my hero!

I can´t let this day pass without some acknoledgement...and though I wanted it to be way better, I still don't want it to be another day.

So the end of Nov, which, btw, is my fav month. For 3 years now its been another reason why it´s my favorite and that is because of the Writing month challenge in which dedicated and awesome -maybe not all- writers write a 50000 word story.

my dear friend, Saku´s been doing it for two years, three years this year and she´s done it amazingly! I´ve had the great delight to read every single day those two past years and this year's been sad because I couldnt do it but I know that she´s done it great and one day I´ll read -if she let me- all those amazing words and all of the other post I´ve missed. I miss reading it ...but that´s not the point here...

The point is that Yay!!! congratulations Saku!!!! you're awesome!!!!!! Im so proud of you!!

mmmmm so, I had two images and I liked them both so this has two versions haha -also, the idea was that I´d have many more quotes but these are some of my favorite and some things you said about them too ^^ -it´s not much but I hope you like it

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B_HY3PDfTc1naUp1dV9yeFNQaDg/edit

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B_HY3PDfTc1nb1Ntb0ZLektNTHM/edit

Speaking hearts

"Good night, I love you." A message sent through air and waves. She meant it, she felt it.
"Right.... -on the other side of the box, she rolled her eyes- just a bunch of words..." she sighed, she didn´t trust the three words even if she also felt it...

Their hearts just didn´t speak the same language.

When I miss you

If everybody died and she survived, I´d be happy.

my days are too boring without her

She´s light, she´s color and rainbows

when she´s not with me I just breath, 

becoming another wall, another one of the tiles, another furniture

my smile, my voie and peace are gift only she can produce

one day

The day will come when we won't have to cry,

When the only pain will be in our bellies after laughing too much

The day will come when we see only sunrise, and the sun won't hurt our eyes and it will not burn our skin

The day will come when our dreams won't be anymore, they'll be our life;

Nightmares will be over, the memory of a life that's so deep in the past that it might just be a legend

The day will come when our hearts will be light as a feather and songs will burst out of our chest

I have seen that day, it's in my mind, it is not a story, it is not a dream, it is a fact. The clock's ticking, taking us closer to the moment we long for

It is right ahead in our path, waiting for us to arrive, at the right time, when we are supposed to, right when all the planets align and the stars shine and the sun forgets whether it's rising up or sinking in

The time will come

Oct 2014

**** The funny thing is that I get these moments in which I glimpse these things and then... pain comes and life happens... And it's just a dream but I guess that when I wrote it, the few minutes it took me to do it, when it poured out of my mind, I believed it, I saw it

sweet child.

Tomorrow you start a new phase in your life.

It feels like a little goodbye.

Your little hands couldn't be trusted upon me. That is sad.

But I know you'll be better that way.

You'll learn all sorts of things.

Maybe tomorrow you can tell me about them with your candid words;

I'll be so proud of you

Even if you are not mine

'Cause I love you so much

Tomorrow, at this time, you'll enter a new world

But you already had a glimpse of it

And you took it in stride

All confidence and curiosity,

You remind me so much of another sweet child I love.

Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be worried about you

And I'll be wondering if you feel lonely,

If you are crying, if you're scared

If you are hungry for a familiar face

I'll be wanting so bad to go to you and rescue you from my imaginary worries

Tomorrow, at the end of the day

I'll want to know all about your conquest and your success

And all about your tears and your fears

I'll long to hug you and tell you I'm so proud of you

That you're a brave, sweet child

That no matter how many others have done it already,this time is unique and especial,

Because it is you

So many quests await you,

So many journeys to take,

So many paths that'll lead you away and closer

So many wonders to discover

I wish I could be there to see you fly, to pick you up if you ever fall

From where I stay I'm worrying at the same time that I cheer for you,

I'm scared because the world is a scary place at the same time I know you'll be just fine because you're strong

Have an amazing day tomorrow, sweet child.

Oct 26 2014

Ella

When you sleep will it be with me?

That's a question in the song that's stuck in my head;

It's a question that once toyed with my brain.

She is dressed in a black elegant dress.

Only once she's let me see her curls, I mused, always straightened hair.

She's walking towards the stage.

In my eyes, she glides magnificently, she's a star.

I'm far apart, all the way across the ocean of people.

What if she calls me to her and I can't walk to her side, I fretted in my mind.

She's so beautiful.

She's ethereal to my eyes

You taught me that things don't have to be perfect for it to be perfect, I wrote for her.

From the distance, she looks at me, she smiles

I have a goofy grin. I love her smile, tiny smirk, it ignites her eyes.

I want to go to her.

I need her to come to me. She's smiling at me, and I think that she will come to me.

I'm all nerves, I'm all excitement

All I want to do is to look at her, in her black elegant dress.

I wake up with the warmth of her embrace,

Like when she used to hug me tightly

The sunlight bathes my room completely, it hurts my eyes 

It's five thirty in the morning

I want so bad to see her,

Only, Ella would make me wake up so early in the morning willingly

I shook my head and sighed. I hadn't dreamed of her in a while.

Ella.

Oct 25 2014

Manly

It is so weird that I wake up in the morning feeling like I've actually slept seven hours but that's how I woke up this morning when my alarm clock pull me out of my warm sleep. I have to change the tone of my alarm, I thought, it was a song I liked but I had started to hate it since it was the one that stole my dreams away.

I sat up, yawned and rubbed my eyes as I moved out from under the blanket. Blindly I looked for my sleepers with my feet lifting them quickly when they touched the cold floor. I stood up and pulled my pajama pants up, for some reason they always hung down my hips when I wake up.

Without turning the lights on, I went to the bathroom and automatically showered, my eyes were open but without seeing the light blue walls or really focusing in anything else. My hands washed my skin as I did every day for the past twenty two years. My father had always said that I showered wrong, I didn't care. He said you were to start from your head down and not from your feet up like I did. I huffed as I randomly thought about it, already cleaned and completely awake. One thing missing: to brush my teeth.

I keep my toothpaste and toothbrush inside a white cabinet with a mirror on its door over the sink. I put the blue paste on my toothbrush, I made a mental note to buy another, I'll soon need a new one. For some reason right before I start cleaning my teeth I always look at myself on the mirror.

After my shower mist had covered the mirror, I cleaned it with my hand and saw my reflection. I saw my eyes first, deep dark brown, the color of the kind of coffee that could keep you awake all night, my short eye lashes... My round face didn't look as round, instead it had angles, my jaw had changed, a shadow covered it. I touched my cheek

"I need to shave" my mind said to me knowing something I didn't. I blinked and focused on my face. I was so accustomed to see my face that I had assumed it was the same and had dismissed the new shape, the strong jaw line and squared forehead, the darker eyebrows, the short hair that I had just combed back with my fingers....even the fact that I had to bend down to properly look at my face on the mirror

I refocused my eyes, noticing my neck wasn't as thin as before and now it had something... "Adam's

apple" my brain informed me. Ok, I said appraising the slightly raised skin over the bone. And I moved my eyes lower, where my frail shoulders and lean arms had been I had broad shoulders and the arms that come with the body I had woken up in.

I looked at myself again, taking in my face, neck and naked shoulders. I looked a lot like my father but leaner. I looked like my brother but younger. I kinda looked like my father's brother but without curls. The man had always been handsome.

I realized this was me. I had gone to bed as a girl and had woken up as a man. I felt pleased, not because I had a new body but because like the other one, it was my body and I felt comfortable in it. Maybe my mind had changed a little, too, I liked the way I looked, I liked it a lot. With a laugh that didn't have my former higher pitch I went out of the bathroom. This was me.

Envy

I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was telling me about how her life's been going. She's doing pretty good. She just came back from a business trip. I had seen her pictures in one of so many social media sites. She's starting ESL classes this week, she's getting ready for a promotion at her job, she's gotten a boyfriend who apparently is a complete gentleman and also comes from a good family, she's planning a date with him this weekend to celebrate his graduation from university... She sounds so happy and I'm so happy for her and proud of her. She's a great friend and an amazing, smart person...

But...

It makes me a little sad, it's like she pointed out with her happiness and success that my life is still and that I have nothing going on anymore. I can totally do without the guy and it's not that I want what she has or that I wanna do what she's doing but I want to be doing my own things, to be moving forward.

I think if we had yearbooks n stuff like that, everybody would've said I was the most likely to success; even I believed it and I felt successful, getting a good job even before graduating... On the verge to move to my very own place, not having time for those French and Japanese lessons that I've always wanted, helping my family...feeling like I was making a positive influence in kids' lives... It was so good that it pretty much over shadowed my darkness, my sadness, my pain. I didn't mind it.

And...

I lost it, lost all that in the space of a step and the next. All I have now is darkness, sadness and pain. And I don't want to see or be seen by anybody and I don't dream and I don't wish and I don't plan for the future anymore and all I want is the end. My life is winter, all rain and dark sky.

Still...

I'm glad that my friend is doing well and I wish her the best, she's worked so hard for it. Even though it points out, in my mind, that I'm dead even if I live, it feels a little like it's my success, my happiness. Who wouldn't feel grateful when the ones they love are happy?

Doves' Cry

Doves with their sad song remind me of you, Their delicate eyes make me think of your serious expression And of the smiles that you smiled only for me.

It's not night anymore but it's not properly day either, But I'm awake and writing with bleary eyes, You're on my mind. You don't believe me, I know.

I'm awake, It's not dawn yet,
Sitting on my bed still under the blankets
As if I have to write about you
At these unholy hours just because you're an early riser.
I smile.

