Through my eyes: I see you

A/N: this was a pain for my eyes and wrist... so, here´s for the love to art ...right ...lol (maybe not even that good, I´m not sure about it) 

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It was a Tuesday morning, a little after nine, in a little over an hour I had to go back to classes; in the meantime I was in the coffee shop just outside school drinking a vanilla cappuccino with a book and a notebook out, occasionally highlighting parts of the book or taking notes.

After a while of this I squeezed my eyes, forcing them to focus. As I was about to continue my reading something caught my eye. I was on the table on the left side of the shop, a pillar partially covered the view from the counter to the table but I had a clear view of it and the cashier and of the person standing there… she had caught my attention.

I tried not to stare too intently, she´d always been able to tell when I was staring at her back although I had never known how. Now I tried my hardest and hoped the pillar covered me. She was wearing a black sweater, probably a size or two too big and dark gray jeans that clung to her legs. At that, I saw her turn slightly back and I guessed I had been discovered. When she turned around with her tray, she walked my way. I hadn’t been discovered. She paused in her track once she saw me; there was a very tiny wrinkle between her eyebrows. I smiled, nodded once and motioned for her to come and sit at my table. She quickly looked around; there weren’t empty tables close to where she was. I wondered if she´d ignore me to go find another place. I didn’t doubt she could balance her cup of coffee and her food far even if her messenger bag strap threatened to slip from her shoulder.

We had texted a couple of times and occasionally saw each other at the park but we didn’t talk, she was never close enough for us to talk, not like she´d b if she sat with me. I had requested her friendship, she didn’t say no to that, not really, but she didn’t make any efforts towards being friends again. Right now as she walked towards me, even despite her gracious walk, she looked cautious, like someone that goes through dangerous paths but knows that she has to go through it, endure it, it was to me a strange thing, I was not a scary person so in a way it amused me but it also hurt me. She really didn’t want to be around me, not this close, at least.

“Josh” she greeted placing her tray on the table and unloading her things. I noticed she carried another, a tube like thing, some kind of quiver-looking case but longer and thinner

“Hello, Nic” I cleared the table of my backpack, she smiled as she sat. I noticed it was one of her rehearsed smiles, a pleasant, friendly one that for me lacks emotion and does nothing to warm her eyes “how are you?”

“Doing good” she sipped her coffee and I knew she was not going to say anything else but I know her too well to even be offended by that, I bet she can make conversation flow, a small talk, some rehearsed interaction like those smiles of hers but the real her just can’t carry one, or at least the Nichole I used to know didn’t, unless you made her, provoked her into sharing thoughts.

“What´s that?” I pointed to the leather quiver-looking object that she´d placed on the extra chair along with her bag and with my backpack

“It’s a blueprint tube. I carry drawings that are bigger than a page there –she explained once I raised my eyebrows- it prevents them from getting folded and it makes them convenient to carry”

“Looks like a quiver” I said and a smile threatened to appear on her face “or a sword sheath” I continued and she hid a smile behind her cup of coffee

“I hadn’t seen you here before at this time” she commented and I wonder if she said it so that she knows if I´ll keep coming to avoid me or if it´s just a comment. She brings out my most paranoiac-self… I tell myself it´s justified.

“My class got cancelled, I was hungry” I explained

“You’re alone” she said in her usual economy of words. I knew that she was referring to all the other times when she´d seen me here, there was always someone with me, friends, classmates or both

“I needed to finish some reading” I tapped my book, she nodded taking a bit of her croissant “I´ve finished now” I added because I knew she´d use that as an excuse for no conversation. She didn’t say anything

“You seemed surprised to see me” I went for what I wanted to say, her eyes went from her coffee; that she was drinking, to me, like a soft sweep over my face

“Yes” she admitted

“I never managed to surprise you before” I smiled with humor

“True” she said and the slight twitch of her eyebrows told me this bothered her

“I thought you had seen me” I said, she raised her eyebrow “at the counter, when you were standing there, you turned this way” I explained, she grinned a mischievous smile

“I´m used to being stared at now…” she shrugged lightly

“So it´s easier for people to sneak up on you?” I asked remembering the other night when she´d fallen right in front of me. She paused for a second, smile gone.

“No” she tilted her head slightly downwards, he eyes still on me but with a tiny flicker of doubt, like  when she didn’t know whether to answer or not

“Easier for me to sneak up on you?” I said playfully and her mouth twitched ever so slightly, annoyance perhaps, she quickly went to a relaxed expression

“I don’t think so” she smiled that friendly smile that didn’t trick me. I knew her, as she well knew I had stared at her face and everything else so hard that I knew better, maybe she never noticed I actually saw her expressions and not just the pretty face

“It´s happened twice” I reminded her

“Yes” she said after slowly taking a deep breath

“So, it could happen again”

“You didn’t sneak up on me in neither of those occasions” she said in a calm tone, my point stood though and that she used more than a yes or a no proved it

“You were surprised, I don’t think it ever happened before” I drank from my own coffee; she chewed her food “Does it happen more now?” I asked she lifted an eyebrow “being surprised?”

“Planning to surprise me?” eyebrow still raised, I chuckled, and it was so much like her to try to deflect my questions, it was like a strange game.

“Just wondering”

“Ah”

“You didn’t answer” I reminded her after a minute

“No” she agreed but didn’t say anything more

“Were you avoiding Marissa the other night?” I asked, I hadn’t exactly planned to ask this, she didn’t make any expression, she´d expected this.

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know, that´s why I ask”

“Why?”

