Double Life: Sunrise

On her way out she picked her scattered clothes, she lay on her bed for a moment, she started to feel sleepy, she woke up reluctantly to put on her pajamas and dry her hair with the towel. She opened her drawer and took an oatmeal cookie package and she started to nibble it, still with the lights off. After she ate it, she lay down and decided to skip classes the next day; it was going to be Family Day. She knew she was not going to be the only one without her parents there, many of those kids had parents whose priorities were business or anything else but their children but still, maybe the twins parents were coming, she really didn´t want to meet them or any other parent.

She sighed, she couldn´t really skip that day, the day before she´d been volunteered –forced- by the homeroom teacher to be the one to welcome the parents with a few words. My parents won´t come, she had argued but when a teacher had decided something there was no way to talk them out of it. Skipping would mean to end up in the principal´s office and then her  ‘privileges’ may be taken away, after all she´d made the principal mad when Josh had first arrived, a little more than six months ago, and she knew the man wouldn´t forget.

With all that in mind she fell asleep and her nightmares came to disturb her dreams.

Nichole got out of bed and left her room with a small backpack on her back, she was angry at herself for having so many nightmares, she left from her usual place, the window, she headed towards the pool, water had a calming effect on her, her steps were careful and silent, she walked avoiding the circles of light that the lamps casted on the ground. In the path that she took there was a fountain; it was lit by a couple of lights that were on the ground. The lights made a shadow.

As she got closer she realized the shadow was a person, there was a boy laying on the edge of the white marble fountain, one of his hands was in the water, the other was placed over his forehead he seemed to be asleep but the foot that was on the ground steadying him was moving up and down quickly as if he was impatiently waiting for something.

The boy was wearing a jacket that Nichole had bought and wrapped as a present a few months ago. She knew she could avoid talking to Josh, he hadn’t even listened to her, he hadn´t realized she was looking at him at some distance from the shadows. The shadows, she mumbled to herself.

“Aren´t you afraid of darkness” she walked closer to the fountain where the boy was. She was able to distinguish his mouth twitching and finally forming a grin.

“The sun´s about to rise” he kept his position but his leg stopped moving.

“Doesn´t mean monsters aren´t still lurking around”

“I thought you only went to the stone wall when you had nightmares “he commented still not taking his hand off his face. She was a little taken aback.

“And why´s that?” she was still standing in the same place, near his foot.

“Because I had never encountered you here” 

“What do you mean?”

“Since I´ve gotten here my insomniac nights are more frequent, so I often come here to see the sunrise and sometimes I went… “the boy trailed off

“To keep me company” she supplied and the boy took his hand off his face and stared at her.

“Yeah”  he finally said.

“Well, later, Josh –she started to walk away- by the way –she stopped with her back to him- you´ll be giving the welcoming tomorrow instead of me” She started to walk again when as she suddenly felt a hand grabbing hers. She stopped completely and her mind told her to pull her hand away but her hand was already squeezing back the boy´s hand, she turned to see the boy to make some kind of smartass remark or a simple ‘let me go’ but when she was about to open her mouth the boy looked down at their clasped hands and she noticed her bare white hand between the boy´s bigger one. Her eyes widened, she started to feel her heart race and her chest ache but she knew that it was not really her heart or her chest or her arm that hurt, it was what the boy was feeling, she immediately let go, the boy collapsed to the ground on his side clutching his chest and his eyes shut tight.

“Josh! Josh!” she cried as she squatted down, she couldn´t touch him, it would only make it worst. She cried for help but no one seemed to be near. The sun was rising. She tried to look in her backpack for a new pair of gloves while raking her mind trying to remember how she could have forgotten to wear them in the first place but her backpack was nowhere to be seen.  Suddenly the boy relaxed and his eyes were not shut tight anymore, he looked as if he was sleeping. “Josh! Josh!” her voice was weak.  The boy was gone.

 She threw herself to him as she noticed she was wearing a pair of black gloves and a white dress with a black line at the hem.  She looked around; they were no longer in the school grounds but at some big room with white floor, people around them dancing, talking and eating completely oblivious at the dead boy and his murderer. “No, no, no, no” she started to scream as she rocked herself along with the body she was embracing. “I´m sorry, Josh, I´m sorry”

“I´m sorry” Nichole heard herself say out loud and she woke up startled, her face was wet with tears. She immediately looked around, she was in her bedroom. Her breath was shallow. She disentangled herself from her covers and noticed the sun was about to rise, she quickly but carefully put on her bandage and then a pair of black gloves, then she finished changing with a pair of jeans , a t-shirt, a hoodie sweater and her sneakers. She jumped out of her window and ran first to the fountain near the pool and then to one of the boy´s dorm buildings, when she was about to go round to the back of it she saw a boy coming out of the front doors

“Nichole” the boy said surprised walking to her. She stepped back, he stepped ahead and she stepped back again “Are you ok?” he furrowed his brow. She blinked repeatedly. “Nic?” the boy called her name again not knowing what to do, she was staring at him with wide eyes, she looked frightened but he was sure she wasn´t scared of him. “Nic, are you ok?” he asked again as he took a couple steps closer to her, this time she didn´t stepped back, instead she lifted her left hand as if she was going to touch his face but she didn´t, slowly she moved her hand in front of his face and then started to retreat it, Josh motioned his hand to meet hers but she didn´t let him touch her.

She seemed hypnotized and her hand seemed to have some kind of magnetic field that didn´t let Josh´s hand to touch her only to get close. They moved their hands until their palms were almost touching, less than an inch of space between them, he tried to close the gap but she moved her hand back maintaining the same amount of space, so he stopped. He looked at her and saw her eyes fixed in him but it was not her normal gaze, there was a tinge of hopelessness in it. She didn´t seem scared anymore but she still seemed to be hypnotized, he moved his index finger and touched the tip of hers, then slowly he moved the next one and the next one, she met his two other fingers half way so their hands were touching only by the tip of their fingers, locking gazes with her, Josh slowly motioned his hand to completely touch hers and when he did she gasped and blinked as if she was coming out of her trance.

