safe place

Ayon was here. Random huh?
I thought this day was not going to come, not again,
there you were
saying I miss you one day, and then not replying again
days later, you appear, telling me of your latest interest
someone that makes you curious and sad because she seems to run away from you
and you want my advice, you want my confort
and I will confort you as you pierce my heart, all over again
as  I realize again that you never looked my way
except as your safe place where you could hide for a moment before trying the world again.

****
Written on March 4th 2013, over a year ago. I´m not entirely sure why I want this out there mmm

Through My Eyes: Down the rabbit hole

A/N: nothing much happens in this one... yet it´s taken me forever to post it. Never again I´m going over the posts twice!! >_< specially bc I´m sure there´ll b a lot of mistakes even if I did...

***** 

This was a bad day, a day I hated.

Last year it had been a Thursday.

It had been the two year mark.

I don’t think I had ever been so drunk, except perhaps the year before.

“I won’t pick you up” Aaron had said when he called me earlier; he’d done so the year before. If I needed it, he would do it again. We both knew that.

“It won’t be necessary” I had said and I hoped it wouldn’t be. I’m not unpredictable but I get my moments….

Last year it had been a Thursday and this year it was a Friday. Marissa had asked me a couple of days before to come to their movie night again which had sounded like a good way to distract myself and I wasn’t in the least opposed to the cuddling that I knew we’d be doing afterwards, like it usually happened … although I had wondered if it was actually a good idea or a good distraction considering the other person that was going to be there, even with that thought in mind, I hadn´t cancelled and on that Friday, there I was…

I sighed and reached to knock on the door; before I could do it, the door opened.

“What are you doing here?” Nichole had her backpack on.

“Well, hello, nice to see you too –I raised my eyebrow- Marissa asked me to come”

“I didn’t think you’d come- she opened the door the full way to let me in- Marissa’s not here, it’s early” she walked inside to the coffee table where she had her keys

“Leaving before I came?” I sounded angry.  She raised both eyebrows.

“Like I said, -she put emphasis on the words- I didn’t think you’d come”

“You’re not staying?” I asked. She was already on her way out.

“No, but you can wait here for her”

“Why are you always in such a hurry to leave?” I sat on the armchair.

“I have somewhere to go”

“Away from me…” I said dryly, she stared at me for a moment.

“Are you…? – I thought she was going ask if I was ok but she knew I was not. She knew why I wasn’t ok.

“I´m going to see Camille -Nichole said instead of finishing her question- It´s… not a good day for her” she explained. Of course not, today not only I had lost loved ones.

“Not a good day” I repeated

“Yeah, that’s why I thought you wouldn’t come. I thought you’d be with your family” she was talking more than usual. It was like a contrast between our moods. She was right though, that day my family was together and they wanted me to be there with them….

“…Mourning a jerk….” I finished my thoughts out loud with a scoff; she seemed startled by my words.

“How do you do it? –I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head- how do you do to not feel anything?” I scowled and the minute I said it I knew it was unfair but I just couldn’t stop myself. Her eyes turned glassy but she blinked once and it was as if I had imagined it, it went away as fast as if it had never happened.

“That’s how I am” she didn’t meet my eyes but her use of that monotone made me angry.

“Why did you leave?” I asked. Now that I look back in time it was almost out of nowhere and with no context, I don’t know how I expected her to know what I was talking about but of course, she knew. At the time she just stared.

“I really have to go” it was as if she hadn’t heard my words but of course she’d decided to ignore them. I laughed humorlessly.

“Of course, you always have to go –I sighed- that’s who you are, always leaving, not feeling… great, you should teach a course on that…” my jaw clenched.

“Do you really want to be talking of this, now? Here? You´re obviously not doing well, Mari will come any minute now if she asked you to come and I have to be with Camille” her voice was unaffected, as if my words hadn’t had any meaning to her.

“If you just answered at once you could go away like you always do” I felt angry. I knew she made sense, in any other day I wouldn´t have started this knowing that I wasn´t feeling well and that Marissa would come soon. She shook her head no

“Tell me why you left me to deal with two dead bodies and a murderer! I deserve to know!” I stood up as I raised my voice. She looked like she was worried about people hearing, she scratched a spot on her forehead and then combed her hair with her hand

“Yes, I owe you answers, I know –she took a couple of steps towards me, her hands raised in a calming gesture, her voice leveled, calmed- ….but right now…”

“I want to know now, I don’t want to wait anymore!” my voice getting louder than what I intended not that I had intended to raise my voice though. She squeezed her eyes shut and touched her forehead again.

“I can’t stay and you obviously can´t either -she maintained her calmed, infuriating tone-, what will Marissa make of you? I´m not blaming you –she cut in before I said anything and then sighed- you should go home… have some rest –she looked at my eyes… yeah, she had noticed the marks of my sleepless nights- I´ll go to you later and give you your answers”

“No –I shook my head, I knew she wouldn’t honor that, besides I was tired of waiting and giving her space- just say you let your assassin to do your dirty work” I spat. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply

“You’re coming with me –she said barely opening her mouth once she opened her eyes- can you, please, behave around Camille – she pleaded, her voiced changed, it startled me, was it a rehearsed one? Was it real? - she doesn’t know…” Nic motioned between us. She threw me on a loop, my eyes were wide and I had just registered that she was taking me to where she was going with her sister; that was crazy. I said nothing

“Let´s go…” she went to the door and my feet, without me followed her. I grimaced at this, always following her. It was not a good day.

“Where did you park your car?” she asked once we were in the elevator.

“I walked” I said, she had a little crease between her eyebrows as if that confused her but it was only a ten minute walk from campus.  After that little crease disappeared she raised an eyebrow, probably because that would have meant me walking back home at after one am and I didn’t live ten minutes away from them… although I would´ve probably stayed with Marissa, like I had done a few times.

“Good” she walked towards a silver car, an ordinary car, new but not what she could’ve had. She got in, threw her bags on the back seat. I kept my backpack on the floor, at my feet. We left.

