Bright Red

I am sorry.
I do want to listen to your words
not like this, though, when I´ve just realized this path.
She is yours as well
but she is all that I can´t be.
She is the floating dream in my head.
She is the one who watches the mist come and go.
She is the one who colors my thoughts in bright red.
She is the one that breaks the silence and emptiness.
She is like the dark side of the moon: unknown.
Despite the shades that we create,
we both love you, we both belong to you permanently
but we both want to be who you want us to be.

Plan and decide

I went out with an old friend today. We have spent many years being friends and as the time goes by we change and grow. Our ways have changed but, gladly, we still have things to share. I told her about my worries and she was simple and somehow emotionally unsupportive -not much like she used to be- despite that, she did said something that makes sense, to her it´s all about plan and decide. Plan and decide without taking into account anything else but me. It was very hard when she said it, somehow true though.

To me, it´s hard: I dont want to hurt the feelings of the ones involved and I dont want to let anybody down and I dont want to be ungreatful to anybody but it seems that such reasons leave me without choice and perhaps there´s a way but I just cant see it now.

While we walked through the mall -the place where we went to hang out- we entered in a couple of libraries and I was looking for "Just dont fall" by Josh Sundquist (that I´ve mentioned a lot lately but I totally admire the man) she asked me what was it about and I explained that it was about his life that was inpiring and motivational, she totally dismissed it. "Why do you need a motivational book?" she said. "Let me be, I said, maybe I need motivation to keep going" Im not mad at her or anything at all, I know that Im not the most optimistic person in this world but Im making a bit of an effort (funny fact: right when I wrote "Im making a bit of an effort" I saw fireworks -literally- someone used fireworks, just like 3 but they were nice and it made the moment so movie-like) once again, Im not mad at her, I understand that she cannot understand me now, as probably I havent been able to understand some of her feelings at times, it´s ok and I wish in a way that I could see things like she sees them in this matter.

I think you´ve taken too many responsibilities, she also said, and maybe she´s right, maybe I thought I was more capable than what I really am, maybe I had too much faith in myself or in God even and maybe now Im commiting a sin by doubting of God´s mighty will and mercy idk ... and right after the day I said I was going to try to let go of things....

And speaking of letting go of things... it seems that my parents arguments and fights (if that was a fight) keep upseting me when I thought that whatever they do with their marriage, relationship, family or whatever was not going to matter for me... I guess it´s like putting together a broken glass...it´s amazing but it´s possible to brake it into smaller pieces.... and I cant help but to think that I dont want ever to marry, it seems that as time goes by it´s just a legal contract, a part to play and it´s sad that Im already disappointed of "love till death do us part" when I havent even known the futile, juvenile, chemical, stupid, impulsive love stuff though more than known, lived I guess.... well, perhaps Im not loosing anything just being saved of the part to play.

Double life: Help-less

There was a tense atmosphere in the classroom all due to the feared Math test. Josh could see how everybody was in a different mood, some even seem to be really quiet and still as if moving would made them lose all their knowledge. He had studied but he was a bit more relaxed, for some reason he had believed Nic´s words. Every one was tense but Nic. The girl seemed to be as distracted as every other day, always looking out of the window. “Don’t you get bored?” Josh asked and expected to surprise her. “I’m not here” she said still looking out the window. There was the hint of a smile on her face. “I can see that... Are the tests hard over here?” “They´re tests, they´re supposed to be hard... no, not really. You´ll be fine” she never move her gaze from the window. A couple of girls, among them the ones who where giggling and staring at him in the library -one of them Michelle, the one that had kissed Aaron- went to his place and started a conversation, ignoring Nic on purpose. She couldn’t care less. Right before the teacher got in, she got a phone call. It was strictly forbidden to use cellphones during class. At the entrance there was a shelf designed so that everybody left their phones there, but apparently she had decided not to obey such rule. She got the call and just put the phone to her ear, never she said a single word. Her gaze seemed to hardened right after a flicker of pain passed through her big brown eyes. When the teacher got in with a stack of papers -the tests- she got to her feet to talk to him. He seemed to inquire but ended up saying “If you go, you´ll loose your grade” she sighed and said “OK, thanks” and without going back for her things she went away. She ran trying to swallow the tears of anger and frustration. She had practice with that. She ran to her room to grab her always ready bag and changed her clothes quickly then came out from the window and ran again straight through the many trees in the school campus right ahead of her building, once she jumped off the wall that separated the school grounds from the main street she had a mask of false pride and a tough attitude. There, as every time that she got those hideous phone calls, was a black car, the type that is designed to go through all types of ground but expensive enough to be used by elegant people, but for her, this was just a funeral car. The driver knew the way, that wordless man always in black suit. He handed her an envelope. He barely looked her, maybe he knew what would happen if he dared to do more since in his eyes was the look of lust. “If anyone tries to touch you and you don’t want to, just make them go” had said her father, probably the only kind words he had said in years. The driver didn’t need to talk, it was all said to her. They got to the airport. She sighed. Nic showed up to class a week later, but it´s more accurate to say that she went back to school a week later, she didn´t attend to class right when she came back. Josh kept staring out the window, in the direction of the wall he´d almost fallen from. The teacher had reprimanded him a little while ago for that same reason. He wasn’t answering his questions. But Josh was really distracted. Watching through the window he thought he had seen a shadow. His lips curved up a little into a smile. “Mr. Arlington, the teacher said, if you don’t want to be in my class you can go out!” of course that wasn’t true, you had to be there whether you liked it or not. This time Josh focused in the man talking in front but he was the first to go out as soon as the bell rang. He wandered for a while through the woods and right on the stone wall, there was Nic, her knees against her chest and her head leaned on them. “Nic! You´re back!” “Yeah” her voice was hoarse and barely audible “Are you ok? Have you gone to the infirmary?” he said getting closer “I´ll be fine” she said in that same hoarse voice “Let me see you…” he was about to lean and touch her forehead when she suddenly arose and looked him with fierce eyes “Do not touch me, ever” “I just wanted to..” “No! never, do not touch me” “But...you look really bad, just go to the infirmary” “Leave me alone” she jumped to the wall and started running over the edge of it. Josh on the ground, followed her. She was fast so he had to push himself to follow her. For moments she looked back and seemed to plead him to stop but she kept running. She was starting to get tired for her pace was slower. Right when Josh caught up to her she stopped and fall to a side. Like a leave falls from the tree, she put no resistance to it. He rushed to catch her and they fall to the ground, she on top of him. She had fainted. He got up and tried to lift her. She opened her eyes. “No, just leave me” she said weakly. “You´re sick, for God´s sake!” he tried to lift her and she couldn’t help it. She was too week. “You are burning girl! I´ll take you to the infirmary” “No, no, please, no. Just leave me, leave me” she pleaded hoarsely. He started to walk to the path that led to the infirmary. “Josh, please, no” her eyes were filled with tears and her head barely stayed still. “Why? don’t you feel bad?” “My room, my room, ta-take me there” her breathing was hard and he didn’t know if to do as she said was the best option but he decided to oblige. For the whole walk she closed her eyes and stayed quiet even when he asked her if she was ok. He was worried. Once they got closer to the entrance of the girls dorm she talked. “Put me down, please” when he saw hesitation in him she continued “I wont run away. But if you want to come in you can’t bring me in like this...” he put her down, her legs were weak and she faltered. “You can’t walk, we should go to the infirmary” “Just put you arm around my waist and help me walk. Act less worried ok?”

my own fault

This makes me very sad, or maybe the tittle of this hurts my pride, I even shiver just at the thought of it... not a big deal perhaps but there lays the main thing of it all. "It all" is that I just can´t cope with stress -oh, no big deal,  many may say, and I sort of agree, but in my case it´s become a big deal to the point that it´s taken me to the hospital and that makes me feel so...silly, fragil mostly and I dont like fragil.

I guess I don´t have much emotional intelligence and I keep wondering when did it start, I use to know what to do and writing was a great therapy *laughs* but as I grew older it seems that I knew less and less. Just dont give a s**t mom said, as if I could do that. I guess I worry too much, maybe I´m just a time bomb... who knows. I guess what´s around me affects me too much and the fact that I cant let go so easily of things make it worst.

When I was little I met this friend of my father, Juanito, this man was older than my father, he was always laughing. Only to think of it makes me remember the sound of his voice. And he had lot´s of responsibilities and was great architect and had a hectic life but no matter what kind of day or situation he was in, he was always seeing the bright side! and maybe that´s my problem, I just dont see the bright side...