“This is funny” the boy chuckled. She felt like she breathed for the first time after being submerged in water.  “In my dream, child version of you reached out for me to touch her hand like this through the glass but I was too far to do it” the boy grinned and she tilted her head a little.

“Were you having that dream again?” the girl finally spoke. They still had their hands touching.

“No, I just woke up, insomnia –he said as a way of explaining-  You?”

“I want to see the sunrise” She said and started to retreat her hand. He smiled

“Where´s the best place to see it?” he asked. She started walking and he followed. They walked in silence.

“You´re giving the welcoming to the parents today” Nichole said. Josh nodded as he smiled.

“Skipping classes?” he asked as he brushed his hand against hers, eventually their fingers got loosely intertwined. They walked like that, not really holding hands but certainly in contact. She never answered but he didn´t need an answer. She didn´t spoke the whole time, not even when he left for classes after they watched the sunrise at the top of the art building. 

***

What´s going on with this?? this is the fussion of two posts, it was not supposed to be like this, Nic and Josh have just left me at a loss ¬¬ 

You

I embrace you with every one of my words

I kiss you with each letter in them

My soul is engraved in paper

Waiting to be welcome by  your wide opened arms

Waiting for a glance of your brilliant light

brightness that you hide under a thick layer of doubts,

under that misterious and sensuous stance of yours

under the magnetism and color that you exude

I miss you, you wait for me

You demand, I yield to you

You walk and I follow without hesitation

You mock me, I go mute

I uncover you, you cry

You talk, I´m yours

I open up to you, you become a stone

Sometimes, you mumble what I need to hear

and your whispers surpass any deafening cry that my torn soul might utter

equally easy you can shred my heart to nothing.

No matter what, it is you, intriguing ´till insanity

inhabitant of dreamland

with a gaze made out of broken mirrors

burning glaciers your hands

**

Spanish Original version

Unthinkable

More than what I thought,

A perfect vision to my soul...

Words that made the atmosphere change:

to crush me to the ground

or let me soar up, rising with the wind

A perfect vision 

that uncovers my soul

and brakes me down,

crumbles my determination

and throws me beyond my wildest dreams

Unthinkable.

****
Original version

Haiku

Angel´s hair falling from the sky

They crash on everything alive

 then shatter away

sprinkling all around

with light and color

**This is named Haiku because it´s my attempt at copying the poems of a book I read.
Original version

Double Life: Monster

She found herself sighing as she skimmed the book she had taken. She was in the library, they had a self-study time, a teacher hadn´t come. Her three weeks off had ended a few days ago, it was only a matter of time for her phone to ring, that annoying phone. She put the book away, it really didn´t seem that interesting, she took another and read the back cover, and it was a book about a psychiatrist and his patient and then wife. She opened the book. She hadn´t eaten lunch with Josh since that last time they shared the apple pie and she walked away from Michelle, no, her words had not hurt her, they were just her excuse to leave. I guess he finally got it, she thought of Josh, he kept sitting behind her during classes but he´d become friendlier with the other boys and girls in the class and he often eat with them now but she didn´t really know, since that day she hadn´t eaten in that table or any other table but in the gardens that were mostly a forest as you walked further.  Good for him, she thought as she turned the page.

Nichole was about to sit when she felt a vibration in her pocket, it was that dreaded call she knew would come sooner than later. She took it and pressed the answer button as she turned to the windows at the end of the hall formed by tall, long bookshelves. She listened to the voice on the phone, those dreadful words, as she listened, she wandered in the library, stopping to take a book and then put it back.  From the corner of her eye she saw a group table, Josh was among that group, she kept walking as the boy looked her direction, he didn´t see her.

Right after class Nichole hurried to her room, the same routine: change her clothes first, a black top, a black turtle neck sweater, black pants with belt because you never know when something like that can be handy, her boots with the hidden place to put the knife that had hurt her so many times during her childhood but that she carried everywhere, and finally her beanie under which her hair had been tied in a tight braid.

There was still sunlight, it was only four after all but once she crossed the space between her building and the garden that was practically a forest, it was mostly shadows; the trees took most of the sunlight. She walked swiftly towards the familiar spot on the thick stone wall. She climbed it and watched down the river and it´s clear water, she walked a couple of feet on the stone wall and finally jumped out the other side of the wall where a dirt road was covered by green weeds that were disturbed by a black car, ready to leave.

Inside the car there was a white large box, a shoebox and an envelope with the little memory card she knew so well. She read the message on it and sighed at the content of the large box. She was going to have to change clothes in the car; there was no time to go anywhere else. She started with the shoes; she removed her shoes and then the knife she carried inside her boot, she looked at the rear mirror but the driver was looking ahead, she took off the beanie and sweater, then she put on the dress, took off her pants and socks and right before she completely closed the zipper of her dress she pulled off her top.

 It was a strapless burgundy dress that she didn´t care to notice what fabric or style was. She hated dresses, nothing good had ever happened when she wore them. She let down her hair that now had soft waves after having been in a braid, she wore the gloves, they were of the same color as the dress, there was also some jewelry, Nichole  was almost sure that it was Natasha the one that picked all those fancy dresses and accessories.

Nichole was driven to a fancy party at a hotel she didn´t care to notice, she entered and scanned the room for her target. After a while she spotted him.

“Could you send a drink to that man?” she asked the bartender who glanced her with a raised eyebrow. She smiled.

“Aren´t you too young to be sending him drinks? The young and tall bartender asked.

“He´s handsome” she replied unabashed.

“That’s the only reason?”

“Should I have another?” Nichole eyes intently on him, he smiled.

“Why don´t I invite you to a drink?”

“I thought I was too young for that”

“Yes, I need to see your ID” he smiled showing his teeth. She raised her eyebrows but handed him her ID, she was about to be someone else.

“And what would you like, Katherine?” he asked

“Kate” she said “and… surprise me” she smiled again.

“You have a beautiful smile” he said as he prepared the drink.

