A/N: it´s been so long... I hope next part takes less time... but who knows...
looking out the window, feeling the air caressing her skin she felt light, just a bit. “Finally over” Anna thought remembering the whole night,the guests and the praises they got at the nice Christmas dinner. It had been so tiring, it was so tiring to pretend she was ok and it was so hard to try to pretend she was happy, she was sure she didn't play that part well for her mother glanced her a couple of times and then frowned a bit at her. She had excused herself as soon as it was possible. She felt that couldn't fall asleep but she didn't want to be out pretending what she wasn't feeling any more.
Looking out the window at the blue sky stained with white cotton-look-like clouds she wanted to be able to freeze time, just for a little while at least. “Why can't I just grow up wings and fly away?” she thought
“That´s just silly” Scire stated. Anna said nothing “what makes you think being a bird is so good? haven´t you heard that the more cities grow the less home for birds, the less food as well. Human beings are so careless of other species, it´s not convenient to be any other”
“Human beings are careless of their own specie as well”
“True and it´s even worst for the rest, plus would you like to be one of those caged birds your family keeps in the back?”
“Are you really me? I mean you´re so annoying and contradictory, you must be some annoying ghost that got attached to me somehow” Anna said and they both half-smiled.
It was so quiet and nice. The sky was beautiful. Among all that piece she felt a little light, just a little because for the most part she was wondering “what will bring tomorrow?” and she was uncertain of that and felt no energy of knowing or anything at all, just to watch the sky . She knew exactly how she looked there watching the sky: sad with a lost stare. “Keep it together, girl” she said but it didn't matter today, everyone had left and she was alone. She didn't want to go out today, the happiness, pretended or not, the excitement of others only made her feel even sadder if that was possible. She smiled and even laughed but those never reached her heart, it was just a reaction, what was proper to do. “Going with the flow, ha?” Scire had teased her last night and she was right. It was just that.
“I don’t want to be like this, Scire”
“No wind will come to talk you and change you”
“Once again, are you here like my very own personal tormentor? I know there´s no talking wind, that was just the fever”
The madness of Christmas was over. It was really ironic because from the eyes of an outsider it all would´ve been normal, a nice family dinner, no incidents, people smiling, making jokes, hugs around midnight, watching the fireworks and opening presents, but for Anna who could walk backstage it was all a play in which they all were mere actors, playing a part, she at least was playing the part that had been assigned to her. She was glad it was over, Christmas and the end of the year were such sad celebrations for her now, they got sadder because they had been her favorite ones.
“one day they might be your favorite ones again” Scire chimed in
“who cares? I don´t think it´ll mean anything, anyways” Anna swallowed another pill
“you should be careful with those pills” Scire adviced. Anna smiled humorlessly
“I´m not about to commit suicide if that´s what worries you. I´m sure it wouldn´t work anyways. I´d just get my stomach washed and people thinking I´m crazy”
“you are crazy”
“I´m not stupid” Anna said this time out loud
“so, suicide is out of the question?” a mocking tone came from Scire.
“it´s not that, just that … there´s no...effective way so far” Anna stared blankly out her window.
“ah, so you´re planning our suicide?”
“I don´t think it´s me that´s planning anything, the ideas come on their own”
“shouldn´t you be wanting to live?” Scire´s voice was hardly ever affected by Anna´s words
“life is overrated”
“no body wants to die, are you not afraid of death?”
“why should I be? I´m more afraid of living like this for who knows how long. Nothing makes sense and you know it perfectly well”
“then make sense of it”
“I´m too tired of trying to make sense of things, it´s so tiresome, even trying doesn´t make sense when it all ends up the same”
“have you always been this negative?
“I don´t know anymore, it´s been so long that I don´t remember a time in which I felt everything was right”
“ah, find it in that big brain of yours” Scire prompted
“does it really matter?”
“if it doesn´t then by trying it you won´t have gained nor lost anything, so... why not?”
“weren´t you my less wise side?” Anna chuckled a little
“I´ve always been the smarter side. Now go on, don´t go off topic. Think!”
Anna lay down, her eyelids felt heavy and she didn´t feel to be in command of her own body, her thoughts felt to be slower as waves crept from her feet to her head. She didn´t know what it was but, the waves were getting stronger as her mind was getting slower, until everything disappeared into blackness.
I love the part about being human is smarter than wishing to be an another species. The fact that it's so true and I never thought about it that way. Humans ruin lots of things for other species, even their own as Anna said. smh
ReplyDeleteAnna makes me think of her as a sick person. But only because she's always sleepy or fading in and out.
I adore how blunt Scire is. Had to add that. ;)