***
written: oct 12th

Hunter

thx for the picture Saku. it help me to write, finally, this little one

Once upon a time, there was a woman who lost fear and in doing so she decided to go back to where fear had stained her whole life, plunging her in an abyss of darkness until she painfully climbed up back to the cliff and back to the thick woods where she knew horrors awaited. Now she knew unlike the year before when she had been hunted. Now, she was the hunter.

As the wind rustled her long cloak and messed her hair; she remembered the night that marked her life forever. Like tonight it had been windy but unlike tonight she hadn’t been on her way to the deep woods but on her way to her old run-down house somewhere in the skirts of the forest. She had moved only a month before having nowhere to go but the old property that she hadn’t even known existed until her grandmother and guardian had passed away.   

That night, the moon had been full and bright making patterns on the poor lit street, it was such a quiet town, she had thought then half-shocked of how even hours to midnight everybody was inside, closed windows and locked doors. The hunter huffed mentally, maybe they all had known what creatures lurked at night like what she didn’t and it happened at the turn of a corner with a faltering lamplight. Back when she was not yet a hunter, she´d been swept up her feet by a man that took her to the middle of the woods to a cave lit by the moon where he showed the monster he was.

She hadn’t even had time to scream when the monster bit into the flesh of her neck, long canines sinking in, blood rushing out warm and sticky and he held her there lapping at the spilling blood coming fast as her heart beat increased.

“Olivia” he had whispered her name with his gravely monster voice not letting her go. She had begged for mercy, to let her go. He didn’t and she had to spend the night crutched against the cave wall as the werewolf covered the entrance but he fell asleep and at dawn, in his sleep she ran away  through the woods, she had fell, scrapped her  hands  and knees but had gotten up and had kept running out of the woods.

Olivia was not the same anymore, back then she wouldn’t have come back to these woods even if for some reason when the moon was full she had the urge in the back of her mind to go back and she worried thinking that she that the scar of the bite meant she´d turn into a monster too, but Amaris showed her it didn’t have to be that way.

Amaris; Olivia almost smiled thinking of her aunt, the one that supposedly was crazy, the one that had taken her in when she had ran away with nothing from her old house, afraid that the monster was behind her. Amaris had been the one that had noticed her agitation and when she had discovered her scar by accident had known exactly what it was and had untied the scarf she always wore to show a faded scar, almost identical to Olivia´s on her neck.

“Am I going to become a monster?” had been Olivia´s first question and then she had stuttered her next question “A-ar-are you like the?” Amaris had grinned what then had felt like a wolfish grin and the creaking of the rocking chair had made it scary but her voice had been soothing and she had have a solution. It was time to take that solution to completion

The moon looked like a wicked grin on the black sky, the clouds pushed by the wind left the woods in darkness at times like that time with the lamplight but unlike then, now Olivia didn’t need the light to see, the soft moon beams were enough and though she didn’t known the path she knew it, the monster had made sure of that.

“Be careful-Amaris had said when she left her large white house- he might be waiting for you”. Better, Olivia thought, let him known I´m looking for him and that I’ll find him with the ´gifts´ he gave me.

Amaris had explained that the bite was a bond that signaled she´d been chosen to be the wolf´s mate and that though she´d left it´d call to her so that she returned to him, he had marked her as his and in time even if she didn’t want to she´d go and fill her place. Olivia had been so scared to know this. How could he do that, she´d wondered in panic, it was a terrible fate. She´d started to cry but Amaris had only smiled that wolfish grin again

“You use it to your advantage” she´d said

“But how?” Oli had sobbed. Fear had plagued her heart. The urge to go back had been more and more with each full moon.

Amaris had taught her how and now as she swiftly walked guided by her enhanced sense of smell, she almost tasted his mind, the ghost of his thoughts; that had been one more of the gifts, she felt him, his joy and anger, his longings and happiness.

“Does he taste my emotions too… I mean can they…?” Oli had asked Amaris once when they were training, the old aunt was remarkably strong for a lady of her age, a gift from the wolf, she’d explained to her niece and pupil

“I don’t know –Amaris replied-never paused to ask him” she´d delivered a blow that Oli hadn’t been able to block but she had smiled, she´d understood, she wouldn’t be pausing to ask any questions either.

Oli felt the wolf before seeing it and he came her way, slow and making no sound, his amber eyes resembled fire. He was glad to see her coming, perhaps thinking his magic had finally bent her will. She grinned and vaguely wondered if like Amaris her grin looked wolfish now. The werewolf came closer and with the speed that he had given her she slashed out, he, of course, was fast and avoided her long silver sword, the hilt embedded in her palm, silver also had started to affect her after she had bitten her but she was used to the burning, she revealed in it as a sign of her vengeance and she furiously and expertly swung and tried again as she read surprise in him, he dodged, bared his teeth before howling low conjuring his magic. Oli felt a pull that almost made her drop her sword and she screamed out of fury and lunged at him again and when she was close enough to him she let her old self takeover, the frightened girl of the next morning after he bit her. It made the wolf pause and focus his amber eyes on her dark ones instead of her sword that came down on his neck. Her silver sword went through flesh and his howl was also torn as his head left his body: wolf head, man´s body, a revealed truth of the monster he was.

Once again at dawn Olivia walked through the thick woods, sword in its sheath, the beast head in her hand, the scar that had signaled her imposed bond already fainting. Olivia could hear in the distance the others in his pack stealthily backing away. She could not be controlled now yet she had all the advantages of the monster still, if they came, she´d be ready and their heads would accompany the golden wolf head and the black one in Amaris basement.

Over the Moon: Tangled In Your Words

“And would you take away my hopes and dreams and just stay with me? Take my hand and my heart and soul, I will only have these eyes for you.” Ed Sheeran. One.

“You have my mate´s scent all over you” Daniel said glaring to Alejandro as the younger boy entered the TV room where Andy and Ricky, the wolf siblings, were playing video games
“And you smell like wet dog. Do you see me complaining?” Ale said glaring back. Daniel had just taken a shower
“You don’t have to insult me”
“You don’t have to sneer and glare at me every time you see me” Ale retorted
“If Olivia thinks of us, of me as a dog it´s all your fault. You know you shouldn’t…”
“If Oli thinks of you like a dog- Ale had interrupted Daniel- I´m doing you a favor. What do you think she´d prefer, wild wolf or trained dog?” Ale glared and Dani scrubbed his face.  Ale had made sense with that; it was less threatening for people to think of a dog than a wolf

“You just think of yourself. You don’t listen to her. You people are so arrogant” Ale had said before Daniel could reply. Both Andy and Ricky stopped playing and were staring at Dani and Ale, waiting on Dani´s cue. Reluctantly Daniel bit back his venomous reply and sighed instead
“Can we talk without insulting each other?” Daniel counted up to ten and back and once again. Ale rolled his eyes
“Yeah, whatever” Ale adjusted his grasses


“Are you alright?” Dani asked Ale once they were outside siting on a bench in the Covin´s large patio. Like Olivia´s the house garden touched and joined the woods
“I´m fine” Ale removed his glasses and cleaned them on his black band t-shirt
“That back in the house, I think you´re upset about something else” Dani said trying to untangle the scents that Ale had displayed earlier
“That was about you being arrogant…” Ale made a face
“Yeah, I guess, but you are resentful about something”
“Fuck that, stop sniffing me… that resents me” Ale had glared
“No, well… it´s not resentment, it is but you’re hurt- Dani blinked at his own words, he hadn’t been trying to discover all the scents that emotions brought to Ale´s particular scent but they came in waves which only meant Ale was really upset- I know we´re not close or anything but you´re family if… anything´s happened you know we’re here for you. You´re one of us” Dani said and he believed it. Ale scoffed, he didn’t believe it
“I´m not and you know that. It´s not how it works”
“You´re part of the Woodhills clan, a brother, no… –Daniel stopped- more like a cousin but still family” he smirked
“As if I´d want to be your brother –Ale adjusted his glasses again- and the whole big brother act doesn’t suit you, quit it and stop smelling me. It’s creepy and annoying. Listen” Ale ad widened his eyes for emphasis
“Can’t help it your emotions roll out in waves from you at the moment –Daniel explained- you know it´s not like I´m reading your mind thought, just your bitchy mood” he teased
“Look who´s talking -Ale looked at Daniel over the rim of his glasses and then, with a sigh, at the distant trees- Martin, Enzo, took another chance to prank me” Ale confessed
“What did he do?”
“Point out how Karen and I don’t belong… it doesn’t matter. I don’t care” Ale sneered
“We could prank him back. He´s been getting on my nerves too” Daniel offered with a growl, Ale snorted
“Did you really had something to tell me or did you just want to bring me out here to sit with me or something, ´cause I don’t like it” Ale said looking at Dani over the rim of his glasses
“I don’t like your company either –Dani replied but it was playful, it didn’t have real meaning- it´s about Olivia … Alejandro, you know she´s my mate…” Ale´s heavy sigh interrupted Dani
“There you go, so arrogant, you people make those things like they are fact, like just because you feel it everybody else is supposed to get it and accept it”
“Ale, it´s a fact, it´s not to be arrogant or to impose on you or Oli, it’s just how it is”
“Well, whatever. Think about the rest of us, ok? About Olivia, at least. She comes to me for answers and I have to tell her I can’t tell her… you are supposed to tell her stuff and you are not doing it”
“It´s not like she lets me. Tell her to ask me”
“I have told her but she doesn’t trust you, can you blame her for that? –He looked at Dani reprovingly- but you people, you, make me keep your secrets and I can’t tell her stuff and now we´re talking about her. I don’t think she´d appreciate to be discussed this way”
“I want to tell her everything”
“Well do it! Don’t just give fragments of information and leave me to pick it from there, especially about shit I don’t even know about!”
“I don’t want to give her a history class or to overwhelm her with information” Dani got defensive
“Well, go tell her the freaking basics then. You can’t go on and on about alphas and houses and clans and bonds if you don’t tell her what the hell that is or who the hell are you”
“Did you tell her about that?” Daniel frowned. It was his job to do so, even if he´d done it bad so far
“She´s your mate, isn’t she?” Ale made a face and a derisive sound. Dani observed him for a second catching something in his scent

