concert

I was in a concert. I´ve never been in a concert. It was some kind of rock concert, maybe I could go to some concert like that. There was a female singer singing. My father was there with me, not next to me but close, I could see him if I turned my head back and he could see me as well, I knew he was watching me but I felt ok, safe. Suddenly, the singer tossed the mic to the guy behind me. I couldn´t care less but then he threw it to me, not threw it but put it on my lap. I got mad and threw it back aiming to hit the man as hard as it could be.

A minute later I feel the man close giving me the mic and talking almost to my ear, he was still siting on his seat, he had just leaned over to talk to me, he had a nice, deep, sexy voice. His hair was long and somewhat wavy, he had a beard, the kind that´s sexy not the dirty kind -I usually don´t like beards but yeah, his was nice. He tried to make sing along the female singer, he was being nice and flirty somehow.

Next thing I know... I´m sitting on his lap. I see him better from this angle. I find his black leather jacket really sexy and manly. He´s wearing a black t-shirt with some sort of band print on. Some strands of his black wavy hair are over his face, he´s smiling a nice smile, flashing perfect teeth but not too much just enough. I´m holding the mic and he starts singing, not really more like mumbling but his voice is unbelievable, he gets sexier, if possible. He takes my wrisk. I notice his arms, they´re hairy and I usually dislike that but in him... well, the whole wild/sexy look.... well, it suits him. He sings and I laugh and watch him as he watches me back almost as if he were thinking that I look good too.

We´re there and the concert... well keeps going. I noticed then that I was wearing a skirt and legging under it... of course, that´s the only way I´d wear a skirt, I´m also notice I´m wearing boot but why am I noticing this when I´ve been fixed looking at the handsome man that´s now my seat... well, simply -and shockingly- because he passed a hand over my thigh and sort of gropped it, I moved his hand away and he didn´t seem taken aback at all, he just did it again, this time... well, that was getting too close to not being my thigh at all. I was shocked and he just smiled, something gleaming in his eyes.

I rose from his lap and walked away as fast as I could but without running. My father had been watching me and from the corner of my eye I had seen him move to the rows below where I was... maybe he didn´t want to see his little girl on the lap of some wild/sexy looking guy. I went to him and just when I reached him, I sat on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck as if saying a silent "protect me" since I knew the guy was comming after me.

The guy got closer and looked at me but then my father looked back, stared back and gave him his characteristic look of "go away or else you´ll regret it" the guy seemed to ponder a little, but father has a very powerful sight that this time didn´t fail -and it has never has- the guy left not glancing back at me, yet I still stayed cling to father...

We got up and then saw the moon high up in the dark night sky... as the nigh was becoming day, I saw the guy I had been with... he didn´t see me, I just smiled to myself, for my bawldness. Father and I stood there watching the sun rise...

*****
let me tell you reader, that yes, indeed, you just lost your time reading something that´s not a story, poem or anything similar, it´s just a weird dream I had the first night after I got those pills that makes me feel dizzy and as if Im doing drugs -which in the strict term I kind of am. As I wrote this dream, I thought that it might become a story, the guy... well he´s not what´s usually on my mind, that´s not my image of guys but he was ok. It´d b a different kind of story but maybe not... ah, another reason to post some of my dreams is to show how many of my stories have come to life. I´ve dreamed many of the scenes of the stories just like this and at times just the begining or the ending or some middle part.

Left behind

I know I´m sleeping but then maybe that means I´m not really sleeping, right? no, I definetely know I´m sleeping. I can feel my soft and only pillow that I let my head to rest on and that I just started to use because the first time I lay my head on it it reminded me of the feeling I got when I once slept over someone's chest. I must be asleep, I also sense the hard little balls that for some reason I know are black that are the stuffing of my stuffed piggy that I can´t let go when I sleep or else I just put my hands on a fist that only hurts myself since my not-really long nails clip into my skin. I also feel my bed and the very old but very comfortable blanket and... well everything indicates I´m sleeping on my room.... but then, why am I looking through my window? why am I looking through my eyelids to be precise? is that even possible, I must be sleeping and not only sleeping but dreaming.

In a far distance it seems to be a light, a firefly? ok then why is it growing brighter and bigger? that´s definetely not a firefly. The little spot got bigger and brighter but it wasn´t the kind of brightness that hurts your eyes but a very nice light, a golden light, I´d say like the sun when it´s setting but not as yellow, it had that feeling of warmth though but not hot, only warmth.

I started to see a shadow comming from the golden warm light. For what I see, it´s a man, one that I´ve never seen before, he has a nice face and kind eyes, he´s not particularly handsome but I wouldn´t call him ugly either, he´s just nice and kind and warm as the light he´s comming from... He keeps walking in that light and of course he seems to grow bigger as he gets closer. I´m not sure how I´m able to see him, he´s not only outside my window that´s covered by a fabric courtain and a thicker courtain, yes, two courtains, also, my eyes are closed. He goes through the window and the fabric and the other courtain.

As he walks closer to me, I decide that I like him, he seems nice. He keeps walking until he reaches the base of my bed... but it seems he doesn´t find it close enough, he goes through my mattress, as if he was a ghost of some kind but I know he´s no ghost, just at my feet he stops and lift one of his hands in a graceful non-threatening way. I want to take that hand, I know if I take it I´ll get up and who knows, maybe we´ll leave from where he came from.

I lift my hand ready to take his, he´s kind and seems to be smiling though he´s not really smiling. as I´m about to take his, my hand is just not long enough and I can´t even graze his fingers with mine. I know he grinned though once again his face never changed but I know he did, not in a malicious way, he just grinned kindly and then left in the same way he had come in but faster.

I opened my eyes and my hand was reaching out to... what I had seen, I guess. I inmediately felt a sense of loss. I wanted to take his hand but I just couldnt get up. I really wanted to go but he grinned as he left and well... I was left behind.

Double Life: Watching over you

A/N: uff! I finally managed to post this one. It took a while... well, the next part is almost done,so hopefully this week there´ll be another update.
****

The party had lasted up to three in the morning, by that time almost everybody were gone, including the twin´s parents. Aaron was drunk as well as the girls that were snuggling with him. Josh was a little tipsy but he clearly saw a shadow pass. He got up from the sofa he was on. Aaron and the girls didn´t notice as he didn´t notice the person he left talking alone. Josh tried to remember the way to go to the pond. She might go there, she thought.