“Nicky, what a beautiful smile you have” she remembered the voice in her nightmares. There was a big mirror at the end of a long platform. “Smile, baby” the woman had said. Nichole tried to smile brightly for the woman, she knew things went bad when she wasn´t happy. The fear took the best of her. The woman took her by the shoulders “You can do better Nicky” she said turning her around to face her and smashed her to the mirror which broke where her head crashed against it.

Warm and sticky red fluid came out of her, the girl wanted to cry or stab the woman. The woman turned her back to the mirror. The image of the woman was blurry now, she saw herself and the fear in her own eyes reflected on the mirror, she looked at the woman behind her with her hands still on her shoulders, her voice had been sweet but her eyes had that glint that meant trouble. Nichole breathed in and thought of her mother and smiled. “Excellent” the woman cheered, now look at me and do it again, Nichole turned around and did as she was told, one, two, three times until she lost count, until after many more days she didn´t even had to think of her mother.  It became just an empty smile, just the training of muscles as she´d trained her other muscles to do fast or strong movements; this was the same, the fake of a beautiful and happy smile.

“Yours is not bad” Nichole said shoving her memories away as  she gave him another of her practiced smiles, one that involved her eye, one that made him think she was interested. She took the glass and started to walk away. She knew how she looked when she walked, that too had been carefully and painfully learned from the same woman that had taught her how to be a monster.

“Ok, Nicky, you have to look beautiful” That time instead of her boot and knife she had have to wear high heels and a dress, ‘Idon´t want Nicky getting hurt that´s why this are not so high’ the voice had said. She’d have to walk and smile at the end of the same platform, just like models do. The mirror had already been changed. “Look how I do it” the woman said and walked and then smiled, it was beautiful. “See? It´s not that hard, now you” the woman prompted Nichole to imitate her, she felt stiff as she walked, her knees bent a little to maintain balance. “Look how I do it” said the woman and walked back and forward twice.

The woman walked as if she was some kind of feline but at the same time as if she was floating, so confident not looking at the ground. “That´s the way you have to walk, Nicky”. Now years later, she knew that was the way she walked. She´d been slapped so much for not doing it properly until the woman lost her patience, as she always did, and made her walk on the edge of a wall, she´d fallen but the guards had caught her, still the woman made sure to give her some punishment, she´d had to walk around the whole property wall, she never made it, she had fallen again.

Nichole woke up on her bed with Natasha hovering and a needle stuck in her arm. “You got dehydrated” she´d said. Nichole feet felt heavy and in fire, she knew they were really blistered, she also knew that meant she was going to get some rest, because “Nicky had to look beautiful” the monster had said, she was always careful to not let any scar where it was visible.

Nichole was walking towards the farthest table, once again shoving her memories, angry that they not only haunted her in her sleep in the form of nightmares but also every time she had to be the monster, like she was doing now.

“Would you like any other drink, Kate?” the bartender asked next to her, she stopped and smiled.

“Aren´t you supposed to be over there working?” she motioned to the bar

“I´m working here” he showed her a tray with glasses

“Oh, in that case, take this” she put the glass with the drink he´d given her.

“You didn´t drink it”

“I didn´t like it” she said “You´d better improve for next time” she touched the button of his vest with her index finger and then she looked around.

“Are you looking for someone?”

“Yes, the man that you didn´t let me to send a drink”

“Come, I´ll made you another drink” he took her by the wrist

“Why should I listen to you? You already failed” she whispered at his ear

“If you don´t like it this time, I´ll send the drink”

She smiled and let herself be lead back to the bar.

“That´s a beautiful bracelet you have” the man glanced at the shiny diamonds

“I think it´d look better without the gloves” she answered

“Why did you wear them, then” he put a glass in front of her

“My sister insisted that it looked good” She took a sip of the glass locking gazes with the man.

“Then take them off!”

“Are you sure?” she smirked and raised an eyebrow.  “This one´s far better” she said lifting the glass. She had lied, it was bitter, she´d never get why people like alcohol so much.

“Yes” he said unbuckling the bracelet. She smiled again as she took off only her right glove

“What do you think?” she smiled as she observed her own hand

“Beautiful” he took her hand in both of his. He started to feel hot, his heart was pounding faster. Was the girl really that beautiful? After half a minute he put one of his hands on his chest.

“Are you ok?” she asked furrowing her eyebrows but she already knew he was not ok. He couldn´t answer, he let go of her hand and fell to the ground. “Help!” she said grabbing her glove and bracelet. “Help!” she said again as people started to gather but she knew no one could help him, she started to walk back as the people kept gathering around the bar, she wore the glove and the bracelet again and walked away towards the exit. Outside it was cold, it was dark already, she wondered why she´d been sent to kill a man who seemed nice enough and of no importance. As she had been doing the whole day, she shoved those thoughts away when she felt tears on her eyes.

Once in her bedroom, she sat on her bed, the lights still off, she wanted to scream, to punch something, maybe even to smash someone´s head against a mirror as her own head had been smashed, unconsciously she  touched the scars that were covered by her long hair.

“I´m becoming the monster” she thought and walked to the bathroom, she threw the gloves and the bandage as well as the black sweater, she´d changed back in the car, the dress, the jewelry, the shoes and the gloves were gone with the driver, she washed her hands, then she washed them again and one more time, she looked at her reflection in the mirror, for a second she saw the eyes of the woman that had taught her to be a monster, the same stare, the same hairdo and of course the same fake, trained smile. Nichole quickly looked away. She washed her hands again and then not facing the mirror she took off the rest of her clothes, throwing them on the floor, she turned on the shower and stood under the cold water perfectly still for a long time. 

Leave

Don´t worry, beloved one,
I´ll get over it, as I´ve done with everything else.
I promise I´ll forget about you,
no matter how many tears it costs.

Be certain that I will hear you in every song,
and a ghost of you will be drawn by every note.
Flashes of memories and feelings will torment me
but I´ll pour oblivion to them and little by little they'll be erased.

