hurt

I guess I´ve memorized your words...so you know that you´re not alone, that´s what you said right? did you mean it? for some reason I keep wondering that and I think it´s unhealthy that I do it because it´s a smile for sure but a doubt too. ...so you know that you´re not alone... despite that I feel alone... I heard a man today, some kind of adviser, he said it was bad to complain for loneliness, he said the more one complains about it ..it´s like diminish oneself... I guess he meant the most you say it the most real it becames... I said I was going to try not to complain about it anymore...so much for the try... well the circunstances are not helping but still... will I ever change? will this ever change?

wondering

I´ve been thinking...what is the worst, physical pain or emotional pain? both of them are awful to feel -I´d know of that- both of them seem to pierce through your body both of them seem to bend you and knock you down mercilessly but physical pain despite it´s intensity it goes away eventually more if you take medicine...or it just fades away b/c ur body heals itself -not always that´s true...emotional pain on the other hand there´s no painkiller for that and it´s intensity seems to last for ever and it´s not that easy to fade away mmmm

suddenly I´ve realized this is pointless both are the worst... I want either of them... I want just the light, nice, happy moments mmm or maybe at least not feel a thing...

lirio

precioso

único y tan comùn

pureza en medio de verde oscurecido

corazón purpura

rayos dorados del alma

while reading

This morning I was reading some manga -how long it`s been since I read a real book, where`s the old me, I wonder... well not the old-old me but the one I was not so long ago mmm no maybe not that one either...it wasnt that good being that one either... mh I cant believe I have to think so much to find a time in my life that I liked but anyway, that`s not the point of this post. As I said before, while I was reading this morning -instead of... *dont change the subject!! ¬¬ *- I found this poem... it`s  I dont know I think I like it so I wanted to have it here.

Love by Ahn Do-Hyun

Please do not let the act of loving become a sin.
Please do not let my deeds cause others to shed tears.
Please do not let love cause us fear and pain.
And please do not let me say "I truly loved you" on the day I die,
so that on my grave, only our longing for each other remains,
piled high as the white salt.

***btw it`s been taken from the manga Love In The Mask

A photocopy I found

I have so much to study...I was looking on my folders, the ones that have things from past semesters...I found a photocopy and it had two little stories. Some teacher gave us that page...I`m not sure why...I do remember that day we had some sort of a reflection moment... anyway I wanted to post these here... they`re translated by me -I hope I did it well- they`re taken from the book Bocas del Tiempo written by Eduardo Galeano. 
So here they are: 

Moral And Good Customs

màscara de una tribu de Zimbabwe.

She was locked in a room, tied to a bed.
Everyday a man came in, always the same men.
After a few month, the prisoner got pregnant.
Then, she was forced to marry him.
The captors were not policemen nor soldiers. They were the mother and the father of this girl, almost a child, that had been found when she was kissing and touching a girl, a classmate of hers.
In Zimbabwe, in 1994, Bev Clark listened to her story.

Fishes

Mr or Mrs? or both at once? or sometimes he is a she, and sometimes she is a he? In the depth of the ocean, you never know.
The groupers and other fishes are great in the art of changing gender without surgery. The females became male and the males became females amanzingly easy; and no body is bullied or acused of treachery to the nature or to God`s law.

Epifanìa

mish! mish! mish! repetìa haciendo mi voz unas octavas màs altas. Me dirigìa a un gato que me observaba desde un muro, no cualquier muro, sino el muro que dividìa mi propiedad de la calle. Yo caminaba por la calle, salia a dar un paseo. "Si que le gusta estar en mi casa" pensè, pues todos los dias lo veìa o merodeando cerca de la puerta o dentro de mi jardin y especialmente en ese muro. No importaba, me gustaba mucho ese animal, su caracterìstico caminar y sus ojos atentos, su color gris matizado con blanco en el pecho. Era hermoso.

Un segundo pensamiento se viò activado por el anterior, uno que nada tenìa que ver con el gato, fue un nombre, una persona la que se hizo presente en mi mente tan claramente con el cielo azul y despejado de esa tarde. Sonreì, era grato pensar en esa persona. Me preguntè si de algùn modo esta persona se habìa acordado de mi y era por ello que ahora y tan de repente yo lo hacìa tambièn.