She wasn´t there, he started to walk around the placefor some reason he was certain that she was out there. He ended up at the gates of the property and saw a lean shadow outside.He smiled despite his now sore feet. He walked to her, she was gazing at the road.

“Nic” he called out to her, she didn´t respond, she didn´t even move, so he walked closer thinking thinking she hadn´t heard him.

“party  ´till the sun comes out, ha?” she made a tone that was only an attempt to sound cheerful. Josh thought he saw tears welling in her eyes.

“Nightmares?” he asked.
“quite similar” her face went back to be the smooth mask that she wore all the time, not the happy expression she had have when they ate the cake. He didn´t have time to ask her if she was ok. She spoke again “how was the photo shoot?” she was still looking at the road that lead to the city.

“my shallow narcissistic side liked it but after a little while and my mom´s views of how we should look made me want to go back to the pond”
“I see” she started to walk
Double life:

“I see” she said starting to walk back. Josh followed her.
“It would´ve been nice to get a picture with you…”
“Why?” she quickly replied. Her demeanor made him feel shy. She noticed he hunched a little. “I do not get pictures taken” she knew what question would follow and she had the perfect answer ready. She smiled slightly in anticipation.
“Why?” a curious Josh wondered as she had expected.
“I don´t come out in pictures kind of a mirror and a vampire thing” she chuckled and walked faster in that gracious cat-like manner she had. Josh couldn´t help to stare and he even almost expect that she told him not to. He chuckled as he walked faster to catch up to her.

Before Josh could catch up to her he heard his twin´s voice talking loud.
“Hey, Nickie... You stayed!” his words were dragged by the alcohol´s effect.
“Now I´m going to break your nose” she hissed walking even faster, ready to punch him. She had warned him so to her it was fair game.
“Aww, come on –he opened his arm widely, in a hug manner- forgive me beautiful” Aaron knelt down as she got closer. She started to run towards him.
She  was either very fast of his drunken state made his eyes to work slower for he felt he was getting up but she was now closer grabbing hard his shoulder.  My nose, he thought. She pulled him to a side and they tripped falling on the grass. He blinked as he noticed he was on top of her. He smirked “I like this”
Nichole huffed moving to put him down, she was straddling him now. Here gaze pierced him. Josh had run to where they were.  Aaron tried to get up but she pushed him down as she stood up.

“Nic, are you ok?” Josh asked worried, all traces of the tipsiness gone. He leaned to help his twin. “You ok, Aaron?”
“I´ll have a horrible hangover but yeah” Aaron was pretty much unaffected, oblivious to what had happened.
“You almost got run by a car!” Josh exclaimed to a surprised Aaron. He glanced at Nichole who was blankly staring at the path were the SUV had passed.
“Thank you” Aaron said and she nodded.
“Do you know who´s car is that? Nic asked. Aaron looked at his twin.
“Yeah… That´s the car of the girls that were with you earlier”
“Was any of them the driver?” she inquired knowing that they must´ve been drunk though it didn´t seem that it had been an accident.
“No way, they have someone to drive them everywhere”
“Have you ever seen him?”
“They mentioned they have a new driver” Josh replied
“mmh”

“What´s going on?” Aaron´s drunken voice interrupted “Why you two always leave me out?!” he finished attempting to put an arm over Nic´s shoulder. She took his arm and in a quick motion she took if off of her and twisted over his back
“ow, ow, ow, I´m sorry, ow, let go of me” he complained
“Never, under any circumstance, touch me again” she hissed
“ok, ok, just let go”
She let him go and without glancing back at any of them she walked away towards the house.
“Where´s she going now?” Aaron asked. Josh shrugged shaking his head but helping his twin to go back to the house.

Nichole had looked pretty mad. He knew he was going to have to apologize again and to make Aaron apologize as well. Josh sighed.
Back at the house there were no traces of Nichole. She didn´t go back to school until Tuesday.

As Josh walked into the classroom he saw her.  She had her forehead over her hands, resting on her desk. Maybe she was sleeping because her body was slowly moving up and down as she breathed. He decided not to talk to her in case she was resting. The bell ran and as the rest of the students filled the classroom Josh called her name twice with no answer. He was about to poke her shoulder but stopped his hand mid-air remembering how upset she got when touched. He called her name again but he got no answer from her.  When the teacher got into the classroom, however; she stood up as everybody else and greeted the teacher, this was a requirement of the school, every time a teacher entered, the students had to stand up and greet that teacher and sit until he or she said.
The classes started, Josh noticed that for the first time since he had seen her she was not looking out the window. She was looking down at her notebook, her head over her hand as if she was resisting to fall asleep.

The bell for recess sounded, everybody quickly left the room. Nichole didn´t make any move to go, she just rested her head over her desk. Josh thought he heard her groan. The teacher left only paying a glance at them, the only ones in the room.
Josh sat on the desk next to hers.

“Nic, are you ok?” worry in his voice. She didn´t move or made any sound. She can´t have fallen asleep this quick he thought. “Nichole, is everything ok?” he asked closer to her but far enough to avoid upsetting her.
“Nic…”
“I´m fine” she said barely audible not sounding fine at all.
“Nic, maybe you shoud go to your room and rest… you don´t look or sound fine at all”
“geez, thanks for the compliment” she ws obviously making an effort to sound sarcastic but her barely audible voice didn´t help.
“I mean it, Nic… I mean… -he felt his resolve waver, he wasn’t sure why- I mean what happened to you?” Josh heard her sigh but in the process of doing so she grunted as if she was in pain. “At least go back to your room and get some sleep… I´m guessing you won´t let me take you to the infirmary… -he said more of a statement than a guessing- you´d run or something” He waited her answer but she never did. “It´s not like you don´t have the biggest brain in this whole school, missing another day of classes wont damage you grades” Nichole heard the worry in his voice grow. She was quiet for a couple of seconds before speaking.
“I need something to focus” she sounded defeated and talking seemed to take a great effort from her.
“Nic..” he started before she interrupted him
“later, Josh”

He sighed and leaned his back on the desk. He knew that if she wasn´t in bad state she´d probably had protested against him staying or had jumped out of the window but she didn´t say a thing, she just kept her forehead over her desk breathing very slowly as if she was sleeping.

updates?

ok -rant warning ---just skip it ´cause it has little to do with updates, it mostly ranting

All right, I was supposed to update Double Life today but the fact that my computer/internet´s not helping me right now makes that so, so hard. Besides I´m sharing my computer with someone else and I´m supper obssessed with this stories I´ve found -slash btw- hahahaha I´m still writing Double Life though, I´m writing on my old notebook, so eventually there´ll be a lot to update -hopefully- It´s been raining so that´s good for my muses except that for some reason I feel like crying -something I hate- God! there´s a lot going on. I was so damn happy yesterday and today it´s all the same as yesterday yet  I feel the opposite of what I felt yesterday. It´s quite strange.