Eventually, the truth will be undisclosed, I promise
but by then, dust will be the only remain, you´ll see,
the sound of words will be lost and
this day, this time, this inside me will never come back,
not even for you.

No, love, this is not a tragedy,
this is life.
When did you learn to copy words from me?
yours have always been the most beautiful ones.
Do not let me consume you,
I'm fighting hard to not let you do the same to me.

*****
This song made me want to write this: Flames even though the topic is the totall opposite of what I wrote. The song seems to be a promise to stay, my poem seems to be a promise of leaving

Double Life: for your own good

“You don´t mind …” Josh started, he´d taken a while to get to their usual lunch table, he´d been walking rather slowly for the last few days. Nichole looked up, she´d already started eating. “you don´t mind if I sit with Aaron today?” he rephrased his question. She shook her head pulling back her place of fries that she´d put in the middle of the table, she´d do that every time she got fries since last time she shared them with him.

“Are…”

“You´ll drop your tray” she pointed the tray in Josh´s hands.  “Later” she took a book out of her bag and started reading and eating at once. After a moment he started to walk away.

“Where are you going?” a voice similar to his asked

“To your table?”

“I´m sitting there” Aaron pointed the table where Nichole was siting and then he walked there. Josh followed him.

“Hey, Nichole”

“Aaron” She said not lowering her book from in front her face.

“What are you reading?” he asked, both boys took a seat, Josh in his usual spot, next to Nic, Aaron next to his twin, two empty seats between  him and Nic in the round table. Instead of answering him she moved her book to him so that he could read the cover of it.

“Is it interesting?” Aaron asked again

“If you´re into psychology” she said, finally lowering her book to push the fries between her and Josh who smiled meekly.

“Ah” was all the boy´s answer. She went back to read her book. He started to wave to someone.

“Is it ok for us to join you?” A female voice asked.

“Why else would I´ve called you?” Aaron´s voice answered.

“Josh?” A boy asked and both the girl and him looked at Nichole.

“Hello Lex, hello Chris” Nichole said with a pleasant voice but still glued to her book, Josh smiled as he took a few fries. The other two sat.

“We need ketchup”  Josh said taking more fries

“Forgot to take it” Nic ate a steamed carrot.

“Here, I got some” Lex gave a couple of ketchup packets.

There had been some kind of awkward conversation at the beginning, a few words and nervous smiles, neither Chris or Lex had ever sat at Nichole´s table but soon they were confortable despite the fact that Nichole was very focused on her book, maybe that was what made them feel at ease. With time the conversation and jokes had flown smoothly. Nichole had tuned them out, not really listening to the words only to the sound of their voices and laughter; she wondered why all of the sudden they´d want to sit there but of course, she´d seen Aaron´s hand waving. I hope he´s not trying to get me friends, she thought.  She kept reading but with the corner of her eye she was watching Josh's hand taking the fries, she had to watch that their hands didn’t touch. Nichole was glad that she´d taken out her book, it saved her from having  to interact with the rest, not that she didn´t like them but it was for their own good not to get too close to her, she changed the page of her book. 

“Aw Josh, you should be on our section!” she heard Lex said with her characteristic friendly tone, Nichole secretly agreed with that idea and wondered in the back of her mind if Josh agreed too, maybe what information he knew of her had finally sank in and he wanted to finally get away from her, it had been a few days since she noticed he taking a while to sit, shifting uncomfortably trying looking at other tables. That´s a good thing, she thought, less dangerous for him and she made a resolution of leaving early the next day so that he didn´t feel obligated to keep sitting with her at lunch. She passed the page again.

“Hey, this Friday is Family Day, is your family coming boys?” Lex asked, she was obviously waiting for that day.

“What´s that?” Aaron asked and Josh faintly remembered reading about it in the agenda they had given them when they got in the school.

“It´s a day in which your parents are supposed to come and stay with you for a couple of classes and some activities in the afternoon” Chris was obviously not happy with the idea.

“Are your parents not coming this year, Chris?” Lex asked with a tinge of sympathy in her voice. Josh moved his plate with a piece of apple pie in between Nic and he right before his twin took a piece of it. Nick grabbed the extra fork Josh put on her tray and cut a piece of it. Everybody saw the exchange with curious eyes.

“I don’t know who will be coming, you know, if mother comes, father won’t or maybe I´ll end up with two mothers and two fathers” he sighed “both mother and father´s spouses might end up coming” he explained for the twins who didn´t know about his family.

“I´m sorry” Lex said.

“No you´re not, you love Family Day, you lucky bitch” he said playfully. She laughed

“Not my fault that mom and dad love each other” she poked her tongue to him.

“What about you? –Chris asked the twins- lucky bastards or abandoned rich kids?”

“You’re so bitter about it, Chris!” Lex punched his shoulder.

“You´d be bitter too if you had to take two seats for your ‘mother’ –he made air quotation marks- at the tea party and rake your brain to see with whom you are going to team up in the games”

“Too bad you´re brother´s out of school…”

“yeah, lucky bastard” he said with humor

“What are we talking about?” a new female voice asked. Nichole glanced at the new addition of the table as she took some more apple pie. She saw Michelle´s back, the girl was on Aaron´s lap, her left arm around his neck, her excuse, there were no more seats.

“Family Day” Aaron supplied

“Oh! Is your family coming?” she said a little too chirpy.

“I don´t know, do you think they´ll come Josh?” Aaron asked his twin, Michelle turned her body in the other direction, still on Aaron´s lap.

“Yeah… well maybe” he furrowed his eyebrows, there was no way of being sure, they were mad at them but they wouldn´t like to cause a bad impression either, specially their mother but their father was always busy “I think it´s more likely for mom to come”

“Mom wouldn´t come without dad, Josh” Aaron said and Josh shrugged

“But if dad is out, she might”

“I guess”

“What about you, Nichole?” Michelle asked with a snide voice.  Aaron looked at Nichole, the rest looked at Michelle and then to Nichole and back to Michelle. Nic lowered her book and didn´t respond, she only lowered her gaze.  “Oops I’ve forgotten that your family never comes! Hence your lack of social skills!” she smiled brightly as if she´d paid a compliment.