“Alejandro, do you have a crush on my mate?” Daniel tried to bit back the venom in his words and to stop glaring, to keep himself from baring his teeth and to keep his fists at his sides. It wouldn’t do to kill Ale in his house or anywhere else. Joel would be furious, Ale was Karen´s brother, his dad would kill him and Oli wouldn’t approve of him killing her friends but his protective and possessive nature screamed for him to behead Alejandro
“Can you blame me?” Ale had sighed
“Alejandro, you are aware of the covenant…”
“I know, shut up about that, she´s out of the market. You wolves ruin everything. Oli’s a cool girl, pretty, smart and funny. I saw her first but no –Ale widened his eyes- you had to make it so she was out of reach for the rest of us. I wonder what she´d say about that particular information” Ale smirked making Dani´s eyes widen 
“You wouldn’t…” Dani quickly narrowed his eyes. Ale was someone who could kill whatever he could do to gain Olivia´s trust. Ale was her friend, she trusted him. Dani had started on the wrong foot, there would always be that stain 

“Ale… please –Dani had sighed -I´ll tell you something but keep it between us. Please” Dani pleaded Ale groaned
“There you go again making me keep secrets for you….”
“Just… listen, ok? Listen to me…”Daniel told him the one thing that had prevented him from going after Olivia that morning after she´d disappeared from his sight
“Wow –ale said with slightly wild eyes when Dani had finished- so that´s true? I mean the story”
“Yeah… it wouldn’t be on you but you could push me into that…” Dani untied and tied his pony tail. Ale sighed

“Relax, it´s not like I’m in love with her. I like her but I’m not making marriage plans. I don’t know what I´d do if she asked me out though…” Ale laughed and Dani groaned
“Alejandro, I´d kill you”
“I´m sure Oli would love to know you did that –Ale smirked, Daniel sighed heavily- but again, relax, you´re some kind of brother, no, wait, like an obnoxious cousin I can’t stand and … well… I know I can’t go after your crush even if I saw her fist… but you better start explaining her stuff or I will tell her what I know and damn the consequences, damned the family honor… I don’t care about that…stuff”
“I´ll try, I´ll do it… Thanks for pointing out I haven’t really been thinking from her perspective”
“It´s my pleasure to point out you´re a jerk –Ale grinned but his eyes had no humor- I can’t believe I have to tell you these things… thought you knew how to deal with girls” ale said with a raised eyebrow
“Werewolf girls or girls who didn’t need to know about me, yes but not when it´s about a non-shifter who´s the last one of a supposedly lost family and that…”
“Ok, ok, stop there or next time you see me you´ll want me to do your make up and talk about your latest crush and feelings” Ale wrinkled his nose
“You could help me dye my hair next time. I´ll add highlights to yours” Dani said with mock excitement
“We´ll play house, too? –Ale said flatly- it´s not a wonder Oli doesn’t like you” Ale smirked
“That was low” Dani narrowed his eyes, Ale shrugged, stood up and walked back to the house leaving Daniel to his thoughts about Olivia and even some about Alejandro and what might have happened to him. A few minutes later his mom had called him in for their usual weekly family dinner.


“How short do you want it, Daniel?” Mr. King asked; the man had cut the man-wolf hair since before he´d stopped getting a ‘decent’ haircut back in high school. Daniel sighed silently. He wouldn’t regret it.
“It´s time to get rid of it, make it short” Dani shrugged
“Ah, so, you´ll finally get a manly haircut” Mr. King, the owner of the barbershop joked, Daniel snorted as Mr. Kind tied his long hair in a low pony tail
“I guess I can donate that to one of those wig places… should be useful…” Daniel mused mostly to himself
“Gotta work for something…maybe a mop” Mr. King joked taking a pair of scissors  
“Stop! -a voice interrupted Mr. King and a strand of hair fell to the floor but the rest stayed intact --what are you doing?” a clear voice said with a gasp to Mr. King who was startled. Daniel didn’t have to look to know who it was. He could recognize his mate´s scent and voice anywhere.
“I´m sorry…?” Mr. King turned to Olivia in confusion, it was not every day that he was randomly stop from doing his job
“What are you doing?” She ignored the older man and talked to Daniel who had stood up and was facing her 
“Getting a haircut?” he knitted his eyebrows upward 
“Why?” Oli frowned as if he was insane for even thinking about it
“Shouldn´t I…?” Dani smiled as he tucked behind his ear the shorter strand of hair that brushed his cheek. Oli shrugged with a face that usually came with the expression ‘duh´. He chuckled and felt something moving in his chest that made him tug at his collar a little
“I won’t be cutting my hair Mr. King but thank you” he told the man paying him anyway and rushed after Olivia who was walking out the barbershop asking herself what was wrong with her; she couldn’t believe she  had gone in that shop to prevent him getting a haircut. She shook her head as her cheeks turned red. Had she gone crazy?

“Where are you going? Can I join you?” The man-wolf caught up to her. Like Alejandro had said, he was the impersonation of a human puppy. Olivia wanted to slap herself; she´d placed herself in that situation
“Grocery shopping” Olivia murmured hoping her blushed cheeks went back to normal. ‘Some head banding on a hard surface is in order’ Oli thought as the man looked at her profile resembling more and more some kind of curious puppy
“I’ll join you –he decided- I´ll help you carry the bags” he offered, she considered. Ale usually joined her to her grocery shopping, not that she bought much but the drive way was a long way to walk…
“You don’t have to…” she said with a weak smile, she didn’t want to say yes but the truth was that she could use his help
“I was heading to your place after the haircut so it´s ok” he smiled his lopsided smile
“Ok” they walked in silence the ten minutes that took them to get to the store

“How was your week?” Dani tried for conversation once they were inside the store. He was carrying the basket for the shopping
“Pretty good… I put oil to my creaking door like I saw you do to the others and painted that one but I think I over did it with the oil” she shrugged, took a pear and smelled it and then put a few in a bag. 
“Can’t be that bad” Daniel smiled
“You haven’t seen it –there was humor mixed with disdain in his mate´s voice. She picked some green and red apples- are you going to pick anything from here?” Oli motioned to the fruits, he hadn’t been paying any attention to where they were in the store, the fruits held no interest for him even less when he was busy being fascinated by her unconcerned answers and the fact that she was talking to him, normally, like they knew each other
“Do you like oranges?” he picked one
“Otherwise I wouldn’t have planted an orange tree –she tilted her head a little to a side and laughed a tiny laugh in the end- if you’re going to get those I could make orange bread” again she spoke as if they were some kind of friends
“What else can you do with oranges? I mean, what other recipes do you know?” he picked a few, more than what they could possibly need, she picked some bananas
“Fresh orange juice?” she teased with a little laugh, he gasped mockingly
“No! I could never do that myself!” he widened his eyes
“I know –se nodded- but you could do a salad, or chicken, beef, fish too, salmon goes well with it… Chinese food–she moved to the side and picked butter and milk- mmmmh I should make that tonight” she said to herself reading the label on the milk carton

“You mentioned beef…” Daniel hinted as they keep walking, predictably meat was his favorite
“Yeah, that can be done too”
“For tomorrow perhaps?” he hinted again as she stopped and picked a can of tuna and started reading the ingredients on it, the nutritional facts
“Yeah…” she said absentmindedly placing it back and taking another
“And maybe fish the next day” Daniel ventured curious if she´d realize that she´d been agreeing to his suggestions for food that she´d cook and he´d eat 
“You´ll get bored of oranges” she tilted her head up to him for a second and picked two cans of tuna of the same brand that she´d read last
“It could be like a theme” he shrugged
“You put themes to your meals?” she furrowed her eyebrows but there was humor in her scent
“Err… nope… I like the smell of them thought, the oranges –he confessed cautiously, she nodded as they walked thought the aisle- but… You´re reading every label of everything that you take” he observed as she grabbed flour and sugar
“I didn’t read the nutritional facts on those two –she narrowed her eyes- but… it´s something more people should do, you ought to know what you´re eating” she shrugged and he thought she was adorable

“What’s your favorite ice-cream flavor?” Daniel asked stopping at the fridge
“Pistachio and vanilla” she said absently taking a bag of frozen fries. He grinned taking a pint of vanilla ice cream
“Can you make anything with oranges and vanilla ice cream?”
”I guess… perhaps the orange bread could be eaten with ice cream on the side or I don’t know; sweet crepes with oranges and tangerines as filling” she raised her eyebrows as if in question
“You know how to cook –he commented- I bet you know a lot of recipes, where did you learn it?”
“I like it, yeah, my dad, well, my grandpa but I called him dad, he had a food truck and sometimes I went with him to help”
“Sounds cool”
“Yea, it was…. Grandma sold it when he died though there was no one to take care of it and we needed the money…” she shrugged and a side of her mouth went downward, her scent laced with sadness
“I’m sorry. I think you´re a good chef. You cook better than Gil” he chuckled, Gil was one of the cooks at his aunt´s restaurants where Oli worked, Oli laughed quietly
“Ale says that too” she said as they got to the cashier. Something bubbled inside him at that, something like cold heavy liquid in his veins 
“Oh! I forgot the cereal –Oli turned around, Daniel was right behind so they collided- Oh!” she exclaimed flushing. He held her arms helping her balance and helping himself to balance his temper. She moved pass him quickly walking to get the cereal.