I´ve been thinking, for a while now, that I want to make a list of my peculiarities... well, I´ve decided to  post some of that. Why? I just feel like it. I think I´ll add it as a gadget at the side of this middle part -weird wording, I know- to make it easy for me to write stuff when they come to my mind.

Hell Circles -the extra, is going well, I think it might even become a sequel, something that I have never done, so it´ll be my first attempt at that -wish me luck- it´s the first time it feels right to make a sequel but I don´t know about that, it might only stay as an epilogue, or an extra, though since last night it´s been hunting me, nagging me to get written, and it´s going so fast, in my mind I´m so advance in the story but my hand is not that fast to write, even though I must say I´m quite fast, plus the ideas keep comming as waves, one after the other -btw that´s one of the ideas I plan to use in the sequel or extra or whatever that will be.

I´ve also thought about writing something related to inspiration and where it comes from for me. I´ve always said that it comes from everything but I guess I want to know for sure and the only way for me to do that is writing about it. I write, I understand -or get close to understanding.

---I just saw the movie City of Angels. It made me want to write or read some story about angels -again, yes. It also makes me want to meet an angel... a real one, not the kind that only feels like an angel at some point and then nothing... ha! I´m entitled to fantasize -specially over here.

I´ve been feeling strange. I shiver. I´m insomniac again and it seems I don´t feel like eating anymore -I´m eating though, forcing myself to eat is not nice though- it´s so cold at times yet so hot at times....

Double Life: Happy Birthday

“Josh” a whisper guided him to a shadow under a big tree, a few meters away from the house. As he walked towards the voice that called him his eyes grew accustom of the dark.

“I was starting to believe I wasn’t going to eat birthday-cake” Nic said tasting the icing of the cake. Josh smiled and she smiled too. “It´s good. Happy Birthday, Josh” she hugged him with one arm. He made her stay a little longer wrapping both his arms around her waist. “I´m concerned about that cake you´re balancing at my back” she said feeling somewhat uncomfortable. Her breath tickled his ear and he clucked as he let go of her.

Without another word she started to walk forward,deeper into the shadows of  the big trees that covered the garden. Josh follower her. They walked in silence until they reached a small artificial pond, it was surrounded by flowers and small bushes trimmed in shapes. There was a very long bench in which Nichole sat to quietly eat her cake.

“I couldn´t take the drinks” Josh apologized as he sat next to her.
“mmh” she mumbled “my mom designed this whole place” she continued sharing her thoughts for the first time “she dreamed of this pond, of the fish in it, even ...the lights...” the girl´s mind seemed to be somewhere else.
“she was a great designer. The house and this place are beautiful” Josh complimented with a small smile
“she never got to see any of it” Nichole´s voice was sad and distant.
“I bet she was only thinking on you when she planned it all, so she´s seeing it through you” when Josh looked at Nichole she was smiling at him, she seemed pleased with the possibility that Josh had brought.
“you´re good” she smiled
“I must be good indeed, look at you, smiling” he winked. Nic laughed
“right” she rolled her eyes and put the now empty plate on the grass. She laid down on the bench to look up to the trees and the sky that could be seen through the tree´s leaves.
A comfortable silence fell upon them, they stayed like that for a while.

“You should go back to your party” Nic broke the silence. Her eyes were closed, her voice had been quiet as if she was about to fall asleep.
“It´s ok, I like it here”
“being in the dark while everybody else is having fun?” her tone purposely showing disbelief. Her eyes still closed.
“It´s not much fun to be with the same people every single minute”
“I see... They´ll miss you though”
“Do you want me to go?” Josh tone was somewhat offended.
“I think you might regret wasting your time here”
“I´m spending my birthday the way I want. What´s best than that for a birthday?” he lifted an eyebrow but Nic still had her eyes closed, however; a smile was drawn on her face. They remained silent after that. The breeze started to get cold.

By that time, Josh observed the dark scenery in which they were was not really dark, lights were close to the edge of the pond making it look like a black shiny glass. Some leaves of the flowers covered bits of the lights making interesting tiny patterns where the shadows fell. The sound of a cricket was heard as well a the sound of a frog somewhere near the pond and then it jumped into it.

“I like fogs” Nic commented. Josh looked down to her. Her arms were folded, she seemed cold, after all she was only wearing a tank top. Jack took off his jacket and put it over her as a blanket. She didn´t motion at all but he saw the tiny crease between her eyes disappear. Her face was smooth again. He wondered what she was thinking. She really was a quiet person.

“what are you thinking?” he asked, the curiosity becoming too much. She snapped open her eyes and stared at him causing him to blush lightly.
“Is your family here?” she closed her eyes again. He didn´t know if that was the answer to his question or just her way of pushing him away of her private thoughts.
“I saw mom and dad earlier but I doubt they´re still here, I´m not sure... I think some of my cousins might be around too”
“Don´t you want to be with you family?... I remember you were upset for being sent to a boarding school” she explained knowing he´d get angry thinking she didn´t want his company. I kind of like it, she admitted to herself, he´s the opposite of what I am.

“I was upset for the fact that it was a punishment -he sighed- not because I was really homesick, maybe a little, but not really, maybe even on the contrary” he explained laying down as Nichole had done a long while ago. The top of their heads was touching.