I was too flabbergasted to say anything at this point which was inconsistent the outburst I had before. She was all business.

“Let Marissa know you won’t be there… if you can don’t tell her you’re with me, that’d… be hard to explain” she kept her eyes on the road, I nodded

“Just not now –she said when I took my phone out. Why did my hands do what she said? I just furrowed my eyebrows- at what time did she ask you to meet her?”

“Four” I replied, I saw her glancing me from the corner of her eye.

“It’s too early, it’d be strange and she’d probably would want to see you if you tell her you´re not going right now” she explained. I glanced at the clock on the dashboard, it wasn’t two pm yet, movie night was usually at seven or eight; Marissa had suggested we should meet a little earlier but... I totally hadn’t been thinking when I went to their apartment. I nodded again.

“We´re going to meet Camille –Nichole spoke again after a while in silence, she sounded tense- at her school, we’ll go home to get her a change of clothes, then we´ll go to a flower shop –she shrugged a little- after that we´re meeting her mother and possibly her sisters at the graveyard where Karl is –she explained, I noticed she didn’t call him father like she used to… but then I didn’t call Alexander grandpa anymore either- it´s likely that Natasha will be there too, you don’t have to get out of the car if…”

“Why are you still with that woman?!” my anger resurfaced. I couldn’t understand how she still associated with someone that she feared before.  She sighed twisting her mouth.

“Not now, please, we’re ten minutes away from Mii, you and I need to calm down. I know I don’t have the right to ask you to be civil with my sister but … -she swallowed- I couldn’t think of another faster way to… give you what you want today… you’ll still have to wait though…”  there was a heavy silence after that. I breathed in deeply and nodded once. Of course I’d be nice to her sister, it was not her fault, she didn’t even know.

“After spending some time at the graveyard, we´ll go to dinner –she shrugged- I´ll make sure Nat doesn’t go. Do you mind Ash and Jess?” she looked at me for the first time, I shook my head, they were not my favorite people but they were ok.

“Are you friends with them now?” I asked and she shook her head

“They probably won’t go but ….-she trailed off- after dinner, you, Camille and I will drive to Crystals house, where you had your party, do you remember? –I nodded- Do you have anything to do tomorrow morning?”

“Why?”

“So that I can bring you back tonight or early tomorrow or have someone bring you back” she said and I didn’t like the have someone bring me back part, it reminded me of the time I had been kidnapped by one of her people

“I will take a cab” I said, she nodded her agreement.

“I expect Mii to fall asleep quick… We´ll talk then” she blinked and looked out her window for a second. I was angry still but at that point I was starting to feel remorseful. I didn’t have to shout, I didn’t have to pry in her little sister’s pain and I had waited for a while I could´ve waited for a couple of hours without having to tag along.

“I…” I was about to tell her I’d take a cab back, we were about 45 minutes away from school now.

“We’re here” she said before I could say anything, she unbuckled herself  “I´ll be back in a moment” she got out of the car and walked towards the school, a private one of modern buildings and green lawn all the way to the entrance.

After a few minutes she came back with Camille in her uniform. The little girl had grown up, of course, it had been about three years since I had seen her, she´d have to be about eleven now. She was taller and like a younger version of her older sister, they were startlingly similar, even their walk was similar except Camille´s was relaxed. I doubted she’d been taught to walk like that. Nichole carried her little sister’s backpack as one of her hands rested on the younger girl´s shoulder. Camille’s hair was a little messy, at least a difference from her older sister that never seemed to have a hair out of place.

Once they were closer I got out of the car. Camille didn’t seem surprised; I guessed Nichole had told her I was there. I tried to compose myself.

“Mii, do you remember Josh?” Nic asked, the younger girl nodded and smiled a small smile

“Hello, Josh” she still had her cheerful tone, dulled, I guessed by what the day represented

“Hello, Camille – I smiled- I hope you don’t mind my intrusion” I said apologetically, she shook her head, her eyes going glassy, Nichole pulled her closer to her side.

“It´s ok, it´ll be ok” Nic stroked her sister´s back

“I´m sorry” the little girl said to me

“Don’t worry… I get it” I tried to smile but I couldn’t

“Josh´s grandfather was the other gentleman that was with father…” Nichole explained gently, Camille stared at her sister and then at me

“I´m sorry for your lost” she said, came to me and hugged me tight. My eyes were wide open at that; it took me a second to hug her back

“I´m sorry for your lost, too” I said once she let go, I had the strange sensation that I meant it, despite being about a man who had planned my whole family´s death

“Are you guys ready to go?” Nic intervened; I moved away to let Mii have the front seat but she didn’t let me… The little girl had been raised to be friendly. Her ways were so contrasting with Nichole´s but then their lives had been the opposite as well so I guessed it made sense.

“Maybe we can visit Josh´s family… or something” Mii said after a little while in silence, Nic opened her mouth but no sound came out.

“Don’t worry –I said, looking back at her- it´s not close but thank you” I smiled and she smiled a weak smile too.

We drove back, well part of the way back, ten minutes back from where Camille’s school was, to a building of expensive apartments, doorman and everything... The three of us took the elevator to the third floor. Home, Nichole had said, we’ll go home, so I guessed this was where Camille lived.

“Did you bring my dress?” Camille asked as Nic unlocked the door

“Yes and an extra one” she opened the door, Camille got in first, then Nichole motioned for me to get in. The place said Nichole everywhere, unlike her place at school, this was how I had imagined hers and Marissa´s place.

Both the wall against which the door stopped and the one that made up the back of the living room had shadows of trees painted as if trees were somewhere close, the wall on the left side was completely made of glass from where I could see a terrace where plants hung from the ceiling, casting shadows to the black furniture.

“Have a seat –Nic told me as Camille disappeared in one of the rooms. - do you want anything to drink?” who was this woman?

“Ah…” I sat

“Oh, but there’s just water, I didn’t bring anything else” a small crease formed between her eyes

“Water´s fine” I said, she’d sounded nervous. She left to the kitchen.

