Feeeeliz cumpleaños Kari!!!!!!

YAY!! Q PASES UN MUY FELIZ DIA

 HAPPY BIRHTDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR KARIII
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!

muuuuchos abrazos en este día!!!!

After the end

They were on the same place without even nowing it.

They were on the same path, each one looking to a side.

They were linked by a shared breath,

but so many miles apart.

Their story was the same,

but the words of their hearts had changed.

Their soul had been wrecked by the same sword.

They were so similar that their eyes repelled the other´s sight.

They were so close that a fleeting spark made them burn to ashes.

They knew it all, therefore all  words died for them.

Then, with no words, they found each other at the same place

with a glacier between them...

not noticing the sun was still shining in the sky above.

Fallen angel

chap 15***RainY***

It was a rainy weekend. A rainy Sunday afternoon. Just after lunch, Ayon and I were hanging out at my place. He had invited himself and I was thrilled with that.

He always had stories to tell me. It had been almost two years since we had met but he was still the one that did most of the talking or it felt that way.

Most of the stories he tells me have to do with his impression on life. Abstract things mostly but sometimes they could be as simple as the colors of the last sunrise or as complicated as how a soul gives in to its desires even if such desires are no good. The one of “giving in to desires” made me laugh because it made think he had somehow realized what I was feeling. Maybe he knew me that much due to the amount of time and energy we had share during our time together.

The door bell rang. We both looked each other. It was strange ´cause the only one that knocked on my door –sometimes- was already in the house. I got up. Ayon followed me. I opened the door.

“Chris!” I said surprised. The fair young man smiled, leaning to kiss my cheeck.

“Hello Eimi!” he said  “sorry to come unannounced but I already have the papers you asked for”

“oh!” I thought it was odd for someone to come to my house only to give me some papers when in a few hours we were going to see each other again “well, come in, you´re getting wet there!” Once in the living room I reminded myself that it was good manners to introduce people to each other. “this is Chris, the new friend I talked you about…” I said to Ayon “and this is Ayon” I said to Chris.

They shook hands. Ayon examining Chris´appereance, energy, in a subtle way but noticeable to me.

I went to bring some drinks. We sat. They both had followed me to the kitchen and helped me to bring their own drinks.

“I´ve heard a lot about you” said Chris to Ayon in a conversational way

“really?” said Ayon half smiling, glancing at me with a questioning look.

“he knows I think  you´re interesting” I said blushing while fighting  to sound as if I had said it with less interest “he is the friend at work” I repeated to change the subject “his father was a friend of father though  I´ve never met him before he camed to work at the company… I guess I had heard of him though, I´m not sure…when he came there I didn’t know who he was” I smiled at Chris. Ayon rolled his eyes. It made me laugh. “yes, you know how I am” I said to him. We both smiled.

“I´ve always been on boarding schools though I did know who she was…” Chriss added to the story. Then I remembered the reason for Chris´ visit.

“it was ok if you had given that to me tomorrow” I said pointing the papers he had brough. I felt guilty too for he had worked a lot. I saw it in the dark shadows under his eyes.

“I just wanted to give them to you as soon as possible… since I know you like eficiency” he said smiling “and… you remember I´m going on a bussiness trip… so I wanted to see if you wanted to ask anything about it” he always sounded so sweet and happy even if he seemed so tired. I found that strange.

I took the folder and gave it a quick look. It seemed ok… anyway it was not like I couldn’t call him or e-mail him in case of doubt or disagreement on his ideas.

“I think it´s ok” I said putting away the folder. I saw Ayon´s eyes fixed on me. I was seated at his feet, on the floor.

“have you been feeling better?” Chris interrupted my thoughts. The last time he had seen me besides being gloomy for my demon-angel absence I had have a horrible headache, maybe one was the cause of the other…

“I´m ok now, it´s sweet of you to ask, thanks” we both smiled. An unconfortable silence took the scene for a moment.