So, from now on I´ll try to see the bright side and work in letting things go. I owe it to myself I guess.

wandering 13: Broken glass

Once again on the go...I´ll try to correct any mistakes and stuff, but be aware that it´s Anna so, she´s not exactly reasonable or follows a pattern, this is just like what she finds most oppressing/bad in her brain. I really felt like explaining haha. I have a song for this part that fits also for parts 11 and 12: falling inside the black by skillet
*****

The white light made her face look paler than usual. Dark eyes on a pale face, closed mouth, a stare was what Anna was seeing. The mirror was squeaky clean and she was observing her face, her pale features, her dark eyes which seemed to hold darkness, emptiness... at that thought her eyes seemed to be made of glass about to brake. She quickly moved them away, enclosed her emotions, kept the emptiness inside, turned off the lights and stared at the shades and shadows in the room.

"What are we going to do for Christmas dinner?" Anna´s mother asked her the next morning when she went in the kitchen. The older woman was on vacation, Anna was on her way to school.
"I dont know" she said, wishing that she hadn´t come in the kitchen at all
"Come on, Anna! what do you want we to cook for that night?" her mom promted her
"I dont mind, just... anything would be fine"
"What´s the matter? You used to love planning Christmas dinner!"
"yeah..." She turned around to the door "Im leaving now" no answer.

Walking out the door she could feel the emptiness she had seen the night before hitting her and throwing her down to the ground. It was so tiring to walk around with that. "I used to love it" she murmured. Her brain couldnt help but to remember all those hollidays spent with her family, she knew it was not the dinner itself nor the night even less the gifts, it was the whole process, all the little details that took them to that point: the grocery shopping, the planning what dessert was going to be served, the sample tasting at the supermarket, the small fights over the decorations, the cooking together... all those things that were so simple and unimportant but made the difference and that was gone, long gone. Anna just wished that her family didnt try to force her to pretend those things were still there, they couldnt expect her to pretend to be hapilly spending time with the family when they barely talk, when they were miles away even if they lived under the same roof. She couldnt understand why her mother wanted to force her to pretend that everything was ok.

"So, we´ll go to the grocery store tomorrow" her mother said when she came back in the afternoon
"I won´t go"
"Do you have anything else to do?" she inquired frowning
"I just dont want to go..."
"But it´s our tradition...that´s what we do" she said as if it had never been interrupted, as if it was all the same
"I dont want to participate... just please, dont make me... you know it´s not the same as before, why ..." Anna stopped herself, she knew her mother was trying, or forcing, to get some sense of normalcy back
"Anna, please, why dont you make a little effort?" the woman said with that voice that meant she disapproved her not wanting to participate in the "traditions"
"just, please, I... dont include me this time" Anna forced a smile and walked away before her mother could command her to participate...though she knew the whole thing wasnt over yet...just delayed.

"It´s amazing how good memories can turn to bad ones, right?" Scire said, a whisper
"I wish I didnt have memories..." her eyes, once again  were broken glass.

2011 Cristmas

I really wanted to make this post yesterday, since in our country the 24th is way more important than the propper Cristmas day, the whole family dinner, visiting friends and relatives, the huggings at midnight all that maybe makes it so important over here, but I guess Im still on time since it´s today the official Cristmas day.

This reminded me that my aunty made me a snoopy t-shirt. 

I wasnt sure of what I wanted to say, maybe some kind of prayer for next year, maybe wished a happy birthday to baby Jesus -though we all know this is not really the time of the year when he was born- maybe just nostalgic and melancholic stuff, not sure at all but Im sure of what I want to write now, I just saw a post of the Sundquist family letter posted on Josh Sundquist blog (he´s a motivational speaker as well as an author and a very funny youtuber) anyways, instead of asking for things they wrote what they accomplished or sort of wrote about what they accomplished, so that´s what I want to do. That´s copying!! my mind says, well yes, it´s sort of copying but good things are woth to be imitated right? plus I plan to make it on my own way -starting with the fact that they just wrote a little and I just cant do that.

2011:

I graduated from college, one of the top moments for me, I´ve been wanting that since forever, and not only I graduated but I graduated cum laude and those words will always be in my diploma. It´s an awesome feeling of fullfillnes that it gave me. I got a house too and that´s something that I´ve been wanting, my own place, it makes me feel safe, of course I have to figure out the way to pay for it but I have a job and most likely will have my other job too so it has to be ok. 

Over all, 2011 has been a year of growing, of realizing who I am and what I can do, of being aware of my strenghs and weakeness and above all of knowing that when Im not strong enough there are always friends and family to help me go through had times. Thank you God for this year, despite all those bad things that happened, seeing the bright side, I´ve been blessed in so many ways. And to make reference to all those angels, I am also grateful for and to my friends and family.

in the morning

A beautiful landscape. At first it gives me the impression that it´s the sun rising but then, maybe it´s the sun setting and there lies the beauty of this picture -in my opinion, of course- the sun might be rising or setting, depends on what you see...

I owe this beautiful picture to my friend Cecy, esta genial, C! I guess I like to collect beautiful/thought-provocking stuff and this is one of those things.

back?

I think I´ll be going back to school.
Two night in a row I´ve dreamed that Im at school, as a student, and thought in eather dream I was doing well, it´s nice to know my mind it´s set on going back there and apparently I´ll be studying something related to numbers. Dont you decide that? well yeah, but in a strange way that I cant explain, I also believe in this type of dreams that I have... they usually become true, maybe it´s like those self-fullfilled prophecies (not sure about the name atm)
I hope I have the opportunity to go back to school next year to get another degree and also to be able to go to the school I want to go to...

Double life: late dinner

I couldnt find an image of what I wanted, so I just used one of my own drawings. Not the ideal picture but this is what I was looking for or something like this...when I find if Ido, I´ll remove this drawing.

When Aaron woke it was dark outside. He learned that he had a broken nose. He was swollen and had some kind of bandage on his face. When he tried to touch himself he squinted his eyes, it hurt. “Don't touch your nose, you idiot!” said Josh. He smiled at his twin´s concern. It was not weird for Josh to be there, both of them knew they only had each other so they were always there for each other. “You look amazing!” Josh said and grinned while taking a picture of his twin. “Shut up!” Aaron said and grunted in pain. Josh fixed his brother´s pillow. The nurse came in and checked on Aaron. “You should go and eat something” she said to Josh “it´s not good to skip meals, this fellow will be ok over here for tonight” Josh smiled and nod but didn´t move. “Go, man, I´ll be fine, plus you gotta pick my stuff in the library” “Where is it?” “I dont know, just look for it” “Stupid Aaron” “you´ll be the one going after my stuff” Aaron said and stuck out his tongue. “Shut up!” Josh said and grinned, he was glad Aaron was fine, he had been worried that it took longer than usual for him to wake up after he fainted. He went out right when the nurse came in with some food tray. His stomach grumbled. “To the library and then to eat” he said and headed to the tall building ahead. Though it was in front it was not close. When he got there it was closed. The next morning they had a math quiz and he had not returned Nichole´s notebook. “Nic´s gonna kill me! how will she study without her notes?” he thought and directed towards the cafeteria. The school ground was vast. He got lost again. The map was in his backpack at the library. He wandered around trying to remember how to get there. Once he finally got the cafeteria it was closed. He checked his watch, it was nine pm already. “Perfect” he said out-loud and walked over his steps. The trail passed near the exterior wall. He saw a shadow over the wall, even though it was dark, the moon was shining bright. “Hello?” he said “who´s there?” “Are you lost again?” a female voice asked, clearly trying not to laugh. He walked towards the thick stone wall. “What are you doing here?” “Walking” she said and kept walking “by the way, dont climb. You might fall and there´s some very scary river at the other side of this wall” she finished. He was starting to wonder if he was so predictable or if she was a mind-reader “just follow the path and you´ll find the way” she said without turning to see him. He climbed the wall and walked towards her. “hey, look, about you...” “get down! -she stopped and fast walked towards him- it´s dangerous!” she seemed truly concerned. “I get lost easily but I do have balance, now listen to me, about your...” He couldn't´t finish his sentence. When he realized, he was hanging off the edge of the wall, Nic was holding his hand, stopping him from falling to the stones and the angry river. His hand was sweaty. His heart was pounding. He was very scared. “Don´t let go of my hand and try to grab the wall with your other hand OK?” Nic said, she didn´t seem to be scared at all, except for her eyes, there was this darkness in them as if she was having painful memories. He nod and reached for the edge of the wall.With his feet he pushed himself up and Nic pulled him until he was safe. They both got down. He sat on the grass still breathing hard. She was just standing next to him. “Thank you” Josh said still looking down. It was strange to her, she didn´t know what to feel, she had never dealt with a situation like that, she felt that it was white colored against all the black canvas of situations she knew how to deal with. “Now, you´ll be my slave for the whole eternity” she didn´t let her emotions show when she was so puzzled. He laughed and saw her. “come on! for the eternity? that´s too long! plus in some other cutltures it´s the one who saves the life that is responsible for whom he has saved! ha! gotcha!” “right... are you ok? are you hurt in any way?” she kneeled down and took a flashlight out of her pocket. “yeah Im fine, I just scrapped my hands but that´s it... I...” “what? I thought you said you had a good balance” “I do but I think something hit me, like a rock... but no body seems to be here but us” She furrowed her eyebrows “where did it hit you?” he looked at his shoulder. “can I see it?” “eh?” “maybe we can find out what hit you and try to figure out where it came from” he took off his sweater and unbuttoned his uniform shirt. She got closer and took a look. It was bruising there. It was obvious it had hit him hard but to hit him that hard it had to be thrown from a close distance or maybe with some kind of weapon. “I think you should go to your room” as she said that she heard his stomach grumble. Nic lifted an eyebrow. “Are you hungry?” He blushed. “By the time I got to the cafeteria it was closed” She got up to her feet. “You really need to carry that map with you. Let´s go” They walked together for a while. She led him to his building. “Go to your room. Leave your window open ok?” He was confused but she was already walking away when he managed to form a coherent sentence. He went in. He changed his clothes and observe the redish mark on his shoulder, it hurt. He saw the window and remembered what Nic had said. He opened it not sure why she asked that. After a minute or two he heard a noise and then he saw Nichole comming in from the window. His eyes were wide. “Im just taking care of the life I saved” she said with her usual nonchalantly voice. “how did you...?” “Havent you take a look out your window yet? there´s this plant...you can guess what Im trying to say right?” she took off the bag that was hanging across her shoulder. She took out a bottle of apple juice, some bread, a can of tuna, mustard and mayonnaise. “I hope you like tuna sandwiches” she said and sat on the floor. “How...?” “well, I have years living here but I was once the new student just like you and there was a kind person who gave me peanut butter sandwiches when I couldnt get on time to the cafeteria” Josh smiled and took the sandwich and pour two glasses of juice. “Thank you, Nichole” “Just Nic” she said and drank from one of the glasses she had brought along “I´ll get some food like this...just in case” he spoke his thoughts out-loud “Are you planning on missing the cafeteria hours?” she laughed “No, but just in case..... by the way, I have to tell you something...the library was close so I don't have your notebook. I´ll tell the teacher what happened, the nurse gave me a note and...” she smiled a little “Do not worry I had already studied that -he watched in disbelief- do you think I would´ve given you my notes if I hadn't studied before?” she was back to her usual tone and detached demeanor. “Your bag, along with my notes and your brother´s bag is down stairs at the lobby of the building” He was surprised. “You went back and brought my things and also Aaron´s?” “Didn’t I just said so?” He didn’t know if she was actually oblivious of her own kindness or if she didn’t want it to be overly celebrated. “What were you doing at the wall?” he suddenly asked curiously after a while of comfortable silence “Walking. I already told you” she drank her juice “I think I´ll let you study now but don’t worry too much you probably won’t get graded this time since you only have like three days in here... you shouldn’t even study for that” “Right and then the teacher will label me stupid” she smiled and shrugged. “I was wondering if you could lend me the rest of you notes?” “Sure, but you gotta finish one first” she got to her feet and collected her things to leave “I´ll leave you the food and the dishes you used, just in case” “where did you got that?” “I have my ways” she laughed “actually you can ask your family to bring it for you” “oh... wait, how´ll you leave? you aren't supposed to be here” “And you just realized that?” she said smirking while she walked towards the window “bye” and then she went out. He got up and ran to the window. He saw her, she had literally jumped and fall on her feet then ran to the woods. She had made him believe earlier that she used the plant to climb but she clearly didn’t “maybe that´s just to come up...maybe she´s into gymnastics or something”

