Lemonade

There are times in which life pulls the carpet from under your feet right when you were running faster, feeling yourself closer to the goal, yet life makes you fall and you break your legs, your teeth and scratch your hands and knees.... Maybe it even pulled the carpet so hard that it threw you so far from your way in a path you don't know, into what feels to be the valley of shadows and you are lost and alone and broken... Your will is broken, your confident is broken....

That is where I am... Trying to get up and back on my broken feet... On my broken confidence; scared of what might happen... Scared of more pain but it feels like just as I might end up with more pain and darkness I might get better, make lemonade, even.

Envy

I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was telling me about how her life's been going. She's doing pretty good. She just came back from a business trip. I had seen her pictures in one of so many social media sites. She's starting ESL classes this week, she's getting ready for a promotion at her job, she's gotten a boyfriend who apparently is a complete gentleman and also comes from a good family, she's planning a date with him this weekend to celebrate his graduation from university... She sounds so happy and I'm so happy for her and proud of her. She's a great friend and an amazing, smart person...

But...

It makes me a little sad, it's like she pointed out with her happiness and success that my life is still and that I have nothing going on anymore. I can totally do without the guy and it's not that I want what she has or that I wanna do what she's doing but I want to be doing my own things, to be moving forward.

I think if we had yearbooks n stuff like that, everybody would've said I was the most likely to success; even I believed it and I felt successful, getting a good job even before graduating... On the verge to move to my very own place, not having time for those French and Japanese lessons that I've always wanted, helping my family...feeling like I was making a positive influence in kids' lives... It was so good that it pretty much over shadowed my darkness, my sadness, my pain. I didn't mind it.

And...

I lost it, lost all that in the space of a step and the next. All I have now is darkness, sadness and pain. And I don't want to see or be seen by anybody and I don't dream and I don't wish and I don't plan for the future anymore and all I want is the end. My life is winter, all rain and dark sky.

Still...

I'm glad that my friend is doing well and I wish her the best, she's worked so hard for it. Even though it points out, in my mind, that I'm dead even if I live, it feels a little like it's my success, my happiness. Who wouldn't feel grateful when the ones they love are happy?

First day of September

God, I'm plagued with fears.

I used to feel like I could do whatever I wanted. The world was full of possibilities and I was smart and strong enough to go take it. 

Now my nightmares show me how I lose it all and I wake up crying about lost things that I never even had, about past regrets that I didn't even lived. It feels like even in my unconscious mind I've lost myself.

With a heavy heart and tears in my eyes I wake up and tell my brain that maybe I'm not that small, that I'm not useless, that I'll prevail in the end, that I can walk on water.

I am nothing; I have nothing it's the song that the echo in my head chants. I see how others are getting the dreams I dreamed and I ache and make myself wish them well as I pray for the dream that no one has because it's a given to them.

I am told that as many other times, as with many other hardships it'll pass and in time it'll feel just like a bad dream. I want to believe that, it just feels it's been so long and I know that's exactly how it feels when the earth is shaking under your feet and everything is crumbling and there is nowhere you can escape but it still feels like an eternity.

I am perceived as someone very loved, as a priority, as important...maybe it's to compensate for how withered I become everyday even as I smile and laugh, even as I fight and build a wall of strength that I don't have

The clock keeps ticking. Am I still asleep?

August 30th

Pain bids me good night

I go to bed

I wake up

Pain rises with the sun,

It's been playing with my dreams, chasing away sleep

Four letters that are the perfect descriptive for 27 months of misery

Pain is my jailer and cruel companion,

It reminds me of our too long anniversary every day

With every sunset, the count grows heavy over my shoulders, over my soul

It's like a vice, tight and hot, debilitating and heavy

It's here keeping me alive enough to keep killing me

It whips me careful not to completely break me

It exposes me for everybody to throw stones at me

Pain

It keeps dictating words

It wishes to wrench loose vowels from my mouth.

Misery loves company

geez, my eyes are filled with tears and my chest feels tight. I have a million reasons to cry, good ones even yet not really ´cause why would you cry again for something that you´ve already cried for?

I might not be able to contain the stupid tears and that´s so very bad, it´ll only make my already hurting eyes hurt more, they dont like to endure the effort of producing the tears that they already have hard time making but stupid heart, emotions, emo mood seems to not care about tomorrow or later tonight.