 In front of the couch where I sat, the one opposite the front door, there was a cabinet with a TV and books on top. Over the cabinet, on the wall, there was a large painting, I knew it, well, kind of, it was the picture of a ballerina, I had seen a child ballerina on a page in Burgeoys; this was the same except the ballerina was older. It was Camille dancing. To my left I could see the dining table, it was made of dark wood, behind it, a cupboard of the same dark wood and the wall on the other side had some painting that I could make up from that angle. Nichole came back with the glass of water.

“I´m going to change, I´ll be right back” she said and I stayed there drinking the water and staring at the glass. I had fallen in the rabbit hole, I wasn´t sure who was who.

Nichole really came back quick, didn’t take more than ten minutes. She’d been wearing blue jeans, a t-shirt with a shirt over it, a beanie, her usual boots; her usual outfit. She came back still wearing jeans except that they were black, a ¾ sleeve blazer, a gray top under it and formal shoes.

“Do… do you live here?” I felt a little stupid asking this but it didn’t seem like anybody else lived here, there weren’t things that could belong to anybody else, although I had only seen the living room and part of the dining room.

“Yeah…” she breathed out

“I thought you lived with Marissa…”

“I come here when she has company or during the weekends that I spend with Camille”

“This is your house –I said stupidly, she nodded a little mortified. I didn’t think she ever intended for me to know about that place. I wondered if Marissa knew about it- since when have you lived here?”

“Well… I haven’t lived here for more than a couple of weeks at a time…”

“But you always returned here”

“Yeah… It´s close to Mii’s school and home”

“You didn’t have it before…” I said sure that I would´ve known but maybe I really didn’t know her at all.

“I didn’t have a thing before –she smiled a sad smile and I guessed now that it probably had to with being the heiress of her father, that, I was sure of. Another thought came to me, it meant she’d been 30 minutes away for the last two years; no, it was three years on that day.

“You´ve been 30 minutes away all this time” I said almost to myself, she opened her mouth to talk but Camille came, she was wearing a black dress and a hairband and a sad expression.

“I´m ready” she announced, Nic nodded, I stood up noticing that they were now dressed up and I was not. At least my jeans were dark and the shirt that I wore over my dark green t-shirt was black as well. I was wearing sneakers…I looked down at myself.

“You´re fine like that” Nichole told me as she motioned for us to leave.

According to what Nichole had said we went to a flower shop. Camille did most of the talking.

“What do you think of this one?” she showed Nic a wreath of white flowers

“I like it” Nic replied

“Can I choose another?”

“As many as you want, Mii” we walked behind Camille who observed and smelled the flowers before picking anything

“Pick something for your mom” Camille instructed Nichole

“A bouquet of white Casablanca lilies, please” Nic said to the florist

“Why don’t we send some flowers for Josh´s grandpa?” the little girl tilted her head as she asked her sister, she had a sweet voice

“Sure, baby, pick something” Nic seemed startled at first but it seemed she didn’t say no to her little sister

“Josh, what do you think your grandpa might like?” Mii came closer to me, took me by my arm, it was my turn to be startled, the sisters were nothing alike.

“Well… I don’t think he had a favorite flower” I told Mii

“Ah, do you have a preference?” she asked and I wanted to chuckle

“No, I don’t really have a preference, do you?”

“I like roses and gardenias but I think… I don’t know about roses…”

“How about this one?” I pointed to one with white flowers and bright green leaves, it had some sort of a cross shape.

“That´s pretty” she smiled to me “Nic, this is the one for Josh´s grandpa”

“I like it” she said as we all went to pay for the flowers

“Mii, why don’t you help me with the lilies? Josh and I will take the others as soon as he tells us the address, ok?”

“Yeah, write something nice on the card and sign both our names” the little girl took the car keys and left us.

“Sign your name, please … -Nic said- we don’t have to send them if you don’t want though…”

“It´s ok… -I signed the card, I knew Nic wouldn’t sign her name on it or her sisters- I´ll pay for these” I said, she shook her head

“It´s a gift from Camille… please, accept it” she asked, I nodded, feeling somewhat numb. The little girl brought out a different Nichole. I had seen how much she loved her, how she spoke about her but I guess after seeing a harder side of her behavior stood up even more.

At the graveyard I didn’t want to get out of the car, my stomach twisted and all I could see in my mind was Alexander shooting Karl and Natasha shooting Alexander dead…Nichole leaving me the journal, blood and gunpowder smell. I felt like puking but I pushed it away as I walked slowly behind the two girls. Nic carried the wreath and a bouquet, Mii carried another.

As Nichole had told me, there was Karl´s widow, I recognized her even if I had met her only once, she wore black as well and didn’t really seemed so hurt, next to her there were also Nichole´s step sisters, Jessica and Ashley, they recognized me at once.

“Josh!” both girls said at once and came to hug me, gave me a kiss on the cheek “long time no see!” Jess said

“We missed you!” one of the sisters added cheerfully, I only nodded and smiled, this was the graveyard not a catch up meeting, their cheerfulness seemed out of place to me but I wasn’t at my best so I can´t be sure about my assessment of how cheerful they actually was. Behind them and now next to Karl´s widow, was Natasha Strasberg, she saw me and glanced at Nichole who gave her a look of “don’t say a word”

“Sheryl, this is Joshua Arlington” Nichole introduced me to her step mother

“Arlington…” she furrowed her eyebrows as if trying to make the connection

“Mom –one of her daughters said- remember we went to his party, daddy introduced us once, Mr. Erick Arlington is his dad” they were too cheerful for the occasion

“Oh, yes, I remember you now” Sheryl had Ashley´s smile or maybe it was Jess´ smile “Thank you for joining us”

“You´re welcome…” I didn’t say I was sorry for their loss, I was not.

The two sisters, Nichole and Camille went closer to the place where Karl was, Camille placed the flowers. I noticed Nichole placed only one of the white lilies, bending quickly and stranding up as quickly while Camille knelt down, after a few minutes, Sheryl and her daughters joined them placing the flowers they had.

