said in a teasing tone when I unzipped my pants. I laughed quietly feeling an odd combination of embarrassment and satisfaction. I shrugged and let go of my pants that I replaced with sweat pants all the while feeling her eyes on me. I turned over towards the bed and noticed a smirk on her mouth that matched mine.

"Did you politely look away?" I said getting under the covers

"Shut up" was her quick answer that followed a kiss that started very desperate, her hands on my shoulders and my arms around her, one on her hip and the other caressing the length of her back. She was fierce and I wondered if she was still half asleep, she was without gloves something she never allowed herself to do even if we know she´s not going to hurt me, she says she doesn´t want to take any chance but probably tonight that has gotten forgotten ´cause she was very into the kiss. She broke it after biting my lip a little. We were staring into the other´s eyes after that. I know she saw much more than me, it was mostly dark with just a faint glow of the other buildings lights coming in through the window and the curtains.

"I think I will change in here a little more often" I joked earning a playful smack on my shoulder and I bet a glare as well. "I´ve missed you so much" I whispered and caught her lips, she smiled into the kiss, that smile of hers which is more of a half-smile because only the side of her mouth curls up, this one too, got frenzy after a moment, with her venturing for more exploration on my chest and shoulders. I couldn´t have enjoyed that more. She was already half on top of me. My hands had gone down her top feeling the smooth skin on her back. Our kiss got slower but much more passionate.

She suddenly stopped altogether the kiss as she heard a sound coming from me when she ran a hand on my chest under my t-shirt. I guess she just fully woke up. She started to retreat herself off of me and I tighten my grip on her

"No, no, no don´t go" I realized I was a little short of breath

"I..." she had shied away

"No, please, angel, we´ve gone over this..." I had to stop myself from giving such a forceful voice despite my mild disappointment and frustration

"Love, you know I don’t know what will happen if..." she trailed off. I noticed the endearment she´d used, only in very rare occasion she did that, it could be either very, very good or very bad. She´d used that for the first time when she accepted to go out with me, that had been a very good one and then she used it when she refused to let me kiss her more than just a peck that had been a bad one.

"Nothing bad will happen. I am sure of that" I took her right hand and kissed it, she flinched a little but I lingered there "You see... I am fireproof" I joked. She sighed in what sounded like a combination of a huff and a laugh

"I am sorry" she buried her face between my shoulder and neck. It was all tension between us. I hated that she felt like she had to apologize, she didn´t need to, I was happy with what she gave me, I was happy that she´d let me stay instead of sending me to the couch or back home.

"I love you" I said and felt her smile against my skin

"Why?" she lifted her face to see me as if she didn´t think it was a good time for me to say that.

"For that gracious way of walking that you have" I said with a smirk knowing she´d appreciate what that would do to the tension between us

"So shallow -she fought a grin- I’ll dump you if you keep on like that" she raised an eyebrow

"And I´ll chase you ´till the end of the world" she stared at my eyes and gave me a short but soft kiss

"Because of those warm chocolate eyes that tell me you love me" I caressed her back. She closed her eyes for a second and opened them to show me she´d hid some of her feelings. I continued giving reasons. "Because you let me see what they say" the warmth came back doubled along with her smile "Because that small smile of yours so real and just mine" I pulled her down for a peck on her lips, she needed her time, she needed space and I was no fool to deny her that.

"Because you are always taking care of me despite yourself" I said reminding her how she kept pulling away from me to avoid hurting me "Because you memorized my steps and my heartbeat"

"They're music" she whispered still looking into my eyes

"Because despite of everything you´ve gone through you´ve kept your heart pure..."

"I don't know about that..." sadness tainting her voice

"I do ´cause I am in that heart" I gave her a loving smile, I only barely saw her expression and the subtle changes in her face but I was well aware that she didn´t need light to see me

"You are" she kissed me this time

"I love you for all you are and for all that you´re not and for all that you give me and for all the things we´ve yet to share and because you´ve let me in your heart and soul"

"You´ve gotten pretty good at sweet talking" she teased. I chuckled. It used to throw me in a loop when she did that but now I know that is her way of gaining some control over things. My love is scared when she does not know what to do.

"I've got an eye candy right in front of me" I teased back, she laughed quietly

"…So shallow" she shook her head. She had attempted to make a disappointed tone that did little to cover her amusement. "Too bad you can´t see it properly –she started –whereas I have an amazing view of mine" my shirt left my body and right after I felt her lips on my neck, it drove me crazy.