Going to bed... too bad I just cant sleep whenever I want. I better go, though, find a place where it´s just me. Dont want to make others sad as well, we all know how misery loves company

Goodbye

I'm sorry mom. I just can't keep going. I don't want this life anymore. I'm sad all the time, wishing it was the end that never comes, I finally have the courage to bring it to me. You're sad and maybe I broke you with this. I didn't mean to hurt you though I know I've done just that. Please don't blame this on you. You are perfect, the best mother and teacher that anybody could wish for. It's just me. Please carry on, my bro needs you and my niece as well and you just light the world so don't let me bring you down. I'm sure I'll finally be happy where I'm going. Mom you are my all, my anchor, my life, my very best friend. I always valued the connection and closeness we had. I could tell you so much but I know I don't need to, you know I love you as much as you love me. Mom, you have no idea how hard you make this, have done it many times over. If I've stayed around it's been for you, your help and constant love and it's not that now it's less or less important for me, it's just that I'm very tired, so tired and I have been for a long time, you know that right? It's not your fault, my beautiful. Nothing was your fault. Too bad I won't know who my niece became. I know she'll be great though. Tell her that I loved her deeply. My baby bro will be mad at me, I know, I'd be too if it was the other way around, you're my soul Jo, I love you always. I always admired you, your faith and strength, your pure heart despite your wild nature. I'm so proud of you bc you prove everybody wrong, you became a great man and a great dad. Keep on being amazing. Thank you for all the great memories, you truly are my best friend. I wanna tell you so much and over and over that I love you. I'll miss your hugs so much and your jokes and how awesome you are. Don't let me bring you down, you're infinite times better than what I'll ever be. I felt loved, dad, your love for me since before I even existed was a protecting wall that I had. Thank you. You're my dad and no matter what I'll always love you. Memories of us together are very important for me. If not for you I wouldn't have the values I had, maybe I wouldn't have been a feminist, one that believed in equality and in being independent, you taught me that it didn't matter if I wanted things different or if I was different, that was even better. I know you were always proud of me, I was always proud of your success too, you're one of the smartest men I've ever met. Thank you so much for teaching me about god and faith and heaven, it's the best gift you could have given me. My family, my all. Outside you, nothing existed. I love you. If after my selfish actions I can ask you a favor it'll be to let know my friends that they were important, stars in a dark sky, even if I never said it but I felt loved by them as well. They taught me so many things. Bes, my very first friend, Xiomi always very patient, Cecy my bff, one that knew me well, I admire her faith, she's so smart. I only had one new friend in college and she totally won my heart, I wish her happiness. These women are so amazing, strong and independent, the best. I'll never forget them. I think in rl I sort of only have one guy friend, the most positive of ppl always trying to make me laugh, I thank him for always remembering my bday even if I forgot his. There are a couple of friends that I've never met in person but that feel as close, I cherish and appreciate them a lot. Saku with her great heart and patience. I'm always making her mad but she's so cool that always let's go of that, it was always so easy to talk to her and wow it was so great to share our writings, I probably never said it but her comments on my stuff made me feel anxious and giddy, her opinion was important for me. I'd never know how to thank her for being my sole companion in the times I felt alone and broken. There is one boy, years younger than me but wow he's admirable, so strong and focused. I know he'll do the great things he plans. I couldn't be more proud of him. I never met Matty in real life but I think we both wished it. I need to thank him for giving me the strength to finally accept all of me, to stop ignoring and hiding sides of me and though I'm always quiet about everything that has to do with myself, those who matter know me and that was something Matty helped me with. If he was such a great kid, I know he'll be a great man. This is a goodbye but it only makes it all harder by reminding me of the moments of light in the darkness, by reminding me of the people I love, my angels. If only I could make it better, I'm sorry to disappoint you all. I know most of you will think so much less of me, think of me as a coward and selfish person. It's alright, I won't contradict you. I'm tired, so tired. All I want to do is sleep forever. All of you are so amazing. Thank you for seeing me. Until we meet again, my lovelies and friends.

******

btw,I havent done anything...still around and all, writing this letter only had the effect of snapping out of the crisis I was in... not that things are perfect now but I´ll still b around for now

Blogging

Have you ever gotten your facebook or any other social media or forum private messages read by someone other than you or the person you sent the message? (or like when your texts are read by someone else other than the person you intended to read them) It´s quite awkward, right?

