Envy

I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was telling me about how her life's been going. She's doing pretty good. She just came back from a business trip. I had seen her pictures in one of so many social media sites. She's starting ESL classes this week, she's getting ready for a promotion at her job, she's gotten a boyfriend who apparently is a complete gentleman and also comes from a good family, she's planning a date with him this weekend to celebrate his graduation from university... She sounds so happy and I'm so happy for her and proud of her. She's a great friend and an amazing, smart person...

But...

It makes me a little sad, it's like she pointed out with her happiness and success that my life is still and that I have nothing going on anymore. I can totally do without the guy and it's not that I want what she has or that I wanna do what she's doing but I want to be doing my own things, to be moving forward.

I think if we had yearbooks n stuff like that, everybody would've said I was the most likely to success; even I believed it and I felt successful, getting a good job even before graduating... On the verge to move to my very own place, not having time for those French and Japanese lessons that I've always wanted, helping my family...feeling like I was making a positive influence in kids' lives... It was so good that it pretty much over shadowed my darkness, my sadness, my pain. I didn't mind it.

And...

I lost it, lost all that in the space of a step and the next. All I have now is darkness, sadness and pain. And I don't want to see or be seen by anybody and I don't dream and I don't wish and I don't plan for the future anymore and all I want is the end. My life is winter, all rain and dark sky.

Still...

I'm glad that my friend is doing well and I wish her the best, she's worked so hard for it. Even though it points out, in my mind, that I'm dead even if I live, it feels a little like it's my success, my happiness. Who wouldn't feel grateful when the ones they love are happy?