“Joshua Arlington” Natasha stepped closer to me “I didn’t think I´d see you again” at this Nichole´s head turned to a side as if she´d heard, Natasha smiled her creepy smile

“I didn’t want to see you either”

“Are you and my girl back together?” she raised one of her perfect eyebrows

“Shut up, Natasha” without our notice Nichole had come back. Strasberg looked hurt

“I´m just asking” Natasha replied in that sweet tone she had, I wanted to puke, or to punch her, she´d used that tone as she either hit me or pointed a gun at me

“You´re not coming to dinner” Nichole told her

“Sheryl invited me, Nicky”

“I couldn’t care less”

“But Nicky….I haven’t seen you…” she seemed sad

“No, you´re not coming” Nic shook her head as she interrupted her, the woman looked wounded, then looked at me, looked back at Nic and closed her eyes for a moment, she sighed and went back to her creepy smile, so fast, so easy.

“Ok” she sighed and walked to the others. Like Nichole she only had one flower that she let fall to the grave from where she stood. I stared at her from where I was several feet away. Nic had said she´d make sure Natasha didn’t come, she´d been quite blunt and rude but I couldn’t feel any sympathy for the woman

After a while they came back to where Nic and I were. Strasberg said goodbye. Jess and Ash announced they´d join us for dinner. Nichole sighed.

“So, Josh, what you´ve been up to?” one of Nichole´s stepsister asked. We were not in a restaurant; our orders had just been taken

“I´m in school”

“Oh, what are you studying?”

“I’m in med school”

“A doctor, how cool” one of them said, I smiled

“How´s your twin?” a hint somewhere in her voice

“He´s fine, thanks”

“We´ve got to get together to catch up” one said, not sure now which one, they were similar when they acted this way, finding opportunities to touch my hands or arms, my knee even.

“Sure” another smile from me

“I want dessert” Jess said to Sheryl

“I don’t want to get to Crystals house too late –Nic said, it was surreal that we were eating with these people that hated her before, maybe they had changed too- so Mii, if you don’t mind we´ll skip dessert”

“Can we have it to go?” the little girl said

“Sure” Again, Camille didn’t get a no for an answer. They ordered their desserts

“Josh, Josh” I heard my name, I hadn’t noticed I wasn’t listening

“Yeah?” I looked at Nic

“Want anything?” she asked. I furrowed my eyebrows. Where was I?

“No, thanks” I didn’t want dessert, I just wanted to get out of there

“We can give you a ride home” Ash or Jess offered

“Nichole´s taking me, thanks” I declined

“Ah, I bet she wouldn’t want to have to detour…” one of the sisters said

“He´s coming to Crystals house, Ashley” Nichole replied, the three women gasped and stared at me, then Camille´s mom stared at Nichole

“Don’t worry” Nic said to the woman who narrowed her eyes but when Nichole glared she looked away with a huff, she asked for the check; when it came, Nichole placed the money on the tray they waiter had brought, the money for the other women too. So she paid for them now, were they… a family now? Nichole was that forgiving with people that had actually hurt her? Probably, after all I had also heard she´d been traveling with Vincent… but of course, neither of these people had given her the ability to kill people, I had…

“My…” I took out my walled, Nichole shook her head

“I´ve got it, let´s go” she stood up, Camille did the same and I followed them. Camille said goodbye, hugging and kissing her mother and waving to her other sisters, I just waved. 

another I miss you

I fucking miss you
people want me to meet people
I don´t want to meet new people
I like the people I already know
I miss you like crazy
my mom thinks you´re like my sin
funny, huh?
sin makes me sick
or that´s what everybody´s implying
the interesting part
you´re nothing but a thought in my mind
a memory that is going pale
the judges surely are strict
-sigh
I fucking miss you
I got told I was a straightforward type of person
can you believe that?
I would´ve never guessed that one


****
This was originally written on March 29th 2013, so over a year ago, the day I wrote it I wouldnt have thought I´d publish it, both because it´s not my best and because it´s my naked thoughts but then I said I wanted to publish my "seven days" post which were only on drafts why? so that I was convinced that I had let go and hey! I remember how this felt but it doesnt hurt so, here it is, letting go another page of this story which like my stories felt like a tragedy. Btw, I was looking at this other post under the seven days label tittled "seet little bitch" ouch, huh? I was mad, I want to publish that next, I could´ve done it instead of this one but I guess I still feel some mmm idk something that doesnt let me do it, it´s a  lot like embarrassment, nothing sweet or tender ¬¬

Also, ofc this post had to b about you, it´s post 666 perfect for something related to you. ha!

Though My Eyes: eat me up, kill me now

A/N: I find it very annoying when authors write long long A/N but I dont care, I´ll freaking write huge author´s notes if I want ha! 

I´m feeling a little mmm excited, I think, I´m making this playlist with songs for DL -the few that were there- and for this story. I´ve found that in listening to Josh´s thought, more like in feeling his feels bc he barely ever talks (which is why I´m not sure if Im using the right words to express his feelings) anyway, music plays an important role... and also he likes my undivided attention so I really just need to b focusing in him and music when I write this one... and about music, it´s not even the songs that he likes but if there is music around where he is, it´ll b ok, like there is this future scene, many, in which there was music where he was and there is this one that he doesnt even like but it´s the background of the whole scene, or at least of the beginning of it and it my mind it fits even if he doesnt like the song or the singer hahaha 

Also, I was thinking of how Saku says this story is not really about him but about the girls -that she hates lol- and as I added this one song to the playlist... yeah, I agree but it´s what he sees, what he wants to see... I didnt even want to write it but he kept feeding my brain with his images... so yeah, I´m just doing what he wants and let me tell you he´s so erratic, he jumps from scene to scene and I just have such a hard time going back to the mood of the one before bc most of the times he doesnt give me time to finish it.... but it´s let me discover that, he´s no longer here, I mean, he´s just telling me what already happened, he´s way in the future, like he´s probably already and old man (for what the last images are) and he´s just telling me the story of his youth... it´s quite strange... he´s hard to understand, I dont think I´ve ever had such a character but I´ve never taken interest into a character like him before so that´s probably why he´s complicated for me bc this whole thing is new and that makes scared but kind of excited like this part I was writing yesterday... awww I liked it, it was sad but I liked it hahaha -ofc- lol

long long and boring author note is over

ah no, wait,

Dio mio!= oh, my god!