“You don’t have a problem if we go there, do you?” Oli pointed to the gardening store across the street- I want to get some pots for some herbs I want to plant” she looked up at him expectantly with the cutest tilt of her head
“Let´s go” Daniel watched at his watch checking he still had a few hours before the pull of the moon made him shift to his wolf form

“You like gardening too” he walked next to her
“I guess… -she said-… I mean, I´ve always wanted to have one of those nice gardens that you see in magazines or on T.V, you know, the ones with flowers everywhere and trees in shapes…” she chuckled at herself “now that I have the land I thought I could at least try, I hope I don’t kill the plants thought …”
“What do you want to plant?”
“I saw on TV this show where they taught you to make like your own herb garden and I liked that, it´d be cool to have fresh herbs for whenever I cook… if what they hinted is true, herbs are easy” 
“I think the clay one´s better than the plastic one” he gave his opinion, she´d been comparing two pots of different material
“Yeah but the other will last longer… specially if they fall down”
“Where are you planning to put them?”
“I was thinking the kitchen window but I don’t know if they’ll fall from there”
“If you put them there you might not be able to close the window either…” he observed
“That too…”


“You have time to think about where you want them” they had gone back to talking about the best place to put the just bought herbs as they got close to the house
 “Yeah, I guess…-she agreed- it´d be so cool if I could have one of those herbs gardens that I watched on TV” to Olivia to be talking of things like that felt too familiar as if they were friends. She didn’t like it but she couldn’t deny that he was very willing to help and hadn’t attempted anything in the past months, it had seemed that besides the annoying floor scratching when he was his dog self he tried his best to keep out of her way but he was there when she needed help with things around the house. 

Another thing that Olivia didn’t want to admit was that it was nice to have some company. It had been hard for her to live alone after her grandmother had died. It was not that she wanted someone to be talking all the time but it was nice to have someone thinking about her for a change, one that wanted to please her by doing little things, not that the repairs he´d done were little but still it was something not just anybody would do to be on her best side but she couldn’t forget that easily who she was, what he was and what the circumstances in which they had met were. She couldn’t let her guard down that easily even if it had started to feel like it was way too easy to do it. If anything that was a good reason to not let my guard down Olivia thought.

Daniel had been outside, in the garden all the while after they put the groceries away and she started their usual early dinner, she´d grown increasingly weary and uncomfortable since they went inside the house, as if they grew distant when the number of people and open space lessen. It made Daniel sigh heavily but he had to be patient and give Olivia space even if all he wanted was to be right next to her, to make sure they had a bond, to strengthen the bond he knew they already had.

Olivia wanted a herbs garden, she´d bought some herbs and pots for it but still didn’t know where she wanted it, she´d mentioned what where the designs in the show she´d seen. She wanted it and that made him want it for her. He considered where it could go based on what she´d told him. He took measurements of the spaces where it could go, she wanted it near the kitchen window but it didn’t have to go there, she´d said. The man wolf made a list of the tools he´d need to go home or have his dad bring them, better the second one he thought.

Olivia called him for dinner with a “I´ll leave your food on the kitchen table” he asked her if it was ok to use the old furniture that couldn’t be repaired
“Sure, if you can do that… it´d be really nice… but you know you don’t have to do it” she smiled politely
“It’s ok, I like building stuff –his mouth tilted with a smile- I´ll ask dad to borrow me some of his tools thought, if that´s ok by you, I mean, him coming…”
“Oh… if it´s fine by him…” Oli hesitated, the man was the chief of police, would he be available to bring his son tools to build her something just because she´d seen it on some TV show? She wondered but then she thought that she had to go out of her way to keep an eye on the chief´s son, not that she had that much going on but still, she didn’t to help them so, the chief could do this for her
Daniel nodded and took a seat “this smells really good” he smiled that smile of his that show how his front teeth were bigger than the rest which was funny because if he was a wolf his canines should be the prominent ones. Oli inclined her head at the compliment and to hide the smile tugging at her mouth at the sight of his smile and her thoughts of it
“There´s more –she pointed to the pan on the stove- if you want, you can have some more…” she said with a light shrug and exited the kitchen; a moment later he heard the sound of the TV and her flipping channels to what sounded like cartoons.  He sighed and started to eat, it was a nice meal with the ingredients he had suggested, it was good except that he did not enjoy eating alone.

“It was really good!” Daniel complimented Olivia when she came back with her empty plate; he was on his second serving
“Thanks….” She gave a little smile and proceeded to clean her plate, he noticed se was taking her time to dry it

“I´m sorry about earlier” she turned around and then averted her gaze
“Mh?” he tucked the shorter strand of hair behind his ear, she pointed to his head and he still didn’t get what she was talking about
“Your haircut –she blushed- I… I don’t know why…” she stammered
Daniel chuckled a little “Thanks for saving it. I don’t think I really want to get rid of it” 
“Then…?” she felt her cheeks getting warmer as she remembered his last letter
“I thought you disliked it… -he cleared his throat when she paled slightly- and everybody seems to be against it –he took his dish to the sink- because of the future job and because it makes me look like a slob, not serious or something” he shrugged as he cleaned the dish
“Oh… yeah… appearances, dress codes and all that, respectability…blah blah” she wrinkled her nose
“Exactly…I don’t like that besides if they can’t see my work, see who I am because of some hair then I don’t want to be there” he shook his head and she stared at him for a moment

“Nice” she nodded with a half-smile.

If only it wasn’t so painful, the werewolf thought as he shifted from a shape to the other.  Yet he had never wished to be different. He knew it´d stop, the agony would stop eventually and it would only leave the strength of the more animalistic side, the heightened sense and the honesty that only a wolf encasing a more or less human shaped mind had.  All of these was good, the surge of energy and freedom that he usually felt right after the change was complete unfortunately he was locked but he knew he wouldn’t go out even if he wasn’t because if something was enhanced more than all the other things it was the need for his mate, the need of the company of the pack and the want of the support of his alpha. The lack of all those almost made him dislike being in wolf form and express it in a howl. Olivia was so close yet so far, the wolf thought. Alejandro had been right, the wolf huffed; he was admitting Ale was right… another disadvantage of being in wolf form. Daniel would’ve laughed if he had been able to, instead he sniffed closer and quiet through the cracks of the floor boards as he remembered the conversation he´d had with Alejandro. How it must be for Oli  to come into a new world within the world she knew so suddenly, maybe it´d be like not being werewolf from one day to the other, he thought and wondered as her scent told him where downstairs she was and how she was doing.

“Saw you happily walking your dog out this afternoon :p” read Alejandro´s text that had just been sent. Olivia wrinkled her nose
“haha very funny… Couldn’t help it” she typed quickly
“Excuses, excuses, excuses” came Ale´s reply less than a minute later
“We bumped as I was going to the grocery store” she rolled her eyes as she went upstairs to her room
“The wicked wolf was stalking red riding hood” Oli could imagine Ale had a slight smirk as he had sent that
“It was kinda my fault” she threw herself on her bed and covered her eyes. Ale had just sent a question mark as reply
“Talked to him first… sort of” she explained
“You did? Really? So he’s growing on you, huh?”
“No! it’s just… I don’t know what I was thinking”
“That you wanna talk to him?”
“I didn’t exactly talk…”
“You wanna tell me but you’re not telling me. So just tell me, ok?” Ale texted
“I went in the barbershop and stopped the guy that was about to give him a haircut” Oli felt like she really needed to get it out of her system. It felt like by saying it to someone she could just laugh at it and forget it
“Red riding hood likes the shabby wicked wolf. Got tangled in his hair?” Ale´s reply had taken longer to come; Oli had brushed her teeth and gotten ready for bed in the meantime
“Movie reference as well? And no, don’t like him”
“Had to think of it for a moment ;) then?”
“He said everybody told him he should get rid of it, I felt bad apparently I was the drop that filled the glass on that”
“So, you´re into long manes of black hair?” was Ale´s reply and it made her giggle for some reason
“Won’t say I don’t like it”
“You´re right, the bastard wears it well” was the reply she got, it made her laugh
“Do you like the guy?” she teased in her reply
“He´s fit, even seen how easily they all get rid of their clothes? Too bad he´s a damn dog and of course… he´s yours :p” Ale teased back
“You can have him, you seem to like him lots”
“Nah, I bet you had a lot of fun taking him out for a walk, I can’t take that from my bff”
“NO way! I couldn’t look at him after that!”
“A ‘stop talking to me’ would’ve done it” Oli could hear Ale´s flat tone on the reply
“I can’t just say that to people! Besides I kinda used him to help me carry the stuff… couldn’t be rude”
“At least he saved me that chore” Ale replied, he usually went shopping with Oli since they had started to walk home together
“Which is why you´re not getting theme dinners”
“Lost me, Red” 
“I kinda agreed to make all sorts of recipes that include oranges for meals during his stay” Oli groaned
“Wow and I just get a thanks. No fair, Red”
“Couldn’t say no. Too embarrassed and he bought the stuff. Won’t  ask your help anymore btw”
“I´ll help anyway” was his reply followed by another “or go get a haircut”
“You idiot!” Oli exclaimed and the wolf immediately stopped the soft whine but focused on the threat of humor in her scent, it didn’t match her words. He wondered what she was doing. She´d been going from embarrassment to laughter to surprise to sadness and all over again in different order
“Should I let my hair grow?” Ale replied to her insult
“With your curls your head would look even bigger” She it sent and laughed quietly wondering what he´d say to that
“Ouch. Only long straight black hair then *sights* how much do you think straightening it cost?”
“Blond :p I don’t know ask advice from your wolfie friend”
“You know him intimately, I see, what else do you know?”
“Psssh if we´ll talk about guys now let´s talk of some other guys, yeah?”
“Sure, red, who´s caught your eye?” she laughed, she could tell he´d rolled his eyes like how he did when she and Mai said a guy was cute yet he usually joined them in the talk
“Walter, I think, blond, gray eyes, asks for the same dessert all the time” she wrote about the first person that had crossed her mind only to annoy Ale
“Regnoir. Wolf. Your puppy’s cousin” Ale replied quickly
“Ugh. Really? Ok… idk his name but he wears the fancy school uniform but lives here”
“Isn’t that too young for you? –Ale teased- Canagan Bertrand. Wolf. Next”
“Pssshhh don’t need to be certain age to say someone´s cute and ugh again. Let me see…. Sits always on table 2 to drink coffee and read?”
“Grandpa Martin? Wide variety of taste, girl and wolf btw”
“No! not the old man! The guy with the curls, blue eyes” it was not about cute or not but about how many wolf were regulars at her work place
“Kurt Landry. Wolf. Seems like you like doggies a lot”
“Is there any guy in this town that is not a mythical creature?! So scary!”
“I know at least one”
“Who?”
“Curls, glasses, amazing sense of humor, not dog, not scary, brown eyes, makes great music”
“Carbonell” she laughed as she sent the reply
“Yeah, let´s talk about him”
“Idk, he can be a pain…”

