sleep

she`s keeping her eyes open,
she`s keeping her mind bussy,
she doesnt want to sleep and get lost in her thoughts
she wants to be tired, she wants to be numb to life
she wants to fall down and not feel a thing, never wake up.

One way or another she knows she`ll fall asleep,
the days and nights will pass and no matter what she does,
she`ll fall asleep and she will dream of the pain and despair that haunts in daylight
she wont want to wake up, there in the dream, in the nightmare, she`ll run eternally
but she wont want to wake up to the nightmare that being awake is.

The prayers that come out her lips have knitted an endless rosary
and as the beads in it, they`re made to stay in hands of a sinner
worned out, said over and over again,
known by heart, waited for a long time..
at the end the cross, a pendant, the pain
the only one that never ends.

A master piece of art...rotten inside.
She wont want to wake up.
She doesnt want to fall asleep.

***
btw, Saku, thx for the comment on the new part of  "Wandering"  it`s always nice to know what u think about the posts ^^

wandering **3. Midnight talk

Ana was about to get to her home. She got off the bus but she had to walk a few blocks. It was getting dark and the street was empty which was strange because usually by that time of the day lots of people were walking by, comming from their work places, but not today. She could barely see some shadows ahead and behind her, the mist made them a blur in the distance. It`s so strange that the street is so empty at this time of the day, she thought and her innervoice answered "so what? do you know any of those people or something?" she smiled bitterly and looked up to the sky, despite the fog, the pale moon was visible, beautiful and right above her.

When she got to her house, she took out her keys and opened the door, her parents were there already, her mom lying down on the couch and her dad right in front of the T.V. Neither of them turned to see her when she came in.
"I`m home" she said quietly, and she only said it because her mother hated it when she didnt but the truth was that it was her father`s rule, her mother didnt care if she said it or not, it was silly "to say I`m home should be because you are happy to be back" she thought.
Both her parents answered with a murmur, without looking at her, her mother told her that her dinner was in the fridge. Ana went straight to the kitchen, took the plate, reheated its contents and went to her bedroom. She hated it, she hated that routine, getting home and eating alone in her bedroom, she could remember that just a few month ago it was all different but she could do nothing. "Just look at the bright side of it, Ana" her inner voice said.
***

She woke up in the middle of the night without a reason, she got mad at herself since she knew she was not going to be able to fall asleep again "go back to sleep" she commanded herself... she was there staring at the ceiling, listening to the crickets trying to fall asleep, instead of that, her inner voice woke up, this night it was a bit nostalgic.
"do you remember that wall you used to climb?" the inner voice said
"of course I remember. Why does it matter?" Anna said, annoyed.
"it was a very thick and strange wall, dont you think, that house was really old, right?"
"mh.."
"do you remember the first time you climbed it? the inner voice asked
"what does it matter! go back to sleep!" she said "Oh my god! I must be going crazy" her inner voice didnt listen to what Anna commanded and kept on talking
"You were sad, I dont remember why, but I felt like dying"
"what? you dont remember??!!" Anna interrupted her inner voice "how can you say that when it was you the one in control of me?"
"oh, come on! you know you love me! -most of the times-" her inner voice answered and laughed "and you always back me up, dont you?"
"stupid voice! we`re the same person!"
"I know that however, I also know that you do nothing to shut me down...there must be a reason, right?" Anna rolled her eyes "anyways, where was I?...ah, yeah... the first time you climbed that wall..."
"that you climbed??" Anna said
"ok, ok that we climbed it, happy?, you were so sad, we were so little, I dont think we are crazy, I just think we are different, we share a wish that no one else wishes... back then, we lifted our hands to heaven, remember?"
"yes... I was looking up to heaven, it was weird, we felt like a little bird in a cage, and that place did look like a cage right?" her inner voice chuckled "we closed our eyes but we could still see the sky, right?"
"yes, it was so conforting!" the inner voice said
"I dont think so" Anna disagreed
"well, but at least we were able to cry in that peaceful place and to say our pray"
"I know... we thought God would listen to us..." Anna sighed
"he listens to us... he just doesnt want to..."
"yeah..."
without noticing Anna`s body relaxed and the sounds became silent...she was finally falling asleep.

***
mmm Anna is so strange right? lol

time

The voices come and tell me that I`m bugging them...
I`m bugging them! me, of all people...
me... when I barely have a voice, when I barely show myself...
perhaps it`s my precense or the sound of my life...
maybe the sight in my eyes or the broken smile in my mouth...