“Won´t you go out to eat something with me?” he asked “or you guys have eaten already?” his happy voice was still there. I just couldn’t understand how come he could sound that way. He was clearly embarrased.

“well, I asure you this girl” both guys looked at me  “will tell you she is still full with lunch” Ayon said grinning. He was right. I didn’t feel like eating. I only smiled and leaned my head to Ayon´s knees.

“well, then I guess I´d better go pack” Chris said with his characteristic soft tone that made him sound happy all the time. That was admirable to me.

 He and I stood up and walked to the door. I felt Ayon was behind us. I said goodbye to Chris and he leaned to kiss me goodbye. I corresponded him. It was a first ´cause I never feel confortable using kisses as greetings or with kisses at all but it felt ok to do it with Chriss.

“bye Ayon” said Chis. Ayon only nodded.

Ayon and I went back to the living room. I sat on the floor. He on the couch. We said nothing for a while though there was no uncomfortable silence.

“will you check that report?” he asked

“I´d rather talk to you” I said being honest. He giggled.

“it´s ok if you do it, it is part of your work… I´ll  be here taking a nap” he said smiling  while making himself confortable on the couch. He closed his eyes and fell silent. I smiled and took the folder that laid on the coffee table. I knew he didn’t need to `nap`. He was only giving me time to work. I started to read the report Chris had written.

Ayon didn’t nap at all. He started to play with strands of my hair making it all messy. He even put some in my face. I only smiled and kept on reading. A while went by.

“I don’t like the way this sound” I said more talking to myself “what do you think” I said then, automatically, handing the paper to Ayon. He didn’t took it.

“just call Chris and ask him” he said a little harsh.

“I´m asking you!” I said still waiting for him to take the paper

“I´m sure he´ll be able to help you way more than me”

“I need your help now!” I said a little annoyed by his stubborness. I only needed an opinion.

“you don’t need me. You have him” he said in a plain voice “you wont even miss me anymore…you have him to help you” he continued with a lost stare. I turned to see him. It was a strange thing for him to say such things… it almost sounded as if he was…

“are you jealous or something?” I asked  “of course I need you and I miss you a lot when you´re not around” I said after asking the prior question. I didn’t let him talk… I felt that it was ridiculous for me to think he was jealous of me and Chris, a mere collegue.

“let me see” he said stretching his hand towards the paper. I gave it to him. He game me a comment.

“let´s go out” I said after he finished.

“it´s raining out there” he said, getting up and holding his hair in a pony tale

“will the demon-prince catch a cold?” I said teasingly

“no, but the human girl might” he said “go and put on a raincoat and warm clothes, I´ll bring the umbrella” he added. I went to my bedroom.

When I came down he was already at the door with the open umbrella.

“you didn’t took one for me?” I asked getting mad

“this one´s for you” he said moving his hand to make me get out of the house

“what ´bout you? You´ll get wet! I´ll go bring one for you too”

“come out now, you girl! The demon-prince wont get sick, remember?” he sad and then smiled. I rolled my eyes “besides, this is a big umbrella you have, four person could fit in here!”

The rain got lighter so we went walking withough destin Only walking and talking about everything and really about nothing.

We turned to a corner and found a little caffee. We saw each other and decided to come in, withouth words. It end up being a nice Sunday. He left late after dinner.

Fallen angel

chap 14***StarinG**

“why are you so quiet now?” he asked leaning to his side

“mh…” I smiled  “ I think I have to go” I said looking at my watch, it was getting dark.

“now?”

“want me to stay?”

“yes” and so I stayed there pondering all the new information while observing him as much as I pleased. He had his eyes fixed on the sky. Mine were fixed on him. He was so beautiful. I think I blushed while thinking that but I just wanted to contemplate him, his face. How much I wish you know I love you, I said in my thoughts.

“tell me, is there something new in your life?” he asked looking at me. He wanted a conversation. I blushed a little or it felt like I did but I recovered quickly or I think I did.