Seguì caminando hasta encontrar una banca y se me ocurriò que probablemente estaba en ese humor tan cursi y romàntico debido a mi màs reciente lectura, un best-seller, una serie que hasta peliculas tenìa. No era del todo mi estilo, asi me lo habian dicho "¿En serio te gusta? pero si es tan cursi!" era cierto, pero igual me gustaba quizà era a causa de la pasiòn que los protagosnistas profesaban por el otro y su decisiòn automàtica de sufrir para evitar que el otro lo hiciera. "Si, eso debe ser lo que me tiene asì" pensè, y luego sonreì a una pequeña que desde la distancia me miraba.

La brisa soplò, desordenando mis cabellos y volvì a pensar en esa persona. Su rostro, sus manos, su oscuro cabello y sus lindos ojos inundaron mi conciencia. Fue casi lasciva la forma en como mi mente me mostraba cada uno de sus rasgos. La brisa soplò ahora màs fuerte pero era fresca y se sintiò como una caricia en mi piel. "¿Serà que està pensando en mi y por ello yo tambièn lo hago?" preguntè en mi fuero interno "no" me respondì, "lo màs seguro es solo yo le este pensando, ¿harà eso que piense en mi... quizà... no -exhalè un suspiro- ...no creo que tengamos esa conexiòn entre nosotros...serìa genial que sì..."

La tarde caìa, el limpido cielo azul se tornaba violeta, grisaseo en partes. Me levantè y regresè de mi paseo. Al pasar por el muro antes de llegar a la puerta de mi casa, ahi estaba el gato, paracìa observarme, hasta girò su cabeza para seguir mis pasos. Sus felinos ojos otra vez me hicieron ver y oir los caracterìsticos rasgos de esa persona en la que pensaba. Sonreì. Aunque no pienses en mi, dije en alguna parte de mi, y antes de concluir ese pensamiento sentì como me inundaba de absoluto placer ante la realizaciòn de que simplemente le amaba.

witchcraft

She was watching the golden sunset from the kitchen window where she was. Her garments all black, a white apron on top of it and a coif. She had been mixing the dough to make some fresh bread. Rye bread made out the one the young lady that lived next door had brought for them, a gift. The kitchen was her place, were she was destined to be, now as the older daughter and then as a wife, it didnt matter, she was happy by only watching the sunset.

By the time the bread was ready the stars were already staining the blackness of the nightsky. The whole family at the table ready to take dinner. The wooden floor seemed to be complaining as her and her mother walked from the dinning room to the kitchen to get the dinner dishes. They were all seated as always, the same setting, the father at the head of the table, the mother on the other side, right across him and every body else around them. A prayer before eating was mandatory.

They had forgotten to bring the loaf of bread. It was cut already. The daughter went to get it; the wooden floor had schemed against her, one of the floorboards made the floor uneven, she tripped and all the bread fell to the ground. It was dirty, now no one was going to be able to eat it. The mother got mad. As punishment, the girl, the daughter, she had to eat it all, untill the loaf of bread was over. For some days that`s all she ate, rye bread made out of the grains the young woman next door had brought.The last piece of that dirty rye bread she ate was eaten on the dinner of a night with a beautiful silver full moon.

***
It was so hot but the breeze caressed her sweaty skin, the wind had a scent, the scent of the woods, her feet could feel the moist, dark soil when her toes moved. It was the middle of the night, she was wearring her white nightdress. She realized she was away from her home, she was in the woods, bare-foot. She had been dancing under the moon by music that only her ears heard, with souls that only her eyes saw. She didnt know how she got there or why. Scared, she sneaked back into her house and to her bed.The moon was up in the sky for a couple of days. It was the only witness of the girl`s delussions.

One windy day, at the time when the sun was setting, someone knocked the door. The mother went to answer. A bunch of people were there among them the minister, the magistrate...a young woman was there, next to them.