“You jumped from the front of the building to pretty much a pool of light” I said, I couldn’t make out anything from her expression, other than what I knew already, this expression meant more deflecting of my questions, taking me further and further from getting any answer

“How did you get to that conclusion? I do have a bedroom with a working lock, you know” she smirked

“Marissa wouldn’t let a lock stop her” I said and she grinned, a real amused grin, she agreed

“Did she have something in mind that night?” she asked, no real interest, I knew, just distracting me

“You haven’t answered any of my questions” I reminded her

“No” she agreed again

“Are you going to?”

“What do you think?” a little smirk behind the cup of coffee. I sighed

“you never answer my questions –I sighed leaning back on the chair, combing my hair with my fingers- no matter how big or small the answer is, I always get a wall” I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds, when I opened them her lips were slightly pursed, tensed shoulders, she was eyeing her croissant, not eaten enough to go

“Will you ever answer any of my questions” I said feeling a lot frustrated and defeated, she didn’t look up but took her time to take a sip of her coffee once she swallowed she licked her lips

“The ones I owe you” she barely moved her lips to speak the words, now she was looking at me, piercing gaze, calmed expression, straight back, composed posture. I sighed, it sounded like I was forcing her but I guess I could ask now. I frowned

“Were you avoiding her?”

“I don’t owe you that answer” her rehearsed pleasant smile

“You don’t have to…” I started to say she didn’t really owe me a thing but I stopped once she raised her eyebrows like saying “will you lose your chance” but maybe that was just my imagination

“Where did you go the other night?” I asked to prove if she´d answer anything of if she´d said the annoying phrase again, it´d make me snap. She just shook her head as she chewed. I sighed

“Why were you never surprised to see me?” I asked, she raised an eyebrow as if saying that’s been established

“I had never seen you at this time before” she easily replied and I guessed she´d answer anything related to me

“I could never surprise you before” I said again

“No” she relaxed, leaned back on her chair, looked at me

“Why?” I asked, her shoulders moved back a little as if adjusting herself better

“You were sitting” this confused me

“The other night I wasn’t”

“No” she agreed, she could be so weird, literal sometimes, I guessed she´d only answer if I asked directly, it almost made me laugh, it felt again like it was a strange game that both amused me and upset me

“Why did you get surprised then?”

“I didn’t know you were there”

“You didn’t know before either, I never let you know, how could you tell?”

“You´re loud” she smirked

“No, I´m not” I narrowed my eyes, she shrugged

“How did you know then and not now, not at the woods? Not at the building? Not today?”

“I used to be there before you”

“What does that mean?”

“Think about it –she said rolling her eyes, I waited, she sighed- I was there before you, then you somehow got to wherever I happened to be”

“You saw me?” I asked, I knew she had amazing eyesight but still, she was usually facing the other way, she considered my question for a moment

“I can see you even if you can’t see me” I knew. Just because you can’t see light it doesn’t mean that there is not, she´d told me once

“I saw you first today, why?” I added the direct question at the end, since only that way made her reply. She sighed

“You were here” she said almost through gritted teeth

“Yes, but how does that make it different? You just said you see me even when I don’t” I wondered if she was going to ignore the question, she nodded

“How…?” I started to ask; she closed her eyes and breathed in and out slowly, once before opening her eyes

“I couldn’t hear you” she said and I furrowed my eyebrows

“Before, you seemed to know I was there from a distance, I´m not loud, even if you say I am” I said, she sighed

“For someone that remembers a lot you´ve forgotten a lot too… -she said- I thought you´ve read that little book I gave you or at least remembered you already asked all about this before” she said almost like a reproach, I strained my brain to remember

“When?”

“Camille’s ballet presentation. Nat was coming” she said almost reluctantly and I remembered, that time she´d pushed me inside a bathroom and had placed her hand against my mouth as she pressed me against the wall next to the door and leaned her head to it. She´d said she´d heard the woman, I assumed her “clack, clack, clack” heels

“My shoes do not make a sound” she said nothing “How do you know?”

“You do make sounds even if normal people don’t listen, I do. I know. Don’t you know, at home, the sound of your mom´s steps from your dad´s or your brother´s even if you can’t see them right away” she asked and I got it, I could but I had spent years with them not a few months

“Do you know the sound of my steps?” I knew the answer

“Yeah” she made no sounds

“Do you know other people sounds?” she shrugged, I couldn’t be sure what that meant; regardless of that this was an interesting discovery

“The first time I saw you in school–I remembered suddenly- you were there first, I walked your way; you seemed surprised then, why?” I said it quick as if I didn’t want it to be forgotten

“It had rained, you walked on the grass, I wasn’t expecting… listening for you” she started to gather her things, coffee and food finished

“If you had been listening for me would you have known?”

“Yes” she was quickly adjusting her messenger bag

“Do you listen for me?” I stared at her

“It´s automatic…”

“But you said…” I interrupted

“I know now that you´re here, it´s automatic now” she said almost in a mumble and then “I have to go” she walked by me

“Hey, I didn’t…” I was about to take her hand but she recoiled quickly as if burnt, she composed in a second

“I owe it to you” she repeated my words, not angry, not with resentment, like a fact, voice with a tinge of sadness and helplessness “goodbye” she gave me that pleasant fake smile, I wondered if it stood out so much because I know it is not real or because it wasn’t well placed after her other words, either way I hated it. I avoided staring at her leaving; instead I went over this conversation, over my discoveries, over her reactions, the few I had gotten. Should I keep this “owing” thing going further to get answers? I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to force her but I felt compelled to know, to find out and she was so guarded, even more now. I glanced at my watch, I had to leave too.