questioning

I wonder what I expect to find?
My heart is  hopelessly waiting for something that I cant put a name to
I pause and listen and wait
Nothing happens...
and when nothing happens I go sad, as if some promise had been broken.

Why do I keep doing this?
waiting and waiting and hoping when the outcome is as clear as the summer sky
everything will be still just like it is
the time will go on and things will follow their path
Nothing happens...
and when nothing happens I feel the emptiness inside getting deeper and wider.

Bird and landscape

This a small "morro" which is the fruit of the tree with the same name, once they are ripped they become hard and then used as "huacales" containers to grab liquids. Btw, that´s my hand haha so yeah, this morro was quite small but there are some quite big as well

That´s the painting I made today, the bird is a Torogoz which is our national bird and supposedly it´s standing on a Maquilishuat branch -wich is a native tree- it has beautiful pink flowers but there are yellow as well. I really need to improve my painting skills and also find better places to take pictures since that background there is part of my desk n the mess I have there-but never mind that. Ah, btw, this painting is made on a cuchara de morro (a morro spoon) before, there were no metal spoons so they used this type of spoons, that one is a big one but there are smaller ones as well.

Noblesse piano compositions

A beautiful piano composition. There are three piano compositions that I´ve found, one for each one of three of the characters of this manga -or manwha, I hope I havent spelled it wrong- I believe it trully transmit the essense of the characters, specially M-21´s  and the part where it goes faster.


 There´s aso Frankenstain´s composition, the name gives the image of other Frankestain but this one´s wicked haha


Also there´s Rai´s composition. Rai, wow, he´s amazing -n so hot- He´s the very powerful Noblesse, he hardly ever talks and he´s a bit dummy for technology stuff but only because he´s been asleep for God knows how long. He´s also a tea lover. His composition in a way -to my opinion- doesnt match his character but on second thought it does since he´s so ancient, calm, almost shy and misterious but very powerful. I love all these piano compositions, they´re so beautiful and I love the feeling they give me.

You Inspire Me, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

You Inspire Me, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

Such a beautiful story. It gives the feeling of longing, desperation in a very silent way, if that makes sense. I could read it again and again

The feared december 7th!

I was planning on making a video for this entry ha! yeah, for some reason I´ve been doing vids about my life -boring stuff yeah- haha though I lost all of them when that virus attacked my computer but anyways I wanted to do one for this day but no, I rather write than let ppl see my face and hear my voice hahaha

ok, so, the feared december 7th: like a month ago I was in the hospital -awful- and then again like three weeks ago -awful again but less than the prior time- so, today I had to get some tests done to see what is wrong with me. The thing consisted in x-raying all my torso but for that they not only asked me to take all my clothes -I felt like dying just at that- and  then I had to swallow these things, one was like salt, it burned my throat the other was sour and again it burned my throat, I felt like puking but I had to held it in, right after that there was this pink sticky substance, it looked like peptobismol- and it tasted horrible and it was so hard to swallow and I had to swallow big gulps of it! and if I didnt then I just had to repeat the whole damn thing again!! I tried to calm down and not run away, I tried to think in the nice words my friend had told me right before going to the hospital (Thank you very much my dear friend it did help me somehow!!) by the time it was done I just wanted to run away from there and never even look back. I must say it left me feeling like crap =/

Second thing I want to talk about is a surprise I got: the friend I mentioned before called me to my house -so weird, this is like the 3rd time ever- just to ask me if I was free on monday. I was suspicious of that. Turns out that, since I went there and tutor my ex-classmates in some "hard" class they have, they want to do something nice for me. I couldnt believe it and still cant. I guess it´s just that I dont believe in the goodness of people or maybe because I just did it to help my friend and the rest of them just happened to be there too -maybe Im bad andthat´s why I dont believe in the goodness of ppl. I think it´s kinda nice since it´s a first hahaha yeah... loner me, dont have many friends to treat me to pretty much anything haha

And just on the side, tomorrow´s my work´s xmas party and -so girlish of me- I have nothing to wear! though I dont even know if I´ll b going to that... there´s tons of thing that I cant eat and well... I dont drink and that´ll b the main attraction of the evening I bet and it´s always weird  when ppl find out that I dont drink at all....

Talented

I love piano and violin music, also the sound of the chello haha well I like those types of music and I wish I could do it... gladly I can still enjoy it and admire those who can do it. While listening to Pride and Prejudice soundtracks I found this video:
Too bad she only has like three videos showing her talent but still, it´s so beautiful.

light, precise and pure

I cant believe I´ve left this just like that, abandonned... I´ve had this for quite sometime but for one reason or another I never published it. No matter what I dont think it´s fair for me or the tale to be forgotten. This part is to be read after (click there) Light, precise and pure, part I . Please, if you feel like reading this go to the first part first haha

This one comes with music! -it seemed appropriate or something like that

** II **
"HE is love. God is love" her mother used to say. "But not all the way" Ly would add on her thoughts. "He doesnt put up with this kind of love, there´s a pattern to follow, an order, no other" that had been the conclussion her mother had made of her speech. Ly´s mother a woman number one in religion, number one in being torn by those rules. They had been talking hypotetically, of course, though she knew it wouldnt have made any difference if she had just said things straight. Her parents were proud of her but that didnt mean they pay any attention to her, on the contrary, she was a stranger to them. Confused. Forbidden. Sinful. Those were the words the mother used to describe the feelings in Ly´s heart.

