one day

The day will come when we won't have to cry,

When the only pain will be in our bellies after laughing too much

The day will come when we see only sunrise, and the sun won't hurt our eyes and it will not burn our skin

The day will come when our dreams won't be anymore, they'll be our life;

Nightmares will be over, the memory of a life that's so deep in the past that it might just be a legend

The day will come when our hearts will be light as a feather and songs will burst out of our chest

I have seen that day, it's in my mind, it is not a story, it is not a dream, it is a fact. The clock's ticking, taking us closer to the moment we long for

It is right ahead in our path, waiting for us to arrive, at the right time, when we are supposed to, right when all the planets align and the stars shine and the sun forgets whether it's rising up or sinking in

The time will come

Oct 2014

**** The funny thing is that I get these moments in which I glimpse these things and then... pain comes and life happens... And it's just a dream but I guess that when I wrote it, the few minutes it took me to do it, when it poured out of my mind, I believed it, I saw it

sweet child.

Tomorrow you start a new phase in your life.

It feels like a little goodbye.

Your little hands couldn't be trusted upon me. That is sad.

But I know you'll be better that way.

You'll learn all sorts of things.

Maybe tomorrow you can tell me about them with your candid words;

I'll be so proud of you

Even if you are not mine

'Cause I love you so much

Tomorrow, at this time, you'll enter a new world

But you already had a glimpse of it

And you took it in stride

All confidence and curiosity,

You remind me so much of another sweet child I love.

Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be worried about you

And I'll be wondering if you feel lonely,

If you are crying, if you're scared

If you are hungry for a familiar face

I'll be wanting so bad to go to you and rescue you from my imaginary worries

Tomorrow, at the end of the day

I'll want to know all about your conquest and your success

And all about your tears and your fears

I'll long to hug you and tell you I'm so proud of you

That you're a brave, sweet child

That no matter how many others have done it already,this time is unique and especial,

Because it is you

So many quests await you,

So many journeys to take,

So many paths that'll lead you away and closer

So many wonders to discover

I wish I could be there to see you fly, to pick you up if you ever fall

From where I stay I'm worrying at the same time that I cheer for you,

I'm scared because the world is a scary place at the same time I know you'll be just fine because you're strong

Have an amazing day tomorrow, sweet child.

Oct 26 2014

Ella

When you sleep will it be with me?

That's a question in the song that's stuck in my head;

It's a question that once toyed with my brain.

She is dressed in a black elegant dress.

Only once she's let me see her curls, I mused, always straightened hair.

She's walking towards the stage.

In my eyes, she glides magnificently, she's a star.

I'm far apart, all the way across the ocean of people.

What if she calls me to her and I can't walk to her side, I fretted in my mind.

She's so beautiful.

She's ethereal to my eyes

You taught me that things don't have to be perfect for it to be perfect, I wrote for her.

From the distance, she looks at me, she smiles

I have a goofy grin. I love her smile, tiny smirk, it ignites her eyes.

I want to go to her.

I need her to come to me. She's smiling at me, and I think that she will come to me.

I'm all nerves, I'm all excitement

All I want to do is to look at her, in her black elegant dress.

I wake up with the warmth of her embrace,

Like when she used to hug me tightly

The sunlight bathes my room completely, it hurts my eyes 

It's five thirty in the morning

I want so bad to see her,

Only, Ella would make me wake up so early in the morning willingly

I shook my head and sighed. I hadn't dreamed of her in a while.

Ella.

Oct 25 2014

Manly

It is so weird that I wake up in the morning feeling like I've actually slept seven hours but that's how I woke up this morning when my alarm clock pull me out of my warm sleep. I have to change the tone of my alarm, I thought, it was a song I liked but I had started to hate it since it was the one that stole my dreams away.

I sat up, yawned and rubbed my eyes as I moved out from under the blanket. Blindly I looked for my sleepers with my feet lifting them quickly when they touched the cold floor. I stood up and pulled my pajama pants up, for some reason they always hung down my hips when I wake up.

Without turning the lights on, I went to the bathroom and automatically showered, my eyes were open but without seeing the light blue walls or really focusing in anything else. My hands washed my skin as I did every day for the past twenty two years. My father had always said that I showered wrong, I didn't care. He said you were to start from your head down and not from your feet up like I did. I huffed as I randomly thought about it, already cleaned and completely awake. One thing missing: to brush my teeth.

I keep my toothpaste and toothbrush inside a white cabinet with a mirror on its door over the sink. I put the blue paste on my toothbrush, I made a mental note to buy another, I'll soon need a new one. For some reason right before I start cleaning my teeth I always look at myself on the mirror.