Daniel kept feeling the changes in is mate´s scent every few minutes, even fear and annoyance had sipped in but the dominant note had been humor. Her playful laughter and giggles proved it. She kept at it for a while longer and then they all vanished as she went to sleep and so did he lolled by the scent of her dreams
Fresh orange juice and pancakes with soft orange flavor were Daniel´s breakfast the next morning. He could’ve laugh of joy that his mate had done as he´d suggested. A while after breakfast Covin came to the Belcourt house to bring what he had asked, after greeting Oli and thanking her for continuing to help Daniel as they had agreed, as he´d asked, his dad had gone around the house to the yard and after a while Oli started to hear the sounds of a sawing, hammering and nailing and other sounds she couldn’t identify but knew were made as Dani worked. She wondered if she should be worried about the man and his power tools, he could use them to harm her but if he had wanted to harm her he´d had more than enough opportunities -she told herself- and he definitely didn’t need any weapons to do that.

After another citrus themed meal Olivia followed Daniel to the yard where he showed her his work. She couldn’t help but smile at what he´d done.
“You made me a vertical herbs garden” his mate looked at him with a smile that showed all her teeth and after a second she looked down and back at the boxes that hung from the wall at different heights, old wood and pieces of iron that he´d twisted artistically in shapes to look like old forged iron
“The herbs are still missing” Daniel smiled back relieved that she hadn’t mind the boxes nailed to the wall instead of being separate and movable
“Yeah but this is so cool, like the one I saw on that show I told you. Did you watch it?” she tilted her head and he chuckled tucking the shorter loose strand of hair behind his ear
“I might have seen it”
“That´s lucky… -she turned to the side- you made me a bench too?!”
“There was enough wood -he shrugged- it opens –he opened it, it was like a trunk- for you to keep the gardening tools” 
“Wow –she blinked, her scent all surprise and gratefulness- thank you… you´re very skilled at building things” she said looking at the inside of the trunk which had the few tools she owned
“Thanks ….Are you putting the plants today?” he inquired
“Yeah –her scent laced with excitement- I´ll go change, be right back” she said already walking back inside

Olivia changed her dress for a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and kept her bangs out of her face she put on a hairband on her head. By the time she came back he´d brought the bag of soil and had the pots and herbs they had bought the day before ready to be transplanted. She smiled at him and knelt down and between the two of them they changed the herbs from their original bags to the pots. Oli noticed he was not afraid to get dirty, she wore gloves but he just took the soil with bare hands 
“Where do you want this one?” Dani asked with a pot of rosemary in his hand
“On this side of the window” she pointed placing two pots in one of the boxes

“Could you put this one up there?” She passed him the mint pot. The highest box was near the center of the window

“It looks good right? We did a good job” she smiled at him taking a step back to look at the garden. He raised his and in a high five motion and she clapped hers against his and laughed quietly “You did most of it though, thanks, really” she said taking off the gloves 

“Can I help you with anything” the man wolf offered once he came back from washing himself.  The scent of the orange zest on the table filled the room
“It´s ok- she smiled politely- I got it” once again, he thought, she didn’t seem comfortable to be near him when it was closed spaces so with nothing else to do he went and sat on the kitchen table, in her line of vision and tried to relax which was both easy and hard to do. He liked being there in the same room but he didn’t want her to grow uncomfortable if he watched her but he didn’t really have anything to do or anything else he wanted to do.
“What are you doing tonight?” he ventured as she squeezed the orange
“Szechuan orange stir fry” she looked up at him noting he put his rubber band between his fingers as he raised both his arms up to tie his hair in a high ponytail; she went back to what she was doing quickly
“Chinese right?”
“Yeah –she started to mince some ginger- but we’re eating it with pasta instead of white rice” she shrugged mixing ingredients in a bowl
“Is that… sugar?” he couldn’t help but ask. Oli looked up with raised eyebrows
“Mh, it´ll be good, don’t worry” she mixed the contents and started to slice the beef and placed it in the bowl “Do you mind broccoli?” Oli looked up “it doesn’t have to have that so it´s fine if you don’t like it” she turned to boil the pasta, she´d seen he avoided saying no to food even if he didn’t like it. The man wolf grinned
“Broccoli’s fine”
“Cool”
Daniel watched her chop the vegetables and then turn to the stove checking on the pasta and fry the meat. He was sure that if he had wanted to learn the recipe from TV, not that he liked cooking, he wouldn’t have paid half of the attention she paid to Oli cooking. She was focused and relaxed doing that, even with him there. It relaxed him to focus on her and to sense how the fire and the different ingredients mixed changed the smell in the air and around Olivia. He noticed she nodded to herself when satisfied with the taste
“Smells really good” he stood up to take his plate
“Even with the sugar in” she said with humor and taking her plate she walked out but paused before exiting completely “there´s more if you want” 
“Ok, thanks” he replied and she was gone. The man wolf sighed. He did not enjoy eating alone. 



Cherished Olivia,

I am thinking of you. A lot of things have reminded me of you today, from the morning ‘till a few hours ago when I had Chinese, can you guess what the dish was? It was interesting to have themed meals. You were like one of those chefs on TV when they´re challenged to use one ingredient to make many dishes. You were successful

I know I’m imposing on you, I’m sorry about that but I really had fun with the herbs garden, it´ll be cool when you get to use them. I have to say again that you could be a better chef than Gil, aunt Leah should hire you instead (don’t tell him that, though)

Oli, I´m sorry for making you uncomfortable with my staying but I want you to know that I´d never intentionally harm you. I know I left a terrible impression that first time and as I´ve said before I truly regret that. I wish you could give me the chance to explain … there is so much I want to tell you.

Yours always,

                                                           Daniel Covin

******

A/N: ha! so there´s that! I was dying to post something and I was finally able to do it. I was thinking that I could tittle this one "Blossoms and Vanilla" but idk...

ah! I hope it wasnt such a weird post... Ale talking... that wasnt supposed to b in this one, it was something I had written but that was not going to use and then it felt like it fit 

Links:

herb garden -not exactly what he did but quite like it

hair -I couldnt help but to show you how he looked doing that lol -in my mind- 

song: I was listening to music and this one felt perfect for this one "use somebody" by kings of Leon. This one´s a cover that I like a lot.

Saku:

First of all, thank you for providing the pix for this one and also, thx for the suggestion on the last post title. 

sorry I didnt say anything about your last comment, thx for it, I was waiting for this post to say something. 

 -about your question: there´s a word missing there...haha but yeah, he´s thinking about her, he´s wishing she´d let him explain what happened that first time. Makes sense now?

-Thank you for understanding both of their povs, I also felt bad that he was locked but I also feel bad for her, I think she´s taken it pretty well haha

-The tree: ha! that was intentional haha that is why that one is visible from the window

First day of September

God, I'm plagued with fears.

I used to feel like I could do whatever I wanted. The world was full of possibilities and I was smart and strong enough to go take it. 

Now my nightmares show me how I lose it all and I wake up crying about lost things that I never even had, about past regrets that I didn't even lived. It feels like even in my unconscious mind I've lost myself.

With a heavy heart and tears in my eyes I wake up and tell my brain that maybe I'm not that small, that I'm not useless, that I'll prevail in the end, that I can walk on water.

I am nothing; I have nothing it's the song that the echo in my head chants. I see how others are getting the dreams I dreamed and I ache and make myself wish them well as I pray for the dream that no one has because it's a given to them.