“If I hadn´t limited my deadly touch to my hand, you´ll be dead by now” she thought somewhat scared that it might actually happen.
“Did you have motives to want to be away?” he asked noticing the hint of that he had added, that means he is willing to share, she thought.
“mh, well, yeah.... well, it´s not like people at school and our neighbourhood were going to be nice after what happened..”
“And...” she prompted when a silence fell upon them
“I was dumped quite in a scandalous manner... that´s not something that´d make you want to stay”
“ah... too bad she didn´t believe in you” she sympathized
“eh?” he uttered his confusion at the strange comment.
“she dumped you after the fight that got you expelled” Nic heard Josh sighed confirming she´d been right about Josh’s scandalous ex-girlfriend but she was not going to ask since doing so meant he was going to be free to pry in her life as well. And, it was his birthday after all, the event had made a big impact on him, making it a no as a birthday topic. The silence that had fallen was broken by Josh´s cellphone.

“Hello” he answered and heard the person speaking “just out” he chuckled. Nic guessed it was his twin. “ah, come on!” Josh complained to the phone “ah, ok” he finished and put his phone back on his pants pocket.

“mom wants pictures -he said to Nichole who seemed to be asleep- they´re about to cut the cake” he informed and she laughed quietly taking the empty plate and moving it in a toast manner. He chuckled. “I´m leaving now” he announced.

“You´re jacket” she said starting to remove it.
“Keep it” He took the empty plates and slowly walked back to  the house
“Happy birthday Josh” she said as he left. She adjusted the jacket to cover her better.

Double Life: Partying

A/N: I must say this -despite it is a spoiler- Saku: even though this has the mention of cake and gifts -no where near as creative as the ones you thought for ZG- I promise this was written before I read both you pieces. Too bad I was too lazy to edit before....

*****

While walking past the library she wondered if her father had allowed the people to come in the kitchen, she wasn´t sure, she knew that he had kept all her mother´s rules for his household, like the one which said that kitchen was only for the family. She hoped that one hadn´t changed. It had and it hadn´t, she noticed a man dressed in chef suit leaving the kitchen with some snacks besides him it was empty. She went straight to the fridge and bingo! she found a large square shaped cake, it was untouched. She decided not to touch it, instead she took a few tarts in a plate and some juice, that one did belong to her.

“But I wanted cake!” Camille pouted when she saw the tarts
“But it wasn´t cut yet, it was going to be obvious that someone had cut it before time if I had done it” Nichole explained “would you want me getting caught like that?”
“No” the little girl said defeated after a few minutes.
“aw, don´t worry, I´ll go down again later and try to get some” both girls smiled.

At nine p.m Camille had to go to bed and she didn´t want to, Nichole had to stay with her but after all the dancing they had done, the little girl was fast asleep really quickly. Nichole said good night to Celia and headed to her room but she kept thinking about the cake, it had looked nice. “I´ll bring some cake for Camille next time” she said to herself and with that she went downstairs again.
As she passed over the library she noticed someone was in there, she decided to see, since that area of the house was not open to the public.

“How did you get in here?” she said turning the lights on. A girl squealed and ran out without seeing who had caught her. Nichole couldn´t believe her eyes when she recognized the boy laying on the white lounge chair.
“Nichole?” said the boy shocked “I thought you weren´t coming” he got up at once and fixed his shirt.
“I didn´t know you wear lipstick, Aaron” she smirked. The boy blushed and cleaned his mouth with the back of his hand.
“You came” he said.
“No, you came and now get out of here, you shouldn´t be here”
“You are here”
“Out you go” she said motioning towards the door
“Why would you tell me that you weren´t comming?” he asked walking out the door.
“´Cause I haven´t come” she said locking the door “How did you come in?” she asked
“It was opened”
“Impossible”
“Why do you care?” he asked walking to the lit part of the house. She frowned and walked the opposite direction.

“Hey, where are you going? the party is this way” he called after her, walking her direction
“Exactly” she kept walking “Go back to it”
“Ah, come on, you´re already here. Don´t tell me you are mad at me”
“Actually I am”
“For the girl?” he felt hopeful that she had been affected by the fact that he had been kissing another girl. Nichole laughed
“Heck no. That chair is my favorite and now who knows who´s saliva is all over it, agh!”
“Your favorite?”
“Stop following me!”
“No”
“Damn you twins! why do you keep following me?”

Nichole entered to the TV room and closed the door, to her surprise the lights were on.
“Nichole, I´ve been looking for you!” a familiar voice said
“Josh?” she walked towards him, the door behind her was opened and Aaron got it. “geez, what is this? the twins attack horror movie?” she said frowning to Aaron and smiling to Josh.
“Did you know about this?” Josh asked Nic
“No, I didn´t know father was letting the house to be used to throw parties” she had an irked tone
“I was so surprised when they drove us here!” he replied.
“Is there something here that I´m missing?” Aaron asked looking at them both. Josh looked at Nichole, she shook her head lightly.
“Thank you for the present. I loved it” Josh said to avoid his twins question. “and thank you on Aaron´s behalf too”
“You´re welcome. I´m glad you liked the jacket” she smiled, he was wearing it.
“Thank you for the present” Aaron said, showing the tie “I wasn´t expecting a gift from you”
“well, I was buying a present for your twin, I had to get something for you” she said nonchalant “that´s what people do”

“Ouch. That was cold” he said, Josh chuckled and Nichole shrugged.
“So, you two should go back to your party”
“Come with us” they both said. She looked away to avoid a laugh.
“Nope, I got somewhere else to be” She stepped out and the boys followed her. She walked further into the house and the boys were behind her

“what´s wrong with you guys?” she sounded more than a little irritated. They only looked at each other. She turned and got to the kitchen “give me some cake at least to compensate the bother” this time her tone was amused. She thought of the puppies she once had, before her deadly touch, they were always following her.

Aaron busied himself cutting the cake in the fridge. Nichole made a sign to Josh to be quiet and pointed outside. Quietly she left the kitchen while Josh pretended to not find the spatula.