After my shower mist had covered the mirror, I cleaned it with my hand and saw my reflection. I saw my eyes first, deep dark brown, the color of the kind of coffee that could keep you awake all night, my short eye lashes... My round face didn't look as round, instead it had angles, my jaw had changed, a shadow covered it. I touched my cheek

"I need to shave" my mind said to me knowing something I didn't. I blinked and focused on my face. I was so accustomed to see my face that I had assumed it was the same and had dismissed the new shape, the strong jaw line and squared forehead, the darker eyebrows, the short hair that I had just combed back with my fingers....even the fact that I had to bend down to properly look at my face on the mirror

I refocused my eyes, noticing my neck wasn't as thin as before and now it had something... "Adam's

apple" my brain informed me. Ok, I said appraising the slightly raised skin over the bone. And I moved my eyes lower, where my frail shoulders and lean arms had been I had broad shoulders and the arms that come with the body I had woken up in.

I looked at myself again, taking in my face, neck and naked shoulders. I looked a lot like my father but leaner. I looked like my brother but younger. I kinda looked like my father's brother but without curls. The man had always been handsome.

I realized this was me. I had gone to bed as a girl and had woken up as a man. I felt pleased, not because I had a new body but because like the other one, it was my body and I felt comfortable in it. Maybe my mind had changed a little, too, I liked the way I looked, I liked it a lot. With a laugh that didn't have my former higher pitch I went out of the bathroom. This was me.

Envy

I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was telling me about how her life's been going. She's doing pretty good. She just came back from a business trip. I had seen her pictures in one of so many social media sites. She's starting ESL classes this week, she's getting ready for a promotion at her job, she's gotten a boyfriend who apparently is a complete gentleman and also comes from a good family, she's planning a date with him this weekend to celebrate his graduation from university... She sounds so happy and I'm so happy for her and proud of her. She's a great friend and an amazing, smart person...

But...

It makes me a little sad, it's like she pointed out with her happiness and success that my life is still and that I have nothing going on anymore. I can totally do without the guy and it's not that I want what she has or that I wanna do what she's doing but I want to be doing my own things, to be moving forward.

I think if we had yearbooks n stuff like that, everybody would've said I was the most likely to success; even I believed it and I felt successful, getting a good job even before graduating... On the verge to move to my very own place, not having time for those French and Japanese lessons that I've always wanted, helping my family...feeling like I was making a positive influence in kids' lives... It was so good that it pretty much over shadowed my darkness, my sadness, my pain. I didn't mind it.

And...

I lost it, lost all that in the space of a step and the next. All I have now is darkness, sadness and pain. And I don't want to see or be seen by anybody and I don't dream and I don't wish and I don't plan for the future anymore and all I want is the end. My life is winter, all rain and dark sky.

Still...

I'm glad that my friend is doing well and I wish her the best, she's worked so hard for it. Even though it points out, in my mind, that I'm dead even if I live, it feels a little like it's my success, my happiness. Who wouldn't feel grateful when the ones they love are happy?

Doves' Cry

Doves with their sad song remind me of you, Their delicate eyes make me think of your serious expression And of the smiles that you smiled only for me.

It's not night anymore but it's not properly day either, But I'm awake and writing with bleary eyes, You're on my mind. You don't believe me, I know.

I'm awake, It's not dawn yet,
Sitting on my bed still under the blankets
As if I have to write about you
At these unholy hours just because you're an early riser.
I smile.

***
written: oct 12th

Hunter

thx for the picture Saku. it help me to write, finally, this little one

Once upon a time, there was a woman who lost fear and in doing so she decided to go back to where fear had stained her whole life, plunging her in an abyss of darkness until she painfully climbed up back to the cliff and back to the thick woods where she knew horrors awaited. Now she knew unlike the year before when she had been hunted. Now, she was the hunter.

As the wind rustled her long cloak and messed her hair; she remembered the night that marked her life forever. Like tonight it had been windy but unlike tonight she hadn’t been on her way to the deep woods but on her way to her old run-down house somewhere in the skirts of the forest. She had moved only a month before having nowhere to go but the old property that she hadn’t even known existed until her grandmother and guardian had passed away.   

That night, the moon had been full and bright making patterns on the poor lit street, it was such a quiet town, she had thought then half-shocked of how even hours to midnight everybody was inside, closed windows and locked doors. The hunter huffed mentally, maybe they all had known what creatures lurked at night like what she didn’t and it happened at the turn of a corner with a faltering lamplight. Back when she was not yet a hunter, she´d been swept up her feet by a man that took her to the middle of the woods to a cave lit by the moon where he showed the monster he was.