I am told that as many other times, as with many other hardships it'll pass and in time it'll feel just like a bad dream. I want to believe that, it just feels it's been so long and I know that's exactly how it feels when the earth is shaking under your feet and everything is crumbling and there is nowhere you can escape but it still feels like an eternity.

I am perceived as someone very loved, as a priority, as important...maybe it's to compensate for how withered I become everyday even as I smile and laugh, even as I fight and build a wall of strength that I don't have

The clock keeps ticking. Am I still asleep?

August 30th

Pain bids me good night

I go to bed

I wake up

Pain rises with the sun,

It's been playing with my dreams, chasing away sleep

Four letters that are the perfect descriptive for 27 months of misery

Pain is my jailer and cruel companion,

It reminds me of our too long anniversary every day

With every sunset, the count grows heavy over my shoulders, over my soul

It's like a vice, tight and hot, debilitating and heavy

It's here keeping me alive enough to keep killing me

It whips me careful not to completely break me

It exposes me for everybody to throw stones at me

Pain

It keeps dictating words

It wishes to wrench loose vowels from my mouth.

Misery loves company

geez, my eyes are filled with tears and my chest feels tight. I have a million reasons to cry, good ones even yet not really ´cause why would you cry again for something that you´ve already cried for?

I might not be able to contain the stupid tears and that´s so very bad, it´ll only make my already hurting eyes hurt more, they dont like to endure the effort of producing the tears that they already have hard time making but stupid heart, emotions, emo mood seems to not care about tomorrow or later tonight.

Going to bed... too bad I just cant sleep whenever I want. I better go, though, find a place where it´s just me. Dont want to make others sad as well, we all know how misery loves company

Through my eyes: Tactics and Strategy (Eyes on You II)

A/N: This one feels like an accomplishment, perhaps, no, for sure, there are a lot of mistakes but I´m pretty excited that I got to write two Jmemories in it. I think in this post he´s spoken more than ever before. This post is much longer as well and has references of some songs and a poem, I´ll add a link of those below. 

This is the first of a few posts that I want to dedicate to some kids I met. This one I want to dedicate to Bry, he was one of my students and though he´s nothing like the characters in this story, I was reminded of him as I wrote the first Jmemory. Bry was an example of what dedication, effort and a bright personality can accomplish, also he had a beautiful, supportive family. A true example, he´d be a HS freshman this year, I know he's doing great. 

On less loaded things haha Saku, what did my girl do in the last post to make you dislike her? haha she was behaving well -for her- :p I wonder if you´ll get a glimpse of why J decided to go in this trip.

finally, to the post! ah, no, before that, Josh challenged me and I just had to accept. He knows writing flashback...I´m just not good at it but... haha ok, anyway, I hope it´s not too confusing, what I did, in case it was too bad, is to write in italics everything that is flashback. I hope it helps /////_//////

****

We parked on a dirt parking lot under a tree. There were scattered SUV´s and jeeps under trees. There was some kind of kiosk with benches made of logs where a group of people were chatting apparently waiting for more people to arrive. We took our things out, each one of us had a backpack, I had my guitar and the picnic basket. Marissa had the map and a camera and Nichole just her backpack. We stopped in the center of the place while Mari surveyed the area, like every other forest it was all green and it all looked similar to me.

“Lead the way, carina” Nic had a hint of teasing in her tone

“According to this –Marissa was still staring at the map –we have to go… -she looked at the many paths all around us –here” she walked to the one at her left as she extended her hand to me. We walked in silence for a while, Marissa and I walked hand in hand leading the way and Nichole walked a few steps behind us. At times Marissa stopped to either check the map or take a picture and she randomly pointed to flowers, birds or butterflies

“I hope I don’t get us lost” Mari said biting her lip after a while

“I thought we were following the map” I raised my eyebrows

“We are but this might have been the wrong path” she told me with some concern.

“As long as we can go back” I said. Getting lost was not something I wanted

“Mh…”

“It´ll be part of the adventure” Nichole said behind us in her calmed tone of voice, we both turned to look at her, she was looking up the trees and had her tiny smile in place. I think her confidence made us relax. I shook my head at how easy that had been I knew both Marissa and I knew how good she was at finding her way. I knew very well that she wouldn’t let us get lost. That I trusted that made me feel a little annoyed.

An hour later we were at the sightseeing deck. It was twice the size of the one at the log house. It was a beautiful place. The sky was blue without clouds. Birds chirped everywhere hidden in the tree tops that were green and yellow. I could see rocky mountains in the distance right in front of us. A click let me know Marissa had taken a picture of me watching the place. I smiled for her and she took another picture.

“It´s your turn” I extended my hand and she gave me the camera and stood still with a smile in place

“Nini, come here!” Mari called Nichole who was behind me watching down leaned on the wooden railing.  She turned around and rolled her eyes

“You come here” she replied and Mari rolled her eyes this time but she went to where Nichole was. Nic extended her hand motioning for the camera

“No, no, no, don’t give it to her –Marissa said- I want a picture with you, you silly” Marissa smiled

“Marissa, no. You know I don’t like getting pictures taken”

“Whatever. Josh, take her picture, please”

“Marissa” Nichole hissed

“Come on!” Marissa tried to hug her with an arm but Nichole moved away

“Mari, no, just no, I´ll take yours and Josh´s”

“Just one, come one, it won´t kill you”

“You´re allowed to draw me if you want” NIc offered with a smirk and Marissa scoffed

“If you stayed still for a second!”

“Can´t help it –she shrugged and took the camera from me- but I´m good at taking pictures” she smiled a mischievous smile as Mari extended her arms to me putting. Nichole took a picture of that and then anther as soon as I stepped next to Marissa and then one when she hugged me. She seemed to like taking picture without letting us know she was about to take them

“One picture, please –Mari pouted- I can´t believe no one has ever taken a picture of you”

“Only if they were going to kill me” Nic shrugged. Marissa frowned and shook her head

“The things you said to not get a picture. Make a better lie” Marissa rolled her eyes. I was almost certain that it was not a lie at all

“I have one and had no murderous intentions” I chuckled at the end, Nichole gasped making Marissa laugh and high five me

“Ha! Good one, tesoro! Now, I deserve one” Marissa pointed a finger at Nichole who sighed and narrowed her eyes at me as she gave me the camera, I shrugged

“Only one” she told me as she leaned against the railing, she had a smirk on face that contrasted with Mari´s happy one

“Now, you too –Marissa came next to me –don’t say no, Nini –Marissa scolded before she could talk –this one´s for lying” she poked her tongue out

“Is this ok by you?” Nichole asked me. It took me aback.

“Yeah” I furrowed my eyebrows. Why wouldn’t it be I thought she wouldn’t want one with me. I went to stand next to her and as soon as I stood there she pushed herself up and sat on the railing very quick. It startled me.

“Jesus! –I exclaimed as I took hold of her hand- you´re gonna fall!”

“I´m fine” she tried to suppress a chuckle

“Get off there” I insisted, it was a high

“If I fall, I´ll fall on my feet” she winked but I didn’t let go of her “You miss took more than one picture so stop it” Nichole said to Marissa who giggled

“They are blurred –she said innocently- plus you can always erase them later, now, look over here and say cheese” Mari instructed as I let go of Nichole bu still looked at her

“Look at the camera boy, I´ll hold on to you” Nic placed her hand on my shoulder. Mari counted up to three

After the pictures we sat down on the deck to just watch the sky, each one of us with a bottle of water and snacks. Nichole was just eating one of those tiny lollipops and had her drawing pad on her bent knees, a blue drawing pencil in her hand, her head slightly tilted to the left, her short hair covering part of her face, her hand moved as her face went from the scenery before us to the paper. I wondered what she was thinking about. I had always wondered what she thought while she draw, it was the only time that I had seen her face completely relaxed. She usually looked calmed but somehow not but when drawing and painting she seemed to be just a girl.

“You went silent on me –Marissa said in a sing-song voice next to me, my eyes expanded a little –what are you thinking?” she smiled her easy smile. I couldn’t help but smile back, all the time, I shook my head

“Your smile´s really contagious” I said still smiling. She blinked once and her smile grew making her eyes become smaller

“You have a nice smile, too. Perfect white teeth” she touched my cheek “Do you like it here?”

“It´s beautiful” I leaned back until my back touched the deck and then I placed my hands under my head and bent my leg. I looked up at the pieces of sky between the leaves of the trees just above us. It was very quiet but not really, the place hummed with its own quiet music directed by the soft breeze

“You go a lot inside your head” Marissa commented looking down at me, she was still sitting down. I wondered if this would be a problem with her eventually, so far she was ok with it but then most of my dates are, they like that I listen but when I didn’t speak enough they didn’t like it either “I think I´m into quiet people –Marissa continued without asking for a reply- this one –she pointed to Nic at her side with her thumb- is always quiet unless I force her to talk, she makes me become a jerk” she laughed quietly. I smiled and nodded a little, you tended to feel like you were forcing her to talk all the time

“Look at her now, I bet she´s pretending she´s not listening –she glanced at the other girl- but you won’t pretend you don’t listen, right?” Mari smiled and touched my arm; I shook my head as reply

“What are you thinking about?” I asked, she smiled

“That you go a lot in your head and that you didn’t tell me what you were thinking” her lips moved in a very gracious way, it seemed to me that every time she said “you” she was about to kiss someone

“Every time you say you, it seems like you´re kissing the air” I told her in almost a whisper, she laughed throwing her head back with delight

“I kiss the air that you breathe” she said it slowly emphasizing the word “you”. I chuckled

“I like that –I smiled showing all my teeth –it´s maybe even song material” I winked

“Don’t you think it was too much?” she smiled and touched her arm

“Nope, I don’t mind impromptu poetry”

“Even the desperate one?” she tilted her head. I chuckled

“It didn’t sound desperate”

“You are very soothing” again Marissa emphasized the word you and I touched her lips lightly with my fingers for a second

“Thank you”

“And you don’t even say much, how do you do it?”