Ho dimenticato= I forgot...! 

Scusi!=sorry

********

“Do you wanna come up for a while?” Marissa invited me to her apartment. I smiled, I had never been invited but this was after the log house so I guessed it had to do with that.

“Sure” I said and she smiled brighter. We walked up the stairs hand in hand up to the third floor

“Hope you don’t mind the stairs” she said when we were on the second flight of stairs. I snorted and shook my head; she laughed “It´s good leg exercise” she winked

“Do you always take the stairs?”

“When I´m not in a hurry” she chuckled

She stopped at apartment 38 and opened the door. The place looked small. To my left there were doors that I assumed were their bedrooms, at the end of the rectangular space there was a window of half the size of the wall, there was a drawing tables against that wall, and on top of it canvases and paint cans, there were also two tall stools and two wooden easels. Against the wall next to the one with the windows there were pieces of colored cardboard and rolls of paper, more paint and brushes, small pieces of wood as well.

Right in front of us there was a blue couch, it seemed to have some stains of perhaps a drink or two that had been spilled on it, to its right there was an armchair, to its left a black leather ottoman with a small pile of books, in the middle of this arrangement there was a light brown coffee table with random drawings varying from stick figures to art-school quality type of drawings, there were also words written in the same random pattern, all done with a black marker, I assumed the guilty was the sharpie on the table.

“We like doodling on that” Marissa giggled as I read some of the words:

 “Hate you!!!”  There was the drawing of a broken heart next to it

“Here and there, I want you everywhere… Come to me, eat me up… kill me now” This looked like some kind of poem, it wasn’t in either girl´s handwriting so I guessed the guests also liked to write on the coffee table

“December 12^{th “}A date, a reminder of a birthday

“Carina” in Nic´s small handwriting

“Take me home” and “let me in…” those two in someone else´s handwriting as well, the last one had the drawing of a door next to it, a lot of detail in it.

“You can write something if you want” Marissa motioned for us to sit, I furrowed my eyebrows, I didn’t get why they liked their furniture ruined, even if some drawings were good.

“No, it´s ok” I leaned back on the couch. In front of it, against the wall there was a TV on a table, next to the TV there were more books, on the shelf below it there was a DVD player and a laptop, on the bottom shelf there was a microwave, it was odd. The walls of the place were bare, painted white. I had imagined a more artistic place or even bigger, this was pretty small, just enough space to live. Marissa sat next to me and moved closer snuggling herself against my side.

“So…” she started, I looked at her “What do you think?” I guess it had been obvious that I had been checking out the place, I shook my head

“Your walls are boring” I said, she laughed

“I know, we never have time to change the color or to put anything on it”

“All art goes to that corner” I pointed at my back, towards the drawing table

“Exactly” she gave me a quick kiss, I smiled and returned the kiss which was what we did for a while, slow and almost sleepily

“Are you falling asleep?” I asked Marissa after a while; it was beyond me to understand how she could do that

“Sorry, sorry –she kissed me again- it´s just that with work and projects this week I haven’t slept much” she explained, she did look tired and I knew that as part of her scholarship she had to help in the office of her art faculty and in the library on weekends and of course keep her grades high to keep the scholarship

“You can take a nap” I offered

“No –she pouted- I asked you to come up not for you to just watch me sleep. I want to spend time with you”

“I don’t mind, maybe I´ll take a nap too” I smiled, I could do that, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t tired

“You´re just saying that –she started to shift, placing herself at my side, my arm around her shoulders- so that I don’t feel like a jerk for falling asleep on you”

“You´re tired, you can go to sleep.  I truly don’t mind”

“You´re too nice” she closed her eyes and I did the same as I tried to fall asleep but it seemed I just couldn’t. I just kept opening my eyes and looking around, at the coffee table and the bare walls. We were alone, she had told me her roommate, Nichole, wasn’t around and that she´d come later in the evening. After the conversation at the coffee shop the other day I wondered what face she´d made if she found me here. I was here first so she couldn’t know; she´d be surprised unless Marissa had told her. I shook my head, this didn’t matter.

Marissa was already asleep and I just couldn’t fall asleep and I was getting bored but didn’t want to wake her up so I reached for one of the books on the ottoman, careful not to wake up Marissa and not to drop the other books. I just took the first of the pile, it was about Greek Mythology, there was a bookmark on the story about Prometheus; I knew this story, at least what it was about. The bookmark wasn’t really a bookmark but a piece of paper with the drawing of some crows on it, very detailed crows, one on a branch, one flying and one in the distance, it made me want to read the story so I read it.  At the end of it there was another slip of paper with another drawing, it was of a hand with a flame coming from it, I think it was Prometheus giving fire to human kind.

I continued looking at the book, trying to see if there were more drawings, there was only one more and it was not an interesting one, just a squared simple box. I wondered what it was, the myth it bookmarked was the one about Echo, so it didn’t seem to be related, I knew because I read it and then the next one and the one before, it didn’t relate to those either.

I was still looking at the simple image when I heard a key in the door. I looked up and as expected there was the other person that inhabited this place, she immediately saw me, reigning surprise, I knew because there was a pause in her entering as she took in my presence, Marissa on my side, the book in my hand and the slip of paper in the other. She closed the door.