She hadn’t even had time to scream when the monster bit into the flesh of her neck, long canines sinking in, blood rushing out warm and sticky and he held her there lapping at the spilling blood coming fast as her heart beat increased.

“Olivia” he had whispered her name with his gravely monster voice not letting her go. She had begged for mercy, to let her go. He didn’t and she had to spend the night crutched against the cave wall as the werewolf covered the entrance but he fell asleep and at dawn, in his sleep she ran away  through the woods, she had fell, scrapped her  hands  and knees but had gotten up and had kept running out of the woods.

Olivia was not the same anymore, back then she wouldn’t have come back to these woods even if for some reason when the moon was full she had the urge in the back of her mind to go back and she worried thinking that she that the scar of the bite meant she´d turn into a monster too, but Amaris showed her it didn’t have to be that way.

Amaris; Olivia almost smiled thinking of her aunt, the one that supposedly was crazy, the one that had taken her in when she had ran away with nothing from her old house, afraid that the monster was behind her. Amaris had been the one that had noticed her agitation and when she had discovered her scar by accident had known exactly what it was and had untied the scarf she always wore to show a faded scar, almost identical to Olivia´s on her neck.

“Am I going to become a monster?” had been Olivia´s first question and then she had stuttered her next question “A-ar-are you like the?” Amaris had grinned what then had felt like a wolfish grin and the creaking of the rocking chair had made it scary but her voice had been soothing and she had have a solution. It was time to take that solution to completion

The moon looked like a wicked grin on the black sky, the clouds pushed by the wind left the woods in darkness at times like that time with the lamplight but unlike then, now Olivia didn’t need the light to see, the soft moon beams were enough and though she didn’t known the path she knew it, the monster had made sure of that.

“Be careful-Amaris had said when she left her large white house- he might be waiting for you”. Better, Olivia thought, let him known I´m looking for him and that I’ll find him with the ´gifts´ he gave me.

Amaris had explained that the bite was a bond that signaled she´d been chosen to be the wolf´s mate and that though she´d left it´d call to her so that she returned to him, he had marked her as his and in time even if she didn’t want to she´d go and fill her place. Olivia had been so scared to know this. How could he do that, she´d wondered in panic, it was a terrible fate. She´d started to cry but Amaris had only smiled that wolfish grin again

“You use it to your advantage” she´d said

“But how?” Oli had sobbed. Fear had plagued her heart. The urge to go back had been more and more with each full moon.

Amaris had taught her how and now as she swiftly walked guided by her enhanced sense of smell, she almost tasted his mind, the ghost of his thoughts; that had been one more of the gifts, she felt him, his joy and anger, his longings and happiness.

“Does he taste my emotions too… I mean can they…?” Oli had asked Amaris once when they were training, the old aunt was remarkably strong for a lady of her age, a gift from the wolf, she’d explained to her niece and pupil

“I don’t know –Amaris replied-never paused to ask him” she´d delivered a blow that Oli hadn’t been able to block but she had smiled, she´d understood, she wouldn’t be pausing to ask any questions either.

Oli felt the wolf before seeing it and he came her way, slow and making no sound, his amber eyes resembled fire. He was glad to see her coming, perhaps thinking his magic had finally bent her will. She grinned and vaguely wondered if like Amaris her grin looked wolfish now. The werewolf came closer and with the speed that he had given her she slashed out, he, of course, was fast and avoided her long silver sword, the hilt embedded in her palm, silver also had started to affect her after she had bitten her but she was used to the burning, she revealed in it as a sign of her vengeance and she furiously and expertly swung and tried again as she read surprise in him, he dodged, bared his teeth before howling low conjuring his magic. Oli felt a pull that almost made her drop her sword and she screamed out of fury and lunged at him again and when she was close enough to him she let her old self takeover, the frightened girl of the next morning after he bit her. It made the wolf pause and focus his amber eyes on her dark ones instead of her sword that came down on his neck. Her silver sword went through flesh and his howl was also torn as his head left his body: wolf head, man´s body, a revealed truth of the monster he was.

Once again at dawn Olivia walked through the thick woods, sword in its sheath, the beast head in her hand, the scar that had signaled her imposed bond already fainting. Olivia could hear in the distance the others in his pack stealthily backing away. She could not be controlled now yet she had all the advantages of the monster still, if they came, she´d be ready and their heads would accompany the golden wolf head and the black one in Amaris basement.