I have a younger brother, he´s just two years or so younger than me but I feel like he´s still my baby brother and he sees me as his little sister, he´s always protecting me and supporting me and we are just the best friends. I trust him with my life; but he´s still a brother, a younger brother so he does little brother type things, like read my texts and private messages and as long as he doesn't reply to the people I´ve been talking to I don't mind. I do mind because it's strange but I dont mind because there´s nothing I say to people that I wouldnt tell him, now, that he wants to know those things is something else.

His wife sort of scolded him when she saw what he was doing. It was not because she respected my privacy but because she thought he was checking out girls, my friends and she´s jealous of her own shadow. She told him that she saw he was talking to one of my "friends" (not my friend but some college classmate) that I´ll call X.

My bro thought X was this other girl we went to school with, who had the same name as X and he was asking me about her and ofc his wife was angry so I told her it was not the same girl, that the girl my bro thought was really really beautiful but that we had met her years and years ago and that X was just a classmate I had in college. At that my bro stared at me with huge eyes and blushed cheeks (which is quite an accomplisment, that man never gets blushed) and he´s like, barely able to talk "Is that the girl?!" (at this point he started to speak in a foreign language and I replied in the same way, quite rude since we were at the dining table but yeah...) and I blushed, I think and nodded
"Is that the girl that you liked?! the first girl that you ever liked?!" he couldnt believe it
"Yeah, that was her, now shut up" I said
"Was that the girl from HS that you said?"
"No!! you and I were in the same school back then, it was before HS" I said feeling more than a little shy. He gasped
"So, there´s more than one girl!? -he squeezed his eyes closed- I totally saw that you had liked that girl by the way you say that she was so beautiful" he told me
"Ok, ok, so now you know, this is just between us so no telling"
"Come on! I´m..." he was shocked, I never talk of things like that
"Told you not to read my stuff bc you might not like it"
"...but, you... she was pretty, you have good tastes" he complimented me with tinted cheeks. It was funny.

The whole thing was funny and awkward. I dont want to slip again though, I dont want to tell him who are the other girls, he knows them all and I know he thinks bad of at least one of them and I just wont be able to handle him saying bad stuff about her... but it felt good once  that conversation happened, I can never talk about this with him or mom, they´re ok with it but it´s just embarrassing for all of us to speak of something that´s not common and I know they just still have a hard time thinking of me and girls, they like it better when I talk of guys and there´s just no one that I can talk to about this particular part of me so whenever by accident I get to talk of it, even if awkward, it makes me feel somewhat giddy and free.

Something else that was funny was that I was pretty worried that bro would read my memos! my writing, the few notes I have in my phone, the bits of story-writing... there´s quite ....not innocent writing there and then I laughed at myself... he doesnt like reading, he´s never read any of my stories even if I´ve asked him to do it. "You know I hate reading, sist, reading´s not my thing, you know that, right?" that´s what he said when I asked him to read anything that I wrote.

Desires

I was chatting, smiling at my computer as I replied
Then, I was running, running away from her
I had never wanted to run away from her
I had been always following her, walking next to her at some point
and then doing my best to caught up to her
Not anymore. I was running away from her
Ignoring the pain in my chest as I put distance between us
I didn't want to tell her about it,
I´d do anything to avoid it...

I woke up. Wow. It was a dream...
right?

Flat

I´ve been wearing the same jeans since Monday; they´re old jeans that now that I´ve lost weight are kinda loose. I don't need to unbutton them to take them off but they don´t fall down if I don't tug them down; however they hang low on my hips. 

My low loose jeans reminded me of something, of someone actually and something about me. It´s nothing important just something that I felt like writing about. I had this classmate in my first year in college who seemed to like to wear jeans like the one I´m wearing now. I´m pretty sure it was on purpose because they were not loose in any other place, like only low low low. Also this person seemed to like to wear t-shirts that ended at the waist with low cut jeans.

I didn't want to notice but many times when I was talking to this classmate I could see a glimpse of underwear and the slight hint of hip bones under skin and smooth white flat stomach. I remember that today. At the time I didn't realize but it seems that I liked it. I knew that I had a thing for flat tummies though. 