"The eyes of my heart don´t need lights to see your beautiful soul" I kissed her cheek, she laughed with delight

"You just said that ´cause you´re about to get lucky" she whispered softly in my ear, her breath tickled me and I realized her voice and skin were much more effective than any coffee to keep me awake and any pill to keep me  interested

"I am already lucky"

"Maybe..." she trailed off and managed to roll us so that she was on her back looking up at me. She reached to one of her bedside lamps and touched it making a soft glow come out of it, I saw her better, her eyes were intense and I knew mine were.

"Your eyes are huge –she giggled and I realized this was the first time I’ve heard her do that- you’re body´s changing" she said going back to her usual tone, the intensity was not lost "you’re making mine change" she breathed and guided my hand carefully under her top. I watched dazzled and my fingers feel a line of rougher skin where I know I made a few stitches a long time ago. I made my hand move away the thin fabric of her shirt and with closed eyes I kiss that scar, she breathes in sharply and I look up, she moves my hand closer to her side and I was forced to look down, there was another scar, I looked at her with questioning eyes, hers seemed a little sad and shy.

"That got done the same way you got this one" she touched my arm where a bullet grazed me the first time I went out of Burgeoys with her, I knew my eyes double their size

"When..?" I asked and all she did was show me another scar that seems similar to the one I stitched except it was on the other side, that one looked smaller but deeper, it was a little darker than her fair skin.

"I could have more but they were careful of not marking my body too much" she explained and made me touch over her ribs, small bumps were felt on some "broken ribs" she said studying my expression "they don't make me such a great eye-candy anymore" she gave an unsure smile. I smiled despite the anger that has risen in me, I knew who ‘they’ were but I know there´s no point in staying angry at things that cannot be undone so I moved down and kissed her scars, my mouth ends right above her navel, she threated her fingers in my hair.

"There´s no woman more beautiful than you" she pulls me up catching my lips, a leg tangling around my waist making us roll again

"…and you´re mine" she gives me a secret smile as she gets rid of her white top. I die a little at the sight of it and she seemed to know, her eyes showed she liked that, she laughed and our lips connected, softly, deeply, exploring… our bodies followed.

Under the Sky

I walk barefoot

Green hugs me everywhere

Crystal drops go down my hair

Shimmering with the sunlight

That the greenery fails to devour.

I picked a flower and threw it up

For the wind to take

I walked all the way to the sandy beach with my offerings

I danced around with the waves and flowers

And asked the sky to carry my gift to you:

Greens and colors for you in your desert.

We´re watching the same sky

And kissing the same air

All I ask is that the rainbow of leaves and flowers

That the wind carries for you

Can warm up your heart

And paint your gray desert of my deep forest

In which wilderness and solitude also command.

Procession

I got a phone so that means I got a camera again which means pix! Today, unexpectedly as we drove to the mountain we found a procession. It was very colorful and it had both the traditions that the Spanish people left us and the traditions that our ancestors left us.

decorated palms

Virgin of Fatima -I really like how this pix turned out with the trees and the flowers

This is part of what ancient Mayans left us. That was a cross with different fruits and corn. Before Spanish ppl came, around this time, Mayans offered the gods fruits and corn to thank them for the rain

Many of the palms had different designs -some I had never seen before

Wall Jumpers

It was a misty morning. The sun was completely covered by clouds. The forest soil was damped and the mud made my boots heavy and sticky. It was a very cold day and as I walked up the forest it got even colder.

It had become a habit for me to come up to hike at least once every week. Today I had gone out of my way to come on a Saturday morning. When I arrived at the place I was going to, I stopped and looked around. I grabbed a branch from the ground and stuck it on the muddy soil. The upper end of the branch split into two, making some kind of hook where I hung a bag and put a single white flower on the string from where the bag hung.

“It´s so damn cold!” I muttered to myself

“Why would you come up here then?” I was startled by the sudden voice that I heard behind me but I recognized that voice and fought back the flinch my body instinctively made

“I came to leave food for my stray kitten” I smirked wondering why I hadn´t heard her approach and why was she here this early

“Your…?” she tilted her head a little with a raised eyebrow. I noticed her hair was wet as if she´d just taken a shower and hadn´t dried her hair.