“Michelle!” Lex said in a disapproving tone. Chris’ eyes were wide while Aaron´s were confused.  Nichole got up, grabbed her bag and book and swiftly walked away to the trees. For a moment everybody was silent looking between Michelle and the empty seat.

“Take care of my things” Josh commanded his twin and walked in the direction that Nichole had followed.

“Why would you do that?” he heard Lex said.

A wide distance separated them, Nichole was walking on the path, he started to walk faster to catch up to her but then she turned to the left next to an ancient wide tree, when he got there, she was nowhere to be seen, he walked a few feet ahead and then sat with his back resting on an oak tree.  He sighed.

“Where is Nic?” he wondered out loud fifteen minutes later as he checked the time on his watch, lunch was over now.

“She wants you to go to classes” he heard the girl´s voice above him. He felt a smile tugging at his lips. “Don´t look up, don’t forget she´s wearing a skirt” the girl said before he could look up then she chuckled.

“Has she been up there this whole time?” Josh asked.

“She has” Nichole answered still talking as if it she wasn´t talking about her.

“I´m sorry for what Michelle said”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“It´s obvious she wanted to hurt you”

“Go back to class, you´ll be late” she said. He didn´t make a move.

“I´m already late” he glanced at his watch.

“So, it´s better not to go at all?” she chuckled “someone told me that once” she said.

“Who could´ve been?”  He shook his head

“A boy with a mole close to his eye, little original, if I may say…”

“What?” he looked up

“Told you not to look up!” she scolded but her legs were to the other side, there was no way he could see anything.

“Sorry” he looked to the ground. She laughed.

“Anyways, did you know he has a copy?”

“Eh?”

“Yeah, he´s not the only one who look like that”

“Oh” he laughed. They remained silent for a moment.

“You should go to class”

“Why are you always pushing me away?” a tinge of irritation in his voice.

“Why would you want to be around me?”  Her voice barely above a whisper

“I like you” he said “I mean…I mean …”

“It´s ok, you´re nice too” She interrupted him “but too nice for your own good”

“You just don´t see you are good too”

If you really knew me, she wanted to say but instead she just remained silent.

“Promise me you are going to the next class” she said. He sighed heavily “Will you tell me?”

“What?” Josh asked.

“I don´t mind you sitting in other tables, you don´t have to ask at all, you don´t have to sit with me at all” she said not explaining the question she´d made.

“Of course you don’t mind at all” his tone hard, maybe even hurt. He got up and walked over his steps. She watched him leave.

*****

Yay me! two updates in two days! pretty cool! lol

Double Life: Between us

The ride back was made in the same groups, Lex and the three boys since the other group decided to have dinner there but Chris´ driver was already there. Josh was glad to have met Lex and Chris, they were friendly. At the school they went to their rooms, the twins went to the cafeteria for dinner.

“I´ve been wondering…” Josh started

“What?” Aaron made a face of ‘here it comes’

“What made you change your mind about Nic? You used to hate her”

“You can never hate a hottie” his expression smug

“right, you didn´t think so before”

“I did I was just more busy taking care of my broken nose, I doubt you´d be nice and happy around the girl that has broken your nose”

“ok, I´ll say you´re right but then, how did you go from being mad to defend her from rumors?”

“Worried, Josh?” he raised his eyebrow. Josh scoffed.

“I´m not thinking in ´dating the hottie´ you know” Josh saw a quick succession of images, both about a hand in silk black gloves, one where the fingers of that hand were over his and then his hand being brushed by that same gloved hand. Why am I thinking this, he thought furrowing his eyebrows.

“It´s just as you said, Josh, that´s ridiculous” his twin answered after his silence, misinterpreting it.

“Is it embarrassing?” Josh smirked

“What?” Aaron answered too quickly

“You tell me, what happened?”

“Ok, but let´s get to my room” Aaron sighed. The boys took their dinners to the dorms.

***

“We´re here now, tell me what made you change your mind?”  Josh took a bite of his sandwich

“Fine” Aaron sighed heavily “like a week before our birthday, the swimming class was changed to late in the afternoon, from four to five thirty or something… at the end of it the coach wanted to talk to me…”

“What did he want?”

“Will you let me tell the story?  -Aaron waited a moment to continue- and after that, I went back to the changing rooms and…”

“You didn´t tell what the coach wanted”

“He wanted me to join the school swimming team instead of just taking the class” Aaron said annoyed by the interruption

“Did you join?”

“Nah, I´d have to practice all the time, I prefer to be in the class only”

“You´re so lazy, Aaron, you got what it takes” Josh lightly smacked his twin´s head

“Yes, mom”

“Whatever, what happened then?”

“My cloth was gone and you know how they make us wear this embarrassing swimsuit, I was not going to walk all the way to my room in that!”

Josh laughed “Couldn´t you just take a towel or something?”

“Ah, Josh, I´m so dumb! How didn´t I think of that –he glared at his twin- of course I looked for a towel but there were none! I sat waiting for the coach to decide to return and then I heard the doors being locked, I ran there but no one heard me”

“What did you do?”

“I tried to climb out the window, I figured no body was around anymore but it was too high and I just ended up with scraped knees and hands”

“Who took your stuff?”

“I don´t know –Aaron shrugged- I guess the others in the class”

“You didn´t find out?” Josh was surprised at how little his twin seemed to care about it. It was so strange in him not to be angry at whoever pranked him.

“Not really”

“How did you come out?”

“I think it was around nine when I heard the front door being unlocked, I ran there and guess who I saw?”

“Who?”

“Guess”

“Just tell me”

“Nose-breaker Nichole!”

“What?!” in all honesty Josh wasn´t that surprised, he already knew she liked to swim but somehow he was hopping it wasn’t her.