“mmm well, you see…” I started to calm down a little, after all, I guess, I had been caught staring at him. “I have a new friend”. He said nothing only smiled and asked nothing more. I wish he had asked because I just couldn’t know if he wanted to know more or not. I said nothing for a moment. “He is one of the few that agrees with me at my job. He is kind and seems like a nice guy. For some reason he always looks happy. It is refreshing to see a face like his over there”

“I see” he said in a monotone voice “glad you found someone nice” he said just a tiny bit more animated.

“yes, I think he´s ok I think i´ll start working closely to him, I like his work” I continued despite his sudden lack of interest or what seemed to be lack of interest.

“good” he said finally. I only smiled thinking I had made him bored wich was the most likely ´cause this was no interesting at all. “It is getting late” he said standing up from the grass. He extended his had to help me to get up.

“so fast!” I said trying to sound less dissapointed than I felt for the time going away so fast. I had already forgotten that I had said goodbye only a moment before.

“well, bye Ei” he said turning to leave. Then  he turned his head to see me, our eyes met. My sight had a longing stare. I was thinking I didn’t want to go. I wanted to go but not to leave his side. I wanted to invite him to  my place but I wasn’t sure he was going to accept my invitation and I didn’t have the courage to invite him either.

My eyes were caught by his while thinking all this. I can swear he read into my soul or something ´cause he turned back and hugged me.

“see you!” he said then already walking away.

“bye” I said almost in a whisper.

He walked down the path that went like a serpent on the green grass. My eyes on the ground. I was afraid that he could look back and find me staring at him. The idea of it made me anxious but some seconds later I just couldn’t resist and looked up to folow him with my eyes but someone, that walked towards the place I was, covered the view I had of him. I still didn’t look away. I think the woman who passed by thought I was staring at her. She even seemed mad about it. I didn’t care. I didn’t take my eyes of the direction my angel was walking. When she finally passed he was about to turn to a corner. He disappear. I couldn’t see him anymore still I was like glued to the ground and somewhere in my heart it hurt cause I was already missing him.

night

Disarmed

I miss you so much.

Undeniable.

You are the one to blame.

Alone.

How long more should I pretend?

out of her head

Reverie

Dream

Lips drawing a pretty mouth

Breath caressing a fair skin

A reverie that kept on going

eyelashes brushing a cheeck.

while waiting

Step, step, step...

Wind blowing.

Voices all over the place.

No warmth to warm my hands

No smile to caress my soul.

Unshed tears are a memory in my eyes...

**a seed just like the one in the picture fall on my lap one day of april while waiting for someone. When I saw the seed, words just came to me... the product is this little poem.
*** 2edit dec.2010 the pict of the seed didnt work anymore n I didnt find another... I`ll keep looking for it

Message

Love is forever.

Love waits.

It is not necessarily as we want it to be.

It is as it is.

Everlasting.

It always leaves a trail.

It exists and happens...on its own.

It supaces everything.

It embeds everything.

**This was actually a dream that I had. In my dream I was talking to a friend. She told me this since she knew I didnt believe in love -Im really like that in real life- In my dream it was a rainy afternoon and she was there waiting for me to tell me this message... It was a strange dream... though it sounds like the kind of things she would say...maybe...

friday

lo que menos quiero hacer es lo que tengo que hacer!!!!
no tengo ideas, se han ido las musas!!!

Fallen angel

***SiN***

When I saw him again I was still quite affected by mom´s ghost visit. Some days after it happned, we were having lunch together, something like a pic-nic ´cause we were sitting on the grass of the park, eating there. When we finished our talk finished too.

“are you ok, Ei?” he asked after a while

“mh” I said half-smiling.

“what happened?” he asked again.

“mother asked me to do something I don’t want to do and since she asked I sort of feel the obligation to do it”  I said.  His eyes had a  puzzled look on them but I guess something in my face made him drop the subject for a moment.

“if you don’t want to do it, you shouldn’t do it” he said, I felt supported by him. We fell silent again.