“Yes, my kitten” I smiled with the corner of my mouth. Often, teasing her was the best way to keep her talking

“Any other animal might had found it”

“I was willing to take that risk”

“Mh” she hummed and turned around, and then I saw a drop of water fall from her black shirt

“Did you fall on the river, kitten?” I asked taking a step in her direction. Her shoulders moved as if she was silently laughing but I failed to see what was so humorous in it.

“No” she finally said and I hurried to her and stepped on her way

“Here” I gave her my black jacket. She looked at it

“I won´t give it back” she removed her shirt, revealing a black top with thin straps as well as some of her smooth skin where the top ended and her pants started

“I don´t mind, it´s an old jacket” I passed my scarf around her neck

“I hope this one’s old too” she adjusted the scarf

“As most of my wardrobe, it is” I winked picking up the shirt she´d tossed to the ground. It had a known expensive brand. She said nothing but there was an almost imperceptible frown in her face “Don´t feel bad about it” I chuckled “clothing´s just that… but I could sell this one” I laughed as I motioned to her discarded shirt

“Ok” she was about to start walking when she looked back, then she glanced me and turned around back to the original spot where she had found me

“Curiosity killed the cat” I strolled towards her. She shrugged.

“I have a lot of lives” she took the flower and made it spin between her gloved fingers then she took the bag and peeked inside it right after that she quickly climbed on the closest tree.

“I´m not going to take away your prey from you, kitten” I chuckled as I looked at her from the ground

“I'm not sitting on the ground. It´s wet”

“Oh… so you are one of the Burgeoys´ fancy girls” I raised my eyebrow. She had just tossed her designer’s shirt but she didn´t want to stain her already stained pants. It felt something hit my forehead. It was a piece of one of the cupcakes that were in the box inside the bag. I knew Nichole enough to know she didn't like to be compared to the shallow girls in her school. I narrowed my eyes at her and she had a smug expression. I watched her eat the cupcakes.

“Are you expecting me to drop dead or something?” she said after a while

“Sure, I decided to put the poison in the second cupcake so you could enjoy the first one” I followed her lead. The way she worded her replies or questions gave me a general idea of what was going on in her life. She never spoke of it but it seemed she was always running to the woods and she was always too silent and I bet she thought I didn't notice the way her eyes became almost sad when she stared into the distance. Being over six months at the other side of the river made me aware of this.

“I left the second one for you” she said and stopped eating

“Did you like them?” I asked… I couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous but I had to keep my cool. When she didn´t reply I continued “Lola, my grandma, asked about you…” I started and the only indication that she´d heard me was her brown eyes on me

“She was getting worried at why I was coming to the woods weekly… -Nichole went back to looking at the other trees- so I told her I had a friend- I chuckled to myself because I would´ve never thought that this would only made Lola more suspicious- and she didn´t believe I could´ve met someone in the woods… even less a Burgeoys´ girl” Silence stretched between us

“If I found a line of these cupcakes –she was still looking at the distant trees- I might follow them…”

“Even out of the woods…?” I was glad she´d picked up on what I wanted to ask

“Maybe…”

**

“Lola, we have a visitor” I raised my voice as I opened the door the next Saturday after the cupcake Saturday. My Lola came out of the kitchen with a cup that I recognized as her coffee cup. It was old and had been painted by me in fourth grade as a mother day´s gift

“Good morning, Ms. Cooper” Nichole greeted as she entered the house. Lola replied then glanced my way

“Lola, this is Nichole, my friend from the woods… Kitten, this is my Lola” I had already told Nichole the only family I had was Lola and Theresa, my aunt and her husband. My uncle didn´t count because he had never came back or called since he left.

“Nice to meet you, Nichole… I thought my boy had started to have imaginary friends again”

“Nice to meet you too. I´m Ashley´s imaginary friend” Nichole vowed causing a laugh from grandma

Lola insisted in making breakfast for us even after Nichole told her she had already had breakfast but for Lola milk and cereal was no breakfast.

