una màs

Mientras reviso y edito las entradas que he hecho las leo y recuerdo vividamente los momentos a los que cada una de ellas se refieren... ideas, recuerdos, tristezas, dolor, palabras, imagenes...como mill pixeles pintando mi vida....

Como camaleon, asì mismo, un color y luego otro para fundirme con el contexto, un buen mecanismo de defensa... de què color son los camaleones? de què color soy yo? transparente acaso? nunca falsa eso si, porque aunque cambie de color para actuar a la altura de la situaciòn, la esencia es siempre la misma, el frio tambien....

Hay una marca que llevo en mi, está, tambien, mimetizada como camaleon... es suave y densa y pesa como plomo, igualmente contamina, yo misma la he tatuado a mi piel, yo sabia que me inflingia daño...era como tocar mercurio brillante, plateado, frio y horriblemente atrayante. La sensaciòn fria de ese mercurio le daba calma a mis heridas mientras se colaban pequeñas gotas a mi sangre, mientras de a poco me envenenaba y ahora està adentro y por màs que trato de colectarlo y regresarlo al frasco en el que estaba encerrado, se escapa huyendo entre mis dedos...
y aun asi cuando ese brillante color plateado pasa frente a mis ojos no me queda otro remedio que sonreir.

Esos son los colores de este camaleon, sonreir sin sentirlo, mostrar calma en la desesperaciòn, pasion en el olvido y fervor en el destierro.

ambush

Through the heart
It was painful
It was shocking
I didn't see it coming.
Floating inside of me
I felt it first go down
I felt it drop like a weight.
It then shot up
Straight to my thoughts
I couldn't escape
Thinking, Worrying, Crying
The pain was emince
Unique, Surprising, Dreadful
Lonliness
It hit me
Straight through the heart.
 - "No Title"

** My dear friend Saku made this little poem. When I read it, I just loved it, so now I want to have it here because I can totally relate to every word in it. To me it feels like an accurate portrait -in words- of me just a little while ago.
*** Of course I have Saku`s permission to post this here. Saku, I hope u dont mind me putting a tittle to it ^^

end of the year

*sigh* I remember when I was a child I used to wait the whole year to "el veinticuatro" (christmas eve) it would give me so much happiness that day and then, there´s the week before the end of the year, I couldnt wait, after xmas for new year. Then I learned father had a hard time the last day of the year, his father had died that day. He would go to bed very early and he would sulk the whole day/night, still I had xmas and mom and brother to have fun.

I dont wait for those days anymore... yet they seem to come so fast. I still love xmas though, the getting ready, the cooking together, the table as fancy as ever, the nice clothings and the best dishes... and it´s just everything, it´s so nice, that night has something like magic, probably it´s all in my mind...

I dont want to get to the end of the year...it´s ruined for me, it´s just a memory now; just like father, I also have something very important who died that day. It´s not someone, it´s an idea, it´s  hope the thing that died that day, it doesnt mean it´s less painful though... I wonder if now I´m the one  sulking that day...

When a year passed, I though everything was going to get better... I was wrong, it didnt, and then, that little faith on me that hadnt died, died...

vanished

**two little poems -or wannabe poems- that have to do w/the same idea

There was a dove flying in the sky
a sound...
straight to the floor she fell,
her chest bleeding,
the concrete broke her wings.
A gunshot.

There was a flower dancing to the wind melody
warmth....
quickly consumed
withered and burned
the heat destroyed her fragrance.
A fire.

a light sphere

about five or six years ago, me and my family moved to the house next door of my house because the housed I lived in was being build instead of the one I was living in. The new house wasnt really a house it was more like a hut or a cabin. This hut/cabin belongs to my grandma, it was build after the 86`s earthquake as a shelter for her family that had been left homeless because of the natural disaster. There were rumors that the cabin was haunted. I didnt believe it and we didnt care about rumors.

on day, at about five, five thirty in the afternoon, something strange happened to us. Father wasnt at home, so only mom, me and brother were there. Brother was out in the yard playing or who knows what he was doing there, mom was inside, at the far end of the house where her bedroom was -or what was supposed to be her bedroom because only a piece of plywood divided it- she was ironing some clothings and i was reading in my bed, two feet away from the plywood.

I was focused on my reading when suddenly I saw sparkes ouside the house, in the yard. I thought it had been a short-circuit, now I realized that it`s not possible that I could`ve seen those sparkles, because the hut didnt have windows to the yard, I didnt thought of this when it happened though.