“No idea, maybe it´s you, maybe it´s the place, it´s …soothing here, quiet but not really –I closed my eyes listening to the music of the air caressing the trees- there´s a lot going on” I opened my eyes

“Is it like that in here?” her finger touched my temple. I pondered

“Sometimes”

“What´s happening?” she asked

“The birds are talking” I replied, unsure of whether I meant in my head or around us

“What are they saying?” she followed my lead

“That they like this place -I thought of the waterfall for a second, it made me uneasy but I think I wanted to try, to see how close I could get, I always wanted to start facing that irrational fear but always ended up giving up –they also would like to capture this peace and take it everywhere with them” I finished with eyes closed

“They don’t carry it around with them?”

“I think they forget sometimes… it´s easy to forget with everything else…there´s not many trees in other places where they can find shelter”

“Oh, are they worried about shelter?” Mari frowned a little. I chuckled

“I don’t know what I´m saying anymore” I said truthfully. It had been about me but shelter was not something I thought I lacked of

“No more bird whispered?” she smiled her easy smile

“Oh –she pouted- do you think they´ll understand if I tell them that I have a window sill where they can find shelter any time they want?” her eyes were bright and her smile soft, like her words. I smiled

“I think they got it” I sat up to kiss her but she met me half way so I didn’t fully sit, it was a little like doing crunches

“Great –she smiled and I went back to lying on the floor- I think… mmm I think we´ve ignored Nini…”

“Oh, yeah, that… yeah” my eyes expanded a bit, we´d been talking softly and very close

“Nini…” Marissa started

“Carry on, carina, I´m not feeling left out at all” Nichole said as if distracted. I wonder if she was distracted, she´d basically let us know she´d been listening to our words even if they had been almost whispers. I sat up and looked over Mari at her. She was still with her drawing pad but she was no longer looking at the scenery but just drawing, she was very focused on it.

“Can we, like, have a conversation where the three of us talk?” Marissa said looking to Nichole and back to me. I shrugged my agreement.

“Can´t talk while I draw” Nichole said. Liar, I thought

“Then stop drawing, this is not an assignment”

“Neither´s talking”

“What are you drawing?” I intervened. I felt at that moment that my mind was a computer screen when you click something and some virus makes tons of windows pop up with videos or random stuff. In my mind, several images of me asking that same question popped up. Nichole paused; maybe the same happened to her, maybe not.

“The birds that left before Marissa could take a picture”

“Can I see?” Mari asked. Nic lifted her drawing pad, there were two birds, one next to the other on a thin branch, one was finished made in charcoal, and the other was just starting to be shaded

“They were not like that –I commented- but they´re good” I said, she raised both eyebrows

“Ouch –Marissa winced and laughed- you just stabbed her ego!”

“Oh, I…” I started

“Don’t listen to her” Nichole rolled her eyes, going back to her drawing, I looked at Marissa

“At school she usually gets a ‘ah, you´re talented’ or ‘you´re a natural’ or stuff like that…. Nini was really mad when one of the professors said one of her works was just ‘a good one’” Marissa related, Nichole scoffed

“He didn’t say it was good –she said not looking at us but at the scenery- he said it didn’t have feeling which is an entirely different thing”

“Nini asked for her grade to be revised, made other professors to look at it, she really didn’t want that failing grade” Marissa chuckled

“I thought you didn’t care about grades or taking courses twice” I said. She´d always said she didn’t care but I knew it was not true, she always did the work and did it well

“I don’t care about that but his argument was one I couldn’t respect. He couldn’t grade the feeling of it. You just can’t grade feeling –she made air quotation marks- it was too subjective”

“I thought all art was subjective” I replied

“It is” Mari chuckled

“Yeah –Nichole agreed- but technique is graded, quality and originality as well. That was the criteria to be evaluated at the time, so he didn’t even have that argument there” she lifted her chin a little

“Professor Fleming told her –Mari said- that her technique and finesse were great but that it had no feeling to it, it didn’t produce anything”

“What did you do?” I asked curious and amused

“She made a book; it was a small black leather bound book with three roses, two of them dead and, I think, a melted candle –Mari replied- sorry, Nini, but it wasn’t that good, I never got it. Why did you do that for such assignment?” Mari asked

“What was the assignment?” I inquired

“Something like showing your worst memory in a simple way” Mari explained shaking her head “I guess it was simple, what you did but…I don’t know” she told Nic with a small shrug

“Oh…” I said knowing what that book must have been “Did you get the failing grade?”

“Yes and after that Fleming did his best to get me the lowest possible grades –Nic said and grinned- and I did my best to make him give me the best grades”

“She loves contradicting people” Mari laughed

“It made me improve. It´s been one of my best courses” Nic smirked

“What did you do?” I asked Marissa

“Leaving home –she said and wrinkled her nose a little- but bad memories no more, we should talk about our best one. What´s your happiest memory, tesoro?” she asked, her smile lingered. Both girls looked my way.

"Mhh...-I hummed- my best memory is from the afternoon that my dad gave me my first guitar- I told the girls remembering being surprised that he was home early  -I was about six, maybe seven, I was having troubles in school and didn't want to go anymore" I explained distantly remembering my childhood heart aches. After my accident I hadn't been the same but I hadn't noticed until that week but it´s not like I have that many recollections of the first few years after my accident, only glimpses come to me from time to time, it's the feeling of what I lived and the nightmares that are the most vivid.

"My grandpa who always got me to do the unpleasant things -I shook my head clearing it from the double pain that thinking of Alexander caused me with the two opposite faces he had- like taking medicines, going to the doctor, eating my lunch, things like that –I explained- at that time, he just couldn't make speak of what was wrong so one day my dad came home and...” I smiled down to the floor remembering that afternoon.

“Hi son” My dad had said smiling to me

“You´re early, daddy” I had been surprised it wasn´t a usual occurrence that he came home before seven. I hadn’t known that mom had asked him to talk to me.

“I had a good day so I decided I could come talk to you – he sat next to me and slung an arm on my shoulder- we closed a great deal, money straight to your college fund –he chuckled- I had some problems while doing it, obstacles but I knew I could work it out. Do you know why I knew?” I had been excited that he was speaking to me about his day and that he had asked for my opinion

 “Because you’re good at what you do” I had repeated what my mom had always said and that had earned me a chuckle and squeeze

“That´s true but remember when mom wanted to redecorate the kitchen? –Six or seven year old me nodded- remember what happened when I moved the furniture?” he´d asked and I had laughed

“You broke the water pipe and mom was angry. She had to pick me up”

“Yeah –he had grimaced- and I couldn’t make it stop and ended up leaving us without water until the guy came. He was good at his job, don’t you think?”

“Yes, mom was happy”

“Yes, she was. Remember later that day the other guys came to help her make things pretty?”

“Yeah but Aaron and I helped, we picked the colors with mom” It had been important for me at the time that he remembered that we had helped

“Yes, of course you did –I almost laughed remembering how he laughed quietly and rustled my hair before speaking again- but I didn’t and that is because I´m not good at that. You see, son, I am very good at what I do but I´m very bad at other things, just like mom is very good at being a doctor but is very bad at closing deals, you too, are going to be good at some things and bad at others” he´d said as he touched my shoulder with his hand

“But I´m bad at everything –I replied- I´m the dumb twin –I cried bitter and angry tears.- Aaron is much better, he´s smarter and…” I had been in a different class, with much less requirements, less classes. I hadn’t noticed until it had been pointed out to me by the kids in Aaron´s class. Some kids can be mean to others; I had ended up believing they had been right about me.

“No, Joshua, that is not true –my dad had stopped me. I had seen how knowing what was wrong had hurt him too- You´re twins but you´re different and that is alright. We love you for who you are and we love your brother for who he is. Now, Josh, sometimes things are harder for some people, life puts more obstacles in their life, accidents happen –he had stopped to clear his throat- but that just means you are and you´ll be stronger –he hugged me tightly- you’re a fighter” He´d told me and I had just stared down at my lap not feeling strong at all

"He told me I just had to try my hardest because no one's good when they are just starting something new” I told the girls a short version of his speech but I remembered every single word dad had told me that afternoon

“It takes time to get good at things. When I was your age –he´d continued- I wasn’t good at closing deals, I lost money before I got good at it and mom puked at the sight of blood, she could´ve said she going to be a bad doctor, don’t you think? But she and I tried our best at everything until we figured out what we were good at and didn’t let what we weren’t good at make us sad. You just have to try your very best, just like you do everyday”

“Then he asked me to wait and went to get something, an old black acoustic guitar. He played a very complicated song and told me that when he was my age he couldn’t do it. I had just stared –I chuckled looking at the two girl looking attentively back at me- He touched a string -I took my guitar and touched the string he had touched- and asked me if that sounded like music, I said it didn't, then he played something like this -I played a small progression, just a few chords- and asked me if that sounded like music"

"Awww" Mari cooed, Nic's eyes were intense as if she was memorizing my every move. I smiled at Mari before continuing with my story

"I told him it did, and he explained that he wasn't good at it before but life was like playing the guitar, you keep practicing and trying until you get it right, until you get what you want” –I remembered he´d said to notice how one string along with the others made music, that life was the same, at first it might not be music but with time and practice it sounded like music, a melody you were good at. Dad told me I had been good at reminding him that he liked playing the guitar, which he hadn't played since I had been born.