Ok, so that´s it, a confession, I guess, I have a thing for flat stomachs and probably low loose jeans in other ppl´s bodies I´m not sure haha

Infinity

A few days ago I found a piece of plasterboard in the garage and I thought it´d be good to paint something on it. Yesterday and today I´ve felt I needed paint to feel better. My mother enjoys watching design/DIY shows and there is one where this artist sort of teaches techniques to paint, I never see them unless it sounds interesting...I saw one yesterday, and said I´d try it but I ended up doing my own thing haha didn’t follow the technique they showed instead I decided to go by feeling which is what I always do when it comes to artsy stuff and that painting happened. I don’t know if it´s good, I never know if what I create is good.

It makes me happy when my family like the artsy things that I do, specially when it comes to drawing and painting and I always know when they like them for real (they always say it´s good but I know sometimes they don’t think so) I know that they actually like my drawings/paintings when they hang them on the wall or place them on the tables in the living room/dining room... Still with this, sometimes I don’t know if it´s good, they´re my family after all, they are supposed to support me haha. It also makes me happy to share my whimsy creations with my friend Saku (I was just thinking this morning that though we´re so very far geographically I feel like she´s one of the closest friends I have) I like her little comments and I kinda think that she´s just like my family, a little -a lot- biased towards my stuff just because they know me.

This friend I´m talking about has this amazing story. In it there is this boy, an awesome boy, he´s like my Mr.Darcy of the non-published stories hahaha sometimes I think that if I could meet only one of them I´d die of frustration because I wouldn’t know which one to choose haha In the story, this boy, Dominic is like the embodiment of confidence and deep thinking, the first he shows, no, it oozes from him, it´s impossible not to notice it; the latter though, he seem to keep to himself most of the times, he seems to share it with his girlfriend, the sweetheart Michaela, I think what he shares more is his confidence and since it oozes from him haha she´s kinda absorbing it for herself which is great since she really needs it. I think all of this has to do with that picture above these paragraphs since, both my dear friend and the hottie have given me one of those things I consider a gift. Words.

Saku, my friend, said this character is interested in abstract art...this is what he said about mine:

"What do you see?" I asked Dominic as we stood in front of the painting.

"It... It looks like stars. Not shooting stars but like the wind is pushing them. Does that make sense?" He narrowed his gaze and glanced my way.

"I can see that, I think." I caressed my chin with my fingertips. "Tell me more." I grinned at him.

"It's strange because the wind is pushing the stars towards space but the wind itself is spinning towards a different infinity."

"Infinity?" My eyes widened. "I want to know about that infinity." I stroked his arm. He chuckled and took a wide step away from the artwork and me.

He truly is the embodiment of confidence, it´s reached even me, now with that.

This is what my friend said about abstract art, I like it; she has a better opinion of it than me (haha)

"It could be seen as easy but it's mysterious and that's what makes people flock to it I think, that they could be right and anyone can guess anything."

There is nothing like hugs made words. Thank you Saku, thank you Dom and thank you Mike too ;)

I wish

I wish I could go on a walk.
I wish I didn't have to think so much either.
I wish things didn't matter so much sometimes.
I wish I was a teapot instead of a blue flame.

I wish I could rhyme and write a song.
I wish I could do the lemonade with the lemons I got.
I wish I wasn't afraid.
I wish I was a flower and not a weed.

I really wish I could go on a walk
I wish I could be someone else sometimes
I wish I didn't wish a thing
I wish I remembered right now that on a daily basis
I just don´t wish for much...

Soup for lunch.

The soup´s almost done
I´ll do my best to be quick.
Tell others so that the knowledge you told people forces you to actually do things,
some advice said, I´m telling the internet, what a loner,
that I´m going to try to go over one of my completed stories,
to make it better, to fix and edit, easy little things, to me like climbing a mountain.
I dont exactly want to do it but I think I´m losing some parts if I just go on writing the second part of it without remembering all details,
over 500 pages would do that, right? or maybe I´m just a terrible writer who cant remember her own stories...
but names have never been my forte and fantasy grows big and fast, I´m light years away from Nicky´s first arrogant comment. I need to see it again and though I wrote it, it feels kinda boring, maybe it´s boring, a boring story... oh, well, I just read that it doesnt matter if what you write is crap as long as you write.
And I want to write, I´ve had two days of wonderful writing bliss, words flowing from my mind to my hand to the paper, my handwriting imitating that of the character´s hand... A bit of a frenzy, writing up to one in the morning when I had to tell him to stop, it was time to rest... I knew what would happen, now my hand hurts, and no, I´m not just weak, hurts even to move, even to touch.... maybe that´s why I´ve gone and thought about editing, in another attempt to ignore the pain but hey, maybe ignoring things is just not good, they become like a big pile of stuff that at some point you just cant ignore...