"My angel, will you be able to save me this time?" she thought for herself. Light. Precise. Pure. Those had been the ropes that had pulled her from death long time ago. Ly had known at that time that she loved Angie. She also had ignored the feeling, unable to name it. Now, once more she needed to be saved. This time she had to ask for it, unlike the first time.

She had never needed anybody. Not even in her worst moments she had asked anything. She was strong, she had to be or else she thought "what gain will I have if not?". Despite her pride, her angel, Angie, had given her everything she hadnt asked for, everything she needed but didnt know. She had managed to give a purpose to her life, she made her look life was worth to live.


Ly just didnt know how to ask for help or ask for something at all. How she was going to ask Angie to correspond her feelings? Would Angie still be there for her? Ly was afraid that asking for Angie´s heart would became a non-returning spot. She was afraid that everything would fall apart. Still, she was certain Angie wouldnt deny her arms for a hug. "one more lesson to learn, huh, Angie? one more..."

Angie and Ly were perfectly compatible but amazingly different. To Angie it was the easiest thing in the world to convince Ly of everything she wanted. Countless times she had convinced Ly to do as she pleased, but Ly didnt remember a single time where she had asked Angie to do something unless she was absolutely sure Angie would do it. Still Angie always managed to surprise her. Ly had often thought of her like a flower dancing with the wind.

