***SiN***
When I saw him again I was still quite affected by mom´s ghost visit. Some days after it happned, we were having lunch together, something like a pic-nic ´cause we were sitting on the grass of the park, eating there. When we finished our talk finished too.
“are you ok, Ei?” he asked after a while
“mh” I said half-smiling.
“what happened?” he asked again.
“mother asked me to do something I don’t want to do and since she asked I sort of feel the obligation to do it” I said. His eyes had a puzzled look on them but I guess something in my face made him drop the subject for a moment.
“if you don’t want to do it, you shouldn’t do it” he said, I felt supported by him. We fell silent again.
“Ayon, how´s heaven like?” I asked him out of nowhere. I was like that sometimes. My course of thought is not lineal, it is more like an abtract painting, scattered thoughts, still I feel like I´m so predictable sometimes.
“how do you imagine it?”
“well, supposedly is bright, pretty with floor made of clouds and of course a lot of angels” he chuckled.
“yeah, many souls live in that kind of heaven and they live quite happily there, too. However; I asked you how do YOU think heaven is, not how it´s supposed to be”
“mmmhh I guess heavens for me would be different everytime but it would always have the feeling of warm heart… maybe heaven could be a yard, with trees that lend me their shadow to sleep under I” I laughed at my own statement “… I don’t know… that´s why I asked someone who can tell me how it really is!!” I rolled my eyes.
“when your soul be there, if you feel it is a big yard, then it will be. if you feel it is nothing but eyes closed and a warm heart then it will be that”
“really?” I asked a bit surprised
“of course! it is a place of joy and happiness, it´ll have everything that gives you that”
“everything?” I asked thinking that my heaven could include certaing angel
“well, yeah, everything, not necessarily everyone…” I felt as if he could read my mind, but also a little dissapointed.
“how´s hell?” I asked then
“same idea”
“ I see… so, how is heaven to you?”
“now it is my lost home” he said, sadness in his voice “but it was home, the best thing you can imagine. A golden sun that doesn’t burn and gorgeous moons too, the magnificent of the never ending creation there and His love like air, everywhere, in evertything and everyone like a permanent loving hug… so much that everyone of us felt like workshipping him, some with dances, some quietly, some of us singing…” his whole body seemed to be remembering and re-living what he was describing.
“wow! It sounds great!” I said. I wasn’t sure if to ask my next question.
“you have more questions, right?” he said, looking at my eyes wich went to see the ground, I couldn’t stand his beautiful green eyes when he read me so easily “tell me” he said.
“how´s… the other place to you” I said avoiding to name heaven´s counterpart, even though I had already said it once before… but this time it seemed more personal.
“you! Always avoiding certain things right?” he said half smiling “hell” he said “I´ve never liked it, though I have never really being there, I´ve seen it from above on my angel days, but as I told you it is different to everyone, it seemed cold to me, instead of a golden sun or darkness with moon and stars it is –for me- only darkness, the kind that makes you shiver… His love is everywhere though, after all he is the father, the mother of us all, it is only that there it inspires despair, guilt for some and hate or comptempt for others. Some of its inhabitants actually seemed to enjoy there, –demons, I mean- they do parties and stuff there but there´s no one that doesn’t have a broken and bitter heart. Something that is more noticeable after ´enjoying´ a party. The star of the morning, the evil one now, the most bitter of all, his aura flows there too and yet He still loves him”
“wow” I said again in amazement “what about earth, what do you see here?” he smiled his pretty smile.
“earth is like the middle ground. It have its hearven-like moments but also its hell-like moments, sometimes even both at once” I understood that idea very well ´cause being with him and feeling in my heart like I feel is like that, both at once.
“can I ask you why you´ve never been in hell?” he raised both of his eyebrows and then looked up to the sky. I got afraid that I had asked too careless “I´m…” I was about to apologize when he started to talk.
“I went there as an angel, but I didn’t belonged in there so, it wasn’t the same thing, now I belong there but I´ve clung to earth and to you that I do not need to go there and I´ll try not to be there as much as I can”
“cant you go back… I mean cant He forgive you?”
“he always gives second chances. He´s not an ogre but the fact that you forgive someone, that you love someone, doesn’t mean the consequences of the actions will go away”
“you´re being punished?” I asked, a crease inbetween my eyes.
“I dissobeyed and keep on doing it…” his voice only a murmur, sadness in it.
“cant she change and go to heavens to be like you” I knew he thought he was still dissobeying ´cause he still loved Shiloe, and had no regret for doing so. He smiled at my attempt of solving things.
“she loves what she does, no actually she hates it but love and hate can have the same strength in a soul if you let it. It´s her personal goal to ruin as many souls as she can. It was her personal goal to make me fall, of course, she couldn’t had done it if I hadnt been willing to do it… wich is my sin, being willing to fall… no dear” he stopped me before I started to talk, “a sin is something that cause damage, pain to your soul and that… hurt mine”
“i…I wish I could do something to give you what you want, I wisht I could do something to make you go back to the place you want to be. I feel so useless, if it were up to me I would give you what you want…” I said impulsevely. He frowned a little. It surprised me.
“i´m sorry” he said
“mh??”
“I shouldn’t have come to you, you shouldn’t want to help a demon. I´ve corrupted you too, another sin, you see, I should be here…”
“shut up!” I said angrily “you have never forced me to anything, besides, what´s wrong with me being by yourside? I´m not corrupted by you, never, ever say that again and in case that I´m corrupted it has been under my own responsibility!” he smiled and hugged me tightly. I hugged him back putting my forehead in his shoulder
“you know?” he said, talking while we were hugging “you´re a great girl… and here´s where I want to be now” he said addresing my prior wish of sending him where he wanted to be.
It was impossible not to love him and I was failing to stop it, instead my love kept on growing and it seemed that under his deffinition I was commiting a sin by doing it, ´cause it was damaging my soul… it –his care and love- repaired my soul a while ago but now the love that I felt was also a different kind of love, unaccepted. It was hurting my soul… and I didn’t want to end up in a place where despair and hate plus bitterness were eternal, after all I had felt that until he found me. I didn’t want to be in a punishment cold place without any good. I don’t want bitterness for my soul anymore yet my heart tells me that he is what I want, that demon-angel that fell for loving someone.
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