“Hi” I mouthed and smiled, she nodded and walked towards the coffee table, she was carrying a plastic bag

“You can have her portion” she put the plastic bag on the coffee table and took out two of the boxes, it was Chinese food, the smell told me so. I blinked. She had brought Marissa food and now she was giving it to me. I started to shake my head no, she raised an eyebrow, I was still holding onto the book and the slip of paper and then I realized…

“Oh, is this yours?” I put the slip of paper back and looked at the first page of the book, her handwriting and initials on it told me that, indeed, it was hers “sorry I didn’t know…” I put it on the pile of books

“It’s just a book –she lightly shrugged- they’re to be read” she started to retire, to her room, I guessed

“What’s the box?” I asked before she left, still half whispering, not wanting to awake Marissa

“Food?” she raised both eyebrows and I chuckled, it was funny, she thought I spoke of the bag and the Chinese food when I meant the drawing

“No, the one in the book” I clarified, she fought a smile

“Pandora´s box”

“Looks pretty simple…” I frowned, if it was that infamous box, it should´ve looked mysterious not like just a box

“Simple stuff tends to be complicated” she said, I furrowed my eyebrows, she seemed to be speaking of more than just the box but before I could say anything Marissa stirred giving the chance to Nichole to walk away

“Nini…?” Marissa sat up and turned back to her roommate

“Yeah?” Nichole had stopped. This was the first time I had seen them together. Marissa blinked as if she wasn’t sure who her roommate was. She turned to look at me

“What time is it?” Mari asked as she tied her hair in a pony tail

“Seven” Nichole replied before I could. Wow.

“Oh, mio Dio! Ho dimenticato…” she started in her native language

“Not Italians” Nic interrupted her motioning her finger from her to me, I chuckled, I found it endearing that she was so sleepy that she´d forgotten we couldn’t understand, Mari´s eyes grew big for a second

“Scusi! I´m sorry, Josh! I´m sorry I wasn’t planning to actually falling asleep, you must be so bored and sore” she told me with blushed cheeks as I stretched, she´d finally sat up

“It´s fine” I said even if I was frowning, my arm had fallen asleep

“Sorry –she told me again- Nini, you brought food” she focused on the coffee table

“Didn’t tell me you had company” Nic told her, not a reproach, just a fact, feelings don’t know of facts though.

“I was just leaving” I stood up

“No –Marissa pouted- stay, we´ll watch a movie, movie night tonight, please” she took my hand in hers, I quickly looked at Nichole, I didn’t want to impose my presence there “Nini, help me convince him” Marissa told her, Nic raised an eyebrow

“I think your drool is telling him to go” she teased Marissa

“I don’t drool!” she replied offended as she surreptitiously checked my shirt anyway

“Josh, please, stay –Marissa pleaded- we´ll order food, let me make it up to you. I shouldn’t have used you like a pillow, you´re a good one by the way” she gave me a quick kiss

“Will it be ok? Seems like you had plans” I said, Nic had gone into her room

“Yeah, the plan was to invite you to movie night, I just happened to fall asleep and forgot to tell you and Nini… pleeeeease, Josh, yeah, tell me you´ll stay?”

“Ok” I smiled; she smiled brightly and kissed me once again

“Nichole, come on out, movie!” she raised her voice

“Changing” I heard the other girl´s voice. Marissa asked for pizza and I just sat there a little uncomfortable, I both wanted and didn’t want to be there, I guessed Nichole didn’t wanted me there either although she hadn’t say anything, not like Marissa had given her a chance either. Her usual rehearsed manners from when she was just enduring something were dulled, not entirely there; they were mixed halfway with her more real ones, new ones maybe.

Nichole came out of her room at the same time that Mari put a DVD. She´d brought three water bottles from somewhere and placed them on the coffee table and sat on the armchair. She was now wearing pajama pants, a white t-shirt under a black sweater

“I don’t want water” Mari complained coming back to her seat next to me

“Go get your stuff yourself then” Nic replied in monotone “what are we watching?”

“The Bourne movies” Mari replied not going anywhere to change her water bottle into something else. Nic wrinkled her nose

“Again?”

“Can’t put a chick flick, can I?” Mari motioned to me

“I´m fine with anything” I said, Nic snorted

“She´s just using you as excuse, she loves those movies” she rolled her eyes and started to eat

“Have you seen them?” Mari asked

“Only the first one” I said, I am not into sagas, they´re never as good as the first one

“Cool, then we´re watching from the second one” she handed me one of the food boxes “We´ll share until the pizza comes” she said with a smile. And then, in a warning voice “No talking during the movie” she said to no one in particular as she pushed the play button. We were all silent after that. Nichole watched the movie without looking away once.

Thirty minutes later, the pizza man came, I said I´d pay for it but Mari didn’t let me, the three of us ended up splitting the bill

“You should´ve let me pay” I opened the box

“Shhh, no talking during the movie” she kissed me once and then once more after seeing my narrowed eyes.

After a while, after we were done eating, we heard the sound of a candy wrapper coming from Nic´s direction

“Gimme” Mari extended her hand, Nic searched in her sweater´s pocket and threw her a mini chocolate and then another, Mari gave me one. “I want a minty lollipop” Mari extended her hand again

“I´m already eating it” Nic stated the obvious

“It´s ok, gimme…” she insisted, it seemed to be ok to talk when she did the talking, I shook my head

“No”

“Nini, you know I rather have the lollipop than the chocolate –Nichole only shrugged, not even looking at her- ok, give me another then, I know you have more”

“Eat the chocolate”

“If you don’t wanna get up, I’ll go get it”

“No talking during the movie” Nic mimicked the way Mari had said it to me, accent and everything, Mari laughed quietly

“Josh wants one too –she lied- how about you give one to him?” Mari insisted, she had a teasing tone, Nic didn’t reply, I guessed I wasn’t the only one that didn’t get answers at times.

“Was she always such a weirdo –Mari asked me- I don’t know why she treats those tiny lollipops as if they were treasures, she doesn’t even let me touch them” Mari laughed

“Shut up, Marissa” Nic had an annoyed tone in her voice, the girl just giggled as one of the lollipops hit the side of her head and fell to her lap. I noticed the wrapper; there were the ones I had bought her for her birthday, both when I knew we were in the same school and back in Burgeoys.