“Ayon, how´s heaven like?” I asked him out of nowhere. I was like that sometimes. My course of thought is not lineal, it is more like an abtract painting, scattered thoughts, still I feel like I´m so predictable sometimes.

“how do you imagine it?”

“well, supposedly is bright, pretty with floor made of clouds and of course a lot of angels” he chuckled.

“yeah, many souls live in that kind of heaven and they live quite happily there, too. However; I asked you how do YOU think heaven is, not how it´s supposed to be”

“mmmhh I guess heavens for me would be different everytime but it would always have the feeling of warm heart… maybe heaven could be a yard, with trees that lend me their shadow to sleep under I” I laughed at my own statement “… I don’t know… that´s why I asked someone who can tell me how it really is!!” I rolled my eyes.

“when your soul be there, if you feel it is a big yard, then it will be. if you feel it is nothing but eyes closed and a warm heart then it will be that”

“really?” I asked a bit surprised

“of course! it is a place of joy and happiness, it´ll have everything that gives you that”

“everything?” I asked thinking that my heaven could include certaing angel

“well, yeah, everything, not necessarily everyone…” I felt as if he could read my mind, but also a little dissapointed.

“how´s hell?” I asked then

“same idea”

“ I see… so, how is heaven to you?”

“now it is my lost home” he said, sadness in his voice “but it was home, the best thing you can imagine. A golden sun that doesn’t burn and gorgeous moons too, the magnificent of the never ending creation there and His love like air, everywhere, in evertything and everyone like a permanent loving hug… so much that everyone of us felt like workshipping him, some with dances, some quietly, some of us singing…” his whole body seemed to be remembering and re-living what he was describing.

“wow! It sounds great!” I said. I wasn’t sure if to ask my next question.

“you have more questions, right?” he said, looking at my eyes wich went to see the ground, I couldn’t stand his beautiful green eyes when he read me so easily “tell me” he said.

“how´s… the other place to you”  I said avoiding to name heaven´s counterpart, even though I had already said it once before… but this time it seemed more personal.

“you! Always avoiding certain things right?” he said half smiling “hell” he said  “I´ve never liked it, though I have never really being there, I´ve seen it from above on my angel days, but as I told you it is different to everyone, it seemed cold to me, instead of a golden sun or darkness with moon and stars it is –for me- only darkness, the kind that makes you shiver… His love is everywhere though, after all he is the father, the mother of us all, it is only that there it inspires despair, guilt for some and hate or comptempt for others. Some of its inhabitants actually seemed to enjoy there, –demons,  I mean- they do parties and stuff there but there´s no one that doesn’t have a broken and bitter heart. Something that is more noticeable after ´enjoying´ a party. The star of the morning, the evil one now, the most bitter of all, his aura flows there too and yet He still loves him”

“wow” I said again in amazement “what about earth, what do you see here?” he smiled his pretty smile.

“earth is like the middle ground. It have its hearven-like moments but also its hell-like moments, sometimes even both at once” I understood that idea very well ´cause being with him and feeling in my heart like I feel is like that, both at once.

“can I ask you why you´ve never been in hell?” he raised both of his eyebrows and then looked up to the sky. I got afraid that I had asked too careless “I´m…” I was about to apologize when he started to talk.

“I went there as an angel, but I didn’t belonged in there so, it wasn’t the same thing, now I belong there but I´ve clung to earth and to you that I do not need to go there and I´ll try not to be there as much as I can”

“cant you go back… I mean cant He forgive you?”

“he always gives second chances. He´s not an ogre but the fact that you forgive someone, that you love someone, doesn’t mean the consequences of the actions will go away”

“you´re being punished?” I asked, a crease inbetween my eyes.

“I dissobeyed and keep on doing it…” his voice only a murmur, sadness in it.

“cant she change and go to heavens to be like you” I knew he thought he was still dissobeying ´cause he still loved Shiloe, and had no regret for doing so. He smiled at my attempt of solving things.