Books can only last for a while, too much writing ends up hurting my hand, I read and read instead until of course my lack of tears makes me stop. How ironic that someone so sad has no tears, said by doctors, lived by me and although I hate them, tears seem to be quite important, fake one, meaning the ones I have to get from the drugstore, are not as effective as the normal ones....

The soup´s done and I´m not complaining for once I dont want to complain, I know that´s all I know how to do but it gets old as well.... ignoring and overlooking though.... mh but really what can you do?

because I´m here now slowly letting go of things, my body´s a frustrating little thing, my mind´s kinda weak too and geez I havent stopped thinking about "the talk" I got on friday. Because saying you dont mind what body someone is in to feel atracted to them automatically puts you in the "in danger" people, those who are easily "lost" and end up bad and lonely and just really, really bad. And it´s concern, I know, but how it seems that it´s the worst thing I could´ve said, not like I exactly chose it, I chose to be ok with it though and I am but hearing constant comments of how wrong it is... trully scares me sometimes, not because I think I´ll get harmed but because I know I dont want to disappoint people, religion, society...
"Do you wanna be a man?" no, of course not. "You´re half man so you get it" no, I´m not. "Lately there are way more... it´s like they´re recruiting..." from one that doesnt know a thing. The truth is that it doesnt really matter, it doesnt really hurts, it only annoys.
"For the things that you say, you must be really disappointed on me" I said to my mother after the talk, it hit me hard then, for a moment. She came and hugged me, said that she loved me, just wanted me to be happy... It was not a good day...

I felt a lot like the poor and the goverment, goverment takes what the poor barely has. Ha! I´m the poor, one who has took away what I barely had and I cant even be angry, because I love the jerk and he had an advocate who said, I´ll make it better, all that I have is yours. It´s not the action but the lack of thought, I dont know.

I dont even know what I´m saying anymore, there´s a knot in my throat... maybe I´m just messily pouring down my thoughts.

I dont want May to come.

This is no longer about writing, come on! I really wanted to stay on track this time, feel detached... I feel like posting today, not this, this is crap but something else. I´ll see if I start reading Nic and Josh´s story, feeling embarrassed about all the mistakes, maybe I´ll just keep listening to that audiobook instead, once my tears run dry, quite fast, I gotta say... Maybe I´ll start that next Josh pov, after all I made my hand all bad for it.. I hope you´re happy now Josh.

My head hurts. Chicken soup for lunch.

Hatching butterflies

I love you quietly,

and I love you distant, 

and I love you crazy,

and I love you close, 

closer than my skin, 

whenever you decide to come

I love you like the wind,

great and soft and destructive

and needed, life, like you.

Behind my eyelids

and inside my chest

I have you 

and you are mine

which only makes me yours

who else would I let bring a nest of hatching butterflies

and plant it in the pit of my stomach?

my laughter, you´re the cause of it,

that stupid grin that you paste in my face

love, love, love

that is you

you´re the color of it

I love you with all that I am

with all my shapes and angles

and wholes and walls

I love you soft and I love you hard

and through my annoyance and my anger

and all that goes wrong

despite my life, I love you

I love you big and I love you small

You´re there even when you´re not

I love you now even if you´re not around

and that´s ok, because we´re not trading

I´m just feeling

I love you against me and right next to me

I love you like the way and the destiny

I love you like any soul could love another

I love you like I should love myself

There you are... here, there, everywhere, nowhere

*****

A/N: ha! when I get in these moods... It´s pretty nice to find myself thinking poetry once again, poetry that´s just mine, mine because I´m not thinking of a particular person and my mind doesnt get all foggy and my heart all sad because hey, this could be too much for anyone but no, it´s just me, maybe I´m slowly coming back, I missed myself, I gotta say hahaha 

Tired

It´s been fifteen days.
Day in and day out, it´s all the same.
I´m dying.
I´ve been dying for so long.
Slowly whitering wihout fading away.
If it´d only be a way to match my inside with my outside
The shell of caring hands, loving thoughts keep the dust of my life in shape,
As if I lived, as I breath without breathing
I wanna cry my life and exhale my blood,
For it to go back above, for it to go back to the ground

A Prince´s Lessons

The Little Prince

                The Little Prince is one of my favorite characters of all books. First of all, because it was the first book I ever read, so I have special memories about it. Second, I really like the way he is. He is so curious; however, he is a shy little guy. I guess I used to feel somehow related to those characteristics. I like that he is always wanting to know the reason of things, he is always asking questions; I like how he insists so much in order to get what he wants, and above all, I love the way he found out the meaning of friendship. Tame was the word the author used; I found that scene very captivating. I really enjoyed reading The Little Prince as much as I did about almost thirteen years ago when I first read it.