At the same time that I saw the sparkles my brother started to run screaming "moooooom!" and I saw him running from the yard, were I say the sparkles to inside of the cabin, all in slow motion, again looking through the house walls. He ran all the way, while I observed him, to my mother`s room, passing infront of me. There was a sphere behing him, at his head.

For me, it all happened in slow motion, I clearly saw the sphere and for a second right when my brother passed infront of me the sphere seemed to stop infront of me. It seemed like a bubble and at the same time it was similar to the nuclear`s energy images. It seemed light blue-ish or purplish. I felt as if the sphere had life, it seemed it stopped -as everything else- only to observe me. I didnt feel frighten, a bit curious maybe...

After that second, things went back to normal, no more slow motion, my brother kept running towards mom, there was a step down before getting to her bedroom, from there he jumped to my mom`s bed and the sphere, quickly, went to crash in the T.V antenna that was half way out of the roof, the sphere of light disappeared there burning part of the T.V. antenna.

Inmediatly I got up and walked to my mom`s bedroom. The three of us were in shock after we told our version of the story. All of us had seen the sparkles in the same place and we had been able to see through the walls, we all felt everything happened in slow motion. We all saw how the light sphere disappeared. We all felt it was observing us.

We never knew what was that sphere but we are sure it was not short circuit since there were no electric wires at any of the places where the sphere was. It was not a dream because the three of us saw it and it was no our imagination because the  TV antenna was indeed burned. No one believed us, not even dad...

Again, about three years after that incident, we didnt live in the hut anymore but on the newly build house, we saw the light sphere but this time it passed in the middle of the street very fast but it stopped a little  and got near to our door which was open. When mom called dad to came and see the sphere he refused to come. The ligth sphere went away, it disappeared in a blink.

Do you know?

Tell me, if you know,
what`s strenght and what`s weakness?
tell me if there`s any difference between them?
and now that  you are in the edge of this cruel thread
have you seen that is wider than the ocean and bigger than the endless blue sky?
is it possible to cross it easier?
can I build a bridge of tears to get to the other side?

was is it, if you know, strenght and weakness?
have you noticed how weak a drop is, however it`s capable of making a lake?
have you seen the fagility of a feather and how they hold birds in the air?
have you heard word you wanted to preserve yet they vanished between your hands?
oh, but those words whispered from the beloved lips can stab you `till death
or lift and put you aside from the cruel oblivion.

what is strength and what is weakness?
do you really know?
isnt weakness stronger than strengh sometimes?
aer you sure you`re not the weak one just pretending to be the strong one?
can you actually feel proud of your false strenght?
oh! poor you! dont you notice you`re blind?
dont you realized you have created an abyss?
how can you expect to find softness if you always comptempt weakness?

what is strenght and what is weakness?
do you see me as hard as a stone?
is my heart like a strong diamond to you?
how cant you see you made it weaker than glass?
why dont you want to accept the fact that the clock kept spinnin around?
...even if you didnt see it....
how long will you keep pretending you`re the strong one, a sham...?
how can I avoid truning in to you?

untittled

Different, hidden
waiting for you to appear.
Are you waiting for me too?

Patient, kind and pretty
that`s your appearance
will you take me in?

Please, choose at once
choose me, dont`s hesitate
don`t you see my soul already belongs to you?

I need your long, sweet, cold hands
I want your gentle touch
share your breath with me

dont leave me...

***
I have no idea what I was thinking when I made this one... it seems to be messy, not only one idea but a mix of many ¬¬

blue

This is one of the days in which I feel tired of everything, very tired. My eyes hurt and I just want to sleep forever without dream. I want to sleep and to shut down everything inside me. I`m in an island in a hostile world I dont know, instead of sky it has images that bring pain, instead of air, poison is going trhough my lungs and the water is burning the core of me.
I feel I`m underground, the air is not enough to breathe, the soil is pressing my chest, it`s getting harder to breathe and I dont seem to be able to find peace.

myth

Pandora´s box:

a sleeping ghost

your lilting voice

a tornado of words.

Hope:

trapped in the box

ephimeral thought

forever gone.

Premonition

Oh Lord! I never thought this could be so emotional and so sad and horrible. It`s like my soul shinks and stretch at the same time. My heart beats so hard and my skin is like a montain in an eathquake.
So weird, the first time after all this time, I was right, over here is so warm and nothing else matters, everybody together, just like Robin Hood.
Tears are comming out, just like rain through the hills, everything`s comming out, secrets are bubbles that explode and let out what`s inside but just for a moment only a moment that turn into eternity, never ending time and , at the same time, it`s over for ever... It`s in my memory as a picture a wet image, an ocean, puppy eyes... They all want to say something but hearts can be weak and they just cant say anything only with eyes, sad eyes, disappointed eyes, longing eyes. There are faces in need for a kiss, arms in need of a hug. The end is comming. We`re all by the edge, trying to fly away with open arms just like wings. The moment again seems like eternity locked in my mind for ever.