“Yeah, I was that surprised. She locked the doors behind her and asked me what I was doing there, as if it was the most natural thing for her to brake in just like that. She laughed when I told her the reason for me being there, it was so embarrassing, but I made my best to not show it to her” Aaron looked away remembering the feeling he had felt that night.

“What was she doing there?” Josh asked after a few minutes of silence, even though he already knew the answer.

“She said she liked the pool and then she told me she was sure my things were on the storage room which she opened –did you know she has a key?! I´m telling you, that girl knows how to do her tricks –he said excited- anyways, I took my things and she told me to close the doors.

“She stayed?”

“Yeah, she went to the changing room and came out… wow! There I was convinced she was hot. –Josh had both his eyebrows raised, Aaron drank his juice enjoying his twin´s expression- what are you still doing here she said when she saw me there… but we ended up swimming”

“What?! She let you swim with her?” Josh´s eyes were wide with surprise, Aaron smirked.

“I sort of asked if she didn´t mind. I don´t own the pool she said so I got in” he admitted.

“Ah” was all that Josh managed to say.

“But, I don´t know… she has anger issues or something, she told me to stay in the opposite side of the pool and she said that if I dared to get near her she´d break my nose again as well as my arm”

“Wow”

“I mean, it´s not like I was scared but who knows it seems that she knows how to go all martial arts  on people…”

“Yeah…”

“She can swim, though, she´s so fast even with that bandage on her hand”

“She swam with that?”

“Yeah, it was weird, what does she have, do you know?”

“No, not really”

“Thought you knew… But that´s not all…” Aaron started to laugh

“What?”

“When we were about to leave, she went back to the changing rooms telling me she´d forgotten her sweater, I waited, the next day my swimming suit was super-glued to my locker. I was mad and started yelling, the coach came and long story short my classmates ended up having to clean the pool as punishment”

“Do…Do you think she glued your…”

“I´m almost sure… apparently no one can get in the pool except the people in the class right when the coach enters and that day I had been the last”

“So lucky for you to enter last”

“That day I had invited Nicky, I mean, Nic, to our party, remember, she ran and I followed her, which made me be late”

“Wow, you better be on her good side then” Josh was surprised at Nic´s actions

“Yeah… she´s not that bad when you meet her… after all, though I don´t really have proof, I know she helped me get back to those losers” Aaron said grinning, Josh shook his head.

“You should´ve seen her in that bathing suit!” Aaron said. Josh raised both his eyebrows. “She´s got the body of a gymnast; she´s gotta be good at sports, right?”

“She hardly ever participates during P.E, she sits back and when it´s running she´s quite slow”

“Really?”

“Yeah”

“That´s weird then… “

“She´s a bit strange” Josh added more to himself than to his twin.

“ Yeah, guess what she did then?-this time he didn´t wait for Josh to ask- … she gave me half of her sandwich” Aaron smiled

“Just like that? She offered it to you?” Josh was surprised he´d have to pretty much force himself for her to let him have a lunch with him and Aaron…

“No, I took a look at my watch –Aaron interrupted his twin´s train of thought- and complained that my classmates were going to pay for this since they let me there and now I was not going to get dinner, she looked at me, took a sandwich out of her bag and gave me half”

“I see”

 “Have you… swum together again?” Josh broke the silence as he wondered why he asked that.

Aaron laughed. “Guess”

“Nah, I don´t think you have…”

“Ok, if you say so” Aaron smirked.

Finding pessimism in optimism??

About two weeks ago I got my copy of the book "Just Don´t Fall" by Josh Sundquist. I was so happy about it, I said so everywhere the day I got it. It´s only available in the United States and of course in on-line stores but it was completely unavailable for me so, when this family friend sent it to me I was grateful and happy.

I didn´t want to start reading it right away because I knew I´d want to read it complete at once and I wanted to really enjoy it. I already knew the ending, but everybody knows the ending but the great part is how Josh, the author, got to that point. 

The book is about him, the author. He is a motivational speaker that got to be a paralympic ski racer that survived cancer -and he says all that in his videos- he´s often motivated me to keep going even though I´m a pessimist and don´t like much the self-motivation/motivational type of things but the things he says are not like what the rest say, instead of giving steps to do or to be, he lets you know that there are bad things and that it´s ok not to be ok (ok, yes, that´s a song line but I really like it) and that your attitude is what makes the difference but it´s not the "think 'this' will happen and you´ll attract it" type of speech but the type that invites you to give 100% of your effort in order to overcome the difficulties you have. 

As I read his book, I was relieved to find out that even a happy and optimistic person such as him had hard times coping with his own difficulties, not that I´m glad that he had to go through that but because I felt somehow that there was something wrong with me because I was not happy enough with what I had whereas he, despite everything that life threw at him, seemed to appreciate what he has, his life so much that he makes a living out of spreading the 'good vibes' and makes me think that I might, one day, be where he is, looking at the bright side, the half full glass of life.

"Just Don't fall" really left a positive message for me, but me being me, at some lines I´d grab my pen and underline the parts where I somehow felt related... and I´m a pessimist, so was that me finding pessimism in optimism?

Here´s some of what I underlined (I hope I´m not violating any author rights, ´that´s so not my intention)

-- "I don´t want anyone to see me like this. I want to stay in my room for the whole year..."

--"Why would You do this, God? How could you do this? After I tried to be so happy for so long even thought I had one leg, and I always said such nice things about You to other people? I always told them You were great, and You had a plan, so they should trust You. And now--this?" 

--"I hate my life. I hate being inspirational. I hate being mature for my age. I hate all that shit" 

--"Because my mind has floated back into that gray expanse of space, about how I sit inclass and, whileeveryone else seemscontent to be a student and learn things, I worry about the craziest things, like whether I am dying  and wheterh I am living -you know, like, really living- life to the carpe-diem fullest, until my chest gets tight.."

Every time I was underlining those I felt like crying. I put the book aside and lay down for a few minutes while I breathed slowly, in and out, in and out until the tears went away.