                The Prince got to know all sorts of people, people who forgot about the little meaningful things on life. At first he met a king who was alone; however, he felt the universe belonged to him; then he found a conceited man who never listened to anything but praise; then there was a tippler who drank in order to forget he was a tippler, he lived unwillingly to change his addiction; later, in the next planet, the Little Prince found a business man who was so busy trying to own everything that he never enjoyed anything; in the next stop the Little Prince met a lamp-lighter, a good man, but his planet shrunk from time to time, so there was no room for anybody but himself; finally he met a geographer, a man who had never explored, a man who had never left his desk. All those types of people inhabit Earth as well, each one live like they inhabit their own planet, alone, each one so busy on their own ambitions that they have forgotten about happiness and companionship. Although the Little Prince didn´t understand any of the men he knew, he practically met all type of personas.

                The Little Prince, through his journey, shows the valuable things in life. The Little Prince´s most valuable possession was a rose. On the outside his rose was just like any other rose; however, the time they spent together, the time he wasted on her made that rose completely different to any other rose. Such thing: time wasted on something or someone, memories, words…; that´s what makes someone or something really valuable. “…What is essential is invisible to the eye”; therefore, happiness, worth and value are not in what we see with our eyes but they are in what we feel with our heart. That is, indeed, the most valuable truth in life. 

***

This was a paper I presented for some English class. I found the paper last night in some folders... 

"Your comments are very inspiring!!!" was my teacher´s comment -yet I got a nine lol I had four spelling mistakes haha

sleep

when the light´s off
and nothing but whispers surround me
I´ll close my eyes
and the horrors of my unspoken words will chase me
I don´t want to close my eyes
but I want my mind to go to drift to nothingness
sleep´s a blessing I´m dreprived of
darkness so calm, so private
just a different kind of light
fear comes from inside where the reason of harm is
inside and all alone...captive in a tiny cell
what do you do with the impulse to run
when you can´t run away from yourself?

Mad to a sixteen yr old...

I´m going crazy. I´ve been wanting to write something for about two weeks now and then I just don´t. I don´t really want to turn it into another rant, there´s too much of that in here already.... I´d like to make it into something creative, something that actually makes some -even a little sense- but nothing´s happening.

During the day I´m constantly feeling like I want to write and that I really really need to write, and that´s not me exagerating, I have the actual need of writing but then I don´t, granted, it´s quite hard to do it when I have to stay flat on my back and the small movements with my arms hurt but still... no good writing´s happening, my ideas are everywhere and nowhere, I keep chasing them and they just keep running away from me. And then, at night, these little scenes for stories or poems pop up in my head and I like them and I want to use them and they could be good, I know but in the morning... I´m so tired and I just can´t write during the day. I can´t do it and it´s so sad...

The week before last week I was in the restroom -nice place to have epiphanies- lol - I thought as I made my pony-tail again that I wanted to write some sort of idk post talking about writing but at that time I thought that I wanted to say that I wanted to dedicate more time to writing. I read something everyday, that´s what I want to do with writing but then I just can´t and I love it and I can´t .... and this blog was supposed to make me feel good and now I feel so bad for not writing at all and I´ve been wondering if I should take everything down...

Here I am, again, I have so much to say and I just.... it seems I can´t do it, I don´t know what else to say. There´s a multiverse of thoughts in my head yet there is nothing there, nothing but space.....