“To never forget there´s always a new song to learn, but, that you have to remember that if you can't play the guitar there's always other instruments to make music" I related to the girls my dad speech and chuckled, I had been distracted by his skill and the shiny black guitar that I hadn't understood the full meaning of his word but they had always stayed in my mind.

"You make beautiful music, tesoro, with everything you touch" Mari touched my arm and smiled her easy smile

"Thank you -I smiled back- I got my first guitar that day and I decided I was going to be good at that –I shook my head- My dad and I practiced every weekend and every night he could come home early, in a while I was able to play the complicated song that wasn’t really complicated at all” I said

"Do you still have it?" Nichole asked in her quiet voice, it surprised me that she showed interest more than with only her eyes on me

"Yeah, it's in the basement in my parent's house" I replied

"Did you go back to school" Marissa asked me “Did it get better?”

"I went back for a while. But I didn't finish that year, I mean, I did finish it just differently, I was home schooled for a few years after that" I explained when Mari widened her eyes and Nichole stiffened "different instruments -I shrugged- but that's where I got my love for music and my liking of this one” I started to play the chords accompanied by some whistling like in the song

                “….take it slow

It'll work itself out fine

All we need is just a little patience

Said, sugar, make it slow

And we´ll come together fine

All we need is just a little patience…” To my surprise they both joined me on that portion of the song and whenever they knew the lyrics.

"Great as always!" Mari clapped her hands once I stopped singing

"It was a nice story -Nichole said with a small smile, not the one I knew was her real one but it didn't seem a rehearsed one either but I couldn’t tell because it quickly became a smirk- stubborn, I mean, persistent you was born there"

"Nini!" Mari pushed Nic away

"It's a compliment, carina" there was humor in her voice, I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"You remind me of Aaron -I told her- he can't stay mature for too long and you can't stay nice" I narrowed my eyes for effect but I knew she was afraid of letting even a glimpse of nice feelings coming from her, I felt like I had known her enough to be sure or maybe it was just the memory of our friendship in the past that didn’t let me stay mad at her

"I'm a monster" she winked in both Mari and my direction

"Uuh! -Mari laughed- I don’t think so, I think you found your match, Nini."

"No one bits me at that"

"It's been two times already" Mari said in a sing song voice, I chuckled, when had Nic been teased before?

"Josh's too nice to put in my place" she laughed quietly as she look at the scenery in front of us

"My instruments are others. My strategy instead is deeper and simpler" I winked after quoting a verse of a poem that had come to mind out of the blue, one that she´d shown me. I didn't have many memories of the time after my accident but I did have many of my teenager years. I had first heard that poem on a day after one of our Art club meetings in which as usual she and I had stayed behind. Maybe because I had let my mind take me back to my memories, it automatically too me back to this one too and I felt in the spacious room filled with easels and musical instruments

 "Are you going to stay here?" I had asked, she hadn't made an attempt to go but had kept working on her canvas

"Yeah" it was when she replied my questions, the easy ones at least

"Ok –my memory showed me I had motioned to go and had turned back- did you do the homework about the poem already?" we’d been studying poetry, metric and famous poets; it was our assignment to emulate them.

"Nope" her eyes had stayed on the canvas in front of her. I made a face

"I hate this assignment" I had groaned

"Don't do it then"

"Right, 'cause that's an option"

"It is"

"But you'll do it, won't you?" I had been sure she’d do it, as she always did.

"That doesn't matter, I don't hate the assignment but I won't do it if I don’t feel like it" she had shrugged a little

"I don't believe that, you never fail to do your homework"

"I feel like doing it" she'd taken a diff paintbrush

"That's the same thing" I had rolled my eyes, given up on standing and sat on the stool I had been using. I had been procrastinating.

"Nope, it’s a different tactic and strategy. My tactic is to be honest… My strategy instead is deeper and simpler…”

"Eh? You lost me there…" I had furrowed my eyebrows. She fought a smile

"That's a poem that just popped into my head; it's on the news board in the classroom"

"And you've memorized it?" I had chuckled, only Nichole Cristales would´ve done such thing "what else does it say?" I had thought she wouldn't tell me but after dipping her brush on pain and not making a stroke on the canvas, she had turned on her stool to face me and spoke the lines of the poem in her soft calm voice as she balanced the paintbrush between her gloved fingers, a drop of paint threatened to fall to the floor but she moved her wrist so that it wouldn't fall but that made the turquoise paint get too close to her burgundy gloves that matched our uniform.

“My tactic is to stay in your memory,

I don't know how

Nor with what pretext

But stay within you…” as she had recited she´d played with the drop of paint and I had seen rhythm in the movement and had heard music in the golden light entering the room through the windows. I had felt a beat in the poem like it had a heart.

“My tactic is to be honest

And know you are too

And that we don't sell each other illusions

So that between us there is no curtain or abyss

My strategy instead is

Deeper and simpler.

My strategy is that some day

I don't know how,

nor with what pretext

That finally you need me”  I had picked my guitar and played an improvised melody for the words she had spoken, had made a sign so that she said it again as I perfected the sounds, and when it ended and I wrapped up the melody, the drop of paint had fallen to the floor

"You write poetry all the time, play it..." the Nichole in my memory had nodded towards my guitar

"It's not the same, I don't go for numbers, measures, metric, whatever and… I don’t t always work with rhymes, my rhymes are not...they don't follow numbers, they're not… stiff" I furrowed my eyebrows

"You just made poetry; followed the metric. Different strategy" she had winked and turned back to her canvas. I hadn’t had an instant epiphany with an amazing and perfect poem but the next class I had sung my poem. My teacher had loved my creativity and strategy. By the end of that day I had printed and pasted the poem on the inside of my binder. It had reminded of the time dad had taught me the song Patience.

A memory can be relived in the blink of an eye, such was the case with this memory, no time had passed yet I had gone back to the past but in reality I had just quoted the verse of the poem and Nic had just looked away after looking into my eyes for a second too long. Mari was laughing oblivious that such line had taken me back in time.

"Ah, ragazza, he’s got you" Mari giggled and hugged me with one arm

"Funny" Nic said in her usual monotone

"I agree –Marissa teased as I laughed quietly- , this will be my new best memory" she poked her tongue out at Nic

"And the old one is...?" Nic prompted

 “Mmmm… well…after Josh´s beautiful, inspirational story, mine sounds kinda selfish…” Marissa wrinkled her nose

“It´s subjective, if it makes you happy, it´s happy” I winked; Marissa narrowed her eyes a little and a smile tugged at Nichole´s mouth

“Nini, you go first –Mari said- and don’t say no!” she pointed a finger to Nic who rolled her eyes but gave up with a dramatic sigh, dramatic for her.

“It´s not inspirational either –Nichole started- but one of the better times I´ve had was when Mike, my arts teacher, took one of my paintings to the teacher’s meeting. They chose among other art works made by students to be placed in one of the library halls. I was –she closed her eyes- happy when mine was chosen” her half smile showed in her face

“Which one?” I asked. I knew that by the time she left Burgeoys there were a few of her paintings in not only one of the school libraries

“Your teachers hung your work on the library? That’s so cute!” Marissa smiled

“More than cute, carina, it was a big honor to have one of your works next to a Monet or Kandinsky. It´s something that hasn’t happened again”

“Was this school a museum too?” Marissa raised both eyebrows and looked at both of us

“They had famous art works in the libraries and the art building” Nichole explained

“And the office buildings” I added. Mari shook her head

“An eye of my face wouldn’t have been enough to pay a month of education at your rich kids school, I bet –Mari said- but Nini, it´s so cool that you were good even back then” she smiled at the other girl

“It was Ash´s portrait on the road, the one that got chosen” Nichole chose to answer my question. I nodded my acknowledgement; Nichole and Aaron had ‘met’ under that portrait, under that one he´d broken his nose after tripping on her leg

“Ash? Who´s Ash?” Marissa looked between me and Nic

“Ashley, a friend –Nic said- now, talk” she smirked. I chuckled, I knew it was not a lie but I was sure she´d said the guy´s name to avoid saying who he was

“I guess this will be fine… it´s similar to yours –Mari nodded to Nic- my happiest one is from when I was 17, I had just left home and had no idea what to do with my life, I had nowhere to go, no one to go to –she shrugged- On a park, where me met –she looked at Nic- I made my first cartoon and I got my first client, after about a week of being there –she chuckled- I had been homeless for a week. Guess who was my first client? It was Anton –she didn’t wait for us to give an answer- he bought my first cartoon, took me to his house, scolded me for leaving home but didn’t send me back. He bought me pencils, paint, paper and an easel and above all he hung my cartoon of him in his living room. My brother supported me, he believed in me or at least he tried –she giggled- that´s the happy part, by the way” she finished smiling to the floor

“It´s a good story” I stroked her back

“The beginning of a dream” Nichole winked

“Yeah, look where you´re now” I hugged her and she beamed

“Look where we all are” Marissa chuckled and kissed my cheek


****
links:
Tactics and Strategy by Mario Benedetti  
Guns N' Roses Patience