Despite everything, her suffering was caused by that lack of certainty, by her inability to guess Angie´s response to her feelings. Maybe it was just like the other day, when she had her head on Angies chest therefore she had been unable to see Angie´s eyes and her thoughts in them. "Carpe Diem!" she thought "I have to let her go a little to be able to read in her eyes"
~~~~~~~~~~

"You´re so quiet today, Ly" said the boy that walked next to her while reaching for her hand.
"eh? where you saying something?" she moved her hand away pretending to check on her hair while combing it with her fingers.
The boy was aware of the rejection he had just recieved from her. She knew he noticed it. They kept on walking. It was almost sunset. Both of them had had a class together. Ly hadnt paid attention to the lecture. She had been thinking about Angie, about what she was going to do, about the possible answers Angie could give her after confessing.

The time whas a problem. It was going to define everything. "If this becomes a turning point and everything changes and this gets her away from me, like a feather to the wind - she thought- I want to keep her close as much as I can just like we are now... but since I know I´m way too impatient and she´s so unpredictable it is possible that I´m already wasting  precious time that she and I could have together" Time, how problematic it is. Everlasting, untamable, unstoppable.


Angie was shinning, like a vision. A delirium. The sun at her back seemed to be there for her. The sunlight made her beautiful brown eyes to look even prettier, warm; her hair, moved by the breeze, took a golden shade. They smiled. The three of them smiled, but now Ly only existed for Angie. She rushed to her. They hugged and stayed a while like that.

The boy was stunned there getting no attention from the girls that were already talking. Ly was smiling brighter than he had ever seen her. They sat and chat a little, the three of them, however every time Angie was talking, Ly seemed to hear nothing but her voice.

"...what do you think about it?" the boy asked. Ly turned to him. Her cheecks blushed a little, her eyes opened wide. She had been taken by surprise. She hadnt been paying attention to the boy´s words, at all. Angie started to laugh, she had noticed the little interest Ly had given to the boy. Ly only looked to the ground a little embarrased but she also laughed a little.

"I´m sorry. I´m sorry that I got distracted. What were you saying?" she had to put a lot of effort to focus on the guy´s words this time. She answered the best that she could but as soon as the boy left his words were lost for her.

Now Ly and Angie were alone. They had been talking now for a little while since the boy had left. Angie started to laugh, out of no where. Ly was at a lost.
"you´re so mean! you didnt listen to one word he said!" Angie laughed making Ly´s face red.
"it´s not that...it´s just that I was a little distracted" "by you", she added in her mind, "when I see you, everything else ceases to exist" She flushed by her own thoughts. Her eyes were fixed on the ground.
"and what are you thinking about, Lyyyy?" Angie said in a teasingly tone. Sometimes she could be so intuitive. "nothing" was the answer that came first to Ly´s mind, but she realized this was the perfect moment to bring out the subject that had her all distracted."what other opportunity will I have where everything comes out so naturally?" she asked herselft.

She had to interrupt Angie that was about to say something. Sometimes, like that day, she forgave Ly´s silences.
"mmmm I- I was thinking ummmm I think mmm, no, mmm I was looking at you, that´s why I wasnt mmm  that´s why I was distracted"
She didnt saw Angie´s face while talking, they were seated next to each other, their shoulders next to each other´s. She didnt turn her head to face Angie but she could feel Angie´s gaze on her face. Ly´s hand started to tremble. Angie smiled.

"who wouldnt be distracted by me?"  she said playfully "someone so pretty like me..." she said pretending to be vain, exagerating it, actually. This time, Ly turned her head to see Angie. If she didnt face her everything would be just a joke, just a game. She couldnt allow her mouth not to express the intensity of her feelings. So, she completely turned her body and saw Angie straight to the eye.
"it is true, you´re really beautiful. Much more under the sunset. I like it" she was able to said it without hesitation. She smiled. Both did it. "but mmm you´re beautiful not only with this dim light but with any light. I am completely sure that you´re beautiful in the darkest night and the brightest day too. You´re heart and soul much more"  Ly smiled again, while placing her trembling, cold hand on Angie´s knee.

"Th-thank you, I guess... that sounds weird" said Angie drawing her brows together a little, confussion staining her eyes. Ly half-smiled and took a deep breath before answering.

"yes it sounds weird....but it is true. Actually it doesnt sound weird, it is...No, not really, you know? it´s not so weird, it is pretty common" her voice was a murmur but she said the words clearly. "I like everything you are" she smiled again. Her throught was dry. She didnt know what else to say to convey all her feelings into words. There was a moment of silent in wich both girls looked to the ground.

"I-I don´t get it" at that moment Ly felt the tense atmosphere with Angie´s posture change. The sun became cold and the air heavy to breath.

"this is the first time..." Ly said speaking softly and slowly "...that in my mind I have this thoughts. I had never felt like saying anything like what I just said. I dont know how it has happened or why, but I dont think I need a reason to love you. I just feel it. I like you so much to the point that I feel like I´ve lost myself. I think about you all the time... I dream about you..." her words started to come out fast one after another "...when I see you my heart skips a beat, just now my hands are shaking and they´re cold as if they were made out of ice but my cheecks on the contrary, feel as if I was burning" she stopped and talked again after sighing "this is the first time that I do this, that I feel this"

It seemed to her that time stopped and everything but the two of them disappeared. She could almost see herself as if she were looking from above. Angie´s expression was unreadable.

Tears.

That was Angie´s response. Salty, warm, confused tears coming down her pretty eyes. "what have I done?" Ly thought when she saw her angel´s reaction. Without thinking she got closer to Angie and hugged her whispering to her ear "I´m sorry, I´m sorry, please forgive me...I- I dont want anything, you dont have to do anything, I just thought..." she stopped "I just thought that you´d like to know it" she mumbled in her thoughts "I´m sorry"

Despite that she was hugging Angie to confort her, though she didnt understand why she let her do it,  it seemed to Ly  that the one being conforted was herself. Slowly, politely and now calm, Angie moved away from the embrace. She watched Ly for a moment. She seemed worried, but Ly also knew that she was not looking like her normal self now, even more with that reddisht tone that crying leaves behind.

"you dont want anything, eh? then....?" Angie always knew how to go right through her. She always found the way to disarmed her, leave her out of balance, with no control. Ly closed her eyes. A pained expression took over her features for a second. She wanted to answer honestly. Looking to her eyes. I was only fair to do so.

"..that I dont want anything means that you dont have to force yourself to do anything, you have no responsibility towards me. It is obvious that I do want something from you but I´ll understand if it is not available for me"

"Isnt it against honor, duty and tradition, miss heir?" Angie lifted one of her eyebrows
"I dont care about that, that´s not important to me. You..." she said in a sigh, before feeling a hand leading her own to Angie´s chest. She could feel the beat of that heart that was a copy of what her own sounded like.

"what does this heart tells you?" Angie asked. Their eyes met. Ly´s showed confussion. Angie´s seemed to ask for something "what´s in you heart? will you say I´ll love you forever? will you say the same that everyone says? is that what you think you´re feeling? tell me, tell me, what´s over there? what´s here? what´s t-this...th-that?" Angie had never spoken like that, she had never seemed so desperate and tormented like when she uttered all those questions. Ly was in shock and she didnt have answers for any of Angie´s questions... Shocked...just shocked.

The sun had died beyond the trees, artificial lights were they only company. The cold night breeze seemed to make a statement when it blew against them messing Angie´s hair, which seemed to turn to life with the wind. The breeze was like a cold caress that contrasted like white and black with the warthm on Angie´s chest.

Memories.

Ly remembered.
"Light. Precise. Pure. " she finally said putting Angie´s hand on her chest, over her heart. There was a long pause, a long silence.

"Light... precice, pure?" Angie echoed smiling while the words were sinking into her soul. She was smiling brightly. Ly felt how her angel was saving her only with her smile only with her sight.

"light, precise, pure" both whispered in their thoughts while embracing each other.

wandering 12 * Falling Down

"Im the one calling you to make sure you are ok" that part of her dream or delussion, whatever it was, had lingered in Anna´s memory. I guess I was truly sick, she thought, I was trully sick since I was listening voices instead of just my thoughts.
"you are sick indeed, you are always hearing me" Scire said. It seemed like she was trying not to laugh. Anna rolled her eyes.
"sicker than usual, then?.... I never knew you could tell such tales, usually you´re just contradicting me"
"I didnt tell you any tale"
Both of them kept quiet, Anna was about to cross a street. She was quite careful when crossing streets. She was very scared of cars, her hand closed in a fist everytime, perhaps if she had someone by her side she´d take their hand...but no hand was there to hold her and reassure her. She had have an accident when little, both her mother and her. She had ended under the car with a broken leg. The pain was a reminder of it in cold days.

"Scire I dont want to eat this anymore" she murmured at luch.
"Then eat something else" Scire said matter-of-factly
"No, you dont get it. I dont want to eat. I want to leave. I feel like laying down to never get up"
"We should´ve stayed home then"
"home, right, didnt you see how parents seen to think we´re faking it. I rather be out here than over there. You should know this"
"dont take it on me" At this point Anna made an exasperated sound and said no more, pass away the cafeteria and went to the garden, right through the pine tree. There she lay, feeling really cold. The fever was comming back. She took a pill out of the blister and drank it.

A moment later she opened her eyes and saw a ceiling, she felt herself laying on a stretcher. Her eyelids felt heavy. She blinked a couple of times. She saw water on the ceiling, her head felt heavy.
"The ceiling is made of water" she thought when she saw the waves in it. "No, that´s impossible, the ceiling cant be made of water, that doesnt make any sense" Scire whispered because she, too, saw as if water was floating over them. "We must be dreaming" she said softly
"Do you see what´s on the walls?" Anna half-smiled
"what?"
"red, red spatters...they´ve been painted, they´ve been tried to cover up but you can still see the pale red there. Blood" As Anna described it, Scire saw it too.
"That´s pink, it cant be blood, why would that be there?" Their heart started to pound.
"how would I know, Scire, but you can clearly see, it´s been painted white... ah, where am I?"
"I feel tired, Anna, we are tired"
"I dont want to close my eyes"
"are you afraid of closing your eyes?" they both heard the wind asking. Not knowing why Anna nodded and closed her fist taking the rim of the cover she had. She wasnt scared of closing her eyes but she couldnt manage a coherent thought or a way to explain what she was feeling or seeing. Her thoughts were rushed to her mind, they overlapped and collapsed into one another. Memories were being re-lived by her mind and it all seem to cause her laughter but she couldnt manage a smile.