“she loves what she does, no actually she hates it but love and hate can have the same strength in a soul if you let it. It´s her personal goal to ruin as many souls as she can. It was her personal goal to make me fall, of course, she couldn’t had done it if I hadnt been willing to do it… wich is my sin, being willing to fall… no dear” he stopped me before I started to talk, “a sin is something that cause damage, pain to your soul and that… hurt mine”

“i…I wish I could do something to give you what you want, I wisht I could do something to make you go back to the place you want to be. I feel so useless, if it were up to me I would give you what you want…” I said impulsevely. He frowned a little. It surprised me.

“i´m sorry” he said

“mh??”

“I shouldn’t have come to you, you shouldn’t want to help a demon. I´ve corrupted you too, another sin, you see, I should be here…”

“shut up!” I said angrily “you have never forced me to anything, besides, what´s wrong with me being by yourside? I´m not corrupted by you, never, ever say that again and in case that I´m corrupted it has been under my own responsibility!” he smiled and hugged me tightly. I hugged him back putting my forehead in his shoulder

“you know?” he said, talking while we were hugging “you´re a great girl… and here´s where I want to be now” he said addresing my prior wish of sending him where he wanted to be.

It was impossible not to love him and I was failing to stop it, instead my love kept on growing and it seemed that under his deffinition I was commiting a sin by doing it, ´cause it was damaging my soul… it –his care and love- repaired my soul a while ago but now  the love that I felt was also a different kind of love, unaccepted. It was hurting my soul… and I didn’t want to end up in a place where despair and hate plus bitterness were eternal, after all I had felt that until he found me. I didn’t want to be in a punishment cold place without any good. I don’t want bitterness for my soul anymore yet my heart tells me that he is what I want, that demon-angel that fell for loving someone.

Fallen angel

***AdviceS***

Last night she came. I was sleeping peacefully when I felt her hand  caressing my cheeck, putting away the strands of dark hair that were over my face. She was seated on the edge of my bed just like she used to when she was alive. I opened my eyes slowly and smiled just like I used to do when she awoke me like that. I lifted my hands and stretched  them to her, she leaned. A hug. I felt the smell of her skin, her soft hair. She let go then. A smile.

“hi baby!” she said with her serene voice

“hi” I smiled. It was her. Her face, posture and that aura of hers that made so easy to just `be`. it was my beloved person. The one that had been my strenth, my whole life but she had left early. It was mom. I knew I wasn’t dreaming. It was far too real for a dream.

“I want happiness for you, my love” she told me

“I know” I said smiling.

“I don’t want you to be alone, I don’t want you to be sad for us. Honey, I pray for you to have someone by your side” This talk was kind of strange for us to have. It was like she was alive again… she was like that, a bit random… when she remembered something she started to talk about that and if in the middle of that talk she remembered something else, a new topic started. To think of it, only that, made me smile.

“I was unbelievable alone when you stopped to exist. I was bitter and broken. I still miss you everyday”

“oh, baby!, you know everything happens for a purpose”

“come on! You know how much I hate that saying!” she smiled and caressed my face.

“I´m glad you are not bitter anymore” she knew me well and she was so sensitive to what I said without words.

“an angel has helped me on that…”

“is that so?”

“yes, I know you know who he is” I knew her well too.

“yes, dear, I know who is that angel…” her tone changed a little, it was not a rough one, it was still her voice but it was the tone she used to use to ´advice` wich was kind of an order to me…

“let me tell you that I´m greatful for the company he has given to you, for being a friend to  you but, honey, he is no angel, he is a demon…calm down!... you know how I always thought everyone had their good part, well, probably, he has it too but, honey, if you´re with a demon what that makes you?”

“I´m not going to leave my friend over a label, not when he has been wonderful to me!”

“I´m not saying you to leave him but try not to spend all your free time only with him, try to be with other people too, make other friends, human friends”

“they´re not like him”

“exactly… besides what would happen if one day this demon thinks he likes you?” tears were coming down my eyes now. I knew that was her way of saying `I don’t approve that friend` and her wishes had always been my commands, always maybe because we had always been in agreement but I was not going to listen to her in this one. Besides, she was wrong, he was not thinking he loved me, I was.