I had a little meeting with one of my bosses yesterday, it made me mad, there was this paper I had graded and I took away 15% because it was given to me a day after the due date and that 15% was there to reward giving the paper on time...anyway the boss said no, I couldn´t take away that 15% no,no,no, it was too much blah blah blah... I said my reasons for not wanting to put any of that porcentage to that girl but whatever in the end the boss is the boss so I had to put some.... I guess I´m kinda mad with the girl, the irresponsible girl who didn´t give her paper on time, and it´s completely irrational, I´m not mad at her being late, she´s a senior this year, and really,  I care about my students but this girl has been this irresponsible since I met her so I don´t care, and that´s exactly what I thought "I don´t care, she could go into life being irresponsible, I hope she gets fired at her jobs for that" -such a good teacher I am- but then, her family has money and ...wait for it..

wait...

she writes -bam! there!- some teachers say she´s good at it, she´s always saying she´ll show me her work but she´s never done it anyways I was thinking after the "I hope she gets fired at her job when she works" part that she´ll probably never work, she´s wealthy enough to not do that, no, that´s just something us poor people have to do but... mmmm she´s quite interested in writing and she says she can see herself doing that so maybe she´ll become a writer and I bet she´ll even publish because she´s rich and rich ppl know ppl -geez am I being horrible or what? I´m mad at a 16yr old girl, so inmature of me but I´m angrier at myself... I bet if by a miracle I´d get a contact to be published or something I´d probably be one of those authors who have only one book because I can´t even keep up with my own stuff, I don´t write, I just want to write, I DONT write, at all

I´m so bitter right now....and I turned this thing into one of my complaining parties agh -good thing my back hurts like hell now ´cause that´ll make me stop, now!

Dark Art

I´ve been thinking of this post since yesterday! >_<

But this is useless babbling, I strongly advice you to skip it until you see the tittle of this post again

Heavy

This is so sad and it makes me angry. I have only like a minute for my break to be over but I can´t shake the thoughts of my mind. Last night I had a dream that haunts me now. Such a bad timing for my brain to be having dreams like that... it was a couple of minutes past midnight when I finally felt sleep come to me and then, a dream the kind that feels so real, the kinds that makes my heart feel heavy and my mind unsettled. It feels like a premotion and my rational self keeps telling the scaredy silly girl in me that it was just a dream and nothing more. But, and it´s most likely just a coincidence, my dreams like that seem to become real.

In my dream I was in the waiting room of some hospital, that´s no surprise, I´ve been in hospitals waiting room the past year enough time for a life-time, I know which hospital it was, the one in which I first got treated for my illness, the doctor there transfered me to the one I go these days-back to what I was saying,I was in that waiting room in hard blue chairs feeling cold, hospitals always feel cold- I was waiting on my own and then in my dream, I appeared in an examination room, at my back someone said some pitiful comment, they were sorry for me and then I heard what they said, it was my diagnosis. My eyes grew wide when I learned it and I inmediately began to cry. In the dream I imagined my leg being split open, I saw my bones and muscles and the whole thing inside... I didn´t know if the disease had a cure. I just stayed there sat listening like echo the comments the others made of me, to other doctors.

I was told what I had, in my dream, and I just can´t remember the name of it, it´s like only that piece of information is lost. It annoys me and scares me. The exam prior to the MRI was an electromiography, a very painful procedure with needles and electricity, as it was being done to me, I knew something was going to be wrong, I knew it was going to tell in a way what might be wrong with me... unlike the other tests -I feel a lot like a lab-rat with so many things done to me- that had been "normal" this one was not and I knew it was not going to be as soon as I got put the stickers with wires.

But then I might be thinking to much and pain doesnt make it better. The only thoughts that I seem to have are of pain and of that forgotten diagnosis I was given in my dream.... Pain is unavoidable, I do not control it and though I don´t control what I see in my dreams either I do control what I make of those and it seems I am refusing to control that letting it control me instead when it´s nothing but a dream.

sink in

+++++++ another rant for my extense collection of them+++++++ I wonder if I´ll be "analized" or w/e for things like this...

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I wanted to be mistaken -and I want to make it short, I don´t have time- I wanted to be mistaken but I knew it´d eventually sink in... It´s been four days since my last doc´s appt... The news were not so nice, they weren´t nice at all and for some reason I was fine with it, as if I could care less... often my visits to the doctor lead to a night of crying until I fall asleep, not that friday but I kind of wish it had been like that, it was Friday after all...

This doctor said things were not going to be easy... she sort of said I could get better but that it´d take a lot of time and it was as if I wasn´t even there, it was as if I was somewhere else where nothing bad happened... Saturday was bad but Sunday, Sunday was good, my first 24 hours in almost an entire year without pain and I guess I allowed myself some hope, that was mistake number one... Monday came and there was pain... Monday night and the many pills I take every single day are hurting my stomach... and it seems like I have to choose which pain I prefer... meds that make somewhere else hurt and they don´t even relieve all the pain....

Well... I should be used to this.