"There´s smoke" she said after a while
"where?" Scire asked
"look, on top of the wall, there´s white smoke, as if there was a cigarrette there, if you look down there, close to the pink stains there´s some more smoke, purplish and pinkish, it looks like cotton candy. It keeps comming out of the wall. Why?" she heard herself laugh.
"Try to sleep" said the wind again and she thought she saw his eyes. Light eyes, clear eyes, blue like the sky "Close your eyes, Anna" the wind prompted her.
"why do you want me to sleep so badly?" she asked and blinked forcing her eyes to stay open watching the dance of colored smoke infront of her eyes. As the time passed she felt herself on a black carpet that melted and let her fall down, down, down to a shadow. She heard voices around her, farther; she was unable to understand what they were saying. She kept falling and falling through the slimy shadow.
Her eyes, ears and thoughts were oblivious to the world now. The wind kept talking.

***
written on the go... most likely to have many mistakes ...too lazy atm to correct them

soul-less

Once again is about you.
Once again is about me.
I am not that strong.
I´m about to brake.

My heart´s heavy,
it´s gone from ice to stone
to fragil crystal.

I close my eyes but it does not go away,
it´s all the same, pain does not go away
Im about to brake into a a body without soul....

Un paréntesis inusual

****
Debo esta genial historia a mi querida amiga Cecy. Gracias C por compartirla conmigo y dejarme publicarla.

Es una historia cargada de emociones y lindas figuras que me tuvo pegada a cada letra. Tal como su autora esta salpicada de buenos sentimientos y un sentido de lo que está bien que da envidia -de la buena, claro. 

****
Caminando por los días conocemos caminos que de una u otra forma nos conducen a lo que deseamos, a esos sueños que hemos plasmado en nuestros pensamientos desde que éramos unos niños….cada etapa construye un peldaño, paginas formando los capítulos de una gran historia.

Dibujando nuestras experiencias encontramos espacios, pausas que en ocasiones se ligan a nuestros sueños…mientras que otras quedan como empezaron; como un paréntesis en medio de los días….

Con una broma, así comenzó, con juegos y sonrisas que divertían los días…nunca me percaté de su existencia física mas sí de su espíritu, el cual sin lugar a dudas admiraba, le consideraba una figura diferente, simplemente eso…ni mi mente ni mi tiempo podrían agrupar algo más…
Sin embargo parecía q poco a poco su presencia notaba la mía, y que contrario a lo que pensaba y quería, a mi espíritu eso no le era indiferente…poco a poco el verle causaba cierta alegría, cierta emoción, un poco absurda en realidad ¿Qué pasaba?, su mirada parecía que veía algún artefacto diáfano, su sonrisa natural y sus palabras cada vez aumentando a medida de alargar ciertos argumentos para conversar.

Era divertido y a la vez grato compartir un tiempo a su lado, pero mi mente le albergaba cada día un poco más, cada detalle se volvía más importante de lo que debía ser, era algo inconsciente, y no es alarde pero parecía que era mutuo...

Digno de risa quizá no lo sé pero en un momento parecía que no podía sacarlo de mi mente, mis ideas le pensaban más y más y parecía que le pasaba igual, pensando en sus palabras o en algún recuerdo dirigido a lo mismo me encontraba y llegaba un saludo de su parte, a veces con preguntas para iniciar conversación, a veces con detalles que no dejaban de llamar mi atención no solo porque eran para mí sino por…porque fuera como fuera no tenía que ser así…No debía ser una presencia más que se cruzaba en la escritura de mi libro, sin embargo parecía querer volverse un protagonista de él, cuando sabía que tenía un papel estelar en otro.
Así pasaron varios días, entre alagos y sonrisas mutuas, entre momentos compartidos, atenciones y actitudes que a ambos sorprendían, parecía que despertaba en mí algo que había muerto hace mucho, algo que pensé no volvería a conocer…una emoción nerviosa que producía alegría y deseo de conocer más.

Parecía que nuestra ésfera tenía algo, algo como un imán no sé que más parecido a ello podría ser pero queríamos estar cerca. Un abrazo, eso pediste….con un poco de temor, recuerdo, cruce mi brazo de tu cuello y el otro de tu espalda, rodeaste mi cintura con los tuyos, y no sé si era yo o eras tu pero el tiempo se detuvo, poco suele suceder eso pero en ese momento sucedió; mi mente pensaba que pasa?, porqué me abraza asi? Porqué siento algo diferente? Ni siquiera tengo un sentimiento que es esto?..... que pasa, porque no me suelta? Porque parece aferrarse de una forma como si…no esto no está bien-----sin embargo tampoco quería soltarte…vi tu rostro y percibí una mirada diferente, no era yo definitivamente estaba preparada para que mis emociones no trascendieran a un espacio donde no tenían lugar.. pero sin duda ese momento era distinto, t quedaste a mi lado por mucho tiempo, conversando y riendo de mis cosas y las tuyas rodeando mi cintura con tanta ternura y cariño, me diste un beso en mi frente, me abrazaste con tanta fuerza que no sabía si pensar que era cinismo o que tus emociones estaban confundidas; no podía pensar algo distinto y menos a mi favor, eso era imposible.

Mientras me abrazabas percibí que poco a poco te acercabas a mi rostro, no podía ser lo q pensaba…sin embargo me equivoqué porque sí intentabas besar mis labios….más se confundían mis ideas y con una sonrisa tímida vi tus ojos y te abracé, y a pesar que fuiste persistente no permití que hicieras algo de lo que después íbamos a arrepentirnos, al menos eso creí en ese momento que también tenías conciencia para arrepentirte (risas)..

Llamaste, esa noche llamaste, te escuchabas contento y me agradó escucharte.

Dijiste que mis abrazos eran únicos, que eran especiales, no dejaste de solicitarlos cada día….era una locura que me causaba gracia.

Te encontré, una semana después, estabas sólo en el mismo lugar donde me abrázate por primera vez, era inevitable no acercarme, cada día era evidente que nuestras presencias se atraían, deseaban estar cerca, hablar, escucharse, sentirse cerca y abrazarse..
Me senté a tu lado, cruzaste tu brazo hasta mi hombro y yo me apoye en el tuyo, que confortable era!...que tranquilo parecía olvidarse por un momento de todo…. Y que solo fueramos tu y yo.
Te abracé y me levante, sin embargo al hacerlo rodeé tu cuello con mi brazo y tomé tu mano con la mía, fue un gesto espontáneo, nada era parte de un plan o algo así, te solté y caminé hacia mi lugar mientras que tu te levantaste y me pediste que te abrazara una vez más……
Llegaste a mi lado, me hacías cosquillas, a veces te comportabas como un niño y era divertido ver tus locuras y ser parte de ellas, intenté devolverlas y corriste y cuando llegué a ti tomaste mis manos y te rodeaste de ellas, que lindo fue.

Mis pies parecían ya no estar sobre la tierra, pero hay que ser determinante en lo que se quiere en esta vida y no entregar los sentimientos y la emociones a la voluntad propia, sino a la que el ser supremo desea, y a pesar que todo parecía volverse una ilusión llena de detalles y algo diferente a lo que quizá estábamos acostumbrados…simplemente era un paréntesis inusual, un encuentro casual que no era voluntad de la vida ni del destino que tomara mas importancia de la que se merecía, y coloqué mis pies así como mis ideas y emociones en su lugar.

Lejanía, tu presencia la sentía y demandaba lo contrario, tus hechos delataban otra personalidad de tu parte, no la figura que de una u otra forma mi mente idealizó en un instante, como podías dirigirte a mí y tratar de acercarte más, querías escribir estrofas donde tus palabras no encajaban, -en un cuento de hadas no caben frases de terror, o en una película hecha para reír, tampoco caben imágenes para llorar- no podías escribir tu género junto al mío, no eran iguales.
Parecía que te inquietaba mi ausencia, hasta parecía desesperarte, -quizá eso me divertía- cada vez escribías textos adjudicándome más calificativos de lo normal, más interés que el usual; la frecuencia aumentaba cada día.

Juntos una tarde, te sentaste a mi lado, me abrazaste, y recuerdo haber pensado que podía ser la última vez que lo hiciera así, te abracé y me aferré a ti como nunca, pensé en que ese momento era mío y que iba a apreciarlo porque éramos los dos nada más y tendría que ser definitivamente la última vez..
Tierno, cariñoso, especial, expresivo, persistente, divertido, interesante, inteligente, creativo, detallista, y diferente…… uh! Apariencia o verdad, falsedad o realidad, quién sabe, en una situación distinta a lo mejor nunca hubieras notado mi presencia, nunca confié en las personas, todas traicionan cuando les conviene, agradeciste por esa tarde y desde ese día no contesté más a tus mensajes –creo que solo un domingo pero nada que no debía-.

Dos días antes de terminar un capítulo de tus escritos aun seguías escribiéndome cosas que no consideraba apropiadas…eso me hacía ver quien eras y desconfiar más de todas las personas, sabía que cuando regresaras de tu gira para empezar tu nuevo capítulo serías distinto, pero vaya sorpresa…. Parecía que no.

El alboroto de tus palabras guardaba la vulnerabilidad de tus emociones, la inmadurez de tus pensamientos, los comentarios que rodaban eran de tu inseguridad e indecisión, fuera como fuera éste espacio se convirtió en una enseñanza para mí, y a pesar de todo no fuiste un personaje principal en mi obra!, tienes un personaje secundario o terciario o quizá de esos dónde sólo es la multitud que ocupa un espacio para que las situaciones no se tornen vacías en medio de los fragmentos, sin duda un paréntesis que se cerró y que antecede a una larga y bella historia real!.

Double life: Self study

Nic didnt appear for the first period class. Josh was already planning in going to the infirmary to see if she was there due to the jump from the second floor that she had taken. He was getting up, already with the excuse in mind to tell the next teacher -since he was taking his time to get to the classroom- so that he could go to the infirmary. The door opened and there was Nic, her eyes glued to a book, he thought that she was definitely going to fall since she wasn't looking where she was walking but skilfully she walked between the desk rows without taking her eyes off of the book. She sat and kept reading.

“hey you!” Josh said.
“hello” she said still not lifting her eyes from the book.
Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me, he thought, yet he still talked to her once more.
“I was worried that you´d gotten hurt after jumping like that... I know now that the rules forbid girls in the boy´s rooms but, come on! you didn't have to jump off like that, you could have hurt yourself” She didn't answer to that, he got a little annoyed and said “is that why you have that bandage? are you always jumping off of windows?” She turned around to see him right to the eye. It was a very intense look that she had, it was almost as if she could drill a hole in his head. Josh blinked and fought the urge to lower his gaze.
“Give me my Math notebook, please”
“hey, don't get mad, I didn't mean to...”
“mh, just give me my notebook” she interrupted him. He handed her the notebook.
“can I have it again today? you seem quite distracted but your notes are very detailed I don't think I´d find anyone with such notes”
“is that how you ask for favors?” she said in her monotone voice while lifting one of her eyebrows
“I...”

The door opened while he was going to answer “saved by the door” he thought. It was the principal announcing the teacher was not coming and since they had the next two periods with him and they were before brake they had to go to the library to a self-study period. Everybody started to gather their things.

“ppffffttt are you kidding me? -Josh said- self study? who´d do that?” The principal was long gone when he spoke. He realized when he got to the library of the school that everybody was there and they were at least pretending to study. Nic was walking towards one of the stands. He went there.

“so will you, please, lend me your notes again?” She handed him her notebook. This means she´s not mad at me, Josh thought “how come everybody is here, it´s not like the principal will know they didn't come, there´s not even a teacher here to watch them”
“didn't you said that this was a strict school? if you know it, they must know it too, don't you think?” Nic said while looking at a book back-cover