“Where´s Nichole?” Aaron asked as he served the first piece of cake
“I.. she went to the W.C” Josh lied while Aaron grabbed the other plate to put the second piece of cake. “´Don´t you think it´d be way easier if you took the whole cake out, instead of having to pretty much get in the fridge to get a single piece?”
“shut up and pass me the other plate” Aaron commanded while handing the second serving
“cut a big piece for me and while you´re at it, take out some soda, I think it´s at the bottom shelf” Josh asked while walking backwards to the back door of the kitchen taking the two pieces of cake with him. 

this sucks

You gotta learn to manage crisis, father said, in order to survive and cope in life -he continued his ´cheer-up´ speech and he finished with something I didn´t really listened, my tears had by now started to stain my face.

"Well, I wanted to say if a knot hadn´t been chocking my throught, that´s the point, I don´t want to survive, I don´t want to cope, I don´t even want this life or any life at all"
I couldn´t say that. I knew I was not only going to hurt him but also my mother, they´re already hurt by what´s going on with me and I guess it´s enough burden to just see me like this, sick and sicker and nobody seems to give a real answer to what´s wrong with me. Throughout my life I´ve been called a miracle child, over and over I was in danger of not being born at all, in the last time, when I was about to be born, father had to make a choice, mother or me. They´ve told me he prayed and prayed and made pacts with God so that we both lived. We did. I don´t want to be disgrateful but I trully wish, for a long long time now, perhaps over half of my life, that God hadn´t heard him at all.

On Thursday of last week my boss e-mailed me to tell me that I cannot miss any more days from work and that if I was going to keep missing days -I, of course, have medical reasons- then that I should send someone to replace me.

Today, no matter what, I thought, I´m not staying home any more days... this afternoon I went to the doctor again for another check-up... I might have not only one but two different conditions... The doctor prescribed more days at home -I´ll have to go back to the hospital tomorrow first thing in the morning for more tests, more shots, more needles draining my blood. I can´t lose my fucking job, I´ve already given up my second job, if I lose this one I won´t even be able to keep going to the doctor, I like my job I can´t lose it.

I need to get better at once, like over-night or really I need to die inmediately. Whatever, I this point I don´t really care what will happen after I die, or the ´bucket´list that´s been in my head for sometime now or all the things that I wanted to do or being bad for not thanking for my life, or the fact that mother says that she´d die if anything happens to me, or that she says that father might die or kill himself if anything happens to me or that my beloved brother might miss me forever or all the things that I could do, or that I´ve never been told that I´ve inspired loved -like real love by someone that doesnt have to feel that for me- I don´t care about any of that. I just want all of this to end, the pain, the goings to the doctor, the not knowing what´s wrong with me, the fact that everybody keeps asking why am I sick being so freaking young or seemingly healthy, the looks that people give me... the worrying about losing my job, the worries about money, all the thinking, all the lack of sleep, the sadness for being sick so long -what feels like forever- I just want all this to end.

My life trully sucks.

Sunset

This is how the sun looked at the end of this summer -during May-

with the sun like this, it was kinda hard to drive, this is exactly how I saw the street ahead of me

This is on of my favorite of this bunch because of how the sunlight was reflected on the street

Wandering: falling to blackness

A/N: it´s been so long... I hope next part takes less time... but who knows... 

looking out the window, feeling the air caressing her skin she  felt light, just a bit. “Finally over” Anna thought remembering the whole night,the guests and the praises they got at the nice Christmas dinner. It had been so tiring, it was so tiring to pretend she was ok and it was so hard to try to pretend she was happy, she was sure she didn't play that part well for her mother glanced her a couple of times and then frowned a bit at her. She had excused herself as soon as it was possible. She felt that couldn't fall asleep but she didn't want to be out pretending what she wasn't feeling any more.

Looking out the window at the blue sky stained with white cotton-look-like clouds she wanted to be able to freeze time, just for a little while at least. “Why can't I just grow up wings and fly away?” she thought
“That´s just silly” Scire stated. Anna said nothing “what makes you think being a bird is so good? haven´t you heard that the more cities grow the less home for birds, the less food as well. Human beings are so careless of other species, it´s not convenient to be any other”
“Human beings are careless of their own specie as well”
“True and it´s even worst for the rest, plus would you like to be one of those caged birds your family keeps in the back?”
“Are you really me? I mean you´re so annoying and contradictory, you must be some annoying ghost that got attached to me somehow” Anna said and they both half-smiled.

It was so quiet and nice. The sky was beautiful. Among all that piece she felt a little light, just a little because for the most part she was wondering “what will bring tomorrow?” and she was uncertain of that and felt no energy of knowing or anything at all, just to watch the sky . She knew exactly how she looked there watching the sky: sad with a lost stare. “Keep it together, girl” she said but it didn't matter today, everyone had left and she was alone. She didn't want to go out today, the happiness, pretended or not, the excitement of others only made her feel even sadder if that was possible. She smiled and even laughed but those never reached her heart, it was just a reaction, what was proper to do. “Going with the flow, ha?” Scire had teased her last night and she was right. It was just that.

“I don’t want to be like this, Scire”
“No wind will come to talk you and change you”
“Once again, are you here like my very own personal tormentor? I know there´s no talking wind, that was just the fever”

The madness of Christmas was over. It was really ironic because from the eyes of an outsider it all would´ve been normal, a nice family dinner, no incidents, people smiling, making jokes, hugs around midnight, watching the fireworks and opening presents, but for Anna who could walk backstage it was all a play in which they all were mere actors, playing a part, she at least was playing the part that had been assigned to her. She was glad it was over, Christmas and the end of the year were such sad celebrations for her now, they got sadder because they had been her favorite ones.

