this sucks

You gotta learn to manage crisis, father said, in order to survive and cope in life -he continued his ´cheer-up´ speech and he finished with something I didn´t really listened, my tears had by now started to stain my face.

"Well, I wanted to say if a knot hadn´t been chocking my throught, that´s the point, I don´t want to survive, I don´t want to cope, I don´t even want this life or any life at all"
I couldn´t say that. I knew I was not only going to hurt him but also my mother, they´re already hurt by what´s going on with me and I guess it´s enough burden to just see me like this, sick and sicker and nobody seems to give a real answer to what´s wrong with me. Throughout my life I´ve been called a miracle child, over and over I was in danger of not being born at all, in the last time, when I was about to be born, father had to make a choice, mother or me. They´ve told me he prayed and prayed and made pacts with God so that we both lived. We did. I don´t want to be disgrateful but I trully wish, for a long long time now, perhaps over half of my life, that God hadn´t heard him at all.

On Thursday of last week my boss e-mailed me to tell me that I cannot miss any more days from work and that if I was going to keep missing days -I, of course, have medical reasons- then that I should send someone to replace me.

Today, no matter what, I thought, I´m not staying home any more days... this afternoon I went to the doctor again for another check-up... I might have not only one but two different conditions... The doctor prescribed more days at home -I´ll have to go back to the hospital tomorrow first thing in the morning for more tests, more shots, more needles draining my blood. I can´t lose my fucking job, I´ve already given up my second job, if I lose this one I won´t even be able to keep going to the doctor, I like my job I can´t lose it.

I need to get better at once, like over-night or really I need to die inmediately. Whatever, I this point I don´t really care what will happen after I die, or the ´bucket´list that´s been in my head for sometime now or all the things that I wanted to do or being bad for not thanking for my life, or the fact that mother says that she´d die if anything happens to me, or that she says that father might die or kill himself if anything happens to me or that my beloved brother might miss me forever or all the things that I could do, or that I´ve never been told that I´ve inspired loved -like real love by someone that doesnt have to feel that for me- I don´t care about any of that. I just want all of this to end, the pain, the goings to the doctor, the not knowing what´s wrong with me, the fact that everybody keeps asking why am I sick being so freaking young or seemingly healthy, the looks that people give me... the worrying about losing my job, the worries about money, all the thinking, all the lack of sleep, the sadness for being sick so long -what feels like forever- I just want all this to end.

My life trully sucks.