****
This was writen a long ago, it was untittled and now that I read it again it sounds like me having a premonition, just like one of those weird dreams I have that after a while they become true, that`s the reason of the tittle. I wish I had a premonition of something good instead of only bad and hurtful things.

Noblesse

I spend *doing the math* 12 hours of a thursday + other 12 hours of a friday reading Noblessed manga! -well the 161 chapters it has- I just loved it, something obvious based on the amount of time I wasted on it -I dont regret it though.
What I liked the most about it is that the whole thing is colored and the drawings are so beautiful, plus Rai attitude n power wow!! amazing. Of course, I was going to give it a try when I learned it had to do with supernatural things, genetic experiments and vampires! btw I also like all the names, even the experiment names!!

I cant wait to read more of it. So far, Rai awoke -I´m thinking he´s the top of the top of vamps- many guys that were genetically modified appeared -modified to imitate Noblesse powers- some that call themselves noblesse appeared too, and now someone has come to bring back Seira -a noblesse- I wonder what will happen later...

Away

I wish I`d get lost in the black starry night
I wish I`d get lost in the depth of the ocean.
I wish I could travel through the universe
flying with the wind
up and high to never come down again
I want to be like the eagles that fly high
to the mountains
to never be found.

Start

With an explosion everything began, the same way everything will fall apart... and then, we will reborn in infinity, like stars, like space, like everything that shines.

Fallen angel

***Epilogue***

Today, it´s been a year since Ayon went away. For some reason she comes to this park every week, walks around the seats of one of the tables, the same always. At the beginning she would cry, then she only sighed, today she talked looking up to the sky.
“my love will go with you…my love will stay with you” she repeated the promises they made to each other.

“is this seat taken?” a male voice asked her. That had been his line for nearly a year. They hugged. “well, Eimi” the man said “it´s been almost a year since I met you here in this same spot. You were sad and had lost someone... Now, you´re the light of my life, you´ve been that…” he smiled “I need you to know that I love you, can you correspond my feelings?” she saw him expressionless

“you never cut your hair” she said
“I thought you liked it long” he didn’t pressed for an answer of his last question.
“I never said that”
“don’t you like it long?”
“it makes me remember the one I lost”
“I look a lot like him, right? You said you couldn’t be my friend because you hated how my eyes and all of me was so much like him…but look we´re friends” he smiled.
“I must go” she said already walking away
“your love did go with me” he said. She stopped shocked but she didn’t turn around.
“what did you said?” Her back still to him.
“you promised your love was going to go with me. It did… I went back to heavens but I had to keep my promise… I´m here to fulfill mine”
“my love will stay with you” she said in a murmur
“yes, Eimi” He placed his hand on her shoulders and she finally turned to face him.
“but..y-you…this cant be…angels” her eyes filled with tears
“don’t cry” he hugged her “I´m no angel, no, no, I´m no demon either I´m just like you. I was granted with my wish of being human”
“h-how..w-why?”
“I didn’t know. It was untill this morning that I had decided to let you know I love you that I got a visit. It was quite scary at the beggining, I must confess that I thought I had gone mad but it was Passio that came and reminded me of everything that had happened…of how you saved me”
“Passio?”

Eimi was there standing still only watching him. Then she touched his eyes, his mouth, his hair. “I thought destiny was torturing me by putting infront of me the exact image of the one I had lost”
“I can still cut my hair if you want”
“no!” she said, and he chuckled “Ayon?” she asked, not believing he was there.
“yes, Eimi, it´s me, the demon- angel you met but now I´m no longer so, now I´m able to stay with you… so again, I need you to know that I love you, can you correspond my feelings?” she smiled
“I have always loved you, my angel”
They embraced each other and kissed.

I know it´s not possible for humans but I could swear they were wrapped in a bubble of energy.
“thanks for watching over her, bro” he said in a murmur. I smiled. He was still perceptive enough to know I was there. A love story, I had been commanded to be the witness. Passio`s just like a child, I thought, but she always seeks for a love story.
“I`m love, after all” she said appearing next to me, in her magnificent way.


