Plan and decide

I went out with an old friend today. We have spent many years being friends and as the time goes by we change and grow. Our ways have changed but, gladly, we still have things to share. I told her about my worries and she was simple and somehow emotionally unsupportive -not much like she used to be- despite that, she did said something that makes sense, to her it´s all about plan and decide. Plan and decide without taking into account anything else but me. It was very hard when she said it, somehow true though.

To me, it´s hard: I dont want to hurt the feelings of the ones involved and I dont want to let anybody down and I dont want to be ungreatful to anybody but it seems that such reasons leave me without choice and perhaps there´s a way but I just cant see it now.

While we walked through the mall -the place where we went to hang out- we entered in a couple of libraries and I was looking for "Just dont fall" by Josh Sundquist (that I´ve mentioned a lot lately but I totally admire the man) she asked me what was it about and I explained that it was about his life that was inpiring and motivational, she totally dismissed it. "Why do you need a motivational book?" she said. "Let me be, I said, maybe I need motivation to keep going" Im not mad at her or anything at all, I know that Im not the most optimistic person in this world but Im making a bit of an effort (funny fact: right when I wrote "Im making a bit of an effort" I saw fireworks -literally- someone used fireworks, just like 3 but they were nice and it made the moment so movie-like) once again, Im not mad at her, I understand that she cannot understand me now, as probably I havent been able to understand some of her feelings at times, it´s ok and I wish in a way that I could see things like she sees them in this matter.

I think you´ve taken too many responsibilities, she also said, and maybe she´s right, maybe I thought I was more capable than what I really am, maybe I had too much faith in myself or in God even and maybe now Im commiting a sin by doubting of God´s mighty will and mercy idk ... and right after the day I said I was going to try to let go of things....

And speaking of letting go of things... it seems that my parents arguments and fights (if that was a fight) keep upseting me when I thought that whatever they do with their marriage, relationship, family or whatever was not going to matter for me... I guess it´s like putting together a broken glass...it´s amazing but it´s possible to brake it into smaller pieces.... and I cant help but to think that I dont want ever to marry, it seems that as time goes by it´s just a legal contract, a part to play and it´s sad that Im already disappointed of "love till death do us part" when I havent even known the futile, juvenile, chemical, stupid, impulsive love stuff though more than known, lived I guess.... well, perhaps Im not loosing anything just being saved of the part to play.