“Thank you, jerk –Mari pocked her tongue at Nichole whose eyes were glued to the TV screen- do you want one?” she said to me

“I´m fine” I smiled noticing a sigh from Nichole. It seemed like Mari liked to tease her and for once she didn’t seem mad about it, she was still there, although I don’t think she liked Mari telling the part about the little candies being treasures, I wondered if she wondered if I had had noticed… I knew they were the same; they were exclusively made in that bakery, although she could´ve bought some on her own; she knew the place…close to my parents’ home…

When the movie ended Nichole stood up to put the next movie, Mari was snuggled against me and by the end of that second movie Mari had fallen asleep again. I felt drowsy too, especially with being in silence and with dimmed lights. Nichole turned the lights on, the TV off and shook her head when she saw Marissa

“Can you take her to her room? –she tilted her head, I raised my eyebrows, slightly concerned- she won’t wake up… her bed´s more comfortable than that couch” she shrugged. I stared for a second or two too long and then slowly I moved away and carried Mari to her room, Nichole opened it and turned on the lights.

On the way in there were shoes scattered around, clothes on the desk chair and pictures of people and places over the desk, which was covered with papers and sketches, the bedside table was covered with jewelry.  I placed Mari on her unmade bed and covered her up to the shoulders.

“Do you need help?” I asked Nichole, she was in the little living room, clearing the coffee table of the boxes and bottles

“I got it”

“Alright, I´ll be going” I announced taking my backpack from the floor; she only nodded as she placed the bottles and the Chinese food boxes on the bag. It was a tense moment, as if only because of Mari she´d reigned her new dislike of me, it was so weird that in the texts it felt sort of normal and whenever we were face to face it was like she didn’t like me at all. I preferred talking face to face instead of texts or calls.

“Do you make yourself tolerate all her dates?” I huffed, she raised an eyebrows

“I don’t make myself do anything…”

“Really? Because you were tense all through the movie” I sighed, she raised an eyebrow

“Did you stare at me all through the movie? I don’t think Marissa will appreciate that” she said with calmed, measured tone, I snorted

“I don’t need to stare at you to know”

“Is that so?” she tilted her head to a side

“Not once you looked away from the movie”

“I like the movie” a light shrug

“No once you said a thing”

“No talking during the movie” once again she imitated Marissa

“You never stay fixated in one thing, specially a movie, you always look away, daydream at times” I told her, I knew, we´d watched movies at Burgeoys, she either talked about whatever movie we were watching or let it go to the back of her mind, today she had been too focused on it. Her brow wrinkled a tiny bit and she stared at me, we were silent for a while

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” I broke the silence

“I hadn’t expected to see you”

“So, that’s a yes, -I sighed, she said nothing- I won’t come up here anymore” I said adjusting my backpack strap on my shoulder

“Because of me? –she asked with a slightly raised eyebrow- if Marissa wants you here and you want to be here, come, this is her place too” she shrugged

“And you´ll make yourself tolerate me?” now I raised my eyebrow, she sat on the coffee table

“She asked me to stay to movie night because we know each other” she motioned between us as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear “I was the guest, I was meddling in your plans not you”

“You shouldn’t accept it if it makes you uncomfortable”

“I don’t have a reason to not want to hang out with an ex-classmate, do you?” she asked, ouch, I thought, she hadn’t used the word friend

“But you…” I started, thinking, just ex-classmates, huh?

“Unless you told her she doesn’t know about … -she wiggled her gloved fingers- she´s been wanting to know about my past since we met, I think she’ll ask you about what you know about me like she’s asked me what I know about you… I don’t have to tell her everything but it’d be … -she trailed off- hard to keep… details… and why wouldn’t I want to hang out with you?” her voice was quiet

“What have you told her?”

“You and I were classmates, just that…”

“She hasn’t really asked me anything about you” I said she looked relieved

“Good”

“I wouldn’t…” I was about to assure her that no matter what and how mad or not I might be I wouldn’t give away her secrets, ours either

“I know” she interrupted

“So you´ll just be uncomfortable every time I come?”

“I think she´ll mostly take you to her room… -I guessed that was not a secret- and if she wants movie nights…. You´re ok” she shrugged lightly

“It´ll feel like a …” lie, I thought, she nodded as if she knew what I was thinking

“Monsters hide in darkness…” she sighed and then inhaled deeply, she sounded tired

“I´m sorry…” I took a step forward, closer

“Not your fault. You don’t keep stuff from people –the left side of her mouth curled up in some kind of sad smile, I wanted to say that I did, sometimes, but I didn’t say anything. We stared for a moment, neither of us saying a word.

I wondered how much Marissa knows of Nichole, I wondered if there is anyone that actually knows her, if there is anyone that she allows to know her. It is hard to pretend and keep secrets. I have only one, my phobia and tough it´s not exactly as big as hers, it´s tiring to have to keep it to myself, to go around it. Nichole’s eyes closed for a second as if she was falling asleep and I snapped out of my thoughts.

“Good night, Nichole” I walked to the door

“Good night, Joshua” her voice was right behind me, it startled me. I went out of their place and heard the lock turn. I sighed and walked away wondering what I´ll say if Marissa asks me about Nichole, about how well we knew each other. 

Through my eyes: Art Critic

A/N: he´s so sweet! 

btw: Ben fatto!: well done and Sí, tesoro: yes, sweetheart

****

If music was my thing, painting was Marissa´s thing. A few of my friends from college said we were an artistic couple, once they´ve found out through Marissa that I played the guitar. Some had said I should´ve gone to Art school instead of Med school, seemed like people were set in my musical career but that was fine, I like arts too which was why I was going now to one of her exhibitions for a class.