"Is this one?" the minister asked in a tone that let know he thought he was the better man standing there.
The girl left the kitchen due to the woices she heard, as she came out she saw a girl pointing at her, the same young woman that had brought the rye a few days ago. "That`s the one!" the young woman said. Men came in and took her with malicious hands, she fought and tried to free herself from their grip, at the beginning so did the mother and the father.

"Your daughter is suspected of iniquitous behaviour, she has commited the capital felony of whitchcraft!" The minister said clearly satisfy with himself
"she must go to trial for her sins" the magistrate said clearly afraid of the minister.
The girl kept fighting, her parents didnt, not anymore... they had believed the outsiders words...
"she`s resisting! I barely can hold her!" one of the captors said.A lie.
"another proof the devil is on her side, making her stronger than men!" the minister said, there were voices that sounded to agree with him. They took her to the meething house to be judge but the sentence was decided even before they even knew who she was. The witness, the young woman that had brought the rye, said she saw the girl in the woods dancing as a possesed calling the devil...she said that she even got paralized when she saw her... so many unreal proof. The girl was found guilty of having an `unlawful covenant with the devil` the sentence, death.

A pile of wood on the floor and she tied up to a pole. The minister saying some kind of understandible gibberish, when he finished he gave a nod to the magistrate, the magistrate gave the order..everybody was there to watch the execution of the evil witch.

It was worthless to try to scape, there was no way. One last talk, one last plea to her parents made her realize even them thought she was an evil witch deserving of that fate.

The fire seemed to dance around her, licking her skin, bitting like a wild animal. Her screams to the sky, for everybody else a show.... she died there, she was born there...

***
I`m a watching through my window the beautiful sun setting... it brought back memories of my past, of who I was, a bird in a cage. I`m a witch and I`ll dance under the dark sky and the silver moon tonight if it pleases me to do so...How many times can you burn a witch? ...well, the same amount she`ll reborn.

あ　い　う　え　お
か　き　く　け　こ
さ　し　す　せ　そ
た　ち　つ　て　と
ま　み　む　め　も
な　に　ぬ　ね　の

clock

tic-toc-tic-toc
the clock´s not really making any sound but every second is sounding in her head.
she has a schedule, she has habits or bad habits
tic-toc-tic-toc
she remembers what happened here and there and there
why would anybody remember a windy day?
tic-toc-tic-toc
it´s 7 already and she creates a mental image of someone else´s life
could she fit in there?

piece of heaven

I felt you there, with me.
I know you are always there...
but this time we were so close.
I missed the feeling of you and me like that.

You were there and nothing else mattered,
all the noise was muted.
We were on our very own piece of heaven.
You made it, it was heaven `cause you were there.

Wonderful... come to me more often.
I feel lost when you stay quiet, when you stop talking.
Because with you is so soft, simple, natural, easy
because with you there is no room for pain or tension
just both of us in our piece of heaven.

Come to me more often
stay with me always
keep talking, keep whispering to my ear
dont let me go.

