Fallen angel

***UneasY***

We didn’t talk about that incident anymore he had sealed it in him. I wanted to ask him how he had felt after that, I wanted to ask him if he was better, if julia had at least appoligized to him but I dint find the strenth he didn’t mention it either… only once he said he wanted to be more cautious he didn’t want to get hurt anymore. I think he asked himself why the same thing kept happening to him. Well I knew the reason, he was so easy, he didn’t had a hard time oppening his heart to anybody, unfortunately those that got close to him had awful hearts and my precious angel, despite all his power kept on getting stabed on the back; however, I wouldn’t like him to close himself, to stop trusting to stop believing in goodness. I wouldn’t like him to be like me. Heartless, yeah, I seemed like that. I was heartless because my heart had been tear apart but in realitiy it was even more sensitive than many people, only that I didn’t let people to come into my heart so easily . I tried to ignore most people, not to get related to anybody. I dint want to get attached to no one so they wouldn’t leave me one day all broken, lost, crying just like when family had to leave -or when they were forced to leave. Ayon doesn’t know about what had happened to them, to me. When I met him I didn’t want to talk about it. Now I could talk to him about it but he doesn’t seem willing to  listen to it or maybe I just couldn’t talk about it.

I´m afraid. I´m afraid. I love him but I´m afraid that he would leave me. I´m afraid to tell him I love him because he´ll leave me. I know, but I also know he´ll leave anyway. He´ll leave anyway when he found somewhere, someone, whe he return to the place he came from or when he gets tired of being here… I´m afraid of being left alone by him now that he´s the only one I got. So confusing….I´m … heartless but I´m not, I´m not heartless, that´s just a defense. I´m really not cold though I search for warmness. I get away from people because I miss them so much whem they´re gone.

I wonder  if we will part someday. Life seems to do that. Life seems to separate people all the time. In a year what will be of Ayon and me? Will we still be together? In  a decade will he still be by my side? I´m sure he wont like me that much. I´m sure I´ll never stop liking him this much. I love him but there´s a thin line between love and hate and sometimes what you´ve love is what you hate the most. I cant have him nor he wants me to have him. It´s clear…my mood and doubts and all this future thinking gives me away… I havent seen him in days… too many…

There´s no other pretty, alluring girl for him lately. He still is being careful. There´s been flirty girls after him but I guess he doesn’t like them or he is just being careful. I feel like crying now. I want what I cant have I want what I shouldn’t have. I cant do nothing. I need him