Last Tuesday I returned to my job from the two-weeks off I had, I woke up before five in the morning, I remembered the book, I remembered some prayer that the author of this book did "God, if You want me to do something else I beg you to give me the desire..." and I found myself praying again after a very, very long time, not that I´ve ever stopped believing in God but I just couldn´t pray anymore. I´ve done it and I think the book has to do with it, I´ve also found myself thinking that if I give all my effort, it´ll be ok, even if I don´t come out as number one; and feeling like it´s ok to try because "I´m enough". I won´t lie and say that it´s been all optimism, I´m the same 24/7 pessimist that I´ve been for so long but there´s days in which it isn´t so heavy over my shoulders. I´m very grateful to that friend that allowed me to read the book and to Josh who wrote the book and even to God for making the author so very inspirational.

Distracted

Damn!

I close my eyes

and a collage

of your pretty face

is what I see.

The only one.

You.

Muse

Bright and michevous eyes looked at me.
I was made captive by my own will.
A smirk at your lips pierced my dazed heart.

I remember...

Just the memory of the sound of your voice is responsible for countless stained sheets
with doodles of  dreams and fantasies.

I close my eyes...

I feel your soft long fingers playing with my hair as,
unaware, you shake thoughts and worlds out of my head.

I come back...

I hated you so much,
never failing to interrupt my sleep in the middle of the night
despite that
I wept when you threatened to walk away.

And then...

You were pushed away but you fought to stay
You keept the blindfold over my eyes...
waiting,
carving yourself slowly in my skin
while time was melting away quietly.
Gently, you tugged at the knot that held the darkness in place,
hinting for me to take it off
invinting me to see you in your shiny, white, polished esplendour.

My hands obeyed before my head could disapprove.
The blindfold fell,
I saw you in awe.
You smiled and took off
You left me only with a withered yellow flower inside the old book we shared.

I wonder....

Are you gone to inspire some other after me?
Are you gone to make some other go blind and deaf to everything but you?
Will you ever come back?

I fight...

Your colors is all that i see now,
Your music is all I hear now.
I keep breathing you...
even your absense and the hole you left in my chest bleed poetry
because you, oh so cruel,
are words of all that I didin´t know before you.
The verses are flying away without a case to keep them
showing merciless that  now you are gone
without you here everything´s  gray, air and space.

*****
The pix is mine, that is a very very old flower, it has like four years old, almost like this poem, the book, however, is new, it has just a few days, again, almost like this poem. I want to start using my own pix for my writings, we´ll see how that goes -or not...

Double Life: Chatting

The next day Josh saw Nichole at the cafeteria breakfast line. It was early for a Saturday therefore it was more or less empty. He walked towards her.

“Hey!”

“Josh” she nodded and advanced in the line. There were three students behind her. Josh hesitated little and started to walk to the end of the line.

“Josh!” she pointed to the spot in front of her, he grinned and got in the line “Don´t get used to special treatment” she teased and he chuckled.

“Did you change your mind?” he asked while paying for his cereal, milk and toasts

“About?”

“Going to town”

“Ah, nope, no interest in that” she paid as well.

They took a table inside the cafeteria, it wasn´t crowded as in the weekdays or late in the morning during the weekends. They ate in confortable silence.

“I had a dream about you” Josh commented when they were almost done. She raised both her eyebrows “well, sort of…”

“Ok”

“I think it was…” he trailed off

“It was a nightmare” she stated with a half-smile

“Eh, no…no…” he rushed to say “it´s not how you think”

“And how do I think?”

He exhaled; he felt that he was always like that around her, tripping with his own words. He told her his dream.

“I guess it makes sense” she said once he finished and knitted his brow

“It does?”

“Yeah, you were asking me about my dislike for that particular nickname…  and I don´t know I guess that´s why you dreamed about it but who knows how that mind of yours work!” she shrugged.

“I guess…”

“Well, I´m going now, bye Josh”

“Hey, if you change your mind we´ll be going for lunch and then movies”

She smiled “Have fun!”

He smiled back as she left.  He watched her go, still unaccustomed to her particular way of walking. She could be a model he thought and laughed at his own silly thoughts.

The group of boys got to town very quickly, one of the boy´s parents had sent a driver to take them and then to pick them up. Two of the boys were in Josh´s class and one of them was in Aaron´s class, they had been the ones that Aaron had met the first day they got to Burgeoys School. Josh thought they were ok.

They went to a pizza place and then they went to the movies, all their classmates seemed to be there.

“I thought it was not going to be this crowded” Brighton, the one that got a broken nose from Nic, complained.

“Seems like everybody thought that” Jose, to whom they all called Joe, replied

“Just shut up and get in line” Christian a guy that had been in Burgeoys school as long as Nic said. He seemed to be the leader of the former three; he was also the one that had given them the ride to the town.

After a while in line, halfway to the tickets booth someone called the twins names.

“Aaron, Josh!” a group of girls waved at them. The line had gotten very long.

“Michelle!” Aaron smiled, so did Josh and the rest of the boys.

“Girls, do you remember Aaron and his twin Josh” Michelle motioned to each of them. “Josh, Aaron –she said- this is Lex, Mia and Ale” the girls waved as their names got called.

“Come on! Michelle, only Mia didn´t know these guys, after all only you and her got changed to other sections” said Lex rolling her eyes.

“We didn´t know Josh in person, Lex” Mia disagreed and Josh recognized her for the time in which she and Michelle had been giggling in front of him while he tried to study in the library.

“He´s Aaron´s twin” Michelle offered

“Obviously” Lex rolled her eyes again and the whole group laughed.

Once inside the theater the girls sat in between the boys and Michelle made sure to sit between the twins. Lex was at Josh´s other side and Aaron was at the end of the seats. They were watching some scary movie. Josh was glad that Lex was at his side since every time a scary scene appeared Michelle would grab his hand or his twin´s and then apologize for it whereas Lex laughed at it pointing out how ridiculous it was, she made it funny and she was not as loud as Michelle. Josh thought that this girl Lex could be good friends with Nichole.