sed

No me gusta soñar pero he estado soñando durante las noches de esta semana. Anoche tuve otro sueño. En el sueño era de dìa, mi familia y yo habiamos ido a algun lugar, era como un gran terreno aunque no tenia mucha vegetaciòn. En medio de ese terreno habia un gran pila, grande y honda, justo al ras del suelo, no estaba cubierta màs que por un enrejado de tubos. Me asomè a ver la pila y no estaba llena, de hecho estaba bastante vacia y aunque el terreno era bastante polvoso el agua dentro de la pila era clara, limpia, aunque era muy honda la pila yo podia ver facilmente el fondo, limpio, todo estaba limpio.
De pronto mi mamà estaba a mi lado con un trapeador y la media hermana de mi papà, estaba al otro lado de la pila, del lado opuesto a donde mamà y yo estabamos. La sra esta estaba barriendo lodo y todo lo lanzaba a la pila, al agua limpia en eso veo que mi mamà con el trapeador tambien estaba ensuciando la pila pues pasaba el trapeador empapado sobre los barrotes que cerraban la pila y todo el lodo y el agua sucia del trapeador caian a la pila "plop, plop, plop" escuchaba las gotas de agua caer. Yo les decia que dejaran de hacer eso, que ensuciaban el agua y no entendia porque nadie le habia puesto una cubierta solida a la pila a modo que no se ensuciara el agua. No me escuchaban. En eso sentì sed, mucha sed asi que me movì un poco hasta un chorro, lo encendì y el agua clara y fresca empezò a caer, era tanta la sed que ponia directamente mi boca en el chorro pero cada que lo hacia el agua parecia irse, dos veces pasò asi, luego me apartè para ver que pasaba y porque no podia tomar el agua aunque parecia estar aun fluyendo del chorro y cuando vi hacia arriba, habia una niña pequeña de largos cabellos ondulados y un vestido oscuro sentada sobre una especie de banca o muro del cual salia del agua hacia el chorro, resulta que era ella la que ponia su mano para desviar el agua y no dejarme beber. La vi molesta y rio complacida y con ojos maliciosos, aunque tenia mucha sed decidì ir al otro chorro que estaba màs lejos, tenia que regresar, pasar por la pila y caminar hasta una casa en ruinas, de la cual solo quedaban unas gradas y una pared muy alta construida de ladrillos rojos.
Las gradas eran muy altas y anchas y cuando al fin las subì vì que mi hermano se encontraba cerca del chorro pero ahi en el suelo habian animales, como insectos, hormigas, saltamontes, grillos y otros -no les tengo asco a esos animales pero en el sueño me parecian repulsivos- el solo me veia, veia a mis pies en eso me di cuenta que estaba descalza y que mis pies estaban llenos de lodo y que los insectos, lo animales grotescos estaban caminando sobre la piel de mis pies pero para poder llegar al chorro y lavarme y al fin saciar mi sed tenia que cruzar sobre y a traves de la gran fila de insectos horribles...
No sè como fue pero logrè pasar, encendì el chorro y metì mis pies bajo el agua que salia a fin de que el lodo y los animales fueran removidos. Tenia una gran sed pero el lodo no parecia ceder...

Despertè.... no sè si este sueño tendra algun significado o si serà solo que tenia sed o talvez una mezcla de imagenes guardadas en mi cabeza....

gibberish

pain.
It can be a muse too.
Your name is Pain
and you`re my muse for a rental...
You dont do your job very well
but you do honor your name.

Violently you kicked out loneliness,
my prior muse, the nice one, the quiet and sensible one.
You decided to bring your companions:
Solitude, the one that pinches my heart just for fun
Despair, the one who teases and tickles my soul `till insanity.

My new muse...
through glasses forces me to pour myself in black scribbles.
This soul is a good home for wicked muses...
They have all they need, it`s roomy because it`s empty
so they can bring all their things...
stoking, stocking their spells and potions,
playing and dancing around day and night
untill they get tired of the mess they make of me.

My new muse goes away to let me clean the mess
and then just brakes in, again, back to brake it all one more time
squeazing ink out of me, draining tears of my eyes.

The muses smile beautifully...
mine does it too, it`s dazzling,
but it always hits my kneess after...
my muse`s name is Pain.
My muse`s name is You.

questions

what is it that you`ve done to me??
what is it that you`ve done to me ?
damn it! I cant take you!
why, precisely today, that I was trying to make my resolution,
today that I had decided it was enoug
what`s wrong with you?
what`s wrong with me??
dont you see it hurts me??
you want me in pain?
or is it one of the lessons you say you want to teach me?
why cant you do it if u want it, ha?
why me??

**I dont want to forget I didnt write this today but last year, six days ago.

first post of 2011

ok....I`ve been delaying this, I didnt really wanted the year to end but nothing I can do about that, time will do what it always does, just keep moving on.
I didnt wanted a sad first entry for this year, gladly today I feel good -with no particular reason- n that`s a great feeling besides, I woke up early today something I`ve been meaning to do for a while now, it finally happened today n it was no hard thing to do -it`s a big deal to me haha

This morning I had a feeling that something good is going to happen, I guess that`s faith, but then, this is stronger than faith `cause I know it`s going to happen for sure. I just hope the whole year comes with that kind of feeling every morning, the feeling that everything will be ok, the feeling of not being tired of everything.... that`s a good feeling...