“just listen to me, all right, he wont bring you any good and I don’t want you to pay debts by asociation”

I said nothing. It was worthless to ague, non of us were going to change our minds. She was not going to want him near me, I was not going to want him away. I closed my eyes. I felt how she caressed my cheeck once and when I opened my eyes again I was alone, she  had desappeared.

I was sad, so sad but he was what I wanted and what I had of him  I was going to cherish fiercely –his friendship.

whitered flower

Dead.
Yet so alive,
bringing life to the withered flower.

Lost.
However, showing the way back
to the blind wanderer.

Gray.
And still so shiny,
lighting the night of the desert.

Hopeless.
But full of faith,
taking care of the broken wing bird.

Dead, Lost, Gray, Hopeless,
brought up life, light and sanity
while digging a grave
to put it all away.

enviado como new year 2011

Fallen angel

***UneasY***

We didn’t talk about that incident anymore he had sealed it in him. I wanted to ask him how he had felt after that, I wanted to ask him if he was better, if julia had at least appoligized to him but I dint find the strenth he didn’t mention it either… only once he said he wanted to be more cautious he didn’t want to get hurt anymore. I think he asked himself why the same thing kept happening to him. Well I knew the reason, he was so easy, he didn’t had a hard time oppening his heart to anybody, unfortunately those that got close to him had awful hearts and my precious angel, despite all his power kept on getting stabed on the back; however, I wouldn’t like him to close himself, to stop trusting to stop believing in goodness. I wouldn’t like him to be like me. Heartless, yeah, I seemed like that. I was heartless because my heart had been tear apart but in realitiy it was even more sensitive than many people, only that I didn’t let people to come into my heart so easily . I tried to ignore most people, not to get related to anybody. I dint want to get attached to no one so they wouldn’t leave me one day all broken, lost, crying just like when family had to leave -or when they were forced to leave. Ayon doesn’t know about what had happened to them, to me. When I met him I didn’t want to talk about it. Now I could talk to him about it but he doesn’t seem willing to  listen to it or maybe I just couldn’t talk about it.

I´m afraid. I´m afraid. I love him but I´m afraid that he would leave me. I´m afraid to tell him I love him because he´ll leave me. I know, but I also know he´ll leave anyway. He´ll leave anyway when he found somewhere, someone, whe he return to the place he came from or when he gets tired of being here… I´m afraid of being left alone by him now that he´s the only one I got. So confusing….I´m … heartless but I´m not, I´m not heartless, that´s just a defense. I´m really not cold though I search for warmness. I get away from people because I miss them so much whem they´re gone.

I wonder  if we will part someday. Life seems to do that. Life seems to separate people all the time. In a year what will be of Ayon and me? Will we still be together? In  a decade will he still be by my side? I´m sure he wont like me that much. I´m sure I´ll never stop liking him this much. I love him but there´s a thin line between love and hate and sometimes what you´ve love is what you hate the most. I cant have him nor he wants me to have him. It´s clear…my mood and doubts and all this future thinking gives me away… I havent seen him in days… too many…

There´s no other pretty, alluring girl for him lately. He still is being careful. There´s been flirty girls after him but I guess he doesn’t like them or he is just being careful. I feel like crying now. I want what I cant have I want what I shouldn’t have. I cant do nothing. I need him

impensable

más de lo que pensé
una visión 20/20 directa a mi alma
....
palabras que hicieron que la atmósfera fluctuara
me aplastara hasta el pavimento
o me dejara flotar más allá junto al viento...

visión 20/20 que me desnuda el alma
y me desarma,
rompe mis resoluciones
y me lanza a lo inimaginable...

impensable.

beyond

beyond my own undestanding...

there you are, 

all the time, 

so far away, 

yet I have you here by my side...

three words came along,

while contemplating your face...

they´re beyond my undestanding...

there you are,

even if I dont understand,

even if you dont know,

here we are,

almost holding hands.