It was strange that she and I had never gone to any art museum or art exhibition; this would be the first time. I had thought that it´d be redundant to take her to places she knew or to see things she´d seen before but  we´d gone to concerts of music I had already heard and sung and knew and it was still a great experience. Next time I´ll think about taking her to the art museum, maybe even to one of aunt Liz galleries.

“We made a little experiment with Nini –Marissa said as we entered the room- we decided to paint on the other´s usual style –she smiled- the tricky part is that we´ve never done this and this is our final for this subject”

“You’re experimenting with something that big?” I knew my eyes were wide because she giggled

“Yeah!”

“Why?”

“It’s fun and exciting”

“What if you can’t make it?” it was such a reckless idea

“We did our best and we can always take the subject again. We’re already artists” she winked, these sounded like Nichole’s words…I wanted to frown, disapprove the idea but I didn’t say that.

“But you’re on a scholarship”

“Details –she waived her hand as if it wasn’t much- now –she said- did you ever see any of her works?”

“Yeah” of course I had, I even had many of her paintings and drawings

“Great! –she clapped her hands three times- these works don’t have a visible signature, so your job is to find my painting and hers” she kissed my cheek.

“I’m part of the game too?” I shook my head

“Sí, tesoro” she nodded as she winked “no fun without you” she had a playful smile on her face; I just shook my head again. I had seen some of what she did, she didn´t carry a drawing pad everywhere and didn’t draw on every surface available but she was very good, she did doodle cartoons on some of my notebooks but she said she liked the abstract art the best.

What she was asking me now was nothing new, not much, she was always playing and it was somewhat fun especially after my long hours at the hospital, so I complied. If was her I wouldn’t have made a game of my grade but if she wanted to take risks with her future she could do it… it might be a show of confidence in her skills, that was ok… or so I wanted to believe.

Together we went through the room observing the different paintings in the room, they were very diverse, the place didn’t seem to have a theme or maybe they did and I didn’t notice which one it was, I asked Mari about this and she said it was related to whom got the best attendance during the class, those got the best spots. We stopped when I spotted a lake. I knew it was something Nic would paint. I took Nichole as the reference because I felt I knew her style better. The lake was the one in which I had seen her for the first time in school. This painting was all gray, cold. Nic always seemed to like green leaves or moon lit landscapes but maybe that had changed

“I think this is yours” I said to Marissa

“Are you sure about that?” she eyed me with a smile tugging at her lips

“Yes, I am sure”

“Really? And what makes you so confident about it, Mr. Arlington?” she said as if challenging me but her smile couldn’t be suppressed

“Well, -I made it as if I was adjusting my non-existing glasses and she giggled- I´ve noticed that miss. Lucheti –I used her last name- is going through a hot color period which would be inconsistent with this painting which I’ve been told is probably opposite to what she´d usually do –I smiled and she giggled- also, the artist prefers working with abstract themes and this, as her challenge said is the opposite, the most opposite of abstract as you can get but then, miss. Lucheti is there, why would she go ahead and paint this cold almost frozen lake, what does it say of her, what is that feeling of  peace and quietness that it gives when it should make us shiver? It´s a cold place but somehow you feel warm” I explained without mentioning Nichole only Marissa’s style or what I guessed it could be.

“Ben fatto, tesoro!” She was satisfied. I was rewarded with a quick hug and kiss and then she urged me to find Nichole´s. We went to the next room, where the less privileged spots were, apparently, she still had a thing for skipping classes. I saw her painting as soon as I entered.

“That one” I said as soon as we got close to it

“Why that one?”

“The lines –I started- the same hard lines and confident strokes –I took a step closer to the large painting, almost from ceiling to floor- not her usual colors but that must be her interpretation of your style –I saw the tittle of the picture: The Hunt- definitelya topic she´d choose –I said- there’s the aggressiveness and violence she’d give to that. The blood –I pointed to the red spots, it was after all an abstract painting- is central but the rest, the how is also important –I motioned to the rest- some green’s there, hope, maybe” I finished and stepped back to see the whole painting one more time

“Nini, you have a fan here!” I heard Marissa said and I was startled by the name, I turned around

“He pays attention, he´ll soon know your ways” she said to Marissa but looked at me

“You´re right, he gave a satisfactory critic to mine, very professional” she winked

“I bet” Nichole nodded and excused herself, she was originally going to the other room, the one we´d come from. I wondered how I had said all that about her work, I had never actually thought of those things before, maybe listening to aunt Lizzy made me say all that.

Mari made me tell her my thoughts on many other paintings as well, she didn’t only want a “it´s good” but something like I had said for hers or Nichole´s painting. I told her I didn’t know a thing about the authors of those paintings, that many I just didn’t like, too dark or they didn’t make much sense to me and some were just nice, something you´d place on the back wall of the dining room, she laughed at that.

“That´s cruel, Mr. Arlington but I agree with you…” she told me why she agreed and some critics of her own to some of her classmates’ works. I hadn’t been cruel, just real, she told me how some of the works had been made by other people or with the assistance of some other people and that she hoped the teacher noticed.

“It wouldn’t be fair that those got sold and not the ones that are actually done by the artist” she commented with a frown

“Are you selling these works?”

“Yeah, starting tomorrow, it´ll be open to the public but they have invited people interested in art, gallery owners and philanthropists, collectors, people who might be interested in buying… We´re aware that not all of the works will be bought, maybe only a few will be but it´d be cool to sell mine” she smiled

“But you´ve already sold your work, you made a living of that” I reminded her

“Yeah, but it´s not the same, those were tourist and I was part of the memory, you know, the Italian kid painting their portrait, this would be just about how much my art can touch people”

“Even if it was an experiment?” I arched my eyebrows, she scoffed

“Sí, I should be able to cause some emotion in the people that see my work, even if it´s not what I´m more confident doing it, it´d make it better because it´s not my usual thing… It´d be cool even if they bought it to be put in the dining room” she pouted and I chuckled

“Your painting won’t end in a dining room” I assured her making a mental note to come tomorrow and buy her painting, I wouldn’t hang it on the dining room, I could place it in the study back home or maybe even in my room.