“Now that I know you´re not the product of Ash´s imagination or his dealer…”

“Lola!” I said with a frown and she snickered

“I want to know if you have permission to leave school to come here… specially on the day your parents are visiting” Lola raised one of her eyebrows to Nichole

“My parents are not there being left alone, so it´s ok”

“I thought they didn't give permission to go out on family visiting days” grandma said and Nichole took a sip of her orange juice… I wondered if she did that to avoid answering

“Lola?” I also wondered how she even knew of that

“You don´t have permission to go out, do you?” she questioned my friend

“Was the back road door still open when you went there?” Nichole said and I swear my jaw dropped to the floor. Grandma laughed

“I think they closed it because of me –she laughed some more –and I think they made the walls higher too”

“Oh, so it´s you I have to thank that for” Nichole smiled

“The future generations will thank you for the electric fence and the guard dogs”

“Lola, were you a Burgeoys' girl?” I interrupted their teasing. Lola smiled her gentle smile to me

“Yes, Ashley, I went to the school on the hill…” she said as if remembering those days I knitted my eyebrows “It was a long time ago”

“But your high school diploma says you went to the same high school I go”

“That´s where I graduated”

“Wow… why hadn´t you told me…?” It was always interesting to know things about Lola´s youth

“It was a long time ago…”

“But you always told me about you and grandpa when you were in high school”

“Well, my boy, I had planned to take my dirty little secret to the grave but you found yourself a wall jumper and I had to make sure if you weren´t going to be together with one of your cousins” she said… I guess she meant a relative not exactly a cousin since she was not my mom though to me she was and for her I was her son too.

“Lola! You tricked me to bring her!” I gasped and Lola´s eyes gleaned with satisfaction

“I might be old but I still got a trick or two”

“Well, is she my cousin?”  I asked keeping my voice the same but hoping she was not. I had started to like the girl a lot and it was going to be bad if we were related like that

“I don’t know. Since my parents disowned me I haven´t talked to my sister even though at the beginning I tried… Would you mind telling me your grandma´s name?” Lola smiled to Nichole who politely smiled back

“I don´t think I´m related to you… I didn´t get in through family ties… I´m the first generation that gets in” Nichole explained

“Oh, then we´re good” Lola smiled to me “just don´t get caught” she smiled to Nichole who seemed to find it odd that my grandma was condoning her coming out of school without permission and to be honest I was twice as surprised as her if not more.

“I won´t” Nichole replied and grandma chuckled shaking her head. I was just glad that Lola seemed to like Nichole and that Nichole had agreed to come, without her I wouldn´t have found that about Lola. 

**A/N***

surprise, surpise, I decided to put the A/N at the end. I thought of this one a while ago as I told my friend Saku I felt like writing something for her. I wish I could´ve done something better though but hey, it´s a miracle that I actually wrote it -I have no excuse for not to write, really- I hope at least some of it makes sense and I hope Ash does´t feel too different in this one.
That A/N makes me nervous, well the story does...

Salt Statue

There is a salt statue in the middle of the dessert. Her eyes downcast, her head slightly turned back to the green soft hills behind her. The direction of her feet is towards the sandy desert.

Sand storms hit her constantly. Salt is her body, painfully, the wind blows grains of it back to the hills. She stays still dry and hard, unable to move, halfway in the desert with her sight forever glancing back.

Every day she remembers what it was like to hear the song of the trees and feel the breeze blow her dress, the grass under her bare feet when she danced to the rhythm of her laughter...

...Until she was forced to run to the desert, fire chasing after her, her eyes crying grains of sand and salt. Her gods found her guilty of enjoying the simple things of her short life.

A salt statue with a beating heart that is so tired it wants to stop... but she can´t make it. The curious who walks by her listen to its echo like voices of ghosts and sinners and they run away like she wishes she could.

She´s an anonymous salt statue, standing still… a wonder of life, a joke of the gods. How long until rain comes to wash her away? 

Stranger

You were...

You were warmth spreading inside me in a cold winter day

You were gentle breeze caressing me in a hot summer day

You were...

You were that silly song that made me smile

You were the lyrics that touched the fibers of my heart

You were...

You were all that I wanted but didn´t know

You were what I´d never dare to take by force

You were...

You were a mirror that was kind without distorting my figure

You were a sweet hidden secret that never got to be a sin

You were...

You were the one thing that I thanked God for in my prayers

You were the one thing that I made a pledge to leave behind whenever another Hail Mary was said

You were...

You were so transparent

You were so thick

You were so weak

You were so strong

You were so blind

You were...

You were the cure and the dagger

You were what made me rise and what made me fall

You were...

You were what still a second ago brought a sweet memory to my mind

You were what the next second shattered it all

You were...

You are no more

You are still around but are no longer part of my present

You are a stranger now

You were...

…

.