“one day they might be your favorite ones again” Scire chimed in
“who cares? I don´t think it´ll mean anything, anyways”  Anna swallowed another pill
“you should be careful with those pills” Scire adviced. Anna smiled humorlessly
“I´m not about to commit suicide if that´s what worries you. I´m sure it wouldn´t work anyways. I´d just get my stomach washed and people thinking I´m crazy”
“you are crazy”
“I´m not stupid” Anna said this time out loud
“so, suicide is out of the question?” a mocking tone came from Scire.
“it´s not that, just that … there´s no...effective way so far” Anna stared blankly out her window.
“ah, so you´re planning our suicide?”
“I don´t think it´s me that´s planning anything, the ideas come on their own”
“shouldn´t you be wanting to live?” Scire´s voice was hardly ever affected by Anna´s words
“life is overrated”
“no body wants to die, are you not afraid of death?”
“why should I be? I´m more afraid of living like this for who knows how long. Nothing makes sense and you know it perfectly well”
“then make sense of it”
“I´m too tired of trying to make sense of things, it´s so tiresome, even trying doesn´t make sense when it all ends up the same”
“have you always been this negative?
“I don´t know anymore, it´s been so long that I don´t remember a time in which I felt everything was right”
“ah, find it in that big brain of yours” Scire prompted
“does it really matter?”
“if it doesn´t then by trying it you won´t have gained nor lost anything, so... why not?”
“weren´t you my less wise side?” Anna chuckled a little
“I´ve always been the smarter side. Now go on, don´t go off topic. Think!”

Anna lay down, her eyelids felt heavy and she didn´t feel to be in command of her own body, her thoughts felt to be slower as waves crept from her feet to her head. She didn´t know what it was but, the waves were getting stronger as her mind was getting slower, until everything disappeared into blackness.

sigh

I totally want to disappear. What is this? is it for the very depressive music I´m listening? is it because I don´t seem to get better and instead other things keep happening? is it because everytime I hope for a change, it doesn´t happen? is it because I´m feeling like a burden? is it because I hate not being able to do things? is it because I don´t have enough faith? am I a bad person? what´s going on? when will this be over?

Double Life: Celebrations

A/N: This one´s longer than expected -to compesate the long time without it, maybe? I think that I should´ve made it in two parts... well, it´s kinda weird...


*********
“Spacing out again?” Josh asked her from behind. She couldn´t help a tiny smile.
“Not as much as you. I bet you didn´t hear the teacher´s question. The answer´s mitosis” She kept looking out the window.
“What?”
“Mr. Arlington?” the teacher prompted but quickly pointed to another student to find the answer.
“See, mr. Arlington, you should pay more attention to your classes” Nichole whispered to him.

“You should know by now that when you think I´m spacing out it is you that is spacing out” Nichole told Josh at their lunch period.
“I´m telling you, it´s like the teachers know that I´m talking to you and they decide to ask me for the one thing that I´ve missed. I don´t get why they never ask you”
“That is ´cause they know I know, plus I´d totally give them the answer”
“geez, is there anything that you´re not perfect at?” he said rolling his eyes
“Nope, I´m perfect in every sense” she decided to answer the rhetorical question. They both laughed.
“Hey,  in two weeks I´m having my birthday and mom and dad seem to be starting to forgive us since they´re making a party for us”
“That’s great” commented Nichole without really knowing what to say.
“yeah... I was wondering...” Josh trailed off  “if you´d like to go”
“Sorry. I won´t go” she said quickly
“Hey you could´ve at least pretended that you thought a little about it” he pouted.
“Hey do not get offended, in two weeks I get to spend a day with Mii, you know I don´t spend much time with her and after that it´ll be a while since I can see her again”
“I see... you can take her”
“Thank you -she smiled- but  I doubt that a little girl fits in a teenager´s party”
“Yeah...I guess. It´s ok” he sounded somewhat sad
“But I´ll send you a present” she winked “also by not going I´ll avoid getting death glares by Michelle, because I assume she´s going isn´t she?”
“I guess Aaron will invite her”
“What about me?” said Josh´s twin sitting on the empty chair between Nichole and Josh. He grabbed his twin´s apple and bit it.
“You will invite Michelle, right?” asked Josh not minding that his twin had taken his food, it seemed as if he was used to that.
“mh but I can un-invite her if it worries you” he said looking at Nichole who smirked.
“I think uninviting her should only worry you since she´ll flip if you do so” Nic said nonchalantly
“I know Josh will be taking you but you should seriously go with me instead, I´m the fun one” Aaron smiled charmingly
“Who says anyone is taking me anywhere? I go where I please and I´m not going anywhere with you” her voice was calm
“ouch” said Josh chuckling
“So, indeed, Josh is taking you” Aaron said unaffected.
“I´m not going” Nic replied and took a sip of her drink
“What? why not? don´t tell me you´re still holding a grudge against me? I apologized already and this one -he pointed at his twin- is your friend right?” he tried to coax her in to going.
“You´re not that important as to hold anything against you and yeah... he´s my friend but that doesn´t bound me to go anywhere or do anything” she said nonchalantly
“ouch, she sure is cold, Josh.”
“Later twins” Nichole said getting up and walking towards the trees close to where they were.
“Hey, wait” Aaron said raising his voice but she just waved still looking ahead.

“Let her be, she´s got things to do” Josh advised
“No, no, that girl´s going with me”
“Are you crazy?” Josh asked “what´s the sudden interest in her?”
“Does it makes you mad that I want to take her? and I´ve recently found out that she´s rejected every body that has wanted to date her”
“So?”
“So? just that she´s the only one no one can have and that sounds like challenge to me”
“What´s wrong with you, is she a game to you?”
“You seem to like her just fine so she can´t be that bad therefore it´s not just that I´m getting a date but also I´ll be the one”
“Come on, man, don´t you have enough with the other girls?”
“agh, don´t worry it´ll be good for her self-esteem as well... unless you´re going after her in which case you´re going the right path since apparently she´s never called anybody her friend and she just called you that”
“I´m not going after her, I´m just trying to keep you away from a good beating”
“Don´t worry about that, it won’t happen” and with that Aaron ran on the same direction she had taken.