********
wow! it`s been almost a year since I  started this story, I never expected to get so attach to the characters haha it`s like Eimi n Ayon have become real to me -once I even had a dream about them *but that`s because I`m crazy*- This is the end, well, I`ll have to check for my typos n mistakes some day hahaha n I hope that when  I read this again, it makes me feel happy that I wrote it n reminds me of how much I enjoyed doing it. Bye Ayon, bye Emi. Sorry that u didnt get the girl Criss hahaha -I`m getting crazier ha?!- lol

drawings ^^

The last drawing I`ve had time to do... 

 yeah... one of the girls from the prior drawing :p  btw, I like them in black n white, it`s my fav way of drawing... coloring them would feel like taking away that something good in them hahahaha -what a crazy person-

this is a painting not a drawing but, I thought it would b better to put 3 things instead of 2. Marc, a character on Saku`s story inspired this -I wish I was a better painter  though.

Fallen angel

Chapter 32 ***From above**

“The only one that has really love me” he said to her. I just got there. I had been sent to Eimi as her guardian angel again. I didn’t understand it since Ayon, a warrior was already with her but I´m glad I was sent there for what I saw was just magnificent. I feel honored that I was the one that got to see my brother became happy at last.

I sat on the roof watching them from above. I think Ayon doesn’t like others to come close to Eimi. I knew that he had felt me.

“I do love you” Eimi told him. She was in his arms.
“The only one that has really love me” Ayon responded, both with eyes closed and a smile. Even I, from above, could felt the big amount of energy coming from Eimi and her love protecting him but also Ayon became a big flow of energy that intertwined with hers. The fact that she was not being destroyed surprised me. A human body can´t take that much energy without at least fainting but she was fully awake. Their energy became like a column over them, like a slow swirl, it was turning, going round and round surrounding them. He was smiling. I got close and heard how theirs souls were talking in the middle of that swirl.
“I love you” her soul said while showing him images of his own smile, of his own tenderness with her, of how happy he had made her. He couldn’t fit in himself. And it was strange for me to realize that he had never felt worth of love and her, for once had made him felt worht of love. He was appologizing for dragging her into “this” he said and then I realized who my brother really was and how fool I had been for not noticing last time we met. He also showed his happy memories and some sad in wich she had been there for him. I was pondering if I should stop what was happening. “Don`t, this is the way it`s supposed to be” A last minute command “just watch it”, and so I did.

“sing to me” she asked from the swirl of energy they were. As he was singing the column divided in two, both started to get smaller as if they were shinking. I thought they were but then I noticed they were getting into Ayon´s body. He didn’t seemed to feel a thing nor his body seemed hurt as I know should had happened. When all of it was in him, the song stopped. They opened their eyes and she put a hand on his cheeck, more energy into him.

“I have always loved you, my angel… now, my love will always go with you, be happy Ayon, my love” he leaned his head to a side. He was confused. She was saying goodbye. She smiled as if saying `it´ll be ok` he smiled too. He got close and kissed her forehead. A tear came down her eyes. He cleaned it and then he kissed her. It really surprised me. Angels are not supposed to kiss women or say what he said.

They kissed for a while as if both had been waiting to do it for a long time. Meanwhile energy floated from her to him. Was she trying to destroy him? I was wondering. He let go then.
“My love will stay with you too” he said “I wish I was human to be able to be with you” she smiled
“I don’t” she said “because I love the you, you are now, I love the you that came to me, I love Ayon”
“I should´ve been braver and accepted my love for you sooner so that I could´ve made you happy” he said sad.
“you made me happy” she said. He smiled.
“I love you, Eimi” he said. She closed her eyes.

The sound of an atomic bomb sounded and then bits of light were floating everywhere. She was crying while sending more energy to those bits braking them till everything became invisible. She had destroyed him. She fell to her knees, moaning, screaming, crying.

I had orders of only see for her safety but I wondered for a moment if I should´ve helped Ayon. He was a demon, but he was also my brother.
“stay close but don’t show yourselft” one more command. Not that I wanted to touch her anyways, I had a bad experience on that.

The night came. She had fallen asleep on the floor. The nurses found her there and called for Ayon, there was no response. They dialed phone numbers. A while later many people came. She woke up on her bed.
“Eimi, what happened? Did Ayon hurt you?” she smiled
“no, Criss” she said
“you can talk!”
“I can” she said getting up from her bed
“h-how?” she only smiled
“no, stop” she said when the doctors came
“but they must check you up…where´s Ayon? He´ll be happy to see you are ok now”
“you´re a nice man Criss but he`s not coming back” she said, her eyes filled with tears. He hugged her.
“wh-what why? What happened Eimi?”
“let´s do the check up thing ok?” she smiled at him, grabbing his hand.