After the movie, the group split, Michelle tried to convince the twins to go window shopping but they declined so, Michelle, Mia and Ale took Brighton and Joe with them. Josh Aaron, Christian and Lex went for ice-cream

“I owe you one, boys!” Lex said as they sat to eat their ice-creams “I hate window-shopping”

“And with Michelle, it´s worst” Christian added wrinkling his nose.

“Ah, ever gone with her, Chris?” Lex asked

“Unfortunately, yes. Never repeating that self-imposed punishment though” he said and Lex nodded chuckling.

“Was she on your section?” Josh inquired

“Yeah, Michelle and Mia were with us and Brighton and Joe were where they are now”

“Why were they transferred there?” Aaron asked

“Michelle´s a jerk sometimes –Lex said- Don´t look surprised Josh! I bet you´ve seen her…” Josh nodded and both Chris and Lex laughed. “She had taken the task to annoy Leah”

“Leah was just a girl that was hottest and smartest than Michelle or that´s what was said” Chris explained.

“She´s like the evil witch in snow-white” Lex chuckled at her own words and so did Chris

“That sounds stupid, to hate someone ´cause they´re prettier or smarter” Josh commented now knowing why she seemed to hate Nichole.

“Girls are crazy” Aaron said

“Hey! Watch it!” Lex threw him a scrunched napkin

“See? That proves my point” he said and they all laughed.

“So, Josh, I´ve heard you´re dating Nichole” Lex stated. She´s very straightforward, Josh thought. Everybody was looking at him.

“We´re friends” He could guess where Lex had heard that.

“Wha! I thought you were with her!” Chris said surprised

“Why?” both twins asked at the same time. Lex and Chris looked at each other.

“It´s the first time see her talking to someone” Lex said

“Maybe you haven´t seen her” Josh stated as nonchalant as he could.

“I mean, obviously, she talks, we greet each other when we pass in the hallways of the dorm in the morning but not like friends, you know, having lunch and all, right?” Lex looked at Chris

“Yeah, I only saw her with a friend once, her roommate, I don´t remember her name though, that was my first year in Burgeoys but after that, not any more…”

“Until you” Lex finished

“Maybe no one talks to her” Aaron said and Josh was surprised he was defending her.

“Thought that you hated her” Chris raised both his eyebrows

“She´s not that bad” Aaron said somehow reluctant. Josh noticed something in him that he hadn´t noticed before. He made a mental note to ask about that.

“We wouldn´t really know, she´s very private” Lex continued

“Psssshhh people´s just scared, Lex” Chris said.

“I guess” she shrugged

“Come on! Why would anybody should be afraid of her?” Aaron started, Josh nodded and the other two looked at each other “not those rumors again!” he seemed annoyed

“Yeah, I think that´s kinda silly too” Lex agreed after a while. Josh nodded and liked her a little more.

“I don´t know but I think it´s really   creepy   that her roommate died just like that, next to her bed” Chris provided

“Sure, but she was little besides, there´s even a rumor of the ghost of the girl there” Lex rolled her eyes

“Really?” Josh was curious of this

“Yeah, supposedly that´s why she doesn´t have a roommate” the girl explained

“Didn’t they say that was because of her family paid for that?” Aaron asked knitting his eyebrows. Lex shrugged.

“She´s got it bad, it must  suck having people telling stories like that” Josh commented wanting to say   something to dissipate the rumors. “No wonder you´ve never seen her with friends”

“Yeah, I mean, all of you have been her forever whereas Josh and I have just come and since we don´t know it´s obvious it´d be easy for us to be friends with her”

“And why you didn´t bring her?” Lex asked

“Josh couldn´t convince her” Aaron said quickly. Josh huffed.

“She ignores you, doesn´t she, Aaron?” Chris asked amused

“No, but Josh is in her class, you know”

“Right, right”

“I´ve never seen her in this things, though” said Lex

“Hey Lex, how did you become friends with Michelle?” Josh asked. She didn´t seem at all lie Michelle and he wondered how they wounded up being friends

“Well, she´s my cousin” she grinned as the twins widened their eyes

“I know, I know we don´t look alike at all”

“Yeah, I would’ve never guessed that one” Aaron said

“The things is that we´re very different but I don´t know that´s the way it is, family is family or something like that”

“It was hard for me to believe it too” Chris commented

“Ah, she´s not that bad” Lex defended her “ok, ok, she can be that bad –she said when the boys looked away- but her dragon-self only gets crazy when she feels threatened”

“She wasn´t so nice to you for a year, remember?” Chris said, Lex rolled her eyes, the twins looked at her

“That´s just ´cause she liked Andrew and he happened to like me, she got nice again when I told him I was not interested … and I wasn´t”

“Sounds extreme” Josh said

“It´s her mom” Lex justified her and Chris did too in time with her. Lex glared at him

“You always said that, Lex”

“It´s true, her mom gives her everything she wants but her attention and she has to fight for her mom´s attention and now she doesn´t know how else to be”

“Agghhr come on, Lex! We´re all her ‘cause our parents don’t want us close or are too busy to pay us any attention” Chris countered.

“I´m sorry Chris but I have a happy family that pays attention to me, thank you very much” she said smug

“Ok, ok, happy kid” All of them laughed

“What about you, guys?” Lex asked the twins “happy family   or no attention?”

“No, Lex, if they´ve just come this year this two must be trouble” Chris said and Lex raised of her eyebrows to the twins

“Ever seen us get in trouble?” Both twins smirked mischievously

“Oooohhh –the other two said- so you must be good”

“We´re good, never in trouble” Josh added and they kept the smirk

“Nice” Lex said and proceeded to tell about their pranks. Both twins were glad that they didn´t really had to talk about their reasons for being there.

The ride back was made in the same groups, Lex and the three boys since the other group decided to have dinner there but Chris´ driver was already there. Josh was glad to have met Lex and Chris, they were friendly. At the school they went to their rooms, the twins went to the cafeteria for dinner

****

I didn´t find a suitable picture for this one.. =/