He walked a little and found her sitting down, her back against a tree. She didn´t give any signs of acknowledging his presence. She had headphones on and though her eyes were opened she was really still as if she was sleeping.
“I thought I wasn´t going to find you” Aaron said sitting in front of her. She didn´t talk. “You should go to our party, I´d love you to be my date. We could go one of this days to get your dress and my tux” he smiled a charming smile. She chuckled “what´s funny?” he asked. She was starting to undermine his confidence with that lack of response and now the chuckle.
“I thought you thought I was a freak” she said and looked straight to his eyes, for a moment he felt she was looking right through him but he kept his cool
“You had hit me” he lowered his head “and managed to brake my nose” he felt a little embarrassed but he thought that with her type being a little submissive helped. She chuckled again, he took that as a good sign, since he had never seen her smile even less chuckle, and now he´d seen her do it twice.
“And I can do that again” she smirked “but seriously, what´s with you guys? you´re so insistent and stubborn, why all of the sudden you want to take me out on a date? what´s in it for you?”
“Nothing” he said too quickly. She looked into his eyes again, her gaze was almost piercing once again.
“Such a liar”
“You know you are pretty, that´s what´s in it for me, everybody likes you, it´s just that they are afraid of you and those death glares you give”
“Ah, so you´re one of those” she sounded disappointed.
“What do you mean one of those”
“Seems like rumors fly, I´m the one girl that do not date therefore you want to prove you´re the best by taking me as your date that way you´d have anyone and to be honest that´s a good plan but since there´s nothing in it for me, I´m not interested at all” she talked in that nonchalantly tone of hers and got up.
“Hey! are you going to leave me talking again?” he said walking at her pace. She said nothing. “What´s with you that leave people talking like that? that´s rude for a girl”
“Leave me alone, I could care less of what you think of me or your reputation. Life is more than parties and reputations, you know, just grow up” now, she sounded irritated.
“Nickie, wait, don´t get mad” he replied walking after her even though he knew she was being serious when she had said she could brake his nose again. She stopped when he called her that pet-name and turned around, her expression blank, she walked closer to him.
“If you ever call me Nickie again I will break your legs” she leaned forward while saying it. Aaron wondered if she could actually do it. But he lifted his arms in a surrender motion.
“Come on! what do I have to do for you to say yes?”
“Nothing, just leave me alone” She said angry while holding herself from acting like she had been taught. She knew she could easily put him to sleep but she knew that might mean to hurt him and though he was being a nuisance, he didn´t deserve that. So, she decided to run.

“Thank you for not braking Aaron´s nose again” Josh whispered to Nic in the class after lunch. She nodded. “Are you mad?” he asked hesitant.
“I am”
“I´m sorry”
“Why do you always apologize for his behaviour?” She still sounded angry. While the teacher left, the class was over, she turned to see Josh
“Because he didn´t and I know he must have bothered you but he doesn´t mean any harm”
“Right, no harm only to treat me as an object”
“I think he likes you” Josh said and she laughed humorlessly.
“I don´t”

Nichole felt that week to be the slowest one and the most annoying one, Aaron kept inviting her to his birthday party, and Josh kept apologizing. School was being hard, it was hard to be focused when she kept having nightmares of the woman that had taught her how to run fast, how to climb walls, how to tie her hair, of the woman that called her “Nickie”, she was even angrier at Aaron for calling her that thus triggering the nightmares of the woman that called her “angel” of the woman that called her “baby”. She needed her one day of happiness with Mii someone that loved her without wanting anything from her.

Friday had finally arrived, that day she didn´t even mind Aaron´s last attempts at taking her to his party, she simply pretended she didn´t listen. He seemed to be angry. “You´re good for my self-steem” she had said and he had hit his twin. She had chuckled that lunch at that. Right after the last class she hurried to her bedroom and finished packing her bag. She grabbed the two little gift bags on her bed and jumped out of her window to the forest.

At the back of a building she stared up and climbed up wishing the owner of the room wasn´t there. Luckily he wasn´t. She let the bag on the bed and jumped back smiling a bit, it was one of the few times in which she had used her skills for something good, it made her somewhat happy. When she got back in her  room she noticed she had lost the pass to go out of the school. It was so ironic that she needed a pass to go out when she practically went out of there every other night. She went through her stuff and found it in the pocket of her uniform skirt. She cursed under her breath, she could go out at any time to do bad things and for this one good thing she needed permission, she ran downstairs and to the main gates of the school, there she found the familiar car waiting, not the one that carried her at night to dark alleys but the one that once a month picked her. She got in with a smile on her face.

“Hello, miss Nichole” the gray-haired man said
“Hello, mr. Young” she greeted.
“Do you have your pass to go out?” he asked and she handed it to him so that he could give it to the man at the gates. She was happy. She knew that Camille was not going to get to the house until Saturday morning but she was happy to go there now. The night was peaceful, the anticipation of the meeting with her sister had made it peaceful, so much that she was free of the nightmares for that one night.

At six thirty she heard noises and then a knock on her door. She got up and put carefully the bandage over her hand. She opened and a little girl hugged her tight.
“Mii, what are you doing here this early?”
“She woke up around five in the morning, woke us all and insisted in being brought here right that moment” Celia answered while hugging both girls.
“Mii, you were being a bother” Nichole said smiling and lifting the girl
“I don´t care, I wanted to see you”
“But aren´t you sleepy?”
“Nope”
“ok, what do you want to do?”
“Let´s have some pancakes!” Both girls looked at Celia
“All right, all right, I´ll make you girl pancakes, if you just stop giving me those puppy eyes” she said and headed downstairs to the kitchen while the girls giggled.

They ate in the t.v room while watching cartoons, Camille leaned over Nichole´s side. An hour later she was asleep and when Nichole noticed it she shifted her little sister into a more comfortable position that ended up being a comfortable position for her as well which caused her to fall asleep too.

Around nine in the morning the sound of a truck woke Nichole up, she wasn´t surprised to see Celia sat reading a book in the seat right in front of her, that was her job, to look at all times what the girls were doing, specially what Nic was doing. She smiled to the older woman, she didn´t mind having her there, watching her every move because she knew she was one of the two person that cared for her. The woman smiled back.

“What´s going on? why are trucks coming in?” Nichole asked to Celia still with sleepy voice. It was really strange to listen to the sound of engines there since the house was surrounded by many trees, it was far from the main road.
“I have no idea, but you father called and said people were going to come and bring some stuff apparently there will be some thing in here tonight”

“What? -Nichole said getting up slowly to avoid waking up the little girl sleeping next to her- but why? today´s my time with Mii and he´s sending people here -she grunted- he´s doing it on purpose. Is he mad a me Celia? I mean what have I done now for him to hate me more as to interrupt my time with Mi?”