“well, yeah... but no one´s here to watch if they study or not... or if they´re here”
“in the entrance there is this thing similar to those things that they use to pay with credit cards... you have to pass your school ID there since we´re all signed for self-study today and in your way out you´ll have to do it again. If you don't check in...they´ll know you didn't come”
“what?” his eyes were wide
“you´d better do it now, before you get written down for coming late” Josh ran to the library entrance. Nic went to the farthest part of the library, the third floor, hardly anyone went to that floor mainly because it only had individual tables and you couldn't talk there as in the floors below that had group tables.

When he came back to the place they had talked and he didn't find her there he decided to look for a place where he could copy her notes and actually understand them, after all it was math and he wasn't a genius, more like average. Math is hard for almost everybody. He took a chair in one of the long tables filled with students, they were quite behaved for what he had seen but even so they were quite loud, he could barely concentrate. He had enough when he realized the girls in front of him were staring at him, and then giggling. He smiled at first, they were good looking, he thought for himself but this was not time to be checking out girls, he had to study for that test and maybe for Aaron´s sake too, who knows if I had to explain this to him later, he thought . Aaron was very capable for math much more than Josh but he liked to procrastinate and his talent never got the chance to be nurture because of his lazy owner...in the end Josh had to explain it all to Aaron. It´s so unfair that you don't have to make any effort to understand this stuff and yet you do nothing, Josh used to complain when Aaron got better grades than him. “I'm sorry that you are a dummy” his twin said and playfully punched his arm.
It was too much distraction. He took his things and went to explore looking for a place with some peace. He got to the third floor and sat on one of the tables. At the end f the alley formed by two long cabinets full of books he saw a couple kissing. Seems like no one bothers you over here, he thought and started to write Nic´s notes on his own notebook. Her notes were neat, clean even though her hand writing wasn't so perfect, it seemed to curl in every possible curve, it was small but still easy to read. In some pages there were some drawings: moons, stars and some flowers as well, other than that it was a clean notebook. After a while he heard voices speaking loudlier than usual, he payed attention to them.
“you made me fall purposely!” Josh heard a familiar voice.
“it was an accident, however; I apologize...” another familiar voice said. He went to see. The voices came from two bookcases away. As he suspected, it was Aaron, his twin, and Nic. Aaron nose was bleeding. He was mad. She was seated on the floor. Rushing to them he talked to his twin.
“Aaron, what happened?”
“this stupid girl made me fall” he said motioning to Nichole.
“I didn't made you, you did that on your own” Nic said while she took her book again “you should go to the infirmary... you´re staining your uniform”
“Shut up, you little...”
“Aaron!” Josh stopped him “I´ll take you to the infirmary... “ they started to walk away.
“Do you know where is it?” Nic half smiled at the resemblance of the boys and the contrast in their characters. She got to her feet and walked pass them “follow me”

She was walking ahead of them by some steps, she walked fast and gracefully. “Stop staring at me” she said. Both boys startled since she had not even turned. They looked at each other. “Plus -she said nonchalantly- you should lift up your head to help stop the bleeding, else you might faint”. He did faint, gladly they were already at the infirmary. He had a broken nose.

“You broke my brother´s nose” Josh accused her after the school´s doctor gave the diagnosis.
“Seems like the accusatory tone comes in the family...”
“Well, you should apologize” Josh said a bit more calmed.
“I did, even though it wasn't my fault... you shouldn't run in the library...specially after girls”
“Was he chasing you?” Josh asked with his eyes wider. She laughed.
“No, he was after Michelle, I guess she had come after him but as she looked for him she saw me ...she lead him there though I think her intentions were not to brake his nose and lets hope she didn't mean for me to step on me <>” She rolled her eyes and turned to leave.
“Wait... I didnt know...”
“mh, exactly” she turned again and walked away, he ran after her.
“wait” she stopped and faced him “why are you always leaving like that?” she didnt say a thing for a moment.
“You should stay with your brother” she said after and kept walking.
“But my stuff and your notes are on the library and apparently Aaron´s too” She just slightly turned and lifted an eyebrow then left.
Josh watched her leave. “what a strange girl, he thought, but she´s right, I should stay with Aaron,after all I don't think they´ll throw away our stuff.... I´ll ask some note from the nurse...”

prove them wrong

He is just amazing!

Today, the principal of the school tell a student to forget of his dream of being a professional skater,she said not to lie to himself, she said not to think he´ll ever make any good of that. She said forget it because it is pretty much impossible. I felt bad. I didnt like her telling him that. It´s very unlikely to become professional in those sports but Idont think the way she said it was the best. I wish for him to actually become a professional in that. I know college and studies and a "serious" carreer is safer and somehow easier and more acceptable but still, why to shatter his dreams like that? she should´ve told him to try both things just in case.... the weirdest part is that while I was helping this other kid, in the afternoon, he said he wants to be a musician. I think he´s quite talented for that. What else do you want to be, I said, he had this homework where he had to compare his future profession to the most popular carreers in the job market... he wants to be a musician... I didnt wanted to tell him that´s impossible, maybe he can be the next great musician though I did told him that he needs to have a back-up, something to do in case he cant be a musician... you never know, as grandpa says you gotta learn as much a you can, it doesnt mean that´s what you are going to do for a living but it might help you to get where you want to get.... Anyway, I hope those two kids can prove the whole society wrong, I hope they prove they can... and probably this affected me more because I heard once those words comming from my own father´s mouth and I proved him wrong and that´s what I want for them... to prove others and themselve that they can do it if they set their minds on it.

Double Life: Breaking In

It was lunch time. The cafeteria was full. Aaron was in one of the tables with his new friends. He was even friendlier than Josh. He decided to go and eat somewhere else. He was still mad at Aaron for leaving him behind though there were no consequences.

The afternoon was free for him, so he decided to walk a bit to know the school and stop getting lost. There was a building different than the rest. There were murals, paintings and some things that seemed to be sculptures. He went in, there was the sound of music coming from the top floor. On the second floor he saw a shadow, he stopped to see, there was Nichole trying to lift a window pane.

When he got closer she was half-way in already.
“Are you fond of breaking the rules?” the girl didn’t say a thing only went in as if she hadn’t heard a thing. For some reason Josh went inside too, he closed the window after him. “So, why are you breaking in a classroom?” he asked.
“why are you breaking in a classroom?” she echoed him while taking some paint brushes from a tall wooden cabinet.
“I got lost” he said and smirked
“right, right, that´s getting old”
“does it hurt?” he asked looking at the bandages on her right hand. The corner of her mouth moved up a little, maybe it was a smile “right, that´s silly”
“There are some guitars in the cabinet” She took some paint with the tip of one of the brushes.
“I ...is it OK to take them? shouldn't we ask a teacher for it?”
“why are you so worried about that?” she said nonchalantly
“don't want to get kicked out of here too” he said taking out an acoustic guitar
“oh, so no one else wants you?... I think it´s cool that you are trying to change...”
“yeah...well... no one else wants Aaron Arlington to be precise and...I feel I should support my brother...”
“even if it means to be exiled from your family?” Josh wondered why her voice was so lacking of emotion while her eyes, though fixed on the paint she was painting, were so filled with it.
“not that I have one, you know... Aaron is my family, being exiled of my family would mean to be apart from him”
“wow” she said “I like that song” she added. Josh had started to play the guitar a while ago.
“so, we wont get into trouble right?” he said after a while. For some reason it felt good to be there with her in that empty room
“as long as they don´t find out you were here it´ll be fine” she said teasingly
“they´ll find out, don't you think they wont see that you have painted something?”
“yeah but they wont notice you playing the guitar unless you brake it” her monotone voice came back.
“you don't mind getting into trouble?”
“not really -she laughed when she saw his face- stop freaking out it´s not like they´d kick me out of here”
“but I have heard this is a very strict place, one thing and you´re out, isn´t that right?” She laughed
“you´re funny”
“is that funny? aren't you jut too carefree?” he was really concern. She laughed again
“come here, take a look at this” she said motioning for him to see the painting she was doing
“wow” he didn't know what else to say, it was a good painting but the theme wasn't what he had expected. She had painted a face, a head and from it a plant came out. It was scary. “what does it mean?”
“Ideas. Now if you really don't want anybody to see you here you should put that in it´s place -she pointed the guitar in his hand- and get out” he hurried to put the instrument away while she put the brushes in their place.

Josh and Nic left the building while he asked questions about the school.
“ah, by the way where´s this address?” Josh handed her a piece of paper.

They walked for a bit and then they finally got to the boy´s dorm, it was a big building with a fancy lobby and no one in the stand. Josh´s room was on the second floor at the end of the hall. They walked into the room, it had two beds at the end, a big window and two desks.
“this is nice” he said
“it is”
“Do you think I have a nice room-mate?”
“it seems you don't have one, this place seems too empty for someone else to live here”

Her phone rang, she answered it but didn't say a thing, just listened, her eyes made it seem like it was bad news she was getting since they became like ice. She hanged up at the same time they heard a man knocking on the door announcing he was the dorm´s leader.

“Gotta go” she said and walked the opposite direction of the door towards the window and very fluidly she jumped out of it. Josh ran towards the window but she was nowhere to be seen.

“enjoying the view?” the man asked. He seemed to be the kind of man that can be nice when you obey but can be very bad when you disobey.

“ah, yeah” Josh said still with wide eyes.

The man gave him a map of the school and other instructions. He also told him the rules of the place. No girls in the rooms was one of them.

double life: first day of school

It was a clear, sunny day. The sky was blue and the leaves of the trees where greener than any other time. If you looked carefully you could see in the distance the foggy mountains in the country side, maybe it wasn’t so sunny there. The trees closer to the window were home for many animals, in the closest branch there was a squirrel munching an almond or some other kind of nut, it had a red-like fur, close to the squirrel there was the sound of a woodpecker banging it beak against some tree. They were oblivious to the thousand children in the near buildings and the children were oblivious to what they were doing too, but for one girl.