Locks will be unlocked in time,
and I will go away,
and I will find a way
before my heart become small
I`ll make the voices to keep quiet,
I`ll show the light they`ve failed to see..

wandering 2: Pine tree

Ana was shy and lonely. She often considered her shyness to be a big deffect sometimes, she liked it though, because it was good to have time for herself without the influence of others but in her alone time, there were times that she felt like falling off a cliff "there´s always a need of another sould to keep us company" she thought at those moments... "nothing I can do about it" she told her other half while trying to shake off the feeling of emptyness.

She spend pretty much all her time at school. It was so tiresome. One of many times while she was in the line to buy her lunch she heard a voice calling her name, it was a classmate, Mary who waved at her and then asked her to have lunch together, Ana just followed her. It was strange that Mary talked to her, she had never done it, but she noticed this time Mary was not with her usual friends that were like glued to eachother "I wonder where are the other two" Ana thought. Mary walked towards one of the gardens. It was a quiet place, scented with the smell of pine trees; the needles of the pine trees made some kind of carpet over the grass. It was a nice place. They sat.

Ana listened to everything Mary said, she answered all the questions Mary did and as soon as they part she forgot all about the conversation. Since that day every time that she wanted to get away of the noise in the cafeteria or the voices of the students that constantly walked by the halls, she went to the pine tree garden. She liked to sit under the shadow of one of the pine trees. It was a perfect place... most of the times... she was always like that, one moment something could be perfect and the next moment it could be the worst thing ever... the quietness was the best of the place but also the worst. Ana... always on the fence.

It became a habit for Ana to go to that place, so much that sometimes she felt like crying "why? am I sad? why? because I keep coming alone here? why? I dont really have a reason to be sad... that means I should be happy...am I happy? have I ever been happy?" It was like an inner talk, almost a fight...it was like that most of the times. The scene was always the same, Ana sat under the same pine tree, eating her tasteless sandwinch and after eating, she used to laid on the grass to rest, to exist only.

One of so many days, her pine tree was being used by a couple, she was mad, it was her tree "are you crazy? the tree is not ur property! just sit somewhere else!" her inner voice told her. Mad at her inner voice she went to sit somewhere else, it was some kind of a small hill. An inner street of the campus was visible there.
That day before going to the garden she went to the cafeteria but she didnt found anything "eatable" so she just bought a drink and a cookie. Her lunch was almost finished when she heard an ambulance, it was louder and louder. It was comming up from the inner-street of the campus.
Quickly the paramedics ran carrying a stetcher towards the cafeteria after a while they came back with someone in the stretcher, probably someone that had fainted because one of the person`s hand was hanging out, moving at the quick pace of the paramedics.

Ana tried to see who that person was but it was too far, however the hand hanging on a side of the stretcher was too delicate and thin to be a man`s hand so she figured it was a woman. Ana had a tradition whenever she heard an ambulance she would pray a little prayer for whoever was in it. "Lord, please welcome that person in heaven and if they dont know you then give them a chance to know you, Amen" the prayer had changed over the time, she used to pray for the life of the people but since she didnt want to be on earth anymore she thought that maybe there was others with the same wish, but for they`re souls to be saved, that was what mattered after all, she thought.

Ana stared for a while at the place where the ambulance had been and for a second she felt a weird sensation inside her "I hope she didnt left anyone that needed her" she said in a whisper and then she forgot about it while lying on the grass again and staring fixedly at the blue sky.

when the clock turned two she woke up, took her things and walked towards the building of her next class, right when she passed in the place where the ambulance had been she felt the same weird sensation "maybe it was one of the cafeteria ladies, maybe the one I talked to..."  she stopped a little "forget about it Ana!" her inner voice said, she half smiled and kept walking slowly, her eyes looking to the ground.

***
I think this one`s a little weird...

dream

The day had been dim, humid n gloomy.

The night could`ve been a little better

my brain failed to understand words and reasons

I was tired of all so I closed my eyes.

I had a dream...

In my dream I had become a butterfly

I saw myself in a black silky dress

with a pair of colorful wings as a cape

I had change into something else, yet I was the same

it was me in that tiny wrapping.

It made me happy to feel the wind and fly for the first time.

 I still had my memories but they didnt hunt me, they were there, just sleeping

one woke up, that memory told me I had been killed.

To become a butterfly I had been killed and the former me died sad and lonely

with the knowledge that I had died to become the one that I was

I flied away... the breeze lifting me high. 

It didnt hurt anymore.

I had become something else

and the memories of my past were sleeping.