“Honey, I don´t think he want´s to bother you, but he´s been granting all sorts of things for this new business partner his getting, maybe this one´s for him too”

“What? I don´t buy that. This is Crystals home, he doesn´t bring strangers here”
“Well, remember that last time, the celebration of Hillary´s birthday was here and many strangers came”
“You´re right, I guess he´s getting over my mother and Hillary´s getting the house now... I wonder if it´ll be named Hillary´s home later”
“I don´t think he´ll ever get over your mom besides, this house is her dream I don´t think he´ll be naming it after Hillary now” Celia commented with confidence and Nichole sighed, caressing the head of Camille, the only good thing that had come out of Hillary was that little girl.
“So, what are your plans for today?” Celia asked smiling.
“Anything Mi wants to do is just fine by me”

A loud noise caused Camille to wake up.
“Nic, what was that?” the little girl asked
“I don´t know, father has sent people and they are noisy” Nichole explained and Camille laughed “What?”
“You were making faces” the little girl giggled
“Do I make you laugh, you mean girl?” Nichole made funny faces as she said it.
“Yes! you look ugly” the little girl giggled again
“Ah! you´ve hurt me. Now I´m leaving!” Nichole faked being hurt and got up.
“No, no, Niic don´t go!” the little girl´s voice sounded sad. Nichole lifted and hugged her
“I´m not leaving but -she niffed the little girl- we need a shower”
“Ok, let´s go.” they walked up the stairs. Celia was behind them all the time.

“What we´ll be doing today Mii?”
“Can we go to the big tree today?”
“Really? do you want to go there?”
“Yes, don´t you want to visit your mommy?”
“mh, I do. I just didn´t know you´d like that” Nic thought it was really strange how Camille seemed to like her mother when she knew Mii´s mom didn´t say anything good about it. It was, mabe, because of thier father.
“I like her flowers”
“ok, then, we´ll go to the big tree”

Twenty minutes later, Celia, Nichole and Camille were on their way towards the “big tree” which was the place where Nichole´s mother was buried. His father had gotten special permission to remove her from where she used to be. The house and the design had always been Nichole´s mom´s dreams but she never got to see them come true, however; once his father bought the property and build the house exactly as she had wanted, he moved her there and had a garden made for her, it was filled with flowers under trees and in the middle of it, there was a big tree, an Amate tree under which Nichole´s mother was buried. Karl, Nichole´s father had only gone there a few times but Nichole took every opportunity she had  to visit the place. Camille had found it by casualty and she had liked it since, when the sisters got together after the little girls discovery, Camille had insisted in going there. Nichole had tried to persuade her not to go thus explaining her what that garden was but it seemed to had have the opposite effect since the little girl thought, Nichole´s mom would feel lonely and abandon if no one visited her when they were right there in the main house. Specially after learning the house was name after Nichole´s family name.

“Hello, mrs Cristales” the little girl said sitting in front of the white tree. Nichole smiled
“I think she wouldn´t mind you calling her Miriam, right Celia?”
“Sure, Mii, you see, your names are even similar, Mii and Miriam” Camille smiled and just put the flowers on the ground next to the cross at the base of the tree.
“Camille, would you help me to pick up some flowers?” Celia said calling Mii.
“Don´t leave me alone -Nichole said taking her little sister´s hand- this is my day with you, I´ll visit mom later” Nichole smiled at Camille who looked at Celia for approval. She nodded.

Nichole let go of the girl´s little hand and climbed the tree. Celia helped Camille to climb it too. the two sister spent the rest of the morning on the tree just talking. Camille talked about her friends at school, the day in which her dad had been mad at her two other sisters -they looked weird that day, she had explained, like when you eat lots of candies- Nichole had only laughed. The little girl told her about their trip to visit their grandmother the next few weeks. She also asked for Josh.

The day passed quickly, the people bringing in things kept working until around six in the afternoon. At seven the two girls got up to Camille´s room where they had dinner and watched a movie or started to watch a movie for the sound of the music was loud.
“I want to go see the party” the little girl said
“ah, no Mii, I don´t want to see the people there”
“But I want to dance, Nic” the little girl pouted
“Well let´s dance!” the older sister turned on the stereo and started dancing

“Nic, what if they have cake?”
“What about it, Mi?” Nichole asked though she knew her little sister loved cake as much as she did but neither of them got to eat it much.
“Camille, you know you can´t have cake specially almost at your bed time” Celia warned.
“Celia, please. Call daddy I´ll tell him”
“No, girl, your mother will kill me if I let your father give you permission to eat cake”
“Celia, please, please. Just let me use your phone. Nichole wants cake too” the little girl pleaded, Nichole only smiled at the cleverness of her little sister. Celia was convinced by that, she knew Nichole didn´t get to taste cake. It was such a simple thing but after Miriam´s death the girl never got a birthday cake and they didn´t serve cake at Burgeoys, her boarding school. Celia put her cellphone over the nightstand. “I´m going to the restroom” the woman said, leaving the phone, Camille smiled and grabbed the phone. She dialed.

“Hi, daddy” the girl said and listened for a moment “Of course I´m good daddy, I´m having so much fun with Nic” another pause “ah, she´s at the bathroom, I took her phone to talk to you” one more pause “yes, daddy, I miss you too... Daddy, I want cake” the girl listened pouting a bit “aw, daddy please, there´s a party down there and they might have cake” The girl started to smile “no, daddy, I´ll let Nic go for it, yes daddy, I´ll stay here, I promise” the girl smiled at Nichole saying a silent “yes” “mh, I love you too daddy”

“Will you go, Nic?” the girl asked to her older sister
“On my way” she smiled a smile that didn´t reach her eyes.
“Are you sad, Nic?” the little girl despite her young age was aware of her older siter´s expressions.
“Yes, baby, I´m ok” she said but she was not ok. Listening to Camille´s conversation with her father made the difference between them to shine brighter. She didn´t even remember one single time where her father had talked to her the way he talked to Camille. He loved Camille as much as he disliked her, she was aware that she deserved it for having taking his wife away from him, but she hadn´t meant to do it and he knew that but he had vanished her and he kept punishing her by making her take lives, each life that she took killed a little more of her soul. Only Camille kept it alive. “Camille, she thought, I rather have his hate for you to have all his love” at that moment, Camille was hugging her.
“Stay here, I´ll get us some cake” Nichole winked at her little sister and went downstairs.