“Nichole Cristales! You should show the proper conduct at school, respect your peers by paying attention to what they are saying” a man said, the principal of the school. He didn’t know Nichole and that´s why he even bothered to talk to her, if it was the other teacher he would´ve let her alone but he hardly ever appeared therefore he didn’t really know her except for her name and her number in the school student´s code system: 288.

--“I know what he said” the girl said not stopping to look out of the window –“Joshua Arlington, twin brother of Aaron Arlington, just turned 16, he likes arts, especially music, he can´t swim, he hopes to get along with all of us, ah! We should call him Josh” from the corner of her eye she saw how the principal, Mr.Bennett, got red, he was angry that she had said word by word everything that Josh had said. The boy just furrowed his eyebrows, probably, making the same conclusion as everybody else: she was weird.

--“go take the empty seat behind Nic” the homeroom teacher said, he was there for the first class. The boy did as the teacher said, he slowed his pace a little when he passed next to Nichole to acknowledge her presence perhaps but she didn’t turn around. The principal left, he said something but Nichole decided it was not important to listen to that.

The school was a boarding school on top of a hill surrounded by forests, a river and tall stone wall but the one of the main entrance, the campus was big and nice, several buildings were the classrooms buildings, auditorium, library and other places usually found in schools, the dorm buildings were at either side of the campus, opposite and far from each other, one for the boys and another for the girls. The class groups, however, were co-ed and the groups stayed together for every class except for some elective subjects in the afternoon, the teachers were the ones who came in and out for every class, therefore, everybody knew each other for quite a long time.

“None of that will be a problem for me” the boy behind Nic was telling to himself, despite that he was quite friendly and sort of a people´s person he was feeling a little intimidated for being the new guy when everybody had been there probably since …years “it´ll be OK, I´ll be fine…maybe it would have been better to be together with Aaron…” suddenly he was interrupted by the teacher. “I’m sorry?” Josh said, he hadn’t paid attention, this 3rd period seemed to be quite boring, it was math after all, math…he was no good for math.

“What is the answer? Weren’t you paying attention on your first day?” he had heard some kids saying that the math teacher was really strict… “Math, why is it so hard, he thought” he opened his mouth to apologize when he listened a whisper.

“X equal 8”

“X equal 8?” Josh finally answered. The teacher gave him a look that said “you better pay attention…” and wrote the answer.

“Very well, Nic, seems like you have just volunteered yourself to help Josh in math, right? –he said without turning from the board- first of all I think you could start by lending him your notes –this time he did turn to look at both of them- OK?” The girl turned to face him and nodded.

When the bell rang announcing the 3rd period, Math, had ended Nichole got to her feet, turned around and gave Josh her notebook. “Be sure to bring it tomorrow, please” she said in a monotone voice. When Josh grabbed the notebook he noticed she had a bandage over her right hand.

“Thanks” she nodded and went away, her pace fast but graceful, it was like seeing a cat walk. He ran after her, he wasn’t done talking to her. By the time he got to the end of the hall she was nowhere to be seen… “Later, I guess” he muttered to himself and walked over his footsteps to go find Aaron.

Josh went out of the building looking for the fountain, Aaron and him had agreed to meet at the fountain where they entered the building. He got out of the building to a field with green grass and many benches with students on them. There was no fountain, he went back, there was another exit at the side of the building, another garden, it seemed similar to the first one, no fountain, finally, he found the fountain but Aaron never appeared. “Aaron! What´s wrong with you?!” he scolded Aaron in his thoughts while looking to his cell phone and the dead battery in it.

The bell rang announcing everybody should come inside. Josh got up and started to walk back to his classroom.

“ah! Man! I have been looking for you all over this stupid place! Why is it so frigging huge in here?!” Aaron complained out loud. The group of boys that were with him laughed.

“Aaron! Where the heck have you been?!” Josh said madly

“come on! There are many fountains in this school guys and as you must have already noticed it all looks the same at the beginning” one of the boys said and laughed. “Now, let´s hurry, I don’t want to spend more time in detention”

They all started to walk back except Aaron. “I´ll show you where I was. Didn’t you remember where we entered, Josh? You just had to walk over our footsteps” it was hard for Aaron to let go of things. The rest of the boys went away while Aaron started to run to the other side of the building. Josh behind him. Even though his better judgment was telling him not to, he couldn’t help but to follow his twin.

Once they got there, to the other fountain, Aaron didn’t stop, “you see, there it is!... now I´ll be going this way, hurry ´cause your way back is way longer!” Aaron said without stopping and went away down the hall. “I´ll really be in trouble…but maybe they´ll spare me if I say I got lost.

When Josh got to the other fountain he realized it was not the other fountain, it was a third fountain. “For God´s sake, I´m lost again! Stupid Aaron! Why did I follow you?”

He turned around when suddenly he saw a shadow and thought that maybe it was a janitor or some teacher…now his excuse was true, he was lost indeed. The shadow got lost, he turned left, right but he didn’t see a thing. He sighed and looked up and then down and there he saw a girl sat in the grass, her head resting against her knees.

“Nichole! Shouldn’t you be in class?” he said “why am I saying that?!” he thought. A hint of a smile showed on her face.

“Shouldn’t you be there too?” she said just to let him listen how that question sounded: like a teacher or a mother.

“I´m lost” he said honestly.

“Ah” there was silence.

“Won´t you help me go back, shouldn’t we go back?”

“Being late is bad in here…”

“So we shouldn’t appear at all?”

“Seems like you are the responsible type ha?” she got to her feet and started to walk. Josh followed her. He couldn’t help but notice how graceful was her walk. “Stop looking at me” she said. Her words startled him since she hadn’t even turned to see him. “There –she pointed to the left hall- the third room on the left side” he looked down the hall and counted the doors then he turned to ask Nichole if she wasn’t coming. She wasn’t there anymore.

Angels Can Fly

I really like this song. This kid is really talented. I´ve heard the song over and over <3

say no to me

   Please,
Say no to me.
Give me a no for an answer.
Say no to me and save us both.
those two letters will save you.
those two letters will crush me.
Please,
say no to me.
Im no good. Say no to me.

cold and rainy

Im back home. It keeps raining. My country is still in national emergency due to the rains; after all eight days of non-stoppable rain leaves lots of damages. The streets were no longer streets but rivers some of them still are like that and people is in need. I just hope that the hill where my house is dont fall down on us.

estas ausente

Esta noche pienso en ti.
Estas ausente pero estas como presente.
Hoja al viento. Hija de la fresca lluvia.

Tonight Im thinking about you.

You´re not here yet you are with me.

A leaf lead by the wind. The daughter of the chilling rain.

En la oscuridad eres fantasia.
Tu dolor es mio y con el mio me engullen.
Blanca serenidad. Fría compañía.

In the darkness you are magic.

Your pain is mine and along with my own, it engulfes me

White serenity. Cold company.

Te has ido de mi. Te quedaste clavada en mi recuerdo.
El aire tiene tu color. La lluvia me susurra tus palabras.
La sabiduria de tus manos se ha ido. Mi piel las espera.

You´re away from me. You´re stuck in my memory.

The air is colored by you. The rain whispers with your voice.

The wisdom of your hands is gone. My skin is missing them.

Pienso en ti como muchas otras noches.
Eres grande, eres pequeña. Eres tibia, eres hielo, eres fuego.
Naturaleza eres, no existes.
Eres como la lluvia. Eres vida y eres muerte.

Im thinking on your like many other nighs.

You´re huge, you´re small. You´re warm,you´re ice, you´re fire.

You are nature, you dont exist.

you´re like rain. You give life, you take it away.

Te has ido.Te he desterrado. Grito tu nombre.
Todo ha sido dicho. Lo hemos escondido todo.
Esta noche pienso en ti. Estoy ausente.

You are gone. I´ve thrown you away. Im screaming your name.

Everything´s been said. We´ve hide all of our secrets.

Tonight Im thinking on you. Im gone.

Pride and Prejudice

ah! This one is one of my favorite books and Jane Austen is definetely my favorite author -with Anne Rice- though my favorite book was not written by Anne Rice or Jane Austen I still consider them both to be my two top favorite authors. Anne Rice for the darkness, seductive, dangerous scenery and characters and Jane Austen for the pure, decent, day-dream-like romance of young girls and loving gentlemen. I think both of them, Rice and Austen, write fantasy, Rice because such creatures as vampires who are beautiful and powerful beyond what´s natural dont exist and Austen because such romance and tender, sweet innocent love doesnt exist like that.

This time I want to talk particularly of Pride and Prejudice. I love it and that says it all. Even though it is a very romantic type of story I like it because the main female character is not the submissive kind at all. She rejects the guy because it goes against her principles to be with a man only for security and a good life -which at that time if you were a woman you could only get by marrying- in spite of that she said no to him because she thought he was too proud.
A love story... he loves her and.... I wont tell the whole story but it´s an amazing love story where they hate eachother at the beginning but mr. Darcy  is actually falling for Elizabeth who in the end gets to know mr. Darcy and falls for him as well but thinks he doesnt have feelings for her after she rejected him.
I love both the book and the movie, in that order, and in the movie I love two scenes, one, when he helps her to get to the carriage and two where he confesses his love for the second time and he´s stuttering "..and I love, I love, I love you..." he says and with such eyes that you just melt -laughs- Im not usually like this but ... I guess I, in a way, want the fairy tale too but Im rational enough to know that such things are not for real and when it feels like that is only because your brain is flooded with some chemicals... but anyways the book and movie are amazing and in the movie the soundtracks are awesome:

Rain

Six days of rain. I love rain and cloudy weather but not when it means death and sadness. I wish there is no more rain like this. I hope it´ll calm down. Im worried and I think it´s made me get stressed. My head and stomach hurts a lot...
My brother is away and though I know he´s fine I dont like it. My dogs are also far and alone, my poor pets havent eat for today... my auntie didnt want to go there to feed the dogs...
I started this blog about an hour ago. I just had dinner. Im feeling better now I just heard from bro. He´s ok and he went to check up on the dogs and puppies.They´re fine too. He´s back at his gf´s though and that´s ok. The rain is still falling... it rains and rains and then stops for like and hour or two to them rain harder...
We heard in the evening news that there was a rainbow in the city. Mom was happy about that because she said that it means the rain will be over soon. I hope so. We need more rainbows...

Ppl here keeps dying the the rivers keep leaving ppl homeless. Two bridges that comunicate my country n other have fallen due to the rivers... even if the rain ends..hard times will come. Yesterday there was a report that another rain is comming next week I hope that´s not true...

I hope God listens to my country prayers... I hope the rain stops soon. I hope there is another rainbow carrying the promise of not destroying us with water anymore